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125Weakly Humerus News 06-05-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    Jun 5, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-05-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      The sports world is still buzzing about Jim Joyce's mistake at first base last night. It might be the most famous blown call in history. Or at least since when Bill Clinton was talking on the phone in the Oval Office while being serviced by Monica. (Janice Hough)

      A New York judge dismissed a lawsuit against Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen that accused their bodyguards of shooting at some photographers during their nuptials. Hmm. I didn't know they had a shotgun wedding. (RJ Currie)

      No need for a big investigation into the gulf oil leak. From what I've read, the whole system is rigged. (Marc Ragovin)

      Signaling the end of PM Gordon Brown's authoritarian rule, Britain's new government canceled a proposed plan that would have required Brits to carry an ID card. Critics condemned the plan as too close to totalitarian regimes like Nazi Germany… Soviet Russia… Arizona... (Bob Mills)

      French and Dutch speaking Belgians are considering splitting the country over their differences. People who are neutral on the subject are called Belgian wafflers. (Jim Barach)

      Rapper Snoop Dogg says he likes to wear a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey because the hockey team's logo reminds him of a marijuana leaf. And in a related story, the Snooper just awarded himself the Lady Bong Trophy. (Dwight Perry)

      Souvenir-crazed fans snapped up 3,000 unused tickets from Roy Halladay's perfect game — at face value — within four hours of the Florida Marlins putting them up for sale. "All in a day's work," said the Marlins' GM, P.T. Barnum. (Dwight Perry)

      L. A. Angels' first baseman Kendry Morales is out for the season after teammates celebrating his walk-away, game-winning home run, rushed from the dugout to greet him at home plate and broke his leg. A pro-athlete hasn't been injured that badly at home since Tiger Woods. (Bob Mills)

      John Wooden passed away tonight at the age of 99. Or as Larry King said "So tragically young!" (Janice Hough)

      Jose Canseco says that he could've been a professional bowler. I don't know about that--he's always had trouble staying out of the gutter. (Bill Littlejohn)

      THE OIL SPILL

      Why is BP taking so long to mop up the gulf oil spill? They've sent the same people who clean the restrooms. (Alan Ray)

      The gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U. S. history. In fact, they're calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey, (Jay Leno)

      So now they're dumping golf balls into the Gulf of Mexico to plug up BP's leak. And to think that all this time I've been preventing oil spills at golf courses across the country. (Terry Etter)

      The saddest part is the spill. But close is BP's choice of public-relations theme song: "Fuels Rush in Where Anglers Fear to Tread." (Barry Henderson)

      Filmmaker James Cameron, who made "Titanic" and "Avatar, " has joined in the effort to find a way to plug the leak in the Gulf. He has no idea how to fix the leak, but he thinks Leonardo DiCaprio will cause the rig to blow up in the movie. (Jerry Perisho)

      The good news is BP is going to give Louisiana fisherman 100% compensation for their lost wages based on their tax returns. The bad news is Louisiana fishermen haven't paid their taxes since the Civil War. (Jake Novak)

      Computer models are showing the the Gulf oil spill reaching the U. S. east coast and eventually making it to Europe. British Petroleum has now taken the Sherwin Williams motto "We cover the earth". (Jim Barach)

      Employees at a California medical marijuana facility have joined a union. And management thought those people were listless, unmotivated and unproductive before. (Jim Barach)

      In a new video that is light on his usual threats but heavy on admiration, Osama bin Laden admits that he is "professionally envious" of oil giant BP's massive oil spill, saying that it puts his efforts to create destruction and chaos to shame. (Andy Borowitz)

      The weirdest thing about the BP spill is hearing all the Republican cries for government intervention. Hey Alice, how do we get out of this rabbit hole? (Will Durst)

      The Department of Commerce said the economic damage to the Gulf of Mexico will not likely be cleaned up by the end of the year. Novelty toymakers are ready. This Christmas the singing plastic fish Billy Bass will perform selections from Grease. (Argus Hamilton)

      AL & TIPPER GORE

      Bad news for Al Gore. Tipper's divorce attorney called Google to find out how much half of the Internet is worth. (Paul Seaburn)

      Al and Tipper Gore have split up after 40 years of marriage. He’ll no doubt notice the environmental natural of the divorce trial. In court she is expected to ask for a lot of green. (Alan Ray)

