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293Weakly Humerus News 12-30-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Dec 30, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-30-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Seven swans a-swimming, OK. Six geese a-laying, Fine. But five NBA games? C'mon. (Dwight Perry)

      Wishing everyone a happy and safe Christmas Eve. And beware of low-flying, or should I say, high-flying, reindeer in Colorado and Washington. (Janice Hough)

      Movies and Video Games don't kill children. People carrying loaded assault weapons kill children. (Stan Kegel)

      Ben Affleck has decided not to run for John Kerry’s Senate seat if Kerry becomes Secretary of State. That’s good, because there are already enough bad actors in Congress. (Terry Etter)  

      A woman was arrested at Barcelona airport with two bags of cocaine concealed in her implants. So for all you news junkies, don't say I didn't keep you abreast. (RJ Currie)

      A federal government employee in Baltimore was formally reprimanded for excessive flatulence on the job. Anyone making that much wind should instead be working in Congress. (Jim Barach)

      Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together again. Only one thing can separate their true love for each other. The police. (Alan Ray)

      As the U.S. edges closer to the "fiscal cliff,' have to wonder if Shakespeare had a premonition of future politics when he wrote "a plague on both your houses." Although today it might be "a plague on both the house and the senate." (Janice Hough)

      Jets coach Rex Ryan acknowledged things haven't panned out with Tim Tebow. Yep. Mark it on your calendar folks; a Rex Ryan understatement. (RJ Currie)

      Apple announced huge sales of iPhone 5's when they were introduced at stores in China last Friday. It's amazing. Steve Jobs has joined Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and Jesus Christ on the list of superstars whose financial worth has skyrocketed after they died. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hillary Clinton ducked Congress Thursday saying she caught a stomach virus which made her dizzy which caused her to fall and hit her head which gave her a concussion making her unable to testify about Benghazi. So she escaped. Protestants don't normally cite holy miracles but Hillary's fellow Methodists are calling it the 'Immaculate Concussion'. (Argus Hamilton)

      A man consumed the entire 'Hobbit' menu (11 plates of food) at Denny’s in 20 minutes. Denny’s appreciated the patronage and publicity and hopes the man makes eating at Denny’s a hobbit. (Gary Bachman)

      Doctors are describing a new phenomenon called 'dystextia' where garbled text messages can indicate the sender is having a stroke. Either that or they are a teenager. (Jim Barach)

      THE FISCAL CLIFF

      Starbucks employees will be writing 'Come Together' on customers' cups Dec 27-28 as a message for Congress to avoid the fiscal cliff. Leaving aside the fact that more colorful language might be more appropriate, maybe we should just threaten to cut off their coffee until they come up with a deal. (Janice Hough)

      Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz requested that all employees in the Washington D.C. area stores print, while checking the customer's order box on each cup, the words 'Come together'.  The American Institute of Family Planning immediately issued a press release asking what qualifications Mr. Schultz has to give sexual advice. (Bob Mills)

      Some of the conservative media are headlining the fact that Obama landed in Hawaii last night and went out to play golf this morning. Of course, had the President stayed in D.C. to work on the 'fiscal cliff' the same folks would accuse him of making Republicans in Congress give up their Christmas for his political gain. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama left his family in Hawaii and cut his vacation short to head back to Washington and work on avoiding the fiscal cliff. Waiting for the GOP to accuse him of wasting money by making Air Force One take an extra trip. (Janice Hough)

      POST-MAYAN CALENDAR

      Forget the Mayan calendar. The Los Angeles Clippers winning 16 in a row? Now, there's a sign of the apocalypse. (Janice Hough)

      The Mayan calendar said the world would end after my deadline, so if you're reading this, it didn't happen. If it happened, I'm sure ESPN will give us a recap. (Bob Connolly)

      The good news? The world didn't come to an end. The bad news? You still have to listen to those Aflac and Progressive Insurance commercials. (Alex Kaseberg)

      GUN CONTROL

      The NY man who killed 2 firefighters in an Xmas Eve ambush couldn't legally buy the semiautomatic rifle and shotgun he used. But he went to the store with a woman who bought the guns for him after he picked them out. And we hear all the time about the ATB arresting folks who buy alcohol illegally for 20 year olds. (Janice Hough)

