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258Weakly Humerus News 06-02-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Jun 2, 2012

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-02-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      The world’s richest woman is an Australian who made her money in mining. Is this just another way of saying she’s a gold digger? (Gary Bachman) 

      John Travolta is in settlement talks with one of his accusers. Hopefully they can figure out a happy ending, which is, of course, how this whole thing started. (Tim Hunter)

      Former SI cover girl Brooklyn Decker told Vanity Fair she was named after a horse. Still, a lot of guys wouldn't mind being saddled with her. (RJ Currie)

      Lolo Jones's virginity really stumps me. Lolo is a hurdler. Hurdler's are not known for their ability to keep their legs together. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      More Americans are going to India to hire surrogate mothers, where it costs about one-fourth what it does in the U.S. How bad has the economy gotten that we are even outsourcing motherhood? (Jim Barach)

      Researchers with an aviation historical society have found a cosmetics jar that they believe may be linked to Amelia Earhart. Of course. Its vanishing cream. (Marc Ragovin)

      A Japanese man cooked his own genitals and served them at a banquet. I can't believe he had the balls to do that. (Alex Schubert)

      Jenna Jameson was arrested for DUI. Let me get this straight. A drunk porn star in handcuffs? There is a god! (Alex Schubert)

      L.A. Weekly says a tattooist is getting international attention for recreating some of history's most iconic paintings on bananas. Apparently, the art has a peel. (RJ Currie)

      According to astrologers, the stars are perfectly aligned for an Obama victory over Romney. When they say stars, they must be talking about George Clooney and Barbra Streisand. (Wendel Potter)

      FACEBOOK

      Not a great week for Mark Zuckerberg. Now the news is out that he and his wife were at lunch on their honeymoon in Rome and didn't leave a tip. The best tip, of course, would have been "Don't buy Facebook stock." (Janice Hough)

      Facebook stock is losing so much money since their IPO that Mark Zuckerberg is going to have to sell off some of his Farmville land just to make ends meet. (Steve Yeich)

      The Facebook IPO is such a disaster that Farmville residents have filed an imaginary class-action suit against their imaginary investment counselors. (TC Chong) 

      Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg lost 20 billion dollars last week when FB stock fell from 45 to 30 a share after opening. He made 40 billion the first day and then he lost 20 billion. It's a lesson to everyone never to issue a worthless stock. (Argus Hamilton)

      It’s been a rough week for Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg has lost so much money in the market that President Obama is going to have him replace Ben Bernanke. (Jay Leno)

      THE NATIONAL SPELLING BEE

      The winner of the U.S. national spelling bee contest held in Maryland was a 14-year-old girl from San Diego, California. Her name is Snigdha Nandipati, and officials of the event said that in order to win the contest, all she had to do was spell her name correctly, which she did after three attempts. (Jerry W.)

      For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course -- steroids. (Craig Ferguson)

      Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called 'parents of children in the spelling bee'. They’re trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words. (Craig Ferguson)

      MITT ROMNEY

      Mitt Romney believes marriage has been between one man and one woman for 3,000 years. Except of course, for 110 years ago when his grandfather moved to Mexico to practice polygamy. Then it was one man and five women. (Will Durst)  

      Trying to pin Mitt Romney down is like trying to glue jello to a sponge. (Will Durst)

      Next week Mitt Romney will campaign in Las Vegas with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich. Did somebody say “The Hangover, Part III?” (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney. (Bill Maher)

      Mitt Romney pledged this week (that) if elected president, he will drive down unemployment to 6% or lower before the end of his first term. Well, it's easy enough to do; all he has to do is re-hire the people he already fired. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney is promising to maintain a U. S. military with "no comparable power anywhere in the world." Uh, considering we already outspend the rest of the top 15 countries combined, that shouldn't be hard. (Janice Hough)

      Like Mitt, I was born in Michigan, but unlike his grandfather who moved to Mexico so he could have five wives, I'd move there just to get rid of the one I have. (Jerry W.)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Now that most people, Donald Trump excepted, have moved beyond the birth certificate issue, a conservative blogger is now offering $20,000 for Barack Obama's college transcripts. Right, because back in 1990 Harvard set in place a vast conspiracy to make a lousy black student editor of the Law Review so he could be President of the U.S. 18 years later. (Janice Hough)

