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2Humerus News of the Weak 07-26-08

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  • Stan Kegel
    Aug 1, 2008
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-26-08


      McCain said he'd balance the budget by the end of the year, and Barack Obama
      said he'd would bring peace between Israel and the Palestinians. I don't know who
      not to believe. (Jay Leno)

      According to a recent study, a great number of Mexicans are returning to their
      country because of the economic recession in the U. S. Maybe this was Bush's
      plan all along against illegal immigration - just run the economy down and wait
      for them to leave? (Pedro Bartes)

      Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency a total failure.
      Total failure. I don't know, I think he's done okay. I think he's done okay if you
      don't count Iraq. The economy. The environment. Afghanistan. The mortgage
      crisis. The deficit. Gas prices. Hurricane Katrina. Illegal wire tapping. The national
      debt. Tainted food. Failure to catch bin Laden. CIA leaks. Other than that, I think
      it's been pretty good. (David Letterman)

      35 year-old Alex Rodriguez is dating nearly 50 year-old Madonna; I'm not saying
      she's too old for him, but after they have a love spat, Madonna puts A-Rod in a
      time-out. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The White House has rejected a plan to regulate greenhouse gases, saying it could
      cripple the U. S. economy. And if there is anything the Bush administration knows
      about, it's crippling the economy. (Jim Barach)

      Barack Obama issued a strict dress code for staffers and media while they were in
      Israel and Muslim countries. The campaign didn't want to offend any religious
      group in the region. People in the Middle East don't worship Obama the way
      reporters do. (Argus Hamilton)

      Barack Obama was ripped by conservatives Friday for proposing huge spending on
      federal programs to stimulate the economy. His economic philosophy is self-
      evident. His father was from Kenya and his mother was a Kansan, and that
      makes him a Keynesian. (Argus Hamilton)

      Lately, all the economic news has been bad. First, the government had to prop up
      Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Then there was Indymac, the third-largest bank
      failure in U.S. history. Without Indymac, where will indie bands put all the money
      they're not making? Most disturbing of all, last week, the dollar hit another record
      low against the Euro. The Euro is now worth $1.57. To put that into perspective,
      that's more than a dollar. (Stephen Colbert)

      President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the
      government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn't that unbelievable?
      President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he's right, because
      violating the Constitution and breaking the law used to mean jail time. (Jay Leno)

      Barack Obama was denied permission to speak at Berlin's Brandenburg Gate
      where Jack Kennedy and Ronald Reagan gave speeches during the Cold War.
      Germany says it's reserved for presidents. Saviors have to start at the beer halls
      and work their way up. (Argus Hamilton)

      Oh, the price of oil has dropped to under $125 a barrel for the first time in two
      months. And gasoline is down six cents a gallon. You know what this means. The
      White House will call for an emergency bailout to help the struggling oil
      companies. "We got to stop the bleeding!" (Jay Leno)

      The Democratic Convention was reported Tuesday to be planning to give Denver's
      homeless free tickets to movies and the zoo to keep them out of sight. There still
      will be a lot of suffering visible at the convention. For starters, they won't allow
      fried food. (Argus Hamilton)


      Capital Steps: FEMA


      The top TV anchors accompanying Barack Obama overseas deny that they are in
      the tank for him even though they ignored earlier trips by his unnamed opponent.
      "We are covering Barack's ascension to the presidency with a total lack of bias,"
      they explained. (Scott Witt)

      Karl Rove is denying that his ties to the Republican Party undermines his
      credibility working for Fox News. To which everyone at Fox News asked "What's
      credibility?" Actually, he says it was pretty much a prerequisite for getting the job
      in the first place. (Jim Barach)

      NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They've been accused of
      giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC News
      denied it. They said, "That's ridiculous, we've never even heard of John McCain."
      (Jay Leno)

      Barack Obama caught a break Thursday when all three major network news
      anchors decided to cover his trip to the Middle East. They were following their
      instincts as reporters. The chance to see a guy walking on the Sea of Galilee
      comes maybe twice. (Argus Hamilton)


