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282Weakly Humerus News 10-21-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Oct 21, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-21-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It's an even tie between NOT Barack Obama and NOT Mitt Romney. (Conan O'Brien)

      The two candidates are absolutely tied in a dead heat. Romney won't tell us what he will do in his first term and Obama won't tell us what he will do in his second. Perfect match! I don't know who I'm worried about the most -- the undecided voter or the undecided candidates. They seem made for each other.  (Mark Russell)

      Tuesday's debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place. (Jimmy Kimmel)  

      David Axelrod suggested today that in the next debate President Obama would be "more aggressive." Uh, while I didn't think Barack did THAT badly, would it be possible to be less aggressive without being clinically dead? (Janice Hough)  

      Mitt Romney in last night’s debate said he had 'binders full of women'. And here I thought Romney rejected all of Bill Clinton’s ideas. (Gary Bachman)

      Binders full of women cost 77 cents, while binders full of men cost $1. (Paul Benoit)

      Jerry Sandusky has begun his prison sentence. He’s discovering jail is pleasantly different from football. There are no tight ends in prison.   (Bill Williams)  

      Alex Rodriguez was benched for Game 3 of the series between the Yankees and Tigers and was seen flirting with women in the crowd from the bench. Coaches weren't worried. They know A-Rod always has trouble scoring in the playoffs.  (Jim Barach)

       Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald instituted a mandatory nap for the Wildcats prior to games. Not to be outdone, Norv Turner's Chargers take naps during games. (RJ Currie) 

      Forbes magazine came out with its annual list of America's most dangerous cities, and Detroit is No. 1 again. "No kidding," moaned 25 Yankees in unison.  (Dwight Perry)

      Ohio State reserve quarterback, Cardale Jones tweeted: "Why should we have to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL? We ain't come to play SCHOOL, classes are POINTLESS." If you're unfamiliar with Jones, he's a three-time winner of 'The Most Intellectual Athlete on Twitter' award." (Brad Dickson) 

      THE SECOND DEBATE

      Everyone on TV has said everything there is to say about the last presidential debate, so there's no political commentary here. Tuning into this show for political commentary is like watching Bravo to learn about sports. Or like going to Larry King for marital advice. (Craig Ferguson)

      Whatever you think about tonight's Presidential debate, there's probably bi-partisan agreement that both candidates did much better than the New York Yankees. (Janice Hough)  

      The format of the debate was a town hall meeting. Before last night, I didn't know town hall meetings were a real thing. I thought they made them up for movies like "Footloose." and "Hoosers." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Tonight is the second of three big debates between President Obama and Mitt Romney from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York, moderated by Candy Crowley. Why should it be on all channels? The Super Bowl is on one channel and we find it. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      At the presidential debate last night, 82 uncommitted voters were assembled to ask the candidates questions. The scary part is that they found 82 people who still can’t make up their minds about this election.  (Jim Barach)  

      The questions last night came from undecided voters, and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Admittedly, I'm biased, but think Obama supporters were both thrilled to see the real Barack show up tonight, and to see the real Mitt show up tonight. (Janice Hough)  

      Everybody is talking about the presidential debate. The second debate was on earlier tonight. I liked the part when Mitt Romney said "Boooo, China." And Obama was like, "Yay, old people." (Craig Ferguson)

      Yesterday Mitt Romney's son Tagg said that during the debate he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar. He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg. (Craig Ferguson)

      Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet. (Craig Ferguson)

      OBAMA

      President Obama is reported to be working on being more aggressive in tonight's presidential debate. For one thing, he will try to stay awake through the entire event.  (Jim Barach)  

      The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as "Money Bag." (Conan O'Brien)

      A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama's strategy of staying awake through this one paid off. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from "Fifty Shades of Grey." (Conan O'Brien)

      ROMNEY

      Romney goes through his life wearing blinders
      And surrounded by yes-men and minders.
      I suppose this explains
      Why Romney¹s campaign's
      So proud of his women-filled binders.
      (Madeleine Begun Kane)

      Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney set a new personal record tonight by pretending to care about average Americans for nearly ninety minutes. (Andy Borowitz)

      On the subject of equal pay for women, he said that when he was filing cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had 'binders full of women, which is a little creepy. Binders full of women is something they'd find in a serial killer's basement at the end of Law & Order SVU. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them. (Jimmy Kimmel)

