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Weakly Humerus News 02-06-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-06-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Have you heard the new slogan? “Toyota, just try and stop us.” (Jay Leno)
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 6, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-06-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Have you heard the new slogan? “Toyota, just try and stop us.” (Jay Leno)

      Toyota dealers have been swamped with calls about vehicles that may have uncontrollable acceleration problems. The dealers tell them, "Hurry on in." Like Toyota drivers have a choice. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Indianapolis Colts are the Toyota of professional football. No one has been able to stop them. (Alan Ray)

      Super Bowl Sunday is the one day every year where people around the country say, "Shut up, the commercials are on." (Alex Schubert)

      British Intelligence is warning that terrorist groups could fit women with exploding breast implants. They knew it was only a matter of time before al Queda started setting booby traps. (Jim Barach)

      Q: Will Pete Carroll bring professional football back to Seattle? (Don Orlich)
      A: I don't see why not. He brought professional football back to Los Angeles. (Norman Chad)

      "I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy -- 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy." (David Letterman)

      Well, it happened again. Two Northwest pilots overshot Minneapolis Airport by 500 miles. They weren't in a plane, they were in a Toyota. It wouldn't stop. (Jay Leno)

      What were the odds of this? The New York Jets won more games in January than the New Jersey Nets. (Janice Hough)

      NBA star Greg Oden apologized this week for nude photos of him taken a year and a half ago that have appeared on the web. I'm still wondering what he meant when he said he's 'grown since then. (RJ Currie)

      USC sends prospective recruits calendars of their cheerleaders with "Enough Said" in large letters at the top. Their new coach, Lane Kiffin who while at Tennessee sent a"drill team" of babes to prospect's homes, will fit in perfectly with the the USC philosophy of recruiting. The probable next step will be to give prospective Trojans Trojans. (Stan Kegel)

      After L. A. center Andrew Bynum needed a root canal after getting elbowed by Shaquille O'Neal: "Looks like Shaq was going for his fourth Laker crown." (Bill Littlejohn)

      The Los Angeles City Council agreed Tuesday to allow seventy medical marijuana stores in the city. It's big business. The Pot Party is so powerful in the Golden State that once a year the governor gives a speech to a joint session of Californians. (Argus Hamilton)

      According to a new book, a cat in Rhode Island regularly predicted patients' deaths at a nursing home by snuggling alongside them in their final hours. Honestly, if I'm going to die, I don't think it is that bad to go after I saw some pussy. (Pedro Bartes)

      A Wisconsin woman who tied up her cheating lover and glued his penis to his stomach, last July, was sentenced to community service. Community service? I think that's abuse of the penal code! (Jerry Perisho)

      DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL

      Don't Ask, Don't Tell' could be a thing of the past, very soon. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullen, says he believes gays should serve in the military, all gays, whether they want to or not. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A top military officer says gays should be allowed to serve in uniform. He says they are excellent at serving brunch, hors d'oeuvres or cocktail hour. (Jim Barach)

      Admiral Mike Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, told the Senate Armed Services Committee that openly gay people should be allowed to serve in the U. S. military and that the "don't ask, don't tell" policy now in force should be repealed. He dismissed as "unfounded" a fear common among active duty personnel that dress uniforms would soon feature sequins, feathers and gold lamé pumps. (Bob Mills)

      Oh, here's something interesting and important. The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? More parades. (David Letterman)

      Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: "Who cares? We do that every election." (Jimmy Fallon)

      And a number of high-ranking officials in the military have come forward to say they feel gays should be allowed to serve in the armed forces. I think gay people should be allowed to serve. I mean, think about it. What are we defending here in America? Lady Gaga, “Dancing with the Stars,” “American Idol,” the TV show “Glee.” Hello, look around, people. (Jay Leno)

      SUPERBOWL ADS

      Tim Tebow and his mother did a pro-life Super Bowl ad in which she says how happy she is that she ignored a doctor's order to abort Tim. We haven't heard the last of this issue. Pro-choice forces are looking for John Edwards's mother to shoot a rebuttal ad. (Argus Hamilton)

