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Weakly Humerus News 03-13-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-13-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 13, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-13-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he's doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something. (Jay Leno)

      Yesterday, President Obama hosted the Alabama Crimson Tide football team at the White House. At one point, the quarterback threw a football to Obama, which was the first time in his presidency that anything has gotten passed. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno said on the Tonight Show that Pamela Anderson won't win the upcoming Dancing With the Stars and suggested her large bosom throws off her balance. That's today's top story. (RJ Currie)

      Denial of death is very big in our culture. In fact, we all die eventually. We’re not all going to keep going and going. We’re humans, not Toyotas. (Craig Ferguson)

      The White House told staffers Monday to ignore all the press stories of palace intrigue in the Washington D.C. newspapers. It's bad. The president has been spiking everybody's Diet Cokes with Flomax but so far it hasn't stopped the continuous leaking. (Argus Hamilton)

      Tom Delay: "People are unemployed because they want to be." Yes, that's what he said. (Huffington Post)

      JFK airport is going to shut down their main runway for four months; it's all part of simplifying things so they can teach elementary kids to be air traffic controllers. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Canada has backed off a sugestion to change some lyrics of the National Anthem "O Canada" to make it gender inclusive. Or they could just make it more nationalistic and call it "Eh, Canada?" (Jim Barach)

      L. A. Airport has installed the first full-body scanners in America. This is a pilot program. They want to start the program in a city where everyone's bulimic so that the naked bodies on the demo reel will look good in the congressional hearings. (Argus Hamilton)

      More and more staffers keep coming forward regarding alleged groping and harrassment in New York Congressman Rick Massa’s office. If this keeps up future similar incidents may be known as “Massa-bation.”

      I'm not sure if you guys have heard the latest update on healthcare reform, but Democrats are saying they hope to get a final healthcare vote before Easter. Well, I don't know. Two resurrections is a lot to hope for, don't you think? (Jimmy Fallon)

      U. S. researchers estimate that an 18% tax on soda and pizza would lead to an average weight loss of five pounds for Americans each year. Either that or it would completely wipe out the national debt in about six months. (Jim Barach)

      Democratic Congressman Eric Massa of New York resigned Thursday as allegations surfaced that he sexually harassed a young male staffer. It's not the first time this has happened. U.S. Congressmen are always anxious to turn the page on this kind of scandal, but turning the pages is what started the scandal in the first place. (Argus Hamilton)

      So what's next for that suit worn by O. J. Simpson during his 1995 murder trial, now that it has been rejected by the Smithsonian Institution? Thanks to a booking agent, the O. J. suit will be on tour later this summer as the opening act for the Monica Lewinsky dress. (Greg Cote)

      ERIC MASSA

      Former Democratic congressman Eric Massa resigned on Monday amid allegations that he groped male staff workers. Massa claims he was tickling them and then claimed he was being forced out over his healthcare vote. If you're wondering why we don't have healthcare, it's because there's too much tickling in Congress. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it’s not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it’s Eric Massa trying to get in your pants. (Jay Leno)

      He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York? (David Letterman)

      Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn't show them on the air. Now if you're trying to convince people you're not gay, you probably shouldn't show your big book of naked sailors. (Jay Leno)

      Democrat Eric Massa says Rahm Emanuel stormed into the House gym shower naked and badgered him to vote for the president's budget. The congressmen was under investigation for groping three male staffers. Rahm Emanuel does a lot of research in order to find out how to give each congressman what he wants in exchange for his vote. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former New York congressman Eric Massa admitted to tickling a staffer until he couldn't breathe. Dick Dick Cheney said, "We should have tried that at Gitmo." (David Letterman)