       So Mitt Romney has had "binders full of women." Is that a Mormon thing? (Janice Hough)  

      Maybe for Mitt Romney that's the closets he's ever gotten to looking at a dirty magazine. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      CANDY CROWLY

      One of the rules was that the moderator will not ask follow-up questions or comment on either the questions asked by the audience or the answers by the candidates. So basically one of tonight's debate rules was that no one was allowed to debate. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Presidential debate moderator Candy Crowley said she was going to have an active role in the debate and was not going to be a debate spectator. To which President Obama said, "You know, I might try that myself."  (Jim Barach)

      Candy Crowley fact-checked Mitt Romney during the presidential debate. The time for fact checking is after the event when voters have stopped watching. We should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy. (Stephen Colbert)  

      The GOP blames Candy Crowley for making poor Mitt look bad. The rich and the righteous are never comfortable when the “help” talks out of turn.  (Will Durst)   

      WOMEN ISSUES

      Another graduate of the Todd Akin school of science: Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh told reporters it's "absolutely" never necessary for an abortion to save the life of a mother. “With modern technology and science, you can't find one instance. There is no such exception as life of the mother, and as far as health of the mother, same thing.” (Janice Hough)  

      Last night, Mitt Romney said when he was looking to hire females, he would browse through 'binders full of women'. Romney said he got the idea from Tom Cruise. (Conan O'Brien)

      Not sure who's binder of women would be better — Mitt Romney's, Rodriguez's or Bill Clinton's. (Cam Hutchenson)  

      Couple of things: One, the women's group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever." (Jon Stewart)

      The abortion issue is very personal to Mitt Romney. His own mother considered not having him when doctors told her he would be born heartless and spineless. (Bill Maher)

      THE AL SMITH DINNER

      Comments by Republican Candidate Mitt Romney

      Don't be surprised if the president mentions the monthly jobs report where there was a slight improvement in the numbers. He knows how to seize the moment, this president. He already has a compelling new campaign slogan: "You're better off now than you were four weeks ago."

      Campaigns can be grueling, exhausting. President Obama and I are each very lucky to have one person who is always in our corner, someone who we can lean on, and someone who is a comforting presence, and without whom, we wouldn't be able to go another day. I have my beautiful wife Ann; he has Bill Clinton.

      The president has found a way to take the sting out of the Obamacare mandates for the church. From now on, they're going to be in Latin.

       

        And I've already seen early reports from tonight's dinner. Headline: "Obama Embraced by Catholics.” Headline: “Romney Dines with Rich People."

      Comments by President Barack Obama

      This is the third time that Governor Romney and I have met recently. As some of you may have noticed, I had a lot more energy in our second debate. I felt really well rested after the nice long nap I had in the first debate.

      It turns out that millions of Americans focused in on the second debate who didn't focus in on the first debate — and I happen to be one of them.

      I particularly want to apologize to Chris Matthews. Four years ago, I gave him a thrill up his leg; this time around, I gave him a stroke.

      Of course, there are a lot of things I learned from that experience. For example, I learned that there are worse things that can happen to you on your anniversary than forgetting to buy a gift.

      Now, win or lose, this is my last political campaign so I'm trying to drink it all in. Unfortunately, Mayor Bloomberg will only let me have 16 ounces.

      BASEBALL- THE PLAYOFFS

      NLCS

      Washington Nationals fans are still furious at the team for shutting down Stephen Strasburg in September. But SF Giants fans are beginning to wonder if their team shouldn't have done the same with Madison Bumgarner. (Janice Hough)

      Okay, who would have made the bet in Vegas that Barry Zito starts the game with 7 2/3 scoreless innings tonight? Now all you liars put your hands down. Even Jamie Moyer is thinking "I can't believe Barry Zito is getting the Cardinals out with that junk." (Janice Hough)  

      Honestly thought that Fox has said more positive things about President Obama than they have about the SF Giants before game five.  They thought this series was over. (Janice Hough)  

      ALCS

      Baseball’s postseason continues. The New York Yankees are mired in a playoff slump. They’ve had fewer hits lately than Miley Cyrus. (Alan Ray)

      Tigers winning pitcher Justin Verlander didn’t have his best stuff tonight. “Cry me a river”, said Yanks Swisher, Cano, Granderson and Pay-Rod.

