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291Weakly Humerus News 12-16-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Dec 16, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-16-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      The government is borrowing $4.8 billion a day, spending like there's no tomorrow. So Obama is either a socialist or a Mayan. (Ann Coulter)

      To gain an edge, NFL players are using Viagra. There's no denying it helps the defense penetrate the backfield. (Dan Opp)

      This isn't a lame duck Congress, so much as a quadriplegic platypus. (Will Durst) 

      Singer LeAnn Rimes is in the news after her husband's ex-wife accused Rimes of a secret addiction to laxatives. Oh well, it was bound to come out in the end. (RJ Currie)

      College bowl games begin this week. For most players, it’s a once in a lifetime experience. Sort of like going to class. (Alan Ray)

      Gary M, with some perspective on Pete Carroll's great year so far with the Seattle Seahawks,   "At USC he didn't have to deal with a salary cap." (Janice Hough)  

      Everybody I run into is talking about the end of the world. They're not believers in the Mayan apocalypse. They're Laker fans. (Conan O'Brien)

      December 15 started Capital One Bowl Week, which runs until January 7. And they wonder why many football players are bad at math. (Janice Hough)  

      Mitt Romney was at the fight and he met with Pacquiao right before they got in the ring. Now Romney and Pacquiao have something in common. Both ended up getting knocked out by Latinos. (Jay Leno)

      Yesterday a judge in Los Angeles revoked Lindsay Lohan's probation and Lindsay could get 5 to 10 behind bars. Not years, that’s minutes. This is L.A. jail time. (Jay Leno)

      The race for the White House will most likely be 'wide open' after Hillary Clinton serves her two terms as President, experts agree. "What happens in 2024 is anyone’s guess—and if anyone tells you differently, they’re lying," says political science professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. "The only thing we can say with any certainty is that Hillary Clinton will be elected President by a landslide in 2016 and re-ëlected by an even bigger margin in 2020." (Andy Borowitz)

      Mitt Romney’s remarks about the '47%' has been chosen as the best quote of 2012. The worst quote was 'That sounds like a really good deal!' from anyone who bought stock in 'Facebook'. (Jim Barach)  

      Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that. (Jay Leno)

      A worker at a New Mexico Albertson's found a handgun and ammunition packed in a carton of frozen ribs. According to police, the meat came from the Swift Packing Plant in Greeley, Colo, marked June 8, 2011. What's scarier, a gun with the ribs, or the fact the meat was packed a year and a half ago? (Janice Hough)  

      University of Washington researchers have developed a condom that dissolves inside the body, releasing birth control and STD medications. Apparently it was designed for women who are dating Charlie Sheen and Kevin Federline at the same time. (Jim Barach)  

      Ah, family values, and preserving the sanctity of the traditional marriage: Track Palin, Sarah's oldest son, has filed for divorce after 19 months of marriage, to the mother of his 16 month old daughter. Should we blame the states that have allowed gay marriage? (Janice Hough)  

      Ricky Martin told a U.N. conference he wishes he could come out again. People would feel the same about that as they do when Madonna sings 'Like a Virgin'. (Jim Barach)  

      THE FISCAL CLIFF

      76% of Americans would accept raising taxes on the rich to avoid the fiscal cliff. My guess is that 100% of that 76% is not among the 21% that would get the higher taxes. (Tim Hunter)

      Regarding Congress and the fiscal cliff, apparently a majority of Americans prefer higher taxes. But if they really got an honest answer it might be that 20% want the Dems to win, 10% want the GOP to win, and 70% want all of Congress to go over that cliff together. (Janice Hough)  

      Congress says they haven't done much about country's impending financial doom, but they have put a giant inflatable Rudolph at the edge of the fiscal cliff. (Tim Hunter)

      House Republicans and Democrats stayed deadlocked Monday over whether to cut spending or raise taxes to save the economy. If they send us over the fiscal cliff, they will still get paid. Their salaries are guaranteed under the Americans with No Abilities Act. (Argus Hamilton)

      Warren Buffett joined liberal billionaire George Soros Tuesday calling for a massive increase in estate taxes. It costs them nothing but penalizes their children. The very suggestion could be the most selfless act since Thomas Jefferson freed his slaves in his will. (Argus Hamilton)

