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311Weakly Humerus News 05-04-14 -- Part 2 -- The Rest Of The News

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  • Stan Kegel
    May 4 11:47 PM
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-04-14
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      PART 2: THE REST OF THE NEWS

      DONALD STERLING (Addenda)

      BREAKING: Donald Sterling has cancer. RELATED: Prayer works (Warren Holstein)

      It was 92 degrees in Hollywood today, 20 degrees hotter than normal. I think this is God's way of telling us we should all get really dark tans just to freak out Clippers owner Donald Sterling. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Man, it was hot in LA. It was so hot, I was sweating like Donald Sterling at a Jay-Z concert. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      Donald Sterling looking for a place that will be more accepting of his views, is already in talks to buy a NASCAR team. (Adam Wolf)

      The NBA wants to punish Donald Sterling by forcing him to sell the Clippers and then use the proceeds to buy The Harlem Globetrotters. If they really wanted to punish him, they would make him purchase the Washington Generals. (TC Chong) 

      NBA says Donald Sterling must sell his team, which he can't cause while this was happening Putin came & took it.  (Jeff Dwoskin)

      That Clippers owner should try to work out a deal to replace the sponsors he lost by partnering with Chick-Fil-A and Hobby Lobby. (Adam Wolf) 

      The NAACP honoring Donald Sterling is like the Shoah Foundation giving Mel Gibson a Lifetime Achievement Award. (Warren Holstein)

      'm pretending I'm wearing my shirt inside out in solidarity with the Clipper players but in reality I was still drunk when I got dressed. (Adam Wolf)

      Did anyone else notice, in this race controversy with Donald Sterling, that his "girlfriend" is also 60 years younger than him? (Steve Hofstetter)

      Does this mean the LA Clippers are the official basketball team of the Republican party? (Adam Wolf)

      Are Cliven Bundy and Donald Sterling related or just part of the same Klan? (Warren Holstein)

      Washington Redskins fans are wondering if there's any way they could get V. Stiviano (and her recorder) to start hooking up with Daniel Snyder. (Janice Hough)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      In the middle of his second term, President Obama's approval rating once again has dropped. Obama's approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, "I'll take it from here." (David Letterman)

      THE CONGRESS

      GOP senators just blocked raising the U.S. minimum wage to $10.10 an hour. Just for comparison, based on a 40 work week, U.S. Senators make $87.00 an hour plus expenses. (Janice Hough) 

      Congress returned to DC from a break where they went home and did nothing for 2 weeks. Think that’s what is known as a working vacation. (Will Durst)  

      Federal prosecutors will soon charge NY Congressman Michael Grimm over alleged corruption and illegal campaign donations. What, a NY political scandal that doesn't involve sex? (Janice Hough) 

      The “Kissing Congressman,” Vince McAllister, who campaigned on Christian values and was caught on tape with a staffer, says he will not seek re-election. Guess McAllister wants to spend more time lying to his family. (Janice Hough) 

      THE STATES

      A large Budweiser blimp was reported to be floating somewhere above New Jersey after it broke loose over the weekend. Which brings New Jersey’s total of out-of-control blimps to two. (Seth Meyers) 

      This year the Colorado symphony will host a bring-your-own-marijuana concert series, called “Classically Cannabis.” Or if you don’t like classical music, you can attend the bring-your-own-marijuana concert called “any other concert.” (Seth Meyers)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Yeah, in Jamaica. Political analysts are calling it a bold move that could change nothing. (Conan O'Brien) 

      A 28 year old medical student in the U.S. is reportedly offering her virginity for sale, with bids so far up to $550,000. This is one future doctor who is taking her Hippocratic Oath to help others a little too far. (Jim Barach) 

      There were injuries but fortunately no fatalities today when a NY Subway train derailed today in Queens. New Yorkers were stunned, normally the only train wreck in May is the Mets. (Janice Hough) 

      A Pennsylvania judge has approved auctioning off a widow’s home over a tax debt of $6.30. It’s just sad knowing she could have kept that home if she could have only resisted that last Big Mac Extra Value Meal. (Jim Barach) 

      he Beverly Hills Hotel was boycotted by the gays Friday after the hotel owner, the Sultan of Brunei, decreed the death penalty for gay sex in Brunei. This is one of the nicest hotels in the world. At the Beverly Hills Hotel the towels are so thick you can barely close your suitcase. (Argus Hamilton) 

      62 high school students in New Jersey were arrested for breaking into their school and urinating in the hallways. Educators were just happy to know that for once there were actually 60 New Jersey seniors in school at the same time. (Jim Barach)

