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263Weakly Humerus News 07-14-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Jul 14, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-14-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Mitt Romney is said to have offshore bank accounts. Barack Obama is said to have an offshore birth certificate. So they're even again. (Lee Bradley)

      North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un likes to watch shows performed by Disney characters. It’s his way of telling the world that his government is a Mickey Mouse outfit. (TC Chong)

      Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else's marriage. (Jimmy Fallon)

      BTW, can't you just see it, thirty years from now, some election poster by a right winger heir of the teabaggers: "KEEP YOUR GOVAMENT HANDS OFF MY OBAMACARE!!!" (Paul Benoit)

      NASA discovered that Pluto has five moons. We have just one moon. We're moon-ogamous here on planet earth. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Newly-designed talking urinals are being installed in U.S. pubs in a campaign to stop drunk driving. When Charlie Sheen heard about it he said, "Talking urinals are new?" (RJ Currie) 

      The University of Pittsburgh signed a place-kicker named Chris Blewitt. He’s already been named Player of the Year by the National Headline Writers Association. Now Steve Pederson and Pitt coaches are focused on landing receiver Matt Oops and running back Ricky Butterfingers. (Brad Dickson) 

      Republican leaders said we need what they describe as a plan "to grow jobs." I'm wondering if they'll grow on trees or vines. Well, we know a Bush won't work. (Nancy Jo Perdue) 

      Roger Federer won his seventh Wimbledon. He has done better on grass than Willy Nelson. (Alex Kaseberg)

      At a democratic fundraiser in Seattle earlier this week, Vice President Biden said that Romney's economic policies were 'George Bush on steroids' as opposed to Obama's policies, which are 'Jimmy Carter on Ambien'. (Jay Leno)

      THINGS ROMNEY SHOULD HAVE SAID TO THE NAACP

      I'm sure you people are really excited that the Mormons have been letting black people in for 34 years!

      I want to deport all the Mexicans so you can take their jobs picking produce for less than minimum wage!

      In my defense most of the people I laid off and stole pensions from when I was at Bain were white.

      My grandad used to own your grandad. So it's like we already know each other.

      Trust me, if there is anyone out there who enjoys putting black people to work, it's me!!

      Some of my best friends' servants are black.

      I have great respect for you people, my first cleaning lady was a black.

      I am in no way racist. I would fire you no matter where you came from.

      My family has employed a lot of your people over the years.

      Look, if I would've been around in the 19th century I would have outsourced slavery to Asia and freed you.

      Sure slavery was a bad thing. I get it. But at least there were jobs for everyone.

      Look. I know people say I have money but let's be clear, I don't have any on me right now.

      (From Twitter #ThingsRomneyShouldSaytotheNAACP, reported by Paul Benoit)

      HIGGS BOSONS

      Rocket Scientists of the month: Four physics students at a university in London have concluded a study that Batman would not be able to fly or even glide with his cape. Their next project is to find a piece of Kryptonite and see if it has any effect on people named Clark Kent. (TC Chong)

      Swiss physicists announced they discovered the God Particle Thursday. This particle forms all atoms and generates all mass and provides for all the power in the universe. They cannot use it to power a car because God already powers the eight-cylinder Corvette. (Argus Hamilton) 

      President Barack Obama told a crowd of blue-collar workers that there have been more Higgs bosons discovered during his administration than during those of both George Bushes combined. (Author Unknown)

      Mitt Romney said that when he called for an American effort to beat the Europeans in particle physics research, he did not actually mean spending money to build a supercollider, but merely "the need for our physicists to think harder." The Republican presidential contender said he believed this could be accomplished by "the elimination of onerous, physics- research-killing regulations." (Author Unknown)

      Rick Santorum denounced the European Organization for Nuclear Research for discovering something that is nicknamed the God particle. "If God had wanted there to be a particle, he'd have given it to Adam and Eve," said Santorum, who is traveling through the Hawkeye State this week because, really, he doesn't have much else to do. (Author Unknown)

      Donald Trump told reporters that "my people in Hong Kong" have uncovered evidence that America's failure to take the lead in subatomic particle research was because of a conspiracy between the Obama administration and unnamed Chinese industrialists. He also said that he had invited the Higgs boson to be a contender on "All-Star Celebrity Apprentice." (Author Unknown)

