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287Weakly Humerus News 11-18-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Nov 19, 2012

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-18-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      It makes sense now: Gay marriage legalized on the same day as marijuana makes perfect biblical sense. Leviticus 20:13 "A man who lies with another man should be stoned." Our interpretation has just been wrong for all those years. (Katie Stephens)

      President Obama is in town today. He's visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he's visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that's a different story. (Conan 
      O'Brien)

      According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star Generals. (Conan O'Brien)

      General David Petraeus was caught between a catfight of mistresses on Tuesday. It's mixed news. The sex scandal cost General Petraeus any chance of the GOP nomination for president in four years, however it virtually guarantees him the Democratic nomination. (Argus Hamilton)

      Petraeus rhymes with Betray-us.  Coincidence?  I don't think so. (Tim Hunter)

      20 years ago, everyone sent letters, maybe a few pages long. Then we started sending emails and the notes got shorter. After awhile, that seemed like too long so we moved to texting and now we're just taking the next logical step. Now we send nothing. We finally realized we don't have anything to say to each other. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Donald Trump went nuts during Tuesday's election night defeat for Republicans and tweeted a call for revolution. He quickly deleted the tweet but the damage was done. Riot police rushed to Park Avenue to put down a mob of rich people wielding shrimp forks. (Argus Hamilton)

      A report says that thousands of consumers are being foreclosed on because of delinquent utility bills. How ironic is it to be underwater on a house but lose it because of an unpaid water bill? (Jim Barach)  

      A news article in the Wall Street Journal said Denmark dropped the controversial “fat” tax they started last year to pay for public services. The article stated the negative effects “outweighed” the benefits. (jerry)

      President Obama met with congressional leaders to try to reach a deal to dodge the fiscal cliff. It's not all bad news. If the Mayan Calendar is right and the world ends four days before Christmas, all the government pensions in America are suddenly fully funded. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hidden injuries! Switched jersey numbers! Intentionally deflated footballs! When USC said they wanted coach Lane Kiffin to set an example, I guess they should have specified what kind of example. (Greg Cote) 

      The producers of Lindsay Lohan's show "Liz and Dick" are so happy with the high ratings that they're doing sequel about Elizabeth Taylor's life after Richard Burton died, this version will star Ellen DeGeneres and will be called 'Life without Dick'.  (Jerry W.)

      The Oxford American Dictionary says the word of the year is GIF, a type of computer graphic. Apparently it beat out "Obama'd" when you get beaten severely while not even having a clue it is coming. (Jim Barach)  

      According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought it?" (Jay Leno)

      If this Petraeus-Allen scandal turns out to be the tip of the iceberg, how long until Bill Clinton applies to be Secretary of Defense. (Janice Hough)  


      THE ELECTION

      Florida has finally finished counting the votes for president. Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We're talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time. (Jay Leno)

      Still no election results from Florida yet. Florida is the post office of states. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The presidential election officially ended this weekend, four days after the polls closed. The votes from Florida finally came in. So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Florida, finally, just got all their votes counted from the election. Of course I'm referring to the Bush/Gore election. Apparently, in Florida they have old people counting the ballots and when they get to 20 they forget where they were and they have to start over. (Steve Yeich)

      President Obama was finally declared the winner of Florida, four days after the election that he had already clinched. Which really upset the members of the Supreme Court who were hoping to get to take a Florida vacation to get to pick the winner. (Jim Barach)  

      Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He'll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons. I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn't it? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE PREDICTIONS

      According to poll data, President Obama's victory on Tuesday was due largely to his popularity with both college students and the unemployed. So basically Obama became President the same way Budweiser became the King of Beers. (Seth Meyers)

      All of the Republican men who talked about lady parts during the campaign, they all lost, including two seats in the Senate, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, while Claire McCaskill and Elizabeth Warren won. And you know what? After all this stupid rape talk, it is refreshing to see women forcing their way into men's seats. (Bill Maher)

      THE AFTERMATH

      Mitt Romney arrived at his victory celebration in a 15-car Secret Service caravan. Of course, when you lose, the Secret Service dumps you immediately. So he had to hitch a ride home with his son. So there he is arriving in the 15-car motorcade and then he goes home in the back seat -- Tagg driving, Ann riding shotgun, dog on the roof. (Bill Maher)