      Geologists could name a tectonic plate after Obama and it would still never be his fault. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Center for Responsive Politics reports that President Obama has become the first politician in history to raise $1 billion in his political career. Imagine how much more he could have raised if people hadn’t lost it all in his economic plan? (Jay Leno)

      First lady Michelle Obama said that if she could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be Beyoncé. Of course it got awkward when Barack was like, “I’m game!” (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama presented the Medal of Freedom to more than a dozen recipients, including Bob Dylan. The President says that not only is Dylan a great songwriter, he’s the only person who can understand what Joe Biden is talking about. (Jim Barach)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      President George W. Bush returned to the White House for the unveiling of his presidential portrait. It represented his economic policies as he was captured with his pockets turned inside out. (Jim Barach)

      ADMINISTRATION

      The administration just fired the only people in Washington who were cutting spending, the Secret Service agents who stiffed the Colombian prostitute. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS

      Clemens trial jurors must weigh an untrustworthy witness' testimony against an incredibly unlikable defendant. I cannot confirm the foreman asked the judge if it was possible to convict both men. (Greg Cote)

      A lawsuit has been filed by a New Jersey father who claims his 8-week-old son was sickened by salmonella-tainted dry dog food. To prevent any future illnesses, the father says from now on his son will eat only canned dog food. (Gary Bachman) 

      THE STATES

      Arizona's tough-as-nails illegal alien hunter Sheriff Joe Arpaio actually sent several of his deputies to Honolulu at state expense to look for a fake Barack Obama birth certificate. They failed to dig up any dirt on the president, but they did find evidence that Arpaio may be the illegitimate son of Don Ho and Charo. (Bob Mills)

      Kansas Governor Sam Brownback has signed a bill banning Islamic Law from being used in the state. Apparently he wanted to insure that all legal disputes were settled the traditional Kansas way. With a mob and a rope. (Jim Barach)

      A survey says that half of Californians are against legalizing marijuana. Apparently they are worried that freeway traffic will be at a rush hour crawl no matter what time it is. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      San Francisco named a street after Nancy Pelosi. In her honor, all the street signs are made of plastic. (Steve Yeich)

      The Los Angeles City Council voted Friday to ban grocery stores in Los Angeles from using plastic bags, leaving stores no option but paper. The city is adapting quickly to the ban on plastic. Within days the number-one industry in Beverly Hills was paper surgery. (Argus Hamilton) 

      New York City's Mayor Bloomberg is cracking down on the most dangerous threat to the Big Apple: sodas. This ban only applies to large sodas, 16 ounces or more. So if sodas were Kardashians, they're really just banning Khloe. New Yorkers, I've got a tip for you. Here is a way to get around the ban. Buy two 12-ounce sodas. All the soda you can drink in exchange for paying twice the sales tax. Bloomberg, you midget genius! (Jay Leno) 

      It is Fleet Week in New York City. Busy time for the Times Square hookers, they have to service the sailors and the Secret Service Agents. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      In Modesto, California, a 65 year-old grandfather was arrested for, allegedly, robbing a hardware store with his 2 year-old grandson in his arms.  He told police that kids are never too young to learn a profession. (Steve Yeich)

      A Texas hospital says it will not hire overweight people with a BMI of more than 35. This falls right in line with Texas policy to never elect a governor with an IQ of more than 35. (Bill WIlliams)

      THE ECONOMY

      The Federal Reserve says that student loans have tripled over the past decade. Which isn’t bad considering that during that same time, college tuition has increased by ten times. (Jim Barach)

      A report says the U.S. still has more than 5 Million millionaires. The bad news for them is that until 2007 they were all billionaires. (Jim Barach)

      TAXES 

      The IRS says that 1 in 189 high income earners paid no income tax in 2009. Ironically, they all endorsed Mitt Romney. (Alex Schubert)

      New York State lost 600,000 residents to Florida in the last 10 years. New York has an 8% income tax rate while Florida has no state income tax. There is a terrible mosquito problem in Florida, but no matter how much blood they drink it's still less than New York taxes. (Argus Hamilton)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      'Five Wives' Vodka is being criticized for being offensive to Mormons. The makers of the vodka say it has nothing to do with religion, it’s just the average number of times an alcoholic gets divorced and remarried. (Jim Barach)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Los Angeles gas prices neared $5.00 per gallon Tuesday. It affects everything. High school girls are breaking their prom dates with the football captains for drop-outs who gets an employee discount at the Chevron station. (Argus Hamilton)

