Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

281Weakly Humerus News 10-14-12

Expand Messages
  • Stan Kegel
    Oct 15, 2012

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-14-12


      Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Tebow is like Romney, almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama's like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now. (Jay Leno)

      Can you believe it's only another month until we start arguing about whether the election was stolen or not? (Jay Leno)

      Orange News reports a Norfolk man who just left university with a degree in music and English is working as a human scarecrow. So he's already outstanding in his field. (RJ Currie) 

      Canada announced today that it was tightening security along its border with the United States amid concerns that there could be a mass migration of illegal Americans after Tuesday, November 6th. (Andy Borowitz)

      Apparently after last week's debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point -- or as it's also known, "the thing Obama failed to make during last week's debate." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Biggest problem with Jerry Sandusky's 30 to 60 year prison sentence? It didn't start 30 years earlier. (Janice Hough)

      The NBA players' union is challenging the league's vow to unilaterally institute a system of fines for repeat flopping. In other words, the players won't take this falling down. (Dwight Perry)

      We are now supposedly entering a worldwide shortage of bacon and pork.  Washington, D.C., however, was found to have no shortage of pork. (Steve Yeich)

      In America, 100 billion pounds of food each year go to waste. And 500 billion pounds of food go to waists. (Gary Bachman)

      October is National Toilet Tank Repair Month. Too late for the Texas Rangers, though: Their once-promising season is already down the drain. (Dwight Perry)

      If you were to hear about an older guy who violated a younger dude multiple times with medical precision, which would be the first thing to come to your mind, the locker room at Penn State, an educational video from NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association), or a vice presidential debate? (Jerry W.)

      Just opened my OKLAHOMA app. It’s the SIRI with the fringe on top. (Bill Williams)  

      Michael Vick confirms that he now has a dog. What's next? Jerry Sandusky adopts a boy? (Gary Bachman)

      Sarah Palin has penned a fitness book. I didn't know she worked out. All I had heard was that she ran four years ago. (Tim Hunter) 

      A Kennebuckport, Maine Arthur Murray dance instructress was arrested by vice officers and charged with prostitution. May get off the hook, though. He lawyer has pointed out that nowhere in the state law does it say that horizontal dancing is prohibited. (Bob Mills)


      Twitter said today that Wednesday night's debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old? (Jay Leno)

      60 million people watched [the 1st Presidential Debate] from around the world. And from the Cayman Islands, even Mitt's money was watching. (David Letterman)   

      The Presidential Debate featured two candidates with wildly opposing takes on nearly every issue. Oh, and the President was there, too. (Paul Benoit)

      Tomorrow night Joe Biden and Paul Ryan will be facing off in the vice-presidential debate. The White House is a little worried. In fact, Biden's handlers are telling him, "Whatever you do, don't be yourself. Be anybody else." (Jay Leno)

      The vice-presidential debate is tomorrow night. Democrats took a pounding at the last debate, so now they're going to be a little more aggressive. Joe Biden is thinking of opening with a head butt. (David Letterman)

      It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn't there for the last one either. (David Letterman)

      There is a lot of anticipation for tonight's vice-presidential debate. Joe Biden took six days off to prepare for it. President Obama took just two days off. Well, three if you count the actual debate. (Jay Leno)

      Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird. (David Letterman)


      It's like Obama wasn't even there. He hasn't done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood. (Stephen Colbert)

      I'm sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It's like he took my million and spent it all on weed. (Bill Maher)

      At one point Obama looked do dead, Romney tried to baptize him. (Bill Maher)

      The poor debate performance by President Obama left many of his supporters asking themselves, How do you lose a debate to a guy who thinks airplane windows should roll down? (William Hale) 

      There is no red America! There is no blue America! There is only the America that can't believe how bad this guy did in the debate. (Jon Stewart)

      President Obama talked about finding new sources of energy. He couldn't muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it. (Jay Leno)

      Pundits have had a few days to take a look at the debate. They're saying that President Obama walked on stage without a plan and was listless and disengaged. And when I heard that I thought, "Well, that's worked OK for me." (David Letterman)


      Mitt did a great job. After the debate he celebrated with a bottle of caffeine-(David Letterman)

      It's Mormon in America again. I haven't seen Romney this energized up since HBO canceled 'Big Love.'(Bill Maher)

      Romney looked like the big winner, and Obama looked like the Big Lebowski. (Bill Maher)

