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Weakly Humerus News 01-20-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    Jan 21, 2013 Expand Messages
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-20-13
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Tomorrow, Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney. (David Letterman) 

      Having a fake girlfriend means never having to say you're sorry. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady's home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Monte T'eo has agreed to an televised interview with Katie Couric. Did even Oprah find his potential explanations unbelievable? (Janice Hough)

      Even a doubting Thomas, hearing a former Charger was now in prison, knew he just had to be Leaf. (David F. Thomas, MD)

      Tiger Woods is apparently trying to reconcile with his ex. Rumor has it that he has reached out to Manti Te’o for advice on starting with an online relationship. (TC Chong)  

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work today and as a joke, her staff gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection. (Conan O'Brien)  

      Maria Sharapova blanked her first two Aussie Open opponents in straight sets—6-0, 6-0 and 6-0, 6-0. I haven't seen that much love since the '60s. (RJ Currie)

      Washington National’s Bryce Harper said he showers seven times on game day. With revelations of so many athletes doping, it’s nice to know at least one guy is clean. (Gary Bachman)

      A study found male jurors are more likely to convict an overweight female. Talk about tipping the scales of justice. (Cam Hutchinson)

      American Idol started tonight. Which will be a nice diversion for Americans tired of watching Congress - aka American Idle. (Janice Hough)

      Subway is being accused of selling foot-long sandwiches that are only 11 inches long. That's because Subway was started by a man, and men are always over exaggerating things by at least an inch. (Jim Barach)

      Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia. (Craig Ferguson)

      The White House says that Texas must remain part of the U. S. in answer to a petition asking the state be allowed to secede. However, they did say that Alabama and Mississippi were more than welcome to see how it would work if they tried it. (Jim Barach)

      MANTI T'EO

      Notre Dame has a kid named Manti Te'o, a linebacker. It turns out his girlfriend was imaginary. I feel bad for the Notre Dame kid because when I was in college things like that would happen to me. I would meet a lot of real women and they would give me imaginary phone numbers. (David Letterman)  

      Notre Dame's superstar linebacker Manti Te'o apparently had an online girlfriend who didn't really exist. They're calling it the biggest hoax involving Notre Dame since they were ranked number one in the nation. (Jay Leno)

      A Notre Dame Heisman candidate with a fake dead girlfriend. A rout MIGHT have been expected, but okay, with this year's BCS National Championship, who predicted that the Alabama football program could also end up on the higher moral ground? And here most people thought the 2013 BCS game was the most embarrassing thing that could happen to Notre Dame football. (Janice Hough)

      Manti Te'o is a linebacker at Notre Dame. In September, his girlfriend passed away. The media ran with the story of the football hero overcoming personal tragedy. But it turned out she never existed. Some people play fantasy football. Manti Te'o plays fantasy people. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o is being accused of making up an online girlfriend, and then lying about her death last year so that it would help him win the Heisman Trophy. Te'o's online girlfriend was a complete fabrication. When they heard that, nerds were like, "Man, even IMAGINARY girls only like jocks." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Notre Dame player Manti Te'o is being accused of fraud and deception over his imaginary girlfriend. Some say this hoax could harm Manti's ranking in the NFL draft. On the other hand, it could open up an entire new branch of fantasy football. (Conan O'Brien)

      Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o was the victim of a hoax. Te’o recently discovered his online girlfriend, one who allegedly died and inspired him all season, didn’t exist. In a related story, Notre Dame officials said the George Gipp story is true. (Bill Littlejohn)  

      How quickly things can change. Was it only last week that the most talked about story involving a college football player and his girlfriend involved Brent Musberger? (Janice Hough)

      Some are criticizing Manti T'eo for still talking about his girlfriend even after he found out she wasn't real. But hey, plenty of people live with a fantasy they know doesn't exist -- like Cubs fans and their team in the World Series. (Janice Hough)

      One thing that Manti Te’o never shared with his fictitious GF was Italian food. For sure they never had a Pizza Te’o. Who was it that said, "Women may fake orgasms, but only a man can fake an entire relationship." (TC Chong)  

      What's the big deal about Notre Dame star Manti Te'o and his imaginary girlfriend? I've always liked going out with women when they're made up. (RJ Currie)

