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294Weakly Humerus News 01-06-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    Jan 6, 2013
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-06-13

      Not much 'Humerus News' this week. Most of the comedians are on vacation, and those still working don't seem to find much humorous in the news. (Stan Kegel)


      Some people are concerned 2013 will be an unlucky year because of the number 13. As compared to those lucky years like 2012 and 2011. (Jay Leno)

      NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre says the NRA membership is standing behind him. Mostly because no one wants to stand in front of a crazy man with a gun. (Jim Barach)

      According to FBI statistics, hammers are more deadly than rifles. Craftsman Tools stock rose sharply today after the NRA released a statment that the only way to stop bad guys with hammers is good guys with hammers. (Gary Bachman

      Rumor has it the same analyst sees Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Or as psychologists call it, hitting the crackpot. (RJ Currie)

      Laser surgery on ATL and other patella injuries are now done with knee-on lights. (Stan Kegel) 

      The most disappointing thing about 2012. President Obama had promised to pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq and we didn't completely.  Of course, Kanye promised the same thing to Kim. (Tim Hunter)

      Chip Kelly is apparently close to a deal with the Cleveland Browns. Anyone want to start the pool on when the NCAA will announce sanctions on the Oregon Ducks? (Janice Hough)  

      After hours and hours of tough negotiation, the most powerful people in America have finally come to an agreement -- that’s right, if it’s a girl, they’ll name it Kim, and if it’s a boy, they’ll name it Kanye. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Michigan's Lake Superior State University has released the 2012 crop of 'The Last Words to be Banished From the Queen's English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness'. Included are 'fiscal cliff', 'trending', 'guru' and 'passionate'. Also 'to Kardashian' (to reach the top with no discernible talent) and 'GaGa"' (a protein-enriched wardrobe). (Bob Mills)  


      It’s New Year’s Eve. Or as it’s known in D.C.: 'The Cliff Hanger'. (Terry Etter)

      Two hours after midnight in D.C., the Senate passed a bill to avert the "fiscal cliff" 89-8. 89-8? That's not a vote count, that's a score for an SEC team against one of their out-of-conference football opponents. (Janice Hough)  

      Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama signed the new fiscal cliff tax increase into law while vacationing in Hawaii today. He used an autopen, an electronic way of signing your name when you're not even there. Politicians can now raise your taxes while they're on vacation in Hawaii. This is a Democrat's dream come true. (Jay Leno)


      Chris Christie lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, "Hey, we don't do anything for anybody." (Jay Leno)


      Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West’s child, although she is still married to Kris Humphries. Her life is changing from reality show to soap opera. (Jim Barach)

      Kim Kardashian is pregnant. I just hope the media doesn't make a big deal about it. I hope it doesn't get blown way out of proportion. That means Kim will be seeking publicity for two now. (David Letterman)

      Celebrity Café reported Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were expecting a baby just hours before the rapper announced the news onstage Monday. The queen of reality TV is having a baby with the king of the rappers. So the Mayans only missed it by nine months. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sources say that Kim Kardashian’s baby may appear on reality TV. The cameras will probably be rolling when the baby is born. Why not? After seeing her wedding on TV and buying her sex video, most people see a televised birth as the next logical sequel. (Jim Barach)


      Senator Dianne Feinstein introduced a bill that bans automatic guns Thursday. Her bill also requires all gun owners to be fingerprinted. O.J. Simpson is openly complaining in prison that today they are after the gun owners, and tomorrow it'll be the knife owners. (Argus Hamilton)

      The FBI says that more people are murdered by hammers and clubs than by rifles. Just ask Tiger Woods who came that close to being done in by a 9 iron. (Jim Barach)

      California gun sales are up, but the number of gun casualties are down. Mostly because armed robberies are a thing of the past since no one has anything of value to steal anymore. (Jim Barach)

      In response to the Sandy Hook school shooting, the LA police Department will send an officer to visit every school in LA County at least once a day. Some parents have expressed fears that it may be dangerous to introduce a group used to seeing gun play and violence on a daily basis.  But the cops insist they know the dangers and will wear extra body armor. (Bob Mills)

      NRA officials conducted a seance, joining hands in a circle while attempting to contact Charleston Heston for instructions. Heston didn't pick up. He was at a shooting range with John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald and Bonnie and Clyde. (Mark Russell)