      U.S. POLITICS & POLITICIANS

      Both gasoline prices and the stock market are at 2014 highs. And the GOP is trying to convince voters President Obama has everything to do with the former, and nothing to do with the latter. (Janice Hough) 

      George W. Bush, in the interview where he says he hopes his brother runs, said "Hey Jeb, if you need some advice, give me a call." And Hillary Clinton is thinking "Why stop at a call, you brothers should campaign together." (Janice Hough) -

      All this talk about Jeb Bush being handicapped for a possible Presidential run by his name. If Jeb's last name was Smith he'd probably be another no-name former Southern GOP governor. (Janice Hough) 

      During Sarah Palin's NRA speech she complained that the "Obama administration wants you ID’d" for having a gun. Okay, I guess being ID'ed should be reserved for truly dangerous things, like voting. (Janice Hough) 

      A South Carolina Republican candidate for Lieutenant Governor  said on the radio that he wants to get rid of public education because the Bible doesn’t mention it.  (Will Durst)  

      SPORTS

      BASKETBALL

      Ever wonder what happens when an NBA team calls time out? I meet with my coaches out on the court, and they tell me what they think we should do. I ignore them, go back to the bench and tell the players what I think they should do. They ignore me and go out and do whatever they want to do. (Doc Rivers)

      The Lakers are apparently interested in hiring John Calipari. But not sure Calipari is interested in coaching prima donnas he can't get rid of after a year. (Janice Hough) 

      Rapper Drake was spotted courtside in Game 2 of the Raptors-Nets series picking lint off his pants with a roller. Not the first guy on a court to run the pick and roll. (RJ Currie) 

      The Lakers are apparently interested in hiring John Calipari. But not sure Calipari is interested in coaching prima donnas he can’t get rid of after a year. (Janice Hough) 

      Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari underwent hip-replacement surgery. Doctors reportedly pressed him to do a double replacement, but he wanted to be one-and-done. (Dwight Perry) 

      The NBA fined the Toronto Raptors’ GM $25,000 for cursing, If you start fining people in professional sports per curse word, we can fund health care. (Brad Dickson)

      BASEBALL

      There are three starters who are throwing a splitter more than 20% of the time: Masahiro Tanaka, Hisashi Iwakuma and Hiroki Kuroda. There's got to be a common denominator here, but I'm just not seeing it. (Sam Fineberg)

      Nearly a month into the season, MLB has gone back to its original definition of a catch, and no longer requiring a fielder to transfer a ball to record an out. This happened after Brett Gardner was called safe last night when Dustin Pedroia dropped the ball while trying to turn a double play. Well, guess the league finally pays attention if something affects a Red Sox-Yankees game. (Janice Hough) 

      The Brewers’ Ryan Braun celebrated Cinco de Mayo a week early, using teammate Jean Segura as a piñata. (Torben Rolfsen) 

      Yankees pitcher Pineda got caught using pine tar: “Pineda missed two full seasons after blowing out his shoulder, and now he might miss two starts after suffering the mother of all brain cramps. (Ian O'Connor) 

      I saw the Manning brothers, Peyton & Eli, at Yankee Stadium watching today's game. They're probably the only two people in the "elite section" who can afford the seats they're in. (Chad Piscasner)  

      Replay just upsets the balance of life, like a sabermetrician at a strip club. With replay, God probably doesn’t create heaven and earth, the sea and all that’s in them in under a week; on the seventh day he wouldn’t have rested, he’d be warding off legal challenges and environmental-impact studies about his placement of the Brazilian rainforest. (Norman Chad)

      Earth is 71 percent water: No, wait a minute -- that’s Yankee Stadium beer. (David Letterman) 

      Heisman winner Jameis Winston, who has been the closer, and one of the better players on the FSU baseball team,  been reinstated to the Seminoles’ baseball team.  This after  completing his  20 hours of community service.for shoplifting crab legs just last Tuesday.  Well, if consistency is a virtue, good to know the SEC baseball teams are as much talent whores as their football equivalents. (Janice Hough)

      FOOTBALL

      Dan Marino and Joe Montana will play in a flag-football game to say goodbye to Candlestick Park this July. When asked is they knew who will sponsor the game, the 49ers reportedly replied "Depends?" (Janice Hough) 

      Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Jameis Winston was arrested in Florida after he was caught stealing crab legs from a supermarket. Police apprehended him when he was spotted running sideways out the door. (Seth Meyers) 

