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284Weakly Humerus News 10-28-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Oct 28, 2012

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-28-12


      Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Tebow is like Romney – almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama’s like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now. (Jay Leno)

      Political experts have done a fact-check on everything said in this presidential campaign and if the lies on both sides are taken away, the past two years never really happened. (Tim Hunter)

      Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states. (Jay Leno)

      The Mormons had good news today. Billy Graham, who is 112, has taken Mormonism off his website's list of cults. This is typical of Christian right's stance on Mitt Romney. They still believe he will go to Hell for all eternity but in this life, they'd like a tax cut. (Bill Maher)  

      Asked what Donald Trump has against him: "This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya." (Barach Oboma)

      Castro will die at some point. He can't live forever. He's not Larry King.  (Craig Ferguson) 

      Banana Boat sunscreen has been recalled because several users have had their skin catch on fire. Be careful not to show it to a cop, cause you may be arrested for "waving a fire arm at a police officer."  (TC Chong)

      Mark Sanchez and Eva Longoria have reportedly broken up. Apparently, he couldn't complete a pass. (Cam Hutchenson)

      Rumor has it Arnold Schwarzenegger's estranged wife, Maria Schriver, is attending the L.A. Clippers Halloween home-opener dressed as Mozart. When Arnold heard about it, he said, "I'll be Bach." (RJ Currie)

      Attacking Obama over Libya but forgetting that your party  & VP pick voted to cut $400M from embassy safety? That's Romnesia! (Paul Benoit)

      Boeing successfully tested a microwave missile that knocks out electrical devices without killing anyone. Apparently they know that by taking out computers, cellphones and video games they can win a war by boring people to death. (Jim Barach)


      Tonight was the third and final presidential debate. The good news? Tonight was the third and final presidential debate. (Jay Leno)

      Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Presidential Debate Commission scheduled Monday's debate up against Monday Night Football and the NL playoffs game seven, which pretty much left the debate with a television audience consisting of women interested in foreign policy. It didn't change any minds. Condi Rice was watching football, and that just left Madeleine Albright. (Argus Hamilton)

      Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will hold a foreign policy debate in Florida Monday on TV. It's nearly over. After two years of uninterrupted campaigning by both parties, anyone who still claims they're undecided is just lonely and trying to make the phone ring. (Argus Hamilton)

      Tough choice tonight---Presidential Debate or Monday Night Football? I'm either going to sit around and watch a bunch of fumbles, fakes and incompletes or I'll turn on the football game. (Tim Hunter)   

      Tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former Governor Mitt Romney and future former President Barack Obama. Now I'm TiVoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama's ass. (Stephen Colbert)

      Monday's presidential debate, the third and last between President Obama and Gov. Mitt Romney, featured a forceful and articulate defense of Obama's foreign policy. That was no surprise. What was surprising was that it came from Romney.  (Los Angeles Times)

      After the debate last night, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances. (David Letterman)

      Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as "Walmart moms." And Mitt Romney won the debate, according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart. (Conan O'Brien)

      Romney pledged to work with General Pershing to bring our doughboys home from France. President Obama explained that we now have things called aircraft carriers that airplanes can land on and also big bombs that go kaboom.  (Mark Russell)


      Last night President Obama finally found a Republican who agreed with him -- Mitt Romney. (Jay Leno)

      During last night's debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, "The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back." Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off. (Conan O'Brien)


      Mitt's entire debate strategy: What he just said, but from a white guy. (Bill Maher)

      I am glad to know that Mitt agrees with Obama so much. No, really. Why vote? (Glenn Beck)

      I highly approve of Romney's decision to be kind and gentle to the retard. (Ann Coulter)

      Mitt Romney says we should elect him president because he's a businessman. I'm skeptical. What if he burns down the country for the insurance money?" (Frank King)

      Obama raised his game, so Romney thought he had to bump up his game even more, so he kind of looked like a prick. At one point he said to the President of the United States, 'Hang on, you'll get your chance.' You should not be surprised, the Mormon church has been saying this to black people for decades. (Bill Maher)  

      He never answered the question about equal pay for women. An anecdote is not a policy. When asked about equal pay, he said he supports women in the workforce. This is like being asked about ending slavery, and saying, 'I'm wearing cotton right now.'" (Bill Maher)  


      I count myself among the undecideds. During Monday's presidential debate, I couldn't decide whether to watch the baseball game or the football game. (Jay Leno)  

      In desperation the Republican Party convinced evangelicals that Mitt is a Christian and they should vote for him. I asked myself who in their right mind could buy that story, then realized that my question held the answer.  (Jerry W.) 

