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Weakly Humerus News 02-13-10

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  • Stan
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-13-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK The Saints won 31-17 over the weekend, and there was a huge snowstorm in
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 13, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-13-10


      The Saints won 31-17 over the weekend, and there was a huge snowstorm in Washington with over two feet of snow. So it's true what people say, that the Saints would win when hell freezes over. (Jay Leno)

      I did some gambling this Super Bowl. I went to a tailgate party in a Toyota. (David Letterman)

      Experts are predicting there will be a small baby boom nine months after the recent snow storms. I guess people realized they need more kids to help shovel. (Bill Mihalic)

      The Chinese New Year falls on Valentine’s and it is the year of the Tiger. Even the gods of irony aren’t giving Tiger Woods a break. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Sarah Palin said she might run for President in 2012. But first she has to decide on a few things. Like, if elected, who she will want as her replacement when she resigns in 2015. (Janice Hough)

      Peyton Manning looked like a Hall of Fame quarterback in the fourth quarter tonight. Unfortunately for the Colts, it was Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

      Japan has invented a machine that you put 40 sheets of regular paper into and it converts them into rolls of toilet paper. It’s actual paper that you can use as toilet paper. Or, as we call it here, “an NBC contract.” (Jay Leno)

      The Toyota dealers in Los Angeles still believe in what they sell. If you ask them if they'll stand behind their cars, they all say YES! Now, if you ask them if they'll stand in front of those same cars, well, then that's an entire new ball game to watch. (Jerry W.)

      A 4.3 earthquake shook Chicago. Pat Robertson did not attribute it to God’s wrath. He’s already given them the Cubs. (Alan Ray)

      I came out here tonight with the jokes written on my hand. I got the idea from Sarah Palin. (David Letterman)


      Huge snowstorms back East. Even people without Toyotas are having trouble stopping. (Jay Leno)

      In an apparent answer to prayer, Washington has been buried in a snowstorm, paralyzing the US government and giving the economy its best chance for recovery to date. (John Duns)

      Hey, be glad you're not back East. Huge snowstorms. It was so cold, Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn't want to take her gloves off to read. (Jay Leno)

      It snowed in Texas today. Former President Bush threw a snowball at Laura and now he’s grounded for two weeks. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The big snowstorm continues back on the east coast. They say that some of the snow is piled so high, it can actually stop a Toyota! (Tim Hunter)

      The bad news is: Washington D.C. is totally shut down. And the good news is: Washington D.C. is totally shut down. (David Letterman)

      Bipartisan joke. The current government showdown in Washington DC is costing over $100 million a day. On a brighter note, it’s less money than Congress wastes on an average day. (Janice Hough)

      It was so cold, Nancy Pelosi had to sit in her driveway for 10 minutes defrosting her eyeballs. (Jay Leno)

      It was so cold, Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn’t want to take her gloves off to read. (Jay Leno)

      Hey, be glad you’re not back East. Huge snowstorms. I don’t think Washington has seen a snow job like this since that last stimulus package. (Jay Leno)

      The federal government is still shut down but the good news for Washington D.C. is: no homicides for eight days. But there have been a number of drive-by snowballings. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The entire East Coast is covered with snow banks and snow drifts, or as Toyota drivers call them “cushions.” (Jimmy Fallon)

      I’ll tell you, you woke up this morning, and New York, a tremendous sight. I mean, it was whiter than a Tea Party ra()()(David Letterman)

      The second big snowstorm in less than a week has paralysed cities in the North-Eastern U. S., virtually closing down government offices for the third consecutive day, bringing record cold temperatures that froze everything in sight. One report, as yet unconfirmed, stated that Sen. Mitch McConnell got his tongue stuck on Nancy Pelosi. (Bob Mills)

      The East Coast is covered in snow. Congressmen in Washington D.C. are using the opportunity to spend some quality time with their mistresses. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The wind here is so bad it blew Jay Leno right out of prime time. (Craig Ferguson)

      I was reading that a man in Colorado was rescued after his SUV got stuck in the snow for three days. Toyota drivers were like, "At least your SUV stopped.” (Jimmy Fallon)

      The second major snowstorm in less than a week hit the east coast on Tuesday. It was so cold in Washington, DC the shrinkage that troubled Sen. Scott Brown had nothing to do with the federal budget. (Jerry Perisho)

