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289Weakly Humerus News 12-02-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Dec 3, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-02-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Publishing content online isn't for the faint of heart. Certainly not for those who aren't truly professional publishers, such as the Los Angeles Times. Here's the headline on a story they published in their "Environment" section on Wednesday:
      THE HEADLINE MUST NOT BE MORE THAN 64 CHARACTERS
      The Times pulled the entire story, rather than just fix the headline. Now that's the sign of an embarrassed publisher! (Jumbo Jokes)

      If Obama gives State to John Kerry
      The GOP’s bound to be merry:
      Scott Brown can then run
      For John’s seat. Oh what fun!
      This explains why they’ll Susan Rice bury.
      (Madeleine Begun Kane)

      Some insurance companies say they won't pay for recent storm damage in the northeast, because of some of the fine print in policies.  Homeowners are saying they don't believe there's a Sandy clause. (Tim Hunter)

      Race-car driver Danica Patrick is getting a divorce. Would it be inappropriate to say their relationship hit a wall? (Jack Finarelli) 

      The NFL may fine Detroit Lion Ndamukong Suh for kicking Houston Texan Matt Schaub in the groin. The play also changes terminology. It brings new meaning to being 'credited with a sack'. (Alan Ray)

      You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes, and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress. (Author Unknown

      The Chicago Bears Brendan Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. The NFL, where men are men and cheerleaders are nervous. (TC Chong)  

      Some Brooklyn residents are venting at Russell Crowe who has taken over neighborhoods ravaged by Sandy while shooting a new movie. However, they are just glad it wasn't a Kevin Costner movie since the worst thing to follow a hurricane would be another bomb. (Jim Barach)

      THE ELECTION AFTERMATH

      A thought about the 2012 GOP primary. Half of them were probably on Fox contracts at one point in their career. You do that. You write some books. You go out and you sell some more. You get a radio gig or a TV gig out of it or something. And it's like, you say to yourself, the barriers of entry to this game are pretty damn low. (Jon Huntsman)

      On secession: At least now I’m beginning to understand why southern states were always so hesitant to get rid of the Confederate Flag. It’s like keeping your fat pants after you lose some weight. You’re happy for now with the new you, but you’re pretty sure you’re gonna need those pants again. (Jon Stewart)

      An animated breaking news alert about the fiscal cliff startled a Fox News host. Earlier this month, the breaking news that Obama was re-elected nearly gave Fox News employees a heart attack. (Gary Bachman)  

      THE FISCAL CLIFF

      The big topic continues to be the 'Fiscal Cliff'. That's not a term that normal people use. People don't relate to that. You want to use words people understand. Say we are headed for 'Broke-A** Mountain'. (Jay Leno)

      Tensions over the so-called fiscal cliff reached a boiling point today as House Speaker John Boehner accused President Obama of acting like he won the November election. "Our message is clear: Mr. President, we are ready to negotiate with you," Mr. Boehner told reporters. "But this nonsense of acting like you won the election has got to stop." (Andy Borowitz)

      Ben Bernanke is saying we need to resolve the fiscal cliff or risk recession. First of all, when did we ever come out of the recession? And second, I suggest Bernanke take the advice of an ancient Chinese Proverb: "When standing by a cliff it is best to take your head out of your ass." Okay, I made up the proverb, but still, good advice. (Steve Yeich)

      We're headed for a fiscal cliff and President Obama is in a tough spot. Because the Democrats did so well on Election Day, he's running out of Republicans he can blame this on. (Jay Leno)

      THE PETRAEUS SCANDAL

      The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that's the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama. (Bill Maher)

      The Pentagon ordered Thanksgiving dinner catered for all U.S. soldiers and personnel serving abroad on Thursday. It was no picnic stateside. General Petraeus' relatives asked the general to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress. (Argus Hamilton)

      I don't care that they were screwing, but I do sort of care that the CIA director can't keep a secret. Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn't even know his phone was on. (Bill Maher)