      You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullsh*t. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they're going to reboot a campaign, they don't just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer. (Bill Maher)

      During Wednesday's debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it's a surprising threat considering that 'Mitt' is such an excellent Muppet name. (Seth Meyers)

      BIDEN & RYAN

      Joe Biden is taking no chances for his upcoming vice-presidential debate with Paul Ryan. He's taking six days off to prepare. Six days off from what? (David Letterman)

      The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise. (David Letterman)

      Paul Ryan's handling committee says he just has to do one thing. All he has to do is not look like a beady-eyed little weasel. (David Letterman)

      Before the debate, Ryan said he'll stick to the facts. So, see, he's already lying. (David Letterman)

      The vice-presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan went on tonight. It seemed like someone spiked Biden's Ensure with a 5-hour Energy drink or something. He was very fired up. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      An initial CNN focus group report said that 32% thought Biden won, 32% thought Ryan won, and 35% thought it was a draw. But 80% after watching Joe said, "I'll have what he's having." (Janice Hough)

      Nielsen says that 51.4 Million people watched the Vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan. There was tension, laughing, crying and lies. It's already being talked about as a replacement show on MTV now that 'Jersey Shore' is ending. (Jim Barach)

      In a poll of Democratic voters taken immediately following Thursday night’s Vice-Presidential debate, a wide majority said they wanted Vice-President Joe Biden to appear in all remaining 2012 debates. (Andy Borowitz)

      We haven't seen Paul Ryan talk much. He's a very serious guy. Paul Ryan seems like the guy you see at the bank who really hates standing in line. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Mr. Biden’s performance clearly wowed the Democratic voters in the post-debate poll, as ninety per cent of them “strongly agreed” with the statement, “Obama should crush a little bit of Joe Biden into a joint and smoke it.” (Andy Borowitz)

      Because President Obama and Mitt Romney went way over their time limits, they put safety measures in place for this debate to make sure it didn't happen again. I think they got this idea from award shows. Biden didn't even have time to thank his agent. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      None of Major League Baseball's Division Series have ended up sweeps with one team 3 and out. You know what this means.  All four series' have lasted longer than some NBC new sitcoms. (Janice Hough)

      Here's a sign that it's autumn in New York — Alex Rodriguez striking out with the bases loaded. (David Letterman)

      The Yankees got beat by the Orioles yesterday. The Yankees are saying they lost because of the altitude. (David Letterman)

      The MLB postseason continues. What always happens in the middle of the 7th inning at Yankee Stadium? It’s when fans stand up and stretch their middle fingers. (Alan Ray)

      Tonight at Yankee Stadium is Game 3 between the Yankees and the Baltimore Orioles. Tonight's topic will be foreign policy. (David Letterman)

      The mayors have a little wager. If the Yankees win, Baltimore's mayor will send us Maryland crab cakes. And if the Orioles win, New York Mayor Bloomberg will send Baltimore a case of illegal 32-oz. sodas. (David Letterman)

      This just in - Mitt Romney both agrees and disagrees with last night's infield fly call. (Janice Hough)

      The San Francisco Giants came into game three of the NLDS hitting .143 as a team for the postseason.  And their batting average tonight went DOWN.  (3 for 32.)  And they didn't have a hit with a runner in scoring position.  And they won 2-1. Not only does good pitching beat good hitting, good pitching and bad opposition fielding bails out awful hitting. (Janice Hough)

      Heck, President Obama got more hits on Mitt Romney last Wednesday than the SF Giants have gotten so far this postseason. (Janice Hough)

      The Cardinals really teed off on Nationals starter Edwin Jackson today, a career .500 pitcher. Gosh, if only Washington had a really top notch starting pitcher they could have used for game 3. (Janice Hough)

      As a baseball fan, I think shutting down Strasburg was one of the stupidest things the Nationals could do. But if they had won the NLDS, as a SF Giants fan I would have learned to live with it. (Janice Hough)

      Clearly President Obama should have issued an executive order barring the Nationals from shutting down Stephen Strasburg. (Janice Hough)

      SF Giants today became the first team in Major League Baseball history to win a best of five playoff series after losing the first two at home.  So ESPN focuses Sportcenter on Thursday Night Football, Dale Earnhardt, Jr, and of course, the Yankees. (Janice Hough)

