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92Special Humerus News Tiger Woods Edition

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  • Stan Kegel
    Dec 5, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-05-09 TIGER WOODS EDITION
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      Tiger, tiger, burning bright
      In the bedrooms of the night,
      What immoral thief or felon
      Could do such a thing to Elin?
      (Conrad L. Macina)

      Tiger, tiger, golfer bright.
      Sneaking out in the middle of the night.
      Wife in hot pursuit huffing and puffing.
      Did she give him the boot for not eating the stuffing?
      Or perhaps to have the last word,
      After he basted the wrong bird?
      (Karen Lyons Kalmenson)

      What's the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards

      Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one. (Gill Ross)

      Denny's is now offering a Tiger Woods breakfast: Swedish pancakes with your choice of side dishes. (Tim Hunter)

      It was Mrs. Woods, in the driveway, with the golf club (fark.com)

      Tiger Woods was really caught red handed by his wife. When she accused him of acting like a dog, the first thing he did was leave his mark on a fire hydrant and tree. (Jim Barach)

      With Tiger dropping out of his own golf tournament this weekend, at least we know he won't be playing a round.....or, golfing, for that matter. (Tim Hunter)

      At 2:30 am, Tiger Woods should have called for a driver.

      Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade into a fire hydrant and tree right outside his house. Right after the accident, his caddy released a statement saying they are working on improving his short drive. (Pedro Bartes)

      Tiger Woods reportedly crashed his car into a fire hydrant and a tree outside his home. Officials say the accident is under investigation. They're probably as shocked as the rest of us that Tiger hit both a tree and a water hazard on the same drive. (RJ Currie)

      Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree ... he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

      Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree while backing out of his driveway in his Escalade. Scrutiny was intense. Johnny Miller said considering the narrowness of the driveway and the placement of the fire hydrant, he should have gone with the Buick. (Argus Hamilton)

      Tiger Woods disclosed today that the reason he won't meet with police is that it would only lead to an argument and then he'd have to go with his arresting officer to the White House for a beer. (Scott Witt)

      What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.

      Tiger Woods apologized on Wednesday for marital 'transgressions.' After seeing what Elin Nordegren did with an golf iron, Tiger better watch his putter. (RJ Currie)

      This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs. (Jay Leno)

      I hear Elin Woods went out clubbing the other night - wow what a swinger, even her husband couldn't keep up and crashed out early.

      That's the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards

      More and more women now say they have had affairs with Tiger. Man, they are coming out of the Woods! (Pedro Bartes)

      Tiffany's profit is up higher than expected this year. If they think business is good now, just wait until Tiger Woods begs for forgiveness from his wife. (Jim Barach)

      Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.

      Tiger Woods actually drove his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree over the holiday weekend. You may be saying, "Isn't THAT par for the course?" but actually, it's one under. Like any good golfer, Tiger blamed everything on the driver he was using. (Tim Hunter)

      Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade into a fire hydrant and tree right outside his house. Right after the accident, his caddy released a statement saying they are working on improving his short drive. (Pedro Bartes)

      Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is Elin.

      Tigers wife went for him over a birdie.

      What was the second worst part of Tigers car accident? The police found the driver in the trunk.

      A rare, 5-carat pink diamond was auctioned off for a record $10.8 million in Hong Kong on Tuesday. And now everybody in the world knows what Tiger Wood’s wife is getting for Christmas. (Pedro Bartes)

      What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

      So, starting to put things together: Tiger's car crashes, wife holding golf club...hmmm....I'm thinking Tiger's injuries were probably the result of penalty strokes. (Tim Hunter)

      Tiger Woods and his wife Elin are undergoing intense counseling at home. Apparently it is going much better since the body armor Tiger ordered finally arrived. (Jim Barach)

      Tough year for Tiger. Second time he has been beaten by a nine iron

      The traffic side of the Tiger Woods saga is over with Tiger receiving a ticket for reckless driving and a fine of $164. Tiger offered to pay the fine in cash asking the police; “Do you have change for a ten million dollar bill?” (Alex Kaseberg)

      According to a police report, Tiger Woods pulled out of his driveway about 2:25 a. m. Friday, struck a fire hydrant and then a tree. Then he took a two collision penalty and finished the round four crashes over par. (Jake Novak)

      I hear all of his fellow golfers are trying to contact his wife and find out which club it takes to beat Tiger.