      Providing some pushback to the criticism he has suffered over the past week, colleagues of former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) praised him today, with one Republican staffer saying, “Congressman Massa was always eager to reach around the aisle. ” Tracy Klugian, the GOP congressional aide who offered that defense, said that Rep. Massa “could always be counted on to grope for solutions. ” Mr. Klugian described Rep. Massa as a tireless worker: "He might be taking a shower with his staff, but he was still keeping an eye on things the whole time." As for his legislative style, Mr. Klugian said, “No matter how ticklish the fight became, Eric was always very hands-on. He would grab a problem by the balls and not let go. ” (Andy Borowitz)

      Massa just keeps getting into more and more trouble. One of Massa's former shipmates in the Navy says that he used to give his subordinates massages. And he called them "Massa massages", which is why the Navy's policy toward Massa was "don't ask because it's pretty obvious, isn't it?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      It turns out Eric Massa was living in a house in D. C. with a bunch of young single male staffers. Massa described the house as "just a bunch of guys doing guy stuff", while the male staffers described it as a "den of awkwardness." (Jimmy Fallon)

      We had a lousy audience last night. You couldn’t tell if they were laughing at the jokes or if they were being tickled by Eric Massa. (David Letterman)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Hey, today is No Smoking Day, where smokers are supposed to quit cigarettes for the day. Or as Sasha and Malia call it, "Daddy's in a Really Bad Mood Day." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Just two days after being told by his doctor to cut down on his cholesterol, President Obama went to a Savannah restaurant and had a meal that included fried chicken and blueberry pudding. That’s why he’s in favor of healthcare, he’s going to need it. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama gave House and Senate Democratic leaders a legislative deadline Monday, saying he wants the health care reform bill passed in ten days, before he leaves for Indonesia and Australia. He's flying away on Easter. That's what saviors do. (Argus Hamilton)

      As President Obama tries to push the health care reform football over the goal line, attacks continue from the right that Mr. Obama is a Fascist, a Socialist and just like Hitler. You know, I studied my history, but I don't remember Fascists, Socialists and Hitler fighting so hard to get universal health care for poor people. (Frank King)

      Chief Justice John Roberts criticized President Obama's State of the Union and says the annual address has "degenerated to a political pep rally." And I guess he didn't like those five, drunk shirtless guys in the balcony with "O-B-A-M-A" painted on their bellies. (Bill Mihalic)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Joe Biden went to Israel to work on the Mideast peace process with Israel and the Palestinians. The president sent Biden to a region where one reckless remark could start a world war. Defense stocks rose on news that his plane landed safely in Israel. (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House was reported by ESPN Tuesday to be considering banning sport fishing in America. It's a smart move. He's beginning to understand that the only way he can get reelected is if New York and California are the only two states left in the union. (Argus Hamilton)

      There are rumors that the Obama administration may ban fishing in lakes. Fox News is saying “Obama wages jihad on fisherman,” and NPR says “Obama protects aquatic unicorns,” and I don’t know who to believe. (Craig Ferguson)

      So, the U. S. Postal Service wants to stop delivering on Saturdays? Apparently it stole the idea from the Washington State football team. (Dwight Perry)

      THE CONGRESS

      Senators Lindsey Graham and Chuck Schumer proposed a national ID card for everybody who has a job in America. Civil liberties lawyers and gun rights advocates hit the ceiling. It's the first time they've been on the same side of an issue since Yorktown. (Argus Hamilton)

      As you may have heard, the House has passed a $15 billion jobs bill. That's the good news. The bad news? All those new jobs, fixing Toyotas. (Jay Leno)

      Senator Hatch says if Democrats try to push the health care bill through, it will destroy bipartisanship. Oh no! They're killing the dodo. (Will Durst)

      Congressional Democrats said they doubt that they can get the health care reform bill passed by March 18 as demanded by Pres. Obama. So far, the bill is showing less movement than Nancy Pelosi's forehead. (Jerry Perisho)

      The senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown, has signed a book deal and will publish his memoirs in early 2011. The book wears a jacket; the author wears a G-string. (Jerry Perisho)

      Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts is writing a book. The working title is "Pants on the Ground, Pants on the Ground, Lookin' Like I Rule With My Pants on the Ground." (Alex Kaseberg)