      Al and Tipper Gore are splitting up after 40 years of marriage. Mrs. Gore said: "Oh, I was aware of those accusations that Al was a 'tree hugger.' I saw the smirks on people's faces, and I heard the snickering behind my back. For the longest time I refused to believe it, but eventually the evidence became overwhelming: the bark burns on his chest, the sap on his hands, the leaves and twigs in his hair. I knew it was more than 'just bringing in some firewood.' " (Bill Mihalic)

      Al and Tipper Gore are separating after 40 years of marriage. Maybe they'll work it out. Otherwise, Al, you'll have to polish your Nobel Prize yourself. -- Assuming you get custody of it. -- It just won't seem right. Big Al Gore without his faithful companion, Tipper. -- "Look! Up in the woods! It's a moose... it's a bear... No, it's the Lone Tree Hugger!" (Joe Hickman)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Today, President Obama flew to Louisiana to see the gulf cleanup effort firsthand. And it was just like President Bush's trip to Louisiana, except Obama actually landed. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Barack Obama enjoyed a long Memorial Day holiday weekend a the family home in Chicago. It was the First Family's first sleepover at their red-brick home in more than a year. That's all we know about it since Republicans were not able to get Michelle to wear a wire. (Joe Hickman)

      CONGRESS

      House Minority Leader John Boehner wants Paul McCartney to apologize for his comment upon receiving a Library of Congress award – "After the last eight years, it's great to have a president who knows what a library is. " And to be fair, I am sure Laura has told W. what a library is, he just hasn't been in one. (Janice Hough)

      THE COURTS

      The Supreme Court decided in a 5-4 decision on Monday that criminal suspects must tell police if they're invoking the right to remain silent. You can no longer invoke your right to remain silent by remaining silent; you have to talk to the police to protect your right to silence. Isn't that a little like celebrating your right to be a vegetarian by eating a steak? (Frank King)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich began his corruption trial in Chicago. Several of the jurors, all registered voters, were actually still living. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Los Angeles City Council passed a resolution calling for the city to boycott Arizona. They also ordered Universal Studios to destroy all prints of "Raising Arizona" and "Flight of the Phoenix." Not to be outdone, the Honolulu City Council will vote on whether to blow up the USS Arizona. (Bob Mills)

      An Ohio woman was surprised when she discovered a groundhog that had been making noise under the hood of her car. When mechanics pulled it out, the groundhog saw its shadow; that means 6 more weeks of accelerator pedal problems. (Jerry Perisho)

      U.S. POLITICIANS

      Sarah Palin has earned 12 million dollars in book and appearance fees since quitting as governor of Alaska. She’s got her audience in the palm of her hand. No, wait a minute, that’s her speech. (Alan Ray)

      Sarah Palin built a 14-foot high wooden fence around her Alaska home because an author who is writing a book about her moved in next door. But, rest easy, because the wood had a knothole and she can still keep an eye on the Russians. ( Jerry Perisho)

      The George W. book "Deciderisions" is now in correctorations. The book starts when he's really drunk and ends when he'd really like to be. (Michael Feldman)

      Hey, all you ladies out there who like to hang your laundry on the line, Al Gore's available. (Bill Williams)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The Brooklyn Bridge is about to undergo a $500 million renovation. Well, that should make it easier to sell. (Bill Mihalic)

      General Motors announced Monday it is developing a much longer-running Chevy Volt. The competition is fierce in clean-car technology. Ford announced they just invented the world's first water-powered car, but it only runs on water from the Gulf of Mexico. (Argus Hamilton)

      A food investment firm has purchased Pabst Blue Ribbon beer for $250 million. It would have only cost $150 million. But the new owners bought it at an AM/PM. (Alan Ray)

      BP says if "top kill" fails, they'll try something called the "junk shot." Hey, worked last night for the Lakers. (Jay Leno)

      A 36-year-old woman is suing United Airlines for leaving her asleep in her seat for over three hours. I'm not sure why she's so upset; it doesn't seem to bother Toronto Maple Leafs fans. (RJ Currie)

      Plans are now underway to construct a 270-mile express line to ferry high-rollers between Los Angeles and Las Vegas. The high-speed party train will feature a special open-air "tanning car" that will cater to passengers making the return trip without a shirt. (Bob Mills)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes when their owners' blood sugar drops. They're great at it, but only when diabetes is in your crotch. (Jimmy Fallon)

