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240Weakly Humerus News 03-03-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    Mar 3, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-03-12


      Despite the claims of the "Birthers," surely our president's family is American, not Kenyan. How do I know this? Because a famous family member was celebrated in American song back in the 1800s. Don't you remember that "O Susannah" sings, "I come from Al Obama, with a banjo on my knee. (Cynthia MacGregor}

      Newt Gingrich has promised $2.50 a gallon gas if he's elected president, leading some to speculate that this will come from his plan to exploit the moon. Today, President Obama responded "Newt, the cheap gas you promise isn't likely to be coming from the moon in the future, but it seems that there's a lot of cheap gas coming our way from Uranus today." (Jerry W.)

      Tim Tebow was seen at a restaurant with Taylor Swift, fueling speculation it's the start of a romance. I'm thinking the way Tebow makes passes, he hasn't got a prayer. (RJ Currie)

      Secret Service agents have now been assigned to Rick Santorum. It's something new for him. This is the first time in his life he's ever used protection. (Alan Ray)

      On mandatory ultrasound on pregnant women: When are they going to pass a law making it a requirement for all politicians to undergo a colostomy, but I forget it won't work as they are so full of S***. (Lawyer13)

      Glenmark Generics is recalling birth control pills because of a packaging error. The company will offer retribution to affected customers. A month’s supply of diapers. (Alan Ray) 

      Who says you can't take it with you? Raiders owner Al Davis died in October. Oakland doesn't have first-, second-, third-, fourth- or seventh-round draft picks this April. (Dwight Perry)

      Christie's will auction a menu from the Titanic on the one hundredth anniversary of its ill-fated voyage in April. It has great practical value. A menu from the Titanic is a great reminder of how dangerous it is to go swimming less than an hour after you've eaten. (Argus Hamilton)


      The Academy Awards Show will be held in Hollywood Sunday amid slumping movie ticket sales this year. The X-box is cutting deeply into movie-going. Last week Sony Playstation outsold all movies with the release of its hot new video game Grand Theft Gasoline. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sasha Baron Cohen announced plans Friday to attend the Oscars dressed as an Arab dictator. He is a comic who likes to tease Hollywood for being pro-Israel and Muslims for being irrational. Someday a detective's report will conclude that everybody killed him. (Argus Hamilton)

      Last night was the Oscars and the NBA All-Star Game. That's what's great about America. You've got your choice of which spoiled millionaires to watch. (Jay Leno)

      The Academy Awards Show was held in Hollywood Sunday amid slumping movie ticket sales this year. The X-box is cutting deeply into movie-going. Last week Sony Playstation outsold all movies with the release of its hot new video game Grand Theft Gasoline. (Argus Hamilton)

      Did you see how many women at the Oscars wore their hair up and tied way back? That's because you don't need as much Botox if you make that knot really tight. (Jay Leno)

      Academy Award voters hailed “The Artist” as the ultimate fantasy film, since it depicts a world in which the French are silent. (Andy Borowitz) 

      Forty million people watched the Academy Awards Last night. To give you an idea how many that is, take the number of people who saw "The Artist" and add 40 million. (Craig Ferguson)

      Last night "The Artist" won five Oscars. That works out to one Oscar for every person who saw the movie. (Conan O'Brien) 

      Congratulations to "The Artist." It won the best picture Oscar. Some critics believe this will bring back silent films. Before we bring back silent films, let's try to bring back silent audiences. (Jay Leno)

      Jean Dujardin won the Oscar Sunday night for Best Actor. He's the first French-born actor to win an Academy Award. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate to blame it on President Obama. (Janice Hough)

      Last night 82-year-old Christopher Plummer became the oldest actor to ever win an Academy Award. Of course, when the show started, he was only 79. (Conan O'Brien)

      Meryl Streep won for best actress. Personally, I think Viola Davis was robbed. Literally. Lindsay Lohan stole her Harry Winston necklace. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Memorable night at the Academy Awards. Biggest surprise was the Oscar for Best Supporting Animal. When the winner was announced, Sasha Baron Cohen's Doberman in "Hugo" got so excited, he ate two other nominees -- the Charles Russell terrier in "The Artist" and Charlize Theron's Pomeranian in "Young Adult." (Bob Wells)

      Best thing about Jennifer Lopez's "wardrobe malfunction" last night. If it had to happen to an American Idol judge, at least it wasn't Steven Tyler. (Janice Hough)