      Tiger Woods drives into a water hazard

      Tiger Woods was found by cops Thursday lying on the street bleeding with his Swedish blonde wife standing over him with a six-iron. How chilling. It made people wonder for the first time in fifteen years if it's possible that O.J. killed Nicole in self-defense.

      After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.

      The Tiger Woods sex scandal seems to be slowing down. All comedy writers can do now is sit and wait patiently until Tiger shoots a 69 or a hole in one. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gillette after admitting that his crash was the closest shave he had ever had.

      Give poor Tiger some credit, at least he didn't claim to be heading out for a moonlight walk on the Appalachian trail. (Janice Hough)

      Experts believe Tiger Woods might have problems with some of his sponsors. Like, would you use AT&T knowing that 300 text messages and a phone call can cost you a fortune? (Pedro Bartes)

      Might be Tiger's shortest drive in history. Although presumably he was driving out of some deep rough. (Janice Hough)

      Tiger Woods' wife Elin is reportedly reworking their pre-nuptial contract. The worst part was when she asked Tiger how to spell "neutered". (Jim Barach)

      After the accident he called 1st: his attorney, 2nd: his agent, 3rd: Kobe Bryant's Jeweler.

      Do you think caddie Stevie kept everyone quiet in her backswing ?

      This was no accident, this is a Nike Ad for a new rescue club.

      According to TMZ, Tiger Woods’ wife chased him with a golf club and swung it against the car after a heated argument. And today she got an invitation to play in LPGA. (Pedro Bartes)

      Tiger Woods has admitted to committing "transgressions" against his family, like the time he and his mistress went into his wife's bedroom and asked if they could play through. (Jake Novak)

      Nike issued a statement of support for Tiger Woods on its website. Tiger loves Nike so much he is now carrying its logo engraved on his forehead. (Pedro Bartes)
      Speaking from West Point, N.Y., the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods’s mansion in Orlando. Peacekeeping forces. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Tiger drives his Escalade, hits a tree, hits a fire hydrant, goes airborne and lands on a stranger's front lawn. So "Is Tigers' Caddie on the green in two? "

      I'm not surprised to hear about Tiger's crash - he hasn't been able to drive straight for years

      Several more women are now claiming to have had affairs with Tiger Woods. No one should be surprised since we all know that wherever he goes, Tiger likes to play 18 holes. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Tiger Woods and his wife Elin are reportedly going through intense marriage counseling following allegations of numerous affairs. Woods agreed to the counseling sessions provided Elin leaves her golf clubs at home. (Jim Barach)

      Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. Said the clubs are to be named Elin Woods... and marketed as "clubs you can beat Tiger with."

      Claims that Elin Woods was using a golf club as a "Rescue Club" now have been proved to be untrue as it now appears she was actually trying to knock the shit out of the Driver.

      Well, this week does answer those who say Tiger never really connects with "playing partners." (Janice Hough)

      The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger."

      Everyone's talking about Tiger Woods and his problems. Tiger this... Tiger that... Hollywood's already in preproduction on a movie of the week: "Crouching Tiger. Hitting Spouse

      Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still not up to par.

      I find it's a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can't see the Woods for the trees.

      Apparently, the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said, “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 5.”

      A rare, 5-carat pink diamond was auctioned off in Hong Kong on Tuesday for $10.8 million. FedEx said it should arrive at Tiger Woods house in Orlando by Friday. (Jerry Perisho)

      If the only person that can beat Tiger is a blonde with big breasts, it’s time for Phil Mickelson to bleach his hair.

      Jesper Parnevik has apologized to Elin Woods for introducing her to Tiger in the first place while she was the Parneviks' nanny. Judging by his recent behavior, Tiger was in more of a need of a nanny than a wife. (Jim Barach)

      Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

      Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn’t fare very well on the driveway.

      Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems. Apparently, Tiger’s spraying his balls everywhere.

      It turns out that fixing Tiger’s game and fixing his marriage both require the same thing: better control over his putz.

      Tiger Woods and his wife Elin had a pre-nupt. Now the question is, does she have $300-million worth of forgiveness in her heart? (Tim Hunter)

      Why was Tiger’s wife mad at him? She heard that he played a round in Australia.