      Barack Obama is very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over
      there saw the cover of the New Yorker. (Jay Leno)

      John McCain said that Social Security is broke and will soon run out of money. In
      fact, today, McCain even told reporters his Social Security number. It's eight. (Jay

      To give you an idea how bad things are for McCain right now, the only way he
      could get less coverage is if he got a primetime show on NBC (Jay Leno)

      Barack Obama is in Europe. He was met there with glorious adulation and warm,
      hearty cheers from well wishers. And once he left the network news anchors, it
      was on to greet the people. (Alan Ray)

      John McCain unveiled a TV ad Monday that blames Barack Obama for rising
      gasoline prices. It seems it was quite effective because today Dick Cheney
      announced he's endorsing Obama. (Pedro Bartes)

      Well, this is Barack's third day in the Middle East, and President Bush says he has
      no timetable for bringing him back home. (Jay Leno)

      The media reported yesterday that, during his visit to Iraq, Barack Obama shot a
      three-pointer in front of the troops from way downtown. McCain immediately said
      thanks to the surge Obama was able to shoot from downtown. (Pedro Bartes)

      Today's New York Times has once again raised the issue that John McCain may
      not be eligible to be president because he is not a natural born U. S. citizen.
      Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies. (Conan O'Brien)

      It was reported Monday that Barack Obama is the presidential candidate with the
      bigger number of paid staffers in history. Well, when you have people in your own
      party that want to cut your nuts you need as much protection as possible. (Pedro

      Phil Gramm has resigned as John McCain's campaign co-chairman after calling
      Americans a bunch of "whiners". He has said he is quitting and that it was just so
      unfair and that one day they will all be sorry! (Jim Barach)

      Barack Obama was in Israel today. Did you see Barack wearing the traditional
      Jewish yarmulke? He looked very Jewish. Yeah. In fact, Jesse Jackson said, I'd
      like to circumcise him. (Jay Leno)

      John McCain has picked up the endorsement of Chuck Norris. Both have something
      in common. One played a character named "Walker". The other keeps one around
      in case he falls. (Alan Ray)

      McCain decided to counteract Obama's speech in Victory Column in Berlin and
      gave his own speech at a German restaurant in Columbus, Ohio. As if that wasn't
      enough, McCain left the place goostepping and drove out in the Oscar Meyer
      Wienermobile. (Pedro Bartes)

      Barack Obama landed in Afghanistan on Saturday where he met with the
      provincial governor of Jalalabad. It was nothing new to him. To Democrats, all
      governors who don't run New York or Massachusetts or California are considered
      provincial governors. (Argus Hamilton)

      Now, you know, I don't want to say McCain is running a lackluster campaign, but
      his Secret Service code name is "Bob Dole." That's not good. (Jay Leno)

      Barack Obama is behaving very presidentially now. He's in the Middle East, and
      he met today with the leaders of Israel and Jordan. And not to be outdone, earlier
      today, John McCain was in the park playing checkers with Ed Koch. (David

      Things are not going particularly well for John McCain. He's way behind in the
      polls and there's news that Barack Obama's merchandise is outselling John McCain
      by four to one. McCain has a strong lead when it comes to sales of the McClapper
      and the McDiaper, which I wore during the Super Bowl. They're excellent. (Jimmy

      The big story is still Barack Obama's world tour. I got to give him credit. Once
      again today, he made history by being the first man to travel around the world in
      a plane propelled only by the power of the media's flash photography. (Stephen

      Presidential candidate Barack Obama was in Germany today. A huge crowd turned
      out to hear him speak. More than 200,000 people cheering him enthusiastically.
      It's the first time they've seen a black person there since they lost Milli Vanilli.
      (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Things are so bad for John McCain -- I know this is going to seem like a joke --
      but I did a Google news search for John McCain and here's what came up:
      nothing. That's real. I mean, it must have been a malfunction. Fortunately, he
      doesn't know how to get on the internet, so it probably won't bother him. (Jimmy