      The bad news for NRA members? President Obama has created a task force to come up with common sense gun regulations. The good news? He's appointed Joe Biden to run it. (Frank Green)

      President Obama named Joe Biden to head a task force to try to ban assault weapons Thursday. This ensures their proliferation. With Joe Biden in charge, the catalogue for Victoria's Secret will not only offer you bazookas you can admire but bazookas you can fire. (Argus Hamilton)

      NRA chief Wayne LaPierre called for cops to protect schools Friday, saying bad guys with guns can only be stopped by good guys with guns. The clock is ticking on both sides of the argument. Republicans can't lose the gun vote and the Democrats are determined to do something about all these shootings before they bring back prayer in public schools. (Argus Hamilton)

      NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre says the NRA membership is standing behind him. Mostly because no one wants to stand in front of a crazy man with a gun. (Jim Barach)

      So the NRA's idea is that trained guards with guns will prevent shootings at school campuses. Leaving aside the fact that Columbine High School and Virginia Tech campuses DID have armed guards, wonder if the NRA asked the opinion of the parents of kids in 1970 at Kent State. (Janice Hough)

      Here’s a real solution: Put schools in every NRA office! Now, while there’s no guarantee that this will prevent every incident of stupidity and ignorance, that’s no excuse for not trying to at least minimize the constant assault on common sense. (Don Davis)

      If we do this armed guard thing, in right-to-work states, do they get the right to shoot without joining the teacher's union? (Janice Hough)

      Meanwhile, NRA officials conducted a seance, joining hands in a circle while attempting to contact Charleston Heston for instructions. -- Heston didn't pick up. He was at a shooting range with John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald and Bonnie and Clyde. (Mark Russell)

      In exchange for guns, police in LA are now offering gift cards, which can be used to buy groceries. Wouldn’t the police get more guns turned in if they offered gift cards that can be used to pay for plastic surgery? (Gary Bachman)

      THE HOLIDAY SEASON

      So if Santa didn’t show up with the right toys last night, can parents explain it to their children by telling them that unfortunately Rudolph was guiding his sleigh with Apple maps? (Janice Hough)

      Thousands of people called NORAD to track Santa Claus, breaking the old record. Mostly because so many people have lost their homes in the last year they wanted to make sure Santa knew where the car they were living in now was parked. (Jim Barach)

      Netflix's video streaming service crashed Christmas Evening. Oh, the horror!. Thousands and thousands of Americans were actually forced to talk to their relatives. (Janice Hough)

      Psychology Today warned that post-holiday blues may trigger depression as people return to their normal lives next week. The good news is, researchers at NYU have discovered a technique that erases fear and bad memories in humans. It's called whiskey. (Argus Hamilton)

      The day after Christmas means lots of discounts in stores. Millions will flock to the mall to look for those hard to find items. A clerk will wait on them. (Alan Ray)

      Don't have the receipt? Good luck trying to get much in the return line for that Mark Sanchez jersey you got as a holiday gift. One store in New York is now selling them for $10. Two weeks ago, it was $79.99. (Dwight Perry)

      Amongst the heaviest drinkers you may see this Christmas season are those who figured it was it sure bet that Eli Manning would have a better year than his over-the-hill big brother. (Janice Hough)

      New Year’s Eve is Monday. Endless bottles of champagne will be consumed around midnight. And that’s just in Lindsay Lohan’s car.
      (Alan Ray)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      A picture of President Obama hugging Michelle on election night has become the most re-tweeted photo ever. A surprised Bill Clinton asked "You can hug your own wife?" (Janice Hough)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Hillary Clinton had a recent concussion. Out of habit, Roger Goodell blamed the Saints. (Gary Bachman)

      THE CONGRESS

      The Senate held hearings on the administration's failure to protect the U. S. consulate in Benghazi from attack last fall. Cables show the attack was predicted and ignored. The White House has admitted that mistakes were made, but maintains that no one made them. (Argus Hamilton)

      Idaho GOP Sen. Michael Crapo, a Mormon, was arrested yesterday morning in Alexandria, VA., reportedly with a .11 blood alcohol level. I blame Obama. (Janice Hough)