      Obama won. Twenty women in the Senate, six openly gay congressmen, a bisexual congressman. This would such a good night for progressives, Anthony Weiner is tweeting his dick again. (Bill Maher)

      After this week's election 19 women will now hold seats in the Senate, which is the highest number ever. And no one is happier about it than the pantsuit industry. (Seth Meyers)

      Mitt Romney's family has been trying to console him since Tuesday's loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it's like to put together a cabinet. (Jay Leno)

      It's got to hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did. THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen. (Bill Maher)

      No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney's health care plan. (Bill Maher)

      Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama's major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Big Bird breathed a sigh of relief.  With Romney losing the election it enable him to remain on PBS welfare to get free advertising for his billion dollar enterprise.  Which means his taxes will go up with the rest of the 1%.(Steve Yeich)

      I'm really glad for the political season to be over. Even on 'The Walking Dead' this week, a guy was bit and before he became a zombie, he gave a concession speech. (Tim Hunter)

      There's also a rumor that Romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. That's in case you ever wondered what Ambien looks like in book form. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE BLAME

      Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this 'Cinco Denio'. (Conan O'Brien)  

      The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama's dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like s**t, it's time to take a shower. (Bill Maher)  

      Karl Rove had to tell top GOP donors how he spent half a billion of their money this year without winning. He was ashen-faced. It'd be the biggest waste of money in political history if it weren't for the fact that Karl Rove also advised George W. Bush to invade Iraq. (Argus Hamilton)

      When I worked with Rove at the White House, I found him to be a smart, energetic, capable man. Maybe more than I even realized. In the past two election cycles, he and his acolytes have personally helped Barack Obama get elected and yet made millions in the process. You tell me who the dummy is -- Rove or the people who keep listening to him and funding him. (Matt Latimer)

      Hey Mitt, you say Obama won because he gave "gifts" to minorities. Well, if he won by 51 percent, wouldn't that make them the majority and you the minority? (Bill Williams)

      Romney blamed his election loss on Obama, which seems the same as blaming your stove for burning you after you elbowed your way through a crowd to put your hand on the burner. (Jerry W.)

      A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car. (Jay Leno)

      A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She's so mad that Romney didn't win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove's wife. (Conan O'Brien)

      Real Clear Politics reported millions fewer white voters came out to vote Tuesday than four years ago. The weather was beautiful from coast to coast. The lesson is, never ask an Anglo-Saxon to choose between improving his golf game and improving his country. (Argus Hamilton)

      Florida Gov. Rick Scott said in a speech to conservatives this week that "the election is over. Get over it." And of course his state should be done counting ballots any week now. (Janice Hough)  

      THE FUTURE

      Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a 'fiscal cliff'. The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was 'Forward'. (Jay Leno)

      It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, "Why not?" Those questions can't be any tougher than the ones he's getting at home right now. (Jay Leno)

      The White House website received petitions from Southern states Monday calling for secession from the Union. The timing is very shrewd. This week is the perfect time for the South to secede when you consider that none of the Union generals have their pants on. (Argus Hamilton) 

      The states with the most signatures on petitions to secede from the union took the most money in federal aid. Apparently the people of those states figured they would do even better once they got on the list of countries receiving foreign aid from the U.S. (Jim Barach)  

      President Obama begin dealing with Congress Thursday after elections kept the GOP controlling the House, Democrats still controlling the Senate and Barack Obama still as president. They spent six billion dollars and nothing's changed. Kids who want to be rich in America used to want to be baseball players, now they want to own a TV station in Ohio. (Argus Hamilton)

      Apparently more than 25,000 people have signed a petition for Texas to secede from the United States. About 25 million other Americans would probably sign a petition saying, "Let them." (Janice Hough)  

      Do the Texans who want to secede know they have to take the Dallas Cowboys and the Houston Astros with them? (Alex Kaseberg)

      The election has been over for three days, but already there's a new survey that says Hillary Clinton is favored to win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. You'd think they could have at least waited until we peeled the "I voted" stickers off our jackets. (Jimmy Kimmel)  

