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Weakly Humerus News 01-23-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-23-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK A lion wouldn t cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood! (Eric Hodgson) Now that the
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 23, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-23-10


      A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood! (Eric Hodgson)

      Now that the Democrats have lost their super majority, health care is in Limbaugh. (Robt Stupple)

      Folks today are worried about what's happening today while NBC is worried about what's happening "Tonight?" (Gil Stern)

      Newly elected Republican Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts once posed nude for Cosmo magazine. That’s why he pulled such an upset victory. Voters could see the guy has balls. (Alan Ray)

      Weight Watchers is suing Jenny Craig. Apparently each side has hired a team of lawyers who are real heavyweights. (Jim Barach)

      Reality TV star Kim Kardashian says running back boyfriend Reggie Bush has promised to propose to her if his New Orleans Saints win the Super Bowl. The Saints may win it all, but on his wedding night, Reggie will not be able to cover the spread. (Jerry Perisho)

      Mark McGwire, the new St. Louis hitting coach, admitted he used steroids when he set the single-season home run record. I'm not saying he should be forgiven, but it's clear it isn't a Cardinals sin. (RJ Currie)

      Imagine if we had told you on Nov. 3, 2004 [after the Republicans increased their Senate majority to 55], that the Republicans would not pick up another Senate seat until 2010. It would have been hard to believe, right? Now imagine if we had added that the seat that finally ended their slump would be the one held by Ted Kennedy. The only crazier thing we can think of is if we'd predicted on Thanksgiving 2009 that the New York Jets would make it to the conference championship. (James Taranto)

      Probably just a coincidence, but in 2009 - the 150th anniversary of A Tale of Two Cities - the Minnesota Vikings went from having a dickens of a time finding a quarterback to saying "It is a Favre, Favre better thing that we do, than we have ever done." (RJ Currie)

      Well, all the major airlines have raised their fees to check in baggage. In fact, it's getting so expensive now to bring bags on board, even people who aren't terrorists are stuffing things into their underpants. (Jay Leno)

      The road to the Super Bowl continues. How is a third string player on a championship team like a Wall Street investment banker? Both get a bonus check just for suiting up. (Alan Ray)

      Sarah Palin will be a VIP honored guest at the Daytona 500. And she plans to wave the checkered flag for the real winner after 250 miles. (Janice Hough)

      We can't remember the last time we've seen so many cheap shots, hits below the waist and unsportsmanlike conduct. No, not the NFL playoffs — the late-night TV hosts. (Dwight Perry)

      According to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league aims to launch in twelve cities this summer. That gives finally a chance for Rush Limbaugh to become the owner of a sports team. (Pedro Bartes)

      A Lexus dealer in Knoxville, TN says former-Tennessee-and-new-USC football coach Lane Kiffin damaged his loaner car when he ran it off the road. Isn't that cute? The Tennessee coach drives the same car that second-stringers get at USC. (Jerry Perisho)


      Conan O'Brien may be off the Tonight Show but for months afterward he'll have the last laugh! (Gil Stern)

      Now, my future is, well, it's pretty uncertain right now, and this is absolutely true, I'm not making this up. I received a letter from the adult film company Pink Visual, offering me a role in one of their porno movies. That's true. That's absolutely true. It's great, yeah. In the movie, I'd be having sex with a beautiful woman, and just as we're about to climax, I get replaced by Jay Leno (Conan O'Brien)

      Remember when the Tonight Show was entertainment, now it's a get-rich-quick scheme. Shouldn't The Tonight Show be listed on the stock market, let's all get in on the money! (Gil Stern)

      Conan O'Brien's ratings have been going up on the "Tonight Show" since it was announced he is being replaced by Jay Leno. He has a plan that could make his ratings go even higher. Leave NBC. (Jim Barach)

      NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I'd like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week. President Barack Obama, the pope, the queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley, was stopping by. (Conan O'Brien)