      Down in Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there was this glorified gypsie grifter named Jill Kelly, who's part Kardashian, part Palin, and part Snooki, who was hanging around the military bases. The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee's and orders the filet? So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone – of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell – telling her to stay away from my general. Because if there's one thing a mistress hates, it's a guy who cheats. (Bill Maher)

      SUSAN RICE

      A trio of Republican senators today blasted U. N. Ambassador Susan Rice for misleading the American public, which, in the words of Sen. Lindsay Graham (R., S.C.), "has traditionally been our job." "Ambassador Rice has been engaged in nonstop lies and double-talk," said Sen. Graham, one of three Republican senators who had a closed-door meeting with Rice. "If she really wants to do those things so badly, she should run for the U. S. Senate like the rest of us." (Andy Borowitz)

      Political pundits theorize that Republicans are blocking the nomination of Susan Rice as Secretary of State to insure that John Kerry gets the nod so Scott Brown can take his vacated Senate seat. The GOP hasn't been this down on rice since they were forced to attend a Congressional luncheon for the Chinese ambassador. (Bob Mills)

      OBAMA-ROMNEY LUNCHEON

      When he invited Mitt Romney over for lunch, President Obama needed to include directions on how to get to the White House. In spite of Mitt believing that he was born to be in the White House, it’s obvious that he didn’t know how to get there. (Jerry W.) 

      President Obama and Mitt Romney will meet at the White House today for a post-election/pre-Christmas lunch. Wonder if they will exchange gifts? (Janice Hough)

      Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will eat lunch together today at the White House. Obama will be having duck while Romney will be eating crow. (Gary Bachman)  

      President Obama and Mitt Romney had lunch together at the White House today. In fact, Romney offered to buy Obama lunch but the president said, "No, no it's on our grandchildren. They'll take care of it. Don't even worry about it." (Jay Leno)

      Today Mitt Romney had lunch with President Obama. It was an awkward moment when the bill came and Obama only offered to pay 47 percent. (Conan O'Brien)

      I guess it was a closed event: There was no press allowed, there were no cameras, no recordings -- to which Mitt Romney said, "I'm not falling for that one again." (Jay Leno)

      President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney. There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, "So how much do you want for the place?" (Conan O'Brien)

      As Mitt Romney drove away following the meeting, White House staffers did a quick check to locate Bo. (Jerry Perisho)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama said he hopes and intends to be a better president in his second term. I think he will get full agreement, even from those who voted for him, that there is no way to go but up. (Steve Yeich)

      Pravda says that President Obama was reelected by an 'illiterate society'. The White House says that isn’t true. President Obama didn’t win any of the southern states. (Jim Barach)

      Before Thanksgiving Obama pardoned the White House turkey. He told the turkey it was Bush's fault that he needed to be pardoned in the first place.  (Steve Yeich) 

      President Obama has wrapped up his four-day, three-country trip to Asia. And insiders say the last 96 hours were very productive. The president said he may have found a country in Asia that can make Twinkies for us. (Jay Leno)

      Barack Obama bought some books from an independent Virginia bookstore to promote 'small business Saturday'. In related news, Charlie Sheen promoted 'small business Saturday' by purchasing some crack from a local dealer. (Gary Bachman)  

      MITT ROMNEY

      Mitt Romney was photographed at a gas station in San Diego filling up his car, then he was spotted later in the day at Disneyland. See, that's when you know you're rich -- when you can afford to fill up your car with gas and go to Disneyland on the same day. (Jay Leno)

      Encouraged by a positive review in the Wall Street Journal after he sang our national anthem, Mitt Romney bought a music studio and is making his first album, it will feature a Beatles song remix that he calls 'Can't buy me love, or an election'. (Jerry W.) 