      This week a solar-powered plane attempted to fly more than 1,500 miles. It was going great until the plane encountered one technical problem — night. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A three-year old boy was kicked off an Alaska Airlines flight. As a person who gets on airplanes sometimes, I hope to God this catches on. (Alex Schubert)

      New York Senator Chuck Schumer is asking airlines to drop a fee for people to guarantee sitting near their young children on flights. The only problem is that it would be easier to charge for the TSA security search than to try to get parents to pay to sit near their own kids. (Jim Barach)

      A Disney cruise employee is being investigated for stealing a passenger’s iPhone. If he’s found guilty, he’ll be given a really tough punishment -- eight more years working on that Disney cruise. (Jimmy Fallon)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      New FBI crime stats show one in 10 U.S. bank robberies involve women. In a related story, 10 per cent more getaway drivers now ask for directions. (RJ Currie)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Queen Elizabeth celebrates her Diamond Jubilee in London Friday. Her era has been epic. France's president complained in a Paris disco that all the songs were in English, but if it weren't for the English-speaking peoples all the songs would be in German. (Argus Hamilton)

      An English firm is reportedly selling a range of salts harvested from human tears. The big sellers are tears of laughter, anger and sorrow, known as the Maple Leafs collection. (RJ Currie)

       A survey reveals one-third of British pet owners said they would rather go away with their pet on vacation than their immediate family. when the British leave their family behind for foreign travels, 47 percent said they miss the pet most of all while they're away. (Rich Hancock)

      EUROPE

      A new “divorce hotel” in the Netherlands allows people to check in Friday married, and leave Sunday divorced. That has to be the most expensive hotel in the world, with many people spending half of everything they own on the weekend. (Jim Barach)

       A "Divorce Hotel" in the Netherlands is offering unhappy couples the opportunity to end their marriages in luxury accommodations. Couples can check into one of six hotels in the country affiliated with the divorce package. The hotels furnish everything the couples need: lawyers, mediators, and psychologists. (Rich Hancock)

      THE FAR EAST

      In China, a stray dog followed a group of cyclists on their journey of more than 1,100 miles. The amazing part of the story is that there was a stray dog running loose in China. The cyclists fed and trained the dog, which is now constructing Nike shoes for 8 cents a day. (Jerry Perisho)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      A Pakistani doctor who helped the CIA hunt for Osama bin Laden has been convicted of high treason in Pakistan. He was sentenced to 33 years in prison for helping us. Think how much worse the sentence would have been if Pakistan wasn’t our ally. (Jay Leno)

      Doctors in India have operated to remove a live fish from the lung of a 12-year-old boy. The boy swallowed the fish while playing on a riverside with friends in the Madhya Pradesh state. This one went down the wrong way and entered the boy's left lung. Doctors decided on immediate surgery and removed the fish in a 45 minute operation. (Rich Hancock)

      HEALTH

      Israeli scientists say they have developed a cannabis plant without the high, for people who want to use medical marijuana and not get stoned. That’s like developing Viagra that makes you just want to be friends. (Jim Barach)

      A Colorado man has been told by doctors that although he has a penis he also has female internal organs. Conservatives call this the 'Hillary Clinton Syndrome'. (Terry Etter)

      A study says coffee drinkers live longer. Two groups were measured. An experimental group who continually drank cup after cup. A control group who were standing in line at Starbucks. (Alan Ray)

      The federal government says that companies can not claim high fructose corn syrup as “sugar”. Apparently food processors were looking back to the good old days when the Reagan Administration let them call ketchup a vegetable. (Jim Barach)

      New research shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental. In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius. (Jay Leno)

      According to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control, burgers, fries and sodas have tripled in size, on average, since the 1950s. Hamburgers grew from 3.9 ounces to 12 ounces, fries from 2.4 ounces to 6.7 ounces and sodas from 7 to 42 ounces. And the startling increases have drastically altered human behavior, too. For instance, in 1950 kids were told to "Duck and Cover" during a nuclear attack. Today, they're told to dive under their lunch. (Bob Mills)

      SPORTS

      Steve Spurrier is now proposing that college athletes in revenue-producing sports, such as men's basketball and football, be paid "approximately $3,500 to $4,000" on top of their scholarships to cover living expenses. And SEC players howled - "No way are we taking that pay cut. (Janice Hough)

      BASKETBALL

      Slam-dunk NBA picture of the year: Nets forward DeShawn Stevenson standing next to the ATM he had installed in his kitchen. Hoops historians immediately declared the photo the mother of all bank shots. (Dwight Perry)

