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  • Stan Kegel
    Aug 1, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-01-09


      Daily Show" host Jon Stewart is now America's most trusted newscaster,
      according to an online poll conducted by Time magazine. The results
      shouldn't be surprising. Everyone knows that if you want honest news,
      you go to Comedy Central, whereas if you want straight comedy, you
      turn on FOX News. (Daniel Kurtzman)

      Walter Cronkite's pallbearers included Mike Wallace, Don Hewitt, and
      Andy Rooney. No wonder the funeral procession required a lot more than
      60 minutes. (Marc Ragovin)

      President Obama has been trying to cut the defense budget. Alas, he
      may need to increase our surveillance budget, now that Sarah Palin is
      retired and no longer keeping an eye on Russia from her house. (Janice

      Yesterday, of course, on Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said that he
      believes President Obama is a racist. Well, to be fair, every time you
      watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      A Missouri car dealer is offering new truck buyers a free AK-47
      automatic weapon. In other words, he is inviting people – during tough
      economic times – to come to his business and providing them with a
      lethal weapon as well as a means of escape. What could possibly go
      wrong? (Alex Kaseberg)

      So the latest names on the 2003 Steroid list are David Ortiz and Manny
      Ramirez. Ortiz may have jeopardized his baseball reputation, but with
      that level of hypocrisy he's well on his way to Congress. (Janice Hough)

      The internet is flooded with stories of racial profiling. Here's a
      transcript of a 911 call from earlier this year in Washington D. C.
      We only have the dispatcher's side of the conversation. "Washington
      Metro Police. What is your emergency?... You see a black man breaking
      into a house? What's the address?... Uh, No, we ELECTED him, Mr.
      Limbaugh." (Rich Orwell)

      An online auction is expected to bring $40,000 for two cassettes of
      naughty messages that Madonna left on her boyfriend's answering
      machine. You see, if Madonna does that, people call the recordings
      "collectibles"; if a man does it, they call them "evidence." (Bill

      The U.S. government plans to increase funding to battle obesity. You
      think more government pork is going to help people lose weight?
      (Pedro Bartes)

      The $1 billion "Cash for Clunkers" program is already out of money
      after one week. The government says it didn't expect so many people to
      participate, just like it's not expecting anyone to get sick one we
      get socialized health care. (Jake Novak)

      Nineteen people were arrested in Connecticut for allegedly running a
      finch- and canary-fighting ring. The culprits at first denied the
      charges, but when questioned further they sang like, well, canaries.
      They were placed in jail without bail because the they were considered
      a flight risk. (Alex Kaseberg)

      South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says that the publicity from his
      admitted affair made him feel like he was at his own funeral. He wife
      says if he does it again it can be arranged. (Jim Barach)


      When Alaska was bought it came to be called Seward's folly. Now that
      Palin decided to resign her office, we know Alaska as being Sarah's
      folly? (Gil Stern)

      Former Governor Sarah Palin, she's rumored to be interested in a new
      career as a talk radio host. It's a four-hour show but she'll be gone
      after two. Of course, you have to remember, radio host is now the most
      powerful position in the Republican Party. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Doctors have finally discovered what causes Sarah Palin to say the
      dumb things she says. The ex-Alaska Governor has a softening of the
      brain condition known as "Mavrickets." (Frank King)

      With her memoir due out next spring, Sarah Palin may be interested in
      a career as a radio host. She was a sportscaster at Anchorage's NBC
      affiliate, KTTU, in the late 1980s. She was great at calling the game,
      but she always packed up and went home at half-time. (Jerry Perisho)

      At first, folks, I was devastated. And then I saw the bright side.
      Sarah Palin is free! She can finally spread her wings and fly - in a
      helicopter - to shoot wolves. (Stephen Colbert )

      When you have 15 months to go in your first term in office, I don't
      think that's lame duck status. I think it's just -- you're bored. (Jon

      Sarah Palin announced she's leaving as governor of Alaska and
      everybody said "Well, what is she going to do?" She wants to host a
      radio show, like a daily talk show. And of course, with that, she's
      going to have to tell people when she's winking.(David Letterman)

      Being so close to Canada, Palin missed her chance. Obama's candidacy
      motto was, "Yes, We Can." Hers could've been, "Yes, Yukon!" (Gil Stern)

      One thing we learned from Governor Palin's farewell speech is that she
      really loves the Second Amendment. Or, as she calls it, "Number 2 With
      a Bullet." (Paul Feehan)

      During the weekend, Alaskans had a three day picnic with Sarah Palin,
      an annual tradition for Alaska governors. They played tons of games,
      but nobody wanted to play with Palin because she would quit in the
      middle of the game. (Pedro Bartes)