      It was so cold that the new senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown, was actually wearing pants. (David Letterman)

      There’s supposed to be so much snow in New York, people might even get stranded at work, which means Gov. Paterson gets at least one more day in office. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The bad news is the number of homes in foreclosure has jumped 15% from last year. The good news is if you lose your home, it's someone else's job to shovel the damn driveway. (Jake Novak)

      The federal government was shut down today, and they estimate it cost about $100 million in lost productivity. The House is literally stuck in the House, and they can't do anything. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn't it? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In L.A., there is thunder, lightning, and hail. It’s like Mother Nature knows it’s sweeps week. (Craig Ferguson)

      The Weather Channel reported Thursday that last week's ice storms in the South knocked out electricity in some areas for a week. Oklahoma has a firewood shortage because the trees are all frozen. People are staying warm by burning Al Gore's books. (Argus Hamilton)

      Due to the snowstorm, our nation's capital has been shut down; it's so bad even the lobbyists can't get their bribes to the lawmakers. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Due to record snow in DC, all non-essential government employees were told to stay home. So Congress gets another day off. (Will Durst)

      There’s so much snow that Washington D.C. came to the biggest standstill since Democrats got the supermajority. (David Letterman)

      With all this snow, President Obama told all nonessential White House employees they didn’t have to come in to work. Actually, just Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

      Due to the snowstorm, our nation's capital has been shut down; right now there is no work going on in Washington D. C., no effective laws are being passed, there is virtually no return being generated on the taxpayer's dollars, in other words, it's pretty much business as normal. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Washington D. C. got a record thirty inches of snowfall Saturday as a huge winter blizzard hit the East. Nothing got done. Everybody was ordered to stay home until Homeland Security had tested all the white powder to see if it was cocaine or anthrax. (Argus Hamilton)

      Washington D.C. completely ground to a halt because of the huge blizzard. No activity, no signs of life, but really, how could you tell the difference? (David Letterman)

      Our nation's capital has been effectively shut down for four days, and a new winter storm may continue that paralysis into next weekend. Guess this means in future maybe we should be on the lookout for terrorists with snow making machines? (janice Hough)

      Airports all over the East Coast are facing flight cancellations. In fact, under each departure time, it says, "Are you freaking kidding me?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Los Angeles ordered hillside homeowners to evacuate Tuesday as another wave of rainstorms approached. Disaster looms. All week the U.S. Olympic ski team has been in Los Angeles practicing for the downhill by standing on tract houses in the canyons. (Argus Hamilton)

      There’s been some rough weather on the East Coast. The snowstorm left more than 300,000 people without power. Those people included many in Pennsylvania, Washington D.C. and Peyton Manning. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Some conservative preachers and pundits like to say that natural disasters are God’s punishment for some sort of misbehavior. Think three feet of snow in Washington D.C. might be a sign that Congress should have passed healthcare reform? (Janice Hough)


      A Toyota executive said that U.S.dealers were repairing 50,000 cars a day and that the gas pedal fix would “last a lifetime.” Does this really need a punchline? (Janice Hough)

      Toyota has recalled 300,000 of the Prius Hybrids. The engineers realized there was a problem when Prius drivers weren’t able to stop — talking about how great the Prius is. (Craig Ferguson)

      Critics of the auto industry are saying that Toyota knew about the brake problems for years, and are asking why they dragged their feet. Well, because they were trying to stop the car. (David Letterman)

      Toyota Slogan: “Drive a Toyota. You’ll Never Stop.” (Andy Borowitz)

      What the president said [about Las Vegas] was, if you want to gamble, drive a Toyota. (Jay Leno)

      Toyota Slogan: “Toyota Puts the Pedal to the Metal. And Keeps it There.” (Andy Borowitz)

      It’s always good to be optimistic and look for a silver lining in a situation. For example, think of all those people who have been complaining about being on a waitlist to buy a Prius. (Janice Hough)

      Toyota Slogan: “Toyota. The Last Car You’ll Ever Drive.” (Andy Borowitz)

      Toyota is the only car in America that uses its air bag as a braking system. (Jerry Perisho)