      The survey showed Hillary Clinton with 58 percent of the vote, Vice President Biden with 17 percent, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo at 6 percent, and Massachusetts Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren with 3 percent. A woman who has not yet expressed any interest in running is well ahead of some other people who aren't running. Good study. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      DAVID PETRAEUS

      The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director can't keep an affair secret, you don't have a chance. (Jay Leno)

      The FBI probe of David Petraeus began when FBI software that scans all government e-mail for corruption flagged him. It's an honest mistake. The FBI was investigating the CIA Director for getting something under the table, and it turns out it was under the desk. (Argus Hamilton)

      The CIA director, David Petraeus, resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer. Hey general, you work for the CIA, not the TSA. (Craig Ferguson)

      The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director -- who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world -- if he can't keep an affair secret, you're screwed. You don't have a chance. (Jay Leno)

      David Patraeus has resigned as CIA director. Before he leaves office all his briefs will be shredded. Including the extra pair he keeps at the Holiday Inn Express. (Alan Ray)

      Now the FBI probe into the Petraeus affair has uncovered over 20,000 pages of 'potentially inappropriate' emails between Gen. John R. Allen, U.S. troop commander in Afghanistan, and Jill Kelley, the woman Petraeus' mistress allegedly threatened. Once again showing how dangerous it is to allow heterosexuals in the military. (Janice Hough)  

      The scandal involving former C. I.A. director David Petraeus took a startling twist today, as a leading right-wing conspiracy theorist claimed that Gen. Petraeus initiated his affair with author Paula Broadwell last year to avoid testifying about Benghazi this week. "Petraeus is a master of strategy, capable of playing several chess moves ahead," said Harland Dorrinson, who has a website. "Clearly, he knew it would be handy to be embroiled in an extra-marital affair if the situation in Benghazi someday went south and he was forced to testify about it. By destroying his career, reputation, and possibly his personal life General Petraeus achieved exactly what he set out to do: skip testifying about Benghazi. All I can say is, "Mission accomplished, General.' Pretty smooth." (Andy Borowitz)

      So was General Petraeus brought down in the end because his mistress thought he was cheating on her and started threatening that other 'other woman'? If so, we can start casting the made for TV movie now. (Janice Hough)  

      The CIA says it will probe the 'general conduct' of David Petraeus. Of course all evidence points to his conduct being pretty normal for any general. (Jim Barach)  

      At a Washington, D.C. gala last month, Paula Broadwell apparently bragged to other guests that she and General Petraeus were "collaborating on other projects." You can say that again. (Janice Hough)  

      Apparently the Army has suspended the security clearance of General Petraeus's former mistress Paula Broadwell. Presumably they are also locking barn doors while they try to round up the horses. (Janice Hough)  

      CIA director General David Petraeus resigned Friday after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, 'All In'. Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, 'Just The Tip'. (Seth Meyers)

      Can "Real Housewives of the Pentagon" be far behind? (Tim Hunter)

      General Petraeus agreed to face Congress to discuss the Benghazi attack and his sex scandal. He had two mistresses fighting over him and a wife with a government job. He survived Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan and now comes the big one, Thanksgiving Dinner. (Argus Hamilton)

      Afghan War commander John Allen went under probe Tuesday for carrying on with one of General David Petraeus's accused mistresses. It all involves adultery, shirtless e-mail photos and sex under the desk. Bill Clinton is kicking himself for dodging the draft. (Argus Hamilton)

      General John Allen's nomination as NATO commander was held up Tuesday. There is evidence that Allen engaged in phone sex and sex-texting with Petraeus's groupie Jill Kelley. At one point in the transcript, she gets so aroused she offered to be his biographer. (Argus Hamilton)

      Now the FBI probe into the Petraeus affair has uncovered over 20,000 pages of 'potentially inappropriate' emails between Gen. John R. Allen, U.S. troop commander in Afghanistan, and Jill Kelley, the woman Petraeus' mistress allegedly threatened. Once again showing how dangerous it is to allow heterosexuals in the military. (Janice Hough)  

      The CIA has updated its website. Agents often create aliases when working covertly. For example, David Patraeus used to sign his name at hotel registers as 'John Smith'. (Alan Ray)  

      How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me? You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing. (Conan O'Brien)

      There's a double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where's the justice? (Craig Ferguson)