      Introducing a new wrinkle into the already fraught fiscal cliff showdown, a consortium of billionaires today warned that if their taxes are raised they will no longer have enough money to buy politicians. (Andy Borowitz)    

      Wall Street CEO Peter Schiff ripped Obama's proposed tax hikes on CNBC Sunday. He said the majority don't have the right to steal his money just because they voted for it. Money is fleeing offshore so fast, the new five-dollar bill shows Lincoln in Bermuda shorts. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MAYAN CALENDAR

      The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts. (Jay Leno)

      December 21, the end of the world, is a Friday. So that means dress casual. (David Letterman)   

      If it turns out that the Mayans are right and the world is going to end, you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan is a genius. She’s been partying her brains out. She owes taxes. She’s crashing cars. She’s a genius! (Jay Leno)

      According to the Mayan calendar, December 21 marks the end of the world. Then why am I Christmas shopping? (David Letterman)   

      Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you? (David Letterman)   

      According to a new study, since Obama was re-elected as President, 53% of the population no longer care if the Mayan calendar is correct. (Steve Yeich)

      A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody. (Jay Leno)

      Last night the Spice Girls musical debuted in London. So it turns out the Mayans were off by just a few weeks. (Conan O'Brien)

      So the Wizards won again, and the Lakers lost to the Cavaliers. What did that Mayan calendar say again? (Janice Hough)    

      I met an actual Mayan who doesn't really believe the world is going to end in a week. He's planning to hit the 'After Apocalypse' sales on Saturday. (Tim Hunter)

      GUNS & VIOLEMCE

      NBC's Bob Costas caught a lot of flak over his gun-control comments during his Sunday Night Football halftime commentary last week. If Bob really wants to rid sports of deadly weapons, he should advocate a ban on Dwight Howard's free throws. (Mike Bianchi)

      Commie pinko thought of the night:  Yeah I know. "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." But people with assault weapons kill a lot more people. (Janice Hough)  

      Florida is about to become the first state to issue 1 Million concealed gun permits. Mostly because Texans feel they already have a permit to carry a concealed weapon issued by God. (Jim Barach)  

      A Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel. The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!" and the headline referred to it as a 'Massive Weapons Cache'. By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called 'Mentally Unstable'. If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona, he'd be called an 'Avid Gun Collector'. In Oklahoma, he'd be called a 'Novice Gun Collector'. In Utah, he'd be called 'Moderately Well Prepared', but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food. In Montana, he'd be called the 'Neighborhood Go-To Guy'. In Idaho, he'd be called 'Likely Gubernatorial Candidate'. In Wyoming, he'd be called an 'Eligible Bachelor'. and in Texas, he'd be called a 'Hunting Buddy'. (Mike Burns)

      For those who like to quote the Constitution and amendments:  "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." Okay, can we at least work on the 'well-regulated' part? (Janice Hough)  

      Would those who consider the Second Amendment as literal gospel be willing to consider a government program whereby automatic weapons would be turned in and exchanged for muskets? (Janice Hough)  

      It is possible that we who are in favor of gun control have it wrong as far as stopping mass killings. Maybe we should be looking at regulating young white men. (Janice Hough)  

      THE HOLIDAY SEASON

      It's starting to get Christmassy around here. The fake wreaths are hanging. The lattes at Starbucks are spiced. The holidays are upon us and won't get off us. It's time to start practicing your pretending-to-like-a-gift face. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      AAA says the Christmas travel season could be the biggest in six years. Mostly because people have enough money to travel to visit family members, and the family members have enough money to travel and leave before everyone else arrives. (Jim Barach)  

      You know America watches too much reality TV when you sing the Christmas song, 'What Child is This', and people answer, "Honey Boo Boo." (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A survey found that 66 million Americans haven't started their holiday shopping. Which means they only have 14 more days to find out which gas station near their house sells Chili's gift cards. (Jimmy Fallon)

      It's hard to get in the holiday spirit in L. A. It's hard to get in the holiday spirit anywhere where you see people shopping for Christmas trees in shorts. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Thought the Encino mall Santa was in the Christmas spirit when he yelled; "Ho, ho, ho." Turns out he was saying hi to the Kardashian sisters. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      A Toronto department-store Santa was fired for telling a three-year-old that the Maple Leafs suck. He's had thirty job offers from Ottawa. (RJ Currie)  