      A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That's right, Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number. (Seth Meyers)

      A new poll found that 59 percent of Americans would rather eat a burger with President Obama while only 41 percent would eat one with Mitt Romney. While most Americans don't care who they're with, as long as they get that burger. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A poll says that most Americans want less foreign involvement. If they really wanted to see less foreign involvement in this country, they would stop shopping at Wal-Mart. (Jim Barach)


      GOP strategist Marc Rotterman complained that the "presidential election unofficially started back in the fall of 2011, a schedule that is absurd." Is he crazy? The election didn't start in the fall of 2011. It started the day after Obama was elected. (Janice Hough)

      Obama and Romney aren't the only people running for president. A number of other candidates faced off in a debate tonight in Chicago moderated by Larry King, who was the only person anyone knew on the stage. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Oboma says we have less bayonets now than we had in 1916, So Republican pundits state this proves Oboma doesn't know Marines still use bayonets, Really, what it proves is these Republicans don't realize that the Army infantry and cavalry used bayonets in World War I. (Stan Kegel)  

      Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states, Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or as the candidates are now calling them Colorado, Florida y Nevada. (Seth Meyers)

      You might have Romnesia if you run an ad about Obama's "failure" to work with Congress while forgetting Republicans vowed to never work with him on day 1. (Paul Benoit)

      Democratic self-loathing has gotten so bad, they’ve changed their symbol to Eeyore eating a whole cheesecake. (Stephen Colbert)  

      Oh please, Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same set of rules -- and at the end of the game the rich flip over the board and yell, "I win!" (Stephen Colbert)


      The Detroit Tigers swept the New York Yankees to win the American League Pennant.  It' turns out the Yankee's line-up was just too old to be playing that late at night. (Steve Yeich) 

      The bats of the New York Yankee hitters went totally silent during the playoffs. The only person in New York City who can hit anything with consistency is Lindsay Lohan while driving.  (Frank King)

      The Yankees had trouble in the play-offs. Here's the problem. Derek Jeter broke his ankle and could not play. The other part of the problem is Alex Rodriguez didn't break his ankle and COULD play. (David Letterman)

      Not saying the Cardinals looked flat last night against the Giants, but for a minute there I thought I was watching Obama at the first debate. (Marc Ragovin

      Tonight was Game 1 of the World Series at San Francisco's AT&T Park. You could tell it was AT&T Park, because whenever the umps made a call, it got dropped. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Gaylord Perry threw out a ceremonial first pitch on Wed. The home plate umpire noticed there was so much moisture on the ball, he almost called a rain delay. (TC Chong)

      How about the Giants' Pablo Sandoval? In the game last night, he had three home runs and a single. And today Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees said, "You can do that?" (David Letterman)

      Sandoval hit three homers in the first game against the Tigers in the World Series, and today, first thing, Donald Trump demanded to see his birth certificate. (David Letterman)

      In game 1, the third base bag received votes for being a star. Tonight (game 2) it was the third base line. (TC Chong)


      CNN reports a study that found women at the time they are ovulating are more likely to vote for the liberal candidate because they feel sexier. They failed to report that the study also found woman when menstruating are most likely to vote for the conservative candidate -- unless they had been recently raped. (Stan Kegel)  

      Indiana GOP U.S. Senate candidate Richard Mourdock declared Tuesday night he opposes aborting pregnancies conceived in rape because "it is something that God intended to happen." If this is true, we will no longer be able to convict rapists as God intended that he impregnated the girl and convicting him of a crime would deprive him of his right to practice his religion. (Stan Kegel)  

      The Mourdock Defense: "God intended my client to rape that woman. It is unreasonable to expect him to do otherwise. We ask that the charges be dismissed." (Paul Benoit)

