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309Weakly Humerus News 04-27-14

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  • Stan Kegel
    Apr 28, 2014
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-28-14
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP STORIES OF THE WEEK

      CLIVEN BUNDY

      In a surprising twist, states rights-sovereign citizen Cliven Bundy is apparently also a professor of Negro Studiesl. I should have mentioned he's a professor at Duke University -- David Duke University. (Jon Stewart) 

       

      My one regret here is that I did not embrace Cliven Bundy sooner, like Sean Hannity did.  You know, really draw him to my bosom.  To link us inexorably together.  To hang him around my neck like some kind of lucky dead sea bird.  But you beat me to it, Sean!  You're good, buddy, you're good!  Thanks to your non-stop supportive coverage of Bundy, now when anyone thinks of folks who have insight into "the Negro", they'll think of Sean Hannity.  I mean, these two go together like Ku and Klux.  I mean, I salute you, Sean.  I salute you for bravely standing by a man whose only crime was breaking federal law. (Stephen Colbert) 

      GOP Presidential contenders are now rushing to distance themselves from rancher Cliven Bundy, who said, amongst other things about African-Americans, "And I've often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn't get no more freedom. They got less freedom." If Bundy had just stuck to insulting the government and maybe women and gays, he'd still be some conservatives' hero. (Janice Hough) 

      Cliven Bundy Interviewed  on TV declared he doesn't recognize the government of the United States and does need not follow their laws. James Ertner is a U S A-theist. (Jon Stewart) 

      Now, some liberals are going to try to spin Mr. Bundy's racist remarks to make him appear racist. Don't fall for this trap! (Mr. T.Bagger, Radio Talk Show Host)

      Cliven Bundy is doing God's work, helping everybody forget about their own racism briefly. (Dan Dodge)

      FOX News pundits are split on how to respond to the racist statements from Cliven Bundy and his Posse Comitatus with Sean Hannity completely withdrawing his sypport but others still calling Brady and his army patriots patriots and and while not agreeing with their anti-Negro in America we still have freedom of speech. They further condemn the liberal community and especially MSNBC for again bringing up the 'Race Card'.'(Stan Kegel)  

      Bundy is a welfare queen to the tune of $1 million. Can we make him a slave under the pretext that he would be better as one? If he wants someone to be a slave, he should be volunteering himself. (Biff P.)

      Are Cliven Bundy and Donald Sterling related or just part of the same Klan? (Warren Holstein)

      DONALD STERLING

      The next Miami Heat home game will be a “whiteout” –- All fans will be asked to wear the team color. Donald Sterling announced the next Clippers home game will also be a “whiteout” -– Only whites can attend. (Gary Bachman) 

      If Donald Sterling really had that much of a problem with black people, maybe he should have bought a hockey team instead. (Warren Holstein)

      Leaving the racism aside, Donald Sterling also appears to be an incredible misogynist. Wouldn't you think a beautiful woman who wants to be a temporary rich man's mistress can find someone who's a bit less of an a**hole? (Janice Hough) 

      Donald Sterling hates black people but he bought a basketball team. That'd be like Mel Gibson buying a hospital. (Steve Hofstetter)

      Donald Sterling's girlfriend is mixed. She's half black and half plastic surgery. (Dan Dodge)

      This morning the NBA has to be longing for the days when their most embarrassing owner was Mark Cuban. If Donald Sterling gets suspended as an NBA owner, will Clive Bundy offer him a job as a ranch hand? (Janice Hough) 

      Donald Sterling did not attend Sunday’s playoff game between the Clippers and Warriors. Apparently, the game conflicted with a KKK rally. (Gary Bachman) 

      So the NAACP was going to give Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award? What's next? The NCAA planning to honor John Calipari for his commitment to student athletes? (Janice Hough) 

      Pope Francis made saints of Popes John XXIII and John Paul II. Next, I would like to see Donald Sterling and Cliven Bundy canonized. Put them in the barrel of a large cannon and light the fuse. (Gary Bachman) 

