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267Weakly Humerus News 08-05-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Aug 12, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-12-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      I wouldn't say one man seems to be dominating Summer Olympics coverage, but NBC now stands for Nothing But Costas. (Brad Dickson)

      The Boy Scouts of American has announced that they will continue to enforce their policy of banning opening gay boys from being scouts and openly gay adults from taking leadership positions in the organization. Between this and same sex marriage, people really don't want gay people tying knots. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars. (Abbe Nelson) 

      Within minutes of landing on Mars, the NASA rover Curiosity ran over a cat and killed it. (Terry Etter)

      Scientists have discovered that bats usually eat flies that are having sex. Who knew it was so dangerous to fly united? (RJ Currie) 

      No news about Jerry Sandusky since he went to jail. He must be happy. Unless you are in solitary, the prisoners all shower together. (TC Chong)

      Michael Phelps girlfriend has been revealed.  That's a couple that needs to be using multiple methods of contraception because you know his sperm are going to be very good swimmers. (Steve Yeich)

      South African gold medalist Cameron Van Der Burgh admitted to cheating in the 100-meter breaststroke by kicking more than allowed at the start. That's dirty pool. (RJ Currie) 

      President Obama accused Mitt Romney Monday of pushing a tax plan that robs from the middle class to give to the rich. He called it Romney Hood. Until now Romney Hood was where the dog ends up on the family station wagon when he falls off the Romney Roof. (Argus Hamilton)

      DC Comics has made the Green Lantern gay. The superhero now fights against his arch nemesis. Chick Fil-A.  (Alan Ray)  

      THE OLYMPICS

      THE GAMES

      The U. S. is leading China in both number of gold medals and number of total medals. In response, China said that's nice but we still have all your money. (Conan O'Brien)

      All these world records in swimming. Wow. Of course, after Ryan Lochte's comments about what he does in the pool, maybe all the athletes have an extra motivation to get out of the water as soon as possible. (Janice Hough)

      Is London really the right venue for beach volleyball? Nothing says beach volleyball more than a cold, rainy day in east London. (Craig Ferguson)

      Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.  (Craig Ferguson)

      THE ATHLETES

      The Olympics end this weekend. Why does the tower of Big Ben remind folks of Michael Phelps' Olympic village room? "It goes bong, bong, bong." (Alan Ray)  

      Michael Phelps says he's has left the pool forever. BONG! The clock strikes 12. HOOKAH blame him? (TC Chong)

      Michael Phelps has expressed an interest in horse racing. Makes sense. Both he and thoroughbreds love grass. (Gary Bachman)

      Olympic gymnast Gabby Douglas became America's darling Friday when she won the gold medal. She spun in the air, twirled and flipped twice and landed squarely on her feet. President Obama called her and asked if she would be his new press secretary. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Olympics continue in London. By winning gold, the U. S. women's gymnastic team has really sent a message. "Moms, now will you please stop controlling us?"  (Alan Ray)  

      It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet. (Conan O'Brien)

      A German Olympic diver did one of the worst dives ever and got a score of 0.0. He tried to save face halfway through the dive. He yelled "cannon ball." (Conan O'Brien)

      In Olympic equestrian competition, Queen Elizabeth II's granddaughter won silver. I'm a little suspicious of favoritism because she didn't use a horse. (Brad Dickson)

      Any truth to the rumor that Men's trampoline gold medalist, Dong Dong, will be dating US Indoor volleyball opposite attacker, Destinee Hooker? (Based on comment by 'Rich' to Janice Hough) 

      Is there a better name for a shot putter than Dylan Armstrong? (RJ Currie) 

      South African gold medallist Cameron van der Burgh admitted to cheating in the 100-metre breaststroke by kicking more than allowed at the start. That's dirty pool. (RJ Currie) 

      It was not a good Olympics for the USA men's boxing team in London. Our 184-pounder was TKO'd by Camilla Parker-Bowles. (Brad Dickson)

      NBC

      NBC trying to get us to embrace the pain of their Olympic coverage - retitling the broadcasts "Fifty Shades of Delay." (Janice Hough)

      NBC Sports chairman Mark Lazarus defended his decision to broadcast the Olympics to the U. S. on tape delay. He said it was a profit-driven decision for the company and shareholders. Beyond that he would only reveal that Bruce Jenner just won the decathlon. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE CONTRAVERSIES

      Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker. (Conan O'Brien)

      Defending Olympic gold-medal champion race walker Alex Schwazer was kicked out of the London Games for blood doping. Cheating race-walkers? What's next? Quick, someone set up testing for the Professional Bowlers tour. (Janice Hough)

      At a press conference after being expelled from the Olympics for blood doping, racewalker Alex Schwazer cried and said he was actually happy he'd been caught, saying he wasn't "made to deceive people", and "couldn't take it anymore." Hmm, what Alex's next move, running for office? (Janice Hough)

      An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, "What are we fighting for, man?" (Conan O'Brien)

      Claiming that he had "inadvertently ingested food that contained marijuana," American judoka athlete Nicholas Deipopolo was thrown out of the London Games after a positive drug test. On an even more positive note, before departing London, he snagged a bronze in the hop, skip and jump bail. (Bob Mills)

      There were Chinese badminton players that got disqualified for throwing matches at the Olympics.  That's sad.  It ruins things for so many people, now whenever I beat my badminton opponent at a picnic I'll always be wondering if he let me win. (Steve Yeich)

      There were also badminton players from Indonesia and South Korea that were disqualified.  The official accusation was "conducting oneself in a manner that is clearly abusive or detrimental to the sport."  And for a sport that nobody watches except every 4 years in the Olympics or in the backyard at a picnic there's not a lot of wiggle room. (Steve Yeich)

      Almost eight years after the 2004 Olympics, the IOC is apparently going to strip Tyler Hamilton of his cycling gold medal for doping., and give it to Russia's Ekimov. "Wow, fast investigative work," said administrators at Penn State. (Janice Hough)

      OTHER

      As of Thursday, Canada's only gold medal came from Rosie MacLennan on the trampoline. For the rest of the team, the Olympics has been up and down. ((RJ Currie) 

      I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.  (Craig Ferguson)

      A former U. S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer. (Conan O'Brien)

      Today is gymnastics at the Olympics. I used to think gymnastics wasn't a real sport, just an excuse to wear a leotard. But I've learned something. I do not need an excuse to wear a leotard.  (Craig Ferguson)

      Anyone else who used to watch Jackie Gleason reruns think that synchronized swimming is basically the June Taylor dancers going to Sea World? (Janice Hough)

      Everyone’s got Olympic fever. Fred Willard wasn’t watching porn, he was practicing for the pole vault.  (Bill Williams)

      CURIOSITY

      The first photos are being sent back by the Mars rover Curiosity. Talk about ubiquitous. In one, you can see Bob Costas reporting on the Olympics. (Brad Dickson)

      The NASA rover Curiosity successfully touched down on Mars. It was followed by two Tim Tebow passes. (RJ Currie) 

      The Mars rover Curiosity has reached the red planet. In keeping with the Olympic gymnastics spirit, NASA officials said it stuck the landing. (Brad Dickson)

      Mars Rover is starting to send back pictures. After studying photos taken by the robot, scientists saying that mars resembles California. Both have large mountains, little water, and the possibility of hidden aliens. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Mars rover has landed. Scientists don't think it'll discover intelligent life. Just gun laws that allow mental health patients to buy guns.  (Alan Ray)  

      The digital photos and meteorological data being transmitted to earth from the Mars rover Curiosity has NASA staffers in a state of extraterrestrial euphoria. They had a party last night that went well past ten and reports are the Tang was flowing like water. (Bob Mills)

      NASA scientists celebrated after landing the Mars Curiosity rover on Mars Sunday. It wasn't long before the rover proved that there is life on Mars. They forgot to lock the rover when it landed and the next morning they discovered the CD player had been stolen. (Argus Hamilton)

      The world will be watching as the Mars Rover Curiosity attempts to learn if life could have survived on the planet. Not that we'll know the answer right away. NASA says that it takes 14 minutes for pictures sent from the rover to arrive back in Houston. That's because they hired scientists from the Post Office to handle communications. (Bob Mills)

      CHICK-FIL-A

      To discourage lesbianism, Chick-fil-A no longer allows female customers to order breasts or thighs. (Joan Rivers)

      What better way to stand up and say, "I oppose gay people's right to get married," than to head down to a Chick-Fil-A, grab a hold of two buttery buns, split 'em open and gobble down some of that hot greasy cock? (Jon Stewart) 