      Te'oing: The act of hugging an imaginary person. (Urban Dictionary)

      How do you describe Notre Dame star Manti Te'o's non-existant girlfriend? A figmente'o? (RJ Currie)

      There’s a rumor that Manti Te’o will star in a remake of 'Harvey'. (Gary Bachman) 

      Notre Dame's heralded 2013 recruiting class is a hoax, None of them exist. (Sports Pickle)

      How annoying was Nicki Minaj on “American Idol”? If Nicki Minaj was Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend, he would have broken up with her before she died. (Alex Kaseberg)

      LANCE ARMSTRONG

      Oprah Winfrey says she conducted "an intense two and a half hour interview with Lance Armstrong." Oprah said she never would have had the stamina if Lance wouldn't have given her something to keep going. (Conan O'Brien)

      Lance Armstrong has admitted doping to Oprah. You’ve got to admire the man’s courage for coming forward. For him to sit down with her really took some ball. (Alan Ray)

      The first part of Oprah Winfrey's big interview with Lance Armstrong aired tonight. At one point, Lance broke down and cried. And here's a funny thing. Wherever a tear landed, a new muscle grew. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      When did it became obvious Lance Armstrong was using performance-enhancing drugs -- That one year he won the race on the stationary bike. (Jay Leno)  

      Whether or not you support Lance Armstrong, you can agree on one thing. The admission allows us all to go back to not giving a crap about cycling. (Craig Ferguson)

      Tonight @ 8 p.m. Lance Armstrong admits that everything he said last night was a lie. (Brad Dickson)

      Lance Armstrong told Oprah his attitude during his cycling career was scary. What's next? Lindsay Lohan confessing she sometimes gets tipsy? (RJ Currie)

      On Oprah’s show today, in an interview with the famous drugged peddler it was revealed that those chickens which come from Lance Armstrong’s training farm will show up at McDonald’s missing a Nugget. (Jerry W.) 

      The Post Office will sue Lance Armstrong for the $30 million in sponsorship money. That is when you know you’re in trouble when the Post Office is suing you for doing a bad job. I'm thinking maybe Lance can pay them back by sharing some of his stuff. Because if any government agency needs PEDs. (Alex Kaseberg)

      GUN CONTROL

      In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, "Yeah, that's how families work." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The NRA reported getting thousands of new applicants a day since the White House called for gun control. WalMart stores are selling out of guns. The Automobile Dealers of America just issued a plea to President Obama asking him to call for car control. (Argus Hamilton)

      Bill Clinton weighed in on gun control Thursday, telling a Las Vegas audience that high capacity magazines are nuts. He said that nobody needs a hundred bullets. He grew up in Hot Springs, where mobsters who needed a hundred bullets weren't employed for long. (Argus Hamilton)

      Private gun sales are being banned at a North Carolina gun show after three people were injured in an accidental shooting involving a 12-gauge shotgun. Waiting for the NRA to demand armed guards at gun shows. (Janice Hough)

      A study says that 60% of young Americans are planning to buy a gun at some point in their life. Mostly when they lose their job and their unemployment runs out and they need to hold up convenience stores to get by. (Jim Barach)

      Wal Mart will be meeting with Joe Biden to discuss gun control–and to offer him a job as a greeter. (Gary Bachman)

      Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns. (Jay Leno)

      THE INAUGURATION

      The presidential inauguration never really interested me until I realized I could run the country while everyone else was at the party. Then I'd just keep extending the inauguration until congress finally caught on -- which would never happen. (Bob Schulties)

      Tickets to President Obama's inauguration have sold out. At least that's what the president is telling Joe Biden. (Conan O'Brien)

      On Sunday the White House will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for President Obama. Not to be outdone, on Sunday Republicans will hold a private swearing-at ceremony for President Obama. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama will take the oath of office with Lincoln's bible and give his State of the Union on Lincoln's birthday. What's with him? It's the most effort by a president to be just like his hero since Bill Clinton took the oath of office with his right hand on a stack of Playboys. (Argus Hamilton)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in office this morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling America will go into default on its loans and we might have to say goodbye to Florida. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama said this week that he wants to find a "pathway for citizenship" for immigrants in the United States. Don't we have that? It's called the Rio Grande river. (Jay Leno)