      Jay Leno agreed Friday to host the Tonight Show and Conan O'Brien will leave. Everything's going to go back to the way it was. Joe Biden went home for his mom's funeral last week and when he came back Dick Cheney was living in his house. (Argus Hamilton)

      The fallout from NBC's botching of the late night talk shows has been bad; today at Take Your Daddy To School Day, one NBC executive told the kids he worked for al Qaeda. (Alex Kaseberg)


      The White House saw polls showing Republicans may win the Massachusetts Senate seat Tuesday. Change is fleeting. The Tonight Show's going back to Leno, the home run record is going back to Maris, and Massachusetts is going back to the Protestants. (Argus Hamilton)

      Can you believe it? Republicans elected a former nude model Senator from Massachusetts. What's next, a naked filibuster kills health care? (Joe Hickman)

      Well, in political news, the big upset. A Republican was elected to the U. S. Senate in Massachusetts, filling a seat once held by Ted Kennedy. So, this could tip the delicate balance of power in the U. S. Senate from the completely incompetent back to the morally corrupt. (Jay Leno)

      Have to wonder, with all the Democrats in Massachusetts, how did they come up with a candidate as weak as Martha Coakley? Do the state party leaders moonlight in the programming department of NBC? (Janice Hough)

      Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It's a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe now? Massachusetts elects a Republican or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles? (David Letterman)

      Republican Scott Brown has stunned the political world by beating Democrat Martha Coakley to win Ted Kennedy's former seat in the U. S. Senate. Political pundits are calling it a referendum on President Obama's health care reform plan, but Coakley is blaming Jay Leno saying his ratings at ten o'clock caused people to watch Greta Van Susteren and Glenn Beck instead of their late local news. (Frank King)


      It’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster. The Republican Party. (Jay Leno)

      I read that a year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Yeah, technically that is change." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Well, today officially marks the beginning of President Obama's second year in office. He has three years left, but NBC offered him $45 million to leave altogether. So, we'll see what happens. (Jimmy Fallon)

      If the Republicans now plan to stall health care reform, however, Barack Obama does have a plan to end the filibuster. He's going to show it every night on NBC at 10pm. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama's approval rating has dropped 17 points since his inauguration. At this rate, the only person Obama will be able to beat in the 2012 election is Martha Coakley. (Jake Novak)


      The White House issued a statement today. They're blaming government inefficiencies — this is true — they're blaming it on old computers. Apparently, all the computers keep crashing. And everyone knows the only crashing tolerated at the White House is during state dinners. (Craig Ferguson)

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says a major new part of her foreign policy is insisting on Internet freedom everywhere in the world. Which is ironic, since she still does not allow Bill to surf the Web without adult supervision. (Jake Novak)


      The Supreme Court today ruled in a five votes to four decision that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political campaigns. In other words, if Exxon or Dow wants to support a candidate, they can give him or her as much money as they want. I can't see that having any negative repercussions, can you? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The U. S. Supreme Court is allowing corporations to donate unlimited amounts of money to politicians. Which means nothing changes except violators won't have to be annoyed with that little slap on the wrist anymore. (Jim Barach)

      The Supreme Court decision removing previous restrictions on corporate speech rests on the construct of "corporate personhood." We thought the issue with gays was contentious. So how long until activists call to legalize "corporate marriage?" And does this mean the Supreme Court may also rule someday that future mergers must be between a male corporation and a female corporation. (Janice Hough)

      The California State Supreme Court ruled there can be no limits placed on the amount of medical marijuana a patient can have. They will now be called the state's "Really High Court". (Jim Barach)


      In the Republican primary for the Governor's race, Steve Poizner, who has given $19 million to his own campaign, has accused Meg Whitman, who has given $39 million to her own campaign, of trying to buy the election. (Janice Hough)

      In California, Republican gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner has "lent" $19 million to his campaign, while Meg Whitman has "lent" her campaign $39 million. And both of them say they should be elected governor so they can cut down on state spending. (Janice Hough)

      Disgraced South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford delivers his state-of-the-state speech this week. This is probably not a good time to announce the special travel deals between South Carolina and Argentina. (Jerry Perisho)

