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Weakly Humerus News 04-03-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-03-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK One of Tiger Woods fellow tour members, Fred Couples is going to practice with
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-03-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      One of Tiger Woods' fellow tour members, Fred Couples is going to practice with him before the Masters. This is one of those headlines, however, that will read better than it will sound on the radio – 'Tiger plays a round with Couples." (Janice Hough)

      Republican donors aren't happy about this. It's not fair that rich Republicans spend huge amounts of money at sex clubs and poor Republicans have to go to airport bathrooms. (Craig Ferguson)

      Obama Signs Law Allowing Children To Be Denied Healthcare For The Crime Of Turning Twenty-seven (Fox Newscrawl)

      Gilbert Arenas got thirty days in a halfway house and two years probation for having four pistols in the Wizards locker room. The sentence surprised a lot of people who thought jail time for Arenas would be a four-gun conclusion. (RJ Currie)

      A New Mexico business owner was arrested for possessing plastic bins containing various human body parts. He will plead not guilty and, by every estimation, he has several legs to stand on. (Jerry Perisho)

      Victoria's Secret is teaming up with MLB and coming out with a line of baseball-themed lingerie. This adds a whole new level of anticipation to the top and bottom of an inning. (RJ Currie)

      I'm not saying Nets fans are getting a bit cocky now that the team is not the worst in N. B.A. history, but some of 'em were heard in the parking lot chanting, "Bring on the UConn women." (Marc Ragovin)

      First it was Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlesberger who faced an assault charge and now his favorite receiver, Santonio Holmes is being sued for battery. While they're not baseball players, does this still make them them assault and battery mates? (Bill Littlejohn)

      So now we have a Butler and a Duke, Is this the Final Four or an Agatha Christie mystery? (Paul Feehan)

      Senate Republicans tried to pass a health care amendment Thursday that would ban giving Viagra to sex offenders. It would save a lot. The drug costs two hundred dollars, which is ten dollars for the pill plus a hundred and ninety dollars for drinks and the room. (Argus Hamilton)

      A coalition of health professionals and others are calling for Ronald McDonald to retire, saying he has too much influence over kids. Apparently they think he is some kind of hot apple pie-d piper. (Jim Barach)

      HEALTH CARE

      President Obama signed the health care reform bill on Tuesday. He's taken over the auto industry, banking industry and health care industry. As a child he used to play Monopoly by seizing the box and accusing the other children of scare tactics. (Argus Hamilton)

      Senate Democrats inserted a White House takeover of the student loan business from banks in the health care bill Thursday. It's the seizure of a seventy-billion-dollar business. Somali pirates want to take the summer off to intern on Capitol Hill. (Argus Hamilton)

      Florida challenged the Health Care Reform Act in federal court Friday. Critics say it's unconstitutional to force people to buy health insurance as a condition of citizenship. The only condition of citizenship is birth in the United States or Mexico. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sunday is Easter. Who is that recognizable character with the big ears going house to house spreading goodies to everyone? Why, it's President Obama with his health care package. (Alan Ray)

      So the deal is, we buy health insurance or pay a fine or go to jail, where health care is free. That must be your public option right there. (Will Durst)

      Boeing now says the new health care law will cost it $150 million this quarter alone. Apparently, the government is now going to charge Boeing $5 for everyone who gets airsick on one of their planes. (Jake Novak)

      Beverly Hills plastic surgeons were flooded with calls from women seeking free breast implants Tuesday. Los Angeles women thought it was covered under health care reform. The signing of the bill was such big news that even the E! Channel reported it. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE CENSUS

      Census time, ladies and gentlemen. President Obama filled out his Census. I felt bad for the guy. Like he needs another reminder that he lives with his mother-in-law. (David Letterman)

      Thursday is census deadline day. The census would like every resident of the United States to fill out their form and mail it in. If you don't know how many people live in your house, just count the number of iPods. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Thursday is Census deadline day. The census would like every resident of the United States to fill out their form and mail it in. And remember, you know, the Census Bureau sends a Census taker to any home that doesn't reply by mail. So unless you want to have a conversation with another human being, you better get that in. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama signed a executive order banning federal funds for abortion. It's the deal he made with pro-life Democrats. Abortion foes worry that the order has lots of wiggle room, and wiggle room's all it takes to get pregnant in the first place. (Argus Hamilton)

