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266Weakly Humerus News 08-05-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Aug 5, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-05-12


      Mitt Romney said today that Harry Reid needs "to put up or shut up" with his accusations that Romney didn't pay taxes for years. Gosh, if there were only a way to settle this once and for all. (Paul Benoit)

      As much as half of India may now be without power. Clearly we need to blame Obama. (Janice Hough)

      NYC's Mayor Mike Bloomberg has now directed that mothers of infants should breast feed their babies rather than feed them formula with a bottle.  He is issuing waivers, however, for women whose breasts contain more than 16 ounces of milk. (Phil G.)

      Vice President Joe Biden said today that he had to ask his wife Jill to marry him five times before she said yes. Five times! Joe, that's not a proposal, that's harassment. (Jay Leno)

      A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it's definitely going to be thanks to the one percent. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mitt Romney is like George W. Bush and Sarah Palin combined, he’s the gift that will keep on giving to comedy writers until he finds a way to offshore them. (Jerry W.)

      GM is ramping up subprime loans on cars to drive up sales. Which means people who had their homes foreclosed on a subprime loan can now have the car they are living in repossessed the same way. (Jim Barach)

      Scandal at the Olympics, as the Chinese and South Korean women’s badminton teams have been accused of tanking early round games to ensure more favorable matchups after reseeding. Word is the authorities were tipped off by a little birdie. (Marc Ragovin) 

      The Seattle garbage strike continues. Both sides keep getting together, but it doesn't take long before it all turns to 'trash talk’. (Tim Hunter) '

      Two porn stars have come out in support of Mitt Romney, because if you know anything about porn, Mitt’s fiscal policies are the ultimate 'Money Shot'. (Bill Williams)

      Bizarre watching the Olympics on a European channel: No tape delay, no "up close and personal," just nonstop sports. What a concept. (Paul Benoit)

      A bare-chested woman roamed the streets of NYC to demonstrate against laws that prohibit women from going topless in public. No word yet on whether she got busted. (Gary Bachman)

      L. A. city workers have been asked to not stream Olympics online as it was coming close to crashing the city's computer system. Workers were told to go back to watching their usual online porn and Facebooking while on the job. (Jim Barach)


      Queen Elizabeth officially opened the 2012 London Olympics where she formally welcomed the athletes to the UK and wished them well for the duration of the Games. Unfortunately, when she was handed the Olympic torch, she became momentarily flustered and accidentally knighted Mitt Romney. (Bob Mills)

      The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider. (Conan O'Brien)

      Is it me, or did Queen Elizabeth look like she was on her way to the Tower of London for beheading? On second thought maybe she had first heard about Romney implying that London was safer during the Blitz.  (Mark Russejj)

      Britain's royals will be out and about during the Olympics, with Prince Harry down to attend beach volleyball matches. Of course he will. There wasn't much chance the married prince would get that 'assignment'. (Don Norcross)

      Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours. (Craig Ferguson)


      If NBC can only wait a little longer they will have one day's events shown after the next day's events actually happen. (Paul Benoit)

      Got to love it, now NBC is spoiling their OWN coverage. Moments before airing Missy Franklin's tape-delayed Olympic victory in the 100-meter backstroke, NBC ran a promo for Tuesday's edition of "Today" that said this: "When you're 17 years old and win your first gold medal, there's nobody you'd rather share it with." (Janice Hough)

      NBC apologized for spoiling swimmer Missy Franklin's gold-medal race with an ad during their coverage. How about forgetting the apology and showing things live? (Janice Hough)

      Are you all watching the Olympics? They're getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. This afternoon NBC apologized saying, "We're just not used to people watching our network!" (Conan O'Brien)

      NBC apparently showed a "wardrobe malfunction" in women's water polo, where a Spanish player's nipple was briefly exposed. In related news, ratings for women's water polo jumped 50%. (Janice Hough)

      If they made hot-dog eating an Olympic event where the US had a good chance for gold, Americans would tune in.  And NBC would tape-delay it. (Paul Benoit)


      The London Olympics are Finally Underway. Right now the United States and China are tied in total medals. Naturally the U. S. trails in gold because every time we win one we hand it over on the podium to pay off our national debt. (Stephen Colbert)   