      Looks like Obama's keeping Gitmo, they just can't close it. -- It's the Olive Garden of prisons. It gets terrible reviews but somehow stays open. (Bill Maher)


      The National Journal says that Joe Biden may be the most influential vice president in history. Joe Biden got this exciting news while he was walking President Obama's dog, Bo. (Jay Leno)

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was hospitalized to treat a minor blood clot Sunday in New York City. She's described as doing just fine and improving rapidly. However Bill Clinton paid a visit to her hospital room, and minutes later he took a turn for the nurse. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former GOP senator Chuck Hagel is reported to be Obama's nominee for Secretary of Defense. And Sen. Lindsey Graham said on Dec. 30 there would be "very little Republican support" for his nomination. (Janice Hough)  


      For New Year’s Eve 2013, it looks like Congress who will drop the ball. (Gary Bachman 

      Congress is at work on New Year’s Day! So now they have an actual excuse for not working the other 364 days this year. (Terry Etter)

      Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, "Well, that's enough work for the year." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Congress has begun a new term. Their goal this session is to cut spending. We the people, not theirs. (Alan Ray)

      John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty amazing -- a Republican winning anything these days. (Jay Leno)

      There are reports that John Boehner told Harry Reid to go F himself outside of the Oval Office last week. Then on top of that Republicans told Reid that if he does F himself, they won't pay for his contraception. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Nancy Pelosi posted a picture of all the House Democratic women posing on the Capitol steps. But the picture included photo-shopped images of four women who actually hadn't made it to the photo shoot. Shocking, Pelosi might try to doctor an appearance? (Janice Hough)  

      Illinois Senator Mark Kirk says his debilitating stroke was a “gift from God.” Apparently losing some of his brain capacity has made it a lot easier to understand the thought process of many of his colleagues. (Jim Barach)


      A California Appellate court reversed a rape conviction on the grounds that having sex with a woman while she is sleeping by making her believe he is someone she cares for is a crime only if the woman is married and she believes it was her husband. The decision was based on an obscure 1880 law that has never been repealed. (Stan Kegel)  


      The governor of Pennsylvania has filed a suit against the NCAA over the sanctions imposed on Penn State because of the Jerry Sandusky scandal. It’s an antitrust suit. That’s just what Penn State needs -- less trust. (Terry Etter)

      Pennsylvania Gov. Corbett says he waited until now to sue the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State because he wanted time to research, and he "did not want the case to interfere with the football season." Sounds like the same priorities that got the university in trouble in the first place. (Janice Hough)  

      A new study from an Ohio State engineering professor shows that as many as 49,000 people in Central Florida, mostly Democrats, did not vote because of long lines and other problems at the polls. The Florida GOP is appalled. They clearly made voting too easy. (Janice Hough)  


      California firefighters reportedly had to rescue a horse that got stranded in a second-story hayloft. In related news, hockey fans asked NHL owners and players to get off their high horse. (RJ Currie)

      Philadelphia high schools are installing free condom dispensers. This will replace the traditional sex education curriculum. It was part a pull out program. (Alan Ray)

      Two California teenagers have been arrested for drugging one’s parents in order to use the Internet. The worst part is that after all that they didn’t have time to even find anything because the parents used AOL. (Jim Barach)

      Parking meters in downtown Chicago have gone up to $6.50 an hour. It would be cheaper to just pay someone to drive your car around the block for eight hours until you are done with work. (Jim Barach)

      An 18 year old Oregon man, and I use that term loosely, was arrested after two FB friends called police when they saw his late-night post "Drivin drunk ... classic  ;)  but to whoever's vehicle I hit I am sorry. :P " Looks like we have another frontrunner for a 2013 Darwin award. (Janice Hough)  


      In an attempt to 'reduce the carbon footprint', the CEO of Starbucks says the company will replace cardboard cups in favor of reusable ones. Company bean counters concluded that the trees saved would offset the extra paper needed to print dollar bills -- six of which on average are charged to fill the reusable cups. (Bob Mills)  

      I heard that Dunkin' Donuts is testing a new line of gluten-free pastries. So if you're looking to eat healthy, still no. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Some stuff you just can’t make up. The state association of opticians is looking for an executive director. Of course their ad says they’re looking for a 'visionary'. (Terry Etter)

      Winter will be over almost two months early. At least according to Macy's. The fine print under their 'Biggest sale of the season' ad says "refers to our Winter season 11-1-12 to 1-31-13." (Janice Hough)  