      First Lady Michelle Obama attended the Kids' Choice Awards over the weekend. See, I don't think the president had ever seen that show. Like, when she got home, the president asked Michelle how it went. She said there was a lot of slime. And President Obama said, "Fox News was there?" (Jay Leno)


      THE ADMINISTRATION

      The FBI’s planned computer upgrade is behind schedule after already costing $425 Million. To show you how technologically inferior the FBI is, they just recently put out an e-mail telling their agents they can stop looking for John Dillinger. (Jim Barach)

      THE CONGRESS

      At a breakfast panel discussion hosted by the U. S. Capitol Historical Society, Texas U. S. Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison said women senators do not cheat on their husbands because they don't have the time. That's what I love about politicians. There's no moral problem with adultery, it's just a matter of scheduling and multitasking. (Jay Leno)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      If you want to know what "a little expensive" really is, you'd have to ask the Republican candidate for governor in California. If she spends, as predicted, about 50 Million to get elected to a job that pays about $200,000 a year, she would have to be in office for about 250 years just to break even. Now, before you laugh, you have to think, well hey, if John McCain can do that... (Jerry W.)

      California senate candidate Carly Fiorina was embarrassed earlier this week by sending a Passover greeting to her supporters which talked about "breaking bread" with friends and families. (Janice Hough)

      Mayflower Madam Kristin Davis says she is now running for Governor of New York. Davis, who formerly "supplied" Eliot Spitzer with women, says she wants to legalize and tax both marijuana and prostitution. Well, if she is elected, at least the state won't have any surprise sex scandals. (Janice Hough)

      Unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba. (Jay Leno)

      U.S. POLITICS

      The Republican National Committee spent $2000 in February at "Voyeur," which describes itself as "a high-end nightclub with impromptu bondage and S and M scenes." Shocked Republicans acknowledge it could be worse. The RNC at least spent the money at perhaps the only strip club in West Hollywood that features women. (Janice Hough)

      The GOP has fired a staffer who spent $1,946 taking clients to a topless club. Apparently he tried to write it off as a “pole-ing” expense. (Jim Barach)

      Republicans are all making a big issue out of the idea that there is too much government intervention in our lives, and that the government ought to leave Americans alone to make their own decisions. Which means of course they will be supporting the ballot initiative in California to legalize marijuana. Oops, never mind.

      Apparently the Republican National Committee accidentally listed a phone-sex number on a fundraising letter sent to potential donors. And across America husbands are telling wives who found their credit card statements "Really, honey, I was just trying to donate to the Republicans." (Janice Hough)

      The G.O.P. claims to be protecting American values. I'm a bit leery. They got a history of confusing "values" with "valuables." (Will Durst)

      Watched some GOP pundits and elected officials say through clenched teeth that they approved of the President's new offshore oil drilling plan. Can't tell if Obama makes Republicans angrier when he does something "liberal and out of touch" or when he actually agrees with them. (Janice Hough)

      In what appears to be a reversal of a long-standing GOP position, RNC chair Michael Steele said today that he considered same-sex unions "incredibly hot, especially when the girls are getting it on in a glass case." Other Republicans were critical, however, about the GOP chairman’s authorizing close to $2000 for a night out at a Los Angeles sex club, including Sen. John Ensign (R-Nevada): "Why spend that kind of money for something you can see in my office for free?" (Andy Borowitz)

      U.S. POLITICIANS

      Eliot Spitzer hired whores, Eric Massa tickled male aides, Larry Craig tapped toes in men’s bathrooms. This means Bill Clinton was the most sexually conservative politician we ever had. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Using the words, "reload," "aim" and "fire," Sarah Palin has put out a web page postings that target Democrats with images of rifle crosshairs. I knew Sarah Palin was running for President, I just didn't realize she was running for President of the Confederacy. (Frank King)

      Sarah Palin had a weekend for her: Changing diapers; opening up jars of baby food; cutting meat into little pieces. Just another day campaigning with John McCain. (Jay Leno)

