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Weakly Humerus News 04-24-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-24-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK A Lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood. (Anon.) Would the
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 24, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-24-10


      A Lion would never cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood. (Anon.)

      Would the problems associated with Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull volcano be considered eruptile dysfunction? (RJ Currie)

      One third of all US teens text 100 times a day or more. Kids are having so much fun the Catholic church is pushing for a ban on premarital text. (Bill Williams)

      It’s the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your 40s, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus. (Craig Ferguson)

      Hitting all the wrong notes, that old Goldman sax. (Paul Feehan)

      If Ben Roethlisberger had blocking from his O-line when he made passes like he does from his bodyguards when he's in women's washrooms, he might have won last year's Super Bowl. (RJ Currie)

      The Yankees, Red Sox and Cubs boast the biggest payrolls in baseball. Spending obviously works. All three of these teams have won championships in the last 102 years." (Reggie Hayes)

      Q: What did Larry King, Elizabeth Taylor and the Houston Astros have in common coming into Thursday night? A: They were all 0-8. (Bill Littlejohn)

      The Treasury Department has remade the $100 bill. Why didn’t printers put Joe Biden on the front? They were afraid no one would accept it at face value. (Alan Ray)

      Toyota is recalling 600,000 minivans because the spare tire holder can break and the spare tire can go flying down the highway. It's bad enough Toyota cars can run you off the road — now the parts are chasing you down the street. (Jay Leno)

      Gun rights advocates want open carry laws. Where would a pistol toting 2nd Amendment fanatic sit at a ball game? Wherever he damn well pleases. (Alan Ray)

      A senior Iranian cleric says women who dress scantily and who have adulterous sex are the cause of earthquakes. If thats true, there is something blissfully ironic about earthquakes opening a giant crack. (Jerry Perisho)


      What exactly is Goldman Sachs accused of doing?
      a) Creating new financial instruments to hide bad mortgages.
      b) Deceiving clients by bundling them as valuable securities.
      c) Betting against its own securities.
      d) Dumping the whole toxic mess on investors.
      Hint: You can't flunk this quiz. (IronicTimes.com)

      Goldman Sachs is being charged with subprime fraud in the mortgage meltdown. Goldman Sachs is indignant saying their fraud was not subprime. Any fraud they perform is of the highest quality." (Jim Barach)

      "Goldman Sachs has been charged with double dealing in subprime mortgage mess. For most investors, it's not clear if this is a criminal charge for Goldman or a free commercial." (Jake Novak)

      Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs? (Jay Leno)

      I suppose if Goldman Sachs is found guilty, they might even be forced to pay back a small percentage of their bailout money. (Paul Benoit)

      "Well, just four days after Goldman Sachs cost investors $12 billion by failing to tell them that they're being investigated for fraud, they gave out another $5.4 billion in bonuses. Huh? Even Somali pirates are going, 'Come on!'" (Jay Leno)

      "Did you see the movie preview they started showing on Friday? The highly anticipated horror movie is back! 'Nightmare on Wall Street!'" (Pedro Bartes)


      Thursday was Earth day. To cut down on excessive gas emissions, TSN sat out Pierre McGuire. (RJ Currie)

      As you probably know, the volcano on the tiny island of Iceland has shut down air traffic. President Obama had to cancel his trip to Poland. President Obama said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon, and the volcano said the same thing about him. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The volcano is erupting underneath a glacier, meaning everything kicks up through a hole in the ice. Some scientists are calling it an “ice-hole,” but other scientists are saying the problem is pre-existing ash, therefore it’s more of an “ash-hole.” (Craig Ferguson)

      A gigantic ash cloud from an Icelandic volcano that blanketed Northern Europe on Thursday and paralyzed air travel across the continent has turned out to be part of the finale of the television series "Lost," network officials confirmed today. (Andy Borowitz)

      A huge cloud of volcanic ash from beneath an Icelandic glacier is sweeping across the skies of Europe, causing the cancellation of all transatlantic flights indefinitely. Scientists have estimated the amount of harmful particulates in the air to be about the same as that unleashed by 25 million San Fernando Valley gardeners with leaf blowers. (Bob Mills)