      After losing Game 3 of the ALCS, Joe Girardi said nothing has come easy to the these Yankees. Unless you include getting piles of loot for embarrassing yourself. (RJ Currie) 

      A-Rod and Nick Swisher were not in the Yankees lineup for the ALCS game 3. Which means $40 million alone in two players riding the bench. Who knew Aubrey Huff and Barry Zito would ever seem like bargains. (Janice Hough)  

      The New York Yankees benched Alex Rodriguez in the AL playoffs. He still has six years and one hundred eighty million left on his contract. And just think, only three years ago the Yankees owner was feeling sorry for the Mets owner because he invested with Bernie Madoff. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Yankees got swept by the Tigers in the ALCS. It was a case of not enough Cano and too much cannot. (RJ Currie) 

      The Tigers' Delmon Young drove in as many runs -- six -- as the Yankees scored in four games in the American League Championship Series. This was the third straight postseason in which Young has killed the Yankees, which means he has a lot in common with Nick Swisher. (Joel Sherman)

      During the ALCS, A-Rod had some unforgettable numbers. And he got them from two women sitting in the stands. (Alan Ray)  

      NYY infielder Pay-Rod hit .120 in this year’s playoffs. However, his average for hitting on female fans behind the Yanks dugout was reportedly .625. (TC Chong)  

      A-Rod has drawn fire for flirting with a reported bikini model during the Game 1 loss to the Tigers. A bikini model? This may redefine the top and bottom of an inning. (RJ Currie) 

      THE YANKEES

      Who said money can't buy happiness? I think a lot of Americans were very happy to see the Yankees' ALCS performance. At least the New York Yankees won't be embarrassed anymore by only partially filling their ballpark this postseason. (Janice Hough)  

      "What would George do? He would send his manager, Joe Girardi, a loudly ticking clock to remind him that his contract is up at the end of next season. Not even The Boss would have much of an appetite for eating $114 million of his own money, so the odds are he would accept the fact that he and Alex Rodriguez are forever joined. Then, he would proceed to make A-Rod's life hell with a continuous series of public and private insults For Nick Swisher, a chauffeured ride to the airport. For Curtis Granderson, $2 million, lovely parting gifts and the Yankees' home board game as going-away presents. For Robinson Cano, some (thinly) veiled threats to produce "or else" if he wants to get that big contract he's banking on when he becomes a free agent in 2014. CC Sabathia gets a lifetime membership to Weight Watchers and an order to straighten out his Yankees cap. Russell Martin gets a three-year deal, but at half the money he would have gotten if only he had signed during spring training. Andruw Jones is reduced to picking up Derek Jeter's dry cleaning. Eduardo Nuñez is forced to wear a baseball glove 24 hours a day for the entire winter. Mark Teixeira is ordered to winter ball to learn how to bunt. And it may be time to start putting names on the backs of the Yankee uniforms. (Chad Picasner)

      The only one hitting is Ichiro. I think I see the problem. The Yanks should have traded for more Seattle Mariners when they had the chance. (Chad Picasner)

      The Yankee's would like to trade ARod for young prospects but he has 5 years and about 180 million due on his old contract, and the pinstripers are likely to have to eat about 100 to 120 million of his contract. Only the LA Dodgers have the funds to trade for ARod straight up and Vegas is giving equal odds he will wear Dodger blue next year. (Stan Kegel)

      While Alex Rodriguez is asking for the phone number of a bikini model during a game, Derek Jeter has more class. He has a car take his one-night stands home, and gives each woman a gift basket. One woman told the New York Post that she was at Jeter's condo twice. Since he didn't remember her first visit, she now has two baskets. The baskets include a number of autographed items. (Cam Hutchenson)  

      The worst things for Yankee fans about Jeter's injury: 1. It was him and not A-Rod. 2. It's too late in the year to go out and buy a replacement player. (Janice Hough)  

      MITT ROMNEY

      GOV. ROMNEY: "Government does not create jobs. Government does not create jobs." Hey, guvna, if the government doesn’t create jobs, why do Republicans constantly blame President Obama for not creating jobs? (Paul Benoit)

      Mitt Romney ran the Olympics, but like three hours slower than Paul Ryan did. (Alex Watt)

      Mitt loved hiring women. he saved almost 25 cents on the dollar! (Paul Benoit)

      Woo hoo. I am now so important to Mitt Romney he sent me a letter saying "with your gift of at least $5,000 you will be offered a dedicated Romney Victory Staff member who will stand ready to assist you with up-to-the-minute election information." Cool, wonder if he'll put me in a binder? (Janice Hough)  

