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Weakly Humerus News 03-27-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03=-27-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Despite rumors to the contrary, Ann Coulter wasn t in Calgary because the Flames
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 27, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03=-27-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Despite rumors to the contrary, Ann Coulter wasn't in Calgary because the Flames want to add an offensive minded right-winger. (RJ Currie)

      Of course, this all [Health Care] couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support. (Jay Leno)

      It would be hard to top the true basketball shocker of the weekend – The New Jersey Nets have won two straight. (Janice Hough)

      Republican John McCain, shocked a recent campaign audience, by exclaiming, he was "Independent". What he actually said was, he was "in Depends". (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Victoria's Secret is teaming up with MLB and coming out with a line of baseball-themed lingerie. This adds a whole new level of anticipation to the top and bottom of an inning. (RJ Currie)

      Arenas does actually seem contrite at this point, and may actually finally realize the gravity of his actions. For example, after sentencing, could have included jail time, he did NOT tell the media that he felt he had "dodged a bullet." (Janice Hough)

      Urologists say that since vasectomies require men to sit for long periods of time to recover, March Madness gives patients a great excuse to watch games. A track meet seems like a better choice; after all, that's where men in charge are shooting blanks. (Jerry Perisho)

      Lindsay Lohan complained on twitter because she was forced to wait in line at a West Hollywood club. And we all know how much she hates to wait for a line! (Pedro Bartes)

      In Colorado, the organizers of a group that stole $20,000 worth of baby formula pleaded guilty. They had pleaded not guilty earlier, but everyone knew their story was just pure pablum. (Jerry Perisho)

      Time to retire the TV-broadcasters' cliché that two golfers "are staging quite a duel out there" on the course. If that were true, of course, there'd be a hole-in-one. (Dwight Perry)

      Foreclosure proceedings have begun on the residence of the Octomom. She is reportedly looking for a cheaper shoe. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli was suspended for the season and ordered to pay restitution for his part in a campus burglary. Clearly a case of a quarterback sneak being stopped for no gain. (RJ Currie)

      The Adult entertainment company Vivid is offering Octomom money to avoid the foreclosure of her home if she agrees to make a pornographic movie. Apparently, they want 8 people inside of her again. (Pedro Bartes)

      At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: "I tried to stop, and I couldn't stop. And it was just, it was horrific." Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota. (Janice Hough)

      The Tea Party movement sees itself as the Oral Majority. (Harry Farkas)

      You have to love all the Republicans who suddenly started saying about healthcare that they didn't want the government coming between a doctor and a patient. Can we quote them on this the next time Roe v. Wade comes under attack? (Janice Hough)

      "The History of The White People" by Neil Irwin Painter is yet another book about the NHL. (Stephen Colbert)

      HEALTH CARE

      I tell you, it's starting to get nasty. Today, Democratic Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Republican Minority Leader John Boehner got in such a heated argument, Boehner missed his appointment at the tanning salon, and she missed her appointment for Botox injections. (Jay Leno)

      Republicans are saying that the procedures and tactics the Democrats are using to pass health care reform will "destroy bipartisanship" in Washington. Isn't that a little like saying erecting barbed wire fences in prairies will adversely affect the wild unicorn population? (Frank King)

      And before the vote, protesters on Capitol Hill heckled Nancy Pelosi. But she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, as well as a tightly stretched forehead, and an unnaturally arched eyebrow. (Jay Leno)

      Well, health care reform has passed the House of Representatives. I haven't been this excited since my last digital prostate exam. (Jerry Perisho)

      Inquiring Minds want to know: -- How many congressmen who have been ruinIng the country with government health insurance will now help the nation by cancellIng their awful policies? -- Since not one republican voted for health care reform, how will they take credit for it when it works? -- And most important of all, has Rush Limbaugh left yet for Costa Rico? (Joe Hickman)

      Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, "The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act." (Jay Leno)

      Congress passed President Obama's Health Care Reform Bill Sunday night. It comes just in time to deal with all the heart attacks suffered by insurance company executives. (Jim Barach)

      The new health care law allows young adults to stay on their parents' insurance plans until they're 26 years old. And they're going to need that insurance, because unemployed 26-year-olds living at home are 77% more likely to get their asses kicked regularly by their parents. (Jake Novak)

      Health care reform looked like sausage being made? I wish. This was more like watching beetle larvae, snail guts, lizard tripe and cephalopod eyeballs mixed in with sour cream. (Will Durst)

      As part of some changes the Health Care bill brought, indoor tanning salons will charge customers a 10 percent tax beginning today. Now you understand why Mitt Romney was so mad on Sunday when Democrats passed the bill.