      Tonight's Orioles-Yankees game finished up in 13th inning in New York, over four hours since the first pitch. Normally the only games that last this long in New York are 9 inning Red Sox-Yankees games. (Janice Hough)

      This might be the one and ONLY time in my life I show some sympathy for the NY Yankees. Because I remember a May 2011 game when the SF Giants were down 4 runs, came back to tie it up, and lost the heart and soul of their team to an extra-innings injury.  Yankees fans are particularly upset by the injury. More than a few wishing it could have been A-Rod? (Janice Hough)


      A recent poll showed a tightening President race but more than 50% of voters polled said it was difficult to know what Romney stood for. Suppose that's not too bad, since at this point not sure that even Mitt Romney knows what he stands for. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney can't sell us HIS plan, so he is trying to sell Obama's plan, only Mitt will do it faster, and better, and it won't cost America a dime! (Paul Benoit)

      Mitt Romney apologized Friday for his remarks at a donor soiree criticizing forty-seven percent of Americans who get government checks. He said that was completely wrong. What rich white people say to each other in country club settings is very often wrong if it's overheard. (Argus Hamilton)

      Today the Secret Service caught a woman trying to sneak into the White House with a mysterious package. Turns out it was just Ann Romney with some carpet samples. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney 7.0 "There's no legislation with regards to abortion that I'm familiar with that would become part of my agenda." Of course, maybe he's not saying he's changed his views, maybe he's saying he's not actually familiar with ANY legislation. (Janice Hough)

      I'm Mitt Romney and I approve whatever message will make you like me. (Paul Benoit)

      Mitt Romney is 47% sure he's sorry; is 53% unsure why. (Paul Benoit)

      In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, 'Well, what about just for fun? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, "Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about." (Jimmy Fallon)

      How did this guy ever get the reputation for being out of touch? Mitt Romney today: "We don't have people that become ill, who die in their apartment because they don't have insurance." (Janice Hough)

      Taking a victory lap after their candidate's win in the first Presidential debate Wednesday night, Romney campaign insiders today attributed his success to his strategic use of relentless lying. "We worked for hours on this during the practice debates," said the campaign manager Matt Rhoades. "We were, like, 'Mitt, if you find yourself on the verge of saying something true, bite your tongue.'" Mr. Rhoades said that the nominee was allowed to say his real name and acknowledge that he used to be a Governor, "but other than that, he was on a very short leash, truth-wise." (Andy Borowitz)

      All these folks who figure that Romney really has it in for Big Bird because he wants to cut PBS funding – maybe instead it’s that Mitt has figured out that Bert and Ernie are shacking up together. (Janice Hough) 

      Super Pacs supporting the Romney campaign hosted a fund-raising dinner in Washington. Menu items included some of the GOP's all-time favorites -- Oysters Nelson Rockefeller... Endangered Mock Turtle Soup... Tossed Green Salad with Off-Shore Oil and Vinegar... and Roasted Big Bird Under Glass. (Bob Mills)

      Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called 'Kids Pick the President'. Romney said it's nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents. (Jay Leno)

      People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney's son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That's right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son's shoulder and said "Tagg, you're it!" (Jimmy Fallon)


      You know the Obama campaign's in trouble when they're looking to Joe Biden to turn things around. (David Letterman)

      The White House today announced that it was offering a "substantial cash reward" for information leading to "the location and safe return of President Obama's mojo." Even if the White House is successful in locating Mr. Obama's mojo, Mr. Carney acknowledged, it could take days or even weeks to get it working. In an effort to reboot his campaign, President Obama plans to announce some bold initiatives for his second term, including killing Osama bin Laden again. (Andy Borowitz)

      Obama's wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left. (Bill Maher)

      Obama's 20th wedding anniversary was the same day as the debate.  Obama planned it that way for two reasons.  First, so he's have something to help him remember his anniversary, and second, so he'd have an excuse to not go out that night. (Steve Yeich)

      This week President Obama's Facebook page received more than a million "Likes" in a single day. All of them from Republicans who watched last week's debate. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Boss will campaign for Barack Obama in Ohio and Iowa. I’m confused. I thought Michelle Obama was already campaigning for her husband. (Gary Bachman)

      Obama will be in California next Monday to dedicate as a monument the old house that labor leader Cesar Chavez was born in. In a related story, Romney will be in California next Tuesday to supervise the foreclosure on the mortgage of that same house. (Jerry W.) 