      Romney's Five Point Plan: 1. GIMME 2. GIMME 3. Pleaaaaase, come onnnn! 4. Just GIMME 5. ;) (Dan Gurewitch)

      Isn't is amazing? All Moderate Mitt had to do was change his long-held views on everything that he's ever said. Now he believes whatever you believe, and the polls show we like that. Forget integrity. Forget courage. What we want is a president who is 100 percent our bitch. (Bill Maher)

      One example: Mitt Romney was against gay rights, then he was for them, now he's against them again. Or as it's known in political circles, the Andersen Cooper 360. (Bill Maher)

      Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend. (Seth Neters)

      Romney has a plan to save PBS: Big Bird will wear a 3-piece suit and be renamed Big Bank. (Mick Aschoff)

      More bad news for Mitt Romney. Sesame Street’s “The Count” called. He wants to see those budget figures. (Janice Hough)    

      The Governor’s now backed off his plan to completely defund Sesame Street. Now he just wants to kick Oscar out of the garbage can, and fire The Count, the one character who knows his tax cuts don’t add up. (The Satirical Political Report)

      Yesterday was National Coming Out Day, a day set aside for people to embrace and announce who they really are. Your move, Mitt Romney. (Bill Maher)

      Romney took two different sides on abortion within 24 hours this week. There are shorter waiting periods for actual abortions. (Bill Maher)

      In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year. (Seth Neters)

      Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney's wife says her husband will not run again if he doesn't win. Promise? (Janice Hough)  

      Lindsay Lohan announced in Variety Friday that she's endorsing Mitt Romney for U.S. president, citing his employment record. She is in her twenties, she is jobless and she is on drugs and alcohol. She represents forty million voters and she could turn the election." (Argus Hamilton)

      The coveted Lindsay Lohan presidential endorsement is out and she’s picked Mitt Romney. Although, Romney has offered Lindsay $10,000 to take it back. (Frank King)

      Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive. (Conan O'Brien)

      Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called 'Kids Pick the President.' Romney said it's nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents. (Jay Leno)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      I don't know why they had a debate. This race was over last night when Honey Boo Boo made her official endorsement. She's pulling for Barack Obama. They say as goes Honey Boo Boo, so goes the election. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      This week the Obamas' dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does – digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney. (Conan O'Brien)

      In a new interview, President Obama said he thinks Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj can fix their feud. Sounds like he's ready for the second debate. (Conan O'Brien)

      PAUL  RYAN

      Paul Ryan says Obama’s strategy is to portray the GOP ticket at liars. Really, Paul? Maybe fact- checking is a strategy you guys might want to consider. (Will Durst)  

      The head of a northeast Ohio charity says that the Romney campaign last week “ramrodded their way” into the group’s Youngstown soup kitchen so that GOP vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan could get his picture taken washing dishes in the dining hall. We’re a faith-based organization; we are apolitical because the majority of our funding is from private donations. It’s strictly in our bylaws not to do it. They showed up there, and they did not have permission. They got one of the volunteers to open up the doors. The photo-op they did wasn’t even accurate. He did nothing. He just came in here to get his picture taken at the dining hall. Had they asked for permission, it wouldn’t have been granted. And I certainly wouldn’t have let him wash clean pans, and then take a picture, (Brian J. Antal, president of the Mahoning County St. Vincent De Paul Society)

      The truth is that Ryan simply cares so much about America's non-income-tax-paying indigent that he thinks they deserve better than eating food from pots and pans that have only been cleaned once. (NYMag.)

      Paul Ryan is taking some heat for showing up at an Ohio soup kitchen for a photo op, and pretending to wash clean dishes. Mitt Romney wouldn't make that mistakes - he knows dishes get given to staff to put in the dishwasher. (Janice Hough)  

      After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president. (Conan O'Brien)

      Paul Ryan just pissed away the lazy husband vote because now wives are gonna insist that the dishes get washed twice. (Bill in Portland Maine)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Arlen Specter died today at the age of 82. He had been well-known for years as a moderate Republican. Many younger people don't remember Specter. Still others don't remember moderate Republicans. (Janice Hough)  

      Republicans have blasted a Democrat Maine Senate candidate for spending too many hours playing online fantasy video games. Republicans say she should spend more time in the real world -- the real world where male politicians spend hours watching Internet porn. (Gary Bachman)

