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99Weakly Humerus News 01-02-01

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  • Stan Kegel
    Jan 2, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-02-10


      The Daily Mail reports that Tiger Woods has entered rehab for sex addiction and that one of his handlers has reportedly said 'Tiger wants to get back on top.' Get back on top? Isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place? . (RJ Currie)

      A T and T is dropping its sponsorship of Tiger Woods. Actually, when you consider the number of women he was juggling all over the world, Woods should be a pretty good advertisement for great cell phone coverage. (Janice Hough)

      AT&T Inc. joined Accenture as the second major sponsor to drop golfer Tiger Woods in light of allegations of numerous infidelities. Guess AT&T didn't like all his hang-ups. (Dwight Perry)

      A judge in Los Angeles has rejected a policy of mandatory condoms on porn sets. Actors are already under no strict rules. If they don’t want to perform the scene, they can pull out any time. (Alan Ray)

      President Obama sank to a fifty-six percent disapproval rating Monday as Tiger Woods scored a fifty percent disapproval rating. There's more public empathy for an adulterer than a socialist. Everyone's tempted to cheat but nobody's tempted to share. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rush Limbaugh was taken to a hospital in Hawaii after suffering chest pain. He was immediately whisked into a room where he would be most comfortable, in the hospital's right wing. (Jim Barach)

      A poll says most Americans are looking for a silver lining in 2010. Unlike Wall Street executives, who spent most of 2009 lining their pockets with silver. (Jim Barach)

      New Year’s Day is Friday. There’s only one thing you can say to someone who’s had way too much to drink the night before. “Your bail is set at $100,000, Mr. Sheen? (Alan Ray)

      On New Year’s Eve, we will see a rare “blue moon”. What is so rare about that? Every New Year’s Eve, drunks in Times Square drop their pants and bend over in frigidly cold weather. (Jerry Perisho)

      On international flights no one will be able to leave their seat within an hour of landing. This means on flights say from Cancun to Dallas or Cabo San Lucas to Los Angeles passengers may never be able to leave their seats. Great, just what you want after a Mexican vacation. Next upgrade on flights from Mexico, plastic seat covers. Or as my friend Kevin T. says “Depends.” (Janice Hough)


      Officials in Yemen are investigating whether the terrorist on board the Delta flight on Christmas had spent time with al-Qaida there. Oh, that will be very helpful and informative; like a college looking into whether its own football coach violated any recruiting rules. (Jerry Perisho)

      In the wake of the Christmas Day airline terror attempt, the Department of Homeland Security today said it was instituting a bold new series of security measures, including issuing an official "proof of terrorism" I. D. card. -- All potential terrorists must have the terrorist I. D. card in order to be barred from boarding," said Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano. "If you want to get on the no-fly list you'll need a completed application and the $25 fee." (Andy Borowitz)

      The Nigerian terrorist on the Northwest flight to Detroit had his explosive device catch fire in his lap. The good news is the commotion woke up the pilots and they didn't miss the airport. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Northwest Airlines passengers emerged from the plane in Detroit cheering Friday after they stopped a terrorist from blowing up the plane. It's a stirring example of hope. The airliner was heading to Detroit and the passengers wanted to live anyway. (Argus Hamilton)

      The CIA says it will determine if more could have been done to stop the Christmas Day Bomber. That is besides letting him walk right through security and board a plane while carrying a bomb. (Jim Barach)

      President Obama has ordered a review of key parts of aviation security. Specifically, the part where you look for the terrorist, the part where you find the terrorist and the part where you arrest the terrorist. (Paul Seaburn)

      Al Qaeda has claimed responsibility for the attempted bombing of that U. S. flight on Christmas Day. Now Homeland Security is saying, "See! We told you it wasn't our fault!" (Wendel Potter)

      Critics are still blasting the TSA for allowing an alleged Nigerian terrorist to board a plane headed to Detroit on Christmas day. Experts say screeners missed several suspicious behaviors, especially the fact that someone was willingly going to Detroit. (Jake Novak)

      A new report says the CIA failed to share a report about alleged plane bomber Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab. That's because all the other security agencies were only interested in the pictures the CIA had of Tiger Woods' mistresses. (Jake Novak)

      It’s possible the alleged hijacker has an innocent defense for setting off an explosive device close to landing. Being on a Northwest plane he may have just been trying to wake up the pilots. (Janice Hough)

      For the second time in two days, an alleged terrorist has been taken off a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit. From now on, everyone boarding this plane will be asked to sing at least four tunes made famous by The Temptations TSA officials say on-duty inspectors will be forced to pay attention an extra 5 minutes per shift. Personally, I don't trust anyone who has chosen to fly to Detroit. (Jerry Perisho)

      You'd think that our airport security wouldn't stink, considering that those T. S.A. guys have all of our mouthwash, toothpaste, and deodorant over three ounces. (Neil Berliner)


      The code name for Tiger Woods' pet pickup line is "a good approach shot." (Dwight Perry)

      Cuba Gooding, Jr may star in a movie about Tiger Woods. Only this time his signature line will be “Show me the honey.” (Bill Littlejohn)