      A new poll revealed that 44 percent of Americans think Santa is a Democrat and 28 percent believe he is a Republican. And the other 28 percent said to please stop bothering me with stupid questions. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Some people said, "Oh, Santa's a Democrat because he gives handouts," and other people said, "He's a Republican because he's an old white guy." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The fact of the matter is Santa isn't a Democrat or a Republican. In fact, Santa isn't even an American. I have news for you. The real Santa is Chinese. You think elves are the ones making that plastic crap we give our kids? No. Chinese people are. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      There are only 11 days before Christmas Eve. I give a lot of gifts on Christmas and I get a lot of gifts on Christmas. But I don't open them right away. I like to save my gifts and I open them during shark week. It's just more exciting. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Tis the season. Legend has it the baby Jesus was surrounded in a stable by pigs, sheep, and cows. We commemorate the event on Christmas Day by inviting our relatives. (Alan Ray)

      On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me a larger house so my ten lords a leaping and eight maids a milking don't have to share a bathroom. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      It’s Christmas time in the city. Why does Santa Claus park his sleigh on everyone’s rooftop? Because the UPS truck is blocking the driveway. (Alan Ray)

      According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat — which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican. (Conan O'Brien)

      We’re so politically correct in San Francisco that our holiday greeting is along the lines of: "May the corpulent bearded one in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery." (Will Durst)  

      Christmas Eve is two weeks away. Santa has a backup plan should Dancer, Prance, Donner, or Blitzen break their legs during flight? It’s called dinner. (Alan Ray)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Obama visited a family in Virginia to pitch his tax plan. He's hoping he can find at least one family in the country that will endorse it. (Steve Yeich)

      ADMINISTRATION

      Rumor has it that Republican Chuck Hagel may be President Obama's nomination as the next secretary of defense. Waiting for John McCain to object on principle. (Janice Hough)

      THE CONGRESS

      Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago. (Jimmy Fallon)

      House Speaker John Boehner says that his efforts to work with President Obama on the fiscal cliff have resulted in a lot of talk but 'no action.' Yeah, a lot of talk but no action -- or as I called that in college, 'a date'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE COURTS

      An Orange County (CA) Superior Judge, Derek Johnson, refused to sentence Metin Gurel who was found guilty of rape to jail time because he considered the crime a 'Technical Rape' and trivial. Gurel had threatened to mutilate the woman with a heated screwdriver if she didn't comply before forcing oral copulation and sexual intercourse on her. Court records reveal the judge stated when refusing to sentence the rapist to jail, "If someone doesn't want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down. The body will not allow that to happen unless a lot of damage is inflicted, and we heard nothing about that in this case. That tells me that the victim, although she was not necessarily willing, she didn't put up a fight. He then declared the rape 'technical' and 'not a real rape'. "To treat this case like the rape cases we all hear about is an insult to victims of rape. I think it trivialities a rape," the judge ruled. The California Commission of on Judicial Performance found the Judge's remarks outdated, biased, insensitive about sexual assault victims, and inappropriate, but only admonished him without any probation or suspension from his judicial duties. Just another elderly white male who feels the only thing the government should control is women's bodies. (LA Times and Stan Kegel)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      They say that Mitt Romney is depressed. That's too bad. But better him than all the rest of us. It's a triage kind of thing. (Will Durst)

      Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie visited the White House. President Obama told him, "I'd invite you to lunch but the deficit is already too high." (Conan O'Brien)  

      New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It's unclear if they're talking about the 2013 governor's race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest. (Conan O'Brien)

      New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in. (Conan O'Brien)

      Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he's taking steps to run for president once again. He says he's seeking the presidency for three reasons. He can remember only two of them, but he is seeking it. (Jay Leno)

      A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he’s at it again because he’s now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein. (Conan O'Brien)  

      The governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards she apologized. She said, "Sorry, I'm a little touchy because it's almost Christmas and it's 135 degrees outside." (Conan O'Brien)

      Wow, just wow. Mike Huckabee, from whom I would have expected better: "We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?" Uh right, because there has never been violence or killing in the name of religion. (Janice Hough)  

      Bush did go to Vietnam, he just chose to wait several decades to be sure that the shooting part was finished. Who knows, Mitt Romney might even go there and search from hut to hut looking for all those missing votes he paid Karl Rove for. (Jerry W.)