      So for the Super Bowl, CBS has okayed an anti-abortion ad featuring Tim Tebow, and rejected a gay dating ad. Hmm, maybe "Mancrunch" should have had the ad say "Reduce potential abortions, encourage more gay dating!" (Janice Hough)

      CBS has rejected an ad for a gay-dating Web site on the Super Bowl broadcast. Guess they don't like guys grabbing each oth unless it's 22 at a time. (Neil Berliner)

      CBS refused a Super Bowl ad for ManCrunch which shows two men watching the game when their hands touch in a potato chip bowl. It ignites them to kiss. The Super Bowl has taught us that beer makes you sexy but it's not going to teach us that potato chips make you gay. (Argus Hamilton)

      Let's see, NFL players are athletic-looking guys, often with elaborate hairstyles, who dress in tight spandex uniforms. Then they grab at each other, hug after great plays and dance on a regular basis. Yeah, can't see why the league thinks they would have any gay viewers. (Janice Hough)

      CBS has rejected a Super Bowl ad submitted by a gay dating Web site that shows two male football fans making out. They are right; we have enough gays with the announcers of the game talking about the tight end opened getting ready for a deep penetration. (Pedro Bartes)

      CBS has rejected a Super Bowl ad submitted by a gay dating website. Sorry, but if you want to see unbridled, hot, sweaty man-on-man action, you're actually going to have to watch the game. (Paul Benoit)

      CBS rejected another Super Bowl ad, this time for telling the viewers "Go to Hell." Apparently, it was a travel agency promoting daily trips to New Jersey. (Pedro Bartes)

      CBS Sports rejected the Super Bowl ad for ManCrunch Saturday. It shows two men watching the game when their hands touch in the potato chip bowl, unleashing their gay passion for each other. It will be resubmitted as a U. S. Army recruiting commercial. (Argus Hamilton)

      TOYOTA RECALLS

      You want to get your heart racing, you really want to get it pump pumping? Do what I do. Drive to work in a Toyota. (David Letterman)

      Government officials are increasing pressure on Toyota to fix their accelerator problem. Although they used bad judgment in telling the company to "Step on it." (Jim Barach)

      Toyota acknowledged that their Prius has software problems and doesn't brake properly. Well, let's be fair; the dealers usually promise that these cars never break. (Pedro Bartes)

      Toyota having a big recall-a-thon! Recalling something like 2.3 million cars. The cars may suffer from unintended acceleration. The accelerator can stick to the floor, which is scary. In fact, some Priuses have been seen on the freeway going as high as 48 miles an hour. (Jay Leno)

      Transportation Sec. Ray LaHood erroneously told all Toyota owners they should stop driving their vehicles. For just a brief moment there, LaHood took his foot off the gas pedal and placed it completely in his mouth. (Jerry Perisho)

      Toyota has announced a quick fix for the gas pedal defect that affects 4.2 million cars. It will be available to the dealers as soon as all the Toyota executives commit ritual suicide. (Jake Novak)

      Troubles for Toyota continue. Now, there are reports of brake problems on their popular Prius hybrid car. I find it strangely comforting to know the Prius can get going fast enough to even need brakes. (Jerry Perisho)

      TOYOTA: Turning Off Your Option To Accelerate. (Janice Hough)

      Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were “perfectly safe to use.” (Andy Borowitz)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama got out of jury duty. No word yet about getting us out of Afghanistan. (David Letterman)

      President Obama created a Debt Commission by executive order Monday. He wants them to find a way to cut the deficit and stop the growth of Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. Six months from now the U.S. Surgeon General will issue a warning to every American that life without cigarettes and alcohol isn't really living at all. (Argus Hamilton)

      How dare the President tell high school kids not to blow their college money in Las Vegas. We're in a recession right now. What about Siegfried? What about Roy? What about their tigers? The tigers cannot survive on eating magicians alone. They need money. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The president is really trying to bring people together. He told Senate Democrats that politics can't be just about scoring points. Then today, he was sued by the Knicks for stealing their motto. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama has invited a group of Republicans to his Super Bowl party. He's going to sit the "you lie" guy right next to the "not true" guy.. (David Letterman)