      THE COURTS

      The Iowa Supreme Court ruled that it is permissible to fire an employee who is too good looking. Otherwise known as 'The Boss’s Wife’s Rule'. (Jim Barach)

      Officials at the NCAA are sweating draft picks over a decision of an L.A. Superior Court judge to open files in the USC-Reggie Bush imbroglio that would reveal their ultra-secret draconian tactics. Most shocking revelation?  It wasn't the CIA but the NCAA that found Osama bin Laden. (Bob Mills)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Tagg Romney told the Boston Globe that his father "wanted to be president less than anyone I've met in my life." Makes sense, Mitt certainly campaigned like it. (Terry Etter)

      THE STATES

      A new study from an Ohio State engineering professor shows that as many as 49,000 people in Central Florida, mostly Democrats, did not vote because of long lines and other problems at the polls. The Florida GOP is appalled. They clearly made voting too easy. (Janice Hough)

      LOCAL NEWS

      L.A.'s Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa hosted a firearms buyback auction that paid gift premiums for groceries -- $100 for handguns and shotguns and $200 for assault weapons.  That's the good news.  The bad news is he plans to have them melted down into a statue of Charlton Heston. (Bob Mills)

      A Chicago area teenager and her mother were allegedly swapping text messages when the daughter said she was going to the bank. Her mother responded with a warning to be on the lookout for two convicted bank robbers who escaped from a federal prison in downtown Chicago. The daughter jokingly replied, "They're here, they have guns." But her mom didn't realize it was a joke and called 911. Police responded to the Marquette Bank branch in full force only to find nothing was amiss. Needless to say the police were not too happy about all this. (Rich Hancock)  

      An Iowa couple who won a $202 million Powerball jackpot is donating $3 million to their son's high school for a new football stadium with the stipulation that the visitors' locker room must be painted pink. Not to fast there, said Bondurant-Farrar School Board members, "You want that in fuchsia, magenta or hot pink?" (Dwight Perry)

      Love this story from the Palo Alto Daily Post: Two parents, 52, and their daughter, 22 are in custody after being arrested for shoplifting at Nordstrom's. The women were caught outside the store, but the father escaped. Until he called police that night to report his wife and daughter missing. Family bonding -- Well, at least they're all in the same jail. (Janice Hough)

      THE ECONOMY

      A sure sign that the economy is slowly recovering, a survey by the American Kennel Club shows that over 70% of American dog owners surprised their pets with gifts on Christmas morning.  No word on what was most popular but in Manhattan, seventeen fire hydrants are missing. (Bob Mills)

      Congress’ inaction on farm legislation could lead to the price of milk doubling next year. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which is worse for Americans, when Congress does something, or when they fail to do something. (Jim Barach)

      The U. S. Treasury will sell its stake in GM and get out of the car business. The U. S. gave GM fifty billion dollars four years ago and will recoup forty billion of it. The ten billion dollar loss makes GM the most profitable branch of the U. S. government, so it had to be sold. (Argus Hamilton

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Some of the nation’s largest stores have agreed to a recall of 150,000 Nap Nanny infant recliners. The recliner is so dangerous that even a cradle on the tree top is safer. (Gary Bachman)

      7-11 stores are focusing on serving healthier food items. Like Mountain Dew Slurpies with fluoride included to prevent teeth from falling out and Slim Jims that come with their own defibrillator. (Jim Barach)

      A casket company in Indiana is surviving by making machines that do other functions, like add salt to corn chips and food coloring to candy. Which in the long run gives them more customers for their original job of making caskets. (Jim Barach)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A survey says that half of all workers say they have faked illness to call in sick on the job. The other half couldn’t be reached because they had called in sick that day. (Jim Barach)

      Toyota will pay $1.1 billion to fix a recall over sudden acceleration in certain models. The folks in marketing had tried to spin the defect positive. "The new Prism sort of jumps out at you!" (Alan Ray)

      In the largest settlement of a class action suit ever, Toyota agreed to pay $1.1 billion to buyers of 2010 cars that suddenly accelerated for no reason.  But recalls aren't limited to mid-priced autos.  Recently, Great Britain's Bentley Motors had to recall 743 luxury sedans when they developed a tendency to turn into the parking lots of restaurants with less than five stars. (Bob Mills)