      Scientists in Switzerland held a news conference last week to announce the discovery of the “God Particle”. Here in Canada, Brian 
      Burke announced that contrary to popular belief, it was not found behind his right ear. (TC Chong)

      PENN STATE

      Former PSU pres. Graham Spanier told university investigators that he was never told that Jerry Sandusky was seen molesting a boy in a school shower. Ah for the good old days of being a scumbag. It was so much easier to burn notes than to erase emails. (Janice Hough)

      TOM & KATIE CRUISE

      Katie Holmes was given role of primary caretaker of her daughter Suri in the divorce proceedings. The judge decided that simply holding the test tube for the donor did not carry as much weight as Tom Cruise had anticipated it would. (Jerry W.) 

      Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes child has bangs; she could be called Suri with the fringe on top. (Robert Ford)

      Wow, last week was tough on the couch industry--Tom Cruise stopped jumping on his and Ann Curry got kicked off hers. (Tim Hunter

      Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have already reached a divorce settlement. TomKat has been officially neutered. (Tim Hunter)

      Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reached a sudden and amicable divorce settlement on Monday. She was shrewd to file in New York. Under California celebrity law a star is entitled to kill his wife if you can show that the glove didn't fit, you were in the restaurant when she was shot in the parking lot, or you were asleep on the yacht when she drowned. (Argus Hamilton)

      Katie holmes has divorced Tom Cruise. The divorce was finalized today, just 11 days after it was filed. That Legal Zoom is amazing, and for just $25. (Jay Leno)

      Tom Cruise reached a divorce settlement with Katie Holmes Monday. He offered her a ton of money and their daughter to go away and never reveal his private behavior to reporters. Tom jumped up and down on his attorney's couch when she agreed to stay quiet. (Argus Hamilton)

      MITT ROMNEY

      Mitt Romney gave a speech at the annual NAACP conference in Houston. Why, I don't know. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR. The event got off to a bad start when Romney pulled up in front of the convention center and he instinctively locked the doors to his limo. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      In a interview, Mitt Romney said he doesn't know where his financial records are because he doesn't manage them. Yeah, he would have said more, but he had to give a speech on why he's the perfect guy to fix the economy. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Romney isn't very popular among African-American voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among African-American voters than Mitt Romney. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white. (Jay Leno)

      An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs. (Jay Leno)

      So Mitt Romney got himself media coverage by telling the NAACP he would repeal Obamacare. Maybe time for President Obama to speak in front of the "National Organization for Marriage" trumping his support for same-sex unions. (Janice Hough)

      There's now a big controversy after a liberal group made a video saying Mitt Romney is too white for black people. Too white for black people? Mitt is too white for white people. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney is now promising conservatives that if he is elected, he will put Anderson Cooper back in the closet. (David Letterman)

      Rush Limbaugh today said that Mitt Romney speaking before the NAACP "sounded like Snow White with testicles." "Snow White with testicles?" Uh, doesn't that put a less than family values spin on her living with those seven little men? (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney, who earned $374,000 in speaking fees in one year according to according to his personal financial disclosure stated in January, ''I get speaker's fees from time to time, but not very much.'' Well, he's right. $374,000 is likely less than one day's income on his investments in companies whose factories he closed in the U. S. while outsourcing the jobs to China. (Stan Kegel)

      Mitt Romney is on the campaign trail. How are his policies different than a crowded Florida beach? The crowded Florida beach has fewer flip flops. (Alan Ray) 

      Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, "Mitt, how did you get so much money?" He said, "You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup." (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney is worth $250 million, and reporters said, "Mitt, honestly, how did you get so rich?" And he said, "Well, I've always been good with my money and I do smart things. I always make sure my tires are properly inflated. And I save 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico." (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney’s advisers say that his Swiss and Cayman Islands bank accounts are all part of his longstanding practice of investing globally. Hence his new campaign slogan: Putting America Somewhere Between First and Sixth. (Marc Ragovin) 

      According to Mitt Romney's wife Ann, Mitt may be looking at a woman for Vice President. The bad news? They have John McCain doing the background check. That could be dicey. (Jay Leno)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      The White House is now urging Americans not to "read too much" into last week’s jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn’t read it at all. (Jay Leno)