      Attorney General Eric Holder was reported Tuesday to have learned of CIA Director David Petraeus' mistress in September. He kept it a secret. If he'd wanted President Obama to know about it he'd have had a Chicago Bulls sportswriter slip it into his column. (Argus Hamilton)

      In response to a high volume of panicked phone calls from the general public, the C. I.A. has published a new informational brochure entitled 'How to Tell if You're Involved in the Petraeus Scandal'. The C. I.A. rushed to produce the brochure after it became clear that as many as one in three Americans may have some involvement in the Petraeus affair. The booklet includes a 'simple, user-friendly checklist' that should help people determine whether they are at risk for being implicated in the scandal, including "Have you ever met David Petraeus? Have you ever received and/or sent shirtless photos of an F. B.I. agent? Have you ever exchanged e-mails with Jill Kelley?" Under five thousand pages of e-mails and you're probably O. K., but anywhere between ten thousand and fifteen thousand pages of e-mails could potentially mean you're involved in some way. (Andy Borowitz)

      David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there -- don't cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don't like you. (Conan O'Brien)

      This David Patraeus scandal is insane and has no signs of stopping. IN a weird twist today, a jogger recently found the driver's license of Patraeus's mistress, Paula Broadwell, in a park. He knew it was her driver's license because under sex it said, 'Lots with David Patraeus'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Some in the media are commenting how Paula Broadwell always said nice things about General Petraeus's wife, Holly and never seemed jealous, Well, duh, Paula figured she'd already "won" by him cheating on his wife, she was jealous of potential mistress 2.0. (Janice Hough)  

      People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA – and yet he's behaving like your common congressman. (Jay Leno)

      No wonder we don't know what's going on in Libya. They're all too worried about chlamydia. (Jay Leno)

      It's now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He's an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there's something there for Republicans and Democrats. (Jay Leno)

      No one knows what David Petraeus will do next. All I know is he's in for one awkward Thanksgiving. (Craig Ferguson)

      Another general has been implicated in a sex scandal. There are reports that General Tso had an affair that may have compromised the secret of his chicken recipe. (Gary Bachman) 

      MARIJUANA & SAME SEX MAEEIAGES

      This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama. Or as I call it, 'Hollywood'. (Bill Maher)

      Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington. This calls, not just for a reexamination of the drug war, but an entire rerouting of my touring schedule. (Bill Maher)

      Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can't figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn't be in the snack cake industry. I guess I'll just have to take my business to Little Debbie. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Washington and Colorado have legalized recreational marijuana.  Now when NFL teams play in Denver or Washington the players will be like, "Hey, man, why are we hitting each other like this.  Let's just order some pizza and chill out, man." (Steve Yeich)

      Now that Colorado has voted to legalize marijuana, Denver may change the name of Invesco Field back to Mile High Stadium. Not only that, the NBA Nuggets are working doubly hard on their pick-and-rolls. (Argus Hamilton)

      With Washington legalizing marijuana, the Seattle Seahawks have announced they're officially changing their name to the Seattle Seahookahs. (Tim Hunter)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Barack Obama is facing a major dilemma. Earlier this week, he looked into the faces of members of Congress and said, "I'm not sure any of these turkeys deserve to be pardoned this Thanksgiving." (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      ADMINISTRATION

      This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It's now the Compromising Situation Room. They've changed it. (Jay Leno)

      There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death. (Jay Leno)

      Joe Biden says he's going to take a vacation after campaigning hard for a year and a half.  Campaigning and vacation. When do they do any actual governing? (Steve Yeich) 

      Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, is expected to step down and move into the private sector.  With so many business doing badly he should fit in perfectly. (Steve Yeich)
      The Postal Service lost $15.9 Billion in 2011. Apparently 'Forever' stamps are just telling us how long it will take for them to get out of debt. (Jim Barach)  

      THE CONGRESS

      Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there. (Conan O'Brien)

      House Speaker, John Boehner, was not happy about the election results; he cried so much there were orange tanning spray stains on his shirt. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Nancy Pelosi says she will stay on as House Minority Leader because much work remains to be done. And if anyone knows about getting work done, it’s Rep. Pelosi. (Janice Hough)    