      Senator Rand Paul accused President Obama of acting like an absolute monarch and said the American Revolution was fought to overthrow monarchy. Actually it was fought to overthrow Parliament, no one was mad at the king. To this day, Queen Elizabeth is so popular with Americans that whoever's the president we cheerfully patronize as Plan B. (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House has rejected an online petition to build a planet-destroying Death Star like the one in the movie Star Wars. Officials said today the administration does not support blowing up planets. See, the White House believes the most effective way to destroy planets is with their economic policy. (Jay Leno)

      Happy birthday to first lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today. She told a reporter she'd like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. Oh, don't worry. Obama is very responsible when he's spending his own money. (Jay Leno)

      Things are getting contentious again in Washington. Fully expect House Republicans to ask President Obama to cut costs by exchanging Air Force One for a Dreamliner. (Janice Hough)

      THE CONGRESS

      History was made as Hawaii Democrat Tulsi Gabbard was sworn in as the first Hindu to serve in the United States Congress.  She claims she won't let her religion dictate her behavior as a lawmaker, but there are skeptics.  She's already introduced a bill that would repeal the import tax on incense, saris and prayer rugs. (Bob Mills)

      Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport. (Jimmy Fallon)

      House Speaker John Boehner, talking about recent ‘Fiscal Cliff’ negotiations, was quoted as saying, "I need this job like a hole in the head.” Bad news, John, you have both." (Chad Picasner)

      THE COURTS

      Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke. It's already being called the best 'that's what she said' joke ever. (Conan O'Brien)

      Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke in a court session for the first time in nearly seven years. The amazing thing is that witnesses swear they didn't even see Justice Antonin Scalia's lips move while it happened. (Jim Barach)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Colin Powell said today on 'Meet the Press' that he's still a member of the Republican Party. The questions is whether some GOP members of Congress can honestly say the same thing. (Janice Hough)

      THE STATES

      Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year we'll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months. It's a huge achievement for Governor Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying, "I'll be back" all the time. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he is planning to run for Congress. Instead of throwing the whole state into turmoil when he disappeared for a week as Governor, this way he can disappear for two years and no one will notice. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Ray Nagin, former Mayor of New Orleans, was indicted today on 21 federal corruption charges, including bribery, money laundering, fraud and filing false tax returns. Gosh, this almost qualifies Nagin to run for Governor of Louisiana. (Janice Hough)

      The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep? (Jay Leno)

      Police in California reportedly found an 'alligator-like creature' guarding a stash of illegal drugs. I'm thinking it was croc cocaine. (RJ Currie)

      While a Southern California teacher lost her appeal over being fired for previous acting in porn films, up in Northern California, a police officer arrested when he was caught naked in a Motel 6 with a prostitute still has his job. What a country. (Janice Hough)

      An L. A. judge banned former porn actress Stacy Hollis from teaching in L. A. Tuesday. It's obvious why. It's one thing for teachers to have affairs with the students, but bringing in a pro could jeopardize their amateur standing and put their college scholarships at risk. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Houston newspaper reporter who was fired for being a stripper on the side has taken another job with a newspaper in San Antonio. People suspected she had been hired when a pole suddenly appeared in the newsroom. (Jim Barach)

      A 64-year-old woman in Tennessee is charged with assaulting her church's pastor with a Bible. She's lucky it didn't happen in Texas; they'd ask for the electric pew. (RJ Currie)

      The NYPD asked New York pharmacies to battle drug thefts by placing a GPS chip on every prescription bottle. We're living in a police state. They wound up arresting hundreds of homeowners for failure to throw the plastic bottle in the proper recycling bin. (Argus Hamilton)

      Eighteen severed human heads were discovered by customs agents at Chicago's O'Hare airport. Authorities are trying to discover if the heads are medical specimens. If not, will they be searching topless bars? (Janice Hough)

      18 human heads being found due to a paperwork snafu in a shipment at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport: Commissioner Goodell ordered NFL owners to be more careful in next season on Black Monday. (Bill Littlejohn)

      18 human heads were found at Chicago's O'hare International Airport that were being taken to be cremated. Apparently they missed their flight with the rest of their bodies because the plane just didn't have enough headroom. (Jim Barach)