      MICHAEL PINEDA

      Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected last night for having pine tar on his neck, and rubbing it on his hand to get a better grip on the ball — because league rules clearly state that all illegal substances must be put INSIDE your body. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      ankees pitcher Michael Pineda got ejected from Wednesday’s game against the Red Sox when umpires discovered sticky tar on the back of his neck. Guess Pineda wasn’t kidding when he said he needed to grab a little pine. (Dwight Perry)

      Yankees pitcher Pineda was caught using pine tar. Pineda missed two full seasons after blowing out his shoulder, and now he might miss two starts after suffering the mother of all brain cramps.  (Ian O'Connor)

      There are three starters who are throwing a splitter more than 20% of the time: Masahiro Tanaka, Hisashi Iwakuma and Hiroki Kuroda. There's got to be a common denominator here, but I'm just not seeing it. (Sam Fineberg)

      Re: pine tar. If "everyone does it" and it's "really for the safety of the batter," then maybe MLB should legalize the stuff. Or make the rule like it is about pitchers' jewelry. Only legal if it's not visible enough to distract the batter. (Janice Hough) 

      Yankee pitcher Michael Pineda has been suspended for ten games after being caught with pine tar on his neck. His first mistake was not using a substance that could be applied with a hypodermic needle. (Jim Barach) 

      MLB has suspended Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda 10 games "for possessing a foreign substance on his person. That's the official reason. The unofficial reason of course is for being stupid enough to put pine tar on his neck. (Janice Hough) 

      NY Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected from last night’s game for using pine tar which was on his neck. He was suspected in his previous start of having it on his palm. Nest time look for Pineda to put it on his butt, as it would be appropriate for someone who’s a real ass. (TC Chong)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama has rejected a public petition to deport Justin Bieber. That guy was hot at first but has worn his welcome out in recent months. And Justin Bieber’s not cool either. (Alan Ray) 

      President Obama's approval rating is on the rise. It was 39 percent in November. It is up to 45 percent. His approval rating has gone from terrible to slightly less terrible. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      President Obama went on TV Thursday and told Americans the debate about Obamacare is over. He declared Obamacare is a resounding success and it's time to move on. Whenever Holy Week arrives, it's a national tradition for Americans to watch The Greatest Story Ever Told. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Chelsea Clinton announced Friday she's expecting a baby at the end of the year. Finally, some pregnancy news that doesn't scare her father half to death. This may be the first time in forty years that Bill didn't have to look Hillary in the eyes and swear that he didn't do it. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Joe Biden in Kiev Tuesday vowed that the U.S. will never recognize the Russian annexation of Crimea and will always stand for a united and undivided Ukraine. Biden was there giving advice on how to avoid going to war with Russia. In other words we're going to war with Russia. (Argus Hamilton) 

      A girl gave Michelle Obama her father's resume, saying he hadn't had any work in three years. "Honey, you didn't have to do that" said Joe Biden. (Janice Hough)

      THE COURTS

      In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court of the United States declared on Tuesday that lying by politicians is protected by the First Amendment because it is an expression of their religion. By a 5–4 majority, the Court struck down an Ohio law that would make it harder to lie in political ads, arguing instead that “any attempt to restrict or punish lying by politicians is an unconstitutional infringement on a religion they have practiced for decades.” (Andy Borowitz) 

      The Supreme Court ruled Monday that voters can eliminate affirmative action programs. For years, blacks, women and Hispanics had an edge. However the tide recently turned in favor of white males when they figured out that at any given moment they can discover they are gay. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      With an eye toward a Presidential run in 2016, Rick Perry, the Texas governor, is hoping that a two-pronged strategy of wearing glasses and not speaking will make him appear smarter to voters, aides to the Governor confirmed today. (Andy Borowitz)