      The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt. (Conan O'Brien)

      There are 200-plus countries in this year's Olympics: "So it's a lot like the Big East tournament, only smaller. (Brad Dickson)

      My personal challenge for this Olympics is watching beach volleyball and actually noticing the score. (Tim Hunter)

      So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them. (Conan O'Brien)

      Nigeria against the U. S.A. in men's basketball? Really? Why not something more competitive like Christians vs. Lions? (Janice Hough)

      The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The US Men’s basketball team just beat Nigeria 156–73. Afterwards, two Nigerian players asked Kobe and LeBron to help them transfer US$800M out of the their bank accounts as they had won a bet on the US giving up 77½ points. They would have asked Coach K, but he would have lost his amateur status. (TC Chong)

      The U. S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets. (Conan O'Brien)

      An Olympic tennis match between Canadian Milos Raonic and France’s J.W. Tsonga lasted 3hr 57m. The 3rd set alone lasted 3hrs. In case the players could not finish due to exhaustion, Daniel Craig (James Bond) and The Queen were put on standby to entertain the crowd with another appearance. (TC Chong)

      Canadian Olympic equestrian Hawley Bennett-Awad was thrown from the saddle, but she's reportedly in stable condition. And so is her horse. (RJ Currie)  

      Ann Romney's horse just insulted the Olympic judges, did 20 seconds of his routine and told the judges, "I've given you people all you need to see." (Bart Marion)

      The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold. (Conan O'Brien)

      China is doing very well in London. Viewers worldwide are watching them win medals, then turning on NBC’s delayed telecasts and seeing them win again half a day later. (TC Chong)

      A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name "Speedo." It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.  (Craig Ferguson) 

      Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut. (Craig Ferguson)

      When are we going to see Women’s Beach Baseball, Beach Football, Beach Hockey, Beach Curling, Beach Soccer, Beach Badminton, Beach Basketball, Beach Poker, Beach Horseshoe Pitching, or Beach Frisbee Golf? (TC Chong
      The word "sailing" sounds cool. It sounds better than "yachting," which sounds like something Mitt Romney does in his indoor lake. (Craig Ferguson)

      Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.(Craig Ferguson) 


      Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore’. (Conan O'Brien)

      Putting Michael Phelps' record Olympic medal haul in perspective: He has more medals than 158 countries that are competing in London. (David Whitley)

      Michael Phelps has expressed an interest in horse racing. Makes sense–both he and thoroughbreds love grass. (Gary Bachman)  

      Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping -- and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass! (Stephen Colbert)   

      Missy Franklin, who will be a high school senior this year, won a swimming gold medal for the U. S. in the 100 meter backstroke. The only unhappy people in America? Other high school seniors competing against her for college admissions. (Janice Hough)

      Ryan Lochte's mom is saying the swimmer is "always on the go" and so just "goes out on one-night stands" Not only is Lochte trying to take the title of "Top Male Swimmer" from Michael Phelps, he's also competing for having the "Most Embarrassing Mother." (Janice Hough)

      South Korean archer Dong Hyun set an Olympic archery record for the most number of bulls-eyes in Friday's qualifying round even though he's legally blind. No one gave him much of a chance. The archery venue was only able to sell tickets for seats behind him. (Argus Hamilton)

      France's Yannick Agnel won Gold in the men’s 200m freestyle, posting the fastest time since bodysuits were banned. Now you're up to Speedo. (RJ Currie) 

      A Chinese Women's swimmer was so fast in the 400 meter IM, that her last leg was actually faster than the men's winner, Ryan Lochte. Something may be going on with the Chinese women swimmers because she also smashed the all-time record held by Flipper. (Brad Dickson)


      Olympic officials said Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a headscarf. A Saudi woman said she's thrilled about the ruling. All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics. (Conan O'Brien)

      Kim Yoo Suk is a Korean pole vaulter competing in London. Hasn’t his surname has been chanted by fans at Maple Leaf games? (TC Chong)

      Vanessa Bryant is reportedly upset at Kobe for a photo taken of him at a Team USA party. Which means that he has just gone from playing for the gold to playing for the diamond. (Bill Littlejohn)

      I’m wondering if Michael Phelps ever checked those gold medals he won in Peking for lead content. (TC Chong)

      The Dutch Olympic women's field hockey team has created a stir for its players' good looks – yes, this type of thing happens every four years. It reminds me of the years when the lookers were the Bulgarian weightlifters and the East German swimmers. (Cam Hutchenson)

      Those Olympian Chinese women athletes really have everything any normal guy could ask for, and I’m talking about wide shoulders, a deep voice and a mustache. (Jerry W.)