      Tiger Woods was injured when he crashed his Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant and tree. There is speculation his GPS failed, which places the blame on a bad read from his Caddy. (Jim Barach)

      After his traffic accident near his home in Florida, golfer Tiger Woods will receive a ticket with a $164 fine and 4 points on his driver's license. $164?? Tiger spent more than that on his long distance call to get the name of Kobe Bryant's jeweler. (Jerry Perisho)

      Continued stonewalling just doesn't seem to make helping Tiger in the public relations department. You would think the best and perhaps smarter golfer in the world would know when to just take the penalty for an unplayable lie. (Janice Hough)

      What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence? TIGER’S WIFE MAKES THE CUT

      If there is anything that can be learned from Tiger Wood's problems at home, it is that men should never let their wives or girlfriends learn how to swing a golf club. (Jim Barach)

      Tiger Woods called his wife Elin Nordegren a hero following his car accident for her using a golf club to smash the rear window of the SUV to help get him out. No wonder people were suspicious. Since when does a man appreciate his wife's backseat driving? (RJ Currie)

      Given Tiger’s racial heritage can we call this a Black Thai affair?

      Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.

      Golfing great Tiger Woods withdrew from his own golf tournament Monday, citing injuries from his recent car crash. The tournament is in California, where every married man has been hit with a 4-iron by at least one woman. (Jerry Perisho)

      What do Tiger and the Beatles have in common? They both experienced a hit with Norwegian Wood.

      First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger: Who are you? And what are all these trees doing in my living room?

      Tiger Wood’s shirt is all red- problem is, there’s no tournament, and his veins are a pint low.

      It has been such a horrible week for Tiger Woods, first the accident, then the allegations about his wife, the waitress’s voice mail. But it could have been worse. He could have been a Net’s fan. (Pedro Bartes)

      Passenger safety at GM is an issue after Tiger Woods wife showed how easy you can bust an Escalade's window with a putter. (Jerry Perisho)

      Tiger Woods is remaining silent about his accident. Eyewitnesses describe the scene. After he got out of the wrecked SUV, the crowd that had gathered gave him polite applause. (Jake Novak)

      Tiger Woods is in a lot of trouble. Not only are rumors flying about an alleged affair, he crashed his Cadillac Escalade into a tree. Now the environmentalists are mad. A gas guzzler into a tree! Now Al Gore will get into it. (Jay Leno)

      Tiger’s Caddy: “I can’t believe she used the wrong club.” (Doug Johnson)

      Tiger Woods is used to shouts of “Fore” after a golf swing, not shouts of "9-1-1!” (Gil Stern)

      With the marrying-a-model and driving-into-fixed-objects legs completed, Tiger is but a dueling-piano-tour-with-Elton-John segment shy of completing his life-quest Billy Joel hat trick. (Top Five)

      With all these women claiming they've had affairs with Tiger Woods, it makes me think he's considering politics. (Tim Hunter)

      Everybody talks about Tiger Woods’ ethnicity: he is half-Black, half-Asian, and now half-rich. (Pedro Bartes)

      Tiger Woods’ image has taken a serious hit that may negatively affect his marketing endorsements.While we may no longer see him on boxes of Wheaties breakfast cereal, he is working on a deal with the folks at Safelite Auto Glass. (Jerry Perisho)

      After cancelling three meetings with police, Tiger Woods has announced he will simply not give a statement to law enforcement about his one-car crash. Which is odd, normally it doesn't take Tiger that long to figure out how to play a bad lie. (Janice Hough)

      In a development that rocked the worlds of sports and politics, golf superstar Tiger Woods announced today that he was hanging up his clubs to become a politician. "After two days of refusing to speak to the media about suspicious aspects of my personal life, I have proved to myself that I am qualified for a career in politics," Mr. Woods told reporters in Orlando. His stunning decision immediately drew praise from such disparate politicians as Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina and Sen. John Ensign of Nevada, who called a press conference to welcome Mr. Woods to the Republican Party. "Tiger Woods has not yet revealed what his party affiliation will be, but based on what I've seen, he has what it takes to be a Republican," Sen. Ensign said. (Andy Borowitz)

      Tiger Woods smashed into a fire hydrant and a tree outside his neighbor's house early Friday morning and suffered some facial lacerations "in the crash" It's the worst injury he's had since that night in college when he accidentally fell off the ball washer. (Jerry Perisho)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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