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270Weakly Humerus News 09-02-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Sep 2, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-02-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      They're all going down to Tampa where an Evangelical party is going to nominate a Mormon and a Catholic and then get wiped out by a hurricane -- leaving Florida to the Jews as God intended. (Bill Maher)   

      August 31 is a celestial event called a blue moon. There will never be a better time to bet on the Houston Astros to win. (RJ Currie) 

      Women in the African nation of Togo are withholding sex from their husbands in order to unseat the current president. How bad is it when the politicians are still screwing you but your wife isn't. (Jim Barach)  

      In a development that Republicans are sure to find troubling, a new poll of likely voters showed nominee Mitt Romney trailing badly behind the empty chair Clint Eastwood talked to onstage at the Republican National Convention in Tampa. (Andy Borowitz)   

      What delivered Clint Eastwood to the Republican party? 'A fistful of dollars'. Why was he motivated to speak at the convention? 'For a few dollars more'.  Clint’s current status with former fans? He’s a 'Unforgiven' 'High Plains Drifter' who is up the 'Mystic River' without a paddle.  (Jerry W.) 

      If it were the Democratic convention that was postponed in Florida this week we'd be hearing nonstop from conservative preachers today how Isaac was an Act of God. (Janice Hough)

      With the aid of Hurricane Isaac, the Republican Party was able to successfully accomplish their prime objective for their convention, to approve their platform detailing what they hope to pass if elected without revealing to the American public what those changes might be. Delegates praised the 'Act of God' for making the conclave a historic victory. (Stan Kegel)     

      Republicans are saying they are pretty sure that Hurricane Isaac is a Democratic hurricane.  Their reasoning is that it is doing everything it can to ruin their convention, plus it is causing many businesses to shut down. (Steve Yeich)

      The GOP axed Monday's convention schedule due to Hurricane Isaac. A meteorologist's report was the deciding factor. This marks the first time that party has every listened to a scientist. (Alan Ray

      The  GOP in the end got their convention in with minimal damage from Hurricane Isaac. And the Dems next week feel pretty sure no storm will damage their show. Heck, with Joe Biden big winds feel it's a matter of professional courtesy. (Janice Hough)

      Wonders? Was it Hurricane Isaac that got the GOP convention rescheduled to the 19th century? (TC Chong)

      Quote of the week "We should sink Todd Akin. If he's found mysteriously murdered, don't look for my whereabouts," Some crazy Democrat? No, Karl Rove. (Janice Hough)

      The NFL says it will open the regular season with replacement referees. The only difference fans will notice is that since they are novices, the league will permit them to bring their seeing eye dogs onto the field. (Jim Barach)  

      A group of coal miners in Ohio said that their bosses forced them to attend a Mitt Romney campaign event. You know you're boring when people would rather dig coal than listen to you speak. (Conan O'Brien)

      A former corrections officer was arrested after throwing two footballs stuffed with drugs and contraband into the prison yard at the Richland (Ohio) Correctional Institution. Prosecutors can't decide whether to charge her with drug trafficking or detentional grounding. (Dwight Perry)

      Down in Tampa, Rev. Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition is still supporting Todd Akin, and says he "would prefer Akin over any competitor in a political race." Which gives Sheldon something in common with many Democrats. (Janice Hough)

      If Romney becomes President, Clint Eastwood will be invited to address the Cabinet–the Chippendale in the dining room. (Gary Bachman)

      A Japanese toilet bowl maker has introduced a motorcycle with an engine fueled by fertilizer. They’ll be for sale in the US next year where you can stop at any FOX affiliate for a fill up.  (Bill Williams)   

      Prince Harry is getting support at home over the controversy surrounding his game of strip billiards in Vegas. More than two-thirds of Brits say that it was perfectly acceptable behavior for a young, single guy. Guess they’re willing to stick it out with him. (Terry Etter)

      THE GOP CONVENTION

      This year the theme of the Republican convention is '50 Shades of White'. (David Letterman)  

      Did you all watch the Republican convention last night? It's good to see scripted television finally making a comeback. (Jay Leno)

      Sarah Palin can see the Republican Convention from her television. (Warren Holstein) 

      Cardinal Timothy Dolan will give the prayer at the GOP Convention this week. He is charismatic and persuasive. The Republicans interviewed clerics from every faith until they found one who they thought could talk God out of hitting them with a hurricane. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks performed at the Republican National Convention. Apparently he was hired because after putting up with Simon Cowell for several months, he's the only performer who was prepared to be in a stadium full of politicians. (Jim Barach)  