      THE CONGRESS

      Speaker John Boehner announced all 19 major House committee chairs for the next congress, and all 19 are white men. So alas for diversity, the only man of color amongst GOP congressional leadership, is orange. (Janice Hough)

       

      Kyrsten Sinema, elected in a very close Arizona race, will now be Congress's first openly bisexual member. Not to be confused with a number of Congressmen who have been known to buy sex. (Janice Hough)

      Congress decorates for the holidays. How do you spot the Christmas tree on Capitol Hill? It’s the only object up there with any balls. (Alan Ray)

      THE COURTS

      The Supreme Court ordered lower courts to review Obama Care's rule that religious schools provide employees free birth control and condoms. Catholics oppose it. If they can overturn this rule it'll be the second time in a week that Notre Dame defeated the Trojans. (Argus Hamilton)

      A group of gay men and their mothers are suing a New Jersey conversion therapy group that claimed it would make them heterosexual. The best evidence against the group is that the men couldn't sue without bringing their moms along. (Jim Barach)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Grover Norquist said today that his Americans for Tax Reform group would work to unseat Republicans who break their pledge to never vote for higher taxes. If Norquist has this much power, how do any Democrats get re-elected? (Janice Hough)

      During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he’s actually one of the guys who signed it. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Los Angeles Times conservative columnist Charlotte Allen has apparently seriously endorsed Sarah Palin for the 2016 GOP nomination. So who says Democrats never agree with Republican ideas? (Janice Hough)  

      "The only good thing about Grover Norquist is he’s named after a character from 'Sesame Street.'" stated former Pres. George W. Bush adviser Matthew Dowd. But while Elmo has been accused of screwing underage boys, this Grover has been screwing the whole country. (Janice Hough)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Joe Biden made his birthday wish today. Right after blowing out the candles he asked everyone, "Am I invisible yet?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A Manhattan doctor is offering "Pokertox" treatments for his card-playing patients, a $600-$800 procedure that lasts 3-4 months.  "Very few people can maintain a real poker face," Dr. Jack Berdy told the New York Post. "They have some 'tells', some expression that gives away that they have a good hand or a bad hand. Some squint, or furrow their brows. We can inject Botox. What someone sees across the table is no movement." (Dwight Perry)

      New York City's District Attorney says he was a porn actor back in the 70's. He was good too. He's the one who made Linda Lovelace confess. (Bill Williams)  

      The NYPD announced that on Monday that for the "first time in memory" there was not a single murder in New York City. Wow. guess Cyber Monday keeps even the bad guys from working. (Janice Hough)

      The mayor of Newark, New Jersey plans to spend a week experiencing what it’s like to live on food stamps. I plan to sleep in an outhouse for a week to experience what it’s like to live in Newark. (Gary Bachman)  

      An Arizona woman, angry at Obama winning another term, drove over her husband with their car because he didn't vote. That's today's election rundown. (RJ Currie)

      A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn't been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place. (Janice Hough)

      A Chicago woman has racked up $105,000 in parking fines. Apparently her defense is that she always parked where there were signs that said 'Fine for parking'. (Jim Barach)

      THE ECONOMY

      Warren Buffett is calling for a minimum tax on all millionaires. To which people are complaining that compared to everyone else, millionaires are already paying pretty much the absolute minimum tax. (Jim Barach)

      Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, says Congress should lift the debt ceiling to infinity. Apparently, he somehow got the debt ceiling confused with the universe, which is actually infinite. If there is any justice Geithner will come back as his own grandchild and he will be stuck paying that debt. (Steve Yeich)

      The only way that raising the debt ceiling to infinity is okay is if you believe in the Mayan calendar and that the world is going to end December 21st. (Steve Yeich)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The White House Council on Economic Advisors predicted an uptick in employment across the U.S. this month. They predicted several hundred thousand new jobs will be created. The bad news is, most of those new jobs will require a beard, a red suit and a sack. (Argus Hamilton)  

      Hostess Brands Inc. is asking a judge to approve giving its top execs bonuses totaling up to $1.8 million. The company says the incentive pay is needed to retain the 19 managers during the liquidation process, which could take about a year. Maybe they could pay them in Twinkies? (Janice Hough)

      Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can’t figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn’t be in the snack cake industry. I guess I’ll just have to take my business to Little Debbie. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A Consumer Reports carrier survey says that Verizon is the best wireless carrier while AT&T is the worst. Actually, they are just assuming AT&T is the worst because they couldn’t actually get any calls through to AT&T customers to ask about their service. (Jim Barach)

      New ultra thin iMacs go on sale Friday. It is so lightweight and easy to transport. It was designed to resemble a customer’s wallet. (Alan Ray

      The man responsible for Apple’s much criticized new iPhone 5 mapping software has been fired. Presume in this case they actually did have to show him the door. (Janice Hough)

      Starbucks is now selling a premium coffee for $6 for the smallest cup. Does it come with a designer label so you can advertise how much you spent on it? (Janice Hough)

      A high-end Japanese restaurant in California is offering a $1,200 dish containing fine caviar and topped with 24-karat gold leaves. The restaurant in Los Gatos has introduced the Decadence Staircase, a dish consisting of a bamboo staircase topped with a variety of Russian premium  caviar. The dish, which also includes spiny lobster is topped with 24-karat gold leaves. (Rich Hancock)  

      TRANSPORTATION

      A new dating site, Meetattheairport.com, is designed for travelers to meet while they are waiting for their flights. Let's hope the major airlines don't get wind of this. They may start charging more for delays as potential extra mingling time. (Janice Hough)

      On a flight home from Berlin, pop singer Rhianna was upstaged by a journalist who took off all his clothes. Witnesses reported that it wasn't just his seat that was in an upright position. (Gary Bachman)  

      Japan Airlines will serve KFC on flights. The combo meal comes with its usual side. Hardened arteries. (Alan Ray)

      A JetBlue flight attendant was arrested at JFK airport for allegedly helping her boyfriend steal an iPhone from another traveler. This is not supposed to happen; the only airline people allowed to ripoff the public are those who come up with all those surcharges. (Janice Hough)

      NASA & SPACE

      A report says the U.S. planned to blow up the Moon with a nuclear weapon in the 1950s during the Cold War to scare Russia. They then decided it would be scarier to say, "We are going to nuke Uranus." (Jim Barach)  

      NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A super-giant black hole 17 billion times as massive as our sun has been discovered by scientists. However, the biggest black hole in the universe still can be found on Queen Latifah. (Gary Bachman)  

      CANADA

      A Toronto couple who met at a Maple Leafs game and got engaged right before a home game, recently had a Leafs-themed wedding. It's probably the first honeymoon where nobody scored. (RJ Currie)

      A clerk at a downtown Vancouver 7-11 was doused with lighter fluid and held hostage this week. She emerged unharmed and a man was arrested at the scene. Firefighters at the scene were ready to douse her with Slurpees if needed. (TC Chong)  

      An Ontario man who has been in a vegetative state for over a decade has been able to communicate with doctors via brain wave analysis. This is considered a major breakthrough by the NHLPA who want to try this on the Commish. (TC Chong)  

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Rupert Murdoch is the guy whose tabloids hacked into people's phones in England. He's back in hot water today. The British parliamentary commission delivered its findings. The report assessed the standards and ethics of the British tabloids. Spoiler alert: They don't have any. (Craig Ferguson)

      The investigation concluded that Britain's current press watchdog has no teeth. I'm like, It's Britain. Who the heck does? (Craig Ferguson)

      'Milking' is set to be the new fad judging by the video clips of men pouring four-pint containers of milk over themselves across Newcastle, South Wales. Students and graduates are shown 'milking' themselves outside pubs and in the middle of the road. (Rich Hancock)  

      EUROPE

      The city of Zurich, Switzerland is building drive-in sex booths to keep prostitutes off the streets. Some of the resulting business names are aimed at a face-paced clientele. Jiffy Lube. (Alan Ray)