      And just two weeks before he is scheduled to go to Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid, President Obama said Las Vegas is a place of excess that people should not visit during hard times. I guess the president feels if you want to see people cavorting with prostitutes and wasting your money, go to Washington. (Jay Leno)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Hillary Clinton didn't attend the President's speech. She said today she would not serve another term as secretary of state. Apparently, she wants to do something else in 2012. Gee, I wonder what that could be. (Jay Leno)

      THE CONGRESS

      U.S. Congressman Dr. Ron Paul voted against a resolution for U.S. aid to Haiti. The ob/gyn is nicknamed Dr. No due to his habit of opposing everything. Nobody knows better than a gynecologist the trouble that can be saved by saying no at the right time. (Argus Hamilton)

      Don't you love the crowd shots at the State of the Union speech? The Republican Senator side looks like a convention of retired morticians and the Democratic House side looks like an ABBA reunion concert. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Senator-elect Scott Brown was sworn into office on Thursday. The event took place on the Senate floor. There were two swearing-in ceremonies, a formal one for the history books and a naked one for Cosmo's Where Are They Now? issue. (Argus Hamilton)

      Republican Scott Brown was sworn in Thursday, taking over as the junior Senator from Massachusetts. Following tradition, he displayed an American flag lapel pin; which is not easy to do when all you're wearing is a thong. (Jerry Perisho)

      Senator-elect Scott Brown told ABC's "This Week" that his daughter, Ayla, dismissed in 2006 from "American Idol" competition after Simon Cowell called her performance "robotic and empty," should be given another chance. The proud dad reasons that she deserves another shot since being robotic and empty never hurt Sarah Palin. (Bob Mills)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      Washington state cops arrested a teenaged boy for distributing a topless photo of a fourteen-year-old girl. He took it with a phone and texted it to pals. Everyone with a camera used to want to be Steven Spielberg, now they want to be Roman Polanski. (Argus Hamilton)

      The state controller warned today that California could be broke by April. I think that's great news. I thought we were already broke, didn't you? We got two months worth of money left. Let's party! (Jay Leno)

      Los Angeles may require new homes to be able to capture and reuse rainwater. With all the rain that falls in southern California, each house could potentially save enough water each year to actually flush the toilet once. (Jim Barach)

      California is shutting down several medical marijuana outlets across the state. Shares of Taco Bell and 7-11 are crashing on the news. (Jake Novak)

      A Framingham, MA, man who stuffed 75 bottles of lotion in his pants was unable to run from the police. The police APB described the man as "armed and moisturized". (Jerry Perisho)

      U.S. POLITICS & POLITICIANS

      President Obama met Saturday with George H.W. Bush and son Jeb Bush at the White House. The president was glad to meet Jeb. He blamed George W. Bush for the economy and George H.W. Bush for Iraq, and it's nice to have a Bush in the bank for future blame. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jenny Sanford says her husband, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took the word "faithful" out of their wedding vows. You have to admit, he is a man of foresight. (Jim Barach)

      Governor Mark Sanford's wife says he dropped the word "faithful" from their wedding vows when they got married. Don't worry; he also dropped the word "Honest" when he swore to be the governor. (Pedro Bartes)

      The Dalai Lama will visit Pres. Obama at the White House later this month. George W. Bush heard this news and said, "Obama had better be careful. I hear they spit when they're agitated." (Jerry Perisho)

      It seems John Edwards's mistress has gone to court to get a restraining order against the release of a sex tape she made with John Edwards. She says she's worried it will hurt her career. I thought her career was getting knocked up by presidential candidates. (Jay Leno)