      According to politico.com, Donald Trump will have a surprise role on the first day of the Republican convention. He will be there to tell Missouri Congressman Todd Akin, "You're fired. (Jay Leno)

      Donald Trump didn't go to the Republican Convention. Everyone is blaming it on Hurricane Isaac. The Donald didn't want the storm to blow off his hair. I'm kind of sad he didn't show up because he was supposed to deliver a surprise. He was going to announce he wanted to fire all the Democrats in Congress. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Ann Romney spoke last night. I thought she was quite eloquent. Analysts say her role was to show that Mitt has a tender side. And then the Romney family dog gave the rebuttal. (Conan O'Brien)

      But the nominee's wife brought the convention audience to its feet with her closing endorsement of her husband: "I promise you that if you elect Mitt President of the United States, he will never give less than thirteen per cent." (Andy Borowitz)

      Ann Romney talking about middle class moms is like Chris Christie talking about a salad. (Denis Leary) 

      I loved Ann Romney's speech. She totally articulated how important it is to working moms that millionaires pay less taxes. (John Fugelsang) 

      Ann keeps saying Mitt makes her laugh. His sense of humor is more hidden than his offshore accounts and his tax returns. (Frank Conniff) 

      Thrilled Ann Romney says ModFam is her favorite show. We'll offer her the role of officiant at Mitch & Cam's wedding. As soon as it's legal. (Steve Levitan) 

      "Mitt has never let his success go to his head," Mrs. Romney said. "Take away the seven-thousand-square-foot house in La Jolla and the bank account in the Caymans, he's still the same fun-loving boy who pinned a gay kid to the ground and cut off his hair. (Andy Borowitz)

      Last night Ann Romney gave a decidedly pro-woman speech. The rebuttal was given by Todd Akin. (Gary Bachman)

      Clint Eastwood was the mystery guest tonight at the Republican convention. Finally, a senior citizen who scares Paul Ryan. (Conan O'Brien)

      At the convention tonight, the surprise speaker was Clint Eastwood. What's more surprising than a grumpy old white guy at the Republican convention? (Craig Ferguson)

      This whole bizarre speech given by Clint Eastwood was apparently a big misunderstanding. Clint Eastwood didn’t realize he was to direct his remarks to GOP chariman Reince Priebus when he was told to please address the chair. (Gary Bachman)  

      Clint Eastwood was supposed to talk for five minutes. He talked for 11.  Maybe the man Clint really should have been endorsing was Joe Biden. (Janice Hough)

      I thought Mitt Romney's wife Ann did a good job at the Republican convention. During her speech, she said after they got married, she and Mitt lived in a basement. It was a 2-room basement on the French Riviera. (Conan O'Brien)

      Tonight I hope Chris Christie explains why he thinks gay marriage would hurt his state more than Jersey Shore has. (Andy Borowitz)   

      Chris Christie was on stage for 16 minutes before he said Romney's name. He's on the stage for 30 seconds and he mentions Breyer's ice cream. (David Letterman)  

      Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham'. (David Letterman)   

      New Jersey's delegates put Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan over the top on Tuesday. All conventions are jokes but this one lays it right out. An auditorium full of Protestants nominates a Mormon and a Roman Catholic and a hurricane named after a Jew happens by. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney accepted the nomination to be the Republican candidate for president. Well, he paid for it so no big surprise huh? I mean if he had paid a half million for a new Ferrari and the salesman brought it around to the door, chances are good that he’d've accept that too.  (Jerry W.)     

      Mr. Romney made one reference to his running mate, Rep. Paul Ryan "Don't let his crazy rock-and-roll playlist fool you. He's serious about the important things: cutting taxes for the rich and ending Planned Parenthood." (Andy Borowitz)

      Monday night in Tampa, NJ Governor Chris Christie called California Governor Jerry Brown "an old retread." Guess we can see why Christie wasn't asked to introduce John McCain. An interesting thing about Chris Christie's speech last night, for the first 16 minutes he mentioned Mitt Romney as often as he mentioned George W. Bush. (Janice Hough)

      Ultimately, he ended his speech with a rousing call to arms that brought the Republican audience to its feet: "The road to the White House will be hard, and strewn with challenges. But together, there's nothing we can't buy." (Andy Borowitz)

      It makes sense that Republicans would flock to Tampa strip clubs. They love telling women what to do with their bodies. (Stephen Colbert)