      Donald Trump says Anna Wintour as an Ambassador would be “a favor to the country.” A bigger favor would be to make Donald Trump an ambassador so he would have to live in another country. (Jim Barach)  

      Dick Cheney is writing a medical memoir about life with heart disease. He hasn't decided on a title yet but he has it narrowed down to three choices: 'Why I'm a Cranky Old Man', 'The Urge to Waterboard Keeps Me Alive' or 'Who Would Have Thought I Had a Heart?' (Steve Yeich)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      The Washington Post's poll Thursday has Hillary Clinton with record high approval ratings. Fifty-seven percent of Americans polled support her for president in four years. Thanks to Cialis, Bill Clinton could give comedians another eight years of easy living. (Argus Hamilton)

      Susan Rice asked to be removed from consideration for Secretary of State, now President Obama will have to find a replacement. In an attempt to please the Republicans, the president’s reported to be interviewing International Arabian Horse Association officials, since that worked so well for George W. Bush. (Jerry W.).

      Susan Rice has withdrawn her name from consideration as Secretary of State. Hey, now that Hillary's staying home in the U.S., wonder if Bill Clinton would be interested in the job? (Janice Hough)  

      Some stories this morning trying to make a big deal out of the fact that Andrew Cuomo refused to endorse Hillary Clinton for President in 2016. Suppose it's too much to ask that we at least not start the next campaign until after Obama's second inauguration. (Janice Hough)  

      THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon is preparing for massive budget cuts in the event that the country does go over the fiscal cliff. You can tell the Pentagon is scaling back because today it became the ‘Triangle'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Army has started kicking out overweight soldiers, and they're refusing to admit recruits that are obese. That shows you how times have changed. Back in the '60s, you had to go to Canada to stay out of the Army. Now, you just have to go to McDonald's. (Jay Leno)

      This year over 1,500 soldiers were kicked out of the armed forces for being overweight. And half of our fighter pilots are being charged for two seats. (Conan O'Brien)

      THE STATES

      South Carolina governor Nikki Haley is apparently not amused by a Twitter campaign pushing her to appoint Stephen Colbert as Senator to replace Jim DeMint. But seriously, looking at some of these unfunny clowns, could Colbert do any worse? (Janice Hough)  

      Washington State has legalized marijuana. Advocates say, "It’s about time, but they should have passed this law a long time ago." Like when Twinkies were still available. (TC Chong)

      Yesterday, Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper — then they spent a few hours just saying the word 'Hickenlooper'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      According to the latest census poll, a large number of Californians are moving out of state and going to places like Texas and Nevada. Look, I know a lot of us are disgusted with the Lakers, but that's no reason. . . (Jay Leno)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A recent survey declared Boston to be the smartest U.S. city. If so, then how do you explain hiring Bobby Valentine? (Chad Picasner)  

      A city in South Dakota has banned eating while driving. I'm fine with that -- it tends to get in the way of my texting. (Tim Hunter)   

      Michigan triplets are all behind bars. In a unique form of punishment, they will finish each other’s sentences. (Gary Bachman)    

      A Florida man was arrested after he left his ten-month-old baby alone with their pit bull while he drank at a bar. However, this being Florida, the man is still in contention for the title of Father-of-the-year. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Santa Monica has banned nativity scenes on public land. Opponents want to use real people to make a display instead of statues to get around the rule. The problem is, it’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin? (Jay Leno)

      New York City, especially during the holidays, is the only place I know where the shoplifters complain about the pickpockets. (David Letterman)   

      A giant whale washed up on the beach in Malibu. Immediately the sheriff's department came and got it, and took it over to the local sushi bar. (David Letterman)   

      There are parts of California that are as spectacular as anywhere in the country. Especially the part of California known as 'Not L. A.'(Craig Ferguson)

      People think Californians are a bunch of spaced-out morons without a care in the world who can't hold a thought in their heads. And to them I say, "Whatever." (Craig Ferguson)

      This week, police in Ohio had to break up a fight between two neighbors with the last names Hall and Oates. But don't worry. It was quickly broken up by officers Simon and Garfunkel. (Jimmy Fallon)