      Delta Airlines received 22,000 applications for 300 job openings for flight attendants. Mostly from all the flight attendants at American and United who are tired of spending half their time on the tarmac or getting flights canceled. (Jim Barach)

      Royal Caribbean cruise ship staff rescued an injured pelican that crashed onto a deck of the the Jewel of the Seats as the ship was returning from Mexico. The bird is recovering at a Tampa area vet. Good thing the pelican didn’t crash onto a Carnival ship – he might have ended up part of the midnight buffet. (Janice Hough)   

      TERRORISM 

      The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that "our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the capable hands of the U. S. Congress." In an official statement, the current leader of Al Qaeda said, "We've been working overtime trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy, but even we couldn't come up with something like this. The idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end of the year is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain. As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your own game. This is one of those times." (Andy Borowitz)

      NASA & SPACE

      A study says an asteroid flying near the Earth in 2040 will miss the planet. Mostly because of the other three direct asteroid hits between now and then that will pretty much leave nothing left to collide with. (Jim Barach)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      A report says that private sector jobs in Cuba have grown by 23% in the past year. Of course, the only private sector jobs available are prostitution, pimping and panhandling. (Jim Barach)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      A British newspaper is suing Lance Armstrong for the money they had to pay him in a libel suit over saying he was using performance enhancing drugs. So first one side loses, then the other. You just can’t win anymore unless you are one of the lawyers. (Jim Barach)

      A blind dog in the UK is guided by a seeing eye cat. That’s like Pat Robertson working as Stephen Hawking’s personal care assistant. (Gary Bachman)

      EUROPE

      Russia's parliament voted overwhemingly to ban Americans from adopting Russian kids and bringing them to the U. S. It's an issue of sportsmanship. The Russians figure that when their kids are fighting the Germans in the next war, at least they get to fire back. (Argus Hamilton)

      AFRICA

      Egypt’s new constitution has passed with 63.8% of the vote. The U. S. Constitution could never be ratified because as soon as discussion comes down to the Second Amendment, gunfire always seems to break out. (Jim Barach)

      THE FAR EAST

      China has passed a law stating that all adult children must visit their parents. They ought to pass a law here where I can get rid of my adult children still living in my basement. (TC Chong)

      Expensive bicycles are becoming a status symbol for wealthy Chinese executives. While the top status symbol for U. S. executives is still having enough money to be able to afford a lawyer to keep them out of jail. (Jim Barach)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      The India-Pakistan cricket series was hit by a media blackout over press freedom. Ironically when anyone in the media started to talk about the series, all that was heard was crickets. (Jim Barach)

      SCIENCE

      Researchers at Boeing used stacks of potatoes to simulate human passengers while testing Wi-Fi coverage at 35,000 feet because spuds come closest to matching the density and conductivity of the human body. To add even more realism, unshelled walnuts were attached to the "men" dummies and ripe cantaloupes to the "women."  (Bob Mills)

      HEALTH

      A study linking marijuana use with mental illness says it can go both ways with teenagers. Mostly because it’s sometimes hard to tell if a teenager is stoned or just psychotic. (Jim Barach)

      Autopsy studies show a large drop in early heart disease in people in the military over the past 60 years. Mostly because the overweight, couch riding video game players can’t get out of bed to make it to the recruiting center to sign up for the service until after it has already closed for the day. (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Snow blankets the Northeast. Bad weather always changes the landscape around Manhattan. Cabbies give each other the mitten. (Alan Ray)

      The Weather Channel reported blizzard conditions in the Midwest which shut down airports and snapped power lines Friday. Many were left without heat. It was so cold in Minnesota that the fire chief advised residents to stay warm by burning down their houses. (Argus Hamilton)

      Baker, California, the home to the 'world’s tallest thermometer' has fallen on rough times with the thermometer being out of service the past several years. Of course, anyone who has ever driven through Baker, California knows the town should really be using a rectal thermometer. (Jim Barach)