      This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Chick-Fil-A controversy has pitted brother against lower cholesterol brother. It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries. (Stephen Colbert)  

      MITT ROMNEY

      CAMPAIGN PROMISES

      "It's individuals and their entrepreneurship which have driven America. What America is not a collective where we all work in a kibbutz or we all in some little entity, instead it's individuals pursuing their dreams." (Mitt Romney, 08/07/12) Well, I'll give Mitt credit. At least he waited until he got back from Israel to really insult them. (Paul Benoit)

      To Romney, Real Americans are the financiers and the entrepreneurs who invest their money, and not the working man who must earn his wages from hard labor. Thus, it is truly American to close factories in the US and ship the jobs to China and India, if this will maximize profit. (Stan Kegel) 

      Mitt Romney is claiming he'll create 12 million jobs in his first term. However, Romney hasn't said whether he'll create those jobs in China or India. (Conan O'Brien)

      The exact words from a Mitt Romney campaign stop speech in Des Moines, Iowa: "People who receive payments from the government are going to be required to do work, not as a punitive measure but as a gift. Work is enhancing, work is elevating". For a shorter German version of "Work is enhancing, work is elevating", Google "Arbeit Mach Frei"  (Jerry W.)

      If Mitt really wants to get the Jewish vote, he should tell them that if he’s elected president he won’t have time to continue doing unrequested retroactive Baptisms for their dead ancestors. (Gary Bachman)

      V. P. CHOICE

      Ann Romney had tweeted Thursday that "in just a few short hours one lucky supporter will win the remarkable opportunity to meet Mitt and his VP pick in person." Leading to speculation the choice will be announced today. But hey, maybe a "few" hours is like a "few" million, different for the Romneys than for most people. (Janice Hough)

      Why is no one pushing for Mitt to select Meg Whittman to be his running mate? As a woman she can draw votes like Sarah Palin did for John McCain, and Mitt can draw from her vast experience in buying elections and dealing with horses. (Jerry W.) 

      An exhaustive manhunt that took months and spanned the country came to a dramatic end today as a less interesting person than Mitt Romney turned up in Wisconsin. This man is in fact the least interesting person in America," one Guinness official said, adding that Mr. Romney himself had held that title since 1947. The man of the hour laid out his vision of America, saying that billions of dollars could be saved by eliminating food, clothing, and shelter. For his part, Mr. Romney sounded a theme for the fall campaign: "It's time to transform America, and the two of us are both Transformers." (Andy Borowitz)

      THE OLYMPICS & WORLD TOUR

      The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold. (Conan O'Brien)

      Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya. (Conan O'Brien)

      Did Mitt and Ann fly home from London with Rafalca strapped to the wing of their private jet? (Marc Ragovin)

      Mitt Romney’s goodwill tour stumbled in Great Britain. That’s not the tough one. Like training for the Olympic hurdles and tripping over the curb. (Will Durst)

      FINANCES & TAX RETURNS

      Interviewer:  Let’s frame the issue around your tax returns in a slightly different way. If you’re an investor and you’re looking at a company, and that company says that its great strength is wise management and fiscal know-how, wouldn’t you want to see the previous, say, five years’ worth of its financials? Mitt Romney: I’m not a business. (Bloomberg/Business Week)

      Back on the domestic front, Mitt Romney still refuses to release his tax returns, but says that Harry Reid should reveal the source for his accusations. In other words, only the little people need to give out information. (Janice Hough)

      Romney: Don't call my tax plan #RomneyHood. Sure, it taxes the poor to give breaks to the rich, but it's an investment in rich people. (#RomneyHood)

      John McCain vetted 23 years of Mitt Romney’s tax returns and came to the decision that Sarah Palin was more qualified. Just saying. (Will Durst)

      Isn't it funny that the only person to see Romney's taxes - McCain - isn't calling Reid a liar. (#RomneyHood)

      I gave Sen. McCain 23 years of tax returns, and he picked Palin. Says it all. (#RomneyHood)

      Have to love all this GOP condemnation of Harry Reid's accusations about Mitt Romney's taxes. Where were they when Donald Trump was making accusations about Barack Obama's birth certificate? (Janice Hough)

      #RomneyHood where you do away with $1,000 child tax credit to give a $77,000 tax break on a horse to someone worth $250,000,000. (#RomneyHood)

