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Weakly Humerus News 02-20-10

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  • Stan
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-20-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Today may be a record for people catching a Tiger by his tale. (RJ Currie) This
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-20-10


      Today may be a record for people catching a Tiger by his tale. (RJ Currie)

      This weekend I'll be renting that flick about the Toyota mess: "Total Recall." (Neil Berliner)

      Congressmen should be just like athletes. They should have to wear the brand of the corporation they're working for. (Robin Williams)

      Lindsey Vonn, helped by a cheese treatment on her injured shin, won the gold in the Olympic women's downhill. Obviously a master of her Kraft. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Pres. Obama met with the Dalai Lama at the White House, Thursday. Obama said, "So, did you get your Noble Peace Prize for doing nothing, too?" They laughed and had Chinese. (Jerry Perisho)

      If two corporations can merge, does that mean same sex marriage is legal? Or would corporations NOT be able to merge unless they both reside in a state that allows same sex marriage? (anon.)

      Snowboarder Palmer Taylor says that getting on the Canadian Olympic team at only age 17 is definitely a dream come true. Would that be a halfpipe dream? (RJ Currie)

      American snowboarder Shaun White, who hit his head on the ice in the Winter X Games yet escaped with only an abrasion on his chin, is competing in the Olympics. He's listed as a healthy scratch. (RJ Currie)

      Just how overhyped is Danica Patrick? Apparently there are commentators who are referring to her Daytona NASCAR debut as a "smashing success.". (Janice Hough)

      The federal government was shut down today because of all the snow. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn't it? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama recently said that the carbon emissions saved by operating a nuclear power plant for a week is equivalent to taking 3.5 million cars off the road for a year. In response, a Toyota spokesman said "Hey, we do that by lunchtime." (Marc Ragovin)

      Michelle Obama said that childhood obesity impacts national security because obesity is a common disqualifier for military service. That's great info for moms. "Honey, you have two choices: you can eat that donut and play video games or you can eat this salad and go to Iraq.". (Jimmy Fallon)

      Prior to his affair with Vanessa Perroncel making headlines world-wide and causing his dismissal as captain of the English Football team, John Terry was named 2009 Dad of the Year by a company that makes condiments. When Paris Hilton heard this she said, "I hear Tiger never uses condiments." (RJ Currie)

      In curling, they get a 40 lb. granite stone and send it down the ice and then they sweep the debris from in front of it. It's all the fun of shuffleboard, plus household chores. (David Letterman)


      The Supreme Court today ruled in a five votes to four decision that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political campaigns. In other words, if Exxon or Dow wants to support a candidate, they can give him or her as much money as they want. I can't see that having any negative repercussions, can you? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Welcome to the Chevron 2012 Presidential Election sponsored by Monsanto and The Garden Weasel! (The Poorman)

      Today's Senate session brought to you by: Viagra -- Erecting a Memorial for Democracy! (anon)

      If you like what deregulated banking did to our economy, you'll love what deregulated election financing will do to our democracy. (Anon.)

      QUIZ: The Supreme Court held that restrictions in McCain-Feingold on how much money a corporation can spend to influence elections are unconstitutional because: a) a giant corporation is legally the same as "a natural person." b) giant corporations have feelings, too. c) corporations don't have enough influence on elected officials yet. Hint: there are one or two members of Congress still up for sale. (IronicTimes)

      We the Corporations of the United States of America, in Order to form a more perfect Market, establish Monopoly, insure domestic Efficiency, provide for the common defense of Property. (anon.)