      A new audio version of Tiger Woods' "How I Play Golf" book is due out this spring. The CD and MP3 versions will contain bonus tracks with Tiger's greatest booty call voice mail messages to his mistresses. (Jake Novak)

      A new app, “FindmyIphone” locates your phone anywhere in the world. It can make it beep, display a message “Hey, return my phone,” or destroy personal data. Now THERE’s a product for Tiger to sponsor. (Janice Hough)

      AT&T has dropped Tiger Woods as a spokesman. The millions of dollars that will cost him for his wandering eye could be the biggest roaming charge in history. (Jim Barach)

      AT&T has dumped Tiger Woods. He may not even realize though, as they tried to notify him on the AT&T network. (Neil Berliner)

      Golf Digest is suspending Woods’ monthly columns: “In the meantime, Penthouse Forum wants to print them.” (Bill Littlejohn) (Janice Hough)

      Not all of Tiger's corporate sponsors have bailed out. Until an ugly mistress turns up, Lasik Eye Center is standing by him. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Postal Service just announced plans to honor Tiger Woods by putting his photograph on the overnight stamp. (Argus Hamilton)

      You know you're at a bad holiday party whenTiger Woods keeps hogging all the time under the mistletoe. (Derek Wilken)


      In Hawaii Monday, Pres. Obama abruptly left the golf course and rushed back to the compound where his family is staying. Nobody was sick or injured, but when you hear Tiger Woods might be nearby, you hustle back home to check on the wife. (Jerry Perisho)


      Don’t you want to be on the Hawaii tourist board now? Obama, Palin and Limbaugh agree on only one thing, where to vacation. (Janice Hough)

      Consumers in Washington, D.C. will now have to pay a tax on paper and plastic shopping bags. The only bags not taxed in Washington are the ones used stuffed with bribes to members of Congress. (Jake Novak)

      California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is asking President Obama for help with his state's $21 Billion deficit. That's like Lakers coach Phil Jackson asking Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy for advice after losing a game. (Jim Barach)

      A drunk man in Ohio paid $72 for one taco at a Taco Bell, refused his change and said "Merry Christmas" as he was leaving. Normally, when a Taco Bell taco costs you $72, it's because the emergency room wants you to cover your co-pay. (Jerry Perisho)


      Ford is now offering buyouts to tens of thousands of its UAW employees. In other words, Ford will be paying them not to work as opposed to what it does now, which is paying them to pretend to work. (Jake Novak)


      I'm surprised that no one has branded the underwear bomber: Fruit of the Boom. (Wally Zebco)


      Canada is banning most carry on luggage on U. S. bound flights. Anything to make the men stop bringing in those Speedos to wear on the beach. (Jim Barach)

      Ross Rebagliati, federal Liberal candidate for Okanagan-Coquihalla, says in his new book he tested positive for marijuana several times in the six months before winning gold in Nagano, but still claims it was from second-hand smoke. This bodes well for his political aspirations; he appears to have a lot of friends in high places. . (RJ Currie)


      The Mayor of Moscow has banned snow from falling in the city. Now we know where that army general got the idea to ban pregnancy by soldiers in Iraq. (Jim Barach)


      Israel has announced plans to build 700 new apartments in East Jerusalem, outraging thousands of Palestinians who say they may not have the manpower to blow them up. (Jake Novak)


      The Chinese promote a feng shui climate approach: put the couch facing the wall instead of the window. (Michael Feldman)


      Two 20-year-old men caught biking in the nude in Whangamata, New Zealand, somehow got off with just a warning. For not wearing a helmet. "They wanted to experience total freedom, They didn't seem drunk at all. That's what worried me." (Constable Cathy Duder)


      Japanese researchers have succeeded in developing see-through goldfish with translucent scales and skin. That makes flushing dead ones down the toilet much less traumatic on your kids. (Jerry Perisho)


      A study says that champagne can keep away strokes and heart attacks. Mostly because people who can afford to drink champagne are the only ones who can afford health insurance. (Jim Barach)

      It turns out that 2009 for the swine flu was a win-win year: H won, N won. (Paul Feehan)


      Brett Favre took a pounding from the Panthers' Julius Peppers Talk about a seasoned veteran. (RJ Currie)

      Jason Bay will apparently turn down many other high-paying suitors to sign with the New York Mets. Of course, the Mets offered an extra inducment beyond money – Octobers off. (Janice Hough)

      After initially saying he would resign because of health reasons, Florida Head Coach Urban Meyer now says he is just taking a short leave of absence. Meyer is reportedly getting a doctor's note from the same physician who makes sure all his best players get excused from class. (Jake Novak)

      Florida Coach Urban Meyer’s retirement lasted about 24 hours. “Amateur” said Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

      Texas Tech football coach Mike Leach is seeking a court order that would allow him to coach the team in the Alamo Bowl on Jan. 2. This is the first time a Leach made college football headlines who wasn’t a sports agent. (Jerry Perisho)