      Today Joe Walsh, the douchebag congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that's just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there's dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you. (Bill Maher)   

      In Indiana, Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock weighed in on the approaching storm: "It says a lot about God that while he's so busy impregnating women he still somehow finds the time to make a hurricane." (Andy Borowitz)

      A report says that one year out of college, women are already paid less than men. Which means that most women are actually having to pay money to be out of work. (Jim Barach)

      Responding to inflammatory remarks made by Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock during a Tuesday night debate, Our Lord God The Almighty Father today sought to distance Himself both from Mourdock and from the entire right-wing, fundamentalist Christian movement. "I want to make one thing absolutely clear: Mr. Mourdock's comments from last night in no way reflect my position on this or any other issue," said the Divine Creator, speaking at a press conference this afternoon in response to Mourdock's remarks that rape-induced pregnancies were God's intent. "And, furthermore, I would like to take this opportunity to say definitively that I, God, do not officially sanction or condone the words or actions of anyone involved in the fanatical, conservative Christian faction that Mr. Mourdock represents. Many people hear my name in connection with the Christian Right and start to assume we are somehow aligned in some capacity, and I'm here to say, for the record, that we are not. So let me just be clear. I don't want women to get raped; not ever. I don't think their resulting pregnancies are my divine will. And if a woman is raped, then she has the right to get an abortion, period. I do not agree with Mourdock. I do not agree with the Christian Right. End of story." (The Onion)


      Mitt’s confused, can’t recall his position
      On the issues, a dreadful condition.
      Either lying’s his game,
      Or Romnesia’s to blame,
      The result of unbridled ambition.
      (Madeleine Begun Kane)

      I think Romney's leaning Obama. Apparently, Romney is one of this year's coveted swing voters." (Jon Stewart)

      Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      What kind of case has Mr. Romney made for himself? The sad answer is there is no way to know what Mr. Romney really believes. His unguarded expression of contempt for 47 percent of the population seems as sincere as anything else we've heard, but that's only conjecture. (Washington Post)

      A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: "The Mittuation." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They're very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote. (Jay Leno)


      Even though he's spending all day on Air Force One, there's an office on the plane where the president can work. It's just like being in Washington. He's got the desk, he's got the computer, and he even has a closet that has a group of Republicans who pop out and block anything he tries to do. (Jay Leno)

      Jay Leno asked Oboma about Romnesia. "If you come down with a case of Romnesia, here's the good news. Obamacare covers pre-existing conditions. We can fix you up." (Barach Oboma)

      Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person.  (Craig Ferguson) 

      Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo this week endorsed President Obama during an appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. I knew Obama was pro-birth control, but I didn't know birth control was pro-Obama. (Seth Meyer)

      Michelle Obama is with us tonight. She'll encourage us to vote early. Most Republicans are opposed, because they believe that voting starts at conception. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I'm excited to get a chance to interview the first lady and excited about partying with her Secret Service agents after the show. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A lot of crazy rumors are starting to surface about the two candidates. A man is claiming that President Obama used and sold cocaine in college. On the bright side, if this is true, it means Obama does have business experience. (Conan O'Brien)

      Donald Trump says he will reveal big news about President Obama on Wednesday. Trump said he would have announced it sooner, but faking a Kenyan birth certificate is harder than it looks. (Conan O'Brien)

      Donald Trump said he has a "very big" announcement about President Obama that could cost him the election. Yeah, he's going to endorse him. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass. (Conan O'Brien)

      Here we go again. Donald Trump has offered to donate $5 million to charity if President Obama releases his college records and applications and passport records and applications. Really? How about all that money Larry Flynt has offered for Mitt’s tax returns?" (Janice Hough)    

      BIDEN & RYAN

      Rick Santorum in his book 'American Patriots' writes, " Don’t get me wrong—happiness is a wonderful emotion and a state to be desired. But is that what our founders really intended to be the pursuit of our country and its people—to be happy?" Yup, happiness is one of the things that "our founders really intended to be the pursuit of our country and its people". You might remember, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." (Paul Benoit)  

      Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We're still not sure whether he's for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty. (David Letterman)