      According to CNN, Toyota has known about this brake problem in its Prius cars for some time, but didn’t mention it to people who bought them. What?! Car salesmen lying? I am stunned! (Jay Leno)

      Yeah, Toyota has had a rough month. But President Obama predicted that they will bounce back from the crisis. Didn’t he say the same thing about Tiger Woods? (Jimmy Fallon)


      Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints for winning the Super Bowl. That's the best thing to happen to New Orleans since George Bush left office. (Jay Leno)

      If you want to know why the Colts' loss was the fault of the Bush Administration, tune in to Keith Olbermann's show on MSNBC tonight. If you want to know why the Colts' loss was the fault of the Obama Administration, tune in to Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox News tonight. (Jack Finarelli)

      New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees tied a record by making 32 successful passes, Sunday. It was a record previously held by Tiger Woods. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Super Bowl is the most watched program in history, which is not good news if you’re a member of the Indianapolis Colts. (Craig Ferguson)

      The Super Bowl is the most watched event on TV. It’s nice that Americans can all agree on sitting down and watching two groups of huge men beat each other up.

      The Saints' Super Bowl win may be good news for Wall Street. When an NFC team wins, the stock market averages going up 15% for the year. When the AFC wins it goes down. If the Detroit Lions were to ever win, it would signal the Apocalypse. (Jim Barach)

      The commercials coming up on this show will not be as good as those on the Super Bowl, because the commercials are a reflection of who is watching the show. So enjoy the ads for hemorrhoid creams. (Craig Ferguson)

      Jay Leno reportedly wore a disguise to sneak into CBS studios to shoot a Super Bowl promotional ad with David Letterman and Oprah Winfrey. The worst part is, he disguised himself as Conan O'Brien. (Jim Barach)

      The Super Bowl is a day that Americans celebrate the physical accomplishments of world class athletes by dipping fried chicken in Ranch dressing. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama had a Super Bowl party. A lot of the Republicans attended, and I thought, “Now they care about New Orleans.” (David Letterman)

      The victory parade for the Super Bowl champion Saints took place Tuesday in New Orleans. The FEMA float will arrive some time after Labor Day. (Jerry Perisho)

      Did everybody watch the Super Bowl? Everybody’s happy for New Orleans. In fact, FEMA announced plans to congratulate them in about two weeks. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints. They defeated my Indianapolis Colts. So all I can say is, “Don’t worry, Indianapolis, FEMA is on the way.” (David Letterman)

      They’ve got the Super Bowl fever this week and then, next week is Mardi Gras. So for the next month, New Orleans will be in a wild, uncontrollable bender. They’re changing the city mascot to Mel Gibson. (Craig Ferguson)

      The Super Bowl halftime entertainment in Miami Sunday will feature the legendary rock 'n' roll group The Who. This group has been around for a long, long time. They performed a concert at the Dinosaur National Monument in Utah when it still was a zoo." (Argus Hamilton)

      Did you see the Bridgestone Halftime Show featuring The Who? At The Who’s ages, shouldn't that have been the KIDNEY-STONE Halftime Show? (Frank King)

      The Who performed at the half time show of the game yesterday. This Super Bowl was a great opportunity for the band to be seen by millions of fans, and also to check some good nursing homes in Florida. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Who performed the half time show at the Super Bowl. Even Brett Favre was asking how long they were going to keep playing. (Jim Barach)

      That was either The Who playing at halftime or it was the world longest Flomax commercial. (Jerry Perisho)

      Some say God was behind the New Orleans Saints’ Super Bowl win after 42 years of futility. Which lends hope to fans in Toronto, as it’s also been 42 years since the Maple Leafs won a Stanley Cup. God, however, issued a statement, “Above my pay grade.” (Janice Hough)

      People still talking about the Super Bowl. It was the most watched TV program of all time. The second most-watched event was the episode of “Dallas” where J.R. gets shot in the face by Dick Cheney. (David Letterman)

      You could tell the Saints fans, because every few feet they would shout "Who dat." This is a system — similar to the sonar system used by bats — that enables Saints fans to identify each other by sound when they are too happy to see. (Dave Barry)

      I never wear my Super Bowl rings. They're way too big. You can't put your hand in your pocket when you have it on. (John Elway)