      It could be worse: You could be Obama and say "There's more to do on jobs," when you have yet to do anything at all. (Steve Yeich)

      President Obama will forgo his vacation this summer. Instead, there will be incremental R & R. If he wants an afternoon where nothing gets done, he’ll attempt a bill through Congress. (Alan Ray)

      It could be worse: You could be President Obama and have to do actual presidential duties instead of fundraising and golf. (Steve Yeich)

      A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP. (Jay Leno)

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      The latest poll shows 56% of voters think President Obama has changed America -- for the worse. At this point, there's only one thing that can keep Mitt Romney from beating him. Mitt Romney. (Jay Leno)  

      Wall Street says they prefer Mitt Romney for president. And by God, who could question Wall Street's judgment? (Jay Leno)

      The GOP has a very different problem from 2008. Then they had a presidential candidate who couldn't remember. Now they have one who hopes that we can't remember. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney's campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama was in Pennsylvania Friday where he ate cheeseburgers, French fries, ice cream and pie. This is why comedians love Democrats. Bill Clinton saw interns, John Edwards saw a videographer and Obama cheats on his wife's Healthy Foods Initiative.

      THE CONGRESS

      Tomorrow the House of Representatives will vote for the 30th time on healthcare. For the 30th time they'll vote it down again. Who says these guys aren't doing stuff, huh? (Jay Leno)

      Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing -- or as Congress calls that, a vote. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Listen to this. Congratulations to Congressman Barney Frank. He became the first sitting Congressman to enter into a same sex marriage when he married his longtime boyfriend Jim Ready this past weekend. You know those Democrats, they love their mandates." (Jay Leno)

      It could be worse: After hearing about Congressman Barney Frank entering into a same sex marriage the next time you have sex with your spouse you can't get the picture of Barney Frank having sex out of your head. (Steve Yeich) 

      Congressman Dennis Kucinich also attended the wedding. He wasn't there as a guest. He was hired to stand on top of the cake. (Jay Leno)  

      John Boehner, who is speaker of the House of Representatives, is super tan, he cries, and he drinks. He should be speaker of the "Jersey Shore" house. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      John Boehner recently said the American people "probably aren’t going to fall in love with Mitt Romney." True dat. Heck, Boehner himself may not shed a tear if Romney loses in November. (Janice Hough)

      THE COURTS

      Among the most disastrous Supreme Court rulings was Piggy v. Henson, in which the Supreme Court held there is a constitutional right for pigs to marry frogs. It has led to men marrying women and all sorts of ungodly behavior that tears at the moral fabric of this nation. (Paul Benoit)

      THE MILITARY

      The U.S. Army says it's developing a new body armor for female soldiers inspired by "Xena: Warrior Princess." In related news, everyone at Comic-Con just joined the Army. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE STATES

      Jerry Brown signed a bill to build a bullet train between L. A. and San Francisco that costs seventy billion dollars and will take twenty years to build. His dad Pat Brown built the freeways. The Browns need just one more miracle under Catholic law to become the Patron Saints of Contractors. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jerry Brown was handed a bill passed by the assembly making California a sanctuary state for illegal aliens Friday. There are other sensitive cultural decisions weighing on him. Minorities are pressing hard to have English recognized as California's third language. (Argus Hamilton)

      Arizonans turned in three hundred thousand signatures Friday on a petition which places state law above federal law. It's expected to spread eastward. The good news for the South this time is that all the cannon factories are not in the North, they're in India. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has signed a bill requiring teachers to report any students they see who are being bullied online. Apparently the teachers are expected to check out the students' computers when they go over to their house to have sex with them. (Jim Barach)


      LOCAL NEWS

      Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel urged Chicago street gangs to stop the recent flood of shootings Monday. They're headed for a new record. There are so many murders in Chicago that it's become the one city where Social Security is projected to run a surplus. (Argus Hamilton)

      San Bernardino is about to become the third California city in the past two weeks to declare bankruptcy. The other two are Stockton and Mammoth Lakes. Hollywood isn't on the list although they declared moral bankruptcy years ago. (Jim Barach)

      A new law is being considered by Los Angeles County supervisors, one that would require actors in porn videos to wear condoms. In a related story, Universal Studios is being required to digitally alter the images of Janet Leigh and cover her with a latex raincoat for the shower scene in their 1960 hit film “Psycho”. (Jerry W.) 