      Heisman winner Jameis Winston claims he didn't steal $32 worth of seafood from a supermarket; he just forgot to pay. If that doesn't work, he'll try the sez-you defence. (RJ Currie) 

      FSU QB and reigning Heisman winner Jameis Winston was reportedly cited for shoplifting crab legs in Tallahassee and may be suspended from the baseball team. Maybe the NCAA should have been a little more clear on that ruling allowing unlimited meals for athletes? (Janice Hough) 

      Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston of Florida State was arrested after he was caught shoplifting crabs. Hope he didn’t stuff them down his pants without wearing an athletic supporter. (TC Chong) 

      FSU Double Header: Florida State drops internal investigation of accused rapist Jameis Winston because “he refused to answer questions”. Florida State suspends accused rapist Jameis Winston for stealing crab legs. (Chad Piscasner)  

      What was Jameis Winston thinking shoplifting crab legs? Doesn't he know as a big time college football player you're supposed to let the boosters buy crab legs for you? (Janice Hough)  

      Five ex-cheerleaders are suing the Buffalo Bills for, among other things, having to pay $650 for their uniforms. I've seen those outfits; that's about $100 a square inch. (RJ Currie) 

      Bills cheerleaders are suing over paltry pay and unfair working conditions. Who knew that ‘two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar’ was the hourly wage for these poor girls? (Mike Bianchi) 

      The Buffalo Jills Handbook has many rules. Here's one: #11 - Treat adults as adults.  That's good advice. Shame it doesn't apply to women. (Nestor Ramos)

      The NFL schedule has been released, including the Detroit Lions playing the Atlanta Falcons in London's Wembley Stadium on Oct. 26: And here I thought they were trying to expand the appeal of the sport overseas. (Torben Rolfsen) 

      Florida State QB Jameis Winston got pinched for taking $32 worth of seafood from a grocery store. Winston obviously misunderstood the FSU coaches when they talked about the school’s offseason ’lifting program'. (Ian Hamilton) 

       Hear about Redskins owner Daniel Snyder waking up in a cold sweat? Apparently he dreamt that Adam Silver had just been named NFL commissioner. (Dwight Perry) 

      Stanford coach David Shaw, complaining about the SEC's football schedule only having eight conference games, as opposed to most conferences who play nine. "If we're all going to be in the same playoffs, we need to play by the same rules" And down in the SEC they're just giggling. (Janice Hough) 

      A ESPN report citing Jim Nantz says that the Dallas Cowboys "will do whatever it takes" to get Johnny Manziel. Because there are still people outside of North Texas who don't already hate the Cowboys? (Janice Hough) 

      The Jets signed Michael Vick. Well, the bible-thumper didn't work out. Why not try the dog murderer? (Steve Hofstetter)

      HOCKEY

      A Little League team in Oklahoma is auctioning off an assault rifle. Too bad the  Sharks didn’t do that; San Jose fans deserve something that goes beyond one round. (RJ Currie) 

      Ad we’d like to see:  Hey PK Subban, you just scored the winning goal of game one in double OT vs Boston – what are you going to do next? “I’m going to a LA Clippers game!” (TC Chong) 

      Yesterday was the opening game of the first ever all-southern California playoff series in the NHL - the LA Kings vs. the Anaheim Ducks. An ESPN announcer told analyst Barry Melrose, "Those two teams are only 26 miles apart, Barry."  "True, but that could be a 4-hour drive," said Barry. I don't think ESPN hired Melrose as a Travel Advisor. (Chad Piscasner) 

      Bruins president Cam Neely denounced fans who attacked the Canadiens' P.K. Subban, who is black, with racial slurs on social media after Subban scored the game winning goal for Montreal over Boston last night. In related news, Donald Sterling called the Bruins to inquired about rink-side tickets. (Janice Hough) 

      Announcers saying the San Jose Sharks' season ended bitterly." "Bitterly?" "Bitterly" is a one game nightmare. This was a four-game choke job for the ages. (Janice Hough) 

      The SEC, saying they want to improve strength of schedule, will start in 2016 to require that all football teams schedule at least one ACC, Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 team per season. That stampeding sound you hear is all the SEC AD's rushing to call Cal. (Janice Hough)

      GOLF

      Us Weekly says Lindsey Vonn and Tiger's ex, Elin Nordegren, have become pals. Word is Vonn gave Nordegren some autographed skis, and in return got a slightly used 9-iron. (RJ Currie) 

      A report says that two recent golf outings by President Obama cost $2.9 Million. That still doesn’t come close to costing as much as one nine iron shot by Elin Nordegren. (Jim Barach