      Sarah Palin attended three picnics in three days this weekend before
      leaving office – one in her hometown of Wasilla on Friday, the second
      in Anchorage on Saturday, and the third in Fairbanks on Sunday. What
      do you serve a Governor who is bailing out half way through her term?
      The Early Bird Special, of course. (Jerry Perisho)


      Birther: A conspiracy theorist who believes that Barack Obama is
      ineligible for the Presidency of the United States, based on any
      number of claims related to his place of birth, birth certificate,
      favorite birthday, or whether or not he has heard the song Africa by
      Toto. (urbandictionary.com)

      There is one thing we know for sure. Barack Obama was not born in the
      United States, making him constitutionally ineligible to serve as
      president. You see, I'm a member of the proud 'birther' movement --
      made up of decent, old-fashioned Americans who just want to overturn a
      democratic election. (Stephen Colbert)

      The birthers believe that the President was secretly born in Kenya,
      not in Hawaii. I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.
      But Kenya makes no sense. Listen, if Barack Obama had been born in
      Kenya, don't you think Madonna would have adopted him by now? (Jimmy

      President Obama invited the Cambridge cop and the black professor to
      the White House to settle things over a beer. Both parties still
      insist they're in the right. Hopefully, everybody brings a designated
      driver. I can't see Michelle letting these guys sleep it off on the
      White House couches. (Joe Hickman)

      President Obama held a truce parley between the black professor and
      the Boston cop Thursday. None of the three were willing to apologize.
      They couldn't agree on anything until Obama finally persuaded them to
      issue a joint statement blaming Israel. (Argus Hamilton)

      In an effort to foster better understanding between police and the
      people they have recently handcuffed in their own homes, President
      Barack Obama today named this Thursday "Drink a Beer With Someone Who
      Arrested You Day." (Andy Borowitz)

      But it's all coming out okay, because Obama today spoke to Officer
      Crowley on the phone. He said he was a good man, a good policeman, and
      they could find common ground. Although he did find it strange at the
      end of their conversation that Crowley demanded to see his birth
      certificate. (Bill Maher)

      President Obama had his so-called "beer summit" at the White House
      this evening. It was a chance to sit down with Dr. Henry Louis Gates,
      the Harvard professor who was arrested after breaking into his own
      house, and Sergeant James Crowley, the policeman who arrested him. And
      there was one awkward moment, they say, when Crowley asked Obama for
      some ID, but he was just kidding it turned out. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Everybody in Washington, DC, helped out to make the big kegger quite a
      success. And I thought this was nice. To show that there are no hard
      feelings anywhere, toward the end of the evening, Bill Clinton, former
      President Bill Clinton, that Bill Clinton, brought over a stripper.
      (David Letterman)

      The White House researched the ancestry of Sergeant Crowley and
      Professor Gates Wednesday and found they both descend from the same
      fourth-century Irish warlord. Homeland Security is way out of control.
      Now you're not allowed in the White House until they have done a
      background check on you all the way back to the fourth century.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      I don't know if this is a case of racism. The police in Cambridge say
      it had nothing to do with Gates being black. They said they would have
      given the same treatment to any minority. (Bill Maher)


      Republican Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky announced Monday that he
      would not seek re-election in 2010. But he is going to finish out his
      term; what an un-Republican thing to do! (Jerry Perisho)

      The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox
      users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were
      horrified. It's difficult to tell. (Craig Ferguson)

      Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When
      they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's
      face tried to make. (Conan O'Brien)


      California's Gov. Schwarzenegger signed an $85 million budget on
      Tuesday that he said contained "the good, the bad and the ugly" Based
      on that description, it sounds like he's funding the Lakers, the
      Warriors, and the Clippers. (Jerry Perisho)

      The schedule for next year's Iowa caucuses has been announced. And
      Jewish voters are upset because the caucus is being held on Saturday,
      which means they can't attend. This could reduce the number of voters
      in the Iowa caucus by almost two. (Conan O'Brien)


      The city of Oakland, California will tax medical marijuana to fill a
      budget shortfall. You won't see a lot of protest. Patients don't mind
      taking an enormous hit. (Alan Ray)

      Nineteen people were arrested in Connecticut for allegedly running a
      finch- and canary-fighting ring. Police were tipped off when they
      received an anonymous tweet. (Doug Austen)

      The Mayor of Hoboken, New Jersey, was arrested on corruption charges
      for allegedly taking tens of thousands of dollars in bribes. He has
      only been in office three weeks. Or as they call that in Illinois, a
      fast learner. (Janice Hough)

      The L.A. Police Department was freed from federal oversight Thursday
      after eight years. They can no longer use the consent warrant. That's
      where one cop knocks on your front door then another cop runs around
      to your back door and shouts, "Come in!" (Argus Hamilton)


      We have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as
      high as a kite and going around in circles. (Tasmania Attourney-
      General Lara Giddings)