      Kanye West: Yo Drew, I’m really happy you won the Super Bowl and Imma let you finish, but Katrina was the most noteworthy Brees to come through New Orleans of all time! Of all time! (Alex Schubert)

      Asked what the hardest part of secretly filming that Super Bowl commercial with Winfrey and Leno was, Letterman reportedly responded, “Getting the chips away from Oprah.” (Charles Almon)


      Sarah Palin’s birthday is today. She remembered it by writing it on her hand. She blew out the candles on her cake — well, not all of them. She blew out half of them and then quit. (Craig Ferguson)

      Happy birthday to Sarah Palin. John McCain did something very nice. He bought her a Toyota. (David Letterman)

      Sarah Palin celebrated her 46th birthday today. Her family hung streamers from the walls of the igloo, which is not easy to do. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin had notes written on her hand for her speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Her palm must have been all sweaty because I couldn’t understand a word of what she was saying. (Jerry Perisho)

      Sarah Palin, at the tea party convention, mocked president Obama for using a teleprompter and then someone noticed that she had notes written on her hand. Writing stuff on your hand isn’t always good, it’s actually how President Bush invaded Iraq instead of Iran. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin had notes written on her hand for her speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Her palm must have been all sweaty because I couldn't understand a word of what she was saying. (Pedro Bartes)

      On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the tea party convention in Tennessee. Oddly enough, she was reading, “Hi . . . I’m Sarah . . . Palin.” (Jimmy Fallon)

      Palin called on President Obama to fire Rahm Emanuel after he used the word “retard,” but when Rush Limbaugh said the same thing, she said that was OK. Unfortunately, she’s been unable to respond to the criticism because she’s wearing mittens. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      “Urban Dictionary” has already defined the crib notes written on Sarah Palin’s hand as a Redneck Teleprompter. I guess that’s better than a White Trash Text Message. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Celebrity birthday. Happy birthday to Sarah Palin, who is 46 years old today. And you know, Sarah Palin, when she goes on a public speaking event, writes notes on her hand. Here’s what she has on her hand today for her birthday. Let’s check in on this, O.K., “blow out candles,” “eat cake,” and “clean rifle" (David Letterman)

      And let me tell you something. You have not been to a birthday party until you’ve seen Sarah Palin blow out 46 candles with an assault rifle. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      For the second time since he became president, Barack Obama slammed Las Vegas by saying, “You don’t blow a bunch of cash in Vegas.” The way the government is spending, I’d rather take the odds in Vegas. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be “a good place to start.” Hey, you know where else would be a good place to start? A year ago. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama was busy holding two fundraisers in D.C. last night. During one of his speeches, Obama told the crowd, “We can’t be afraid of the future.” Most Americans agree with him, mainly because they’re so busy being afraid of the present. (Jimmy Fallon)

      And Biden was like, "What about clowns? Can we be afraid of clowns?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      The “Obama Store” in Washington D.C. is closing. That’s where they sell T-shirts, hats, and calendars with Obama's face on them. You can tell they’re Obama calendars, because they only go up to 2012. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama offered to forgive your college loans if you work in public service. There's more. Next he's going to forgive your car loan if you a run over a tea party demonstrator, and they'll even tell the police it was the gas pedal's fault. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C. The concept was put to the ultimate test when someone suggested they pray for the health-care bill and the New Jersey Nets (Dwight Perry)

      President Obama is inviting some Republicans to his Super Bowl party: That should be interesting; they'll need a two-thirds vote before they can pass the Doritos. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Joe Biden was interviewed on Larry King last night and said some of Sarah Palin’s recent comments “are just too far out there,” he doesn’t “know where they come from.” Biden was like, "Who the heck is she, me?” (Jimmy Fallon)


      Just hours after a bipartisan jobs bill was unveiled in Washington, Thursday, Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid killed it. Harry Reid did for jobs creation what Toyota has done for highway safety. (Jerry Perisho)


      There are rumors swirling that The New York Times is planning a “bombshell story” about Governor David Paterson that could ruin his election chances. Paterson couldn't believe it — he was like, "I still have election chances?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through. (Craig Ferguson)

      New Jersey man was indicted for shooting his parrot because it was squawking too loudly during a NASCAR race on TV. Listen up, New Jersey, if you want us to stop making jokes about you, you have to stop doing stuff like this. (Alex Kaseberg)


      The first ever tea party convention is going on right now in Nashville. The tea partyers are a group of Americans who think the government is too big, and also like to party and have tea. Their featured speaker is Sarah Palin. They say she’s getting a $100,000 to be there: $98,000 for wardrobe, $2,000 to speak. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      If it had been Scott Brown that was speaking to the Tea Party Group, and they paid him those hundreds of thousands of dollars in payment for his time, try to imagine how long that payment would have taken to complete. After all, you have to figure that with one dollar bill at a time being tucked into his jock strap. (Jerry W.)