      Well, here's the latest on John Edwards' vice presidential chances. Too much vice,
      not enough presidential. (Jay Leno)

      Well, it was leaked yesterday regarding a possible vice presidential running mate.
      John McCain could be leaning towards Tim Pawlenty. Apparently, McCain wants to
      lower his profile even more. I'm not even sure who Pawlenty was, so I Googled
      him and it said "Who?" He's governor of Minnesota, is that what it is? (Jay Leno)


      Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush's time in office
      as "a total failure." Yeah, Bush defended himself saying, "Oh, come on, I've
      hardly spent any time in my office." (Conan O'Brien)

      Speaker Nancy Pelosi has called President Bush a "total failure". President Bush
      says that isn't true. What better accomplishment for a man from an oil family
      than watching crude soar to $150 a barrel? (Jim Barach)

      President Bush went on to say, today there are no short-term solutions to the
      energy crisis. Apparently, there are no second term solutions either. (Jay Leno)

      President Bush visited California to survey damage from the wildfires. He says it
      was painful to see all those beautiful trees burned toe the ground before they
      could be cut down. (Jim Barach)

      President Bush won't demand energy conservation measures. He figures the best
      system is to just let oil companies keep raising the price of gasoline until no one
      can drive any more. (Jim Barach)


      On Vice President Cheney's recent checkup: During the procedure he waterboarded
      a nurse. (David Letterman)


      Senator Larry Craig gave a Senate speech Tuesday that raised eyebrows. He said
      the U.S. shouldn't let other countries jerk us around by the gas nozzle. If he had
      said that with his foot he would have been thrown in jail for violating his
      probation. (Argus Hamilton)

      Republican Congressman John Peterson says the energy crisis is a greater threat
      to the country than terrorism. However, the high energy prices have made flying
      so expensive even the terrorists don't want to fly any more. (Jim Barach)


      Billy Crystal was appointed Friday to serve on the World Trade Center Memorial
      Committee. This is an effort to get the memorial moving. After seven years they
      have concluded that what's been holding up the project is that it doesn't have
      enough laughs. (Argus Hamilton)


      The attorney for a Gitmo defendant dropped his pants at a news conference.
      Apparently he misunderstood when reporters asked to see his briefs. (Jim Barach)

      Gambler James Battista has been sentenced to prison for his role in the Tim
      Donaghy NBA refereeing scandal. He's also getting an additional two years for
      selling Knicks tickets to a minor. (Jake Novak)

      There's an online registry that lists every known meth lab in the U.S that have
      been identified by Johnny Law as one-time meth labs. Or, if you want more up-
      to-date info, you can always check Amy Winehouse's blackberry. (Pedro Bartes)

      Several states are reportedly admitting sex offenders to government-run nursing
      homes... because if there's anything that makes somebody lose interest in sex,
      it's living in a nursing home. (Jake Novak)


      A report says the U.S. could convert completely to hydrogen power by the year
      2050, with an investment of $200 Billion. Unfortunately, the government has
      invested $1 Trillion just to secure the oil in Iraq. (Jim Barach)

      Well, experts say gas prices should fall by up to three cents a gallon over the next
      week. Three cents a gallon, how about that? Well, this is just in preparation for
      gas rising to $8 a gallon by Labor Day. (Jay Leno)

      The "Misery Index" is at a fifteen year high. The index is based on unemployment
      and inflation. If it included gas prices, personal debt and the banking situation, it
      would have to be renamed the "Disaster Index". (Jim Barach)

      President Bush said that Wall Street "got drunk," and now it's "got a hangover." If
      they have the hangover, why is it that we all have the headache? (Pedro Bartes)

      The national minimum wage increases by 70 cents today to $6.55 per hour,
      meaning Americans now need to work just two hours per day to be able to afford
      to drive to work. (Jake Novak)