      The Koch Brothers sent 45,000 Georgia-Pacific employees a newsletter telling them to vote for Mitt Romney, warning that they will “suffer the consequences” if they vote the wrong way. Have these multi-billionaires ever considered spending the millions they are spending for the election on something productive for the country? (Janice Hough)  

      THE DEMOCRATS

      You think Bill Clinton has volunteered to help Barack Obama investigate Mitt Romney’s “binders full of women”? (Will Durst)  

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      You can sense the election getting very close. Both candidates are now working very hard to shore up their support among women. In fact, today they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies. (Craig Ferguson)

      I'm against politicizing either event, but have to wonder why none of these people who insist on blaming Obama for Ambassador Steven's death in Benghazi ever thought Bush should be blamed at all for 9-11? (Janice Hough)  

      THE CONGRESS

      Michele Bachmann automatically became a Swiss citizen Thursday after her husband Marcus was granted Swiss citizenship due to his parents' nationality. It's weird. Now she's a citizen of two countries, one that's officially neutral and one that nestled in the Alps. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MILITARY

      The Army commemorated the anniversary of the first public burning of a draft card. Meanwhile, Republicans celebrated the anniversary of the first person to be granted a college draft deferment.  (Jim Barach)

      THE STATES

      Washington state voters are favored to pass a measure to let people buy marijuana legally. It'll only add to the chaos. The second civil war will be fought by the states who secede over marijuana laws against the states who secede over the immigration laws. (Argus Hamilton)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Chicago is planning a five cent tax on every bullet sold in the city. The good news is that shooting victims will be able to take a nickel deduction on their city taxes every time they are shot.  (Jim Barach)  

      L. A.'s Children's Hospital has become the first in the nation to institute a ban on clowns whether coming to visit or entertain. They've been gunning for them ever since they caught Ronald McDonald sneaking Big Macs to obese kids awaiting lap band surgery.  (Bob Mills)  

      The San Francisco Board of Supervisors will debate a bill that would ban public nudity except in those places where nudity has traditionally been legal in San Francisco. Such places include at home, at work, in theaters, at the beach, in bars, in nightclubs, in church ... (Bob Mills)

      Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader Sarah Jones pleaded guilty Friday to having sex with a seventeen-year-old boy student while she was a schoolteacher in Ohio. The blonde told reporters she plans to go to law school. She's been accepted by a brand-new online law school but she's still trying to find out if the University of John Edwards is fully accredited. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Chicago man apparently spent $9,995.00 on Ebay to purchase a gallon of barbecue sauce intended for use on McDonald's McJordan sandwich in 1992. (Janice Hough)  

      For more than a year, the police have been investigating reports that the local (Portland, Maone) Zumba instructor was using her exercise studio on a quaint  downtown street for more than fitness training. Now, the police have started releasing the names of her clients who have been charged with patronizing a prostitute. One local entrepreneur tapped into the zeitgeist and printed up T-shirts  that read: "I'm not on the list. Are you?" They sold out instantly. (Author Unknown) 

      Seattle police officers were shocked as they watched a man urinating on their patrol car. The man was arrested and charged with public urination. His fine? $27. Is that a deterrent or an invitation? (Cam Hutchenson)  

      The bad news is a Florida dude died after eating live bugs and worms in a contest to win a snake. The good news is he won the snake. So now he’s got a lawyer to handle his estate.   (Bill Williams)  

      A Dallas mother who beat her daughter and then superglued her to a wall was sentenced to 99 years in prison. Isn't it great when a charge sticks? (Cam Hutchenson)

      "Big Tex" the giant metal cowboy who's greeted visitors to the Texas State Fair for 60 years, was destroyed by fire today. Devastated Texans nonetheless know that big inanimate objects can come back - witness Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Janice Hough)  

      THE ECONOMY

      Employment improves in September, says Bureau of Labor Statistics; Romney adds Bureau of Labor Statistics to list of government agencies he'll get rid of. (IronicTimes)

      The U. S. Postal Service is in bad shape. Because of the Internet people aren't sending mail much anymore. Maybe if they weren't so prudish about mailing bodily fluids and explosives, they wouldn't be in the situation. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Nike has terminated Lance Armstrong’s contract. What’s the difference between this cyclist and a sneaker? The sneaker has a sole. (Alan Ray)  