      Sarah Palin, speaking at an NRA convention, said that gun-free zones are 'stupid on steroids'. Thereby challenging all those who thought if there was anyone who should be an expert on 'stupid on steroids'. (Janice Hough)

      During Sarah Palin's NRA speech she complained that the "Obama administration wants you ID’d" for having a gun. Okay, I guess being ID'ed should be reserved for truly dangerous things, like voting. (Janice Hough)

      John McCain was on Monday night's "Late Night with Seth Meyers." Presumably trying to appeal to his supporters who are up at that hour. Both of them. (Janice Hough) 

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Chelsea Clinton announced that she’s going to have a baby. It’ll be Hillary’s first grandchild. Bill’s too, as far as he knows. (Terry Eller) 

      Chelsea Clinton is pregnant. You can just see her father making cute faces through the glass at the hospital nursery. And that’s at the nurses. (Alan Ray) 

      Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s.  (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon reportedly is planning to eventually replace all flight crews with robots. If commercial airlines were to adopt that idea, think of all the money they would save just on cockpit alcohol during Happy Hour. (Jim Barach)

      THE STATES

      Wednesday afternoon, Georgia Governor Nathan Deal proudly unveiled Georgia’s new official state slogan, “We Make Florida Look Safe.” Gov. Deal told reporters that the slogan was “more than just words,” reflecting Georgia’s determination to best its rival Florida for the nation’s most reckless gun law. Gov. Deal said he hoped that the state’s newly enacted Safe Carry Protection Act, which makes it legal to carry guns in bars, schools, churches, and some government buildings, would send the message that Georgia was taking its competition with Florida “very, very seriously.” "In recent years, if you wanted to fire off a gun any damn place you pleased, there was a sense that Florida was  the state for you,” he said. “We’re hoping to change that perception.”  (Andy Borowitz) 


      LOCAL NEWS

      A New York bakery is going to offer a low-calorie donut. Because if there is one thing all donut lovers have in common, it is the fanatic need to count calories.  (Alex Kaseberg)   

      New York City is getting a new bakery that promises to sell low-calorie doughnuts. The doughnuts come in a variety of flavors, including “So-so,” “Just OK,” and “Almost Like a Real Doughnut.” (Jimmy Fallon) 

      A Richmond bus shelter ad for Crest toothpaste is stirring up controversy as it is entirely in Chinese.  I think the translation is: Nine out of ten illegal Chinese dentists working out of their basements recommend Crest. (TC Chong) 

      A Phoenix man arrested for using Craigslist to find sex with horse. Really? Craigslist? Isn't there an app for that? (Janice Hough)

      CIVIL RIGHTS

      Young men's auto insurance premiums are higher than women's. So what if they drive more aggressively and get into more accidents? The ACA has already set the precedent that insurance premiums should never be tied to costs; if single men have to purchase maternity care, women should have to pay for young men's bad driving habits.  (Leonard P. Topolski) 

      In New Jersey, a woman is suing the Department of Motor Vehicles for rejecting her request for a vanity license plate reading "8THEIST." Where are the small government folks lining up to defend her right to free speech on this one? (Janice Hough) 

      A report says that 87% of online spying is from governments. The other 13% is your work trying to figure out how much of your day is actually devoted to watching porn on the job. (Jim Barach)  

      Cheerleaders from the Buffalo Bills are suing over being forced to work hundreds of hours for free along with being groped and having to perform “jiggle tests.” Which means the only difference between them and other women in the work force is that they didn’t have to learn to take shorthand. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Someone has to tell Always, the makers of Infinity menstrual pads, that always means infinity. It’s like if Eternity made a perfume called Forever. Plus, is having an infinite period a good thing? I’m not a lady, but I’ve never heard one say, “These cramps are so great, I wish they would never end.” (Bill Maher)

      A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better. (Conan O'Brien)

      A California Del Taco restaurant accidentally charged credit card customers thousands of dollars for burritos and tacos. Apparently the staff mistakenly thought that the people had ordered the items to be made with real beef (Jim Barach) 