      The John Edwards sex tape is so wild at one point his hair even moves. (Alex Kaseberg)

      John Edwards is reportedly engaged to baby mama Rielle Hunter. In his vows, he’ll promise to be faithful ‘til the end. Of the week. (Alan Ray)

      Former Pres. Bill Clinton had two stints placed in an artery of his heart after suffering from chest pains. Clinton is recovering nicely, but nurses at New York All Male Medical Center report he’s a bit grouchy. (Jerry Perisho)

      Gov. David Paterson of New York, who is legally blind, is denying rumors of having an affair by saying he’s not seeing another woman. (Craig Ferguson)


      Armani released previews of its Christiano Ronaldo underwear ads last week, and this week Calvin Klein released previews of its underwear ads with tennis star Fernando Verdasco and Japanese soccer player Hidetoshi Nakata. Those are today's sports briefs. (RJ Currie)

      American Airlines could face a $10 million fine for safety violations. It’s a pretty big deal. In fact, Toyota’s calling it “the mechanical failure story of the year that people should focus on.” (Jimmy Fallon)

      A new study found that the Reebok Classic is the most popular shoe worn by burglars. The second most popular shoe worn by burglars: yours. (Jimmy Fallon)

      And how about the commercials for Dockers? Where the guys in their underwear were singing, “I’m wearing no pants.” I thought that was a new John Edwards for president campaign. (Jay Leno)


      Dr. Conrad Murray was charged today with the death of Michael Jackson and he is headed to jail. He could lose his license. That's healthcare reform right there. (Jay Leno)

      Two students at James Madison University in Virginia who pelted a snow plow and police car during a snow storm have been charged with felony snowball throwing. Felony snowball throwing? Those are going to be some tough charges to explain to the other inmates as to why they are in prison. (Jim Barach)


      U.S border agents arrested a woman in Texas after they found 31 pounds of marijuana hidden in three framed pictures of Jesus. The agents became suspicious when they noticed other pictures captioned “The Virgin Mary Jane.” (Janice Hough)

      There’s a new tape from Osama bin Laden. This time, he’s blaming the United States for global warming. Sounds to me like someone’s looking for a Nobel Prize. He’s very ecologically minded. Last year, it was documented by the CIA that bin Laden switched to a hybrid camel. (David Letterman)

      Custom officials at the U.S-Mexico border found 30 lbs. of marijuana inside framed pictures of Jesus Christ. This is a unique bust. It adds new meaning to the term “holy rollers”. (Alan Ray)


      So President Obama is dropping the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy for the military, and is now going to apply it to his budget. (Marc Ragovin)

      Did you know that military pilots flying drone aircraft by remote control 7,500 miles away from the planes are still required to wear their flight suits? It was an order that came down from the top during the George W. Bush administration from another guy who was always wearing a flight suit for no reason. (Frank King)


      The European Union has agreed to bail out the nearly-bankrupt of Greece. In return, Greece is supplying the rest of Europe with low-cost gyros and cheeseburger deluxes for the rest of the year. (Jake Novak)

      London will soon open its first specialized outdoor playground designed solely for aging baby-boomers. It’s just like a kid’s playground, except the drug dealers sell Lipitor. (Jerry Perisho)


      The president of Iran said today that they are enriching uranium, but not for nuclear weapons. Well, that’s good enough for me. (David Letterman)

      The Iranian government announced that they are going to start their own national e-mail service as a way to build trust with the people. Because if there’s anyone you can trust with your e-mail, it’s the Iranian government. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      China and the United States have been locked in a series of trade disputes. President Obama said this week that China is putting the U.S. at a disadvantage. Of course U.S. exports are at a disadvantage, they're all made in China. (Jay Leno)