      Mitt Romney accepted the GOP nomination for president Thursday before a roaring and cheering crowd of delegates in Tampa. His story is so inspiring. It shows that the multi-millionaire son of a multi-millionaire can beat the odds and succeed in America. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney cited his background Thursday when he said he's got the experience to turn the economy around. That's ominous for some. If he becomes president and starts selling the states that are unprofitable, California could be picked up by China in a fire sale. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ron Paul's backers rallied at the GOP convention in Tampa Monday. The campaign's timing was off. Ron Paul came out in favor of legalizing cocaine, pot and prostitution, but unfortunately not in time to be named Charlie Sheen's replacement on 'Two and a Half Men'. (Argus Hamilton)

      HURRICANE ISAAC

      A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States. (Jay Leno)

      Tropical Storm Isaac threatened the GOP convention with cancellation on Thursday as it headed towards Florida. Republicans know what to do during a hurricane. They ship all the Democrats to the Superdome in New Orleans and try to keep them from voting. (Argus Hamilton)

      Everyone is making contingency plans. Paul Ryan went to Florida early, Mitt battened down his hair, and Newt Gingrich says he likes hurricanes and said he looks forward to getting blown behind a dumpster. (Bill Maher)  

      Watching the hourly Isaac updates. Must say, in California we have our earthquakes but at least we don't have to stress out for a week in advance anticipating them. (Janice Hough)

      Actually Mitt Romney is worried sick about this hurricane. It could ruin everything. Not because of the convention. Because it's headed straight for the island where he keeps his money. (Bill Maher)   

      It looks like Hurricane Isaac has delayed the Republican convention for one day. This is a big storm. In fact, Isaac has scared more senior citizens than Paul Ryan. (Jay Leno)

      Hurricane Isaac caused the first night of the GOP Convention to be canceled Monday in Tampa. The convention was prepared for the hurricane. The Republicans came up with a faith-based evacuation plan which involves getting two of every animal onto a boat. (Argus Hamilton)

      Bush was once accused of directing a hurricane to destroy New Orleans because they weren't going to vote for him. Rush figured out that Obama learned how to do this and was getting revenge by doing the same thing to the GOP. (Kori)

      Tropical Storm Isaac veered west of Florida and toward Louisiana Monday searching for a place to blow ashore. It hasn't been easy. Isaac tried to make landfall in Tampa on Monday morning but at the last minute it was turned away by the GOP's strict voter-ID law. (Argus Hamilton)

      Some of the Republicans, I think, are over-reacting to Hurricane Isaac. Like today, Rick Santorum was seen gathering up two of every animal. (Jay Leno)

      Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do. (Jay Leno)

      It seems the GOP has placed 13,000 umbrellas in bins outside the hall for people to use. Delegates can't bring them inside for security reasons, so after you use the umbrella, you drop it off for the next person to use. That sounds like creeping socialism. (Jay Leno)  

      Hurricane Isaac is officially a Category 1 hurricane. It was so windy that gas stations needed three guys working outside — two to hold the ladder while the other guy climbed up to raise the prices. (Jay Leno)

      Amongst Louisiana's preparation for Isaac is the cancellation of classes for two days at LSU.   "Bummer", football players allegedly responded. "What's class?" (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney is considering a trip to the Gulf Coast after the convention. Where presumably Mitt will tell them they can fix and rebuild everything themselves, without asking for wasteful federal government help? (Janice Hough)

      As an act of private charity, I hear Mitt may show up on the Gulf Coast to rescue stranded pets, with his ready-made car roof carrier. (Janice Hough)

      If Hurricane Isaac causes less than expected damage to Louisiana how long will it take for Governor Bobby Jindal to stop asking for more federal government money and start complaining again about excess federal  government spending? (Janice Hough)
      -
      As Isaac moves on, looks like New Orleans, a very blue dot in a very red state, escaped with minimal damage compared to the conservative rural areas nearby on the Louisiana and Mississippi coasts. Waiting for the fire-and-brimstone sermons about God's intentions on this one. (Janice Hough)

      Hurricane Isaac turned out to be not much of a threat to the Republican convention. But to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter. (Jay Leno)  

      Got to love it - as the GOP bashes government spending in Tampa, Louisiana Gov. Jindal is complaining that President Obama's "limited federal declaration" of emergency doesn't provide for reimbursement of all expenses that the state is taking to prepare for the storm. And a full federal declaration would mean more federal money. (Janice Hough)  