      An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming. (Conan O'Brien)


      The liberal media has been hounding Mitt throughout the trip for a couple of hiccups. Like when he offended the English when he questioned whether London was ready for the Olympics. Why is that controversial? Every week Hank Williams Jr. questions whether Americans were ready for some football. (Stephen Colbert)   

      Really, Olympics? The best you can do this time around are badminton and Twitter scandals? (Tim Hunter)

      At the Olympics, accusations that some of the badminton athletes weren't trying. Only one question: How could you tell? The tricky part is getting witnesses and finding anyone who will admit they were watching badminton. (Tim Hunter)

      Eight female Olympic badminton players were expelled for trying to lose on purpose. They should move here and run for office as Democrats. (Will Durst)  

      Eight women badminton players from China, South Korea and Indonesia were kicked out of the Olympics for alleged match throwing. (Trying to lose early matches, for easier matches later.) And who says women are not as competitive as men? (Janice Hough)

      Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic. (Conan O'Brien)

      Badminton players from several nations were DQ’d when they were caught losing games on purpose in order to play inferior opponents. We tried that, said NY Islanders execs, but the NHL still wouldn’t let The Bolivian Hockey team into our division. (TC Chong)

      Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost? (Conan O'Brien)

      As a result of the badminton teams cheating, a suspicious cloud now appears over the other backyard-party-inspired sports like horseshoes, water balloon-tossing and the potato sack races. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A South Korean flag was mistakenly displayed on a video board during introductions of North Korea's women's soccer team before its first Olympic match. It's times like this I really miss Sarah Palin. (Janice Hough)

      North Korea's women's soccer team walked off before Thursday's match. Organizers accidentally displayed the South Korean flag and the North Koreans were outraged. They will never be able to go home now that they know what it is like to be angry and have food. (Argus Hamilton)

      While watching China in Olympic volleyball: I wonder if their uniforms were made in the USA. (Chad Picasner)

      150,000 condoms were handed out to the athletes at Olympic Village. Remember, this is England, what did you expect to be given away, 150,000 packs of dental floss? (TC Chong)

      You have to give these athletes credit. They are inventive if nothing else when it comes to the use of banned substances. The Hungarian hammer thrower's urine sample was clean but they discovered that it showed evidences of being an accumulation of several different people. Apparently he smuggled in this sample with the use of a fake penis. His name, oddly enough, is Adrian Annus, and that's as far as I'll go. (Chad Picasner)

      The IOC is investigating the Irish team for gambling winnings. They uncovered The Irish Olympic Team was entirely funded by wagers against the Carolina Bobcats and Houston Astros. (TC Chong)

      China's teenage Olympic swimmer Ye Shiwen won two gold medals with astonishing times Tuesday, prompting doping suspicions. The genetic manipulation is a mixed bag. The gills help her to move faster in the water but the penis slows her down. (Argus Hamilton)


      Hundreds of fans were refused entrance to the Olympic archery venue Friday because they'd purchased counterfeit tickets. Moral of the story: It pays to deal with straight-arrows. (RJ Currie)

      Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans. (Conan O'Brien)


      Olympic Gold Medal winners also get a $25,000 prize which means American winners owe the IRS nearly $9,000. What's worse is that they now have to declare all those free condoms the Olympic Committee is giving all the athletes. (Jim Barach)

      McDonalds is the official restaurant of the Olympics. That must mean Jack Daniels is the official beverage of the Betty Ford Center. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Pole dancers want to be a part of the Olympics in 2016. That would make the women's volleyball players look like they are overdressed. (Jim Barach)