      OTHER SPORTS

      New NASCAR star Chase Elliott is a senior in high school. Fast? He was recently clocked at 209 texts per hour. (RJ Currie) 

      A fan of Poland’s Zaglebie Lubin soccer team who lit a flare got pepper-sprayed by a security guard, setting him ablaze.Well, that’s one way to get the crowd fired up. (Dwight Perry) 

      An entrepreneur plans to open a combination saloon/indoor shooting range in Deadwood, S.D.Just don’t make the mistake of telling the bartender: “Two quick shots, please.”  (Dwight Perry)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      People aren't surprised Lindsay Lohan named 36 men she has slept with. They're surprised she remembered. (RJ Currie) 

      Producers are currently working on a remake of the classic 1959 Charlton Heston film “Ben-Hur.” They're calling the remake “Ben-Hur, Done That.” (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Paul Simon was arrested for domestic violence this week. All he pleaded was that they were not “feeling groovy”. (TC Chong) 

      81 year old Willie Nelson has been awarded his 5th degree black belt in the martial art Gongkwon Yusul. Apparently Nelson is so good he can fight off five attackers with one hand while rolling a joint with the other. (Jim Barach) 

      Ben Affleck has apparently been banned from playing blackjack at the Hard Rock Casino because he was "too good at the game." Well a guy's got to be good at something.. (Janice Hough) 

      Jack Nicholson and V. Stiviano are now friends on Facebook. She has invited him to attend a Clippers game with her. (TC Chong) 

      Lucas Films announced Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill will reprise their roles in the upcoming Star Wars VII. May the Metamucil be with them. (RJ Currie) 

      Work on a remake of “The Six Million Dollar Man” t.v. series stopped after accountants found that today $6 million dollars would barely cover the replacement of one hip, one lung, and one kidney, with enough cash left over for a high colonic. (Jerry W.)

      THE ECONOMY & TAXES

      The unemployment rate in Washington, D.C. went up slightly to 4.9%. Ironically, Washington is the one place where having higher unemployment actually means better results for the national economy. (Jim Barach) 

      A Census Bureau report says that men working full time earn less than they did 40 years ago. What’s even worse is that at today’s wages, anyone working 40 years ago would still not have enough money to retire with. (Jim Barach) 

      The U.S. Treasury has announced the biggest quarterly paydown of the U.S. debt in seven years. Which is good news because some people get a little nervous right around the time the national debt starts approaching around $17 Trillion. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Ronald McDonald recently received a makeover, which includes a new vest and bow tie. Not to be outdone, after an operation the Burger King is now the Burger Queen. (Conan O'Brien) 

      Rubik's Cube manufacturers announced Tuesday that Rubik's Cube came out forty years ago Monday. They're used as a pregnancy kit in Japan. Prospective mothers insert a Rubik's Cube into the birth canal, and if they come out a minute later solved, it proves they're pregnant. (Argus Hamilton)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Frontier Airlines is going to start charging for carry-on bags that don't fit under the seat. So all those boarding slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags in the overhead bins? They'll be switching to slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags under the seat. (Janice Hough) 

      Air Canada terminated two baggage handlers after video showed them throwing luggage as far as 20 feet at Toronto Pearson airport. The Blue Jays immediately signed them for pitching tryouts. (TC Chong) 

      That 16 year old kid who hid in the wheel well of a jetliner on a flight from San Jose to Maui said that other than not getting frequent flyer miles it wasn’t much different than being a regular passenger sitting in a coach class seat. (Jerry W.)

      SCIENCE

      The U.S. military has begun research on brain implants that could restore lost memory. Hopefully it might be able to help the people who started the war in Iraq to finally be able to remember the reason for being there. (Jim Barach) 

      A study says the smell of men stresses out lab mice, while the smell of women has no effect on the rodents. Mostly because the mice know women are good to rodents since they marry so many of them. (Jim Barach) 

      Scientists say we can harvest electric power from toilet flushes.  Amazing. One night of The Kardashians could power all of Chicago. (Bill Williams)

      A study says that human skin can be used to create sperm. That’s nothing new. It’s been done for years at massage parlors. (Jim Barach) 

      A study has confirmed that camels are the source of the MERS virus. Until now, camels were only blamed as the cause of emphysema and lung cancer. (Jim Barach)

      HEALTH

      The World Health Organization says that drug-resistant superbugs are a global health threat. Which apparently can be kept under control as long as someone keeps reminding Paris Hilton to wear some underwear once in awhile. (Jim Barach) 

