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298Weakly Humerus News 01-27-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    Jan 28, 2013

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-27-13


      Colorado law
      Showed marijuana voters
      At an all time high.
      (Doug Spector) 

      There once was a man name Barack,
      Whose re-election came as a shock.
      He raised the taxes I pay,
      And then turned marriage gay.
      And now he's coming after your Glock.
      (Stephen Colbert)  

      Lance Armstrong had planned to come clean
      But with Oprah no tears have we seen
      Guess ’twas not his intent
      To mourn or repent
      But only to not make a scene.
      (Gary Hallock) 

      On Monday the Democrats held a swearing-in party for President Obama. Not to be outdone, on Monday Republicans held a private swearing-at party for Mitt Romney. (JJ Davis, Jr.) 

      20 degrees in Washington, D.C. So maybe some conservatives were right when they said America would re-elect President Obama when hell froze over. (Janice Hough)  

      President Obama issued two dozen executive orders to try to curb gun violence last week. It could affect the Super Bowl. The president banned the pistol offense, the shotgun formation, the bullet pass, the long bomb and any quarterback with a rifle arm. (Argus Hamilton)

      In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, "Yeah, that's how families work." (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Rand Paul today in attacking Hillary Clinton called Benghazi "the worst tragedy since 9/11. And I really mean that." Uh, really? Benghazi was awful. But the worst? Some parents in Sandy Hook and thousands of military parents might disagree, for starters. (Janice Hough)

      In New Mexico, state Rep. Cathrynn Brown introduced a bill where a woman who aborted a pregnancy resulting from rape would be charged with a felony for "tampering with evidence." Wow. Proving that today's GOP doesn't even need men to be anti-woman. (Janice Hough)  

      The stock market continues stubbornly not to collapse in President Obama's second term. Sort of like it stubbornly doubled in his first term. (Mark Gonglo) 

      An Irish man who lost his nose to cancer is growing a new one on his arm. The only problem is that a nose on his arm cost him an arm and a leg. (Jim Barach)  

      Sources say Beyonce lip-synched the national anthem at the inauguration. She was like every politician in Washington. When she opened her mouth, nothing of substance came out. (Alan Ray)   

      I just hope that this one painful online experience doesn't cause Manti Te'o to give up on all imaginary girlfriends. (Jay Leno)

      These Te'o jokes are all very funny, but let's all try and remember that a person who never existed is dead. (Seth Meyers)  

      Lance Armstrong admitted taking steroids on Oprah Winfrey's show Friday. He also discussed his competitive fire. Early in life, Lance Armstrong was inspired by a Notre Dame football coach who told him before a race to play like your fake girlfriend died today. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hundreds of angry Chinese factory workers revolted over 2-minute bathroom breaks. The rest didn’t care because they haven’t been potty-trained. (Gary Bachman)  

      Patriots QB Tom Brady was fined $10,000 by the NFL for unnecessary roughness for his foot-first slide into Ravens safety Ed Reed in the AFC Championship Game. That's actually less of a league penalty than the $10,500 San Francisco 49ers fined running back Frank Gore received for not wearing his socks high enough in the NFC Championship Game. The NFL again proves it is more concerned with a player's appearance than his conduct. (Stan Kegel) 

      A 61 year old male nurse was arrested in Sherman Oaks, California for having sex with a deceased person. After officials reviewed the security camera video, he received a traffic ticket for rear ending the patient, on which he was cited for 'Following too close'. (Jerry W.) 

      Doctors cleared Lakers center Dwight Howard to play Friday night after finding no further damage to his right shoulder. Hey, it was either that or try to surgically remove that big chip on it. (Dwight Perry) 

      Tiger Woods has proposed to his ex-wife. He has given up on other women, his main goal now is a hole in one. (Steve Yeich) 

      Tiger is apparently trying to reconcile with his ex. Ditto for Ahnold the Governator. Gary Bettman is apologizing to hockey fans. Is it a coincidence that the Chinese New Year is the year of the snake? (TC Chong)

      Winnipeg Jets welcomed their fans back by offering their hot dogs for $4, which is half the regular price. A team spokesman said, Oh well, $3.75 profit is better than nothing. (TC Chong)