      President Obama was here in Los Angeles last night. He was here with his agent taking meetings in case things don't work out next month. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, 'Any way they can play him in a debate?'(Jimmy Fallon)

      Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what's another good name for that position? President. (Seth Meyers)

      BIDEN & RYAN

      What’s missing from Irish Catholic Paul Ryan’s story is why he’s been married for 12 years but has only 3 children. If his religion says birth control’s off the table, is he shooting blanks? (Jerry W.)

      When Paul Ryan learned from the results of a public opinion poll that his trademark phony forced grin did not earn him a single vote, that news just wiped the smirk right off his face. (Jerry W.)

      Joe Biden misspoke again last week saying, "The middle class has been buried the last 4 years."  So as long as the Republicans have Biden on their side Obama is not a shoo-in. (Steve Yeich)


      Rick Santorum said today that marriage will “disintegrate” along with the American family if same-sex marriage becomes legal. Uh, really? So far marriage has been strong enough to survive the Kardashians. (Janice Hough)

      Charlie Fuqua, the Republican candidate for the Arkansas House of Representatives  wrote in support for instituting the death penalty for "rebellious children." In "God's Law," Fuqua's 2012 book, the candidate wrote that while parents love their children, a process could be set up to allow for the institution of the death penalty for 'rebellious children'. Fuqua, who is anti-abortion, points out that the course of action involved in sentencing a child to death is described in the Bible and would involve judicial approval. While it is unlikely that many parents would seek to have their children killed by the government, Fuqua wrote, such power would serve as a way to stop rebellious children. (John Celock)


      Al Gore scored Wednesday's debate and blamed Barack Obama's poor performance on Denver's altitude. The president didn't think the altitude would be much of a problem. Back when he was in college he got some of his best test scores while he was high. (Argus Hamilton)

      Al Gore said that Obama lost the debate because of the high altitude.  (Evidently, Romney was wearing an invisible oxygen mask.)  Gore then said that if he had known it was going to affect the President so badly he wouldn't have invented high altitude. (Steve Yeich)


      If you’re one of the 5 percent of American voters who are still undecided on who to vote for, it’s okay to admit you just don’t really care. Seriously, if you still can’t figure out who you like more, Mitt Romney or Barrack Obama, stay home, because you probably couldn’t find your polling place anyway. (Bill Maher)   

      Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so the heck wih it. (Stephen Colbert)   

      And yes, I am saying we can keep blaming Bush for (the economy). It's the same as blaming rats for the Black Plague. Just because you're sick of hearing historians saying it doesn't mean it stopped being true. George Bush left a flaming pile of dog poop on the White House steps, and now it's gone, and Mitt Romney has a heckuva nerve running on the idea that "I'm going to fix the economy by restoring the policies of the party that destroyed it." (Bill Maher)

      'NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION' (Rallying Slogan, 13 Original Colonies)  How the heck did they turn that into the Tea Party mantra, 'Representation Without Taxation!'? (Paul Benoit)

      Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez appeared in a new campaign ad for President Obama.  That should help him win over the men who like big asses.  Next, he'll try for Lindsay Lohan's endorsement to lock up the criminal element, and then go for Justin Bieber to get the teenage girls that are too young to vote. (Steve Yeich) 

      When employment falls during a Republican administration it's a blip. When employment falls during a Democratic administration it's incompetence.  When employment rises during a Republican administration it's AWESOME!  When employment rises during a Democratic administration it's FRAUD! (Bill in Portland Maine)


      Roseanne Barr made the presidential ballot in California along with her running mate Cindy Sheehan on the Freedom Party. The party lists itself as pro-marijuana and anti-evil. They're sure to get the votes of people who would otherwise stab themselves with the pen. (Argus Hamilton)

      Californians will vote on a measure in November to end the death penalty. Execution isn't easy here. There aren't enough drugs left for lethal injection, the nooses are being used in sex shops and the air in the gas chamber is cleaner than the air at Lake Arrowhead. (Argus Hamilton)


      The city council here in L. A. voted 11-2 to overturn the ban on medical marijuana dispensaries. It's great news for the thousands of people who suffer from fake back pain, fake neck pain, and fake sleep disorders. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Los Angeles City Council voted 11-2 to overturn the ban on medical marijuana dispensaries. They celebrated the victory by eating a dozen fudge brownies, two half-gallons of Cookie Dough ice cream and a large pizza with everything on it. (Tim Hunter)