      There is some good news for the GOP with Isaac. The storm has temporarily stopped work on rigs that produce 24% of the oil in the U.S. part of the Gulf of Mexico. Meaning higher gas prices they can blame on Obama. (Janice Hough)

      TODD AKIN & WOMEN

      Todd Akin is running for Senate in Missouri and he said if it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways of shutting the whole thing down. And then he made it worse by saying the medical term for this is Pussy Riot. (Bill Maher)

      But wait. The female body has ways of shutting this down? Not only is it absurd but it is the worst super power ever. (Bill Maher)  

      Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, was under fire for his controversial statements about women that are "legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant." This proved the premise that many candidates for political office are legitimately morons. (Steve Yeich)    

      Missouri Congressman Todd Akin refused to pull out of the Senate race after he said raped women can't get pregnant. The guy's not that modern. Todd Akin is from a part of Missouri which just assumes that Fifty Shades of Grey is a Confederate uniform catalogue. (Argus Hamilton)

      Todd Akin insists he's a fighter, that's he's not going to quit the race over a mistake. But the only "mistake" Todd Akin used was being candid with his thoughts. So Mr. Akin, I say this to you: leaving the race or leaving Congress is not about "quitting". All it is, is a matter of knowing the appropriate time to pull out. (D.L. Hughley)

      Rebecca Kleefisch :"Rape is a rape. I don't know how you can categorize it, and it's disgusting that Todd Akin would have tried to categorize it," The interviewing reporter then informed her that Ryan co-sponsored a bill with Akin aimed at categorizing rape. She replied, "Well, I think there is a way to have a more forcible rape, the same way there are different types of assault,"  (Rebecca Kleefisch, Lt. Gov., Wisc, REP.)

      I'm not surprised there are people in America who believe things like this. But usually they don't own shoes and they live in an abandoned school bus and they smell like urine. But this guy Akin, he went to college. He can tie a necktie, he doesn't smell like urine. That's the problem with America, we have a bunch of crazy people who clean up good. (Bill Maher)  

      Here we go again. Pennsylvania Senate candidate Tom Smith was asked about what he would do if a daughter or granddaughter were to become pregnant as a result of rape. Smith said that a family member went through "something similar" to rape: "Having a baby out of wedlock." (Janice Hough)

      What do you call thousands of women across North America taking part in topless protest marches on August 26? A. Too good to last. (RJ Currie) 

      The Republican National Committee issued a statement today indicating that due to Hurricane Isaac, the War on Women would be postponed until Tuesday. (Andy Borowitz)  

      Todd Akin is getting death threats. They have narrowed it down the list to all women, everywhere. (Bill Maher)  

      Strip clubs in Windsor, Ontario, are offering university tuition payments to attract young female employees. That's one way to get student enrolment to take off. (RJ Currie) 

      As much as the Republican establishment wants to denounce Akin and to make him quit, there's very little difference between what he says and what is in his platform. Their platform says no abortion, no exceptions -- not for rape, not for incest, not even for Snooki. (Bill Maher)  

      Marco Rubio last night said that the GOP "chose more government instead of more freedom." He apologized for the flub. But actually Rubio was being honest if you talk about marriage and women's reproductive health. (Janice Hough)

      CAMPAIGN POLITICS

      Mitt Romney went Birther today. He was in Michigan, where he was born, and he said, 'No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate.' Right, because you weren't born. You have a warranty card. (Bill Maher)  

      Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a campaign event at an apple orchard. There was one awkward moment when they told the granny smiths they were considering cutting their Medicare. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Chris Christie bashed California Governor Jerry Brown yesterday. He must be upset at all those folks fleeing the Golden State trying to sneak across the borders to New Jersey. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney pollster Neil Newhouse "We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers." Well, yeah, fact checkers use liberal commie-pinko stuff like math and science. (Janice Hough)

      Okay, two days into the GOP convention I think I've got this: America is in deep trouble, except in states with Republican Governors where everything is wonderful. (Janice Hough)

      A poll says that four in ten Americans say the President Obama and Mitt Romney are attacking each other unfairly. The other six are asking who are Obama and Romney? (Jim Barach)  

      MITT ROMNEY

      "Our opponents say that America is in decline, that it is no longer number one," Romney said. "I say our democracy is the best that money can buy." (Andy Borowitz)

      Mitt Romney vowed to green-light the Canadian oil pipeline and open up drilling in the U. S. Thursday in New Mexico. The candidate is a passionate supporter of fossil fuels. He thinks energy self-sufficiency is a dinosaur tied to the roof of the family station wagon. (Argus Hamilton)