      And we're getting more details on what happened in the White House after the vote. In fact, the minute it passed, Joe Biden, he was speechless. So, right there, the bill is already paying dividends. (Jay Leno)

      And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already. (Jay Leno)

      At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: "I tried to stop, and I couldn't stop. And it was just, it was horrific." Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota. (Janice Hough)

      What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I'll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry's was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody's getting cocky now that there's free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares? (Craig Ferguson)

      The new health care bill has claimed its first casualty in the medical profession---Dr. Izzie Steven's is leaving 'Grey's Anatomy'. (Bill Littlejohn)

      MARCH MADNESS

      Is your NCAA Tournament bracket looking bad? After Saturday's action, only 12 brackets in ESPN.com's Tournament Challenge out of a total of 4.78 million had correctly picked all eight of the Sweet 16 teams determined to that point. (Greg Frazier)

      If computers ruled college basketball the way they do football, we'd have skipped all this March Madness monotony and just waited a month for the Kansas-Kentucky title game. And watched Northern Iowa play Cornell in the Poulan Weedeater Bowl. (Dwight Perry)

      Eternity: Brett Favre trying to finalize his NCAA tournament brackets. (Janice Hough)

      A lot of upsets over the weekend. Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. Georgetown lost to Ohio. Republicans lost to the Democrats. (Jay Leno)

      Win or lose, they are the favorite March Madness team for Lady Gaga: Gonzagaga. (Paul Feehan)

      The difference between seniors from Cornell and other NCAA tournament teams: On Parents Night, they introduce their au pairs. (Dwight Perry)

      THE CENSUS

      You have to include everybody in your house. For example, you must include people, even people who just sleep part-time in your house. They have to be included on the Census form. Like Sandra Bullock's husband. (David Letterman)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, "doing many of the things that Hitler did." And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In what some are calling the boldest move of his Presidency, Barack Obama broke with a time-honored tradition observed by several U.S. Presidents including George W. Bush by pronouncing the word "nuclear" as it appears in the dictionary. Announcing the new weapons pact with Russia today, Mr. Obama repeatedly pronounced the word "nuclear" in a way that has rarely been used by a U.S. President since Jimmy Carter was in the White House. (Andy Borowitz)

      Mr. Obama's obscure pronunciation of "nuclear" drew harsh reactions from members of the Tea Party movement, who see the President's obsession with correct English usage as an attempt to make the nation more European. A sign at a recent Teabagger rally read, "Obama Wants to Disconnect Your Granma (sic) and Correct Your Gramar (sic)." (Andy Borowitz)

      Michelle Obama is going to be honored for her anti-obesity campaign at Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Awards, hosted by Kevin James. I mean, seriously — fighting obesity at a show hosted by Kevin James. That's like fighting adultery at a show hosted by Jesse James. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced today that the Pentagon will ease up on its enforcement of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. He said homosexual behavior will still be against the rules, but nobody will actively enforce it. You know, kind of like the ethics regulations in Congress. (Jay Leno)

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was down in Mexico earlier this week. Nothing important. She has to go down there every year at this time to drag Bill back from spring break. (Jay Leno)

      THE COURTS

      A North Carolina jury, this week, awarded $9 million to a jilted wife, from the other woman. The other woman has to pay $9 million to the wife for breaking up her marriage. Wait, do you realize how historic this is? Guys, for the first time in history, women are agreeing it's not the guy's fault. It's her fault! This is what men have been saying for years. Poor John Edwards. He was tricked. (Jay Leno)

      The Texas Supreme Court will hear arguments in a case about "poll taxes", a surcharge on strip club patrons. They will allow 15 minutes for the prosecution and 15 minutes for the defense. And then, there's an hour for lap dances. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      Outgoing Governor David Patterson has proposed the purchase of double-wide house trailers to be used for conjugal visits by state convicts serving their time with good behavior. In honor of his predecessor, he wants to include several trailers, nicknamed “Spitzer Wagons,” for those inmates who prefer conjugal hookers. (Bob Mills)

      New York taxi drivers overcharged 1.8 million passengers. The scam was finally discovered by a surgeon. And hey, if anyone knows about overcharging … (Bill Mihalic)

      A poll says that 50% of New Yorkers favor the legalization of medical marijuana and 41% oppose. One gentleman in the other 9% asked to have the question repeated twice and then replied, "Hey bud, which way is the Fillmore East at?" (Neil Berliner)

      California voters could legalize marijuana in the November election. The news caused Mrs. Fields Cookies stock to go up 300% overnight. (Jim Barach)

      An initiative to legalize and regulate marijuana for personal use has qualified for the ballot in California this November. Which may help explain why the San Francisco Giants were able to sign Tim Lincecum to a long-term contract. (Janice Hough)