      EUROPE

      An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, "Exactly how many balloons?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      SCIENCE

      A 60-year-old woman in China just gave birth to twins. She says she's going to use cloth diapers because she finds the disposable ones a little uncomfortable. (Jimmy Fallon)

      SPORTS

      The Los Angeles Lakers won the right on Saturday to play the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals. What a dream match-up. It's one of the great rivalries, like the Yankees vs. Dodgers, Oklahoma vs. Texas and the State of Louisiana vs. British Petroleum. (Argus Hamilton)

      The offensively-challenged San Francisco Giants scored one run tonight in 11 innings, while the Philadelphia Phillies have been shut out five times in the last ten games. What do they think this is, the World Cup? - The Giants and Phillies have also actually both won 1-0 games in the past week. If these two teams played each other, it might have to be decided by penalty kicks. (Janice Hough)

      On the possibility of freezing temperatures when the Meadowlands, N.J., hosts the 2014 Super Bowl: The halftime show will be performed by Vanilla Ice. (Bill Littlejohn)

      The Dodgers won a weird one at Chavez Ravine on Monday night when the winning run scored in the bottom of the ninth — on a balk committed by Arizona pitcher Esmerling Vasquez. The Diamondbacks didn't dispute the call, thus saving second-base ump Tim Tschida the ignominy of being labeled a balk-off homer. (Dwight Perry)

      Three things I would go with if I had my choice as a tennis player: 3. Roger Federer's backhand; 2. Rafa Nadal's forehand; 1. Maria Sharapova. (RJ Currie)

      It's only been 49 years since the Blackhawks last hoisted the NHL trophy. It just seems longer. When my team last won the Stanley Cup, players didn't wear helmets, goalies didn't wear masks. I think the puck was still made out of wood." (Chicago native David Jacobson, the U. S. ambassador to Canada)

      New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was in possession of a bag of marijuana when cops stopped his car in New York. Chandler explained he has a chronic problem that requires medical marijuana; he plays for the Knicks. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Germany, in case you missed it, staged its first national strip-poker tournament in Hamburg last month. Flummoxed competitors couldn't decide whether to go all-in or all-off. (Dwight Perry)

      Diego Maradona's vowed to run nude through the streets of Buenos Aires if Argentina wins the World Cup. If coaches are going to start running naked, it's just as well Stan Van Gundy didn't get an NBA title. (Brad Dickson)

      Argentine soccer legend and coach Diego Maradonna reportedly ran over a reporters leg with his car. Apparently he blamed it on the handbrake of God. (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      Kendry Morales of the Angels broke his leg at home plate celebrating his game-winning grand slam against Seattle. Is that still considered a walk-off home run? (RJ Currie)

      The MVPs who have reigned the last two seasons in the National League, NFL, NBA and NHL — Albert Pujols, Peyton Manning, LeBron James and Alex Ovechkin — have one other thing in common, No championships won in that time. (Jerry Crowe)

      No offense to LeBron James, but isn't Simon Cowell the free agent most in demand right now? (Bob Molinaro)

      The Phillies’ Roy Halladay threw a perfect game against the Marlins. Florida’s performance was like a date with Lady Gaga. No men reached first base. (Alan Ray)

      Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins. His next goal is to throw one against a Major League team. (Jim Barach)

      Perception is everything. Jason Heyward, with nine home runs and 35 RBI, is having an amazing rookie season in Atlanta. Albert Pujols, with nine home runs and 34 RBI, is having a horrible season in St. Louis. (Steve Simmons)

      Jose Canseco says that he could've been a professional bowler. I don't know about that–he's always had trouble staying out of the gutter. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Giants pitcher Barry Zito was enjoying a drink at an upscale bar last week, when a long-haired young man in scruffy attire approached and a restaurant staffer interceded, telling the suspected interloper, "I'm sorry, please don't bother Mr. Zito. No autographs tonight." Tim Lincecum must have been floored. (Jerry Crowe)

      Reliever George Sherrill says he injured his back — earning himself a spot on the 15-day disabled list — while awkwardly climbing into bed so as to avoid disturbing his wife. And he calls himself a Dodger? (Dwight Perry)

      That faux see-through corset Venus Williams wore during her French Open opener? Just think of it as a teddy bare. (Dwight Perry)

      Some news sources called Flyer Chris Pronger a thief and even a burglar for taking the puck after games one and two in Chicago. Personally, I'd call him a puckpocket. (RJ Currie)