      SPORTS

      Some coaches are complaining that NCAA rules allow teams to feed their players only three times a day, and all food must be eaten at the training table. What they should do is say that food can only be eaten in the classroom and maybe some of the athletes would show up there once in awhile. (Jim Barach)

      BASKETBALL

      Some think it’s unfair for the NBA to schedule games on Christmas Day. But on a brighter note it does save the players from the tough decision of spending the day with which mother of their children. (Janice Hough)

      The Lakers lost 11 of their first 12 games when Kobe Bryant scored 30 points or more. Why then don't they take him out when he reaches 29? (Ron Goydic)

      The Los Angeles Clippers are the hottest team in the NBA. The key has been under the boards. They’ve rebounded more times in December than Lindsay Lohan’s career. (Alan Ray)

      The Brooklyn Nets fired their coach because the team failed to meet expectations. In related news, the Washington Wizards coach’s job is secure because the team HAS met expectations. (Gary Bachman) 

      Portland was the scene of the worst three-point shooting night in NBA history twice in the span of 11 days -- 0 for 20 by the Trail Blazers, then 0 for 22 by the Nuggets. Rose Garden? Maybe they should just rename it the Off-Target Center. (Dwight Perry)

      Stanford women's basketball looked so bad Saturday against UConn, especially in the first half, expected Tara VanDerveer to have accused the team at halftime of playing like boys. (Janice Hough)

      FOOTBALL -- THE PROS

      Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg called Redskins owner Daniel Snyder and asked him why he wasn’t shutting down RGIII in order to save him for next year. (TC Chong)  

      The Dallas Cowboys are 0-4 when Tony Romo passes for 400-plus yards. (Dwight Perry)

      Weird trivia for the 49ers-Seahawks game. Can anyone remember any other NFL football game started by opposing quarterbacks who were both drafted -- for baseball? (Janice Hough)

      So Mark Sanchez will start for the NY Jets this weekend over backup QB Greg McElroy, who has a concussion. Not Tim Tebow. Is Rex Ryan that worried that Tebow might actually win a game and get Jets fans even madder about the might-have-beens this season? (Janice Hough)

      So, how did acquiring Tim Tebow to push Mark Sanchez work out for the Jets? If you seek to inspire the San Francisco Philharmonic to a higher level, you don't try to scare 'em by bringing in a hot kazoo player. (Scott Ostler) 

      Terrelle Pryor will start for the Oakland Raiders Sunday. So looking like an unhappy Matt Leinart and Mark Sanchez could both be traded. If they end up on the same team what a dilemma for a coach - which one do you bench first? (Janice Hough)

      The Giants need a win in Week 17 -- and losses by the Bears and Vikings, plus a loss or tie by the Cowboys -- to make the playoffs. Like I told everybody, I didn't get my Christmas gift yet, so hopefully that comes on Sunday. (Giant defensive end, Justin Tuck) 

      Mitt Romney wanted to be the half time singer at the Super Bowl but was rejected because NFL allow only one losing team per game. (Bill Williams)   

      FOOTBALL -- THE COLLEGES

      Just how ugly was the Russell Athletic Bowl. Virginia Tech beat Rutgers 13-10 in overtime. But the Hokies had an equal number of turnovers and rushing yards - three. No typo, 3. Really. (Janice Hough)

      Arizona State put up 62 points on Navy before the end of the third quarter today in the Kraft Fight Hunger bowl. Clearly the military is not as strong as it should be. I blame Obama. (Janice Hough)

      It's not easy finding good seasonal work, but Wisconsin AD Barry Alvarez -- who'll coach the Badgers in the Rose Bowl after Bret Bielema's departure to Arkansas -- did exactly that. Alvarez will get the same pay that Bielema's contract called for: $118,500, plus another $50K if the Badgers win. (Dwight Perry)

      The 13-school football configuration sounds more like a road trip on Food Network's 'Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives': Memphis - barbecue, Cincinnati - chili spaghetti, Tulane -jambalaya, San Diego State - fish tacos, Temple - cheese steak. (Chris Dufresne)

      OTHER SPORTS

      A Pop Warner football game in California erupted into a fight with parents that had to be broken up by police in riot gear. Although the police say it was nothing like what they have to go through when stores open up for Black Friday Christmas shopping. (Jim Barach)