      Some Democrats are accusing Sarah Palin of encouraging violence against Democratic members of Congress. One of her advisors has said that Palin has been quite vocal in her condemnation of the violence. Tell that to the 100 moose, 40 caribou, and eight raccoons that she shot last year. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin will campaign for and with John McCain in Arizona. The average IQ in Arizona just dropped 12 points; Alaska's rose 37%. Arizonans are people Palin can relate to; they're carrying weapons, they can see a foreign country from their front porches, and they have stuff written on their hands (their bail bondsman's phone number). (Jerry Perisho)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      A new housing plan from the Obama administration will cut payments for the unemployed and those 'underwater' on their mortgages. And for the Americans who were smart enough not to buy a house they couldn't afford... they get to have their tax money used to bail those people out along with the folks not smart enough to buy health insurance. (Jake Novak)

      Drivers will have to pay more for cars and trucks, but they'll save at the pump under tough new federal rules aimed at boosting mileage. So, it's kind of like a Big Mac Meal with a Diet Coke, (Bill Litlelohn)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      L. A. Fitness gyms dropped Fox News Monday from the cable channels customers can watch while they're working out. They were losing business. The women on Fox News are so beautiful it made customers think they could get thin just by thinking Reagan thoughts. (Argus Hamilton)

      The only auto plant in California shut down Thursday as the last Toyota rolled off the assembly line. It was moving 87 miles-per-hour at the time. (Jerry Perisho)

      Toyota owners considered filing a class-action suit against Toyota for damaging the resale value of their cars. Nobody can sell these things. Toyota announced they are temporarily stopping production because it's the one thing at Toyota they could stop. (Argus Hamilton)

      Buyer incentives have helped lift GM and Ford sales in March. The biggest incentive is that they are promising buyers that their cars will actually stop when you hit the brakes. (Jim Barach)

      Toyota's U.S. sales were up 40% last month... mostly thanks to trial lawyers who were buying up evidence. (Jake Novak)

      The iPad is getting across-the-board rave reviews from techies. They're gushing about the new features, graphics, and there's even a rumor that it might get some of them a date with a real girl. (Jake Novak)

      The first Taco Bell Restaurant has opened in India. Since cows are sacred in India, there is no religious conflict with any ingredients that Taco Bell uses in their food. (Jim Barach)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A New Jersey woman needed stitches after being hit by a battery during an episode of road rage. Apparently both the other driver and the battery have been charged. (Jim Barach)

      Robert Finch, a co-founder of KC and the Sunshine Band was arrested was arrested for having sex with teenage boys. He'd better get ready because in jail he will have to shake that booty, shake that booty! (Pedro Bartes)

      Former "American Idol" contestant Sanjaya Malakar was fined in Washington for driving 110-miles-per-hour. But the worst part was when the officer that pulled him over told him that his performance was pitchy and all over the place. (Pedro Bartes)

      SECURITY & TERRORISM

      The F.B.I. now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for Al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new health care bill. (Jay Leno)

      Al-Qaeda recruited female suicide bombers for Monday's Moscow bombing. They're easier to recruit now. The mullahs stopped promising that seventy-two male virgins will greet them in Paradise and started promising them seventy-two pairs of new shoes. (Argus Hamilton)

      Al-Qaeda recruited female suicide bombers for Monday's Moscow bombing. They're easier to recruit now. The mullahs stopped promising that seventy-two male virgins will greet them in Paradise and started promising them seventy-two pairs of new shoes. (Argus Hamilton)
      Well, the F. B.I. is now saying that Al Qaeda may be planning an attack on a U. S. sports stadium. See, I don't think Al Qaeda, though, has any idea about our sports. You know what their big plan is? To hit Wrigley Field during the World Series. (Jay Leno)

      THE UNITED NATIONS

      Pres. Obama says he wants the United Nations to have sanctions in place against Iran within the next few weeks. The UN is tough; punishment could include banning college students on spring break from going to Tehran, no Major League Baseball games, and a blackout on the Tony Awards broadcast. (Jerry Perisho)