      Maria Sharapova won her first two Aussie Open matches in straight sets -- 6-0, 6-0, and 6-0, 6-0. I haven't seen that much love since the Sixties. (RJ Currie) 

      A road in Norway was closed for six days when a truck carrying 27 tons of goat cheese caught fire in a tunnel. Local residents are happy the road is back open but they can’t figure out what to do with all that fondue. (Terry Etter) 


      In his inaugural address, President Obama praised the patriots of 1776, and said they were much better than the Patriots of last Sunday. (Jay Leno)

      Today's inauguration marked the first time ever a president used the word gay in an inauguration speech. It was the part of the speech where Obama pointed at the Washington moment and said, ''Whoever designed that thing must have been pretty gay." (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama took the oath of office outside the U.S. Capitol Monday. He gave his Inaugural address before a half million people all bundled up. It was so cold in Washington D.C. that by the end of the Inaugural ceremony, everybody's face looked like Nancy Pelosi's. (Argus Hamilton)

      What Scalia was really thinking at Obama’s second inaugural: "Hmmm, perhaps  I'm taking my St. Thomas More complex just a bit too far. If I don't accept the proposed reforms by this newly-emboldened Obama, he may just have my head." (Don Davis) 

      Vice President Joe Biden was also sworn in for his second term today. Biden swore on the Bible to uphold the Constitution and to keep doing whatever it is I do." (Conan O'Brien)

      More than a million people gathered in our nation's capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady's new haircut. Most people seem to like the hairstyle, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren't easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In his inaugural address, President Obama said, "America's possibilities are limitless." Unfortunately at that moment Lance Armstrong shouted out, "That's what I used to think." (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama said in his speech, "Any of us may face a job loss." And Republican members of Congress on the platform are thinking, "Why couldn't it have been you?" (Janice Hough)

      President Obama said valour knows no gender. Was that a comment on lifting the ban on women in combat, or the Manti Te'o romance? (Torben Rolfsen) 

      For some reason the president is expected to wax eloquent today on the many merits of a traditional milky alcoholic holiday drink. Can you think of any other reason they'd call this "Egg Nog Oration ceremony?" (Gary Hallock)

      The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be checking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, "That's not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way." (Conan O'Brien)  

      It was reported that President Obama's 2013 Inauguration Committee is receiving fewer donations than it did in 2009. The scaled-back event will feature fewer inaugural balls, a shorter parade, and a musical performance from the Black Eyed Pea. (Seth Meyers)

      I heard that President Obama's inauguration will have its own iPhone app that includes a map to public restrooms. Or as Al Roker put it, 'Download complete!' (Which is also what he said after pooping his pants at the White House.) (Jimmy Fallon)

      During the inauguration, Good Morning America host George Stephanopoulos gave a shout-out to who he thought was Morgan Freeman, but was actually Celtics great Bill Russell. Stephanopoulos then went on to say he was so excited to be at Denzel Washington's inauguration. (Conan O'Brien)

      During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia Obama. At this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in Afghanistan. (Conan O'Brien)

      I'm still reeling from yesterday's inauguration disaster. First off, where was security? The Secret Service is supposed to protect the president and first lady, but in the middle of a kiss, they were viciously photobombed. Enjoy Gitmo, Malia. (Stephen Colbert)  

      At the inaugural ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans. (Conan O'Brien)

      Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie. (Jay Leno)

      Yes, lip-gate. Beyonce-gate. The crisis in Lip-ya. Beyonc-gazi. If Beyonce lip-synced at Obama's inaugural, do you know what that means? If so, please write in because I'd love to know why I'm so angry! (Stephen Colbert)  

      Did she or didn't she? Now some say Beyonce was not lip-synching at President Obama's inaugural, but just singing along to a pre-recorded track. How long until the GOP calls for a congressional investigation? (Janice Hough)

      On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at President Obama's first inauguration than there was at this one. That's because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama paused as he left the inauguration ceremony and said, "I want to take a look one more time. I’m not going to see this again." Hearing this Bill Clinton nudged Hillary and just smiled.