      ATHLETES

      Jets backup QB Tim Tebow threw an incomplete pass with his only attempt in last Monday's loss to the Titans, and still finished with a higher passer rating (39.6) than starter Mark Sanchez's 32.6. (Dwight Perry)

      We’re not starting Tebow at quarterback, letting him run the Wildcat, or even play special teams. But he has been assigned to play the role of 'devils' advocate' during our team prayer meeting. (Don Davis)

      Jets QB Tim Tebow and supermodel Camilla Belle ended their two-month relationship. Sources say Tim was unhappy because he felt she was using him -- and coach Rex Ryan wasn't. (Jay Leno)

      New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow announced he and supermodel Camilla Belle ended their two-month relationship Thursday. It was the same old problem. She started dating someone else and she was only interested in keeping Tim as the back-up boyfriend. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York Jet Tim Tebow and model Camilla Belle announced on Saturday they have ended their two-month-long relationship. She's not happy. Last week Camilla entered his apartment unannounced and caught him being sexually abstinent with another woman. (Argus Hamilton)

      Golfer John Daly says he's coming out with his own line of malt beverages, available in three flavors but, for now, only in California and Arizona. Rejected marketing slogan: It's in the bag. (Dwight Perry)

      Red Sox Hall of Famer Carlton Fisk has been arrested for DUI. Police say he failed a sobriety test because instead of walking a straight line, he kept hopping up and down and waiving to his right. (Terry Etter)  

      U. S. Olympic runner Suzy Favor-Hamilton said Friday she moonlighted as a Las Vegas call girl. Wisconsin's award for female athlete of the year is named after her. Suzy set a world track and field record when she successfully charged six hundred dollars an hour. (Argus Hamilton)

      Though she never medaled, three-time Olympic Games middle distance runner Suzy Favor Hamilton became a $600-a-night hooker with a Vegas escort service.  Ten of her regular Johns were contacted and asked to post their scores.  The results:  a high of 8.3 and a low of 5.6 yielded a respectable 7.2, but again no medal. (Bob Mills)

      U. S. Olympic runner Suzy Favor-Hamilton was outed as a high-priced Las Vegas call girl Thursday who made six hundred dollars an hour for sex. She's a great athlete. The news caused a lot of embarrassment for her one remaining sponsor, the U. S. Secret Service. (Argus Hamilton)

      Tennis star Novak Djokovic plans to open a restaurant specializing in cheese made from donkey milk. The only thing I'd like less than to try that cheese is to milk that donkey. (Greg Cote)

      Canadian bobsledder Kallie Humphries has won a record eight straight races dating back to last season. She's becoming a bigger name in going downhill than Lindsay Lohan. (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      'Les Miserables' opens in movie theaters this week. An ex-con tries to live the life of an honest man. It's like a politician on Opposites Day. (Alan Ray) (Alan Ray)

      Die hard fans of "Les Miserables" are turning out in droves to swoon over the new musical version with Hugh Jackman and Natalie Portman.  To get themselves into the mood, some dress up in period costumes, go into a 7-Eleven, steal a loaf of bread, and hope a clerk follows them. (Bob Mills)

      The Academy has notified Stephen Spielberg that his epic film 'Lincoln' may be disqualified from Oscar consideration because of historical inaccuracies.  To make the movie even more exciting, in one scene Lincoln is almost killed in a dynamite blast while posing for Mt. Rushmore. (Bob Mills)

      'Django Unchained' opens in theaters. Leonardo DiCaprio portrays a ruthless plantation owner in Mississippi. He studied for the role by working in management at Wal Mart. (Alan Ray)

      Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained opens Tuesday about a freed Southern slave who horse-whips and kills his former master. He then sets out to kill all white men. It's just Hollywood's little way of reminding Republicans that elections have consequences. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Acting CIA Director says the film 'Zero Dark Thirty' is not a realistic portrayal of the facts. For one thing, 'Zero Dark Thirty' officially refers to the time former CIA Director would usually get home after meeting up with his mistress. (Jim Barach)

      'Promised Land' opens in movie theaters. A natural gas company’s fracking plans could destroy a small town’s way of life. If they wanted to do that, why don’t they just build a Super Wal Mart? (Alan Ray)