      Zurich, Switzerland is set to build drive-in 'sex boxes' where people can take prostitutes and stay out of sight of the public. Americans are all in favor of drive-thru sex boxes, as long as you can get a cheeseburger at the same time. (Jim Barach)

      France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before. (Jay Leno)

      The City of Cannes, France launched its first annual 'Chocolate Fair' featuring beautiful woman from all nations wearing designer outfits made entirely of cocoa products.  Biggest hit during the bathing suit portion was Lady GaGa's bikini made from two size D Reese's Cups and a Peter-Paul Mounds. (Bob Mills) 

      A Belgian man is seeking to divorce his wife of 19 years - after discovering that she was born a man. The man married the woman in 1993. But it was only in recent weeks that he discovered that his wife had originally been a man and had undergone a sex change. (Rich Hancock)   

      An Irish businessman said he is offering Pope John Paul II's Popemobile up for rent to partiers for $324 per hour. Paddy Dunning said the Popemobile, a yellow Ford Transit van specially adapted for the pope's 1979 visit to Ireland, is now planning to rent out the 15-seat vehicle for bachelor parties and other engagements. (Rich Hancock)   

      Macedonian border officials seized a truck from Albania found to be carrying half a ton of marijuana. As suspected, the other land's grass was greener. (RJ Currie)

      A news article in the Wall Street Journal said Denmark dropped the controversial 'fat' tax they started last year to pay for public services. The article stated the negative effects 'outweighed' the benefits. (Jerry W.)  

      AFRICA

      South Africa police arrested a drug smuggler and discovered 220 diamonds, worth $2.3-million U.S., in his stomach. When asked what tipped them off, they said a gut feeling. (RJ Currie)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Israel’s Iron Dome defense is intercepting 90% of Hamas’ missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch Tony Romo play. (Jay Leno)

      THE FAR EAST

      A Vietnamese airline that hosted a mid-flight dance by bikini-clad beauty contestants has reportedly been fined for overly-stimulating entertainment. This is not problem plaguing the Washington Wizards. (RJ Currie)

      China has just launched its first aircraft carrier. Delivery is a logistical nightmare, so every night they have to send a plane out to get restaurant pickup. (TC Chong)  

      There's a Chinese version of 'The Price is Right' that is very similar to the American one except at the end the host says, "Help control the pet population, have your pets baked or fried." (Gary Bachman)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      An Austrian driver drove 40 miles the wrong way down the country's busiest motorway because he had toothache and desperately needed a dentist. When arrested he claimed he could remember nothing about the drive, admitting he had taken a mixture of strong medication and alcohol to cope with the pain and the next thing he knew he was at the hospital being treated by doctors for his toothache. (Rich Hancock)  

      Scientists say a South Pacific island shown on marine charts, world maps and Google Earth does not exist. The supposedly sizeable strip of land, named Sandy Island, is shown midway between Australia and French-governed New Caledonia. But when scientists from the University of Sydney went to the area, they found only the blue ocean of the Coral Sea. The island is on Google Earth and other maps. How did the island find its way onto the maps? They don't know but hope to find out! (Rich Hancock)

      SCIENCE AND HEALTH

      Pediatricians are pushing to give younger teenage girls birth control pills. Although they are being sued for potential damages by the producers of 'Teen Mom', 'Teen Mom 2' and '16 and Pregnant'. (Jim Barach)

      Researchers have developed a strain of marijuana that doesn't get you high, or as most people call it -- a cigarette. (Steve Yeich)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Everyone here goes nuts when it rains. People are like, "Oh, no, it's raining! It's never been this bad before!" People are taking shelter under Meg Ryan's lips. (Craig Ferguson)

      There is panic here. Lindsay Lohan went to jail just to stay dry. (Craig Ferguson)

      SPORTS

      BASKETBALL

      At Saturday's BYU basketball game, two fans printed 6,300 'Chicago to Provo' T-shirts to give out to fans in hopes of swaying Jabari Parker, a highly ranked senior from Chicago Simeon Career Academy. The donated shirts are legal. Now someone buying the kid a hot dog, that would be a violation. (Janice Hough)