      BASEBALL

      All Star voting has begun in the MLB. How is a punched ballot different from the Cubs defense? The ballot has fewer holes. (Alan Ray)

      Did you guys see this? Last night at the Twins-White Sox game in Chicago, Snoop Dogg threw out the first pitch. And as predicted, the pitch was pretty high. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Pitcher Juan Carlos Oviedo of the 'Miami Ma' was caught playing under a fake name and suspended by MLB for eight weeks for age and identity fraud. The pitcher will be eligible to return July 23. Guess he’ll be known around the clubhouse as the 'player to be named later'. (TC Chong) 

      The Milwaukee Brewers’ Jonathan Lucroy is on the DL with a fractured hand after his wife dropped a suitcase on it. This confirms a scouting report that says he comes with baggage. (Bill Littlejohn)  

      The Seattle Mariners scored 21 runs in a game against Texas last week. The Rangers’ pitching was so bad that owner Nolan Ryan was summoned to the bullpen in the sixth inning. (TC Chong) 

      HOCKEY

      It’s a big night for hockey fans. It’s game one of the Stanley Cup Finals. The Kings are in the finals for only the second time in their history. What was on ESPN today? -- the national spelling bee. (Craig Ferguson)

      NESN.com says if reality TV's upcoming Bikini Hockey League takes off, there will be a lot of interested viewers. Won't it depend on how much they take off? (RJ Currie)

      The Los Angeles Dodgers want to host the NHL Winter Classic. And why not? The previous owner specialized in snow jobs. (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      Pau Gasol reportedly wants out of L.A. to join Chicago. Not the only Spaniard to want to run with the bulls. (RJ Currie)

      Dario Franchitti averaged 167.7 mph in winning his third Indianapolis 500. If you were married to Ashley Judd, you'd hurry home, too. (Jerry Perisho)

      NFL lineman Nick Fairly was detained for DUI and reckless driving, his second arrest in two months. There's a first: a Lion that thinks he's a Bengal. (RJ Currie)

      The wife of Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy accidentally dropped a suitcase and broke his hand. 'Samsonite and Delilah'. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Patrick McEnroe says Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist is the best non-tennis pro he's ever played. I'm guessing Lundqvist really covers the net. (RJ Currie) 

      The Miami Marlins' Juan Carlos Oviedo, caught playing under the fake name of Leo Nunez, has been suspended by MLB for 8 weeks for age and identity fraud. The pitcher will be eligible to return July 23. Guess he'll be known around the clubhouse as the 'player to be named later'. (Janice Hough)

      Dominic Hasek, 47, reportedly wants back into the NHL. When Jamie Moyer heard about it, he said 'Give the kid a chance.' (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      'Chernobyl Diaries' opens in theaters. Six tourists explore the area around Russia’s infamous nuclear disaster. Turns out the locals are smart. They still have good heads on their shoulders. (Alan Ray)

      The Mormon Bachelor starts in July. You all know what a Mormon bachelor is don't you? It's a Mormon with only one wife running for president. (Bill Williams) 

      A 'Teen Mom' cast member says the show will go out “with a bang” in its final season. Which is pretty much how the show came about in the first place. (Jim Barach)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Happy birthday to Bob Dylan, who turned 71 years old today. When he made his wish, God was like, "No clue what he just said." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Bob Dylan received the Medal of Freedom last week from President Obama, and then smoked it. (Cam Hutchinson)  

      Rihanna has named her new perfume Nude. “Hey, that’s my name,’’ said Kim Kardasian, Paris Hilton and Pam Anderson. (Cam Hutchinson)  

      The Kim Kardashian and Kanye West relationship is reportedly getting serious. They've taken measures to assure privacy. The paparazzi must stay back at least 3 feet. (Alan Ray)

      In an upcoming film role, actress Nicole Kidman actually pees on co-star Zac Efron's face. In other news, several major league baseball players were on the set of Kidman's latest film looking for clean urine. (Jerry Perisho)

      Former adult film star Jenna Jameson was arrested in Southern California for investigation of driving under the influence her car ran into a light pole. And then she went out and performed a dance on it. (Tim Hunter)

      Speaking on CNN’s “Situation Room,” Donald Trump told host Wolf Blitzer his reason for endorsing Mr. Romney: “After four years of a President who was born overseas, its time for a President who was born here and sends his money overseas.”