      The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it’s making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house. (David Letterman)

      According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off. (Jay Leno)

      Rush Limbaugh said on his show that the volcano eruption in Iceland happened because God was mad at Obama for passing the Health Care reform. Rush, what an ash! (Pedro Bartes)

      The Icelandic volcanic air chaos seems to be abating for now. But worries about future eruptions may have a long-term effect on government travel as the U. S doesn't want high-level officials stranded. Hillary Clinton, for example, may be spending a lot more time at home. And Bill Clinton just asked that Iceland be added to the "axis of evil." (Janice Hough)

      Volcanic ash has shut down many airports in Europe. What a nightmare. It was so smoky in Paris, the French could barely be rude to the person in front of them. (Alan Ray)

      The airports in Europe are closed due to the volcano erupting. Smoke and ash is spreading all over Europe. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson’s tour bus. (Craig Ferguson)

      The German airline Lufthansa said it plans to resume some flights. Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now that the French government surrendered. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The giant cloud of ash over Amsterdam is so bad that you can’t even see the giant cloud of hashish. (David Letterman)

      The World Health Organization advised Europeans to stay indoors as volcanic ash spread over Europe from Iceland. The ash also diffuses the light and causes deep orange sunsets, making everyone look ten years younger. Hollywood residents were last seen on top of Mount Wilson with toilet plungers trying to get lava to come out of the peak. (Argus Hamilton)

      Have you heard about the new Icelandic volcano cocktail? Just one, and you may not be able to get home. (Janice Hough)

      Airports from London to Warsaw are on their sixth day of shutdown. The airports are closed because a volcano is erupting. Smoke and ash are spreading over Europe. The smoke cloud is big and thick. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson's tour bus. (Craig Ferguson)

      The 95,000 scheduled flights canceled over the past week have cost the airline industry an estimated $2 billion and stranded passengers at air terminals all over Europe. Now the question being asked by travel lawyers worldwide is, “Who should pay?” So far, the legal consensus seems to be -- Toyota. (Bob Mills)

      The next topic is a thing. Can I buy a vowel? I'd like to buy another vowel. I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat: "Eyjafjallajokull" (Israel Carrasco)

      To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Priuses. (Jay Leno)

      The two-day International Cannabis and Hemp Expo was held near San Francisco last weekend. And you thought the volcanic cloud drifting over Europe was huge! ( Jerry Perisho)

      Today is April 20, which is like Christmas for pot smokers. It all started in the 1700s, when St. Patrick drove the stoners out of Ireland with a pack of Twinkies. In celebration of 4/20, the volcano in Iceland is still smoking. And it just asked for Hot Pockets. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Larry King's son's former Little League coach was having an affair with Larry's wife. You can tell your wife is having an affair with your Little League coach, when she refuses your advances for sex by yelling Strike three, you're out. (Jim Barach)

      Larry King getting another divorce. Had an affair with his sister-in-law, but in his defense — there is always another side to the story — in his defense, at his age, you know, it's hard to remember which sister he's married to. (David Letterman)

      Larry King's wife filed for divorce after catching him sending sexy messages on his telegraph key. (Andy Borowitz)

      Beverly Hills Little League coach Hector Penate admitted his affair with Larry King's wife Shawn. He says Larry didn't care because Larry loved his wife's sister Shannon. Little Leaguers in Beverly Hills go to the games to watch their parents play. (Argus Hamilton)

      Talk show host Larry King has filed for divorce from his 50-year-old singer wife, Shawn Southwick. Both are citing irreconcilable differences. This is King's eighth divorce but only his seventh wife. He once remarried one of his former wives, then divorced her again. He forgot he'd already been married to her. That was so long ago, there were only three women on Earth, and he'd already married all of them once. They're just from two different eras. She's from the disco era, he's from the Mesozoic Era. (The Comedy Wire)

      Both Larry King, 76, and his wife Shawn, 50, have filed suit to end their 13-year marriage. He's alleging “irreconcilable differences” and she, “irreconcilable ages.” She seeks sole custody of their kids, while he wants permanent custody of the suspenders. (Bob Mills)