      The Washington Wizards are now 0-12. Fans may have already given up hopes for the NBA playoffs. But there's always the N.I.T. Wonder how long until the Washington Generals try to schedule a game against their crosstown rivals? (Janice Hough)

      Uh oh. The Washington Wizards actually won a game. And we are only 23 days away from the end of the Mayan calendar. Should we be worried? (Janice Hough)

      NBA commissioner David Stern fined San Antonio $250,000 after they sent 3 top players home early from a road trip, thereby missing the game against the Miami Heat. Stern said the fine was because the Spurs "did a disservice to the league and our fans." So why doesn't he fine the Wizards EVERY night? (Janice Hough)

      The Spurs will apparently be fined after sending Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili home to rest before playing the Grizzlies Saturday, causing them to miss Thursday's game against the Heat. Guess San Antonio should have followed NBA regular season protocol and just had their stars show up and sleepwalk through the game. (Janice Hough)

      BASEBALL

      The names Bonds, Clemens and Sosa are on the new baseball Hall of Fame ballot. The goal: Drive Pete Rose completely bonkers. (Brad Dickson)

      Commissioner Bud Selig vowed to keep Marlins fans in mind while monitoring Miami's salary-dump trade to the Blue Jays. And the amazing thing is that his nose didn't grow an inch. (Jerry Greene) 

      The Marlins might plow the cash accrued from their big salary dump into signing major free agents? Marlins fans who trust that will happen should hold a meeting tonight at the Gullible Tavern, corner booth. (Greg Cote) 

      Mike D'Antoni, expressing regret for leaving Phoenix, said "I should never have gone to New York." Wonder how long it might be before he says "I should never have gone to Los Angeles?" (Janice Hough)

      FOOTBALL

      Commissioner Roger Goodell says fans might start preferring to stay home because the TV broadcasts are so good. The rising costs of tickets, parking and concessions have nothing to do with it, you understand. (Bob Molinaro) 

      So maybe the Philadelphia Eagles and USC Trojans save contract money by just swapping coaches? Both Andy Reid and Lane Kiffin seriously underachieved this year with their professional teams. (Janice Hough)

      The New Orleans Saints claim Atlanta airport workers egged their bus. They also lost the game, as Drew Brees threw five interceptions. That's no yoke. (RJ Currie)

      Some disgruntled Dallas Cowboys fans have started a petition asking President Obama to remove their 'controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator' -- i.e. owner and GM Jerry Jones. Alas, Washington residents know if Obama had that power, he'd have already removed Dan Snyder. (Janice Hough)

      Monte Kiffin says he will retire as USC's defensive coordinator after their bowl game. Trojan fans are just praying "Like father, like son." (Janice Hough)

      The Chicago Bears Brendan Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Imagine when a coach calls time out and demands a measurement. What do you mean I’m an inch short! (TC Chong)    

      Chicago Bears receiver Brandon Marshall says some players are taking viagra as a PED. Man, talk about getting up for the big game. (Gary Bachman)  

       

      Chicago Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall says he's heard some guys in the league actually take Viagra before the game because they feel it gives them an edge. Remember, if the effects last more than 3 overtimes, see a doctor. (Tim Hunter)

       

      Chicago bears receiver Brandon Marshall says some NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Although it makes for some awkward moments for the center when the quarterback lines up behind him for the snap. (Jim Barach)

      The Chicago Bears Brendan Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. I hope they read the fine print. "If your erection lasts longer than 4 quarters, you should immediately consult your trainer." (TC Chong)  

      Tulane is the latest school to join the Big East for football. Perfect, now they can change the conference name to the "Big Easy" and be done with it. (Janice Hough)

      Have to wonder, with San Jose State's football team 10-2, how long until they join the Big East? Heck, they aren't that much west of San Diego State. (Janice Hough)