      A Washington woman is accused of using her breasts to smother and kill her boyfriend. He will be buried in the Cascades–between two peaks. (Gary Bachman)

      A Florida couple got into a fight resulting in the woman biting off half her boyfriend's ear. She said her biggest complaint is that he never listens. (Jay Leno)

      A Seattle travel agent has been charged for stealing 3.7 million airmiles from clients, and using them for family trips. Police became suspicious when she booked a trip to Las Vegas via Vancouver, Minneapolis, Memphis, Denver and San Francisco. (Cam Hutchinson)

      THE ECONOMY

      As we head into Inaugural weekend, the Dow and S&P 500 finished the week at their highest levels since December 2007. I blame Obama. (Janice Hough) 

      An economist is suggesting that the U. S. Treasury mint a trillion-dollar county and deposit it in the federal reserve -- which is how "The Lord of the Rings" starts, isn't it? The Treasury will not mint a trillion-dollar coin. That is a shame. Wouldn't it be nice to mint up nine or 10 and say we're even? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Coca Cola is running a new anti-obesity ad. Isn't that like John Boehner doing an ad on the dangers of tanning booths? Or John Edwards and Mark Sanford doing a bipartisan ad defending marriage. (Janice Hough)

      An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three years ahead of his time. (Conan O'Brien)

      Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U. S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco. (Conan O'Brien)

      A spokesperson from Subway has booked time with Oprah this weekend. (TC Chong)

      New Wrangler jeans are being made with moisturizer in the fabric. How fat are we getting that our pants need to be lubricated to get them on? (Jim Barach)

      Cirque du Soleil just announced that it is cutting 400 jobs. So on the downside, hundreds of clowns will lose their jobs. But on the bright side, it'll free up, like, two spaces in the parking lot. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Half of Americans begin collecting Social Security benefits at 62, which is the earliest possible date. Financial experts always recommend waiting until age 66+ to reap max return. Of course, these gurus aren’t the ones working at freaking Walmart.  (Will the Thrill)  

      TRANSPORTATION

      Boeing 787 Dreamliners around the world have been grounded due to potential fire risk with battery failures. United Airlines, the only U.S. carrier to fly the planes, says they will resume flying 787s when it is both deemed safe and they figure out how to charge a battery surcharge. (Janice Hough)

      Carmakers are steering away from steel parts to meet goals for fuel economy. Which in the U. S. means the heaviest part of any car is now the passengers. (Jim Barach)

      At Newark Airport, a United Airlines employee was injured today when he was pinned between a luggage cart and a food service truck. Most travelers were shocked - United still has food trucks? (Janice Hough)

      A new Nissan Leaf ad asks what it would be like to have a vehicle with no toxic emissions? It's also what the Maple Leafs asked when they fired Brian Burke. (RJ Currie)

      The President of GM says the electric car is "not dead". Although in the case of the Chevy Volt, the battery pretty much usually is. (Jim Barach)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids away from drugs – put them in vegetables. (Jay Leno)

      A study says that male jurors are more likely to convict an overweight female. Which means the scales of justice are set at about 150 pounds. (Jim Barach)

      A former Mafia underboss is saying that Jimmy Hoffa is buried in Detroit. Presumably somewhere that didn't get a lot of traffic, like the Lions' end zone. (Janice Hough)

      IMMIGRATION

      The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the U. S. Obama says it's all part of his plan to give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes. (Jimmy Fallon)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      Rio de Janiero newspapers reported Friday that local prostitutes are taking English classes for next year's World Cup in Rio. They have all-night bars, topless beaches and hooking's legal. There's a statue of Jesus that overlooks Rio but at night and on weekends they blindfold him. (Argus Hamilton)


      An armed man stole an 18-carat gold-plated vibrator, valued at $4,000 from a luxury sex shop in Brazil. The store owner says the thief didn’t take the vibrator’s charger. "I really don’t know what he’ll do. I’ll leave it up to his imagination." (Cam Hutchinson)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Ten million burgers containing horsemeat have been recalled from Irish and British supermarkets. Apparently, Irish and British authorities have said neigh to horsemeat. (Gary Bachman)