      Here's something to really get excited about. The Winter Olympics: here we go. And, of course, earlier tonight, the opening ceremonies up there in Vancouver. I always enjoy the parade of nations that hate the U. S. Isn't it nice? (David Letterman)

      NBC's tape delayed Olympic coverage means really exciting viewing for U. S. sports fans who don't listen to radio, watch news, go to online sites during the day, or check their facebook accounts. Which means both of these fans are happy. (Janice Hough)

      The Opening Ceremonies at the Vancouver Winter Olympics went well besides no snow and they couldn't light the cauldron. Which is like saying your Toyota drives well except for the accelerator and the brakes. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Winter Olympics began Friday with a spectacular opening ceremony in Vancouver. It's been so unseasonably warm, the city's cherry blossoms are in bloom. It's just NBC's luck to be showing the Winter Games in the one place on earth where Al Gore's got an argument. (Argus Hamilton)

      While many Canadian celebrities appeared at the Olympic opening ceremony, a notable no-show was Celine Dion. Apparently the Canadian government thought it might be a violation of the Geneva Conventions. (Janice Hough)

      Olympic Champion skater Peggy Fleming was injured in Vice President Biden's motorcade crash. Ironically, the accident happened when the other driver hit a patch of ice while driving a double axle and smoking a Camel. (Jim Barach)

      U. S. figure skater Johnny Weir has been receiving death threats from some PETA members and other animal rights activists because his original costume featured fox fur. Now, I personally hate fur but I hope no one tells these activists that most of Weir's competitors will have their feet covered in leather. (Janice Hough)

      Since Johnny Weir took the fox fur off his costume, the men's figure skating finals were free from protests. Although looking at the outfits of the other skaters, one almost expected to see some demonstration from PETS – People for the Ethical Treatment of Sequins. (Janice Hough)

      Canada Post says they will commemorate Alexandre Bilodieu winning Canada's first ever gold medal on home soil with a special stamp. That seems appropriate. After watching him pound over those moguls, it's obvious Bilodeau can take a licking. (RJ Currie)

      A sure sign the Winter Olympics are being staged in the wrong place: There was snow in 49 U. S. states on Friday; all 50 if Michael Irvin was in Hawaii. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Watching the half pipe athletes playing with their phones before and after their runs: If they want to add both degrees of reality and difficulty, how long until the sport gives boarders extra points for texting DURING their runs? (Janice Hough)

      "Half pipe" might be a bit of a misnomer. Because it seems that if before you'd be brave and/or crazy enough to attempt the event, you'd have to smoke a full pipe. (Janice Hough)

      The Olympics continue. Despite being from different countries, all snowboarders share the same dream. To one day leave their jobs at Blockbuster. (Alan Ray)

      The latest Olympic glitch was NBC's broadcasting Shaun White's profanity filled conversation with his coach after White had been assured his first half pipe gold. Snowboarders use vulgar language? Next thing we'll hear is that some of them have been known to smoke a little something too. (Janice Hough)

      The US men's Olympic snowboard pants are designed to look like faded baggy jeans. After the Olympics, they will be available to the public and will be offered in different shades of blue including "Whoa, dude" azure, "Totally stoked" cobalt and "Way Gnarly" navy. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Freestyle skier Ashleigh McIvor was one of the athletes that showed Prince Charles and his wife Lady Camilla the Olympic village during their recent Canadian visit. McIvor said the Prince asked her questions and was easy to talk to. I'm thinking the Prince was all ears. (RJ Currie)

      There have been allegations of illegal German sleds at the Winter Olympics? It figures. Somebody had a bone to pick with the skeleton racers. (Dwight Perry)

      Julia Mancuso, who just won a silver medal in the downhill, reportedly announced she would be giving away thongs and boy shorts at the games to promote her lingerie line Kiss My Tiara. I imagine more than ski bums will want to get behind this undertaking. (RJ Currie)

      This just in: Olympic skier Julie Mancuso's Kiss My Tiara lingerie will now come with silver lining. (RJ Currie)

      Did you know that double-silver medal skier Julia Mancuso's father did prison time for running a $140 million marijuana ring? Being around that much pot, it's a miracle Julia did not turn out to be a criminal, or even worse, a snowboarder. (Alex Kaseberg)

      U. S. skier Lindsey Vonn, desperate to cure a sore shin in time to compete in the Winter Olympics, says she's tried everything — even an Austrian-cheese poultice. On the down side, they wrapped it so tight she tested positive for Cheese Whiz.