      The St Louis Rams only need to lose again next Sunday to lock up the number one pick in next year’s NFL draft. Let’s hope in the interests of the integrity of the game that they don’t pull their starters in the 3rd quarter and mess up their streak. (Janice Hough)

      A lot of college football on New Year’s Day. The spoils of a January 1 bowl appearance are something. Universities reap million dollar paydays. Players get a high five. (Alan Ray)

      Lots of football games on TV over the next few days. A postseason appearance means a 7 figure pay day for the university. The school can then go out and buy even better players. (Alan Ray)

      The Toronto Maple Leafs end the year as the NHL's most valuable team for the fourth time in a row, with Forbes magazine estimating their 2009 worth at over $470 million. Who knew there was so much value in laughing stock? . (RJ Currie)

      In a recent poll, 63 percent of Americans said they wanted to institute a college football playoff system and do away with the BCS. Amazing, didn’t realize 37 percent of Americans were SEC fans. Most Americans, however, did not want Congress to get involved in a college football playoff system. Probably because it would end up taking six months and costing half a trillion dollars. (Janice Hough)

      The National Football League is planning a study of brains to measure the impact of concussions. When asked if he had been approached to donate his, Steve Young said he couldn't remember. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Jim Zorn is expected to be fired after next week as coach for the Washington Redskins. He said last week that ‘better days were ahead.” Starting, presumably, by no longer having to coach the Redskins. (Janice Hough)

      A 54-year-old man from Cochrane, Alberta, plans to complete 250 marathons this year for his New Year's resolution. He originally planned on 365 marathons, but his doctor felt it would be bad for him in the long run. (RJ Currie)


      Watch for it soon on Fox: directly from France, the new TV dance competition, "So You Think You Can Can-Can." (Paul Feehan)

      In Colorado, Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen for domestic violence on Christmas; where is Aspen? In Charlie’s case his Aspen in jail. (Alex Kaseberg)

      New Year's Eve is Thursday. Screaming and yelling, drinking unbelievable amounts of alcohol, acting bizarrely. Or, as Charlie Sheen might call it, "Thursday." (Alan Ray)

      In Colorado, Charlie Sheen was arrested for domestic assault, Sheen, who has a history of violent relationships, including shooting fiancé, Kelly Preston; Sheen should consider going back to prostitutes, when it comes to women, Charlie has better luck renting than owning. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Charlie Sheen and his wife may be getting a divorce. He claims his Christmas Day attack on his wife where she alleges he held a knife to her throat was just his way of giving her a surprise cutlery gift set. (Jim Barach)

      Charlie Sheen's wife says she was drunk and didn't know what she was doing. Now I'm confused. Was this Christmas eve or when she married him? (Bill Williams)


      A study says that Internet users are online an average of thirteen hours a week. Which is the amount of time most men are at home while their wives are gone. (Jim Barach)


      Rush Limbaugh was taken to a hospital while vacationing in Hawaii. He had almost died of shock when he heard that Obama was there doing the same thing. (Alex Schubert)

      Regarding Rush Limbaugh, who at the time of this writing is in a Hawaii hospital. If I were a perfect person I would wish him the best. As an imperfect person I just wish him the same level of healthcare he wishes for the average American. (Janice Hough)

      Ivana Trump was escorted off a plane in Florida after becoming belligerent to authorities after cursing at children on the plane. She may face charges which could result in jail time or her own reality show. (Jim Barach)

      Kim Kardashian is starring in a parody of her sex tape in a new TV commercial for Carl's Jr. restaurants, promoting their salads. No word on whether that's with or without dressing. (Jim Barach)

      Former Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker has just become engaged at age 82. Shares of Viagra maker Pfizer are up 17% on the news. (Jake Novak)

      "US" magazine reports "New Moon's", Taylor Lautner and singer, Taylor Swift, have broken up; thus ends the classic saga, The Tale of Two Taylors. As far as their relationship, apparently Swift was, like, whatever, and Lautner was all, as if. Another close source says the strain of having the same name became too much; "OMG, someone would, like, say Taylor and they were, all, like, which one?" (Alex Kaseberg)


      The Gene Autry museum has begun programs and exhibits about the gay cowboy on the American frontier. It turns out "Oklahoma" was really a documentary. (Bill Williams)

      A new survey shows that 96 per cent of women have regretted throwing away a pair of shoes, while only 15 per cent felt sorry at dumping a boyfriend. In a related story, Kate Hudson and A-Rod have reportedly split up; she felt they weren't sole mates. (RJ Currie)


      Friday is New Year's Day. The Rose Parade down Colorado Boulevard in Pasadena is always the most unique sight. Traffic in Southern California that's actually moving. (Alan Ray)

      New Year’s Day is Friday. There’s only one thing you can say to someone who’s had way too much to drink the night before. “Your bail is set at $100,000, Mr. Sheen?” (Alan Ray)

      Boxing Day, for what it’s worth, is a British holiday celebrated in various parts of the old commonwealth. It has nothing to do with the Pacquaio-Mayweather fight, or for that matter, Charlie Sheen. (Janice Hough)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...