      A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were pretty excited -- I mean, you should've seen the look that wasn't on their faces. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Michaels is reporting a security breach affecting as many as 3-million of its customers. Apparently the hackers were pretty crafty... which makes sense. (Tim Hunter) 

      Luxury retailer Hermes is offering a $14,000 baseball glove. At that price it is geared for major leaguers and even comes with its own compartments to store used hypodermic needles. (Jim Barach) 

      Oscar Meyer recalled 96,000 lbs of wieners due to labeling that did not mention that they contained cheese. Wasting food would be an outrage to billions of hungry people, so they will be shipped to a needy country along with shirts and hats that say “Denver Broncos Super Bowl XLVIII Champs”. This is the biggest recall of Oscar Meyer wieners ever. The company says its Wienermobiles are running 24/7 picking them up. (TC Chong) 

      Taco Bell is planning to open a new chain called U.S. Taco Co, with a more upscale menu - for example, the "Brotherly Love", a tortilla stuffed with Philly cheese steak, or the "Winner Winner", with crispy Southern fried chicken and gravy. Sounds like the price of gas is going up. (Janice Hough) 

      McDonald’s has given their clown mascot Ronald McDonald a makeover, trading in his jumpsuit for cropped pants and a blazer. While McDonald’s customers are trading in their sweatpants for bigger sweatpants. (Seth Meyers) 

      A report says that the price of electricity may be going up for good. Now that cars are going hybrid and electric, power companies figure they might as well start acting like big oil. (Jim Barach)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A sixteen year old boy survived a flight from San Jose to Hawaii stowed away in the wheel well of a 767.  Doctors are attributing his survival to a strong constitution, tying himself in, and not watching the inflight movie, 'Noah'. (Bill Williams) 

      A sixteen year old boy stowed away in a wheel compartment of a Hawaiian Airlines jet and survived the flight from San Jose to Honolulu. The airline is holding him until someone steps forward and pays the one person wheel well transit/baggage fee of $25. He’s lucky he didn’t take a carry-on bag. That would have cost him another $25. (TC Chong) 

      A kid, 16 years old, got on a plane in San Jose and flew all the way to Hawaii riding on the landing gear. And the airline is embarrassed, so they say next time he wants to fly they will get him a spot in the baggage compartment. They'll upgrade him. (David Letterman) 

      Security folks are still trying to figure out how a teenage boy was able to get onto the San Jose airport tarmac and into the wheel well of a commercial jet. On the brighter side, TSA said that day they did confiscate over 100 bottles of water. (Janice Hough) 

      The teenager who stowed away in the wheel well of that Hawaiian Airlines flight said he was trying to see his mother in Somalia. So give him an A for effort and an F for geography. (Janice Hough)

      The Detroit Metropolitan Airport has unveiled indoor patches of grass that serve as toilets for service dogs. And the New York subway continues to offer hundreds of square miles of tile that serve as toilets for everybody. (Seth Meyers) 

      Nissan says it is developing the first self-cleaning car. Of which none will be bought by middle aged men who would then no longer have an excuse to go each weekend to the topless car wash. (Jim Barach) 

      A report on missing Malaysia Airlines flight 370 is set to be released next week. Which means CNN will spend the next week talking about what they think might be in the report before they spend the week after that talking about the report. (Jim Barach) 

      A Southwest Airlines pilot who became famous for landing at the wrong airport has retired. He plans to spend his golden years in Mexico and just bought a place in Toronto. (Tim Hunter) 

      A judge has rejected American Airline’s attempt to cut off benefits from retirees. The company will now handle it like any other business cost. That means they will just charge all their employees a $50 retirement fee each time they show up for work. (Jim Barach) 

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A Kansas man on trial for first-degree murder wants to remove a tattoo across his neck reading “murder” because he’s worried it might prejudice the jury. Though he might be able to create reasonable doubt by just adding a question mark. (Seth Meyers) 