      The UK's David Icke claims the London 2012 opening ceremony was a secret Satanic ritual. Mr. Icke shocked Britain in 1991 when he announced he was the son of God and predicting that the world would end in 1997. Now he has resurfaced to insist that Danny Boyle's spectacular was a "mass satanic ritual disguised as a celebration of Britain and sport". Icke claimed the giant bell rung during the ceremony was tuned to a frequency which could be heard by a group of Satanists who secretly rule the world. (Rich Hancock)


      Okay, I think I understand Romney's position of the day on the economy. The 163,000 jobs created last month were in spite of Obama. The 8.3% unemployment rate is all his fault. (Paul Benoit)

      I can see why Romney is upset with the press - they actually quoted him & the campaign correctly. (Paul Benoit)

      Concerned that her endorsement of former Massachusetts governor would lead to "cheap, easy jokes and innuendo," Porn star Jenna Jameson held a press conference to explain her decision to endorse Mitt Romney for President. When asked what initially appealed to her about Mr. Romney, Ms. Jameson said, "He's the only person who's assumed more positions than I have." She said that she was particularly impressed by his tenure at Bain Capital: "There's nothing more American, I think, than screwing people you don't know for money. Mitt Romney will do to all of America what I have already done to half of America." (Andy Borowitz) 

      Mitt Romney's campaign denied responsibility for a London newspaper that quoted an unnamed source saying Obama doesn't understand Anglo-Saxons. The source has not been revealed. Half the fun is turning on Fox News just to watch everyone act innocent. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney is promising 12 Million new jobs in four years. Apparently 6 Million of those jobs will be for India, the other 6 Million for China. (Jim Barach)

      Mitt Romney had a heckuva time getting his horse to the Olympics. For one thing, the horse wouldn’t stay still while being tied to the top of the family car. And driving through the Atlantic Ocean took forever. (Jerry W.)

      Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he's made while he's in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Following Mitt Romney's Foreign Affairs Tour (starring Mitt Romney as Chevy Chase), during which:  Romney wondered aloud if London was ready to host the Olympics., jprior to the opening of the Olympics in London. Romney, in Israel, lauded the way the Jews had a glorious culture of making money, while those Palestinians, behind their walls and checkpoints, just can't seem to make nothin' outa nothin'. In Poland, after visiting their Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, an aide to the Romney campaign rebuked reporters trying to ask questions  (how "dare" they ask questions!, telling them to "Kiss my ass! This is a Holy site for the Polish people -- show some respect!" Campaign adviser Stuart Stevens gushed, "I think it was a great success." (Paul Benoit)

      All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of '1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die’. (Stephen Colbert)   

      Frankly, I think we should be grateful that Romney wrapped up his foreign trip without starting World War III.  (Andy Borowitz)

      The errors made on his European and Middle Eastern tour to get votes in America are reported to have left Mitt Romney very shaken. If you’re familiar with his “Etch A Sketch” roll model, you can be sure that this will have an affect on his campaign waffling, depending even more than usual on what he thinks people want to hear that day. (Jerry W.)  

      An analysis says that Mitt Romney's tax plan would provide the most benefit for high income families. That could change if Romney ever leaves his neighborhood and finds out there are actually people in the U. S. who are not as rich as he is. (Jim Barach)


      President Obama began running on Bill Clinton's economic program Friday. He says his tax hikes on the rich balanced the budget and began a boom. However, no one minded higher taxes under Bill Clinton because people got their money back in adult entertainment. (Argus Hamilton)

      Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney's trip to London. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama told Oakland Democrats to fight for his re-election this year. They put a slight reverb in his microphone that gives his voice the sound of God. He's doing all he can to win the gun-owner vote by sounding as much as possible like Charlton Heston. (Argus Hamilton)


      Dick Cheney said John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as a running mate was a "mistake." He also said Thomas Jefferson should not have had to be John Adams's vice-president. (Cam Hutchenson)


      Harry Reid speculates Mitt Romney didn't pay taxes for 10 years. Here's a rule of thumb. If you have to follow your claim with the words "I don't know if that's true," then shut up. Otherwise you might as well put a dead cocker spaniel on your head and start yelling about birth certificates. (Jon Stewart)