      Lebron James told Larry King he is leaning toward Cleveland. Most experts are inclined to disagree. (RJ Currie)

      Umpire Jim Joyce blew a call and took away a perfect game from Armando Galarraga. Oh well, nobody's prefect. (RJ Currie)

      There was plenty of kerfuffle over umpire Joe West tossing White Soxs' pitcher Mark Buehrle for arguing a balk. In the end, it was just a lot hurler Buehrle hurly-burly. (RJ Currie)

      New York Yankee Nick Swisher told reporters he is engaged to Gossip Girl star Joanna Garcia. You'd have to score that a fielder's choice! (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      “Twilight Saga: Eclipse” premieres this month. High school senior Bella must choose between a vampire and a werewolf. It used to be so simple when it was just jocks and geeks. (Alan Ray)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Singer-actress Jennifer Hudson dieted her way from a size 16 to a 6, the most amazing loss of useless flab since the Raiders cut JaMarcus Russell. (Janice Hough)

      Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song "Michelle" to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played "Fool on the Hill." (Craig Ferguson)

      Charlie Sheen will spend 30 days in jail on domestic assault charges. He'll find life in the slammer is different from Hollywood. Someone's big break usually involves bloodhounds. (Alan Ray)

      Sarah Ferguson told "Inside Edition" she would love to appear on "Dancing With the Stars. " And she said, if the price is right, Prince Andrew can come along. (Jay Leno)

      Reality TV star Heidi Montag said she had to split from her husband Spencer Pratt just to have a chance to "get away from the lies". Heidi is absolutely distraught; she sobbed so hard her forehead nearly moved. (Jerry Perisho)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Lindsay Lohan was ordered to quit drinking by Judge Marsha Revel Tuesday. Talk about a Hollywood ending. Lindsay's going to Texas to play a porn star and make a fortune while the judge is going to lose her pension because California is bankrupt. (Argus Hamilton)

      Lindsay Lohan is concerned that the alcohol-monitoring bracelet on her ankle can ruin the filming of her upcoming movie. Especially considering she'll be playing a porn star and she's worried that the ankle bracelet will keep getting caught on her earrings. (Pedro Bartes)

      Maybe it's just me, but I don't remember asking Jesse James to come forward and tell me his side of the story. That said, turns out he cheated on his beautiful, Oscar winning, movie star wife, because he was abused as a kid. And suffered brain damage? (Frank King)

      THE MEDIA

      Rush Limbaugh is getting married for the fourth time. This is shocking. There are four women in American stupid enough to consider marrying Limbaugh? - And with this fourth wife, it now means Limbaugh has had more wives than our last three Democratic presidents COMBINED. (Janice Hough)

      May brought lower ratings for Larry King at CNN. Apparently that 9:00 show time is just way too late for his audience. (Jim Barach)

      CNN news-thrush Campbell Brown, whose ratings this season have plummeted 40% from a year ago, has requested a release from her contract. Network insiders say she was pushed over the edge when the
      CNN Promo Department came up with a new theme for her that went "Um-um good, um-um good, that's what Campbell Brown is… " (Bob Mills)

      RELIGION

      We have as a guest tonight, Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I'm going to ask the question that's on everyone's mind: "As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?" (Craig Ferguson)

      HISTORY

      Archaeologists have found the tomb of a 3300 year old mayor of Memphis, Egypt. Campaign signage reveals the political ideology of the times. "Right to Bear Spears. " (Alan Ray)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A growing number of teenage girls say they are using the rhythm method for birth control. That's why there is also a growing number of teenage mothers. (Jim Barach)

      A Reader's Digest survey in Germany found that only 5% of Germans would choose having sex over watching a German World Cup final game. Germans take soccer over sex, food, laughter and every other human pleasure with the exception of invading France. (Jerry Perisho)

      Miss Ellie, a bug-eyed Chinese Crested Hairless dog whose pimples and lolling tongue helped her win the 2009 World's Ugliest Dog title, has died at age 17. The only thing uglier in the news this week was the Blue Jays bullpen. (RJ Currie)

      POLLS & SURVEYS

      A study says that 40% of all teenagers have had sex at least once. The other 60% just say they have. (Jim Barach)

      According to the latest census survey, the number of people without he
      alth insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance. (Jay Leno)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...