      EUROPE

      In Paris, hundreds of thousands of people marched to protest the French president's plan to allow gay couples to marry and adopt children. And this is the country that ridicules the U.S. for making a big deal of politicians who have mistresses? (Janice Hough)

      A Swedish inventor has created a stereo-equipped coffin so the departed can have music. Like I always say about listening to Celine Dion, over my dead body. (RJ Currie)

      It seems a doctor in Germany is being sued by the family of a patient who died after 16 items were left inside of him after the surgery. The doctor said he felt terrible. He tried to call the family but couldn't find his cell phone. (Jay Leno)

      Orange News reports an 11-year-old Belgian girl has taught her cow equestrian-style jumping. Is that a bovine intervention? (RJ Currie)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      Millions of Hindus plunged into the river Ganges in an annual ritual that they believe will wash their sins away. In related news, Lance Wrongwrong went on Oprah’s show. (TC Chong)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      Air New Zealand has unveiled a Hobbit-themed airplane. But of course, real Hobbit fans only fly Virgin. (Conan O'Brien)

      HEALTH

      Flu season is here. There's always a group of people who are too paranoid to get a flu shot, even though about half of them have between one and 80 tattoos. What these people are saying is: "I do not trust the doctors to tell me the flu shot is safe and effective, but I do trust the guy with a nose ring to inject me repeatedly with ink." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      This flu epidemic is just terrible. Experts say that those hit hardest are the very old and the very young. So that's especially bad news for Hugh Hefner and his new bride. (Jay Leno)

      A Manhattan youth soccer club has banned high fives because of the flu outbreak. Which is why the Lakers have been so healthy this season. They rarely have any reason to high five each other. (Jim Barach)

      The FDA has now also approved Botox for treating patients with overactive bladder. So women who want to pretend they aren't having work done can walk into the doctor's office carrying a box of Depends. (Janice Hough)

      According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the top two most unhealthy restaurant dishes were from The Cheesecake Factory. The most unhealthy dish at The Cheesecake Factory was something called the bistro shrimp pasta, with 3,120 calories. And that's before the cheesecake. (Jay Leno)

      A group of nutritionists criticized The Cheesecake Factory for a pasta dish that has 3,000 calories. A representative from Olive Garden said, "What is pasta? Tell us more of this interesting dish." (Conan O'Brien)

      A new brain monitor alerts doctors when a patient is awake during surgery. It also means that the patient's insurance has just notified them that they don't cover the anesthesiologist's bill. (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      It's cold here in L. A. We broke records last night. It was so cold, Charlie Sheen filled his bed with porn stars just to stay warm, Mel Gibson was seen drunk driving in a snowmobile, and Matthew McConaughey was seen wearing a shirt. (Craig Ferguson)

      Everyone was talking about how cold it was on the Golden Globes red carpet. The temperature was in the low 50s. In fact, it was so cold, Ryan Seacrest had to get his hair defrosted. (Jimmy Fallon)

      SPORTS

      BASKETBALL

      A Florida lawyer is suing the Spurs for sending their stars home from a road trip early, saying that fans attending San Antonio's game against the Miami Heat "suffered economic damages" because they paid a premium price for a ticket to see a good team. Yikes. If he is successful, bring on the class action suit from Lakers fans. (Janice Hough)

      A motto for any San Antonio Spur contemplating divorce: Remember the alimony. (RJ Currie)

      An Indiana girls high-school basketball team won a game 107-2. Nobody from the Hoosier State has ended up this far out front since the gods created Larry Bird's nose. (RJ Currie)

      BASEBALL

      The NY Mets apparently are taking a look at erstwhile SF Giants closer Brian Wilson. What's more optimistic - that Wilson will return to form after his second Tommy John surgery? Or that the Mets will have games to close? (Janice Hough)

      Ichiro Suzuki says being traded to the Yankees "energized" him. He says he's going to try really hard this year. In related news, Robinson Cano says he is inspired by Ichiro'S enthusiasm and he now promises he will run very hard to first base at least once every game. (Chad Picasner)

      MLB's rules committee may declare this year that the fake-to-third, throw-to-first pickoff move is a balk. Well, not like it caught anyone but Barry Bonds anyway. (Janice Hough)