      NASA & SPACE

      The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has asked NASA to investigate whether faulty electronics could be causing an acceleration problem in Toyotas. So, I guess it is rocket science. (Bill Mihalic)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      A key Iranian scientist has defected to the U. S. Iran is mad about losing him as he was reportedly just on the brink of bringing the country rotary phone technology. (Jim Barach)

      Obama met with Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai, but Karzai was late for the meeting. This was an important meeting. Both presidents agreed that we have to work to wipe out terror networks. Get rid of terror networks, like Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Fox News. (David Letterman)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEANIA

      Some Indonesian provinces say they will ignore a government anti-pornography law. It's good to see that if any issue is powerful enough to unite a country against govenment censorship, it is Internet porn. (Jim Barach)

      HEALTH

      According to Men's Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they're in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government's paying for it now. Who cares? (Jay Leno)

      A study says that magnets can alter people’s morality by scrambling the moral center of the brain. Which means they really need to take down all those power lines around the Capitol Building. (Jim Barach)

      A new study by the German Institute of Human Nutrition has found that eating chocolate every day lowers your risk of heart attack and stroke by 40%. You'll need a healthy heart, especially because it'll be broken many times by guys that don't like fat women. (Pedro Bartes)

      Protesters gathered outside Times Square to demand that Ronald McDonald retire because of childhood obesity. McDonald's executives responded that the real culprit is the McParents. (Israel Carrasco)

      An Ohio woman who gave birth to a baby girl had her labor suddenly stop, so the baby's twin brother wasn't born until seven days later. This little guy made his mother wait and wait; he certainly doesn't take after his father. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE ENVIRONMENT

      He who must be obeyed says he will allow some offshore drilling for oil. Personally, I think it's an April fuels joke. (Jive Dadson)

      Environmentalists are very upset that President Obama supports expanded oil exploration offshore. In a strong show of protest, they'll place their hedge clippings in the fruits and vegetables compost pile. (Jerry Perisho)


      SPORTS

      Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Duke is in the final four. Many basketball fans love to hate Duke because it is considered an elitist and arrogant school. When asked to quickly respond, a Duke student said; "Not if you insist on asking with a split infinitive." (Alex Kaseberg)

      Gee, why do they call him "Duke Vitale"? Today's version of the official March Madness thread, with the Greatest Basketball Team Ever, according to Dick, taking on Baylor (google.com)

      A study says that Yankees players are the highest paid athletes in the world. The lowest paid athletes in the world are the sweepers in curling whose work is considered janitorial service. (Jim Barach)

      The New York Yankees have an ambidextrous pitcher, Pat Venditte, in camp, and he threw with both arms in a game against the Braves on Tuesday. So just how many times in an at-bat do he and a switch-hitter get to change their minds? (Janice Hough)

      Advertising Age said Tuesday the NCAA tournament will draw a half billion dollars in ad revenue. It's money well spent. Polls say basketball is the world's second favorite indoor sport, but the other one's got more spectators on the Internet. (Argus Hamilton)

      After 7-63 New Jersey proceeded to win 3 of 4 and blew its shot at the worst record in NBA history. The Nets even fail at failing. (Falk.com)

      Steve Lavin, the ESPN analyst and ex-UCLA coach, is the new basketball coach at St. John's, but it took some unusual negotiating. His hair-gel allowance, we hear, is capped at the cost of an OPEC barrel. (Dwight Perry)

      I've heard about this women's final four but I'm a little confused. Are they college basketball teams or the last four porn artists Jesse James slept with? (Bill Williams)

      The World Curling Federation's top three proposals on ways to make games shorter: 3. Eliminate timeouts; 2. Reduce games from ten ends to eight; 1. One hour into draws, announce Happy Hour in the bar. (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      A report in Vanity Fair says that Michael Jordan taught Tiger Woods how to womanize. If you are going to learn about womanizing, don’t take lessons from the guy who got caught and had to make one of the biggest divorce payoffs in history. (Jim Barach)

      Gilbert Arenas will not serve jail time for bringing a loaded gun to his locker. His attorney argued that he has already being punished enough. The judge agreed. In his ruling he said, "For God's sake, he plays for the Washington Wizards." (Israel Carrasco)