      Senator Jim Bunning, a baseball Hall of Famer, gave a reporter the middle finger this week. No, it wasn’t being asked again about his decision to block a bill that would extend unemployment benefits. It was being asked again about the 1964 Phillies collapse." ((Janice Hough))

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      Two years ago this week, former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned. Luckily, we had a qualified backup to step right in, so everything is fine now. (David Letterman)

      The problem with current New York Gov. David Paterson is that he might have violated ethics laws. Isn’t that one of the qualifications to be governor? (David Letterman)

      The Internet claimed another victim when the Wisconsin Tourism Federation finally gave up its name and became the Tourism Federation of Wisconsin. Why? Because its cheese-loving members were tired of having to explain that WTF did not mean what everyone assumed it meant. (Paul Benoit)

      The Arizona State Department of Transportation has decided to close 13 of the state's highway rest stops. Hmmm, looks like the Straight Talk Express is gonna turn into the Bee Line. (Marc Ragovin)

      U.S. POLITICIANS

      Bill Clinton tops a list of former Presidents who people feel are best suited to handle today's crises. Clinton came in with 41% of the vote with George W. Bush getting 15%. In other words, Bush is still as popular today as when he left office. (Jim Barach)

      Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, "Heads" and "Tails." (Jay Leno)

      A lot of anticipation about the new book that George Bush is writing. But don't worry, it'll also be available in English. (David Letterman)

      Just four days after being arrested on a drunken driving charge while leaving a gay bar with a man, State Senator Roy Ashburn of California, who is married and one of these antigay guys — very antigay, votes against every gay thing — and now he is gay. He said he finally realized it last night, while watching the big dance number during the Oscars. (Jay Leno)

      Another thought on Ray Ashburn being a gay man and voting against gay rights? Maybe he was following the lead of Robert Ensign and Mark Sanford who both supported DOMA? (Defense of Marriage Act) (Janice Hough)

      Former Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York said that having sex with hookers is not nearly as bad as having an affair. Guys, let me tell you something. Don't try this excuse at home, O.K. Eliot Spitzer is a politician. He is a trained professional liar. You will get killed! (Jay Leno)

      Bill O'Reilly said on Good Morning America that "Sarah Palin needs to go to college, Political college, world affairs college" Hopefully a college that offers more that being able to see Russia from the quad. (Doug Austin)

      Karl Rove's book My Life as a Conservative came out on Monday about his career campaigning for Republicans. He started with Richard Nixon and he ended up with George W. Bush. He hopes St. Peter buys that progression as a sincere effort to improve. (Argus Hamilton)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      My accountant says I could get a huge tax break if I considered the show to be “church.” Well, some nights it does get very quiet here. (David Letterman)

      JP Morgan's chairman Jamie Dimon said the risk of California defaulting on its debt is bigger than the risk of Greece defaulting on its debt. He's wrong. The Greeks invented democracy and California invented fake breasts, which way would you bet? (Argus Hamilton)

      A poll says many Americans are against gambling on the Internet and betting on sports. Although most people say that either one of those options is still safer than investing in the company 401K. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The Toyota Prius is a hybrid — half gas engine, half runaway racehorse. (Jay Leno)

      It’s been a rough year for Toyota. They’ve launched a big PR campaign to assure customers that their cars are OK to drive, which is an important quality in a car. Toyota says they’re standing beside their vehicles —because that’s the only safe place to stand. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I saw a bumper sticker on a Prius today that said, “I’d like to brake for animals, I just can’t.” (Jay Leno)

      In San Diego, a man called the police when the accelerator on his Prius got stuck and made his car go 90 miles an hour. Luckily, the man was able to stop his car when he ran into another Toyota going in the opposite direction. (Jimmy Fallon)

      San Diego cops assisted a Prius driver who was stuck going a hundred miles an hour Monday. Californians love this car. Not only can you drive in the carpool lane by yourself in a Prius but you can go a hundred miles an hour with full immunity. (Argus Hamilton)