      On their last Census form, Guy and Anna Esposito of Boston listed their cat, Sal Esposito, under "pets." That might be why Sal got called for jury duty. Even worse, when Anna applied to have the cat excused from jury duty, the jury commissioner denied the request. She said if the issue isn't cleared up by March 23rd, she'll have to bring the cat to court. Why can't he go by himself? He has a driver's license. (The Comedy Wire)

      A new report shows Oakland Mayor Ronald Dellums hasn't paid his taxes since he took office. What fun is it to raise everyone else's taxes if you have to pay them yourself? (Jake Novak)

      Police in Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin, got a complaint of loud music and pounded on an apartment door, trying to make themselves heard by the resident. When he finally answered, he claimed he hadn't heard them because he'd been "rocking out to John Denver." He was ticketed for unnecessary noise and could face a $210 fine. Plus 30 days for obviously lying to a police officer. You think that's bad, you should be around for Barry Manilow night. (The Comedy Wire)


      John Edwards has admitted he is the father of Rielle Hunter's baby. So while he was talking about "Two Americas," who knew he was having children in both of them? Now that Edwards has admitted paternity of his mistress's child, one question comes to mind: How long before potential Tiger cubs surface? (Janice Hough)

      Well, John Edwards has finally admitted he is the father of Rielle Hunter's baby. He issued a statement. Really? Who is the statement for? The only person that doesn't know he's the father of Rielle Hunter's baby is Rielle Hunter's baby. (Jay Leno)

      In Touch Weekly paid Sarah Palin and her daughter Bristol one hundred thousand dollars for this week's cover story in which Bristol announced she's a born-again virgin. There's no point to it. Her mother is never going to let her date a terrorist. (Argus Hamilton)

      John McCain's wife Cindy has come out in favor of gay marriage. Conservatives are not thrilled. On the other hand, they are relieved to hear a Republican "coming out" story that has nothing to do with airport bathrooms. (Janice Hough)


      Wall Street is hiring a lobbying firm to lodge a legal challenge to the Obama administration's proposed new tax on the banks. It's a great strategy, because if there one thing the American people love it's the combination of lawyers, lobbyists and rich bankers. (Jake Novak)


      According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress. (Jay Leno)

      Citigroup reported a $7.6 Billion quarterly loss. Apparently they were in line to make a profit when the report came out but that was the day they handed out all their executive bonuses. (Jim Barach)

      A manufacturer of combat rifle sights inscribes various Bible passages on them. Wonder if they also inscribe, "And don't forget to obey the Nine Commandments!" (Neil Berliner)

      Toyota has announced they’re coming out with a smaller, less powerful Prius. Or as we used to call that: a Go Cart. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Toyota introducing a new version of the Prius. They say it is a smaller, less powerful version. A less powerful version? Isn't that pretty much a Rascal Scooter at this point? (Jay Leno)

      You think you're having problems? Thank your lucky stars you don't work in the tropical fish industry. According to the New York Times, the recent cold spell in Florida killed millions of guppies, causing a national guppy shortage. Perhaps all those sewer pipes bursting down there last week WEREN'T from the cold temperatures. Have you ever tried to flush a million guppies simultaneously? (Frank King)


      Listen to this: In 2009, the F. B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people. (Jimmy Fallon)


      Homeland Security is reportedly developing a mind-reading system for airport checkpoints. T.S. A. agents will quickly learn what most travelers are thinking. "How did you get hired?" (Alan Ray)

      Osama bin Laden is still out doing whatever it is he does. And so the F. B.I. updated his likeness. So the F. B.I. has gotten the original photograph, and they've enhanced it to show what Osama bin Laden looks like now. And if you're interested, you can see it. They put it on a carton of goat's milk. (David Letterman)


      A store in London is selling exquisitely prepared 15-pound hams for close to $3,000. Pound for pound, that's the priciest ham since Chad Ochocinco. (Gary Loewen)