      The new Republican talking point, "Under Obamacare, to qualify for benefits you will be forced to smoke medical marijuana until you are gay." (Glenn Hessel)


      Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr., is under a criminal investigation claiming he used campaign funds to spruce up his house. Apparently when he mentioned the “Rainbow Coalition,” he was bragging about the color of his bathroom. (Bill Williams)


      The New York State Supreme Court has ruled 4-3 that lap dancing is not art and is not subject to an artistic tax break. The worst part was after all the evidence was given, the judges had to all file their briefs. (Jim Barach)


      Indicative of the Army's new fem-friendly attitude, Kevlar body armor designed for combat wear is now available for women.  The vests come in three sizes "Petite," "Regular," and "Full-Figured Warrior." (Bob Mills)


      Cook County Supervisors proposed a tax on every bullet sold in Chicago Thursday to help raise tax revenue to pay for cash-strapped government services. It's only going to make the city less safe. At an extra dollar a bullet, warning shots will be a thing of the past. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Brooklyn man has been charged with running brothels in New York's Financial District and midtown, catering to men on Wall Street, and charging $260 an hour. Guess $260 an hour was a cheaper option in NY than drinks and dinner? (Janice Hough)

      A flyer for a local California election offered free medical grade marijuana to anyone showing up to vote. The only problem is that anyone who regularly smokes pot isn’t going to get there until three days after the polls close. (Jim Barach)

      South Carolina lottery officials said a woman with apparent faith in the U. S. Postal Service sent her $100,000 winning ticket to them in the mail. The woman said she decided to take "a chance" on the Postal Service rather than brave the 150-mile drive to Columbia. (Rich Hancock)

      GREENBRAE, Calif. – A homeowner who police say survived being shot in the jaw during a burglary has received startling news. The burglary suspect sued him for returning fire.  Samuel Cutrufelli filed the suit claiming 90-year-old Jay Leone negligently shot him. Cutrufelli is charged with two counts of attempted murder after Leone was shot in the face on Jan. 3. Police say Cutrufelli was wounded when Leone returned fire. Leone has vowed to countersue, saying Cutrufelli was the one who busted in his door and shot him before tying his hands with a belt and going through his valuables. Leoni says he was able to get free and grab a handgun stashed in his bathroom. (Marin Independent Journal)

      A rhesus macaque, the so-called mystery monkey of Tampa Bay, has bit another person. I hate those rhesus to pieces. (RJ Currie)


      Bill Clinton said last week that he knows the economy is not all hunky dory, but he thinks we are moving in the right direction.  Unfortunately, to Bill, "going down" is considered the right direction. (Steve Yeich)

      "I hate to say this on Fox -- I hope I’ll be allowed to leave here alive -- but I don’t think there is any way we can cut spending enough to make a meaningful difference. We’re going to have to raise taxes on very, very rich people. People with incomes of, say, $2, $3, $4 million a year and up. And then slowly, slowly, slowly move it down. With all due respect to Fox, who I love like brothers and sisters, taxes are too low. (Ben Stein, Conservative Economist)

      An analysis says that government workers make 34% less than their counterparts in the private sector. Which is pretty good since they work 50% fewer days and are 75% less productive. (Jim Barach)

      Home sales are up. That's certainly good news. Do you know the most expensive home for sale in the country right now? The White House. (Jay Leno)


      I feel like at this point Apple is releasing products just to see if there's anything we won't buy. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      After 30 years of faithful service, Wendy's little girl trademark is being modernized to, according to the ad agency,"make her more contemporary."  She still has the freckles and straight-out pig-tails but now she's shown texting while driving. (Bob Mills)


      According to a panel of leading nutritionists, the average driver could save $396 per year on fuel costs by shedding 100 pounds.  How did they determine this?  Well, they tested Mafia drivers with and without a female body in the trunk. (Bob Mills)

      NASA & SPACE

      Residents cheered the Space Shuttle Endeavour as police cruisers escorted it on a slow parade through Los Angeles. Everybody assumed that O. J. Simpson had escaped from Las Vegas. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Griffith Observatory was packed to see the meteor showers Friday as the Earth passed through Halley's Comet's tail. What a beautiful sight. The outdoor balcony was packed with young people all looking down at their meteor shower app on their iPhones. (Argus Hamilton)