      A San Antonio man was found guilty of urinating on the Alamo Friday and sentenced to eighteen months in prison. The defendant was also fined four thousand dollars for the act. In a plea deal, the Texas judge dropped the lesser charges of murder, arson and cattle rustling. (Argus Hamilton)

      SPORTS

      NCAA

      On relaxing food rules for student-athletes: If UConn wants to feed Shabazz breakfast in bed every day, they can. (NCAA president Mark Emmert)

      BASKETBALL

      John Calipari wouldn’t leave Kentucky to coach the Lakers. He has more NBA players this year than the Lakers do. (Stan Van Gundy) 

      A pair of Wall Street financiers bought Milwaukee’s last-place NBA team for $550 million. There’s a shrewd investment: over half a billion dollars to get a few lousy Bucks. (RJ Currie) 

      The NBA postseason has begun. The Washington Wizards might be the most surprising team in the playoffs. A group of guys in that town who can pass something. (Alan Ray) 

      Steve Masiello was denied the head coaching job at South Florida after it was learned he attended, but did not graduate, from Kentucky. If you deny a job to everyone who attended but didn’t graduate from Kentucky, half the players in the NBA will be gone.  (Brad Dickson) 

      Since these first round NBA playoffs are turning out to be competitive and compelling wonder how long it will take the league to move to a 32 team five round playoff? (Janice Hough) 

      During a news conference to introduce Donnie Tyndall as the head coach of the U of Tennessee’s men’s basketball team, it was pointed out to him that he wasn’t the first choice. Tyndall pointed to his fiancee, who was in attendance, and offered: “Look at her and look at me. I probably wasn’t her first choice either.  (Gregg Drinnan) 

      NBA commissioner Adam Silver plans to raise the minimum player age from 19 to 20. The league’s age maximum will continue to be Kevin Garnett. (Seth Meyers)

      BASEBALL

      Yankees radio announcer John Sterling's call Friday concluded with, "A triple play. That ends the inning!" to which ESPN newscaster, Jay Reynolds, added,"As the vast majority of triple plays tend to do." (Phil Mashnimg)

      The Yankees turned a triple play the other night. It was the 1st Yankee triple play since Pay-Rod hit on those Playmate triplets. (TC Chong) 

      The Brewers' Carlos Gomez, talking about a brawl he helped start Sunday against the Pirates, said "Things happen in the game. We know it's not good for baseball..." Well, on the other hand, how often do national networks show highlights of a Milwaukee-Pittsburgh game? (Janice Hough) 

      Opposing pitchers facing the SF Giants hitters must feel the way cats do when they stumble upon a convention for disabled mice. Well, as frustrated as the Giants are, at least their players aren't likely to be involved in a brawl. None of them can hit anyone. (Janice Hough) 

      Both Wrigley Field and Shakespeare are having their birthdays celebrated today. One crafts tragedies that echo throughout the ages, the other is a playwright. (Nick Coombs) 

      The Giants and Red Sox are not the only hitting challenged teams in MLB, The Seattle Mariners have scored 10 fewer runs than the Giants. Last night they had to leave the roof open at Safeco even though the weather was bad because they were afraid if they closed it that it would implode due to the Mariners sucking so badly.  (Garry Weiler) 

      The NBA fined the Toronto Raptors’ GM $25,000 for cursing, If you start fining people in professional sports per curse word, we can fund health care. (Brad Dickson)

      FOOTBALL

      New NFL director of football operations Troy Vincent says he can see the NFL adding a developmental league. Don't they already have that? It's called the SEC. (Janice Hough)

      What do you call a power runner for the Fighting Irish arrested for DUI? The drunk back of Notre Dame. (RJ Currie)

      Roger Goodell said the NFL is considering extending the draft to four days, although it would remain at seven rounds. Well, heck, if the point is television coverage why not start the draft in March and do 3 or 4 picks a day for months? (Janice Hough) 