      On Monday night, thieves broke into the Apple store in Paris and stole one million dollars worth of iPhones and iPads. That’s right -- they took four iPhones and two iPads. (Jimmy Fallon)


      The Ford Focus is the top selling car in the world for 2012. Apparently people like that it gets good mileage and has enough room to comfortably sleep a family of four. (Jim Barach)

      Toyota agreed in U.S. court Friday to pay two billion dollars to settle lawsuits alleging sudden acceleration and brake failure in newer model Toyotas. The needed repairs may take years. More Toyota owners would stop and get their cars fixed, if only they could. (Argus Hamilton)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA is reportedly testing new insomnia-fighting lighting on the space station to help occupants stay awake. Interested potential customers include the Washington Wizards, Chicago Cubs and Toronto Maple Leafs. (RJ Currie)


      Economists say Canadian interest rates remain low heading into 2013. But enough about the NHL. (RJ Currie)


      A love motel for pet breeding has opened in Brazil. The rooms for dogs are kind of small. The inhabitants are often on top of each other. (Alan Ray)


      A spicy peanut butter six times hotter than the strongest chilli is being sold in England under the name Instant Regret. Isn't that the name of a Vegas wedding chapel? (RJ Currie)


      French gay rights protesters marched in Paris Tuesday demanding passage of a new French law allowing gay couples to adopt children. The gay couples pointed out to reporters they are unable to produce children of their own. It's not that they haven't tried. (Argus Hamilton)


      China is demanding that people use their real names when signing up for an internet account. It wasn’t because over five million users named Fook Yu was a problem. It was that their profile pictures all looked the same. (TC Chong)


      New taxes could drive up the price of cigarettes in Australia to $20 a pack in the next five years. Fortunately for most of the smokers Down Under, their smoking habit will kill them before they have to pay the full amount. (Jim Barach)


      A team of scientists say they've created brain cells out of male human urine. My wife says it's no surprising since it comes from the part that controls men's thinking. (RJ Currie)



      Stanford women's basketball looked so bad Saturday against UConn, especially in the first half, expected Tara VanDerveer to have accused the team at halftime of playing like boys. (Janice Hough)


      This has been a tough week for NFL coaches. Seven NFL head coaches got fired on Monday. That's a lot of job openings. That's the most job openings we've had in this country in the last four years. (Jay Leno)

      The 2-14 Jacksonville Jaguars fired GM Gene Smith. To make sure the players were nowhere to be found, the announcement took place in the end zone. (Alan Ray)

      The NFL postseason begins. It’s the time of year when the casual observer of football really starts to pay attention. But enough about the refs. (Alan Ray)

      According to Forbes magazine, the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable team in the NFL. They are worth $2 billion. So I guess that old adage, 'winning isn't everything', is true. (Jay Leno)

      The NFL Pro Bowl is the game players are thrilled to be chosen for, but then schedule hangnail surgery and bad hair days to avoid actually playing in. (Greg Cote)

      ESPN reports that Oregon coach Chip Kelly may be interviewing with the Bills, Browns and Eagles. What, Kelly wants to prove he can be successful with a team with a salary cap? (Janice Hough)  


      A lot of college football on New Year’s Day. The spoils of a January 1 bowl appearance are something. Universities reap million dollar paydays. Players get a high five. (Alan Ray)

      What do you call the bowl wins by Stanford, Northwestern, Vanderbilt and Rice, 'Revenge of the nerds'? (Clay Travis)

      So how long until someone names their band or racehorse 'One Point Safety'? But really, a one-point safety? And football fans say baseball has bizarre and convoluted rules. (Janice Hough)  

      AT&T is this year's Cotton Bowl title sponsor. That explains all the drops. (Gary Bachman 

      Overnight data for the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl set new records in Colorado and Washington State -- not for viewers, but for amount of Tostitos sold. (TC Chong)

      Two players for the Texas Longhorns were suspended from the Alamo Bowl. I wonder if that was without pay. (Greg Cote)

      SEC loyalists are calling LSU's one-point New Year's Eve loss to Clemson a crime. So what's Louisville thumping Florida in the Sugar Bowl? A Cardinals sin? (RJ Currie)

      Wisconsin’s place kicker in the Rose Bowl is Jack Russell. Wonder if his nickname is 'Down Boy'. (TC Chong)