      The Tom Cruise movie “Jack Reacher” came up short on all the numbers over the Christmas holiday. So short in fact, if it was a Disneyland ride, even Tom Cruise could get on. (Bill Williams)  

      The much acclaimed film 'Amour' opens in select movie theaters. It’s the romantic story of a couple in their 80’s. They watch Fox News by candlelight. (Alan Ray)

      Francis Ford Coppola is planning a movie about how the Mayans goofed in predicting the end of the world. It’ll be called 'Apocalypse Later'. (Terry Etter)  

      ENTERTAINERS

      Hollywood's Ben Affleck was reported Friday to be interested in running for John Kerry's vacated U. S. Senate seat. He just turned forty. He's tired of the insecurities of show business, and being a U. S. Senator guarantees you'll still be working when you're eighty-five. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Hollywood private investigator says that Whitney Houston was murdered by drug dealers. Even O. J. Simpson is saying "Already been there." (Jim Barach)

      Casting is a very important process in film production, one which needs to deal with many different elements, for example each film that starred Tom Cruise created even more jobs for short actors than the original “Wizzard Of Oz” did. (Jerry W.) 

      Katie Holmes' first starring role on Broadway will come to an end two months earlier than expected as her play "Dead Accounts" will close. Guess Katie was as successful playing the lead role as she was playing at a marriage with Tom Cruise. (Janice Hough)

      Jennifer Garner has been chosen as the celebrity mother of the year by Parents Magazine. Apparently to qualify you need to know the names and birthdays of all your kids, who the fathers are and which country they were conceived in. (Jim Barach)

      Jewish women rule the big screen right now.  Barbara Streisand plays a Jewish mother in "Guilt Trip," Bette Midler plays a Jewish grandmother in "Parental Guidance" and Leslie Mann another Jewish mother in "This is 40."  The trend continues.  Sarah Silverman has been signed for the lead in "The Life of Whoopie Goldberg." (Bob Mills)

      Kevin Federline's brother Christopher says he is the father of Britney Spears' oldest son. Apparently Britney was intent on finding a bigger loser than K-Fed and she did. (Jim Barach)

      THE MEDIA

      Newsweek issues its last print issue on Monday. Which is shocking to most Americans, who didn’t realize Newsweek was still in business. (Janice Hough)

      After nearly 80 years, Newsweek Magazine has issued its final print version. Apparently the magazine was done in by others that had news that Americans care about more: The Kardashians, William and Kate and Lindsay Lohan. (Jim Barach)

      The Chicago Tribune and six other newspapers are dropping the Associated Press. Apparently they are planning on saving money by getting their news the same way everyone else does. On Facebook and Twitter. (Jim Barach)

      The White House received over sixty thousand signatures from gun rights advocates demanding that CNN's host Piers Morgan be deported for slamming the Second Amendment. A counter-petition was circulated in Britain refusing to take him back. He is on the phone with the president to see if Anglo-Saxons are covered under the Dream Act. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE INTERNET AND BLOGS

      Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg has made $50 million selling company shares. It’s unheard of in the internet world. Someone on that site actually being productive. (Alan Ray)

      Mark Zuckerberg's sister Randi  was upset when a casual family photo she posted on Facebook ended up reposted on Twitter,  saying the person who did it she was "way uncool," and saying to "always ask permission before posting a friend's photo publicly. It's not about privacy settings, it's about human decency."  "Gosh, those FB settings are confusing, and I'm really sorry that happened to your family," said absolutely nobody. (Janice Hough)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Convicted Chicago mobster Frank Calabrese Sr. has died in prison. However, he will still be voting in the next election. (Gary Bachman)

      Miss USA, Olivia Culpo has won the Miss Universe Pageant. The 20-year-old beauty queen proudly walked the runway carrying a dozen roses and wearing Donald Trump’s hair. (Bill Williams)    

      RELIGION

      The Pope, in his latest Christmas message, spoke against gay marriage and said that gay adoption meant "The child has become an object to which people have a right and which they have a right to obtain." So does he mean the only non-married people with that right are priests? (Janice Hough)