      Today is the 31st anniversary of the Islamic revolution in Iran. President Mahmoud Amembersonlyjacket celebrated by declaring that Iran is now a nuclear state. So that’s good news. Mazel tov to them. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama also said that the key to competing with China is to improve our math and science education. Because right now, our GDP is about $13 trillion and China’s is $3 trillion, which means we’re still ahead by . . . trillion. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Iran’s telecommunications agency announced a permanent suspension this week of all Google Gmail service. From now on, if you want to reach anyone in Iran, you have to use Faceburqa. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Scientists in Australia announced that within five years they will be able to successfully carry out a pig-to-human lung transplant. People could be part human, part pig. We have that already, I think it’s called John Edwards. (Jay Leno)

      Scientists in Italy have developed a strain of chocolate-craving mice that love chocolate so much, they will tolerate electric shocks to pursue the food. They’re called female mice. (Paul Seaburn)

      A study says that vegetative brains show a glimmer of awareness. That means there is still some hope for Congress. (Jim Barach)


      A recent study found that 1,169 people who ate 50 grams of chocolate once a week were 46 percent less likely to die following a stroke than people who didn’t eat chocolate. A related story found similar results for men who did and didn’t remember to give their wives chocolate. (Janice Hough)

      A study says that chocolate may lower the risk of stroke. That's because giving a box to your wife once in awhile is a good way to keep the stress level down. (Jim Barach)

      First lady Michelle Obama just launched a campaign to combat childhood obesity called “Let’s Move.” And this evening, obese children started their own program called “Let’s Not.” (Jimmy Fallon)

      Michelle Obama said that childhood obesity impacts national security because obesity is a common disqualifier for military service. That's great info for moms. "Honey, you have two choices: you can eat that donut and play video games or you can eat this salad and go to Iraq." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A study says that children who are obese are more likely to die before they reach 55. That would certainly be helpful to know that far in advance that you don't have to make any plans for retirement. (Jim Barach)

      Medical experts have learned that being bored can mean that you are more likely to die early. The study took 28 years; the researchers kept suddenly dying off. (Jerry Perisho)

      A study says that boredom can kill people. Boredom can reportedly lead to harmful behavior. So take some solace in the fact that the civil service worker who ignored you for several minutes while you waited in line is not long for this world (Jim Barach)

      A research suggests that high altitudes suppress appetite. I disagree; every time I get high, I tend to eat a lot. (Jerry Perisho)


      NBA star Greg Oden apologized this week for nude photos of him taken a year and a half ago that have appeared on the web. I'm still wondering what he meant when he said he's "grown since then." (RJ Currie)

      Over the next two weeks, we’re going to have the Winter Olympics here on NBC. They are doing something this year that is going to add a little more excitement. All the bobsleds are made by Toyota. (Jay Leno)

      Vancouver, B.C., picked a bad time to have its warmest winter since 1937, so now organizers are having to truck in snow to stage this month's five-ring circus. Is it too late to move the Winter Olympics to, say, Washington, D.C.? (Dwight Perry)

      The estimated cost of staging the Winter Olympics in British Columbia has ballooned nearly tenfold, from the original $600 million to $6 billion. Apparently the plan was to conduct the entirety of the competition using only the Nintendo Wii. Somebody probably should have Googled "Olympics" and "Montreal." (Bruce Arthur)

      Strollers, Frisbees, umbrellas and flags from non-participating countries are banned from Winter Olympic venues. Spectators are, however, being asked to bring snow. (Eric Francis)

      lNBC's latest brainstorm to spice up its Winter Olympics ratings: All the bobsleds are made by Toyota. (Jay Leno)

      The Daytona 500 is this Sunday. I'm betting on the driver in the Toyota with a stuck accelerator pedal. (Jake Novak)

      USC's Lane Kiffin just offered a scholarship to a 13-year-old quarterback, making him the first college coach to ever close a deal at a Chuck E. Cheese's. (Dwight Perry)

      New USC coach Lane Kiffin has received a commitment from a 13-year-old, seventh-grade quarterback in Delaware. NCAA investigators already are looking into reports that the kid has been spotted riding a new bicycle." (David Thomas)