      U. S. skeleton team member Zach Lund was once suspended for using a banned hair-replacement product. The drug has since been allowed. He is now bald. (Chris Erskine)

      How is Olympic speedskating different from an N.B.A. game? The starting official is usually the only one in the arena with a gun. (Alan Ray)

      You have to like the Finnish Hockey Team's chances; they have an outstanding goal Kipper. (RJ Currie)

      At the Vancouver Winter Olympics, I loved the Biathlon, which combines cross-country skiing and shooting, or as they also call it: a Minnesota Drive-bye. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. They showed a lot of the biathlon, a combination of cross country skiing and shooting, which, to Sarah Palin, is called "commuting." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Many of the newer Winter Olympic sports like snowboarding started out as alternative extreme sports for disaffected youth. Does this mean that some year in the not too distant future we can expect the Summer Olympics to include beer pong? (Janice Hough)


      President Obama in Washington today met with the Dalai Lama, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. China considers the Dalai Lama a threat to their sovereignty and warned that if Obama met with him, it would damage U. S.-Chinese relations. They've even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama has announced that he's approving construction of two new nuclear reactors. And George W. Bush immediately stood up and screamed, "It's nucular!" (David Letterman)


      A man is suing Oklahoma because they won't let him get a license plate reading "I'M GAY". The state is willing to compromise and let him have one that reads "I LOVE GLEE". (Pedro Bartes)

      The annual running of the brides was held in Filene's Basement in New York. Women stampede through a store for a $429 wedding gown. How totally ridiculous. You'd think it was an Xbox. (Alan Ray)

      Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U. S. Except during baseball season when Chicago gets the nod. (Jim Barach)

      Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor is running for Governor of California. Apparently he thinks he can get elected by being even harder to understand than Governor Schwarzenegger. (Jim Barach)

      A judge has okayed the early release of 100 inmates in the Sacramento county jail... unfortunately, the 80 inmates in the California State Assembly are staying in Sacramento for the time being. (Jake Novak)


      Joe Biden went on CNN Wednesday and blamed the deepening recession on George W. Bush. That's the pattern. The White House wants to rename the San Andreas Fault after George W. Bush so that the next time there's an earthquake it'll be Bush's Fault. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former Vice President Dick Cheney was asked if he thought Sarah Palin was qualified to be president? His response "That never mattered with W." (Janice Hough)

      "Yesterday, there was a big feud between former Vice President Dick Cheney and current Vice President Joe Biden. Cheney is upset with Biden because Biden, when he moved in after they were elected, he closed down Cheney's dungeon in the White House. (David Letterman)

      I'm worried about Biden. Do you really want to get in a feud with a guy who shoots people? (David Letterman)

      Dick Cheney praised the President's Afghanistan policy, reinforcing the opinion of all those who figured it was wrong in the first place. (Will Durst)

      Bill Clinton underwent an emergency heart procedure after experiencing chest pains for several days. Apparently the palpitations started when he saw the unveiling of the cover of Sports Illustrated. (Pedro Bartes)

      Bill Clinton is said to be resting comfortably after his emergency heart procedure yesterday. Oh wait. He's just taken a turn for the nurse! (Tim Hunter)

      After undergoing heart surgery, Bill Clinton was back home with Hillary during a blizzard. Wasn’t that the plot line from “Misery”? ( Jim Barach)

      Hillary Clinton is asking her husband to start referring to his surgery last week as a angioplasty procedure... and stop bragging to friends that he got "a valve job". (Tim Hunter)

      The media is still talking Palin's palm–notes incident. Apparently it is confirmed it wasn't her handwriting, because if it was her those words should have been written with crayon. (Pedro Bartes)

      Sarah Palin celebrated her 46th birthday this week. Her family hung streamers from the walls of the igloo, which is not easy to do. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Dan Quayle's son, Ben, age 33, is running for a House seat in Arizona. He feels he has the expiriance to help clean up the lejislatire. (Janice Hough)

      Senator Evan Bayh has announced he will not seek re-election and said he no longer loves Congress. Wow — he just announces his retirement and already he's talking like the rest of us. (Bill Mihalic)