      A rising chorus of congressional Republicans are calling on President Obama to acknowledge that the pop singer Beyoncé lip-synched during his inaugural festivities on Monday and resign from office, effective immediately. "By lip-synching the national anthem, Beyoncé has cast a dark cloud over the President's second term," said Sen. Rand Paul. "The only way President Obama can remove that cloud is by resigning from office at once." While many in the media have blamed Beyoncé for the lip-synching controversy, Mr. Paul said, "We must remember that this happened on President Obama's watch." (Andy Borowitz)


      Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years. (Seth Meyers) 

      The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, "You need a mint." (Bill Maher)

      Within a 48-hour period, an Indianapolis man shot himself in the hand as he was leaving the Indy 1500 Gun and Knife Show at the state fairgrounds.  In Medina, Ohio, a man shot himself in the arm and leg with a semi-automatic handgun he'd just bought at a gun show.  Three people were wounded at the Dixie Gun and Knife Show in Raleigh, NC when a 12-gauge shotgun went off as its new owner was removing it from the case.  Hey, there's no need to defeat the NRA -- they'll knock themselves off one at a time. (Bob Mills)  

      If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns." (Bill Maher, referring to the first lady's arm muscles) 

      Yesterday Joe Biden defended the White House's gun-control initiative by saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, "And I never leave home without 'em." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal,' though I'm not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it's just thirty hissing possums in a barn. (Seth Meyers)

      Rick Perry said Obama's suggestions for gun control disgust him. He said the real answer to this problem isn't laws, it's prayer. You know, i know you're not supposed to say this about elected officials, but I would pay to see Rick Perry defend himself against a school shooter with prayer. I guess that's just a crazy fantasy, Rick Perry in a school. (Bill Maher)

      Some moderate Democrats are on the fence about Obama's gun control plan.  They are well armed and will use the fence for cover if they need to. (Steve Yeich)

      Millions of unarmed Americans are all but helpless to defend themselves against the influenza epidemic currently sweeping the country, the NRA claims. "Viruses are much less likely to enter the homes of gun owners.  Still, poor firearms education, onerous regulations and lengthy waiting periods are leaving many of our most vulnerable citizens without the means to protect themselves against a deadly viral attack. The nation's oldest and youngest members are most in need of protection. We must arm our seniors and children not only with knowledge, but with quality, high-caliber handguns and rifles, In combination with the consumption of germ-killing alcohol, a well-armed American is virtually immune to influenza -- as has been demonstrated by the fact that gun owners who rarely leave their house, and drink large volumes of Kentucky bourbon almost never get the flu." the NRA report said. (News Mutiny)


      A scary moment at John Kerry's secretary of state confirmation hearing. One of the senators had taken his Ambien the night before and combined with the stuffy room and Kerry's boring speech, he slipped a coma. (Jay Leno)


      Now people are saying that Mantei knew it was a hoax way back in early December. He's gone from being the 'Fightin' Irish' to the 'Lyin' Hawaiian'. (Jay Leno)

      Mantei Te'o said he only lied about his fake girlfriend briefly, just after he found out she wasn't real in early December. So, okay, but if Deadspin hadn't broken the story, how many more years would he have kept the fiction up? (Janice Hough)

      Mantei Te’o’s online girlfriend was a hoax. Turns out he lied to her too. He told her Notre Dame had a chance to win a national championship. (Alan Ray)

      Mantei Te’o Claims his pet rabbit Harvey also died. "He was not only my best friend, but the son-oF-a-gun was big enough to fill in at linebacker if anything ever happened to me." (Don Davis)

      I think Mantei Te'o should count his blessings. Most guys are married before they find out their partner has been faking it. (RJ Currie)

      According to a new study out of the University of Wisconsin, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. To which Notre Dame's Mantei Te'o said, "Now you tell me!" (Jay Leno)

      Hardest thing to believe about this Mantei T'eo story? Maybe that in a era of "friends with benefits," a young man who is a good looking star athlete would be willing to have a girlfriend without benefits. (Janice Hough)


      Investigators say that tests showed Lance Armstrong was probably still doping in 2009, so that he lied when he told Oprah he stopped in 2005. So the formerly idolized cyclist was still less than honest, I'm shocked, shocked. (Janice Hough)