      The NFL draft is fast approaching, but this year there’s an added twist. If Mel Kiper sees his shadow, we get to go six whole weeks until he unveils his first mock draft for 2015. (Dwight Perry) 

      Dan Marino and Joe Montana will play in a flag-football game to say goodbye to Candlestick Park this July. When asked is they knew who will sponsor the game, the 49ers reportedly replied "Depends?" (Janice Hough) 

      What University of Idaho football recruiters tell prospects: WR Dezmon Epps was the only WR in the nation to total over 100 yards receiving against eventual national champion Florida State. What University of Idaho football recruiters neglect to tell prospects: They lost that game to Florida State, 80-14. (Bill Littlejohn)  

      The original Joe Paterno statue at Penn State has been torn down, but alums have raised money and hope to install a new statue downtown, which will feature Paterno sitting on a bench reading Virgil's "Aeneid." Would it be more appropriate to have the legendary coach with his hands covering his eyes? (Janice Hough)  

      The Buffalo Bills have suspended cheerleading operations after members filed a lawsuit alleging they were underpaid. And presumably the squad feels they should have had extra hardship pay cheering for the Bills. (Janice Hough) 

      Seahawks fullback Michael Robinson is set to guest-star on CBS’s 'The Young & The Restless' soap opera: If that’s his interest, why doesn’t he just sign with the 49ers -- they have all the drama you could want.  (Chad Picasner)

      GOLF

      Spanish golfer Pablo Larrazabal was stung 20 times and finally jumped into a lake to avoid a swarm of hornets. The last famous golfer to be stung significantly was Tiger; but that was only in his wallet. (TC Chong) 

      To 'save' golf, there’s a proposal to make the cups 15 inches wide. At majors this would allow Bob Costas to report from inside the 18th hole. (Brad Dickson)

      Saskatchewan’s Graham DeLaet wasn’t distraught after missing this year’s Masters cut:. He already owns quite a few green jackets, though they all say ‘John Deere’ on the front. (TC Chong) 

      HOCKEY

      Vancouver Canucks left wing David Booth announced plans for a June wedding in Montana -- in the same remote locale where he once shot a 12-point buck. (Dwight Perry)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      King of Kings stars Jeffrey Hunter as Jesus Christ on TCM Easter Sunday. There's debate over whether Jesus was light or dark-skinned. Jesus's mother was Mary who was Jewish so he may have been dark-complected but his father was God who's English, so it's fifty-fifty he's white. (Argus Hamilton) 

      In the finale of her "Lindsay" reality show, which will not be renewed, Lindsay Lohan now says that long list of sex partners was real, that she's "humiliated" now by it, but says she had good reason for making it. "Rea$on" as in Rating$? (Janice Hough) 


      77 year old Glen Campbell has moved into an Alzheimer’s facility. He remembers that he’s a Rhinestone Cowboy but not sure of whether he’s in Wichita, Phoenix or Galveston. (TC Chong) 

      The rest of Miley Cyrus' U.S. tour has postponed due to illness. And parents across the country are thinking "Our long national nightmare is over." (Janice Hough) 

      Sony is producing a full length Barbie movie. This plastic figurine is the Miley Cyrus of the toy world. She’s sold naked and bends into all types of positions. (Alan Ray) 

      The White House has declined to comment on a "Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card" petition. The GOP is trying to decide how to say that Obama's no comment response is wrong. (Janice Hough) 

      Neil Young has released a new album "A Letter Home" on vinyl only. Some Millennials are responding "Who's Neil Young?" Even more are responding "What is 'vinyl'?" (Janice Hough) 

      A remake of the film “Ben-Hur” is set for release in 2016. The biblical drama about slaves reportedly takes on the subject of same sex marriage and will have the title changed to “Ben-Gay.” (Jim Barach)