      The L. A. City Council lifted its recent ban on medical pot stores in L. A. Wednesday. The best actors in Los Angeles no longer get Academy Awards or Emmys. The best acting in town is done by the thousands of people every day who convince a doctor that they have glaucoma. (Argus Hamilton)

      $710 is the amount a New York family has been billed to pay for damage to a police car. In April, a man was struck and killed by a police car after he was caught stealing cobblestones from a housing complex. Now his family has been told to foot the bill. (Cam Hutchenson)

      Yesterday, two ATMs here in New York were shut down for dispensing counterfeit money. People were suspicious after one guy kept asking, "Hey, can you break a 23?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Authorities in Pennsylvania said a man accused of robbing a bank for $1 was apparently trying to end up in federal prison. The man handed a note to tellers at a bank in Northern Cambria demanding $1. Two tellers thought the note was a joke before a third handed over the $1 and called police. And yes, the man is where he wants to be, in prison. (Rich Hancock)

      Legislation that would prohibit public nudity has been introduced in San Francisco. In recent years, public nudity has extended beyond festivals, parades and beaches, with downtown parks now becoming impromptu nudist colonies. The man introducing the legislation? Scott Wiener. (Cam Hutchenson)

      The wine tasting tour boat Neptune hit an underwater object and sank in San Francisco bay. All 22 on board were rescued. No word if they were Giants fans prematurely celebrating a pennant win. (Janice Hough)   

      A farmer in Oregon was eaten by his pigs. The pigs ate the farmer. But in the overall race, humans are still way ahead. (Jay Leno)

      A Pennsylvania man is suing a strip club after a pole burst his bladder. The plaintiff rejected the defendant’s settlement offer. Fifty percent off a lap dance. (Alan Ray)

      A Calif man was cooked in a steamer at a tuna processing plant. Wonder if he knew he was going to be canned at work that day. No word on whether the guy’s name was Charlie. (Tony C. Chong)  

      A van advertising "Topless Maids for $99" in Burbank, California is generating complaints from residents and business owners. Officials have received several complaints about the pink van, which also bears a phone number for the business.  The City Council is looking into the matter. (Rich Hancock)

      A fitness instructor in Maine has been charged with running a prostitution business out of her Zumba dance studio. Authorities first got suspicious when they saw guys going to work out at a Zumba dance studio. I guess it was pretty obvious. Part of the Zumba dance workout involved throwing dollar bills on the stage. (Jay Leno)

      Officials in Portland, Maine are trying to identify who hacked a roadside electronic message board, changing the message to "Warning Zombies Ahead!" The roadside sign, which was supposed to warn of impending road work, was hacked early Wednesday morning and the culprits could face charges of tampering with a safety device. (Rich Hancock)

      A UC Berkeley policeman is recovering in the hospital with non-life threatening injuries after accidentally shooting himself in the leg.  If he doesn't make it back on the force maybe he can audition for a tryout with the NY Jets as a wide receiver? (Janice Hough)

      Paintings made by two artistic otters have been selling for about $35 each in a Duluth, Minnesota aquarium's gift shop.The Great Lakes Aquarium said paintings created by the two otters have been selling "wonderfully." The otters were initially wary of the blobs of paint on printer paper given them.  But they are in to it now and move their webbed paws all over the canvas for their creations. (Rich Hancock)

      A group of South Carolina teenagers have been arrested after they broke into a house to party and they posted pictures of it on Facebook; they're charged with breaking and entering, burglary, vandalism, destruction of private property and being too stupid to live. (Alex Kaseberg) 


      Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher? (Jon Stewart) 

      Right now, California is THE spot to be if you couldn't afford that trip to Europe, but wanted to pay their gasoline prices. (Tim Hunter)

      Southern California gas prices hit an all-time high for the third day in a row Monday at five dollars a gallon. It's gotten crazy. Cedars-Sinai Hospital is hiring prostitutes to teach pregnant women in their Lamaze classes how to siphon gasoline without swallowing. (Argus Hamilton)

      Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it's been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can't wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate. (Jay Leno)

      New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers. (Bill Maher)

      While the average American's net worth has gone down in the last four years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone up. No wonder Congress isn't motivated to do anything — they're the only ones better off now than they were four years ago. (Jay Leno)

      The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from "Change you can believe in" to "Can you believe there's no change." (Jay Leno)