      A new poll found that a substantial number of Americans still aren’t convinced that President Obama was born in the United States. Only 58 percent believe that Obama was born here, and 20 percent think he was born in another country. I don’t believe Obama was born at all. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Michele Obama says the First Couple's daughters are given limited time to be online. They also have a filter to make sure they can't read any quotes from Joe Biden. (Jim Barach)


      Vice President Joe Biden gave only 1.44 percent of his income to charity last year. He plans to give a lot more this year when he donates the entire contents of his "swear jar." (Jim Barach)

      Vice President Biden appeared on “The View.” They were trying to set the Guinness Record for most Botox on one couch. And they did, so congratulations. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. If thats what they were in to, they should have just watched what Goldman Sachs was doing to American taxpayers. (Jim Barach)


      On Thursday, a federal judge struck down a statute that allowed for national day of prayer. It was a victory for secular thinkers and atheists who aren't sure who to thank. (Israel Carrasco)

      The National Day of Prayer was ruled unconstitutional by a U. S. Court of Appeals Thursday. It won't stand. The case will be appealed to the U. S. Supreme Court, where six Catholics, two Jews, and a ninety-year-old man are said to be tilting towards God. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. They didn't just kill it; they plucked its little wings off one at a time and then set it in the sun under a magnifying glass. (Jerry Perisho)


      Arizona senators passed a bill Monday that would require law enforcement officers to question anyone they believe might be in the country illegally. And today president Obama cancelled his trip to Arizona. (Pedro Bartes)

      A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won't cheat on his wife. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know the world has gone topsy-turvy when the most sane and peaceful group in Los Angeles is the LAPD. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Hotel Normandie in Los Angeles is trying to become the countrys first marijuana friendly resort. The hotel plans to load up each rooms mini-bar with Doritos and Oreos and make a real killing. (Jim Barach)

      L. A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. Many of the cuts will come in road repair and tree trimming. Which is fine because nobody has a job to drive to and they like the afternoon shade where they now live in the park. (Jim Barach)

      San Francisco is considering a new law that would fine truant high school students $100 every time they get caught, because if there's one group of people who really have the big bucks, it's those kids who are cutting school. (Jake Novak)

      In New York, 30,000 doorman are threatening to go on strike. Most of the best apartment buildings in New York have doormen. In the rest of the country, to open a door, we use these things we call: our hands. (Jim Barach)

      New York City faces its first doorman strike in two decades. Apparently all those Wall Street executives can't open their doors by themselves while carrying home all that bonus money. (Jim Barach)

      A Boulder CO landlord has lost his fight to stop a female tenant from gardening topless in a yellow thong and pink gloves. On the bright side, he did win Gayest Landlord of the Year. (Jim Barach)


      I am not a member of any organized party, I'm a Democrat. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama invited Republicans to the White House to discuss the financial regulatory reform bill which would rein in Wall Street. They're sure to block it. The health care reform bill was just to ensure medical coverage for the sick and the poor, wait until the Republicans fight for an issue they care about. (Argus Hamilton)

      At a California Democratic fund-raiser, President Obama got into it with protesters in the crowd. The exchange was so intense that even the hecklers had teleprompters. (Bill Mihalic)


      Sarah Palin made $12 million last year. In fact, Sarah Palin had such a good year, she was actually able to quit her part-time job as governor of Alaska. (Jay Leno)

      Kelsey Grammer, arch conservative, is promoting a new TV channel called the RightNetwork. It's so conservative, they're even calling themselves liars. (Bill Williams)

      In an interview with GQ Magazine, Lou Dobbs said he's considering running for president. The good news: he hasn't said yet, "The president of what." (Tim Hunter)


      The two top earners on April 15: the I.R.S. and Sarah Palin. (Bill Williams)

      The good news is that the latest economic reports show that retail saes are higher than this time last year. The bad news is most consumers are just buying guns. (Jake Novak)

      221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy? (David Letterman)