      Nike terminated its deal with Lance Armstrong Wednesday, citing the overwhelming evidence he cheated with performance-enhancing drugs. Nike has a very strict drug policy. They'll fire any children in their Vietnamese factory if they test positive for Ritalin. (Argus Hamilton)

      Nike severed ties with Lance Armstrong this week. Apparently, they did not like his slogan -- 'Just Deny It'. Amheuser-Busch and Radio Shack also dumped Armstrong today. So no more getting a free computer every time you spill free beer on it. (TC Chong)  

      Nike, Anheuser-Busch and Radio Shack have dropped out as sponsors of Lance Armstrong. The deal is costing Armstrong millions in endorsement money from Nike and Anheuser Busch, and the Radio Shack deal means no more free batteries for his iPod.  (Jim Barach)  

      Glenn Beck is putting out a blue jeans line. And if they don’t sell, it’s because Levi, Wrangler, and Obama conspired against him. (Gary Bachman)

      The maker of Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling more than 20 of its spray-on products, The Associated Press reported, after five people reportedly caught on fire after applying it.  (Dwight Perry)   

      The 2012 Neiman Marcus Christmas Book was unveiled in Dallas, Texas with fantasy gifts such as a walk-on role in "Annie: The Musical." That gift would cost you $30,000. But hey, you could be a Broadway star, at least for a moment. (Rich Hancock)   

      Fame Daddy website began offering celebrity sperm for thirty grand to women who want babies with star DNA from entertainment, sports or business. It's easy to figure out whose sperm it is. Nine months later the new mother will be greeted by the paparazzi, by minor league scouts, or by accountants wanting to know the name of the new deduction. (Argus Hamilton)

      A report from a research firm says that for the first time in history, the number of smartphones on the planet has topped 1 billion. There's more Angry Birds than there are real birds. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      One in seven people worldwide use a smart phone. Hopefully, one day we will never have to look up and into another person's eyes ever again. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A U.S. company has designed the first portable stripper pole that attaches to your car bumper for tailgate parties.  You know your husband had a good time at the game when he pulls into the driveway and there’s a stripper pole on the back of the pick up. (Brad Dickson)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A company just came out with a car that will retail for only $3,000. They are calling it the 1997 Corolla. (Conan O'Brien)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      The difference between gluing and screwing has been quantified by the legal system. A mother in Texas received a 99 year sentence for gluing her daughter to the wall, yet in Pennsylvania Jerry Sandusky only received 30 years for screwing young boys to the wall. Sandusky’s subsequent plea that his crime was like following too close, and he should receive a traffic offense level sentence was denied by the judge.  (Jerry W.)  

      The FBI actually has an art theft unit. If CBS ever makes a show out of this heist, the FBI guy would say, "Thieves steal paintings to get rich. Let's bust 'em so they wind up 'baroque."(Craig Ferguson)

      NASA & SPACE

      Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Space Shuttle Endeavour was towed down Martin Luther King Boulevard in Los Angeles Sunday escorted by police cruisers. Residents stood outside and cheered the slow-moving spectacle. Everybody assumed that O.J. Simpson had escaped from Las Vegas. (Argus Hamilton)  

      It was a big weekend in L. A. The space shuttle Endeavor was pulled through L. A. traffic to its new home at the California Science Center on Sunday. It was supposed to arrive the day before, but it got rear ended by Amanda Bynes. (Craig Ferguson)

      Space Shuttle Endeavor was towed from the Los Angeles airport to the California Science Museum. It survived one hundred and thirty million miles in outer space. However, after just fifteen minutes in Los Angeles, someone opened a car door and put a dent in the side panel. (Argus Hamilton)

      NASA has signed an agreement to develop and market a nasal spray to prevent motion sickness. The only problem is dealing with the smell of Tang lingering in your nose the rest of the day.  (Jim Barach)   

      CANADA

      Canadian researchers have successfully tested underwear that jolts the buttocks with electricity. Sadly, it's too late to help the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. (RJ Currie)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Scotland is planning to hold an election for independence from the UK in 2014. Their fashion is wearing kilts, their sport is throwing tree trunks and their food is sheep organs cooked in its stomach. They need to have their own country.  (Jim Barach)  

      According to the BBC, Americans have, thanks to the recent Olympics, adopted thirty more "Britishisms," including "bloody," "cheeky," "fancy," "knickers," "loo," "mate," "queue," "shag," and "wonky." Still on the cusp but gaining in popularity is "Prince Willie," meaning "to shoot billiards without clothes." (Bob Mills)

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