      13 year old football player who has committed to play at USC starting in 2015. He says the hardest part is waiting until he is 16 to get a license to drive his new Mercedes Benz convertible. (Jim Barach)

      But I am trying to be fair to the Trojans. Really, they don’t give all their players Mercedes Benz convertibles. These days it’s all about SUVs. (Janice Hough)

      USC Head Coach Lane Kiffin has caused a huge controversy by giving a football scholarship to a 7th grader. But since this is USC, the kid has been eligible for an academic scholarship since he was in 5th grade. (Jake Novak)

      The University of Southern California is recruiting a 13-year-old quarterback from Delaware. Right now, he has passed the same number of college courses as 2/3 of the USC offensive line. (Jerry Perisho)

      Rick Pitino says that there's no truth to the report that he was interested in coaching the Nets. However, he said, if they put an offer on the table... (Bill Littlejohn)

      The NBA All Star game is Sunday in Dallas. This is the event where huge numbers are always put up. And that’s just at the cash register. (Alan Ray)

      The Brewers plan to unveil a 7-foot statue of commissioner Bud Selig outside Miller Park on Aug. 24. Pigeons and catchers report Aug. 23. (Dwight Perry)


      Critics claim we comedians have overdone the Tiger Woods jokes. Really? A famous married guy sleeps with over 19 women including hookers and cocktail waitresses, and plays a sport where they regularly use words like shaft, balls, club, hole and stroke? We haven’t even gotten started. (Alex Kaseberg)

      I read that Tiger is planning to play in the Masters this April. Tiger said he’s just focused on winning another green jacket — while his wife is focused on receiving half of a green jacket. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Now Michael Vick admits he didn't always give 100 percent when he quarterbacked the Atlanta Falcons. Turns out he was dogging it on two counts. (Dwight Perry)

      Sounds like U.S. snowboarder Graham Watanabe — when asked to describe the euphoria of competing in his second Winter Olympics — was pushing to be the first athlete drug-tested. "Pegasus mating with a unicorn and the creature that they birth I somehow tame it and ride it to the sky and clouds and sunshine and rainbows," he told reporters. "That's how I feel." (Dwight Perry)

      Wizards guard Javaris Crittendon, who was facing up to two years in prison for firearms charges stemming from his gunplay with Gilbert Arenas, received only a year of probation. Talk about dodging a bullet. (RJ Currie)


      Actor Tom Cruise announced that he will be starring in “Mission: Impossible IV”. In it, IMF agent Ethan Hunt tries to make it through an entire night without getting up repeatedly to go to the bathroom. (Jerry Perisho)

      A list of the fifty sexiest songs of all time puts Olivia Newton John's "Physical" at number one. Songs not on the list include anything by Meatloaf. (Jim Barach)


      Bob Dylan performed at the White House in honor of Black History Month. Because when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota. (David Letterman)

      “Days of Our Lives” star Frances Reid has died at age 95 after being on the soap opera for 40 years. She is survived by seven ex-husbands, six illegitimate children and an evil twin. (Jim Barach)

      Diddy brought 28 pieces of luggage with him to the Super Bowl. That’s almost as much baggage as Pete Townshend brought. (Bill Littlejohn)

      In an interview with “Inside Edition”, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she is a hoarder. Lindsay said she has kept almost everything from the past 10 years, except her sobriety and driving skills. (Pedro Bartes)


      This is our last show. It was supposed to last two years, but my sentence was reduced to five months for good behavior. (Jay Leno)

      USA Today is announcing mandatory one-week furloughs for the paper’s nearly 1,500 employees. This was especially frustrating for both of the remaining reporters. (Janice Hough)


      Rapper and cologne-maker Diddy gave his son, Justin Dior Combs, a $360,000 car for his 16th birthday. He must really do the heck out of his chores. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      An airplane made an emergency landing on the New Jersey Turnpike. How could he have overshot the Hudson? The most amazing part of that story is that the pilot landed the plane without spilling his cocktail. (David Letterman)

      Today is Mozart's birthday. Mozart wrote over 600 pieces of classical music, best known for his master work, "Rock Me Amadeus." (Craig Ferguson)

      "Choose life" license plates which support pro-life causes have been approved in two dozen states. However, when most people see a "Choose life" license, they think it just means don't drive a Toyota. (Jim Barach)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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