      Scientists have discovered a planet that could be mostly made of diamonds. Something for Kobe Bryant to keep in mind, for the next apology gift. (Tim Hunter)

      Astronomers say they've discovered a planet twice as big as Earth in the constellation of Cancer — comprised largely of diamond — that's called "55 Cancri e." Except in NBA circles, where it's known as Kobe Bryant's next makeup gift. (Dwight Perry)


      European vintners predicted the worst wine harvest in fifty years this month due to cold weather in France and Italy. Distributors warned of a wine shortage. The reason that Germany has the money to bail everybody out is that their economy is based on beer. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to four years in jail for tax evasion. What, they don't know about offshore bank accounts in Italy? (Janice Hough)

       Two cathouses in Larissa, Greece, are sponsoring a popular amateur soccer team.  While their opponents are none too happy, the guys are ecstatic.  When Gatorade sponsored them they got free Gatorade, when sponsored by Staples they got free office supplies, when... (Bob Mills)

      A pair of green and pink silk slippers once owned by French Queen Marie Antoinette sold at auction in Paris for $65,000.  And they're definitely the Queen's.  DNA analysis revealed minute traces of the cake she once let her starving subjects eat. (Bob Mills)


      A hidden trail camera near Phoenix, AZ caught a shot of a rare species of jaguar which according to the Arizona Game and Fish Department is the only western hemisphere cat able to roar like a lion.  Unless, of course, you count Joy Behar on "The View." (Bob Mills)


      A report says the number of Americans falling ill or dying from contaminated food is up 44% over the past two years. Mostly because people have been eating 44% more food over the past two years. (Jim Barach)



      British researchers say global warming ended in 1997. Could be. That was the year after Monica Lewinsky stopped warming Bill Clinton’s globals. (Terry Etter)  

      Residents of South New Jersey apparently felt the ground shaking Saturday morning, but no earthquakes or military training exercises were reported in the region. Maybe Chris Christie has taken up jogging? (Janice Hough)



      The New York Yankees once reportedly had their eye on the SF Giants' Tim Lincecum as a starter. After Wednesday night they may want to sign him to replace Mariano Rivera. (Janice Hough)

      The N.Y. Yankees considered paying off the one hundred fifty million bucks they owe Alex Rodriguez. How he loves to think of the good old days. There was a time when the Yankees had two coolers in the dugout--one labeled Gatorade and one labeled Testosterone . (Argus Hamilton)

      New York Yankees GM manager Brian Cashman thinking about trading Alex Rodriguez is unrealistic. Translation, we don't think even the Los Angeles Dodgers are crazy enough to take him. (Janice Hough)

      Giants manager Bruce Bochy, born in France, boasts the record for most wins by a manager born outside the United States, and it's already a win-win for Bochy. Donald Trump reportedly offered him $5 million just to see the birth certificate. (Dwight Perry)

      I get a kick out of it when I go home at the end of a baseball season (and) somebody says, "Boy, you look bad." I always tell them, 'Well, show me a manager that looks like Paul Newman after 162 games, I'll show you a guy that didn't do a very good job." (Jim Leyland)

      Bud Selig's has requested cutting alcohol consumption in baseball clubhouses. Most teams have more players in AA than Triple-A. (Bob Mills)   

      The Miami Marlins have fired manager Ozzie Guillen. Congrats to all those who had Oct. 23 in the pool. (Janice Hough)  

      Former Red Sox pitching coach John Farrell is returning to the team as their new manager. To accomplish this, Boston had to trade infielder Mike Aviles to the Blue Jays, and presumably promise Farrell they were never bringing back Josh Beckett. (Janice Hough)


      The NFL is investigating whether San Diego receivers used an illegal sticky substance on their hands against the Broncos, but proving it might be difficult. Heck, the Chargers couldn't even hang on to a 24-0 halftime lead. (Dwight Perry)

      The San Diego Chargers came under NFL probe Monday for providing wide receivers with a banned sticky substance to help them hold onto passes. They can't deny it. Two of the receivers high-fived each other during practice and got stuck and had to join the circus. (Argus Hamilton)