      So, bye-bye, Bayh. At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised to hear the Democratic donkey handed in its two-week notice. (Will Durst)

      Do you know there is a Congressional candidate from Missouri who is saying that allowing gays into the military could strengthen Al Qaeda? I'm thinking, how exactly would that work? "They dance better than me, and they know how to accessorize. I'm very, very angry. It's time for jihad." (Craig Ferguson)


      The Federal Reserve has raised the rate banks pay for emergency loans. The health care crisis means an emergency loan is what you take out to cover the cost of a visit to the Emergency Room. (Jim Barach)

      President Obama says the Stimulus Plan has saved or created 2.5 million jobs. That's 500,000 road repair jobs and 2 million jobs for people hired to tell everyone the Stimulus is working. (Jake Novak)


      Billy Tauzin, the former congressman, is resigning as the head of the drug lobby group. He’ll probably be replaced by a lesser-known, generic spokesperson who’ll do essentially the same thing that he did, but for less money. (Neil Berliner)

      Walgreens has agreed to buy Duane Reade. Actually, the deal would have gone through six months ago, but it's still waiting on line. (Sean M. Lee)

      EMI is selling its Abbey Road Studios where the Beatles made many of their records. To which anyone under 30 is asking "What's a record?" (Jim Barach)

      Today's Toyota recall is brought to you by Ford — "Ford. Where we cannot remember having such fun." (Technic Ally)

      The good news is Toyota President Akio Toyoda will come to Washington to directly answer questions from Congress about his company's massive problems. The better news is he's going to drive a Camry with a stuck gas pedal right up the steps of the House of Representatives. (Jake Novak)

      An airlines industry group says that airline crashes were down in 2009, although fatalities were up. Mostly from people freezing to death and dying of thirst because they didn't have the eight dollars to pay for a blanket or water. (Jim Barach)

      Wal-Mart says its 4th quarter profit rose 22%. The greeter at my local Wal-Mart store was so excited he almost woke up and greeted someone. (Jerry Perisho)


      The oldest death row inmate in the U. S. has died of natural causes at age 94. It's not clear if he remained in jail because he couldn't get parole or because he just wanted to keep getting the free cable and health insurance. (Jake Novak)


      The White House called the capture of the No. 2 military man in the Afghan Taliban a huge success. In US terms, it would be like the Democrats capturing the second most important person in the Republican Party, Todd Palin. (Jerry Perisho)

      The capture of the Afghan Taliban's No. 2 military leader is causing havoc with the insurgent forces. But, they have already found their replacement; Ellen DeGeneres. (Jerry Perisho)


      I'm not sure what this says about us, but two new polls just came out. One of them found out that 70 percent of Americans support gays and lesbians serving openly in the military. And another poll, by the same company at the same time, found that only 59 percent of Americans support homosexuals serving openly in the military. I guess it means that 11 percent of Americans don't know homosexuals are gay. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      As the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective. They announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. So if you're drug addict or a felon, you're not welcomed in the United States Army. The good news: There's always Congress, the NFL, and show business. (Jay Leno)


      Venezuela's Minister of Tourism says communism will help his country become the world's next tourist powerhouse; which is probably true, since there are already hundreds of Venezuelan tourists building their rafts with their eye on Miami. (Tulla Brendingulo)


      A man in the UK was banned from a public park after he tried to have sex with a tree. I don't know about you, but I think Al Gore has finally gone too far. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A Czech medical staff is being reprimanded for leaving a foot-long surgical instrument in the abdomen of a female patient. The woman said she's just happy to know what it's like to have something 12-inches inside her. (Jerry Perisho)


      Hillary Clinton says that Iran is becoming a military dictatorship. As opposed to the past 5,000 years when they were just a religious dictatorship. (Jim Barach)


      You know who is a crazy guy? That Kim Jong-il. North Korean dictator. He's 68 years old today. Happy birthday to Kim Jong-il. He celebrated quietly at the mansion with his twin girlfriends. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can't go wrong with another pair of ladies' sunglasses. (David Letterman)