      Lance Armstrong ripped ESPN's Tony Kornheiser Monday for joking that motorists should run down bicyclists hogging the right lane in traffic. Bicyclists simply don't belong there. The right-hand lane in Los Angeles is for people who are drug-free. (Argus Hamilton)

      U.S. POLITICIANS

      Joe Biden seems to have upset some Republicans by referring to healthcare reform as a "f**king" big deal. Apparently he should have followed the lead of our last vice-president and used the word as a verb. In case anyone forgets, Dick Cheney suggested to Vermont senator Patrick Leahy that he attempt an anatomically impossible act. (Janice Hough)

      In the wake of several cranky public utterances by Arizona's senior senator in recent days, a new poll shows that a majority of Americans favor an earlier bedtime for John McCain. Fifty-two percent of those surveyed strongly agreed with the statement, "When John McCain says he doesn't want to serve in the Senate even though he is running for re-election it makes me think he missed his nap." (Andy Borowitz)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      A Fox News poll says that 79% of Americans fear there could be an economic collapse. The other 21% don't watch Glenn Beck. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The famous jeweler, Tiffany & Company, announced their fourth-quarter profits were quadruple what they were this time last year. Experts say it's either a sign the economy is improving or more guys are getting caught cheating. (Jay Leno)

      The famous jewelry maker, Tiffany and Co. announced fourth quarter profits quadrupled from last year. They even took out an ad in all the papers “Thank you, Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Jesse James and David Letterman.” (Alex Kaseberg)

      A new GPS invention could make toll collectors obsolete by monitoring cars on toll roads. One angry toll-taker said: "So now what do I do with myself? Sit around like a lump all day being bored and watching traffic go by?" (Neil Berliner)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to use Monopoly money to buy drugs. He was sentenced to jail until he rolls doubles. (Alex Schubert)

      SECURITY & TERRORISM

      Well, the mother of that homegrown terrorist, the one they call "Jihad Jane," says her daughter only joined a terrorist group because she was lonely and wanted someone to love her. Well, that, and the fact that she thought eHarmony was just too creepy. (Jay Leno)

      EUROPE

      In France, people are appalled that contestants in a fake game show were willing to repeatedly torture a man by giving him what they thought was electric shock until the guy was dead. The show was called "Be Dick Cheney For A Day." (Jay Leno)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      A new book says that boys raised by nannies may become adulterers later in life because of having more than one woman raise them. Or it could be from watching dad always hitting on the nannies. (Jim Barach)

      A British researcher claims that men raised by nannies are more likely to cheat because they get the idea as little boys that they should have more than one woman to take care of their needs And all over England, people are exclaiming, "Mary Poppins, you homewrecker." (Janice Hough)

      German scientists confirmed they've created a light-bending invisibility cloak that in the last couple weeks successfully made objects disappear. They would neither confirm nor deny experimenting on the San Jose Sharks. (RJ Currie)

      According to Men's Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they're in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government's paying for it now. Who cares? (Jay Leno)

      A study in the journal "Neurobiology of Aging" revealed there is memory loss between the age of 40 and 50. Not only that, but there is memory loss between the age of 40 and 50. (Alex Kaseberg)

      SPORTS

      A Virginia physician has been arrested on suspicion of selling steroids to the Washington Nationals. These steroids obviously didn't work. (Alex Schubert)

      The NHL, MSG network and Cablevision made history this week as the Rangers-Islanders game was the first-ever hockey game telecast in 3D. The Rangers and Islanders in 3D? Haven't New York hockey fans suffered enough? (RJ Currie)

      HBO Sports president Ross Greenburg confirmed the New York Jets will be featured on this season's Hard Knocks, saying, “We have our Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg in Rex Ryan.” I think that still leaves them about 25 pounds short. (RJ Currie)

      NBA owners okayed Michael Jordan's two hundred seventy-five million dollar bid to buy the Charlotte Bobcats Friday. That's pretty much every nickel he ever made. It was another huge setback for Las Vegas, who would have gotten the money eventually. (Argus Hamilton)

      Regarding that story of the NFL being concerned about about a third of potential first-rounders admitting marijuana use – are they worried more about those kids having drug problems or the other kids being liars? (Janice Hough)

      The Los Angeles Marathon incited local fury Sunday over its new route, which cut off traffic all day. No one was happy. The day ended as it always does, with some Kenyan outlasting everybody and claiming victory, but enough about health care reform. (Argus Hamilton)

      What do Washington Nationals coaches call a batter who consistently pops up on the infield? Power hitter. (Alan Ray)