      Holiday Inns in Britain are going to start offering guests free *human* bed-warming service. Real people will climb under the sheets for five minutes while you brush your teeth and get ready for bed. It can't fail; so now when your wife catches you with someone in bed, you tell her the other woman was a bed warmer. (Pedro Bartes)


      Saddam Hussein's cousin, "Chemical Ali", received his fourth death sentence in Baghdad, Sunday. This guy has more complete sentences than Sarah Palin's memoir. (Jerry Perisho)


      The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now having to use snowplows to run over dissidents. (Jay Leno)

      Japan Airlines has filed for bankruptcy protection. Passengers can tell the company is in trouble by austere amenities. The lavatory tissue is your inflight magazine. (Alan Ray)


      They have built now, robotic women. They're anatomically correct, they have synthetic skin, and they can carry on minimal conversations. As a matter of fact, the Republican Party wants to run one for vice president. (David Letterman)


      The CDC said Saturday only one out of every five Americans has been vaccinated for swine flu. People are rebelling. They've been stuck by their mortgage lenders, stuck by their credit card companies and stuck by the taxman, and Americans are out of veins. (Argus Hamilton)

      New research says that cutting 3 grams out of daily salt consumption would save 92,000 lives per year in the US, but, the margarita industry would completely collapse. Dave Letterman said he would cut back on salt intake, but would not stop rubbing it in NBC's wounds. (Jerry Perisho)

      Research says people who spend most of their days sitting are more likely to be fat, have a heart attack or even die. It's true, too. The Health Channel just had a 24-hour marathon about it. (Bill Williams)


      A terrible "20-year storm" is drenching California, forcing homeowners to evacuate in many of the worst burn areas. Pat Robertson hasn't told Californians yet who they are being punished for making a deal with. (Jerry Perisho)

      Massive storms continue to pound California. You can tell there's a lot of water on the streets of Los Angeles. Keifer Sutherland now gets pulled over for Boating Under the Influence. (Alan Ray)

      Southern California is being crushed with a drenching rain storm that has caused flooding in many communities. In Burbank, the water was nearly high enough to wash the egg off NBC President Jeff Zucker's face. (Jerry Perisho)

      It rained so hard in Los Angeles, Warren Beatty had sex with a mermaid. (Alex Kaseberg)

      It rained on the Golden Globes in Los Angeles, Sunday night. It was so rainy that Regis Philbin's new hip rusted him into the sitting position. (Jerry Perisho)

      Yet another heavy rain day – LA is getting spanked again. Usually, 5 days in a row involves a dominatrix and a "safe word". (Jerry Perisho)... Actually what several days of spanking in row in Los Angeles usually means – the Dodgers are in the playoffs. (Janice Hough)

      They say Los Angeles could receive over 20-inches of rain this week. If you're in LA, just a reminder -- at any time, Pamela Anderson may be used as a flotation device. (Tim Hunter)

      Tornado force winds blew through parts of Los Angeles County on Tuesday. Actually, it wasn't the tornado blowing as much as it was NBC sucking. (Jerry Perisho)


      All Star balloting continues in the NBA. Fans voting for Tracy McGrady and Allen Iverson prove they don't follow the game of basketball. Or as Nets players would call them, the front office. (Alan Ray)

      Forget the NFL playoffs. The big football news this week is that the Lingerie Football League will soon begin selling game-worn uniforms. (Gregg Drinnan)

      Former Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin will be a VIP guest at next month's Daytona 500 festivities, officials said. Which seems an odd fit, considering NASCAR's bread-and-butter is steering to the left. (Dwight Perry)

      O. K., what were the odds of this? The New York Jets have won more games in January than the New Jersey Nets. (Janice Hough)

      The Winter Olympics begin February 12 in Vancouver. The U.S. ski team is quite a talented group. They go downhill faster than a programming idea at NBC. (Alan Ray)