      According to a new poll, Mitt Romney is at zero percent among African Americans. Here's the sad part: That's up 5 percent from last week. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney just insisted on Fox News that "there was no reduction -- not one dollar reduction -- in taxes by virtue of having an account in Switzerland or a Cayman Islands investment." Uh, if so, why would a smart man have the accounts in the first place? (Janice Hough)

      At a rally today, Mitt Romney accused the Obama campaign of continuing "to stoop to such a low level." And then presumably he closed with another birth certificate joke. (Janice Hough)

      There was an awkward moment for Mitt Romney today. He was practicing his speech and he took a pregnant pause and they made him carry it to term. (Bill Maher)  

      Mitt Romney drew howls of disbelief from Democrats Sunday when he confirmed his wife's statement that they shop at Costco. However, it's true. Just the other day Mitt Romney was comparison shopping at Costco because he's thinking about buying WalMart. (Argus Hamilton)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008. (Conan O'Brien)

      According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters. Well, you can understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can't find a job. (Jay Leno)

      RYAN & BIDEN

      I can't wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate. (Craig Ferguson)

      Joe Biden will campaign in Tampa to try to upstage the GOP Convention. He wants to win his title back. Last week Biden accused the GOP of favoring slavery, but after Todd Akin declared that raped women can't get pregnant, Joe had to settle for the silver in dumb. (Argus Hamilton)

      That VP debate is going to be a bloodbath. They say Paul Ryan has 6% body fat. I guarantee you Joe Biden has 8 between his ears. (Dennis Miller) 

      How many times a day do you think Paul Ryan calls Mitt "Dad" by accident? (Steven Amiri)

      Whatever you say about Paul Ryan as a running mate, I guess at least he doesn't put Mitt Romney in a position of running with a politician from Florida or Louisiana, who this week might need to ask for federal funds and help to deal with Hurricane Isaac. (Janice Hough)

      Paul Ryan’s plan to reform Medicare is real similar to a tornado’s plan to reform trailer courts. (Will Durst)  

      Joe Biden had actually considered attending the Republican convention this week, then he remembered he was a Democrat.  He was hoping he would find an audience that would actually laugh at his comments instead of just shake their heads and smirk. (Steve Yeich)

      Paul Ryan: "Obama sucks because he didn't have a time machine he could use to save factories that closed before he was President." (MikeDrucker)

      Paul Ryan delivers fiery convention speech, and instantly creates thousands of jobs -- for Democrat fact checkers. (Capitol Steps)

      Paul Ryan critcizing the stimulus is like Charlie Sheen criticizing the existence of hookers. (John Fugelsang)

      Paul Ryan fears college students looking up at fading Obama posters. Yeah, cuz if Obama looked white, all your supporters would vote for him. (Matt Goldich)

      THE CONGRESS

      Senate Democrats want money set aside to repair the Capitol Dome, which has fallen into disrepair and has more than 1,300 cracks in it. Which means it is in worse shape than the Senate which is also in disrepair with 100 cracks in it. (Jim Barach)

      THE COURTS

      Seems the U. S. government got snookered in grand fashion after a judge ordered online poker site Full Tilt to pay a $730,000 fine for luring players into a Ponzi scheme. Justice Department lawyers admit they were careless in specifying mode of payment - now they're trying to figure out what to do with 73,000 poker chips. (Bob Mills)

      THE STATES

      California is moving closer to banning 'gay cure' therapy for teens. People will believe there is a 'cure' for being gay when Richard Simmons settles down with Ellen DeGeneres. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Sarah Palin look-alike Lisa Ann performed at a Tampa strip club all during the GOP convention. In real life the stripper has a day job as a dental assistant in Beverly Hills. This could explain why all the professional athletes in Los Angeles have such great smiles. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Montana man was struck and killed by two consecutive cars Sunday night while trying to hoax a Bigfoot sighting. I guess you could say he was Sas-squashed. (Gary Bachman)

      The town of Camden, New Jersey will get rid of its police force due to budget woes. The ramifications are profound. Officials fear for the safety of the city's donut shops. (Alan Ray)

      Camden, New Jersey, one of the country's most dangerous cities is disbanding its entire 267 person police department. The only question is why is there any crime in the first place. If the people had enough money to get out of town, they would have been gone long ago. (Jim Barach)  