      #RomneyHood is where you can be 65 yrs old & have $100 million in an IRA that only allows you to contribute $6,000 a year. (#RomneyHood)

      ROMNEYCARE

      Former steelworker blames Romney and the private equity firm he co-founded, Bain Capital, for shutting down his plant. The worker, Joe Soptic, says the closure resulted in his family losing health insurance and consequently his wife's death from cancer: "To that point, if people had been in Massachusetts, under Gov. Romney's health care plan, they would have had health care." (Romney campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul when asked about the criticism on Fox News)

      Anyone who donates to Mitt Romney, and I mean the big donors, ought to call Mitt Romney and say if Andrea Saul isn't fired and off the campaign tomorrow, they are not giving another dime because it is not worth fighting for this man if this is the kind of spokesman he has. There is no point in us going to a convention and pushing for this man if he's employing morons like this. (Ann Coulter)

      Andrea Saul's appearance on Fox was a potential gold mine for Obama supporters. They can say, "Romneycare was the basis for our health care." (Rush Limbaugh)

      ENDORSEMENTS

      Mitt Romney picked up the presidential endorsement of porn star Jenna Jameson this week. Just because she's a porn star doesn't mean there's nothing in Romney's record that she can appreciate. He did spend two years in Paris in the position of missionary. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Ex-porn star Jenna Jameson is endorsing Mitt Romney for president. I think that's appropriate. After all, they both support obscene business practices. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Hollywood porn movie star Jenna Jameson threw a wrench into the presidential race Friday by endorsing Mitt Romney. In some ways they're like two peas in a pod. Jenna Jameson is the only Republican in history who has taken more positions than Mitt Romney." (Argus Hamilton)

      OTHER

      Huffington Post claimed Mitt Romney's Bain Capital was funded by people connected to El Salvadoran death squads thirty years ago. That was a nasty crew. After working with them awhile, Mitt Romney understandably felt that firing people was the middle way. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney is on the campaign trail. His problem is connecting to blue collar workers. "Like you, I work hard to put chateaubriand on the table."  (Alan Ray)  

      Mitt Romney went grocery shopping in New Hampshire Tuesday. He really inspires others. By the time he left the store, the cashiers decertified their union, the butchers took over the produce department and the store manager was refusing to release his tax return. (Argus Hamilton)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      So the GOP is running a misleading ad saying Obama will let welfare recipients get away without working, when the administration has just implemented a strict waiver program that gives states more flexibility with the rules for things like job training. The waiver originally was pushed by Republicans, including, surprise, Mitt Romney. So besides the debates with Obama, this fall will we get to see Mitt Romney debate himself? (Janice Hough)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      GOP nominee for the Texas Senate Ted Cruz told reporters he'll be happy to work with Democrats, Republicans and even Martians if necessary. "Voters are taking him too literally. He just meant he'll sit down with anyone," said Cruz campaign spokesperson R2D2. (Bob Mills)

      THE CONGRESS

      House Republicans voted to extend the tax cuts to all, over Democrats who just want to tax the rich. Neither plan will get by the Senate. NFL coaches order their offensive linemen to read the Congressional Record every morning to improve their blocking skills. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MILITARY

      The top commander at Lackland Air Force Base was relieved of his duties over a sex scandal where allegedly "dozens" of female recruits were sexually assaulted or harassed by their male instructors. Proving once again the dangers of allowing heterosexuals in the military. (Janice Hough)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Mayor Bloomberg is saying now that he has banned large sodas in New York City, his next target is going to be alcohol. Once that's out of the way he'll start his crusade against the laughter of children. (Conan O'Brien)

      Mayor Mike Bloomberg came under fire Thursday for pushing breast feeding in New York baby wards. He's waged war on candy, fatty foods, cigarettes, colas and baby formula. Whenever he campaigns with Barack Obama they're billed as the Nanny and the Professor. (Argus Hamilton)

      Long Island's Tam O'Shanter Country Club was busted for using strippers to dance at tee boxes and hiring prostitutes to work in the clubhouse. The course is completely hidden behind trees. When Tiger Woods designs a golf course, he leaves nothing to chance. (Argus Hamilton)

      A 29-year-old woman who reportedly walks topless around New York City says she's fighting for equality. I'm thinking the campaign is a bust. (RJ Currie) 