      Terrell Owens doesn't yet have his first catch as a Buffalo Bill, but
      he has his own cereal, T.O's "Honey Toasted Oat"s, made by the same
      New York company that made "Flutie Flakes." They chose Toasted Oat
      cereal because T.O. and Flake were redundant. (Janice Hough)

      Yesterday, Chicago White Sox, pitcher Mark Buehrle threw a perfect
      game. And afterwards he had a five-minute phone conversation with
      President Obama, which was very cool. Meanwhile, the losing pitcher
      got a two-hour phone call from Joe Biden. (Conan O'Brien)

      After world records were broken with a new faster body suit at the
      World Championships, swimming is going to ban the use of the new
      suits. Good. If swimmers want an unfair advantage they are going to
      have to get it the old fashioned way: performance enhancing drugs.
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      Tony Romo has apparently banned Jessica Simpson from his house.
      Apparently the breakup is pretty final. Poor Jessica, had she just
      dated someone like Brett Favre, the relationship would be back on and
      off at least a few more times. (Janice Hough)

      Former Atlanta Falcons and dog fighting aficionado Michael Vick has
      been conditionally reinstated by the NFL. The condition is he has to
      wait until October to play in a game, and he has to practice every day
      against a team of angry Dobermans. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated by the NFL
      immediately, and suggested that any thought of extending the
      quarterback's suspension would be similar to "kicking a dead horse."
      At least he didnt say kicking a "dead dog." T. O. thinks banishment
      should be reserved for really serious crimes. Like not passing him the
      ball. (Janice Hough)

      Shaquille O'Neal revealed on Twitter that he was denied entry to the
      White House after he walked up to the front gate. When the guard
      phoned that a scary bald man was there to see the President, Obama
      said, "Tell Biden I'm busy." (Jerry Perisho)

      Earlier this week — this is weird, I just found out about this —
      Shaquille O'Neal stopped by the White House unannounced to see
      President Obama, but a Secret Service agent turned him away. That
      really happened. The agent told Shaq to make an appointment and to
      someday make a free throw. (Conan O'Brien)

      Outspoken vehement anti-steroid slugger, Boston Red Sox's David Ortiz,
      is the latest big name to leak out of the MLB steroid user list of
      2003. If this list leaked any slower it would need to take Flomax.
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Yankees had a family picnic last Sunday and Alex Rodriquez was
      there and he was kissing Kate Hudson. Here's the sad part. Mariano
      Rivera had to close. (David Letterman)

      If you are thinking you would like to get Alex Rodriquez a gift for
      his 34th birthday, by gosh, you can't go wrong with clean urine.
      (David Letterman)

      Lebron James revealed in a new book that he smoked marijuana in high
      school. As opposed to the most of the rest of the NBA, who probably
      smoked it last night? (Janice Hough)

      Hear about the new Ken Griffey Jr. wine? Limited-edition bottles of
      Junior 600, a 2005 cabernet sauvignon from Chateau Ste. Michelle, go
      for $250 and benefit local charities. But there is no truth to the
      rumor that Sammy Sosa corked it. (Dwight Perry)

      The latest Japanese sports craze is beach sumo wrestling. Those guys
      will never get all the sand out. (Steve Schrader)

      Barry Bonds still insists he did not use steroids, despite witnesses
      saying he was given them.. But maybe Bonds has a point. Being given
      something doesn't necessarily mean using it. All the SF Giants hitters
      this year, for instance, were given a supply of bats. (Janice Hough)

      NBA player Quentin Richardson has been traded three times this summer.
      Q is weighing his next sponsor options: Nike, Reebok or U-Haul.
      (Torben Rolfsen)

      In the first ever Notre Dame Japan Bowl, played in the Tokyo Done, the
      Notre Dame Legends, a group of football alumni dating back to the
      1970s, beat Team Japan 19-3. Leaving aside all the jokes about the
      Fighting Irish finally finding a bowl they can win, the Japan team has
      asked for an easier opponent next year, like the Detroit Lions.
      (Janice Hough)

      Earl Robinson helped me write my Hall of Fame induction speech. Speech
      and me don't get along sometimes. (Rickey Henderson)

      The San Francisco Giants pitching staff recorded their major league
      leading fourteenth shutout Wednesday. Which is doubly impressive
      considering they never got to pitch against their own team. (Janice

      If David Beckham goes into the stands after a heckling fan, does that
      count toward total game attendance? (Mike Penner)

      Vincente Padilla of the Texas Rangers has swine flu but will pitch
      through it as "apparently" he is not contagious. Maybe to be safe, the
      Rangers should trade Padilla to the Nationals, they can't catch

      Just wondering, do both of Ron Artest's personalities count against
      the Lakers' salary cap? (Jim Armstrong)

      Mexico beat the US soccer national team 5-0. Apparently the US
      national team was formed by border patrol officers and that's why they
      couldn't stop any of the Mexican players. (Pedro Bartes)