      Chevron will cut 2,000 jobs this year. Mostly affected will be the part time, seasonal worker. The guy who cleans the restrooms. (Alan Ray)

      General Motors announced last week they are closing the Hummer division. There is a mad scramble for Hummer's customer list. The male enhancement product company that gets that mailing list will rule the market for the next twenty years. (Argus Hamilton)

      Both G. M. and Ford posted better-than-expected sales results last month. Unofficial title of their sales campaign: "I love what you do for me, Toyota." (Janice Hough)

      A New Zealand mechanic has invented a vehicle that travels on land, sea, and in the air. Actually, he's not the first to possess such a mode of transportation. Millions drive Toyota. (Alan Ray)

      United Airlines says last month’s winter storms along the East Coast cost it $40 million in revenue. You know what that means – coming soon to your next airline ticket purchase – a “snow surcharge.” (Janice Hough)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A plastic surgeon butchered a breast augmentation on a woman in Staten Island and gave her 4 breasts. She now wants to sue the doctor and is asking for $5 million and two new hands for her husband. (Pedro Bartes)

      A man was caught masturbating under a blanket on a Southwest Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Denver. Passengers were all shocked. How did he get a blanket on the plane? (Pedro Bartes)

      In Kentucky, a woman who'd been arrested for public intoxication squirted her breast milk on a female deputy, which is a felony assault. She is not the first person to spend time in jail for pulling out a pair of 38's. (Jerry Perisho)

      SECURITY & TERRORISM

      A Pennsylvania woman has been arrested for trying to recruit terrorists over the internet. The appeal for the suicide bomber position was enticing to some. "Lots of time off.' (Alan Ray)

      SPACE

      President Obama is going to hold a major space conference to unveil an ambitious new plan for NASA. Obama called it "one small step for man, one giant distraction from health care, two wars, and the recession." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      At Obama's space conference, he plans to tell the world that he wants to put a man on Mars. The man he wants to put there — Joe Biden. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      EUROPE

      The Berlin Zoo may castrate a polar bear to keep him from mating with a female polar bear because she's his cousin. They said it threatens diversity. Leave it to Germans to determine the difference between white polar bears and white polar bears. (Argus Hamilton)

      HEALTH

      The U. S. says that "Drugged driving" is a growing threat on the nation's highways. As many as one of six cars on the road may have a driver under the influence of drugs. The most dangerous is when someone who has taken Viagra finds he suddenly can't turn the steering wheel. (Jim Barach)

      A new study says that women who drink moderate amounts of alcohol every day lose more weight than women that don’t drink at all. At least, that’s what your wife will slur to you after she forgets to pick up the kids from soccer practice. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      They’re recalling the cheeseburger-flavored Pringles because they might contain salmonella. Shouldn’t they be recalled because they’re cheeseburger-flavored Pringles? (David Letterman)

      THE ENVIRONMENT

      It was so windy tonight, Toyota drivers were able to stop by driving into the wind. (Jay Leno)

      SPORTS

      A study says that baseball players are getting fatter. It must be true, because McDonalds is planning to open stores between second and third base in every baseball field in America. (Pedro Bartes)

      Four minor league players have been suspended from baseball for steroids. How can a manager tell his starting pitcher is juicing? It could be his 95 mile per hour change up. (Alan Ray)

      The “Big Game” between Stanford and Cal-Berkeley has been changed this year from December 4, to November 20, because it conflicted with Stanford’s final exam schedule. Stanford football players said they were relieved. Cal players asked, “What are final exams?” (Janice Hough)

      South Africa says it will need one billion condoms as the world meets there for the World Cup soccer championship. A lot of them will go to waste; remember, you can't use your hands! (Jerry Perisho)

      The British government has donated $1.5 million worth of condoms to accomodate the expected 450,000 Brits who are expected to flock to South Africa, the world's HIV capital, for the upcoming World Cup soccer finals. Half are specially-designed "Hooligan Rubbers" that are made of extra heavy-duty latex and feature instructions printed on the side that read "CLOSED END ON FIRST." (Bob Mills)