      Cowboy partisans were miffed that Bret Favre threw a fourth-down touchdown pass to give the Vikings a 34-3 lead with little time left. They considered it unnecessary and obnoxious, and they're right. Anyone who's taken a gander at the new, billion-dollar Cowboys Stadium, with its $40 million scoreboard, knows that if there's one thing that the Cowboys don't like, it's something unnecessary and obnoxious. (Phillip Glowatz)

      The Minnesota Vikings are prepared for deafening noise from the home town crowd when they play in New Orleans, Sunday. The sideline coaches will use hand signals and Bret Favre will take the battery of his hearing aid. (Jerry Perisho)

      A poll showed that 73 percent of Division I-A football head coaches prefer the BCS to a playoff system. After all, when you have a Weedeater Bowl trophy in your office, you're already a champion. (Drew Curtis)

      Vancouver was reported Monday to be set to host the Winter Olympics games next month in British Columbia. The athletes are training hard. Last week President Obama just set a world record in the Men's Downhill and that was in the Washington Post poll. (Argus Hamilton)

      The NHL suspended play when the lights went out halfway through a New Jersey Devils home game. If it had been a Nets home game it probably wouldn't have been noticed; by halftime fans usually have their eyes closed. (RJ Currie)

      South Florida's Jim Leavitt became the third major-college football coach in recent weeks to be fired for reportedly physically abusing a player. You want a simple solution? New rule: Players get to hit back. (Greg Cote)

      Laphroaig Islay Single Malt has been named the official scotch of the U. S. Curling Association Yes! Nothing like scotch and rocks. (Steve Schrader)


      Probably the biggest thing 2009 taught us: "Catching a Tiger by the tail wasn't as hard as we had always thought." (Tim Hunter)

      Tiger Woods now apparently says he's a "sex addict." So what's the difference between a sex addict and most men? Means and opportunity. (Janice Hough)

      More thoughts about Tiger. When does a man realize he's a sex addict? When he gets caught. (Janice Hough)

      Tiger Woods has checked into a sex clinic. Actually he's checked into three sex clinics, but they don't know about each other. (Dwight Perry)

      At a sexual addiction rehab clinic in Mississippi, Tiger Woods has been told he cannot have any sexual contact for 18 straight weeks. That ought to prepare him for living with Elin. (Jerry Perisho)

      Will Tiger Woods return, or won't he? I promise you, if he had already won 19 majors, you might never see him again, Now he's got to ask himself if the juice is worth the squeeze. (Pat Perez)

      Talk about waking up in a cold sweat. We dreamt Tiger Woods won this year's Masters — and they awarded him a green teddy. (Dwight Perry)

      Tiger Woods reportedly donated three million dollars Monday to the Wyclef Jean relief organization for rebuilding Haiti. He gave the money without thinking twice about it. Whenever the earth moves it costs Tiger Woods another three million dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

      In an interview with People magazine, Obama said that Tiger Woods can rehabilitate his life despite all the affairs. Why would they ask Obama about that? If they wanted an expert opinion they should have asked Bill Clinton. (Pedro Bartes)

      Gilbert Arenas faced five years in jail on felony gun charges, but late on Friday he plea-bargained down to two years with the Nets. (Brad Dickson)

      Suspended NBA star Gilbert Arenas reportedly once defecated in teammate Andray Blatche's shoe. That's the latest poop from Washington. Personally, I wouldn't want to be in either player's shoes. (RJ Currie)

      If you plan to play poker with Gilbert Arenas, just remember that a Smith & Wesson beats a royal flush. (ASR)

      ESPN analysts said Boise State has a good shot at winning the 2010 football title — as long as it gets a high preseason ranking. Congratulations to the BCS. They have just turned college football into Olympic figure skating. (Janice Hough)

      O. J. Mayo, the one-and-done USC basketball star, refused to cooperate with the university's investigation into allegations he accepted improper gifts and benefits in 2007-08, said USC athletic director Mike Garrett. So much for O. J. leading the Trojans in assists that season. (Dwight Perry)

      Brett Favre sung "Pants on the ground" after Sunday's victory. It should have been Tony Romo singing it; after all, his pants were the ones on the ground throughout the entire game. (Pedro Bartes)