      South Florida Sun-Sentinal headline on the Brooklyn Cyclones "Salute
      to Pregnancy Night": GET HER SOME PICKLES AND CRACKER JACKS (Mike


      I guess next week, Obama is going sit down with Jon and Kate to see if
      he can't patch that up too. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Hollywood Wax Museum opened Tuesday where customers were
      encouraged to hug and kiss their favorite stars. The figures are
      incredibly true-to-life. They're made out of the same wax, plastic and
      silicone that real celebrities are made out of. (Argus Hamilton)

      Wednesday was game-show host Alex Trebek's 69th birthday. I'll take
      "Fiber That Isn't Chalky" for $100, please. (Jerry Perisho)


      Fox News reported a fifty percent leap in ratings Monday. They had the
      top ten shows on cable and now their viewership is even higher. The
      idea of combining beauty queens who read the news with political
      commentators still loyal to King George III has turned out to be the
      most successful formula since Coca-Cola had cocaine in it. (Argus

      ESPN has banned New York Post reporters from their programming after
      the newspaper reproduced grainy (and partially blacked out) images
      from the illegal video taken of a nude Erin Andrews. Said the Post in
      response, "We would never try to exploit the situation and by the way,
      that's www.nypost.com." (Janice Hough)

      Well, I've repeatedly stated that President Obama is a citizen of the
      United States. My question is simply, why not provide the long form
      birth certificate and end all of the discussion? (Lou Dobbs)

      With all the evidence I've seen it's pretty obvious Obama was plotting
      to be illegally elected president since before he was born. And yet
      they mocked me when I called him shrewd. (R.Winger Jr)


      When Bernie Madoff read that an Orthodox Jewish man was buying and
      selling human kidneys, he reportedly exclaimed to his cellmate: "See,
      am I so terrible? I just took arms and legs." (Dora Glasberg)

      Paula Abdul said Friday she may be terminated by American Idol this
      fall after eight seasons. She makes four million a year and is
      demanding twelve million. Until something is done about prescription
      drug prices, she cannot afford to work for less. (Argus Hamilton)

      Next month, a 95-year-old Crow Indian chief will receive the
      Presidential Medal of Freedom. When asked about it, the chief said,
      "Great, that should pretty much make up for everything." (Conan O'Brien)

      Michael Jackson's hair strands kept by his Pepsi commercial producer
      were sold to a synthetic gem company Friday and will be crushed into
      two-carat diamonds. The choice wasn't difficult. You can clone him
      from the hair and wait years for him to learn how to dance, or you can
      crush the hair into diamonds and get the cash immediately. (Argus

      Investigators looking into the death of Michael Jackson now say the
      evidence shows there's a chance the singer was a drug addict. A
      brilliant deduction brought to you by the same people who think
      Jackson may have had a few plastic surgeries. (Jake Novak)

      South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing
      for his infidelity. Actually, he wrote two. He wrote one editorial for
      the state newspaper apologizing for his adultery and another for
      Penthouse Letters bragging about his staying power. (Argus Hamilton)


      The Church of England has endorsed combining wedding services with
      baptisms after finding that 44% of children are born to unwed mothers.
      Meanwhile, British synagogues are combining the baby boy's bris with
      dad's vasectomy. (Jerry Perisho)


      A pot bust in California netted $1.2 Billion in marijuana along with
      82 arrests. Which was unfortunate because up to that point it was the
      only business in the state that was actually showing a profit. (Jim


      An increasing number of luxury hotels have been entering foreclosure.
      Well, yeah, in these days between the economy and the media, many
      politicians have had to cut back on visits with their mistresses.
      (Janice Hough)

      An MTA employee is under investigation for letting her 8-year-old son
      drive an express subway train on Sunday. For a brief moment Sunday,
      trains ran on-time and under budget. (Jerry Perisho)

      U.S. Airways will offer inflight Internet service for between $6 and
      $13, depending on the length of the flight. That puts the cost right
      between bottled water and a blanket. (Jim Barach)

      Construction of new U.S. homes rose in June to the highest level in
      seven months. Analysts believe the growth will continue as long as
      politicians keep getting kicked out of their homes for cheating on
      their wives. (Pedro Bartes)

      Chrysler says it will double the government offer of $4500 cash for
      clunkers. People with old, worn out cars that get bad mileage can get
      $9,000 and a brand new Chrysler. Otherwise known as a straight across
      trade. (Jim Barach)

      Continental Air Lines is installing live satellite TV on its planes so
      its passengers can be the first to know when the company goes out of
      business. (Jake Novak)

      A Swedish company was fined today after one of their assembly robots
      attacked a human worker. And so it begins. In California, when a robot
      goes crazy, we elect it governor. (Craig Ferguson)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...