      THE MEDIA

      On his obsession to the Sean Hannity show: I am obsessed with your program in the same way that I'm obsessed with antibiotic-resistant superbugs or the Pacific garbage patch or the KFC Double Down. Because I just can't believe that in this day and age, with all that we know, this sh*t is out there -- that humanity, that our society, is still weighed down by these burdens of a seemingly more medieval time. Like your show. To see it night after night, serving up the same sh*t, my god, you're the Arby's of news. (Jon Stewart) 

      It's become clear to me that I've won television. You see, Jon, almost nine years ago I promised to change the world and together, I did it. (Stephen Colbert, stopping by The Daily Show to announce, in character, the real reason that he is ending his show)

       

      An Easter Egg Hunt was held yesterday in Central Park. CNN assembled a panel of experts to advise where the eggs were likely to be found. (Gary Bachman) 

      According to Fox News Charles Krauthammer said "it is evident the real objective of ObamaCare is to sever the relationship that Americans have now with their private insurance so everyone eventually ends up in in a market essentially controlled by the government."  As an ex-resident of Canada,  we can only hope. (Janice Hough) 

      People magazine today unveiled their annual list of the 50 most beautiful people. People magazine has an interesting process for choosing the most beautiful person. The editors look at every single person on Earth. Then they vote. It is really the only fair way to do it. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      ESPN football analyst Keyshawn Johnson was arrested for domestic violence. He’ll discover community service work is different from his playing days. Your road uniform is always orange. (Alan Ray)

      THE INTERNET AND COMPTERS

      A Microsoft security update reportedly crashes computers working off Windows XP. It crashes the computers so easily it is now being considered an upgrade to Windows 8. (Jim Barach) 

      Russian President Vladimir Putin says the Internet is a CIA project. To which anyone in the U.S. knows there is no way a government project would be around this long without either always shutting down or having endless forms to fill out just to get online (Jim Barach)

      SCIENCE

      Earth is 71 percent water: No, wait a minute -- that’s Yankee Stadium beer. (David Letterman)

      HEALTH

      The FDA is considering banning electrical shock devices used for behavior modification. Apparently whips, thumb screws and billy clubs can get the same results while saving quite a bit on the electric bill. (Jim Barach) 

      Oscar Meyer is recalling 96 thousand pounds of hot dogs because they contain cheese in them; or as nutritionists are calling cheese: the healthiest thing ever put in a hot dog. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      Studies say that new migraine drugs could bring relief to millions of the headache sufferers. Or they could just stop them from happening in the first place by turning off the TV reality shows. (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Seattle has broken its rainfall record for February through April. Which is about as exciting for the people living there as it would be for the people in Detroit to hear they exceeded another budget deficit record. (Jim Barach) 

      California is completely covered by drought for the first time in 15 years. It’s so bad there that they are considering changing the state flower to the tumbleweed (Jim Barach)

      EDUCATION

      A study says that cellphones and not books will be the most effective way to boost global literacy. Ironically, in the U.S. texting has made it so no one under 20 knows how to actually read any words that aren’t contractions, abbreviations or acronyms. (Jim Barach) 

       An Ohio teacher, previously warned after he called a student "stupid" and another "gay", was fired after he told an African-American student that the country didn't need another black president.. Wonder if he's already got job offers in Florida? (Janice Hough) 

      A Houston area teacher has been charged with performing a birthday lap dance on a 15 year old student. Local authorities became suspicious when instead of taking an apple for the teacher would ask their parents for a wad of singles. (Jim Barach) 

      A school in Florida has stopped giving students caffeinated soda before standardized tests. Apparently in some cases it doesn’t react well with their Ritalin, Adderall and Dexedrine. (Jim Barach)

      RELIGION

      Retired Pope Benedict XVI, current Pope Francis, and 1 million pilgrims celebrated the sainthood of Popes John Paul II and John XXIII at a Sunday Mass in St. Peter’s Square. There hasn’t been a double sainthood celebrated like this since Simon and Garfunkel overcame “Troubled Waters.” (Bill Williams)