      The Colonel’s new “Double Down” sandwich contains 1/3 pound of beef and melted American cheese nestled between two deep-fried chicken filets. For 99 cents more, you can get the “Double Down DF” which includes a portable heart defibrillator with two all-beef paddles. (Bob Mills)

      I just saw a commercial for that new KFC "Double Down" sandwich. Do you really want the name of your food to sound risky? Isn't "Double Down" a gambling term? I mean, if they're going for truth in advertising, why not just call it "the Double Bypass"? (Tim Hunter)

      7-Eleven stores nationwide are debuting their own house brand of “Game Day” beer that the company claims “offers exceptional quality at a value price.” As an added bonus, the bullet-proof cans come in handy during holdups. (Bob Mills)

      General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.

      Toyota is recalling Lexus SUV’s for rollover issues. The service department at the dealership will accommodate affected customers. Drivers will be given a loaner car that’s equally pretentious. (Alan Ray)


      A sheriffs office in Lake Tahoe thought a 61-year-old meth addict had a bomb in his anus. It turned out to be a vibrator. When asked why he had a vibrator up his rectum, the suspect replied: I am a 61-year-old meth addict, why wouldnt I have a vibrator in my rectum? So they dropped the charges of carrying a really concealed weapon. (Jim Barach)


      Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch. (Jay Leno)


      A group of retired military officers says the greatest threat to our national security isn't a terrorist organization, but the school lunch lady; they call for immediate intervention to take away her meatloafs of mass destruction. (FARK

      Radical group posts video venerating 17th-century terrorist to incite hatred towards the present-day government. I'm sorry, did I say, "radical group?" I meant "The Republican Governors Association" (FARK)

      NASA & SPACE

      President Obama went to NASA headquarters, where he said he wants to send someone to Mars. They're still deciding who to send. It was an awkward moment when Bill Clinton went, "We could send Hillary. (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama traveled to the Kennedy Space Center to give a pep talk to NASA. Mr. Obama promised to commit our nation, in his lifetime, to a goal of flying Americans to Europe and returning them safely to the Earth. (Frank King)


      Air travel throughout Europe is getting closer to normal. 46% of all usual traffic has resumed, airports in the U. K. are now open, and the airlines have already started to lose everyone's luggage again. (Jake Novak)

      The deposed leader of Kyrgyzstan has reportedly flown to the neighboring country of Kazakhstan. Gee, it sounds like he's just bouncing from one typo to another. (Bill Mihalic)


      The Daily Mail reports that 10 million people swam into the Ganges last week as part of the worlds biggest pilgrimage. This is in no way related to Maple Leafs fans who gather every year to wade in denial. (RJ Currie)


      An Australian publisher released cookbooks with a recipe for pasta with a misprint that advised to use "salt and freshly ground black people instead of pepper. If youre curious, you can still try the dish at the GOP convention. (Pedro Bartes)


      A federal panel says the FDA should regulate salt that is used in processed foods. How about going after salt once someone regulates mortgages, banks and Wall Street executives? (Jim Barach)


      The NHL AND NBA playoffs are upon us. Normally I try 110 per cent to avoid sports cliches, but at the end of the day it is what it is. I admit you can't take it to the next level if you don't step up. (RJ Currie)

      According to a recent survey, Democrats tend to be fans of the NBA, tennis and WWE Wrestling, while Republicans are more into professional golf, college football and NASCAR. I have no idea what any of this means, but it appears, at least in Washington, both parties are equally into mud wrestling. (Len Berman)

      A lot of Bostonians are surprised the Celtics, without Kevin Garnett in the lineup, dominated Miami 106-77. Maybe Celtics fans have been taking too much for Garnett. (RJ Currie)

      The N.F.L. commissioner, Roger Goodell, says the Pittsburgh Steelers' quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, violated the league's personal-conduct policy. The entire episode is shocking, especially the part about the N.F.L. having a personal-conduct policy. (Jerry Perisho)

      It could've been even worse than that for the ex-Washington State QB taken second by the San Diego Chargers in 1998, right after the Colts snagged Peyton Manning. "I dodged a bullet. A strong case can be made that Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback since Johnny Unitas. It's bad enough as it is, but just imagine if I had been picked ahead of Peyton." (Brian Leaf)