      Retaining its reputation as one of the most health-conscious cities in the nation, San Francisco has banned smoking (except medical marijuana) at all public outdoor events. Next, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors has promised to address the increasing dangers of second-hand fog. (Bob Mills)

      A charter school in Louisiana is requiring girls to take a pregnancy test. It’s the one test where the odds of passing are definitely higher for those pulling an all-nighter. (Jim Barach)

      A Delaware doctor was arrested for waterboarding his 11 year-old daughter. The waterboarding not only was an effective disciplinary tool, but the daughter also gave up the location of al-Qaeda 's #2 leader. (Gary Bachman)  

      Doctors removed a spider hiding in a woman's ear canal. The spider crawled into her ear while she was at home sleeping. The woman needs to hire an exterminator. Hopefully someone will put a bug in her ear. (Gary Bachman)

      THE ECONOMY

      The number of S&P 500 companies paying dividends to shareholders is the highest in the past decade. Apparently they needed something to do with all the money they aren’t having to pay out in salaries since they laid off all their employees. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The Chevron oil refinery fire will apparently spike gas prices all over the West coast. That's okay, because when Chevron makes record profits they pass those on too by lowering the rates for consumers.... Oops, wait, never mind. (Janice Hough)

      The iPhone 5 is set for a September 15 launch. Technology gurus predict a faster speed. And that's just the user's driving.  (Alan Ray)  

      Denny's in Las Vegas will open a wedding chapel in the restaurant. It'll feature all the traditional symbols of a ceremony. The "something old" will be meat from the kitchen. (Alan Ray) 

      A man who ordered a television off of Amazon was shocked because Amazon instead sent him a rifle. Which means somewhere a hunter is trying to kill a deer by making it watch "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." (Conan O'Brien)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A poll says the TSA is more popular than Congress. But then so are bunions, telemarketers and the Kardashians. (Jim Barach)

      SECURITY

      Six people have been charged in smuggling cocaine and heroin inside pastries and chocolates. They were charged with importing dangerous substances. They also face charges for the cocaine and heroin. (Jim Barach)

      CANADA

      Canada has just revamped its antiquated liquor laws by allowing wine to be brought across provincial boundaries for personal use. What's happening with the wine flowing across the US/Canada border, asks the US Women's Soccer Team? (TC Chong)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Firefighters had to rescue a man in Dorset, England, after underpants he was drying in a microwave burst into flame. Considering what was on fire, it's a wonder anyone believed him, (RJ Currie)

      EUROPE

      Ukrainian feminists staged a topless protest in London near the Olympics.  No man in the audience knew or really cared why they were their but they did support their right to protest. (Steve Yeich)

      THE FAR EAST

      The Mirror reports a sex doll tied to a tree is helping to slow motorists at an intersection in Ningbo, China. I wonder if it's a red-light district? (RJ Currie)

      Do affluent Koreans say "Oh no, not Fido Mignon again!" (TC Chong)

      Details surrounding North Korea's Supreme leader Kim Jong Un's recent wedding are filtering out to the West. According to tradition, the bride wore something old (signed photo of Gen. MacArthur), something new (signed photo of Margaret Cho), something borrowed 
       (crown belonging to Queen Latifa), and something blue (Smurf lashed to her garter belt). (Bob Mills)

      HEALTH

      The hair loss drug Propecia is being linked to severe depression in men. Especially the ones who get their hair back and still can’t get any dates. (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Chevron's oil refinery caught fire near San Francisco, sending gas prices in California back over four dollars a gallon Wednesday. It's even worse in Los Angeles. The other day Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens were seen carrying their cars down Sunset Boulevard. (Argus Hamilton)

      SPORTS

      PENN STATE

      Penn State trustees are appealing sanctions, saying the NCAA did not give them "due process when it did not follow its usual investigation and enforcement procedures." Uh, what about the investigation and enforcement procedures for all the boys raped by Sandusky? (Janice Hough)

      BASKETBALL

      Dwight Howard to the Lakers. Well, this looks either like an NBA championship team, or one of the biggest ego-driven train wrecks in sports history. (Janice Hough)

      BASEBALL

      If the S.F. Giants' Barry Zito had pitched any better tonight, NBC would have had to tape-delay him. (Janice Hough)