      People today are talking about Angelina Jolie's dress, which showed off none of one leg and all of the other leg. She's very thin. Uggie the dog from the "The Artist" was behind her on the red carpet. He didn't know whether to hump her leg or bury it. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Tim Tebow mingled with Hollywood stars Sunday when he was a guest at the Vanity Fair Oscar party. It was a nice exchange. The stars explained to Tim how to get free designer suits and he explained to them if you never get married you can't lose your house. (Argus Hamilton)

      Last night Oprah was here. After the show Oprah opened a bottle of Tequila and gave everyone a shot. The only shots I ever imagined I'd get from Oprah were coming out of a gun. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Mitt Romney is accusing Rick Santorum's campaign of being "deceptive" and using "dirty tricks" in making robo calls telling Democratic voters to come out to the polls Tuesday in Michigan and vote against Romney. Translation, Mitt's mad he didn't think of the idea of calling Democrats first. (Janice Hough) 

      Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, "That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney." (Conan O'Brien)

      Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, "I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mitt Romney told conservatives Tuesday he is not going to set his hair on fire to win the GOP nomination. Thank goodness. With all the oil in his hair it would a take Texas fire crew two weeks to put him out, giving President Obama another excuse to ban drilling. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney gave an economic speech inside an empty stadium in Detroit. Giving an economic speech in Detroit has the same drawing power as giving a morals lecture in Washington, D.C. (Jim Barach)

      Mitt Romney told supporters in Michigan about attending the Golden Jubilee celebration of the American automobile as a young boy. The problem is that the event took place nine months before Mitt was born. In Romney's defense, maybe Mitt is trying to trump Santorum's "life begins at conception" with "memory begins at conception." (Janice Hough)

      Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Seeking forgiveness from Michigan Republican voters for recommending bankruptcy for failing Detroit auto-makers, Mitt Romney told them that his wife drives two Cadillacs -- both of which have built-in dog-carriers on the roof. (Bob Wells)

      Mitt Romney won Wyoming primary. 29 delegates. He got about 822 of 2,000 total votes. Not sure how much Romney spent, but Mitt could have afforded to buy them all a Cadillac. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney defends his statement about his wife's two Cadillacs by saying that "If people think that there is something wrong for being successful, they should vote for the other guy." I don't think anyone thinks there's something wrong with it, but some of us think if you're that successful you don't need another tax cut. (Janice Hough)

      The Romney campaign says they can't figure out why the people of Michigan aren't embracing their native son. Hmmm, let's see. Could it be this editorial he wrote four years ago: "Let Detroit go bankrupt"? (Craig Ferguson)

      After spending much of the week in Michigan defending his opposition to the 2008 auto bailout, Mitt Romney got acquainted with a different side of the car industry during a visit to Florida's Daytona International Speedway. Asked Sunday if he follows racing Romney replied, "Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners," (Ariel Edwards-Levy)

      Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney won Michigan today, although he lost with GOP voters without a college degree, and lost by a wide margin amongst those making less than $100,000 a year. In short, Mitt got all the GOP primary voters with two Cadillacs. $4 million for a slim primary win in Michigan. And Mitt campaigns on the idea of cutting wasteful spending. Romney might have done better if he donated the money to the Detroit Tigers to buy another pitcher. (Janice Hough)

      It's been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he's trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it's easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head. (Conan O'Brien)

      There are rumors that Mitt Romney will ask Ron Paul to be his running mate. He was originally going to reach out to Rick Santorum. But Rick's not crazy about other dudes reaching out for him. (Craig Ferguson)

      Mitt Romney told a crowd gathered for a World Wrestling Entertainment event in Ohio today, "I love poor people.  They taste like chicken."  After an awkward silence from the crowd and a smattering of boos, Mr. Romney added, "Really, you should try them someday. They go well with a nice Sancerre." (Andy Borowitz)

      Mitt Romney likes to talk about principles. But Mitt has the same relationship to his own principles as Newt Gingrich does to his marriages. Maybe only one at a time but they don't last. (Janice Hough)

      Have you heard Mitt Romney singing "America the Beautiful?" Apparently, he's running for president because he got kicked out of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. (Frank King)


      Rick Santorum Tuesday night talked in his speech about "the men & women who signed the Declaration of Independence." Yeah, I can see why Santorum's so down on education, he clearly hasn't retained much of his. (Janice Hough)   

      Rick, I'm sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him s**t his pants. (Jon Stewart) 

      Rick Santorum said he believes Satan has his sights set on America.  Being a former member of Congress, he should know, since Satan took over there a while ago.  (Steve Yeich)  