      Republican: "Wow, it was really irresponsible of Harry Reid to say someone told him Mitt Romney had paid no taxes of the past decade." Democrat: "How so?" Republican: "Well, Reid doesn't have any proof. He's just got speculation." Democrat: "And you think if he's going to make a claim about what's in Mitt Romney's tax returns, then he should offer proof?" Republican: "Exactly." Democrat: "Fair enough. But by that standard shouldn't Romney prove that he's telling the truth about his returns?" Republican: "This isn't about Mitt Romney. It's about Harry Reid." (Jed Lewison)

      John Boehner said that Barack Obama never had a real job. Boehner once had a real job, then he became a Congressman. (Gary Bachman)

      Congress will adjourn this week after avoiding a budget showdown. They live by one motto. If you're elected to Congress and have the choice of breaking your word to the people or to the lobbyists, break your word to the people, because the lobbyists remember. (Argus Hamilton)


      New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg moved to restrict formula milk in hospital baby wards to promote breast-feeding. It could be a problem. Due to his law against drinks more than sixteen ounces, mothers could be arrested if they have breasts larger than a Big Gulp. (Argus Hamilton)

      An enterprising young dog breeder is allowing tourists to exercise her dogs in New York's Central Park and charging them $15 an hour for the privilege. Kind of reminds me of an escort service I once availed myself of during my bachelor days. They also cost $15 an hour and they were dogs. (Bob Mills)  

      The Los Angeles City Council voted to ban medical marijuana sales at the city's 790 dispensaries. Well, that'll cut down on players demanding a trade to the Lakers or Clippers. (Dwight Perry) 

      A bird exploded in a ball of blood and feathers when it collided with a rider aboard the 45-story Kingda Ka Rollercoaster at a Six Flags in New Jersey. They're thinking of renaming the ride 'The Big Unit'. (Bill Littlejohn)

      A Tennessee man assaulted his girlfriend when he saw a picture of Mitt Romney on her Facebook page and thought it was a romantic rival. If she had just put a picture of George W. Bush on it instead he would have thought she was reading Mad Magazine. (Jim Barach)

      A couple in Kansas was arrested for attempting to have sex inside a Wal-Mart store.  A new standard for the Ultimate Cheap Date has been set. (Tim Hunter)


      A federal report says the south San Francisco Bay Area is the nation's strongest job market. Mostly because there is a constant turnover as people are considered too old for tech jobs once they hit 26. (Jim Barach)



      The Henson Company, creators of the Muppets, abruptly severed their long-standing promotional ties with the nationwide Chic-A-Fil Restaurant chain for their stance against gay marriage. Chick-Fil-A promptly responded by condemning the Muppets' inter-species romance between a pig and a frog that they contend clearly violates at least three biblical prohibitions. (Bob Mills)  

      Chic-fil-A executives have created a new ad campaign designed to reach out to those in the community that they have recently bitch slapped. Their new ads will say “We welcome those of you of the gay persuasion to stop in for a chicken sandwich. Please use our rear entrance, which you should already be very familiar with.” (Jerry W.)

      When you stop for lunch at Chick-fil-A, be sure to try our Chicken Sharia© Sandwich. You’ll find it has that old fundamentalist style flavor, one that will take you back thousands of years to the time when men were men and camels ran scare. (Gary Bachman) 


      New Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer is going to give employees at company headquarters free lunches. You know what they say? (Cam Hutchenson)

      Best Buy will eliminate 2,400 jobs. Most of the layoffs affect employees who don’t come into contact with the public. The floor clerks. (Alan Ray)


      Last week, sewing needles were found in six sandwiches on a Delta flight to Holland, and now a needle showed up in a sandwich on an Air Canada flight. Police are baffled as to who’s doing it. They don’t have a thread of evidence. (Terry Etter)

      As you have no doubt heard, an Air Canada passenger found what appeared to be a sewing needle in a sandwich. Really? People still eat on airplanes? (Cam Hutchenson)

      Airfares are expected to drop up to 20% during the fall season. Mostly because airlines will then jack up their luggage and other extra fees by 140%.(Jim Barach)


      The more that comes out on this idiot psycho, James Holmes, the more hated he becomes. And he started out at killing-12-wounding-52 kind of hated. (Alex Kaseberg)

      That killer guy in Colorado has orange hair. I don't know which is more pathetic…Killing all those people just to get attention, or having Carrot Top as your role model. (Bill Williams)