      During his Oprah interview, Lance Armstrong said "I can't lie to you." I'm wondering why, although I think we can rule out lack of practice. (RJ Currie)

      Coincidence? Lance and Te'o's girlfriend suddenly boast the same number of Tour de France titles. (Dwight Perry)

      Lance Armstrong admitted taking steroids on Oprah Winfrey's show Friday. He also discussed his competitive fire. Early in life, Lance Armstrong was inspired by a Notre Dame football coach who told him before a race to play like your fake girlfriend died today. (Argus Hamilton) ***

      During an interview with Oprah Winfrey Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour De France victories. Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn't even need a bike. (Seth Meyers)

      The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that Lance Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office. (Jay Leno)

      Two men are suing Lance Armstrong and his book publishers for fraud and false advertising because they say his two memoirs are full of lies. Wonder how long it will take bookstores to move all remaining copies to the 'Fantasy' section, or as my friend James Brady, considering the biotech involved, maybe the books should be in the 'Science Fiction' section. (Janice Hough)

      Lance Armstrong has told so many lies in regards to his doping and was believable for so long that he's being recruited to be the Democratic presidential candidate for 2016. (or Republican, your choice) (Steve Yeich)

      Lance Armstrong sues Lance Armstrong for saying Lance Armstrong did steroids. (Sports Pickle)


      The San Francisco 49ers will meet the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl after polishing off Atlanta even trailing 17-0 in the biggest comeback in playoff history.  Niner fans credit divine intervention and their phenomenal new QB Colin Kaepernick.   When he's in the huddle, they swear they hear singing from what they call the "Mormon Kaepernick Choir." (Bob Mills)  

      Coach Belichick snubbed the post game interview with CBS. The network didn’t buy the excuse that Bill was busy taking a call from Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. (TC Chong)

      There's been a lot of criticism over the NFL for not hiring enough minority coaches. And, of course, the NFL is trying to spin it. They said, "What are you talking about? We got two brothers coaching the Super Bowl." (Jay Leno)

      Super Sunday is February 3. This annual contest between the two highest achieving football teams reinforces important American values: Gambling and overeating. (Alan Ray)

      Busy week for Beyonce prepping for the Super Bowl halftime show. She's auditioning air guitarists. (Torben Rolfsen) 

      Next year's Super Bowl will be played outdoors in New Jersey.Watch for SB XLVIIIBRRRR. (TC Chong)


      Sen, Rand Paul blasted Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for her testimony on Benghazi before the Senate today: “Her tactic of answering each and every question we asked her didn’t fool anyone.” (Andy Borowitz)

      Joe Biden says he hasn't quite decided yet if he'll run for president in 2016. He better decide quickly -- the campaign should begin any day now. (Tim Hunter)


      A Michigan Supreme Court Justice has been charged with fraud. Apparently the justice isn’t worried. The U.S. Supreme Court threw out the entire presidential election in 2000 and no one said a word. (Jim Barach)  

      A Las Vegas woman is suing match.com for $!0 million, after a man she met on the site tried to kill her. The woman spent months in hospital after the knife attack. The man later murdered another woman he allegedly met on the site. He has since committed suicide in prison. (Cam Hutchinson)


      Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them -- a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: 'Less than half of you are parasites'. (Stephen Colbert)  

      Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help from President Obama? (Jay Leno)

      Asked a question about John Boehner's contention that Obama is trying to annihilate the GOP, White House spokesman Jay Carney said that is not the President's goal, and that he 'would object' if the GOP was destroyed. What he didn't add was, "anyway, the Republicans seem to be doing a good job of that on their own." (Janice Hough)


      Secretary of State Leon Penetta today officially lifted the U.S. military ban on women in combat. Anyone who doesn't think women will be able to hold their own in combat has clearly never been to the first day of an after-Christmas sale. (Janice Hough)

      U. S. Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta has officially lifted the longtime ban on Army and Marine Corps use of females in combat.  This is the most welcome news to men on the front line since the invention of chipped beef on toast.  At long last, foxholes with real foxes in them.  And no more "boots on the ground" -- from now on, "Stiletto heels on the ground." (Bob Mills)  