      China is on track to be the world’s most Christian nation in 15 years with an estimated 247 Million followers by then. Which means by then we could even be outsourcing our televangelists. (Jim Barach)

      HISTORY

      John Muir devoted his life to preserving nature. Without his tireless effort, America would be a dirty, over-developed commercial wasteland. Or as we call that here, "Los Angeles." (Craig Ferguson) 

      A pistol claimed to be the one Wyatt Earp used in the shootout at the O.K. Corral has sold at auction for $225,000 … The gunfight was back in 1881, when men were men and women were women, and a “Saturday Night Special” was bringing a lump of sugar to your favorite sheep. (Bill Williams)  

      One difference between men and women.  When most women heard that Clooney was engaged, their reaction was "okay, we can stop dreaming now."  If someone like - fill in the blank - Olivia Wilde, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Beyonce, - gets engaged, the reaction is "well, she just hadn't met me yet." (Janice Hough) 

      Things that have happened since the Cubs last won a World Series in 1908: The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures. (Les Berman)

      HOLIDAYS

      This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny. (Conan O'Brien)

      This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes  (Seth Meyers)

      CULTURE & LIFE STYLE

      A Tennessee teen was arrested with a loaded gun stashed in her vagina. There has to be a safer place to conceal her weapon–sometimes you have to think outside the box (Gary Bachman) 

      In Tennessee a woman was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in her vagina. Nobody can accuse her of going off half cocked. But she isn’t crazy, the safety was on.  (Alex Kaseberg)  

      Powdered alcohol is now available. Last night Lindsay Lohan did three lines of vodka. (Gary Bachman) 

      A report says that teens are applying lip balm to their eyelids in order to get high. Although anyone who actually wants to apply lip balm to their eyelids is probably pretty high in the first place. (Jim Barach)

      RUSSIA & THE UKRAINE

      Joe Biden said the U.S. will help Ukraine with financial aid as long as the leaders tackle corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption. (Jimmy Fallon) 

       

      "Accusing Russia of failing to live up to its commitments, President Barack Obama warned Moscow on Thursday that the United States has another round of economic sanctions 'teed up'--even as he acknowledged those penalties may do little to influence Vladimir Putin's handling of the crisis in Ukraine," the Associated Press reports from Tokyo. "Teed up"? What was it that somebody said about Putin playing chess while Obama plays golf? (James Taranto) 

      Nets player Andrei Kirilenko announced he will open the first Hooters restaurant in Russia this month. It’s probably the only way to keep the Russians from going into Ukraine. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Pentagon says a Russian intelligence gathering ship has been operating off the U.S. southeast coast for the past month. They would have already been gone but apparently are intent on staying around until they discover some intelligence in Florida. (Jim Barach) 

      GREAT BRITAIN

      The Duchess of Cambridge has been taken to Australian hearts after a series of increasingly racist comments about New Zealand.  Kate made headlines across the continent by charmingly insulting Kiwis as lazy, backwards farmers who punch themselves in the face when trying to tell the time. From the moment she touched down, and remarked how wonderful it was to be in a country where sheep at least get bought a drink before sex, Oz has fallen in love with Kate. (Eleanor Shaw/DAILY MASH)

      EUROPE

      The mayor of Amsterdam is trying to close the city's marijuana shops. Amsterdam without pot is like late-night TV without middle-aged white guys. It would be like a “Real Housewife” without Botox. Like Lance Armstrong without steroids. It would be like Ukraine without Russian troops. (Craig Ferguson)

      AFRICA

      A South African journalist claims Oscar Pistorius took acting lessons to help prepare him to give testimony during his murder trial. I’m guessing no one told him to “break a leg.” (Gary Bachman)

      CHINA

      China’s state media has announced that its “Cleaning the Web” Campaign has successfully shut dow

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