      John Edwards' former aide Andrew Young said Monday he was offered millions for a sex tape of John Edwards and Rielle Hunter that he owns. It's very raw. John Edwards can be heard on the tape making passionate noises and that's just while he's combing his hair. (Argus Hamilton)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      Former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker says that big banks should be "euthanized" and not bailed out the next time they fail. It's a very courageous move for Volcker, not because it's a tough financial policy, but because it takes guts for an 82-year-old man to use the word euthanasia in public. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama unveiled a four-trillion-dollar budget Monday. He pays for it with higher taxes and borrowed money and leaves a trillion-dollar debt. Parker Brothers has just decided to switch from Monopoly money to U.S. currency to save on printing costs. (Argus Hamilton)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      For the first time in four years, Ford is reporting a profit of $2.7 billion. They attribute it to the fact that they are building better cars, and that Toyotas are crashing and Hondas are bursting into flames. (Jay Leno)

      AIG plans on giving out $100 Million in bonuses to the division that led to their government bailout. Those people deserve it. They got more free money from the government than the company could have ever made with legitimate profits. (Jim Barach)

      The Washington D.C. Auto Show exhibited a new compact car that runs on government wastepaper. Many are mortified. Dick Cheney just realized that all the time he was shredding Energy Task Force documents, he was underselling the oil companies. (Argus Hamilton)

      IMMIGRATION, SECURITY & TERRORISM

      Osama bin Laden has released yet another audio tape message. Where does he find all these audio tapes? You can’t even buy audio tapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? (Jay Leno)

      Osama bin Laden issued a statement Friday in which he blamed the United States for global warming. He urged the entire world to boycott U.S. goods and to bring the American economy to a halt. Americans were just happy to hear it wasn't already there. (Argus Hamilton)

      Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they're going to offer the same deal to N.B.A. players. (Jay Leno)

      The White House backed a plan Friday to bribe the Taliban to stop fighting. The thinking is, if we pay them a salary they'll put down their weapons. Twenty million unemployed Americans just announced they're going to take up arms and join the Taliban. (Argus Hamilton)

      And in London this week, a half a billion dollar British-American backed fund was proposed to pay Taliban fighters to lay down their weapons to stop fighting. So, the good news is America is creating jobs. Oh, sure, they're all for terrorists, but we're making jobs. (Jay Leno)

      The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they're going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they'll bring it into the city. (Jay Leno)

      The White House has responded to New York City's concerns and is searching for another location for the trial of Khalid Sheik Muhammed. They don't want to turn Manhattan into one giant airport security check line. Mayor Rudy Giuliani got the naked people out of Times Square ten years ago and people don't want to go backwards. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MILITARY & VETERANS

      The Army is now making the "morning after" pill available at each of its bases and hospitals worldwide. It's all part of the Army's new marketing campaign to high school kids: "enlist for the sex, stay for the free birth control!" (Jake Novak)

      Did you know that military pilots flying drone aircraft by remote control 7,500 miles away from the planes are still required to wear their flight suits? It was an order that came down from the top during the George W. Bush administration from another guy who was always wearing a flight suit for no reason. (Frank King)

      Here’s something pretty unbelievable. The only living World War I veteran, a man named Frank Buckles, just turned 109 years old. What’s even more amazing, he just finished his fourth tour in Afghanistan. (Jay Leno)

      NASA & SPACE

      Pres. Obama's $3.8 trillion budget cuts funding for flights to the moon, but opens up space exploration to private business. And, you thought your lost bags went to far-off places before. "You are now free to move about the galaxy." (Jerry Perisho)

      CANADA

      A Canadian restaurant is promoting sex in its unisex bathrooms. That explains the signs urging customers to make sure they shower after using the restroom. (Jim Barach)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      For the second year running and despite the economic downturn, the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons reports that breast reduction for men is their fastest-growing procedure, with breast enhancement still the top procedure for women. Obvious cost-cutting solution would be to introduce the two groups to each other who could then split the difference. (Bob Mills)

      EUROPE

      Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. I know a Tiger that could sure use one. (Tim Hunter)

      Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. Well, hey, if anyone understands animals it would be lawyers, right? Almost identical DNA, I've heard. (Joe Hickman)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Restaurants in Dubai now offer camel burgers. Sure, the hump you develop on your back makes your shirts fit poorly, but that third eyelid you'll grow is great for faking like you're asleep. (Jerry Perisho)