      A Canadian reporter decided to follow up on the thrilling gold medal hockey game by calling random Americans and asking if they were now watching more NHL games. About 10 percent said, “Yes,” 10 percent said, “No,” and 80 percent said “What’s the NHL?” (Janice Hough)

      The Iditarod Sled Dog Race is underway in Alaska and for the first time in its history mushers are being tested for alcohol and drugs. Officials say so far no one has been been disqualified for performance enhancers, although word is three mushers have tested positive for Alpo. (RJ Currie)

      Six University of Oregon football players — including star quarterback Jeremiah Masoli and 1,500-yard runner LaMichael James — have been arrested and/or charged since Jan. 24. Or as it's suddenly known in police-lineup circles, getting all your Ducks in a row. (Dwight Perry)

      The Los Angeles Clippers fired general manager Mike Dunleavy after a seven-year stint. Asked to comment, Dunleavy said, "Wait, you mean I was general manager?" (Jerry Perisho)

      The San Francisco Giants have gotten off to a 7-1 start this spring. Unfortunately, these Cactus League games are meaningless. Sort of like the NBA regular season. (Janice Hough)

      ATHLETES

      Tiger Woods is reportedly planning a return to golf. It will be nice to see him getting back to what he does best, or at least second-best. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      RadarOnline is reporting that Elin Nordegren is moving back in with Tiger. And that makes the most sense — I mean, no one can live off just half of $600 million. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The big rumor is Tiger Woods is getting ready to return to golf. Tiger has hired Ari Fleischer, George Bush's former press secretary, to handle the press for him. I guess Ari Fleischer figures after years of trying to explain George W. Bush, this should be a piece of cake. (Jay Leno)

      Golf World said Bill Clinton gave Tiger Woods a phone call of encouragement on Friday. The former president certainly has some experience in this to share with him. The best guess is that forty-two days of rehab were just undone by one phone call. (Argus Hamilton)

      Tiger Woods' girlfriend from college wrote on golf.com that while they were dating at Stanford, the people at their favorite restaurant must have been golf fans because they always gave them free desserts. Maybe that's where Tiger developed his craving for cupcakes. (RJ Currie)

      Ben Roethlisberger was accused of sex assault by a college girl Saturday. He's being sued for rape in another incident. Next time he lunges across the goal line the announcer should think twice before saying that Ben Roethlisberger won't be denied. (Argus Hamilton)

      Pittsburgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger was accused by a Georgia college girl of sexually assaulting her in a bar. She told the police that he was out of control and wouldn't stop. He should have given the Prius to the valet when he had the chance. (Argus Hamilton)

      Julius Peppers signed a six-year, $40 million deal with the Chicago Bears. The Bears were said to be considering a one year deal, but decided to salt Peppers away for added seasons. (RJ Currie)

      New Jets defensive back Antonio Cromartie has seven children with six different women in five states. If he covers wide receivers like he covers the fertile women in America, the Jets are going to the Super Bowl! (Tim Hunter)

      University of Oregon star quarterback Jeremiah Masoli had a short stint in juvenile hall for his role in a series of robberies in high school when he was 17. Now he has been charged with burglary in Eugene. No wonder the guy has such a good 40 yard dash time – he’s needed it to avoid the cops. (Janice Hough)

      Yahoo! numbers show that Baylor's Brittney Griner made it into their top 25 searches two days after punching an opposing player in the face. She edged out Lisa Marie and Payton Manning by a nose. (RJ Currie)

      Adrian Belfry refuses to wear a protective cup despite a bad-hop grounder that inflicted major pain last season: "If the ball's going to hit me there every 11 ½ years, I'll take my chances." (Adrian Belfry)