      U.S. POLITICS & POLITICIANS

      If you simply change one consonant and one vowel, the tea party becomes the pee party. This makes perfect sense since they are in a perpetually 'Pissed Off' state. (Jerry W.)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Starbucks sold 5,000 limited-edition stainless steel gift cards for $450 each, which were loaded with just $400 in Starbucks credit. Now some of the cards are selling on EBay for over $1000. Because nothing says I like paying too much for fancy coffee like an overpriced gift card? (Janice Hough)  

      Starbucks metal gift cards that sold for $450 are now selling on eBay for $1,000. Apparently people don’t mind paying twice as much for coffee they are already paying ten times too much to buy. (Jim Barach)  

      Gas prices have dropped 10 cents per gallon in 2 weeks. A drop in revenue could mean cutbacks at the station. And you think the restrooms are dirty now? (Alan Ray)

      The last batch of Hostess Twinkies hit the shelves today. While Twinkie fans may have to hurry before the sweet treats sell out, on a brighter note any extra stash can probably be willed to their grandchildren. (Janice Hough)  

      A study says that gossip makes up 90% of workplace conversation. The other 10% is sexual harassment. (Jim Barach)  

      There's a new iPhone app that uses your location to give you constant updates about the weather. It's called, 'Talking to Your Mom'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Citigroup will slash 11,000 jobs. Lower level employees complain the severance package is kind of skimpy. A 2013 desk calendar. (Alan Ray)

      McDonald's reported today that it had better than expected sales in the month of November. Executives credit the success to increased advertising, new menu items, and two states legalizing weed. (Jimmy Fallon)

      McDonald’s just announced that it’s bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, "Hey, we tried to warn you." (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Not a joke, Pizza Hut has actually responded to requests with a limited edition "Eau de Pizza Hut" perfume, which smells of baked pizza dough and herbs.  But it's already sold out.  Bad news for women who REALLY want a scent a man can't resist. (Janice Hough)  

      A company in California designed a flying drone that will drop burritos over your house using a parachute -- or as Chris Christie calls that, 'the best forecast ever!' (Jimmy Fallon)

      FedEx handled 19 million packages yesterday. They didn't deliver them, they just handled them. (David Letterman)   

      Three former IndyMac executives were ordered to pay the FDIC $169 Million over the collapse of the California lender. That means all three will be forced to give up last year’s Christmas bonus along with a week’s full salary. (Jim Barach)  

      Domino's Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is suing the federal government because he objects to the requirement mandating contraception coverage in his company's healthcare plan. Wonder how other employers feel about covering health related issues resulting from eating Domino's Pizza. (Janice Hough)  

      The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place. (Jay Leno)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Delta Airlines has bought a 49 percent stake in Virgin Atlantic. It will enable expanded service opportunities. The purchaser will be able to add new destinations in which to lose your luggage. (Alan Ray)

      Government data says that U.S. highway deaths were at a 62 year low in 2011, the fewest since 1949. Apparently 1950 was the year Chrysler started selling cars in mass numbers. (Jim Barach)  

      Ford says it has fixed the problem of fires starting in their Escape and Fusion models. Apparently car owners have been told to keep a fire extinguisher, shovel and sand in the back seat at all times. (Jim Barach)  

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      According to his lawyer, Jerry Sandusky is unhappy with his solitary confinement and wants a change, believing he would be safe in the prison's general population. Okay by me! (Janice Hough)  

      A man dressed in body armor and face mask walked into an Oregon mall and started shooting up the place. Police feared the worst. But it turned out OK because the three killed were supporters of the Second Amendment. (Bill Williams)    

      A man wearing a Mitt Romney mask robbed a bank in Virginia. He was seen driving away in a 1983 Chevy Caprice station wagon with a dog strapped to the roof. (Terry Etter)

      Two New Mexico men are accused of plotting to kill Justin Bieber. The prosecutor in the case will seek the harshest penalty. Attend his concert with 14 year olds. (Alan Ray)

      TERRORISM 

      Al-Qaida's number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today al-Qaida's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family. (Jay Leno)

      Al-Qaeda's number-two leader was killed by a drone strike Tuesday in Pakistan. He was the sixth number-two leader of Al-Qaeda we have assassinated by drone. It may not have done that much damage when you consider that our number-two leader is Joe Biden. (Argus Hamilton)

      CIVIL RIGHTS 

      So the U.S. Supreme Court is going to hear a case on gay marriage. After the Court's Citizens United ruling maybe it's time for a new tactic - i.e. if people and corporations are legally equivalent, well, then, corporate mergers have always been gender-neutral. (Janice Hough)