      Colorado shooter James Holmes was indicted in state court on two dozen counts of murder Monday. At least they got him. If he'd pulled off this crime at the Olympics, he could have escaped and flown to Switzerland before anybody saw what happened on NBC. (Argus Hamilton)


      A New York woman who spends her days walking around the city topless says she's fighting for equality. Moira Johnston, a topless dancer from Philadelphia, says she is exercising her legal right to take off her shirt. She became a bare breast activist after she was banned from a yoga studio after going topless in class, something men were freely doing. Since May, she has been seen strolling around the city's East Village topless to remind women that, under New York law, they have the right to bare their chests, just like men. (Rich Hancock)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA is set to land the six-wheeled Curiosity rover on Mars next week. The rover has an arm with a drill and a pick and a laser gun that vaporizes large rocks. The NCAA just bought one so they can destroy coaches' statues before they become an embarrassment. (Argus Hamilton)


      The United Nations began pushing an initiative Friday that calls for the legalization of prostitution worldwide. Response was swift. The Nevada legislature immediately demanded that the U.S. pull out of the U.N. before any more damage is done to the economy. (Argus Hamilton)


      What’s the reason Canada’s penny will be taken out of circulation next year instead of by November as originally planned? a) Retailers said it would kill holiday sales; or b) CFL players said it would kill Grey Cup bonuses. (RJ Currie)

      A Canadian man from Ontario accidentally shot himself in the forehead while trying to kill a mouse with the butt of his rifle. (Chad Picasner)


      The newly-elected Mexican President Felipe de Jesus Calderon Hinojosa has vowed to work hand-in-hand with Americans to quell increasing violence along our mutual border.  For it's part, the U.S. has agreed to limit gun sales to Mexico by the Justice Department and to destroy all remaining prints of 'The Three Amigos'. (Bob Mills)


      A British member of Parliament says Kate Middleton may be pregnant, and if she is it would be good for the British economy. So finally someone has figured out what the Royal Family does to earn their keep. They reproduce. (Jim Barach)

      Police in Devon, England, are looking for a transit passenger who caused $316 damage to a leather seat by eating part of it. This puts a whole new spin on bus fare. (RJ Currie) 

      What's with Brits calling Roger Bannister 'Sir?' In Canada our best runners are called 'wanted' or 'at large. (RJ Currie)


      An Ebola outbreak has prompted the president of Uganda to urge the people in the east African country to avoid physical contact including kissing and handshakes. In a related story, Bill Clinton has canceled a planned trip to Uganda. (Gary Bachman)

      Here's a gruesome story; a Nigerian man was beaten to death by five of his wives. The five wives attacked the man and killed him while he was having sex with the sixth, his youngest wife. Police said he died doing what he loved most - the youngest one. I don't know who this Nigerian guy is, but I hope it's that stupid prince that keeps emailing me asking me for money. (Jay Leno)


      Military forces of the Syrian government have stepped up their attempts to regain control of rebel-held areas in war-torn Aleppo using massive attacks of artillery, ground forces and airborne assaults on rebel forces by heavily- armed helicopter gunships. Asked for her reaction, Michelle Bachman told reporters that she hopes the dog food factory is spared. (Bob Mills)  


      Embarrassed officials in Beijing recently admitted that eighteen Chinese cops were dispatched to save a drowning swimmer in the Yangtze who turned out to be an inflatable plastic sex toy. The Taiwanese manufacturer filed a lawsuit alleging "undue adverse publicity causing loss of sales." The case was thrown out for lack of evidence. Three of the cops are engaged to Exhibit A. (Bob Mills)  

      A Chinese man claims he had his penis stolen by thieves while he slept. At least he had nothing valuable taken–just junk. (Gary Bachman)


      A blackout left 300 million people in India without power today. No wonder I couldn't get any tech support. (Gary Bachman)

      India suffered power blackouts Tuesday that left three hundred million Americans without tech support. It was chaos. India's government issued a statement urging Americans to turn the computer off for five minutes, turn it back on, and see if that works. (Argus Hamilton)

      A power outage in India has left half of that country without power. Ironically, someone from the power company had to call the U.S. for tech support. (Tim Hunter)

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