      Ex-Browns quarterback Derek Anderson has apologized to Cleveland fans for derogatory things he said about them and blamed it on being upset at being released. It could have been worse; imagine how upset he would have been if the Browns had decided to keep him. (RJ Currie)

      Janet Guthrie, the first woman to qualify and compete in the Indianapolis 500, celebrated her 72nd birthday on Sunday. She's also the first person to put a 357-horse-power engine with an overhead cam on a Rascal scooter. ( Jerry Perisho)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney. (Jay Leno)

      With the Best Picture-winning film "The Hurt Locker" earning Kathryn Bigelow top director honors, Hollywood is describing this year's Academy Awards as "Ladies' Night." Actually, I think it was "Guy's Night." From now on 'chick films' will have to include explosions. (Frank King)

      It was a big night for "The Hurt Locker," which, of course, is a film about the war in Iraq. I guess that explains why Obama called the director and was like, "Uh, how did you end it?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      “The Hurt Locker” took in only $14 million at the box office. Which could mean that more people voted for the movie than actually saw it. In an effort to increase box-office receipts, there’s a rumor a sequel to the movie may feature some of the original cast along with Barbra Streisand and Robert De Niro – working title “The Hurt Fockers.” (Janice Hough)

      Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” came out today. Of course, one of the main characters is the Cheshire Cat, a shady character known for getting into trouble — or as we’d call that in New York, “the governor." (Jimmy Fallon)

      On “The Early Show” tomorrow morning, Harry Smith will receive the first live TV colonoscopy. The network hopes that the live colonoscopy will get good ratings, so to boost their chances, the procedure will be performed by the cast of “CSI.” (Craig Ferguson)

      The New York Daily News reports Howard Stern is organizing the Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant with a $100,000 first prize. Because Rachel Uchitel can't enter for legal reasons, her friends have reportedly asked whether a cardboard cutout of her can compete. The cardboard cutout of Rachel Uchitel is not to be confused with the false front of Joslyn James. (RJ Currie)

      The Miss America Pageant was dropped by the Learning Channel Monday. There's no worry. If they can just get the contestants to stop talking about achieving world peace and start talking about winning the War on Terror, Fox News will air the pageant. (Argus Hamilton)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Christoph Waltz won best supporting actor for his portrayal of a ruthless Nazi in Inglorious Basterds"; in fact, it was the most frightening and chilling portrayal of a Nazi since, well, Dick Cheney. (Alex Kaseberg)

      With Robert DeNiro playing Vince Lombardi in an ESPN film, you can bet the Packers had a dangerous taxi squad. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for Best Actress Sunday one day after she won the Razzie for Worst Actress in another movie. It's not new. Last year Toyota won Car of the Year from both Car and Driver magazine and the Personal Injury Attorneys Guild. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sarah Palin did the Tonight Show in Burbank last week and then pitched a reality show to ABC about her life in Alaska. The network turned it down. This is a nation raised on Rocky and Bullwinkle, we really don't want to see them in a pot on her stove. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sarah Palin is getting her own reality show. It’s called, “So You Think You Can See Russia.” (Craig Ferguson)

      Lindsay Lohan is suing E-trade for $100 million for running an ad that depicts a boyfriend-stealing "milkaholic" baby named Lindsay. Asked to comment, the babies just said, "Grow up." (Israel Carrasco)

      Lindsay Lohan sued E-Trade for using her image in its talking baby commercial with the milkaholic baby Lindsay. She's right. Child Protective Services showed up during the shoot after they got a report there was cocaine in the baby's dressing room. (Argus Hamilton)

      Betty White was named to host Saturday Night Live this year thanks to her hit Super Bowl ad. An eighty-eight-year-old woman now delivers the young male demographic. NBC just annnounced that in five years they are going to replace Jay Leno with Joan Rivers. (Argus Hamilton)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Ye Li, the 6-foot-2 wife of 7-6 Rockets center Yao Ming, is expecting the couple's first child this summer. Doctors predict the girl will be born July 22, 23 and 24. (Dwight Perry)