      The most unpopular jersey in the New England area belongs to Ochocinco. I noticed his Patriots jerseys were in a Reduced to Clear rack for $20. So I picked one up, the clerk came over and thanked me, then he handed me 20 bucks. (TC Chong)


      In an effort to reduce accidents, the American Academy of Pediatrics advises school officials to consider cheer leading a sport.  In addition, they recommend that sale of batons be subject to the same federal restrictions as firearms. (Bob Mills)

      A referee penalized a Dallas-area middle school football team because its band was playing too loudly. So, now the sport has a concussion problem and a percussion problem? (Ian Hamilton)


      A Sports Illustrated players poll had Tim Tebow as the most overrated player, with Mark Sanchez second. Once again, many think Tebow has unfairly stolen Sanchez's spotlight. (Janice Hough)

      Tim Tebow was granted a trademark by the U.S. Patent Office for Tebowing, which is dropping to one knee in prayer. It's a groundbreaking ruling. Until now, you were not allowed to make money off an act of prayer unless you had your own televangelist channel. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jets QB Mark Sanchez and actress Eva Longoria have split up. Or as his receivers prefer to call it, getting some separation. (Dwight Perry)

      What do Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander and Lou Gehrig have in common? Remember Gehrig's famous address to Yankees fans? "… Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth.'' Verlander can relate. He's dating Kate Upton. (Cam Hutchenson)

      Justin Verlander, the Tigers' ace pitcher, has a glaring weakness after all. He's 0 for 33 lifetime as a big-league hitter. Which is kind of like complaining that Brooklyn Decker doesn't like to cook. (Dwight Perry)

      Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his seven Tour de France titles. Turns out the champion cyclist was a drugged pedaller. (RJ Currie)

      Lance Armstrong was stripped of all seven of his Tour de France titles. Everyone here should be proud. Congratulations. You've all won the exact same number of Tour de France championships as Lance Armstrong.  (Craig Ferguson) 

      The growing list of sponsors who have dropped Lance Armstrong now includes Nike, Oakley, Trek Bicycles, Anheuser-Busch, FRS sports drinks and Honey Stinger. Think of it as jumping off the brand-wagon. (RJ Currie)

      What, stripping him of seven Tour de France titles wasn't punishment enough? Now comes word that the New York City Marathon -- which also falls under the auspices of the USADA -- will likely erase Lance Armstrong's name from the results of its 2006 race, too. He finished 868th. (Dwight Perry)

      Lance Armstrong faces up to $200 Million in potential revenue losses from the hit to his reputation over doping and losing his Tour de France victories. Ironically, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, who lost their reputations years ago are making more money than ever. (Jim Barach)

      Armstrong said he doesn't have the energy to fight this decision. But his lawyers said that will probably change once he takes some more steroids.  (Craig Ferguson)


      This Christmas marks the 85th anniversary of the Radio City Rockettes.  Of course, their repertoire has changed some over the years with numbers like "Deck the Halls With Boughs of Catheters," "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Osteoporosis," and "Shuffling in a Winter Wonderland." (Bob Mills)


      On Sunday, a documentary about Lance Armstrong's doping scandal will air exclusively on CNN. Armstrong was like, "Phew -- thank God no one's going to see it." (Jimmy Fallon)


      Pippa Middleton says she is embarrassed by all the attention paid to her rear end. The same cannot be said of Calgary Stampeders' John Cornish. (RJ Currie)


      University of North Carolina football player, Erik Highsmith, has been caught plagiarizing. According to a newspaper report, the material he used was from a piece on chickens written on an education Website -- by four 11-year-olds. (Cam Hutchenson)


      The Vatican has named its first-ever Native American saint. Her miracle was opening a casino without mob involvement. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Catholic Church in England has asked the Vatican to consider posthumously stripping televison star Sir Jimmy Savile of his Papal knighthood now that child abuse charges have come to light. Would they prefer that the Vatican posthumously declare Savile a priest? (Janice Hough)


      So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what's scarier than four more years of this economy? (Jay Leno)  


      London's Star Trek convention drew a Guinness Book record of four thousand Star Trek fans in Starship Enterprise uniforms in one

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