      Justin Bieber was booed during his Grey Cup halftime performance in Canada. In fairness, the Grey Cup crowd is not his target audience --more like the sippy cup. (Gary Bachman)

      During the Argonauts' championship celebration, the Grey Cup was missing an ear. Isn't that what the NHLPA says about Gary Bettman? (RJ Currie)

      HOCKEY AND OTHER SPORTS

      According to Forbes, the Toronto Maple Leafs are the first NHL team valued at a $1 billion. This just in: there's been a jump in the price of laughing stock. (RJ Currie)

      A British team of 28 adult female gymnasts set a Guinness world record by contorting themselves into a 2012 Mini Cooper. My wife says that should fuel my imagination for months. (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      Say what you will about the Lions, but at least they have a consistent, reliable kicker. Of course, I'm referring to Ndamukong Suh. (Sam Farmer)

      Ndamukong Suh was fined $30k for kicking Matt Schaub in the groin, but claims it was "inadvertent." Right, like he's going to say "Of course I meant to kick a QB in the nuts?" (Janice Hough)

      Ndamukong Suh swears his kick to Matt Schaub's family jewels was inadvertent. Sure. And when my dog puts his leg in that position, he doesn't mean to pee on the hydrant. (RJ Currie)

      What does an archaeologist have in common with Lance Armstrong? They both have a career in ruins. (RJ Currie)

      New York Giants tight end Martellus Bennett is being called a hero after catching a fan who fell from the stands. The fan has a lot to be grateful for, mostly that a Kansas City Chiefs receiver wasn't standing below him. (Brad Dickson)

      Red Wings prospect Riley Sheahan was arrested at a traffic stop dressed as a purple Teletubby with a blood alcohol level of 0.30 per cent. Or as a headline writer might put it: Stinky on Drinky, Tinky Winky in Clinky. (RJ Currie)

      B.J. Upton, who hit .246 last year, signed a $75.25 million, five-year contract with the Atlanta Braves. Forget the Hall of Fame, MLB players should build a SHRINE to Marvin Miller and Curt Flood. (Janice Hough)

      Canadian sledder Sarah Reid, who has placed first and second in World Cup skeleton races this season, was once a ballerina. I imagine sliding headfirst down a winding, icy path at over 140 km/h keeps you on your toes. (RJ Currie)

      UFC/Strikeforce women's bantamweight champ Ronda Rousey told ESPN her key to success is lots of pre-fight sex. Tip for Ronda: don't get married. (RJ Currie)

      'Honey Badger' Tyrann Mathieu was suspended from the LSU team in Aug. over drug charges, then arrested for marijuana possession while in rehab. Now Mathieu is entering the next NFL draft, saying he is "committed to tackling my personal issues" And what better place than the NFL to avoid temptation? (Janice Hough)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Hitchcock opened Friday starring Anthony Hopkins as the master director of murder suspense, Alfred Hitchcock. The highly-acclaimed actor has now played a murderous ventriloquist, Hannibal Lecter, Richard Nixon and Alfred Hitchcock. Millions of kids are told they're creeps in junior high school but very few grow up and win Hollywood awards for it. (Argus Hamilton)

      ENTERTAINERS

      The Rolling Stones celebrate their 50th anniversary. You can tell the band has aged. Their groupies still get them drugs. But now it’s mostly Lipitor. (Alan Ray)

      Dolly Parton has just released her new memoir. In the interest of reader safety, lets hope the pictures aren't pop-ups. (RJ Currie)

      Apparently Charlie Sheen sent Lindsay Lohan a $100,000 check towards her IRS bill. A nice gesture, of course, her antics HAVE helped keep him off the front page. (Janice Hough)

      Charlie Sheen has reportedly given Lindsay Lohan $100,000 to help her pay her taxes. Out of habit, he put the money on the dresser. (Gary Bachman)  

      Lindsay Lohan was arrested for assault last night in New York City. I guess she punched another woman in the face and knocked her dow

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