      The Super Bowl teams will be determined Sunday. Brett Favre will be wearing extra padding against the ferocious Saints defense. The team trainer is giving him an extra pair of Depends. (Alan Ray)

      Mark McGwire has admitted he used steroids when he set the home run record of 70 in 1998. At this point that's like Bernie Madoff admitting he cheated on his taxes. (Alex Kaseberg)

      L. A. Dodger and Gold Glover Matt Kemp was vacationing in Mexico with singer and model Rihanna. Man, that's what I call a fielder's choice! (RJ Currie)

      Did you catch that bizarre tennis outfit that Maria Sharapova wore during her opening-round loss in the Australian Open? Guess it was curtains, in more ways than one. (Dwight Perry)

      San Diego's all-pro kicker Nate Kaeding missed three crucial field goals in the Chargers' 17-14 loss to the New York Jets. He may have lost his NFL job but with that many high-profile misses he may be offered the position of programming director at NBC. (Janice Hough)

      Although Benji Molina was sure he had better offers, the veteran catchers ended up returning to the SF Giants for 2010 on a one-year contract at a reduced salary. Apparently those offers didn't turn out to be as good as he thought. And one reputedly included some duties at 10pm on NBC. (Janice Hough)

      Shaquille O'Neal has become the fifth player in NBA history to score 28,000 points. But, Shaq is the only one to do it without ever making a free throw. (Jerry Perisho)

      Buffalo Bills running back Marshawn Lynch is accused of stealing $20 last month from a police officer's wife in a Hamburg, N.Y. restaurant. Not to worry though; Lynch has just been offered a part in the McDonalds Super Bowl commercial as the Hamburgler. (RJ Currie)

      The San Francisco Giants are offering Lincecum $8 million a year in arbitration. The two-time Cy Young winner is asking for $13 million. San Francisco, however, can point out that perhaps it's not the first time Tim is a little high. (Janice Hough)

      A top prospect in the Oakland As organization, Grant Desme, has left baseball to join the priesthood. Which is surprising, normally the only people who give up on baseball for a life of prayer are Cubs fans. (Janice Hough)


      China says that "Avatar" is the most successful movie in their country's history. Apparently more money has been made by video pirates than on any other film. (Jim Barach)


      Elvis Presley's doctor admitted Friday he wrote ten thousand prescriptions for Elvis in his last year. He was on liquid cocaine, steroids, barbiturates and painkillers when he died. Elvis Presley may be the only person in history who descended to heaven. (Argus Hamilton)

      The actress Linda Blair just turned 51. Wow, tell me that doesn't make your head spin! (Jerry Perisho)


      Pat Robertson said Wednesday that Haiti's earthquake was God-commanded because the natives made deals with Satan. He tracks these things. The Sylmar earthquake struck Los Angeles the day after Charlton Heston lost the role of God to George Burns. (Argus Hamilton)


      Bristol Palin said in "In Touch" magazine that she considers herself "a born-again virgin." What's next, Tiger Woods and John Edwards retaking their marriage vows? (Janice Hough)


      Officials evacuated a San Diego middle school Friday when a student's science project created undo concern. The boy said he hadn't drilled the peephole into the girls shower room, but had just installed the high-tech wide angle camera. (Jerry Perisho)


      Pat Robertson is confusing Haiti with Hades, his next post. (Michael Feldman)


      The number of e-books for kids is growing. It’s changed the family relationship. No longer do children say “read me a bedtime story.” It’s now “post the link on Facebook.” (Alan Ray)

      The Shady Lady brothel in Nevada has a 25-year-old man named Marcus, and he's become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first one not elected to the United States Senate, of course. (Jay Leno)


      The Doomsday Clock has been set back 1 minute. In moving the clock from 5 minutes before midnight to 6 minutes before midnight, scientists expressed optimism for humanity's future. Are you sure? Have these scientist watched Glen Beck and Sarah Palin together on Fox News? (Pedro Bartes)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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