      The Postal Service says it will run out of cash by October, 2013 without some action by Congress. To which Congress says "Don't look at us, we ran out of cash in 2001." (Jim Barach)  

      Ron Paul gave a farewell speech to Congress where he said the Internet is the alternative to the 'government media complex' that controls the news. Although people are wondering how the answer to government controlled news is to look at porn? (Jim Barach)  

      During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he's actually one of the guys who signed it. (Jimmy Fallon)

      U.S. Tennessee Rep. Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee, already under fire for allegedly pressuring his mistress to have an abortion, testified during divorce proceedings that he and his former wife made a  "mutual" decision for her to have two abortions. This is a man who on his website said: "All life should be cherished and protected. We are pro-life." Except of course, when it isn't convenient for us. (Janice Hough)  

      As an example of government waste, they gave $97,000 for floating outhouses for Oregon fisherman.  Don't fisherman usually consider the lake their own personal outhouses, for free? (Steve Yeich)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      "I am pro-life, but because life is complicated, that choice is between a woman and her idea of a higher power. I believe if Roe vs. Wade were repealed, abortion would still go on. I care more about my economy, national security, and fiscal conservatism than I do about what women do with their bodies. It’s not my place, and I don’t believe it’s the government’s place, to make such decisions." Maybe the GOP nominated the wrong McCain in 2008. This quote is from Meghan. (Janice Hough)

      "Men are Cattle.  Women are Chattel.  Any questions?" - Republican Party (Rich Orwell)

      THE MILITARY

      Navy officials said Thursday that seven members of SEAL Team 6, the elite unit that killed Osama Bin Laden, were given career-ending reprimands after they disclosed operational secrets to the makers of the videogame 'Medal of Honor'. Now everyone knows Bin Laden was killed by A, B, A, B, up, down, right trigger, left trigger. (Seth Meyers)

      The Pentagon spend $1.5 Million last year trying to develop a new roll up beef jerky. Or they could have gone down to any 7-11 and spent 99 cents on a Slim Jim. (Jim Barach)  

      THE STATES

      There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas. (Conan O'Brien)

      Montana says it will not pay a legislator in silver and gold as he requested. However, they did make a deal to compensate him in tokens from Chuck E. Cheese. (Jim Barach)  

      LOCAL NEWS

      An Alabama county executive was re-elected even though he was dead. Wasn't even newly dead. Died three weeks earlier. Voters had plenty of time to weigh the options. (Will Durst)  

      Ohio Judge Pinkey Carr ordered a woman to wear a sign stating that she was a dummy for driving on a sidewalk to pass a school bus. I wonder if the offender also had to wear makeup from Mary Kay. (TC Chong).

      A Northern Arizona gun shop owner has the following sign in his window: "If you voted for Barack Obama your business is not welcome. You have proven you are not responsible enough to own a firearm." Wait a minute. Isn't that gun control? (Janice Hough)  

      The L.A. City Council voted to promote Meatless Mondays as a way to improve people's heart conditions. They're trying to nudge L.A. residents into a healthier lifestyle. They'd like to eventually get to Cokeless Fridays but they know they have to start with baby steps. (Argus Hamilton)

      A suspicious husband used the GPS capability on his wife’s cellphone to find the 38-year-old teacher having sex with a 16-year-old boy. Amie Neely now faces a felony sexual assault charge after being arrested by Port St. Lucie, Fla. police early Sunday morning. (WPBS-TV)

      Two parents in Massachusetts promised their kids that if a picture of them with a sign begging for a cat got 1,000 FB "likes" they could have a kitten. The children got over 100,000 likes, and the cat. Let's hope this doesn't give guys ideas about posting a sign wanting to get rid of their wife or girlfriend's pet. (Janice Hough)  

      THE ECONOMY

      The economy is so bad that on the way to work, I saw Phil Jackson holding a sign that said, "Will coach for food." (Jay Leno)

      The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend it. (Jay Leno)

      The Arch Duke Joseph Diamond just sold for a world record $21 million. Shocking. A story involving a diamond and record millions that doesn't involve the Yankees? (RJ Currie) 