      FOOTBALL -- PRO

      The final four in the NFL face off on Sunday. The AFC and NFC championship games showcase health and physical fitness. They are sponsored by Budweiser, Doritos, and Taco Bell. (Alan Ray)  

      The AFC Championship game is Sunday. The Baltimore Ravens win with their defense. They stop more forward progress than the Tea Party. (Alan Ray)

      The NFC Championship game is Sunday. Forty-Niners QB Colin Kaepernick has great scrambling ability. He has more speed than Lindsay Lohan’s medicine cabinet. (Alan Ray)

      Actually the Super Bowl itself should be no problem. But what John and Jim Harbaugh's parents really want to do is to hide out from the media for 13 days of interview hell. (Janice Hough)

      Okay, I know I personally got distracted by the Manti T'eo girlfriend issue and Lance Armstrong but watching the 49ers Falcons game have to figure the  NFL outlawed pass defense last week while we weren't paying attention? (Janice Hough)

      This just in, as a way to cut down on illegitimate children and embarrassment to the league, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is recommending all players start having fantasy girlfriends. (Janice Hough)

      Chicago Bears receiver Brendan Marshall said some NFL players are taking Viagra to give themselves a performance edge. That's very scary. At last we know what Troy Aikman means when he says you don't want to be on the bottom of that pile after a fumble. (Author Unknown)

      FOOTBALL -- COLLEGE

      A number of underclassmen from the University of Alabama football team will enter the NFL draft. No classes, a paycheck, and loose rules on behavior. All will have had previous experience. (Alan Ray)

      A week after saying, "I'm not leaving Oregon for the NFL," Chip Kelly has agreed to be the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. Even Lance Armstrong was like, "Pick a story and stick with it." (Jimmy Fallon)  

      Did ex-Oregon coach Chip Kelly leave on his own or was he told to Duck Off. Guess returning to Oregon was not all it was quacked up to be. (TC Chong)  

      Oregon football coach Chip Kelly is leaving for the Philadelphia Eagles. He won’t worry about players going to class or misbehaving off the field. In other words, same job description. (Alan Ray)

      Chip Kelly is very optimistic about his new job in Philadelphia. The new Eagles coach even figures by his second season he will finally have a team good enough to beat Alabama. (Janice Hough)

      Two players for the Texas Longhorns were suspended from the Alamo Bowl. I wonder if that was without pay.  (Greg Cote)

      HOCKEY

      The NHL lockout lasted 113 days. Hockey starved Canuck fans at the home opener this weekend won’t even notice the 4 month old flat beer and stale peanuts. (TC Chong)

      The National Hockey League resumes Saturday after a long lockout. They are a special breed. Hockey introduced the first protective cup in 1874 but didn't use helmets until 1974, meaning it took one hundred years for men to realize their brains are also important. (Argus Hamilton)

      The National Hockey League begins its season Saturday after months of delay due to a lockout that nearly cancelled the season. Fans can't wait. Americans are desperate to enjoy senseless bloody fighting over something besides the debt ceiling and gun control. (Argus Hamilton)

      Since they've already cancelled so many NHL games why don't they just declare the entire season at this point one big playoff and go from there? (Janice Hough)

      A new Nissan Leaf ad asks what it would be like to have a vehicle with no toxic emissions? It's also what the Maple Leafs asked when they fired Brian Burke. (RJ Currie)

      OTHER SPORTS

      It took over five hours for Novak Djokovic to beat Stanislas Wawrinka in an Australian Open match. Five hours?! That's almost as long as the opening remarks for a Joe Biden speech. (Janice Hough)

      ATHLETES

      Sources are saying that Tiger Woods wants to marry his ex-wife and might be willing to go for a no-cheating clause. This special clause would be known as a wedding vow. (Conan O'Brien)

      Tiger Woods is trying to have his wife -- again. There is a rumor that he's offered her $200 million to return, but she's holding out for $250 million and Tiger's favorite nine iron. Might as well be prepared for the next break-up. (Dwight Perry)

      Johnny Manziel celebrated his Heisman Trophy by going to the lanes with his girlfriend and losing by 44 pins. Who says he's a future Pro Bowler? (RJ Currie) 

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