      US Airways pilot, Charles “Sully” Sullenberger, 59, has retired from US Airways. Apparently he wanted to spend more time with his grandchildren, instead of being directed by them from the control tower. (Janice Hough)

      Attorneys fees for the divorce case of Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt could reach $19 million, more than the team will spend on its starting infield this season. Or double that, if Jamie replaces her lawyer with Scott Boras. (Dwight Perry)

      Heidi Montag has fired her husband Spencer Pratt as her manager, and hired a psychic instead. Do you really need a psychic to tell you that you can’t dance, sing, or act? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE MEDIA

      Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago. (Craig Ferguson)

      Rush Limbaugh says if health care reform passes, he's going to leave the country and move to Costa Rica. Hey, you know what that means, right? That means one less overweight smoker the rest of us don't have to pay for. (Jay Leno)

      Uh, Rush, Costa Rica has a national medical care system (Ed Virginia)

      Radio host Rush Limbaugh says he will leave the United States if health care reform passes. Well, if that doesn't get the Democrats to rally, nothing will. (Jay Leno)

      Dan Rather told Chris Matthews Saturday that if the White House can't get health care passed, people will say President Obama couldn't sell watermelons on the roadside if a state trooper was stopping traffic for him. It offended many. The idea of cops pulling people over for no reason is still a sore subject in the black community. (Argus Hamilton)

      What do Fox News and pâté have in common? They're both popular with crackers" (Leo Weekly)

      EDUCATION

      The Texas School Board wrestled with history book content Monday with opposing panels battling over religious references. Some editing is necessary. The Garden of Eden was not in Austin and Joshua did not lead the Israelites to victory over Oklahoma. (Argus Hamilton)

      The FBI arrested two Southern Californians Tuesday for taking and passing college tests for young Middle Eastern men so they could keep their student visas. A middle-aged white guy and a blonde college girl posed as young Middle Eastern men in classes and nobody in L.A. questioned them. (Argus Hamilton)

      College professors are starting to ban laptop computers from the classroom. Professors feel that if crib notes are still good enough for Sarah Palin, then students shouldn't need high tech to cheat. (Jim Barach)

      More and more school districts are opting for a 4 day week. It's a cost saving measure for everyone. Students get to save on ammunition. (Alan Ray)

      Kansas City, Missouri is planning on closing nearly half its public schools because of money problems. Apparently lots of schools across the nation are in financial difficulty after they quit selling junk food and soda to their students. (Jim Barach)

      RELIGION

      One of the Pope's elite ushers, who is already in jail over a corruption probe, has been named in a gay prostitiution ring. Even though this guy is in custody it still may be a good idea to watch your back when bending over to kiss the Pope's ring. (Doug Austin)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      In most cultures around the world, old people are respected. Here, we honor them by taping them doing stupid things and putting it on Youtube. (Craig Ferguson)

      A conservative small town in Mississippi has cancelled their senior prom, rather than allow one student to attend with her same sex date. Which is a shame on many levels, because with the town’s anti-sex education stance, the girls would at least have meant one couple had no risk of a prom-night pregnancy. (Janice Hough)

      A dozen same-sex couples got married in the District of Columbia on the first day that same sex ceromonies were legally allowed. At the end of the marriage vows, the priest turned to the couples and said, "I now pronounce you fabulous." (Israel Carrasco)

      The Smithsonian on Monday rejected the suit that O.J. Simpson wore in court the day he was acquitted of murder. The museum won't hear of it. They're afraid that some night the suit will get jealous and attack a first lady's gown with Jim Bowie's knife. (Argus Hamilton)

      A new study from the University of Chicago found that, at age 55, men still have 15 years of sexual activity, while women only have 10. It was 10 years for men and 10 years for women until Larry King came along and screwed up the bell curve. (Jerry Perisho)

      OTHER

      The oldest person in America passed away today at the age of 114. She was only 98 when the Oscars started. (Craig Ferguson)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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