      Scientists think that Egypt's most famous pharaoh, King Tut, died of complications from a broken leg. He thought magical waters would heal the break, so he never went to the doctor; you might say he was constantly in 'de Nile. (Jerry Perisho)

      A scientist with the U. S. Geological Survey announced that minerals known as "rare earth elements" are in short supply. Duh. (Bill Mihalic)


      Oregon's "pregnant man", Thomas Beatie, has given birth to a baby girl. Well, it's a girl for now. (Tim Hunter)

      A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke. (Alex Schubert)

      Antibacterial soap is great stuff; it not only kills the H1N1 virus, but it also forces Sarah Palin to think for herself. (Jerry Perisho)

      Men's Health magazine names Fresno the drunkest city; upon hearing this, Fresno residents raised their index fingers, looked at them and said, "We're number two." (Alex Kaseberg)

      A study says that babies who hear two languages regularly when they are in their mother's womb are more open to being bilingual. Damn! I live in LA so my baby only hears one… Spanish! (Pedro Bartes)


      Spring training started. And the Phillies, look out for the Phillies. They get this guy, Roy Halladay, the best pitcher in all of baseball. But listen to this, the Mets, very competitive. You know who they signed? They signed that guy who threw the shoes at President Bush. (David Letterman)

      The two most orchestrated events of the last week: 2) the Vancouver Olympics opening ceremony; 1) Tiger Woods apology. (RJ Currie)

      NBA Commissioner David Stern says the league will lose $400 Million this year. One solution is to see if Danica Patrick can dribble a basketball. (Jim Barack)

      Bobby Bowden said he didn't want to retire from Florida State, but he didn't want to be a "figurehead football coach." Besides, if he had been interested in a position like that he would have made more money with the Oakland Raiders. (Janice Hough)

      Sean Payton revealed he slept with the Lombardi Trophy after his Saints won the Super Bowl. Is that what you call a trophy wife? (Charlie Gay)

      The New Jersey Nets are building a new arena in Brooklyn. But they just announced that for the next two years they have reached an agreement to leave the Meadowlands and play in Newark. What, was Bakersfield not available? (Janice Hough)

      Dodger owner Frank McCourt is being accused of trying to hide some of his money from wife during their divorce battle. Of course, the best place to hide his money is right in the middle of Dodger Stadium sometime after the 7th inning... no one is around to see it then. (Jake Novak)

      The Washington Generals have a 13,140-game losing streak against the Harlem Globetrotters. Wonder how the Generals would do against the Nets? (Len Berman)

      In soccer news from England's Premier League, defenders for last-place Portsmouth put three goals into their own net in a 5-0 loss to Manchester United. So, along with certain relegation, the off-target losers have already clinched this year's Plaxico Burress Misfire Award. (Dwight Perry)

      A Scottish terrier named Sadie won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show, this year. She clinched it when she played "Danny Boy" on the bagpipes during the talent competition. (Jerry Perisho)

      Larry Ellison's BMW Oracle team won the America's Cup for the US over the Swiss boat Allinghi. "That's really exciting" said almost nobody. (Janice Hough)


      Tiger! Tiger! turns contrite, for those forays of the night. (RJ Currie)

      Tiger Woods is scheduled to hold his first news conference in three months on Friday at P. G.A. headquarters. Just like after a P. G.A. tournament, Tiger will be expected to verify his scorecard. (Paul Seaburn)

      Tiger Woods apologized to Elin because he was unfaithful, to his fans because he let them down, and to Phil Mickelson because he plans to return to golf. (RJ Currie)

      Racing superstar Danica Patrick crashed in her NASCAR debut on Saturday. It's difficult racing in NASCAR when every guy on the track wants to rear-end you. (Jerry Perisho)

      Sebastian Janikowski apparently will get a $16 million, four-year contract from the Oakland Raiders, which will be the highest for a kicker in NFL history. It's an especially nice deal because with JaMarcus Russell at QB, Janikowski won't have to kick a lot of extra points. (Janice Hough)