      Ozzie Guillen recently called Bryce Harper unprofessional. Not to be outdone, Charlie Sheen said Harper is a drunk, Terrell Owens called him selfish and Paris Hilton said he's stupid. (RJ Currie) 

      FOOTBALL

      Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis imposed a ban on his players using Twitter. Good luck with that. It's probably the only Bengal behavior that can't be arrested. (RJ Currie) 

      New Orleans Saints Jonathon Vilma is suing the NFL for defamation of character. He's lucky Chris Berman isn't calling him Jonathon Vilma Flintstone. (TC Chong)

      Last night, Saints' lineman Sendrick Ellis tackled Arizona QB Kevin Kolb and knocked him out of the game. In previous years, Ellis would have received a $10,000 bonus for the hit. After the game ended yesterday, Ellis instead found a "Bounty" chocolate bar in his locker. (TC Chong)

      Shannon Eastin will this week become the first woman to be part of an NFL officiating crew. She will work the preseason game between the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers. Good thing Brett Favre has retired, could be distracting for her to referee the game AND ignore his texts. (Janice Hough)

      NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Thursday the NFL will begin using more female referees. This will progress just like women news anchors did. They'll start out earnest and competent, but in ten years it'll look like the NFL merged with the Lingerie Football League. (Argus Hamilton)

      UCLA football coach Jim Mora was bragging about his school, saying there are no murders within a block of the campus. O.J. Simpson’s Brentwood house was 2 1/2 blocks from UCLA. (Jim Barach) 

      Terrell Owens has signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe this is finally God's payback for Pete Carroll getting off scot-free when he left USC. (Janice Hough)

      On Terrell signing with the Seahawks: Nothing says NFL ready like being cut from an arena football team(Alex Schubert)

      Look for the NFL jerseys to be sporting small ad patches this season. Cash strapped and recently signed Seahawk WR Terrell Owens is already wearing a patch that says, ‘This space for rent’. (TC Chong)

      The Cowboys have apparently talked to Plaxico Burress's agent about signing the free-agent wide receiver. Could be a good fit - Dallas has a strong quarterback, a winning tradition, and loose gun laws. (Janice Hough)

      GOLF

      John Daly hit a golf ball out of Golf Channel host David Feherty's mouth. For some PGA players, it's not the first time Feherty's mouth was the source of a lie. (RJ Currie)

      OTHER SPORTS

      According to Wikipedia, a regulation shuttlecock is made from 16 or so overlapping feathers, usually goose or duck and from the left wing only. Wikipedia does not say why only left-wing feathers are used, or whether this causes the geese and ducks to fly in counterclockwise circles. (Dave Barry)

      A New York 16-year-old was crowned the top texter in the United States for the second year running at the National Texting Competition. Austin Wierschke was the big winner. The competitors faced off in three rounds -- texting while blindfolded, texting with their hands behind their backs and a Text Blitz round requiring them to speedily copy phrases. The teenager won a $50,000 prize. (Rich Hancock)

      ATHLETES

      Dennis Rodman reportedly met his father after a 42-year estrangement. It took a few minutes, but finally dad recognized his long-lost daughter. (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      There is a big Hollywood movie opening -- "Total Recall." It's a remake of the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. The new movie doesn't have Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's got Colin Farrell. I don't think Colin Farrell is a good replacement -- because he can act. Colin Farrell's character is a spy, and his wife is an assassin who's trying to kill him. That must be why they didn't bring back Arnold Schwarzenegger. He could never relate to a character whose wife wants to kill him. (Craig Ferguson)  (Craig Ferguson)

      The movie "The Lorax" is out on DVD today. Danny DeVito is the title character. It's an oddly shaped hairy creature that resembles a small walrus. So is the Lorax.  (Craig Ferguson)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Randy Travis was arrested for DUI after crashing his car. Officials said he was "naked, combative," and threatened police officers. "Drunk, naked, nasty and busted." Well, Travis is in a lot of trouble, but he's got some great starter lyrics for his next song. (Janice Hough)

      There's a feud going on between Elton John and Madonna. Yesterday Elton John said Madonna looks like a fairground stripper. I don't know about you but I hate to see two gay men fighting. (Conan O'Brien)

      Former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is on the move again; he was seen with a 25-year-old woman this weekend. Do you realize he has kids he doesn'

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