      A high school teacher in Texas could face up to twenty years in prison after allegedly having sex with four male students at one time.  When asked why she did it she said it was her way of protesting overcrowded classrooms in the schools. (Steve Yeich)

      Allen, Texas is building a $60 million high-school football stadium. Because it's Texas, this could be the practice field. (Gary Bachman)   

      U.S. POLITICS & POLITICIANS

      That 'old retread' California Governor Jerry Brown, 74, said he ran 3 miles in 29 minutes this week. And challenged Chris Christie to a footrace. Now there's a political contest I'd pay to see. (Janice Hough)

      THE ECONOMY

      A study says that half of all Americans die nearly broke. Of course, those are the ones who were wealthy until they had to pay all their medical bills. (Jim Barach)  

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      As part of a new security measure, Nike will no longer open its stores at midnight the day a new shoe is released. They say it will be much safer for everyone to get trampled to death in the morning. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Meg Whitman has been CEO since Sept 2011 of HP, which just recorded a record $8.9 billion quarterly loss. Though Whitman says the company is in the "early stages of a turnaround" she expects to take 5-6 years. Not quite the timetable she and others have set for President Obama. (Janice Hough)

      A survey says that workers will give up a percentage of their salary for more flexible work time. Companies are good with that. They will cut salaries and workers can stay as long as they want past quitting time. (Jim Barach)  

      GM and Chrysler won't permit presidential candidates campaign on company grounds. Although GM and Chrysler seem to be forgetting that the biggest owners of the companies are U. S. taxpayers who bailed them out, which means their plants are pretty much now public parks. (Jim Barach)  

      An English company that makes paper out of elephant dung claims it's ideal for greeting cards. Yep; nothing says love like, "Roses are red, this Valentine is poo." (RJ Currie) 

      TRANSPORTATION

      Auto industry experts say that the new 54.5 mpg rule by 2024 will change the way the industry operates. In fact, they are bringing in Wall Street Bank accountants to show them how to fudge the numbers to make it look like their mileage is meeting the new standards. (Jim Barach)  

      Seems that male car-buyers are longing to return to the past and are ordering twice as many manual shifts than in the past. Wives and girlfriends have to be reeducated. They think that thing on the floor is called a "clutch" because it's where you hang your handbag. (Bob Mills)

      President Obama is raising the fuel standard to 54.5 mpg, more than double the current rate by 2025. This will save consumers absolutely no money since oil companies announced their price at the pump in 2025 will be $12.50 a gallon. (Jim Barach)  

      A report says that American hotels are on track to take in $2 Billion in surcharges this year. The biggest money maker is charging for Internet access for people who want to get online to get into a better hotel. (Jim Barach)  

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Police arrested a 47 year-old man who, allegedly, spent 2 months trying to set up a sexual encounter with a dog on Craig's List.  It turns out he heard the term "doggy style" and he just really didn't understand it. (Steve Yeich)

      A former corrections officer in Ohio has been arrested for throwing two footballs filled with drugs into a prison yard. Apparently her defense is that she got the footballs after a preseason practice of the Cincinnati Bengals. (Jim Barach)  

      CURIOSITY, NASA & SPACE

      NASA has actually landed a car on Mars. It's called the Curiosity. That vehicle, now on Mars, cost two and a half million dollars. But when you drive that thing off the lot, instantly it's worth less than half that. (David Letterman)  

      Tomorrow the Mars rover is going to premier the new Black Eyed Peas song by beaming it back to Earth. In other words, the rover has turned against us. The machines have risen. (Conan O'Brien)

      Today the Mars rover broadcast a song by the Black Eyed Peas. So there you have it, folks. Mars really is uninhabitable. (Conan O'Brien)

      They test drove the Curiosity over the weekend and it was digging a hole. It got bigger and bigger, digging a huge deep hole. It's like Todd Akin. (David Letterman)  

      The Mars Curiosity rover did its test drive Thursday by rolling forward fifteen feet, then turning one hundred twenty degrees and backing up eight feet. Americans had one query. If you're only the car on the planet, why do you have to know how to parallel park? (Argus Hamilton)

      The Mars rover Curiosity is hitting the road. It’ll take weeks for the rover to reach a site called Glenelg about a quarter mile away. Weeks to travel a quarter mile? Curiosity must be being operated by a Florida senior. (Gary Bachman)

      The NASA rover Curiosity took its first test drive on the Martian surface this week and traveled just 15-feet. You'd understand why they kept the trip short if you knew the price of gas on Mars. (Frank King)