      Kentucky freshman John Wall is unsure if he wants to go pro and be forced into rookie pay scale (rivals.yahoo.com)

      I'm not saying Jarome Iginla has been in a slump, but the most offensive right-winger in Calgary the last couple weeks was Ann Coulter. (RJ Currie)

      Ballhype.com reports that Shaquille O'Neal's free throw shooting this season is even worse than usual, a paltry 48 per cent. About the only thing Shaq has going for him at the free throw line is swishful thinking. (RJ Currie)

      Everybody is talking about Pat Venditte, a New York Yankees player that can pitch with both arms. What's the big deal? The Washington Nationals have players that can pitch with neither and they are not bragging. (Pedro Bartes)

      Carlos Zambrano says he'll stop arguing with umpires, throwing baseballs into the outfield, and smashing water coolers. Basically the only things that make a Cubs game interesting (Chicago Tribune)

      Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will not report to the team's voluntary offseason conditioning program. However, if they put in a dance floor and a cash bar, he might reconsider. (Reggie Hayes)

      Georgia authorities drop request for DNA sample from Ben Roethlisberger, presumably since it's so readily available. (Falk.com)

      Ex-NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf got 10 years probation on prescription drug charges, but avoided jail after friends convinced the court to drop burglary charges so Ryan could get some counseling. I guess they're hoping he can turn over a new Leaf. (RJ Currie)

      President Obama will toss out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. Don't worry. To make sure he gets a warm reception, nobody will be allowed to buy a ticket to the game if they make over two hundred fifty thousand dollars a year. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington Nationals this year. The team was 59-103 last year. Every pitch for the Nationals is ceremonial. (Jim Barach)

      Bernie Carbo of the Red Sox says that before he hit the game-tying home run in game six of the 1975 World Series, he "probably smoked two joints, drank about three or four beers, got to the ballpark, took some [amphetamines], took a pain pill, drank a cup of coffee, chewed some tobacco, had a cigarette, and got up to the plate and hit." That's more like Willie Nelson stepping up to the mike. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Patrick Chan says his silver at the World Figure Skating Championship feels like gold, even though three skaters who finished ahead of him at the Olympics weren't there. Meanwhile, Brian Burke says take away Montreal, Boston and Philadelphia and the Leafs feel they're still in the playoff hunt. (RJ Currie)

      Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested at a Cleveland airport for carrying a loaded handgun in his carry-on luggage. When asked why he'd be carrying a loaded handgun, Rogers said, "What good would it do me unloaded?" (Jerry Perisho)

      Skier Lindsey Vonn, who made Olympic headlines for putting a cheese wrap on her shin and subsequently winning the women's downhill, will guest star on the season finale of Law and Order. I'm thinking this time it'll be a bum rap. (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Walt Disney issued a casting call for actresses Monday for the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie and specified no breast implants. They plan to test the actresses by making them run down the street, because the jiggle gives it away. After ten years someone's finally figured out a way to get a TV contract for the Los Angeles Marathon. (Argus Hamilton)

      Fox cancelled the show 24. Now, if you want to get your weekly dose of torture, you'll have to watch The View. (Pedro Bartes)

      Posting $43.3 million in opening weekend box office grosses, "How to Train Your Dragon" edged out "Alice in Wonderland" for the top spot. On a less positive note for its producer Paramount, 47% of the audience told exit pollsters they showed up thinking the film was a documentary about Sandra Bullock's marriage. (Bob Mills)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Sandra Bullock went into hiding Friday as four more women claimed affairs with her husband Jesse James. Not again. That sex addiction rehab in Mississippi is about to replace the Betty Ford Center as a station of the cross if you want to be a celebrity. (Argus Hamilton)

      Charlie Sheen is reportedly leaving the show "Two and a Half Men." That leaves them with one and half men. Otherwise known as "Fantasy Island." ( Jim Barach)

      Ricky Martin announced that he's gay. Wow! I haven't been this shocked since Adam Lambert admitted he was gay. (Pedro Bartes)

      The Latin singer Ricky Martin admits he's gay. Others could tell because of all the sure signs. His music collection was full of Ricky Martin music. (Alan Ray)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James has checked into rehab... it's not clear if it's for sex addiction or tattoo addiction. (Jake Novak)