      A new video shows President Bush saying our economic woes are because "Wall
      Street got drunk." In reaction to those comments, shares of liquor and wine
      stocks are up 15% in the pre-market. (Jake Novak)

      The government has swooped in to protect Wall Street brokerages by making it
      illegal to sell their stock short, freeing the brokerages to continue selling everyone
      else's stocks short. (Jake Novak)

      America's minimum wage has reached $6.55 an hour, and it'll continue to go up.
      The goal is to wipe out poverty within ten years by guaranteeing that low-skilled
      workers always have enough money to buy cigarettes. (Scott Witt)

      Freddie Mac is preparing to issue stocks for sale. You can get them in one ply soft
      with 1000 sheets or the two-ply super soft with 650 sheets. (Pedro Bartes)

      Freddie Mac is preparing to issue stock for sale. Apparently the certificates will be
      very decorative so buyers can use them for wallpaper when the company goes
      under. (Jim Barach)

      Oklahoma oilman Boone Pickens proposed wind energy in a Senate hearing
      Tuesday. He's been an oilman all his life but he says America has to wean itself
      off oil. This new law saying bartenders have to tell you when you've had enough
      is a real pain. (Argus Hamilton)


      Congress is furious at Air Force officials for spending anti-terrorism funds on
      luxury aircraft interiors in transport planes used by the generals. They wanted
      something nicer than business class travel. A bag of peanuts would've
      accomplished that. (Argus Hamilton)


      Human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise
      human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics.
      Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to
      bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash.
      (Jay Leno)

      China says it will ban entertainers they deem a threat to the government from
      taking part in any activities during the Olympics. You make fun of the
      government, you'll be banned from the Olympics, to which Bush said, "You can do
      that?" (Jay Leno)


      London is now the most expensive place in the world to park, at nearly $70 a day.
      Mostly because that is still cheaper than driving around and having to pay for
      gasoline. Los Angeles is still the cheapest place to park. It costs nothing to park a
      car all day and not move. But that's just on the 405 Freeway. (Jim Barach)

      Buckingham Palace suffered further water damage Thursday which Queen
      Elizabeth can't afford to fix. She can't get a home equity loan. Her family's only
      owned the house for a thousand years and the Bank of England doesn't like to
      lend to speculators. (Argus Hamilton)

      IRAQ & IRAN

      The Iraqi government says it's hoping for a U.S. troop withdrawal by 2010... as
      long as we take them with us. (Jake Novak)

      So far the only gaffe of the trip belongs to Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki. When
      speaking to a German magazine, Maliki said that he supported Obama's plan to
      draw down troops over the next 16 months. Saying "we think it would be the right
      time-frame for a withdrawal," God, Maliki is so naive about Iraq. One presumably
      stern phone call later, and U.S. Centcom released a statement from the Iraqis
      claiming that al-Maliki had been mistranslated by the German magazine, because,
      as you know, there is one thing Germans are known for: sloppiness and lack of
      precision (Jon Stewart)

      The military trial of Osama bin Laden's driver begins today. Do you know what
      they got him for? Breaking the new cell phone hands-free law. Yeah, we got him!
      How do you catch bin Laden's driver and not bin Laden? What, is he hiding down
      under the seat in the back of the car? Didn't the guy pick him up every day at his
      house? (Jay Leno)

      I don't think this guy is being totally honest either. Like, he claims he didn't know
      where bin Laden lives, even though he was his driver. He said whenever he drove
      bin Laden around, he was always blind-folded (Jay Leno)


      Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim called his arrest on sodomy charges a
      "dirty trick and conspiracy." Not to mention the sodomy charges are a real pain-
      in-the-ass. (Alex Kaseberg)


      A new study says that Viagra can increase the sexual desire in women who are on
      antidepressants, especially when they finally see something moving in their
      husbands' pants. (Pedro Bartes)

      A study says that breast self exams do little good. Apparently those doctors doing
      the study want to get in on a little more of the action. (Jim Barach)