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      McDonald's announced a sales drop in October Thursday, marking the first monthly sales loss in ten years for the hamburger chain. The reason for the drop in sales is obvious. When the White House forced McDonald's to replace French fries with apple slices in Happy Meals, it was the biggest misjudgment since they guarantted the loans to Solyndra. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former Kansas City hurler Mark Lytell invented what he claims is a safer, more comfortable athletic cup that sells for $19.95 and is named the 'Nutty Buddy'. A top-of-the-line model in solid platinum is available at Tiffany's in their Family Jewels section. (Bob Mills)

      Crackerjack is putting out a new product called Cracker Jack'd which contains caffeine. Because what more would a parent want than to see their child on a sugar induced high now also fueled up for the entire night with a dose of caffeine? (Jim Barach)  

      A labor fight with Hostess could kill off the Twinkie and Wonder Bread. And people say that unions have outlived their usefulness. (Jim Barach)  

      For the holidays, the makers of Pringles are coming out with a white chocolate and peppermint flavored potato chip. In a related story, Pfizer is coming out with cinnamon flavored insulin, so it's still going to balance itself out. (Conan O'Brien)

      Hostess, the company that makes Twinkies, is in big financial trouble right now. Hostess filed for bankruptcy back in January. I don't understand how this is possible. This country has never been fatter. How are the people who make Zingers and Snowballs losing money? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Hostess Brands is now saying they will liquidate the company if striking workers don't come back to work. Fortunately the Twinkies and Ding Dongs already made have enough preservatives to outlast most of our lifetimes. (Janice Hough)  

      The makers of Twinkies say that the Hostess Bakeries might be shutting down forever.  What kind of Ding Dongs are running that company? (Tim Hunter)

      Most analysts think that despite the Hostess liquidation, the Twinkies brand will eventually live on with another company. And hey, given the shelf life of the current product, Twinkies fans who stock up have another decade or two to find out. (Janice Hough)  

       Some folks think Obamacare suddenly has made companies play games with their employees' hours to save money. Hah. I worked at Farrell's, which was owned by Marriott, back in the late 70s. The rule was, no overtime. But if you happened to be at 40 hrs in a week during a busy time as a waitress where you could make decent tips, and they were short handed, you could, unofficially of course, work off the clock. (Janice Hough)  

      Samsung’s Galaxy S III is now the world’s top selling smartphone. It has easily drawn all the attention away from its chief rival. Paying attention to your driving. (Alan Ray)

      Riverview Monuments in Wausau, WIS offers $2000 digital headstones that show a continuous DVD of scenes of the departed loved one's life. For a slight additional charge, the undertaker will provide a professional writer to punch up the script. (Bob Mills)

      AMF, the world's largest operator of bowling alleys, has filed for bankruptcy for the second time in 12 years. One more and they'll get an extra frame. (Tim Hunter)

      BP agreed to a $4.5 BILLION settlement for the Gulf oil spill. Wonder how much extra that will add to the price for a gallon of gas? (Janice Hough)  

      Bossa Nova Robotics introduced a robot named Balbot Tuesday which is able to take commands and act as a personal maid for five thousand dollars. It gets worse. The robots want a path to citizenship and the ones that run on Apple software are already Democrats. (Argus Hamilton)  

      An operator of 40 Denny's restaurants says he will add a surcharge to customer checks for Obamacare. I frankly don't care. I always pay a heavy price when I eat at Denny's. (Gary Bachman) 

      The owners of Denny's say they must raise prices to pay for employee health care. And I say, if employees need health care, Stop eating at Denny's!  (Bill Williams)

      The Waffle House CEO has been accused of demanding sex from an employee in order for her to keep her job. How bad is the economy that people can be harassed into staying on at a job at the Waffle House? (Jim Barach)  

      Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it 'a priceless stone' while David Petraeus' wife called it 'a start'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Ford Motor Company offers an option called 'My key' which is programmed to limit both the speed of the car and the radio's volume when the car is driven by a teenager. It also alerts the parents whenever the car gets within fifty yards of a tattoo parlor. (Bob Mills)

      The TSA has removed their nude body scanners from most airports. They finally learned what we all know … Most people look WAY better with their clothes on. (Bill Williams)

      Airports in Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Newark and San Francisco offer flu shots to arriving and departing passengers. And those whose security x-rays show a sprain or inflammation may qualify for a Cortisone shot. (Bob Mills)

      Ti

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