      Jesse James has entered sex rehab. He's at the Tiger Woods Clinic getting de-floozied. (Bill Litlelohn)

      After an affair with a tattooed stripper, Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James, has had more heavily-tattooed women accuse him of cheating with them. Apparently Jesse likes the tattoos so much he once accidentally made a pass at Dennis Rodman's elbow. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Adult entertainment company Vivid is offering Octomom money to avoid the foreclosure of her home if she agrees to make a pornographic movie. She actually offered to do it for free, as long as they let her take all the samples she wants. (Pedro Bartes)

      Jamie Jungers told Vanity Fair that all her hook-ups with Tiger were arranged through his friend, the president of Tiger Woods Design, Byron Bell. How about that? She really did ring Tiger's Bell. (RJ Currie)

      THE MEDIA

      A guest host for the Glenn Beck show said on his radio show that tanning tax makes the health care bill "racist" because "dark-skinned people" don't use tanning salons. To make it fair for white people, he is asking Democrats to raise the price of large condoms. (Pedro Bartes)

      At around 7 a. m. today, Youtube went down. It was awful; in order to get my morning fix, I had to teach my own cat how to play the piano. (Jimmy Fallon)

      EDUCATION

      Washington University in St. Louis announced "Strip for America" --an parallel program to "Teach for America". "A lot of people have this misperception that there are good strippers across the country, but that’s just not true. Some people today are really put at a major disadvantage; they live in communities with little or no funding for quality strip joints.” stated the student paper. I hear the GOP National Committee is strongly behind this program. (Jim Mica 04-01-10)

      One of his last initiatives before stepping down as president of University of Maryland (College Park), Dan Mote is trying to have the institution's mascot changed from the terrapin to the panda. (Inside Higher Ed)

      I want to just take a moment to thank the Teabaggers. Thank you so much for helping us pass health care, for resurrecting the Obama presidency. I know they're saying, 'Why are you thanking me? I was so against it, I marched on Washington with tea bags hanging off my Founding Fathers costume, with a gun on my hip and a picture of Obama dressed as Hitler, screaming about his birth certificate.' And America saw that and said, 'I think I'll go with the calm black man. (Bill Maher)

      RELIGION

      The Real Face of Jesus airs on the History Channel Tuesday. It employs encoded blood from the shroud of Turin to reconstruct Jesus's face using computer imaging. The picture they released of Jesus makes him look half Jewish, which explains his mother's side, and half English, which Episcopalians say explains his Father's side. (Argus Hamilton)

      HISTORY

      You know who's coming back to town? King Tut. His mummified remains will be on display here in New York City. And I was thinking, yeah, big deal. I mean, if you want mummified remains, watch Larry King. (David Letterman)

      So what was the origin of April Fool's Day? One guess, it started at Wrigley Field on Opening Day when a sellout crowd all insisted "This is our year to win it all. Of course, how many people in Chicago think that "Passover" just commemorates another year that a championship has passed over the Cubs? (Janice Hough)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      America's first legal male prostitute has left the brothel he worked at in Nevada after attracting fewer than ten paying customers. Apparently he was just tired of Tiger Woods taking all his business. (Jim Barach)

      A Halifax woman sued a tattooist for giving her a tattoo reading 'You're so beatiful' instead of 'You're so beautiful.' She lost because 'beatiful' was on the stencil which she saw beforehand. Meanwhile, turning a negative into a positive, the artist is offering the tattoo at half price to Toronto Maple Leafs and New Jersey Nets fans. (RJ Currie)

      HOLIDAYS

      Earlier today, President Obama canceled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil. (Jay Leno)

      Sunday is Easter. Big change in White House festivities. Instead of eggs this year, Obama aides thought it would be smarter to hide Joe Biden. (Alan Ray)

      This week, President Obama issued a proclamation declaring it Cesar Chavez Day. So this week was both Passover and Cesar Chavez Day. See, one holiday celebrates the flight of the Jewish people from Egypt to Israel, the other celebrates the flight of Mexican people from Tijuana to Los Angeles. (Jay Leno)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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