      US Health officials are warning that Jalapeno peppers have salmonella; the
      symptoms of salmonella include stomach pain, sweating and diarrhea, essentially
      the same symptoms you get when you eat Jalapenos. This just in: scientists have
      discovered that Jalapenos are the same thing as salmonella. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A study says pomegranate juice is the healthiest of all drinks. Coming in second is
      red wine. Judging by the winos you see on the street, that is one heck of a drop
      off from first to second. (Jim Barach)


      Kansas environmentalists resisted the construction of windmill turbines Friday
      because they break up the beauty of the prairie. Kansans like it flat. You can
      stand on your front porch in Kansas and watch your dog run away for a long, long
      time. (Argus Hamilton)

      It was so hot in New York, Alex Rodriguez had more hot flashes than his girlfriend
      Madonna. (Alex Kaseberg)

      It was so hot in Washington, Jesse Jackson went to the Barack Obama campaign
      headquarters just for the cold stares. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Weather Channel tracked Hurricane Dolly in the Gulf of Mexico as it neared
      landfall in South Texas Tuesday. No evacuation was ordered. Nevertheless, a lot
      of families drove to Dallas just to feel what it's like to get a hundred miles per
      gallon. (Argus Hamilton)


      The baseball All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium lasted a record four hours and
      fifty minutes and went fifteen innings. If the game had been played in Los
      Angeles, that means the last nine innings would have been played in an empty
      stadium. (Jim Barach)

      The Green Bay Packers filed charges against the Minnesota Vikings Thursday for
      improper contact with Brett Favre. What is it about Minneapolis? A man can't even
      go to the airport restroom in that town without having this charge filed against
      him. (Argus Hamilton)

      The NFL began reviewing game films Tuesday to see if players were using secret
      gang signs on the field. There's a reason most teams have gone to the no-huddle
      offense. The players can't associate with one another or it violates their
      probations. (Argus Hamilton)

      How weak is baseball's National League West? The San Diego Padres are .375 and
      still in the hunt. This year winning the National League West is like being the
      named Ralph Nader's running mate. (Alex Kaseberg)


      The Dark Night has become the fastest movie to make $200 million at the box
      office. The only people making money faster are Christian Bale's defense
      attorneys. (Jake Novak)

      The Dark Knight shattered box office records, raking in more than $155 million in
      its opening weekend. Of course with what movie tickets cost now, $155 million at
      the box office means only about 100 people saw the film. (Jake Novak)

      The new film Mamma Mia! broke the opening weekend box office record for a
      musical, making $27.6 million. It also broke the record for attracting the most
      men who really wanted to see The Dark Knight but decided they'd better see
      Mamma Mia! if they wanted to still get lucky with their girlfriends. (Jake Novak)

      Mad Men received eighteen Emmy nominations Monday for the show about a New
      York advertising agency in the early Sixties. All the characters drink, smoke and
      have sex in the workplace. There was a time in this country when there was no
      such thing as a sick day. (Argus Hamilton)

      Saturday Night Live producers announced Monday the show will start four weeks
      early this fall to lampoon the presidential race. They will only do Obama jokes in
      the first thirty minutes of the show. After midnight it's technically the Lord's Day.
      (Argus Hamilton)


      John Edwards was caught by the National Enquirer with his mistress and love child
      at the Beverly Hilton Monday. It's lucky the former presidential candidate is one
      of the nation's best personal injury lawyers. He can represent himself after
      Elizabeth kills him. (Argus Hamilton)

      Dark Knight starring the late Heath Ledger opened to all-time record audiences
      this weekend. The actor's almost-certain Oscar nomination sends a real message
      to young people in Hollywood. You can do heroin and die and not have it hurt your
      career. (Argus Hamilton)

      Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills moved to West Hollywood Monday. She
      has finally found where she belongs. If it weren't for the music on the ice cream
      truck, people in West Hollywood wouldn't know when it's time for breakfast, lunch
      and dinner. (Argus Hamilton)