      ATHLETES

      Gilbert Arenas, the Washington Wizards star who pled guilty after bringing four guns into the locker room, was sentenced today to 30 days in a halfway house, plus probation and community service. The judge could have handed down a much tougher sentence, like returning to play for the Wizards. (Janice Hough)

      Tiger Woods gave interviews to the Golf Channel and to ESPN Sunday in which he discussed aspects of his sexual recovery program. Giving up your old behavior is a full-time task. Seeing midgets on the side is not proof that you're tapering off. (Argus Hamilton)

      TMZ reports that Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been in touch with a 'high-profile private dick.' High-profile private dick? I guess they're not talking about Tiger Woods. (RJ Currie)

      We may never know for sure what exactly happened between Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and his latest accuser. But it does seem likely that Ben's "dating skills" are never going to get him invited to be a contestant on "the Bachelor." (Janice Hough)

      Denver Broncos defensive lineman Jamal Williams, who just signed a $16 million contract, reportedly gave six restaurant employees a $100 tip each to serve five friends and him hot wings after closing time. One hundred dollars might seem like a big tip, but to Williams it was clearly chicken feed. (RJ Currie)

      Sure, cornerback Antonio Cromartie had to get a $500,000 advance from the Jets to get his child support — for seven kids, via six women — up to date, but look on the bright side. One more progeny, and he can bill himself as The OctoDad. (Dwight Perry)

      If things don't work out for quarterback Brady Quinn with the Denver Broncos, I think he should give Edmonton a call. Quinn the Eskimo has a ring to to it. (RJ Currie)

      The center Zydrunas Ilgauskas has signed with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He had to make a tough choice; he could either get a $100,000 signing bonus or have all of the letters in his name sewn on his jersey. (Jerry Perisho)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno said on the Tonight Show that Pamela Anderson won't win the upcoming Dancing With the Stars and suggested her large bosom throws off her balance. That's today's top story. (RJ Currie)

      Some TV watchers in North Carolina got quite a shock when a children's channel somehow got pre-empted by two hours of the Playboy Channel. It could have been worse, Time Warner could have broadcast Tiger Woods' text messages. (Cam Hutchinson)

      'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' is big at the box office. A young nerd copes with the adolescent idiocy of middle school mentalities. To train for the part, he spent several weeks with an NHL team. (Alan Ray)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Jimi Hendrix established a record by breaking into the Billboard top five 40 years after his death, breaking the posthumous record of 26 years held by Elvis Presley. Elvis said, "It was bound to happen." – (Bill Littlejohn)

      Larry King was spotted driving around L. A. in his convertible with the rapper Snoop Dogg in the passenger's seat. Snoop was being a good sport about it, but he just couldn't sync his legs with Larry's, and his "yabba-dabba-doo" was pathetic. (Bill Williams)

      Kim Kardashian, who just split up with NFL star Reggie Bush, was recently named Hottest Body on Earth by Austrailian magazine FHM. After all the sexist jokes Kim has had to endure about her bustline, let me just say it's good to know her body is appreciated Down Under. (RJ Currie)

      Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have broken up. "That's really a shame", said absolutely no one. (Janice Hough)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      2004 Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare Garcia, wife of quarterback Jeff Garcia, is suing a Cleveland nightclub for using her image on a flier. Three things really upset Carmella: 3. using her image without permission; 2. making her look like an escort; 1. reminding her she once lived in Cleveland. (RJ Currie)

      Sandra Bullock's husband Jessie James had an affair with a tattoo artist while Bullock was away filming The Blindside. I'll bet Sandra didn't see that coming. (RJ Currie)

      Sandra Bullock's husband is undergoing psychological treatment for infidelity. But given that the other woman's got more tattoos on her body than a wall of subway graffiti, he nearly went crazy during the Rorschach. (Tulla Brendingulo)

      THE MEDIA

      A TV station in Chicago ordered its broadcasters to stop using newspeak words. That's great because OMG, for sure, people are like totally so, like, tired of weak language and whatever, duh. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Today is sportscaster Bob Costas' birthday. He is 58 years old today, making him the youngest sportscaster in history to have his age equal his height in inches. (Jerry Perisho)

      EDUCATION

      College professors are starting to ban laptop computers from the classroom. Professors feel that if crib notes are still good enough for Sarah Palin, then students shouldn't need high tech to cheat. (Jim Barach)

      RELIGION

      Pope Benedict XVI has been accused of, (back while he was still Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger), helping to stop an investigation of a Wisconsin priest accused of molesting over 200 deaf boys. This is the most embarrassing story to hit the Vatican since last week (Janice Hough)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      The community activist group ACORN announced that it is disbanding due to recent money woes. Pimps across the country bemoaned the fact they'll have to find another quasi-governmental agency to advise them. (Jerry Perisho)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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