      Anyone else giggle hearing the winning coach in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl is named Chip? (RJ Currie)  

      The national championship of college football will be decided Monday. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish have a tremendous defense. They slow more drives than 2 seniors in a Prius. (Alan Ray)

      UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12. (Janice Hough)  

      The Cleveland Browns are rumored to be seriously pursuing University of Oregon coach Chip Kelly. Wonder if this means the NCAA's investigation of the Ducks is further along than we thought. (Janice Hough)  


      International Hockey: Congrats to the US Junior team that drubbed Canada earlier today 5-1 to advance to The Gold Medal game. It must have been extremely exciting for the 9 people in the States that were following the game on the Internet. (TC Chong)

      There are perks of owning the Pedernales Golf Club outside Austin. Par is anything I want it to be. For instance, this hole here is a par-47, and yesterday I birdied the sucker. (Willie Nelson) 


      Ray Lewis says he will retire after this season. "The first time is the hardest," responded Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)  

      Hulk Hogan has refiled a $100 million lawsuit against Gawker for posting his sex tape. Hogan is upset about viewers seeing his full nelson. (RJ Currie)

      It appears that QB Tim Tebow will be going to Jacksonville next season. A spokesman for the Jaguars said that the only thing preventing their team from being a contender is having someone with experience standing on the sidelines and holding a clipboard. (TC Chong)

      Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin, playing in Moscow during the NHL lockout, and tennis star Maria Kirilenko are engaged to be married. The wedding cake, we assume, will feature plenty of icing. (Dwight Perry)

      Someone in the Texas DMV office messed up and classified Diamondbacks pitcher Brandon McCarthy as female on his new driver's license, his wife tweeted. On the bright side, it's nice to see that those NFL replacement refs are finding gainful employment. (Dwight Perry) 

      Georgia’s defense features middle guard Kwame Geathers, who goes 6-foot-6, 355 pounds. At Disney World, confused tourists tried to board Geathers after mistaking him for the tram. (Brad Dickson) 


      Older members of the Academy are having trouble submitting their Oscar votes this year because for the first time, they are voting online. The good news is that "Les Miz" has gotten a lot of votes for Best Picture; the bad news is, most of them were typed into a microwave. (Jimmy Fallon)

      “Texas Chainsaw 3D” opens in theaters. Some critics say the merchandising tie-in is not appropriate. Black and Decker power tools are now half off. (Alan Ray)


      Newsweek issues its last print issue on Monday. Which is shocking to most Americans, who didn’t realize Newsweek was still in business. (Janice Hough)   

      Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore's old TV network, Current TV. So it's now owned by Al-Jazeera. And listen to this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called 'Global Fleecing'. (David Letterman)

      Al-Jazeera has some fabulous programming lined up. They've got a new show called 'Storage Jihad'. They have 'Project Burka'. And a show called 'Real Virgins of Fallujah'. (David Letterman)

      CTV News has debunked the age-old belief that if you abstain from sex you'll lose weight. I'm guessing they finally surveyed married people. (RJ Currie)  


      Hugh Hefner, 86, has married Crystal Harris, 26. When Hef was asked "Do you take Crystal," he said, "Not for a long time, and it only lasted a few seconds." (RJ Currie)

      Crystal Harris, 26, and Hugh Hefner, 86, are married, a year after Crystal called off their 2011 wedding, claiming that sex with Hef lasted "like two seconds." Will the happy couple now announce that last night was the best two seconds of their lives? (Janice Hough)  

      Hugh Hefner married his ex-fiancée, Crystal Harris, on New Year's Eve at the Playboy Mansion.  The honeymoon lasted four hours, or otherwise, they would have seen a doctor. (Tim Hunter)

      Police responding to a 911 call from Hugh Hefner’s Playboy mansion took the 86 year old original Playboy away in hand cuffs. A detective responding to a call said Hef has been charged by his 26 year old newly wed wife with assault with a dead weapon. (Jerry W.)  

      Phil Jackson and Jeanie Buss are reportedly engaged. The word is that Kobe Bryant will give away the bride so he can finally be credited with an assist. (Jim Barach)

      Turns out Rex Ryan has a tattoo on his arm of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey and nothing else. Well, this is an twist on the usual joke that a lousy player who's still getting game time must have hidden pictures of the coach naked or something. (Janice Hough)  

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...