      While 20,000 football fans looked on, a 10-year old boy who’d won an essay contest, had the honor of throwing the switch that leveled the once-heralded domed-home of the Dallas Cowboys, Texas Stadium. Broadcast on CNN, Iraqis crowded around their sets, anxious to watch Americans blow up something of their own. (Bob Mills)

      In the Sharks- Avalanche NHL playoff game tonight, Dan Boyle scored the first goal. Into the correct net. Wonder if he's the first NHL player ever to score back-to-back playoff goals for two different teams? (Janice Hough)

      The San Jose Sharks have now scored three dramatic game-winning goals in the first three games against the Colorado Avalanche. Unfortunately, two of them were past their own goalie. (Janice Hough)

      The Big Ten, trying to become dominant in the BCS, is considering expanding by adding an unspecified number of teams. No word as to which midwestern teams the conference is considering, but presumably a logical fit would be the Detroit Lions. (Janice Hough)

      The Oakland As hit into a triple play today. At least this offensive misfortune isn't likely to happen to the SF Giants. You need two runners on base to hit into a triple play. (Janice Hough)

      The Tigers are averaging a MLB-worst of nine runners left on base per game. In fact, so many have been stranded, they've just flown in a vending machine from Heathrow Airport. (Bill Littlejohn)

      The Chicago Cubs are three games out of first and playing below .500, but don't worry, Cubs fans, it's too early to panic. Five, four, three, two, one, OK, you can panic now. (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)

      The Mets and Cardinals played a 20 inning game on Saturday afternoon, and evening. How long was the game? When it started, Joe Biden was just beginning a speech. And when it ended, he was almost done. (Janice Hough)


      Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been suspended by the NFL for six games for violating the league conduct policy. After being accused of sexual assault by two women, Roethlisberger says he is just glad he didn't shoot a dog. (Janice Hough)

      The NFL has suspended twice-sexual-assault-accused Pittsburgh Steeler, Ben Roethlisberger, for six games. Or as Ben calls six games: 42 lap dances and 32 massages with happy endings. (Jim Barach)

      Tiger and Elin Woods are reportedly going to get divorced. Tiger was recently at a Nickelback concert in Orlando. A nickel back is about what Tiger can expect to get when Elins lawyers are through with him. (Jim Barach)

      Shaquille O'Neal's wife says he intimidated and scared their children. Really, what kind of father makes his children watch "Kazaam"? (Brian Lisi)

      Shaquille ONeals estranged wife, Shaunie ONeal, claims Shaq used to scare and intimidate their kids. Here is a parenting tip: if you dont want your kids to be frightened of their dad, make sure he isnt over seven feet tall, 300 pounds with a size 24 foot. (Jim Barach)

      My favorite NHL name is Jarkko Ruutu of the Senators. Ruutu. I don't know if there's an English word with three U's in it, but I bet it's unusual. (RJ Currie)

      The Seven Mile Bridge Run in the Florida Keys was captured for the fifth time by dentist Jason Bodnar. Call it a case of flawless bridge work. (Matt Tiffany)

      Paralympic gold medal curler Jim Armstrong has been charged by U.S. authorities with smuggling fake erectile dysfunction pills from Washington into British Columbia. Armstrong is said to face a number of charges, including attempting angled raises and several counts of failing to deliver the high hard one. (RJ Currie)


      Next week is "Idol Gives Back," where "American Idol" donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "payday." (Alex Schubert)

      Did you see the movie preview they started showing on Friday? The highly anticipated horror movie is back! "Nightmare on Wall Street!" (Pedro Bartes)


      Internet security company McAfee has released a list of the fifteen riskiest celebrities to search online because they lead to viruses and other computer problems. Three celeb problems in particular you should watch for:
      3. Jessica Simpson - computers report bad dates;
      2. Tom Brady - screens roll left or right;
      1. Jessica Biel - resets firmware. (RJ Currie)