      Iran says it rocketed two turtles into space with a mouse and some worms as part of its growing space-exploration program. "That is one small step for Yertle; one giant leap for turtle-kind." (Jerry Perisho)

      THE INDIAN SUBCONTINENT

      ABC News reports that the president of Pakistan slaughters a black goat every day since becoming president in an attempt to ward off the evil eye. It's good to see these modern, progressive people are our allies in the war against terror. (Jay Leno)

      SCIENCE

      Researchers have developed a silicone implant which can generate electricity when squeezed, mashed or wobbled, which means that with my hands and Pamela Anderson, we can save California's energy crisis. (Pedro Bartes)

      A new research found that one in five people has an "unfitness" gene, which makes them out of shape no matter how much they exercise. The same research also found that five out of five people will now use that as their excuse for being out of shape. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A study says that vegetative brains show a glimmer of awareness. That means there is still some hope for Congress. (Jim Barach)

      HEALTH

      Argentina President Christina Fernandez told her people to spice up their sex lives by eating pork, I can see the erectile dysfunction commercial now: a man and a women in their side-by-side bathtubs eating baby back ribs. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A new study from the Medical University of Graz in Austria has found that sunbathing can boost a man's sex drive, especially if you are lying out next to hot women wearing only a thong. (Pedro Bartes)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Washington, DC is expecting another major snowstorm. It will be so cold that Sen. Scott Brown will have to wear his fur-lined g-string. (Jerry Perisho)

      SPORTS

      Canadian company Creative Classics has unveiled "The Mistress Collection - 'Tail of the Tiger' Golf Balls," a boxed dozen with the faces of Woods' purported mistresses on them. But buyer beware: They're tempting to try, but they'll leave you with a lot of unplayable lie. (Dwight Perry)

      The New Orleans Saints’ fans, I’m telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it’s been a very long, long time. (David Letterman)

      The Super Bowl is Sunday. Scouts say there's only one way to keep the Saints' Reggie Bush from going deep. Have him hang around Kim Kardashian. (Alan Ray)

      To get the NCAA off the scent of the USC football program, I a have solution: I think that USC should give back Garrett's Heisman Trophy as a self imposed punishment for any pending football sanctions. (Brett Elkins)

      At USC, a student manager has been fired from the basketball team for yelling "blow the f**king whistle" at a referee during a game. Well, good to see the Trojans have their priorities in order: Take tens of thousands of dollars or a car, and you end up with a pro career, use foul language, and you're out as an embarrassment to the university. (Janice Hough)

      They're now coming out with the new, 75th edition of Monopoly, this time with a round board. No more square boards. And actually, they've updated the whole game. In the new version, the banker is a Wall Street C. E.O. He overextends mortgages, he loses the bank, and when things go under, he uses his get-out-of-jail-for-free card. So it's all very realistic. (Jay Leno)

      ATHLETES

      Tiger Woods is reportedly ready to fly home with his wife Elin after undergoing sex addiction therapy. Apparently whether Elin stays with Tiger or divorces him depends on how long it takes him to hit on the flight attendants.

      Latest breaking news from Miami: The Colts' All-Pro Defensive End Dwight Freeney's ankle is still sore. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. (Janice Hough)

      Matt Schaub was voted MVP of the Pro Bowl. Isn't that like being voted the best show in NBC's prime time lineup? Or the best men's basketball team in the Pac 10? (Janice Hough)

      Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, who gave Patriots quarterback Tom Brady a son Dec. 8, chose to do it via a water birth in their home bathtub. So much for all those NFL pundits who predicted she'd direct-snap it to him. (Dwight Perry)

      As the result of an elbow by Shaquille O'Neal, the center for Los Angeles had to have root canal. Looks like Shaq was going for his fourth Laker crown. (Bill Littlejohn)

      16-year-old Abby Sunderland has set out to become the youngest person to sail solo around the world. Her trip is expected to span six months, 38,625 kilometers and 14,600 text messages. (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Former spouses James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow will battle it out at the Oscars for best picture and best director. Bigelow said, "I am overwhelmed, unlike on my wedding night." (Jerry Perisho)