      City workers in Scranton, Pennsylvania have been cut to minimum wage as an emergency measure by the city's mayor. Or as most people in Scranton call minimum wage, an incentive package. (Jim Barach)

      The Sarasota, Florida Republican Party has named Donald Trump as the "Statesman of the Year". Apparently finishing right behind him were Dick Cheney and Chris Christie. (Jim Barach)

      Over the weekend, a man in Massachusetts was chased by a great white shark while he was kayaking for the first time. Or as he's now calling it, "kayaking for the LAST time." (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE ECONOMY

      A report says that mortgage fraud has declined since 2011. Apparently the financial industry has moved on to hedge funds, Ponzi schemes and manipulating oil prices. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Mastercard, Visa and many U.S. banks have agreed to pay $7.3 billion to millions of merchants to end a seven-year dispute over credit card “swipe” fees. Wonder how long it will take for the credit card companies and banks to announce $8 billion in consumer fees to make up for it. (Janice Hough)

      Best Buy just announced plans to lay off 600 Geek Squad employees. In response, Geek Squad employees were like, "Phew, good thing I already live with my parents." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho lost a $750,000 a year endorsement contract with Coca-Cola when he was seen drinking a Pepsi at a press conference. I do see, however, some potential for a serious new advertising campaign with Pepsi. (Janice Hough)

      A chef from McDonald’s just revealed the recipe to the Big Mac’s secret sauce. Even more surprising, he also revealed the McRib’s secret meat. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Duke Energy CEO Bill Johnson resigned following a merger and could receive a $44 Million severance package for just one day's work. Usually to get a payout like that a CEO has to justify it by firing 40,000 employees first. (Jim Barach)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Chevron says its second quarter profits were significantly higher. What they meant is that they are significantly higher than any other company in the world. They are already looking for the next excuse to put the price of gasoline up over $4 a gallon again. (Jim Barach)

      The BMW 3 & 7 series cars will allow the driver to dictate e-mails hands free while driving. So basically, the only reason to spend $40,000-$70,000 on a car is so you can text while driving and not crash. (Jim Barach)

      American Airlines is reportedly trying to merger with JetBlue. Great, just what we need, more lousy American service while you sit on the tarmac on a delayed JetBlue plane. (Janice Hough)

      The Wall Street Journal reported an improved market for job applicants Friday. It's vital to remember that you're always showcasing. Last week at the Orlando airport a woman was arrested for groping a TSA agent and two days later she was offered a job with the TSA. (Argus Hamilton)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A prison in Brazil has prisoners riding stationary bikes hooked up to electrical generators that recharge batteries. In related news, Mexico is considering feeding it’s prison population an extra helping of beans at every meal. (TC Chong)

      MEXICO

      In Mexico, the loser of their presidential election is accusing the winner of election fraud. He says the winner bought millions of votes. To which Mitt Romney said, "You can do that?" (Jay Leno)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      A hotel in England is bringing in Kindles to replace Bibles on the nightstands. And then they'll be bringing in more Bibles to replace all those stolen Kindles. (Jimmy Fallon)

      For its July 12 cover, New Republic magazine has a doctored picture of Kate Middleton, where they’ve given her yellowed, decayed teeth. She looks so homely, you’d think she’s a member of the Royal Family. (Terry Etter)

      EUROPE

      The settlement of a strike by Norwegian oil workers has caused gas prices to drop sharply. Dick Cheney has called for the invasion of Norway. (Janice Hough)

      Farmers in France have started giving their cows two bottles of wine every day, in order to make better beef. Unfortunately, all the cows wind up doing is texting their ex-milkers. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      A live political debate in Jordan ended when one of the participants pulled out a gun. Well, that would be one way to increase television ratings for debates in the U.S. (Janice Hough)

      THE FAR EAST

      Tensions between North Korea and the Walt Disney Company continued to mount, causing some to worry that the confrontation could soon become nuclear. One day aft

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