      Rick Santorum was shown on tape telling Catholic school girls that Satan is targeting the United States. The denial came immediately. Satan issued a statement the next day saying he does not get involved in U. S. presidential elections because he will only go so low. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Telling a crowd of supporters that the separation of church and state "makes me want to throw up," GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum today proposed replacing church and state with a new entity he called "sturch." "Merging church and state into sturch will benefit all Americans," he said. "Except maybe Jews." (Andy Borowitz)

      Rick Santorum says he rejects the idea of separation of church and state.  Sweater vest manufacturers are complaining about all his stupid comments because he is making them look bad. (Steve Yeich) 

      Rick Santorum said Sunday he wanted to throw up when he first saw JFK insisting on separation of church and state. JFK said it to Protestant ministers in the 1960 campaign. Throwing up is a strong reaction, but Gerber's strained carrots aren't a hit with every baby. (Argus Hamilton)

      Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven't seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill. (Jay Leno)

      Rick Santorum is attacking President Obama" for wanting all Americans to have the chance to at least attend community college. Well, makes sense, Santorum's BA, MBA and JD don't appear to have helped him become any smarter. (Janice Hough)

      Rick Santorum says that President Obama is a snob who wants every American to go to college. What is it with this guy? President Obama could save a man's life, and Santorum would say, "Obama is clearly distracted and has higher priorities than running our country." (Alex Shubert)

      I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that electoral college is not for everyone. Not everyone needs to go the electoral college. (Jay Leno)

      Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind. (David Letterman

      Rick Santorum said today that the separation of church and state "makes me want to throw up." And if they're watching in Heaven, Thomas Jefferson is thinking "Rick Santorum makes me want to throw up." (Janice Hough)

      GOP Oval Office hopeful Rick Santorum told supporters that John Kennedy's endorsement of "Separation of Church and State" made him sick to his stomach. Strange since he seems to embrace the concept of "Separation of Brain and Common Sense." (Bob Wells)

      Rick Santorum addressed the controversy over contraception, telling a crowd in Dayton, "The best form of contraception will always be underwear with a picture of me on the crotch." (Andy Borowitz)

      Indiana lawmaker Rob Morris opposed a Girl Scouts citation Tuesday. He called the Girl Scouts a radical organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. The next day, Rick Santorum called him up and offered him two hundred dollars for the joke. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rick Santorum sponsored a Ford Fusion in the Daytona 500 driven by race car driver Tony Raines. It had his name across the front hood of the car. Rick Santorum hasn't had his name on a hood since Catholic school when he played the judge in a mock trial of the Jews. (Argus Hamilton)


      The Republican presidential candidates Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich debated for the twentieth time on TV Wednesday in Arizona. There's no doubt in anyone's mind who won. It was their last debate, so the American people won. (Argus Hamilton)

      Newt Gingrich is calling himself, "The $2.50 a gallon of gas president." Funny, but just the idea of him being president gives me gas. (Tim Hunter)

      Newt Gingrich is billing himself as the $2.50 a gallon gasoline President. Although it's hard to believe a man is concerned with the price of a gallon of gas when he runs up a half million dollar account at Tiffany. (Jim Barach)

      Newt Gingrich promised at today's California GOP convention that he would lower U.S. gas prices to $2.50 a gallon. And why should anyone doubt the promise of a man who has said "until death do us part" three times? (Janice Hough)

      Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, "Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that's my kind of guy." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Newt Gingrich says the U. S. should tell the Afghans to figure out how to live their own miserable life. Of course, their life might not be so miserable if we hadn't sort of blown up their entire country the past ten years. (Jim Barach)


      President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace "hope and change." He's thinking of going with "I am not Mitt Romney." (Craig Ferguson) 

      President Obama says there is no magic bullet to lowering gas prices. He means that literally since we have started three wars over oil just sine 1990. (Jim Barach)

      Obama has a new campaign slogan.  It is simply "I promise __________ ."  And you get to fill in the blank with whatever you want. (Steve Yeich) 

      President Obama hosted a blues tribute concert in the White House Tuesday where he got to sing onstage with Mick Jagger. The president was thrilled at the chance. He spends so much time running against old white guys, he never thought he'd sing with one. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama ripped Republicans Thursday for always wanting to drill for more oil to solve our energy needs. Hey, it's our planet. When Dick Cheney's daughter told him she was a lesbian, he told her he didn't mind as long as she always drives a gas-guzzler. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama talked about rising gas prices today. He focused on the positive things his administration has done when it comes to energy prices. So, in other words, it was the shortest speech he's ever given. (Jay Leno) 

      Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I'm sorry — strategic oil reserves. (Jay Leno)

      Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren't handed a ticket to Harvard by being the biracial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice. (Stephen Colbert on Rick Santorum calling Obama a snob for suggesting that kids should go to college)

      President Obama is demanding that Congress end oil and gas subsidies. Mostly because we are now subsidizing them even more any time we pay $5 a gallon at the pump. (Jim Barach)

      The Mormon Church has confirmed that President Obama[s mother has been converted to Mormonism by post-mortem 'Baptism by Proxy'. That should show the Birthers. What can be more American than that. (Stan Kegel) 

      President Obama is starting to get a little overconfident. In an interview with Univision radio, he said, "My presidency isn't over yet, and I've still got five more years." Even his predictions are over budget. (Jay Leno)

      Newt Gingrich said Obama was the worst President in U.S. history. He got a prominent Democrat to agree with him too because Jimmy Carter was in the background cheering and fist pumping as he said, "YES! I'm not the worst!" (Steve Yeich) 

      President Obama is on the stump. He's taking heat for not doing much to quell the quagmire we're in a war torn, culturally depraved area. But enough about Congress. (Alan Ray)

      As the economy is showing slight signs of recovery Obama has said the time to blame former President Bush for things is over and he is now taking full responsibility for the economy. (Steve Yeich) 

      While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, "Make it one year and I'll buy it for you." (Jay Leno)

      President Obama spoke Thursday at University of Miami, where it was 83-degrees. And he loved the weather, saying "I don't know how you guys go to class. It's too nice outside." And Miami football players responded "class?" (Janice Hough)


      During Vice President Biden's speech in North Carolina today, a man onstage kept falling asleep. The worst part: It was actually Joe Biden. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Hillary Clinton was reported Sunday plotting a coup to overthrow President Bashar Assad of Syria. She hopes to get it right this time. The last time Hillary Clinton overthrew a president, the lamp missed high and outside and smashed into a portrait of Washington. (Argus Hamilton)


      State lawmakers in Wisconsin have declared Dec. 12 — 12-12-12, get it? — as Aaron Rodgers Day in honor of the Packers' MVP quarterback. Indiana officials, not to be upstaged, retroactively decreed 2-14 as Indianapolis Colts Day. (Dwight Perry)

      Virginia has repealed a law limiting people to buying one handgun a month. Apparently people who want to buy twelve handguns a year are upset that they can't buy them all at once and get the bulk rate discount. (Jim Barach)


      Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio is being accused of inadequately investigating sex-crimes. And a grand jury is investigating his alleged abuses of power. So Arpaio's response? Calling a news conference to say he has probable cause to believe Obama's long-form birth certificate is a forgery. (Janice Hough)

      Orlando police are apparently on the lookout to stop prostitutes trying to sell their services during NBA All-Star weekend. But some fans are crying foul. Unlike the Bobcats, Hornets and Wizards this year, the prostitutes are providing consistent value per entertainment dollar. (Janice Hough)

      The city that has the happiest workers is Miami. Because Miami has both things people need to be happy. Thongs and rollerblading. (Craig Ferguson)

      There's an event being held in New York over the weekend by a group that's working to get yoga as an Olympic sport. NBC is pulling out all the stops to get us to not watch the Olympics, aren't they? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A woman in Nebraska is selling a Chicken McNugget that looks like George Washington. Ironically, the asking price is one dollar. (Alex Shubert)

      A Chicago woman says she is giving up Facebook for Lent. Which means she spent all of Mardi Gras making arrangements that her crops would be taken care of for the next 40 days on Farmville. (Jim Barach)

      A Gainesville, GA paper reported that a student trying to send a text to say "Gunna be at West Hall this afternoon" had auto correct change the 1st word to "Gunman." The recipient alerted authorities and both West Hall High and Middle school were temporarily locked down. Yet more proof that smart phones don't necessarily make smart users. (Janice Hough)

      Darwin award of the year nominee: Police say a Havelock, North Carolina man is dead after he accidentally drank from a jar of gasoline and then smoked a cigarette. He died in the UNC burn center. (Janice Hough)

      Omaha police cited a man for driving while under suspension for the 28th time. I feel sorry for his attorney. "Your honor, my client will never do this again." (Brad Dickson)

      A Connecticut man has dropped a lawsuit to evict his 98 year old mother from his home. Apparently he was worried the candles on her 99th birthday cake would be enough to set the whole block on fire. (Jim Barach)

      In Louisiana a male chimpanzee named Conan is still getting female chimps pregnant despite the fact that he's already had two vasectomies. According to officials, this chimp is so masculine they've stopped calling him Conan. (Conan O'Brien)