      CANADA

      A couple of days ago in an IKEA store in Toronto they had a crazy monkey running around wild. IKEA found out about the monkey and now he's making $15 an hour assembling wall units. (David Letterman)   

      A tame chimpanzee somehow got lose from his owner in a Toronto IKEA and ran around terrorizing shoppers until Mounties arrived and took him into custody. But not before he'd assembled a couch, a coffee table and three cinder block book cases. (Bob Mills)

      MEXICO

      A study says the net migration from Mexico into the U.S. from 2005-2010 was zero. Apparently once the dollar started to go south so did all the Mexicans. (Jim Barach)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Princess Kate and Prince William are expecting a baby. When Prince Harry heard about it he also heard there would be a baby shower, but all he heard was "shower" and he just assumed it would be an excuse to get naked in front of people. She may be pregnant with twins. If so, those 2 kids will be fighting to get out first because the oldest twin will be heir to the throne. (Steve Yeich)

      The UK Census says that 176,000 people in England and Wales claim their religion as Jedi Knight. Needless to say, the Census also says they are all still single. (Jim Barach)  

      A new spicy variety of peanut butter - six times hotter than the world's hottest chilli - is to be sold in Britain. It is named Instant Regret peanut butter. When test tasted it made the tasters cry. The spread is not for the faint-hearted and even comes with a warning to users. It is not suitable for the elderly nor children. (Rich Hancock)

      A man in London got two years in prison for stepping over a museum barrier and defacing a Mark Rothko painting. He did it to promote the 'Yellowism Movement', which if you remember was started by George W. Bush when he weaseled out of going to Vietnam. (Bill Williams)  

      EUROPE

      Holland is known for its relaxed attitude toward marijuana, but the city of Amsterdam is banning pot smoking in schools. Their goal is to turn high school into buzz school. (Terry Etter) 

      Amsterdam is going to ban marijuana smoking in school. Apparently they came to the decision after nearly going broke trying to feed the kids at lunch and having to wait three weeks for them to finish each test. (Jim Barach)  

      Seeking to raise funds to save their 160-year old monastery, Trappist monks in Flanders, Belgium sold 15,000 six packs of a rare ale called Westvleteren XII, believed to be among the finest ever brewed.  A popular import in Elizabethan England, Robin Hood reportedly announced the commencement of Happy Hour by yelling "It's Westvleteren time!" (Bob Mills)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      President Obama recognized the Syrian opposition as the legitimate representative of the Syrian people. We're all in. The president added that he has no plan to send U.S. troops to Syria, as if having no plan ever stopped a U.S. military invasion in the Middle East. (Argus Hamilton)

      Thailand is producing elephant dung coffee that costs $50 a cup. To which Starbucks says, "And we thought our prices were elephant dung." (Jim Barach)  

      THE FAR EAST

      The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang. (David Letterman)

      Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea's successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The satellite that North Korea launched on Tuesday is apparently unstable, and could collide with several American satellites. Or as North Korea calls that, 'The Point'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A Tokyo jeweler has made a Christmas tree from gold that is selling for $4.2 Million. The store will also help the buyer get it home by helping them strap it to the top of their car. (Jim Barach)  

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      The International Olympic Committee has stripped India of its right to participate in the games. To make matters worse, Tech Support will no longer be an exhibition sport. (Tim Hunter)

      The International Olympic Committee has stripped India of its right to participate in the games. In response, India said, "Fine, just try logging on to your computers now." (Conan O'Brien) 

      SCIENCE AND HEALTH

      The U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission has notified Baby Matters, makers of "Nap Nanny" infant recliners, to recall their product until design changes are made to reduce infant injuries.   Seems the beer and snack dispenser can short circuit the TV remote to create a shock hazard. (Bob Mills)

      A study says the decline in air pollution levels is linked to the increase in life expectancy.  Mostly because there is less pollution because people can’t afford gasoline and the life expectancy increase is because people are now forced to walk since they can’t drive. (Jim Barach)  

      A study says that mobile apps can help people lose weight, as long as they diet and exercise. Which is like saying that mobile apps can help you retire comfortably as long as you have a good job, save and invest wisely. (Jim Barach)  

      America's Health Ran

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