      "The Blind Side" is the highest grossing football movie of all time. Although those who haven't seen the movie actually think it's the answer to a question. "Whose side is Congress on in this healthcare debate?" (Janice Hough)

      The Oscar nominations were announced today. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for "Up in the Air," Jeremy Renner for "The Hurt Locker," and President Obama for the "State of the Union." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Los Angeles will not require condoms to be used in porn films. Apparently the actors are worried they will not qualify for Oscar nominations if they are wearing a disguise. (Jim Barach)

      ENTERTAINERS

      The Super Bowl halftime entertainment in Miami Sunday will feature the legendary rock 'n' roll group The Who. This group has been around for a long, long time. They performed a concert at the Dinosaur National Monument in Utah when it still was a zoo." (Argus Hamilton)

      Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently, a lot of the Muslim terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looks like. (anon.)

      Madonna and her boyfriend Jesus have called it quits. Reporters claim they saw the pop start already looking for a new date at Chucky Cheese. (Pedro Bartes)

      Fifty-one year old Madonna has reportedly been dumped by her 23 year old boyfriend model Jesus Luz. It had been rumored she tried to take the relationship to the next level. Adoption. (Alan Ray)

      Lady Gaga performed at the Grammy's with Elton John. There are still people that believe she is a man, and next to Elton John she definitely looked like one. (Pedro Bartes)

      "Men in Black" actor Rip Torn is in jail after getting drunk, breaking into a bank, lying down, and going to sleep. Torn claims he thought the bank was "his own home." Rip Torn thought he was home in a bank? Who does this guy think he is. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner? (Frank King)

      MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      President Obama is taking some grief for his use of a teleprompter. You do get the feeling, however, that if George W. Bush was accused of over-reliance on a teleprompter that Fox News would headline the story "President displays exceptional reading skills." (Janice Hough)

      Obama's Q & A with the G.O.P. should put a stop to TV pundits reading a criticism of his overreliance on a teleprompter off a teleprompter. (Will Durst)

      One of the judges at this year's Miss America Pageant was conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. Rush Limbaugh did for the Miss America Pageant what stuck accelerator pedals have done to Toyota car sales. (Jerry Perisho)

      EDUCATION

      President Obama has just announced a $250 million training program for teachers. That's $50 million for math and science training, and $200 million to get lawyers for teachers who sleep with their underage students. (Jake Novak)

      Liverpool: The number of parents being fined for taking their children out of classes during the academic year to go on holiday and take advantage of lower travel rates is up 50% over last year. In the U. S., parents risk no such fine and freely withdraw students for completely different reasons such as protesting the teaching of evolution, recovering from gunshot wounds, marrying the teacher or auditioning for a spot on "American Idol." (Bob Mills)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A study says that men are more bothered by sexual infidelity, while women are more upset with emotional infidelity. Just imagine how bad Tiger Woods would have looked if Elin thought he had fallen in love with any of his mistresses. (Jim Barach)

      HISTORY

      It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born. (Jay Leno)

      HOLIDAYS

      I like Groundhog Day. I mean, it's nice to see something coming out of a hole in the ground that's not running for political office. (Jay Leno)

      Groundhog Day drew thousands to the celebration's headquarters in Pennsylvania this morning. It looks bad. Punxsutawney Phil came out and saw that he's got six weeks to get out of his tree before the bank takes back the property and padlocks the hole. (Argus Hamilton)

      OTHER NEWS

      A seed shortage for cucumbers, carrots and onions across the country could imperil home gardens. Fortunately, in California there are plenty of marijuana seeds available for people to raise their own prescriptions. (Jim Barach)

      The Census Bureau reports that thanks to job losses, they've recruited the most highly-skilled workforce in history. Census-takers include engineers, professors and bankers. Everywhere they knock on the door, they'll ask the same questions: how many people live in the house, what are their ages, and do they know of any openings? (Argus Hamilton)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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