      A study says that one third of Americans are mixing supplements with their medications that can create dangerous interactions. The other two thirds are taking their medications the old fashioned way, washing them down with a stiff Martini. (Jim Barach) 

      A study says that first born girls are the most likely in a family to be ambitious and succeed. Mostly because they know they had better get out before they get stuck helping mom raise all the other bratty kids that will be coming along later. (Jim Barach) 

      Breast milk banks are gaining in popularity which bring donated mother’s milk to healthy babies. Those are the banks where someone walking in the door with a Double D bra size is instantly recognized as a big depositor. (Jim Barach) 

      Researchers say that a breathalyzer for lung cancer may be on the way. How bad would that be to get pulled over and have the police officer tell you that you were going 15 mph over the speed limit but that he will let you go because you have only three months left to live. (Jim Barach) 

      A Norwegian cruise ship was stuck in the Hudson River this morning. Wonder if anyone on board had annoyed Chris Christie. (Janice Hough)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Sarah Palin said waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists. Due to the drought, terrorists in California will be tortured using the “Happy” song. (Gary Bachman)

      EDUCATION

      The Education Department publicly released a list of 55 U.S. colleges and universities currently under investigation for mishandling sexual-assault cases. The list is populated with large state schools such as Ohio State University and the University of Michigan, as well as prestigious Ivy League schools, including Dartmouth, Harvard, and Princeton. (Chad Piscasner)  

      A Texas teacher was arrested for giving a 15-year-old student a birthday lap dance. Inclement weather prevented her from also doing a striptease dance using the flagpole. (Gary Bachman) 

      School officials in San Antonio say a boy who brought a loaded AK-47 to school planned to commit a violent act with it. Either that or he was just sending out the message that this time he was going to keep his lunch money and not go home with a wedgie. (Jim Barach)

      CHARITIES

      The head of the Los Angeles NAACP resigned over their planned lifetime achievement award to Donald Sterling. Have to wonder, who else was on that list for the award? (Janice Hough) 

      So the NAACP was going to give Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award? What's next? The NCAA planning to honor John Calipari for his commitment to student athletes? (Janice Hough)

      CULTURE & LIFE STYLE

      A Michigan study found 30 per cent of marriages with an ill spouse end in divorce. In a related study, 30 per cent of wives say they are sick of their husbands.  (TC Chong)  

      A woman in Arizona advertised on Craigslist for bestiality with a horse. She was arrested, and somehow missed the only reply from a Matt Cooke of Minnesota who said he was an expert on neigh to neigh hits. (TC Chong) 

      Men who marry women 15 years younger than themselves live longer. That’s too bad say women who marry men 15 years older than themselves, and live happier and wealthier after his will is read. (Cam Hutchinson)  

      CANADA

      Rob Ford and Lindsay Lohan are now friends on Facebook. (TC Chong) 

      Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a picture of him smoking the crack and a videotape is out as well. Is there a videotape out there of him not smoking crack? (David Letterman) 

      Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced he's taking a leave of absence to deal with issues related to substance abuse. A video was reportedly shot by his drug dealer. The guy is constantly being taped but never seems to notice the cameras. Is that a side effect of crack? (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s lawyers said that he will take a leave of absence to seek help for substance abuse. Though they didn’t say whether the substance in question was crack or gravy.  (Seth Meyers)

      EUROPE

      A French fashionista claims Pippa Middleton wore fake buttocks to the Royal Wedding. This is a story I wouldn’t mind getting to the bottom of. (RJ Currie) 

      A report says that Michelangelo’s statue of David is at risk of collapsing from weak ankles. That’s what happens when you are on display for more than 500 years and have to shift your feet around a lot to keep people from staring at your embarrassingly small privates. (Jim Barach) 

      Spain’s jobless rate is approaching 26%. Economists were shocked. There are enough jobs in Spain for 74% of the people? (Jim Barach)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      The Royal Court of Saudi Arabia has launched a website that will accept complaints against the government and send them directly to the king. You can even submit a second complaint if you want — using your remaining hand. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE FAR EAST

      Orange News reports a man in China plans to open the world's first bra museum after collecting 5,000 of them over two decades. The concept has a lot of support. (RJ Currie) 

      Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain’t missing that. (Jimmy Fallon) 

       North Korean leader Kim Jung Un has a gentle side: He looks at Dennis Rodman as the uncle he never killed. (Argus Hamilton) 

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      Two pugs got married in a televised wedding in Australia. Trust me; they’ll start by going at it like dogs, but before long one will be saying, "I have a bone to pick with you." (RJ Currie) 

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...