      Britney Spears lost custody of her two toddlers to former husband Kevin Federline
      Friday in a court ruling. The tabloids hurt her cause. There was a time when a
      photograph of a mother holding onto her little half pints meant kids, not half
      pints. (Argus Hamilton)

      "Batman" star Christian Bale is accused of beating up his own mother and sister
      at the film's premiere in London. Bale told police they were wearing so much
      makeup, he mistakenly thought they were the Joker. (Jake Novak)

      Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his mother and sister. It's understandable;
      how would you react if your mom and sister washed your superhero cape together
      with some red underwear? (Pedro Bartes)

      Billy Joel closed out Shea Stadium with a special appearance from Paul
      McCartney. The audience got to enjoy more hits than Mets Fans have seen over
      the past three seasons. (Jim Barach)

      Jesse Jackson apologized again Thursday when tapes revealed he used the N-word
      as he vowed to cut off Obama's testicles. He had reason to use language like
      that. Jesse Jackson's sick and tired of being the only politician in America with no
      Grammy. (Argus Hamilton)

      Star Jones' husband, Al Reynolds, is trying to set the record straight because the
      media keeps saying he's gay. Reynolds said he is not a homosexual, his sexual
      category is officially an Anyone-but-Star-Jones-O'sexual. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Jonas brothers have purchased a house together in Texas. Finally a house in
      Texas that will have more young girls than the polygamists' sect compound!
      (Pedro Bartes)

      The New York Post said Friday Lindsay Lohan might have a teen-aged half-sister
      in Long Island she never knew was alive. The rush is on to find her. These people
      get so many millions for their baby pictures, it's a better investment than oil
      futures. (Argus Hamilton)


      A report says that one out of every four students in California is dropping out.
      Most students figure they don't need school. They have both a Governor and
      President who have done very well without even a basic grasp of English. (Jim

      More colleges are making their dorm rooms eco friendly. Just like in the 70s when
      there were home grown plants in just about every student's room. (Jim Barach)

      A religious group at Southern Methodist University says they are opposed to
      having a George W. Bush think tank. Not on religious grounds, just logic" (Jay


      Evangelical Christian groups are objecting to Oprah's independent Christianity as
      not being conservative enough. Which is odd because you would think that they
      would let Oprah worship how she wants to seeing as how she is god and
      everything. (Alex Kaseberg)


      Whoopi Goldberg insisted on her right to say the N-word Friday. It's a Southern
      thing. Blacks say the N-word, but not around white people, rednecks say the N-
      word in jokes, but not around black people, and Anglo-Normans say the N-word,
      but only at white guys who can't drive, stoplights that turn red, and golf balls that
      go out of bounds. (Argus Hamilton)


      Swiss drug maker Roche is paying $43.7 billion to buy New Jersey-based
      Genentech. Roche figured than any company that can make something out of the
      gene pool in New Jersey must be worth its weight in gold. (Jake Novak)

      Ford posted an $8.7 billion loss in the last three months. The company expects to
      do better in the next three months by cutting costs and selling their SUV's at
      Detroit pawn shops. (Jake Novak)

      The CEO of mortgage lender Freddie Mac made $20 Million last year despite the
      company losing half its value. Even oil company executives were wondering how
      he pulled that off. (Jim Barach)

      American Airlines is planning on laying off 1,500 maintenance workers. Apparently
      they feel there is no sense in maintaining planes that are just sitting on the
      ground. (Jim Barach)


      A professor of DePaul University in Chicago estimates that 15 to 20 per cent of
      people are chronic procrastinators. The study will be published later this year, or
      next year, or maybe never. (Pedro Bartes)


      Chicago O'Hare Airport officials dispatched ambulances to assist the Mexicana
      Airlines jet that overshot the runway and crashed into a safety barrier Friday. No
      one was hurt. All one hundred and forty-two passengers parachuted out over
      California. (Argus Hamilton)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...