      It’s all good news. Except for any news that is actually good. This 0.3 percent drop in the unemployment rate seems just a little too barely better to be true. Last month 114,000 unemployed moochers -- the president’s natural allies -- suddenly yank the government teat out of their months, get off the couch for 40 hours a week. Why? I say follow the money. Because I found out that right around the time those people got those jobs, they started getting paid." (Stephen Colbert)          

      It’s gotta be corrupt, political manipulation of the official statistics. What else would explain why, after unemployment has been steadily declining for the last year, that now, suddenly, right before the election, it declines a little more? I gotta say, if you’re cooking the books, 7.8 percent unemployment is a shitty recipe. (Jon Stewart)


      An analysis of Mitt Romney's tax plan says wiping out deductions wouldn't offset lower tax rates. Mostly because people's mortgage, health care and charitable deductions have all been pretty much been a thing of the past since the economic crash. (Jim Barach)


      Mini Wheats cereals have been recalled after bits of metal were found in boxes. I don’t get the problem–right on the box it says 'fortified with iron'. (Jim Barach) 

      The Olive Garden is getting rid of its famous catchphrase, "When you're here, you're family." They're going to start using a more appropriate catchphrase: "When you're here, the wait was too long at The Cheesecake Factory." (Jimmy Fallon)

      General Foods is suing the Rparty for copyright infringement. GF's lawyers say that they created "Jello", a product they say could not be nailed down, years before Mitt Romney started using that technique in his policy making. (Jerry W.)


      Australian billionaire Clive Palmer is apparently trying to build a new cruise ship that will be an exact full size replica of the Titanic.   Uh, maybe a few small changes might be in order. (Janice Hough)

      Allstate says that obesity is hurting fuel efficiency in our vehicles. So when it comes to cars we need to think less about unleaded and more about non-fat. (Jim Barach)

      Back from vacation. Made it home safely cause I didn’t fly American Airlines with their seats that weren’t bolted down properly. Too bad, cause I would have liked the free in-flight upgrade to First Class. (Tony C. Chong)  

      I believe it would be cheaper to travel without luggage to avoid baggage fees and buying clothes and stuff for a week at Walmart. You could leave them behind and come out ahead financially. (Tony C. Chong)  


      Jerry Sandusky, in a pre-sentencing audio tape, said, "In my heart, I know I did not do these alleged disgusting acts." Uh, Jerry, your heart might be one of the only innocent parts of your anatomy. (Janice Hough)

      Jerry Sandusky begins his 30-60 year prison sentence. He’ll discover jail is different from the gridiron. For example, in a shotgun formation, they use a real shotgun. (Alan Ray)

      Several Sandusky jurors were interviewed and said the former Penn State assistant coach should receive a life sentence. The others presumably just wish the death penalty were available. (Janice Hough)

      Jerry Sandusky will spend 30-60 years in prison for molestation. In the hoosegow, he’ll come to know certain important dates. Bubba, Big Charlie, Carl the Fish, Scarface, Lonely Larry. (Alan Ray)

      Penn State's former coach Jerry Sandusky was sentenced to thirty years in prison for sexually abusing ten boys. His coaching career is far from over. Right after Sandusky was sentenced, he was named the defensive coordinator of the prison soap-dropping team. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jerry Sandusky has been locked up for good. He maintains he’s innocent because he never had a relationship with Julia Child. (Tony C. Chong)  

      Police have formally charged a man who confessed to murdering his ex-girlfriend on 'Jerry Springer' after he had denied he did it on 'Dr. Phil.' Credit the confession to the traditional police interrogation technique -- 'Good Talk Show, Bad Talk Show'. (Bob Mills)

      One of several men nabbed in an online prostitution scam in Texas is a 59-year-old senior V.P. with Halliburton. Bummer. For non-millionaires, this might be the closest anyone at Halliburton has gotten to an economic stimulus. (Janice Hough)


      Apparently the man who was stopped in Los Angeles with a bulletproof vest and a smoke grenade in his luggage was actually screened before boarding a flight in Korea. So it is possible to have security that is worse than TSA. (Janice Hough)


      Rather than prosecute illegal aliens from Mexico, the government is flying them back over the border without costly legal proceedings. Several have filed lawsuits against the INS. Seems they flew them back on American and their seats came loose while they were handcuffed to them. (Bob Mills)


      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)