      Nicolas Cage lost his Bel-Air mansion to foreclosure Tuesday, a month after he lost two homes to foreclosure in New Orleans. The guy can't win. At the height of the real estate market he bought a vacation house at the base of a volcano in Iceland. (Argus Hamilton)

      Leonard Nimoy, who played Spock in the original "Star Treks", announced that he is retiring from show business. Seeking possession of his iconic pointy ears were the TV Hall of Fame, the Smithsonian Museums, and former heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield. (Jerry Perisho)

      An 84-year-old World War II vet in Mississippi claims that he's the father of Oprah Winfrey. Preliminary blood work appears to back up his story. He tested positive for pork roast, creamed corn and pecan pie. (Frank King)

      Las Vegas magician David Copperfield is no longer facing a sexual assault lawsuit after his female accuser dropped her claims Wednesday. He's free of all charges. An hour after his name was cleared, Ben Roethlisberger called and offered him a million dollars for the trick. (Argus Hamilton)


      Sandra Bullocks husband, Jesse James, is undergoing sex rehab. In sex rehab they determine if youre a sex addict. But Jesse doesnt consider himself a sex addict, he prefers to think he has a bad case of restless penis syndrome. (Jim Barach)

      Canadian Matt Stairs made history early this season with the San Diego Padres by becoming the first non-pitcher to make a play for 12 different teams. Stairs beat the old mark of 11 teams set in 1912 by Deacon McGuire and more recently by Alyssa Milano. (RJ Currie)

      Sharon Osbourne told the Today Show she is having her DD breast implants removed. Might be the biggest collapse this side of Texas Stadium. (RJ Currie)

      Two more women have claimed they were sexually harassed by former action star, Steven Seagal. The good news for Seagal? He will play the lead role in The Ben Roethlisberger Story. (Jim Barach)

      Kate Gosselin was booted of "Dancing with the Stars" this week. It was the first time a contestant was sent home to 8 waiting children Now she's going to have to learn those names all over again. (Tim Hunter)


      Teens at Jenks High School in Tulsa arrived at their senior prom in a rented limousine that was immediately repossessed by the bank for the owner’s failure to make payments. On a more positive note, the repo man’s girl friend driving the tow truck was chosen Prom Queen of “A Starlit Night to Remember.” (Bob Mills)


      A senior Iranian cleric says women who dress scantily and have adulterous sex are the cause of earthquakes. In that case, why is Maury Povich's studio still intact? (Alex Schubert)

      A prominent Roman Catholic bishop in Mexico blamed eroticism on television for priests abusing children. The Vatican decided to take action and canceled their subscription to Disney Network. (Pedro Bartes)

      In New York, a couple abandoned their three-year-old boy in St. Patricks Cathedral. Shame on them, that is a horribly dangerous thing to do leaving a young boy so near to so many priests. (Jim Barach)


      A study says that young adults do care about their online privacy. Thats why most will only send nude pictures of themselves to someone they have met on a social networking web site that a trusted friend has recommended. (Jim Barach)

      Three bisexual men have filed a lawsuit, saying they were discriminated against during the Gay Softball World Series in Seattle two years ago. After a team complained, they were stripped of their 2nd place finish. OK, your challenge: the punchline can't include the phrase "switch hitters" or "plays for both leagues". (Tim Hunter)


      According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That's the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish. (Jay Leno)

      A survey says the main form of communication between children ages twelve to seventeen is texting. Whats nice is that sometimes they even send messages that have words. (Jim Barach)

      A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. Really? What's next, a survey that says they prefer candy over broccoli? How about a puppy over a bee sting? (Jim Barach)

      A study says that motorcyclist deaths have dropped by 16% in the past year. Mostly because people with daredevil tendencies have all switched over to driving Toyotas. (Jim Barach)

      A recent Pew survey found that 80 percent of Americans don't trust Washington. The other 20 percent is Washington. (Israel Carrasco)


      A dog named Meatball has been named the Most Beautiful Bulldog in an Iowa contest. "Most Beautiful Bulldog" is one of those oxymorons like "Larry King Live." (Gary B.)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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