      The military have cleared women to go into combat. Going 'commando' is no longer restricted to shopping at Walmart, Safeway, Target and shoe sales. (TC Chong) 

      The Pentagon is lifting the ban on women in combat. To prepare women for fighting in a war zone, the Pentagon is sending them to the set of 'The View'. (Gary Bachman)


      Texas may require strippers to get a license. So, until they get a license, their title of stripper is only titular. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Colorado is planning to set limits on how stoned a person can be to drive. Apparently the measure calls for people to have to be able to drive no less than 20 mph under the speed limit. (Jim Barach)  

      A bill in Oregon would make cigarettes only available with a prescription. The question is which would be more difficult, finding a doctor who would write that prescription or having your health insurance company pay for it? (Jim Barach)  


      A 61-year-old male nurse was arrested after allegedly committing a sex act on a female corpse, Los Angeles police said Monday. However, let's give the guy the benefit of the doubt. It may have been happy hour with beers half-off when he and a coworker got off work and the coworker said, "let's drop in for a cold one." (Charles Wukasch)

      News channels called the male nurse a neck romancer. (Stan Kegel) 

      New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is being accused of lacking compassion for suggesting that uninsured patients not be given expensive prescriptions for pain.  He thinks the poor should relieve pain the same way they usually do -- by getting hooked on crack Tylenol. (Bob Mills)  

      Elyria (Ohio) Police went to a home on Brandtson Avenue today for a report of a 'suspicious female' shoveling a driveway without the homeowner's consent. During questioning, the officer discovered that 53-year-old Susan Warren had a warrant through Cuyahoga County Sheriff's Office for probation violation. In November of 2012, Warren was sentenced to one year of probation for breaking into a Westlake home, cleaning it and leaving a $75 bill for the homeowner on a napkin. Apparently the officer didn't believe her when she said her record was clean. (Best of the Web) 

      A Florida man was arrested for forcing his fiancee to swallow her engagement ring when she tried to leave him. He claims he was just following her doctor’s orders to eat more carats. (Jim Barach)  


      Stock values went up 85% during President Obama’s first term. Unfortunately, they had gone down 200% during President Bush’s second term. (Jim Barach)  


      Monday is a federal holiday. This means a shortened workweek for government employees. They’ll have only 4 days to check their Facebook. (Alan Ray)

      Some Subway foot long sandwiches have been measured to be only 11 inches. A spokesperson from Subway has booked time with Oprah this weekend. (TC Chong)

      Two New Jersey men are suing Subway Sandwiches because their foot-long sandwich was only 11 inches. Next they are going to sue Skippy because there is no butter in peanut butter. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Four U.S. men have now filed class action suits against Subway for fraud over their 11 inch "foot-long" sandwiches. If these clowns don't want to end up paying court costs for frivolous lawsuits they'd better hope no defense lawyer can find ex-girlfriends who might testify to their own exaggerated inches. (Janice Hough)

      The world's most famous circus is cutting jobs. Quick, raise your hands if you thought I meant the N.Y. Jets. (RJ Currie)  

      The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing ObamaCare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people's money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money. (Jay Leno)

      Video game-maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset they're organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President Reagan. (Conan O'Brien)


      The TSA is finally removing the airport body scanners. They will be used this week at New Orleans night clubs to check for weapons hidden in jogging suits. (TC Chong)

      Nissan dropped the price of its all-electric Leaf by six thousand dollars Friday to try to generate demand. No one wants them. These things will never sell until a carload of children are killed in one and PresIdent Obama tries to ban electric cars by executive order. (Argus Hamilton)

      Southwest Airlines has a new deal -- for an extra forty bucks, you're guaranteed being among the first fifteen to board.  And for $10 more you get your choice of sharing the pilot's pre-takeoff cocktail or the flight attendant will come around at mealtimes and show you pictures of food. (Bob Mills)  

      A Southwest Airlines flight aborted a takeoff from Denver when a warning light indicated a fire onboard. The jet stopped so abruptly that three tires blew out. No injuries, but wonder how long it will take to clean the seats. (Janice Hough)