      Florida Gator fans took some heat for comparing Tim Tebow to God. There's a similar situation now in New Orleans, except they're comparing God to Drew Brees. (Janice Hough)


      The Fox show "24″ shut down production temporarily when Kiefer Sutherland had surgery for a ruptured cyst near his kidney. The operation took place between 2 p. m. and 3 p. m. (Janice Hough)

      Olivia Newton-John's hit song "Physical" has been voted the sexiest song ever by the music publication Billboard. Meanwhile, watching Richard Simmons exercise to "Physical" has been voted the least sexy video ever. (Jerry Perisho)


      The 'Wolfman' movie opened today. It's about a guy who is half-human, half-beast, and it has a pretty happy ending. In the end, he's elected governor of California. (David Letterman)


      Film director Kevin Smith was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight from Oakland to Los Angeles because he is overweight. He is now pitching a new movie where "Airplane" meets "Supersize Me". (Jim Barach)

      Brooklyn Decker appears topless on the cover of the new SI swimsuit edition while her husband, tennis ace Andy Roddick, has never made the cover, except for one small inset. In this match, Andy may have the game, but it appears Brooklyn has the set. (RJ Currie)

      Joe the Plumber said John McCain "screwed up his life." Yours? Everybody's! Especially when he came up with Sarah Palin as his running mate! (Pedro Bartes)

      Heidi Klum's husband, singer/songwriter Seal, celebrates his 47th birthday today. He'll enjoy this favorite; mackerel birthday cake with anchovy sauce drizzled over the top. He'll blow out the candles and then play a tune on three little horns. (Jerry Perisho)

      In Valentine's Day news, Kyle Boller, backup QB for the 1-15 Rams, is set to marry Miss USA runner-up Carrie Prejean. If a bridesmaid catches the bouquet, Prejean will have a higher passer-efficiency rating than her husband. (Brad Dickson)

      Carrie Prejean is complaining again about losing her Miss California title, saying the pageant people WANTED her to pose for Playboy. Is that really likely? Now she COULD have been encouraged to do so by the Republican party in preparation for a future Senate run in Massachusetts. (Janice Hough)

      Reality TV star Tila Tequila and NFL linebacker Shawne Merriman have settled their lawsuits and counter-suits out of court. Dating briefly, one of them is muscular, tattooed and raunchy; the other one is Shawne Merriman. (Jerry Perisho)

      Fred Morrison, the inventor of the Frisbee, has died. The body will lie in state on the roof of Mr. Morrison's neighbor's garage. (Jonathan Harwell)

      Vanessa Perroncel, mistress to English football captain John Terry and ex-girlfriend of his former team-mate Wayne Bridge, reportedly has slept with at least five other Chelsea footballers. Talk about a team player! (RJ Currie)

      Mystery writer Dick Francis died at the age of 89. The funeral has been scheduled for an obvious place, but at the last minute it will be changed to a surprising new time and location. (Janice Hough)


      A Utah state senator is proposing to make the 12th grade optional. Who says Utah isn't in step with the rest of the NBA? (Bill Littlejohn)

      A University of North Texas professor teaches a class on love called Romantic Relationships. This is the only college class where passing notes during tests is allowed. (Paul Seaburn)

      A school district in Pennsylvania used web cams in school-issued laptop computers to spy on students at home. They caught high schoolers doing strange and unusual things like eating vegetables, cleaning their rooms, and going to bed before 10pm. (Jerry Perisho)


      Everybody celebrates Valentine's Day, whether you want to or not. Even President Barack Obama. The Republicans got together and bought him some candies for Valentine's Day that say, "YOU LIE" and "NOT TRUE." (David Letterman)

      It's Presidents' Day, ladies and gentlemen. Three-day weekend for most people. Remember President George Bush? Every weekend was a three-day weekend for him. (David Letterman)

      Monday was President's Day, a day that we celebrate America's presidential history by enjoying a great deal on mattresses. (Craig Ferguson)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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