      A New York teenage has made 404 false 911 calls since May 2012. The 16-year-old, who used a number of methods to make him difficult to track, was caught last week and charged with reckless endangerment, criminal impersonation, obstruction of governmental administration, filing false reports and criminal nuisance. (Cam Hutchinson)


      Today a female House Delegate in NM introduced a bill requiring rape victims to carry to full term so the infant could be used as evidence.  These people are insane. (Cons Dem)

      NASA & SPACE

      Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015. Russian scientists say they're excited to see what they could discover on the moon's surface. I'll tell you what they're going to discover -- an American flag! (Craig Ferguson)


      Some Canadian economists predict the nickel will follow the penny and be taken out of circulation. This may end familiar phrases in Canada like: 3. The five and dime; 2. If I had a nickel; 1. Grey Cup bonuses. (RJ Currie)

      Is it just me, or do the he Saskatchewan Roughriders change assistant coaches faster than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends? (Cam Hutchinson)


      Preparing to host next year's World Cup Soccer Match and the 2016 Olympics, Brazil has converted many of Rio's notorious brothels to standard hotels to help ease the housing shortage.  Some vestiges of their former use may still be evident, though.  For instance, a few of the ice machines will still dispense condoms, whips and lubricants. (Bob Mills)

      As Brazil prepares to host the 2014 Olympic Games in Rio, local women of the evening are taking classes in conversational English.  They're learning useful phrases such as "Hi, I'm Bambi and I'm happy to meet you," "Are you enjoying your visit to my country?" and "What's it like working for the Secret Service?" (Bob Mills)  


      Prince Harry said he let himself down at his infamous Las Vegas strip party. I'm thinking the bigger problem was letting his pants down. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Gardai, Ireland will issue rural residents of County Kerry permits to drive under the influence of alcohol on the grounds that they are cab and designated driver challenged.  Worldwide reaction was swift -- MADD condemned the action, police chiefs called for an investigation, and Lindsay Lohan is there right now shopping for a country home. (Bob Mills)  

      The County Kerry Council in southwest Ireland passed a measure on Monday that allows rural drivers to legally drive while under the influence of alcohol. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan plans to purchase a home in County Kerry, Ireland. (Gary Bachman)


      German zookeepers say Kidogo the gorilla won himself two wives by walking across a tightrope. Two wives? Isn't it enough to go out on a limb and marry one? (RJ Currie)


      In Japan a senior official is in trouble for saying in order to save money, elderly people should, quote, "Hurry up and die." Of course, if he loses his jobs, he has a bright future writing Mother's Day cards. (Conan O'Brien)


      This flu epidemic is bad. Your fever can go so high, and your mind can become so cloudy, you think you had an imaginary dead girlfriend. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Daily Mail reports a provocative Mercedes Super Bowl commercial starring supermodel Kate Upton has parental groups 'up in arms'. I'm thinking that's not all that will be up. (RJ Currie)

      According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the top two most unhealthy restaurant dishes were from The Cheesecake Factory. However, I should point out that, while those dishes had a lot of calories, it would be perfectly OK for you to eat them if you didn't eat again this year. (Tim Hunter)

      A report links energy drinks with health problems in teens. It’s really a recent phenomenon. The words 'energy' and 'teen' used in the same sentence. (Alan Ray)

      A Netherlands study says hearing a musical instrument being played lowers blood pressure. I'm guessing the Dutch don't play bagpipes. (RJ Currie)

      A bioethicist says fat-shaming may help to curb obesity. He’s actually starting a new counseling program. Space is limited to the first 15 lard asses. (Alan Ray)


      Icy cold temperatures are still blanketing the Northeast. But back in Southern California the only serious frost remaining is between Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard. (Janice Hough)

      It rained so much, La Jolla resident, Mitt Romney, had to throw a tarp over the dog crate on top of his car. (Alex Kaseberg)


      The LA Clippers are trending downward by losing three in a row, the Lakers are hopeless and the Kings have started their season winless in three. Jacksonville Jaguars relocating to Southern Cal would be a nice fit. (TC Chong)

      In the past few days we saw a once great cyclist humbled on national TV, and one of the best college football players caught in some kind of Internet hoax involving a fake dead girlfriend. See, this is why I love sports.  (Brad Dickson)