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THE MOST INTERESTING MALE/FEMALE (beyond the species) IN THE WORLD (issue 51)

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  • The Troubadour
    {Oh Happy Day. ALL DAY--until now--the electricity s been off. Some dweefus neighbor did *something*--like dig? like NOT check with the utilities first?
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 8, 2011
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      {Oh Happy Day. ALL DAY--until now--the electricity's been off. Some
      dweefus neighbor did *something*--like dig? like NOT check with the
      utilities first? like his own "backyard ultra" for ripping free juice off
      the power grid?--that I don't know about. But suddenly the Commonwealth
      Edison Valkyrie Vehicles swooped down en masse all up and down the block,
      and within hours... and hours... and hours... the enemy had been subdued,
      the area secured, the necessary new holes dug, new poles sunk, and all new
      wires connected. Honest to Ja, the "fixing" of bin Laden's compound went
      But the way-positive way it has all turned out--on the hottest day of the
      year, my A/C unit *now* starts to work--has gotten me to change my mind
      about... backyard ultras. Specifically Laz's. Which starts with "B" and
      rhymes with "D" and stands for Dog. John Nevels e-'d awhile ago suggesting
      that TMIDITW treatment be given for none other than Laz's dog Big, or Mr.
      Big, or Big Dog, or lowercase big. In any case (yes, Case has had a hand in
      it too--along with his sisters) on a truly "dog day afternoon" today in
      sweltering northeastern Illy-noise heat, our unsuspecting thanks goes out to
      John for his beyond-the-species suggestion, and to Lazarus Lake for taking
      such good care of most sub-humans (except for Bark-leyites and beings of
      their ilk) in the first place.
      Here, we think, are the big pictures...
      ...but big's available writings on the Internet are just a tad tougher to

      Although he spent a troubled youth living in mortal fear of water and
      bicycles, he has since conquered those fears and won the Bona Hawaiian
      Irondog Twice.

      His life has been one of frequent adoption--then abandonment--but he's not
      let it "get to him." He now gathers others into his own fold, such as
      squirrels and raccoons and beasts of the forest--like Backyard and Barkley
      and Vol-State runners--and resolves never, ever to abandon them, despite the
      fact that sometimes even they might wish he'd leave them alone.

      His strength as a homeowner is well known. Once when he observed that his
      house was too close to the pool (causing water damage to his flooring), he
      simply moved the house.

      His credentials as a personal trainer and running coach are impeccable. He
      has been known to motivate even a dry stone man to get up off his plot, come
      to life, and tread a few miles outdoors on that great imaginary Times Square
      suspended treadmill for all of Bell Buckle, Tennessee, to see.

      And one has not lived until one has heard him barking orders.

      In the world of better sunrises, he is awake before all of them. He fairly
      pounces upon his client to wake up and begin the workout. He then leads the
      client out along the righteous path to gaze at the sunrise. Without saying
      a word, he expects the client to take mental notes. Without supplying any
      paper or pencils, he later requires the client to take his test.

      He generally proves his superiority in just these subtle ways. Sometimes,
      out of desperation, the client will interrogate *him*; but he passes every
      test, exceeds every expectation, and outperforms the client at every level.

      He has totally captured and seized the affections of an entire
      generation--specifically the one sired by his client. And although being
      licked to death is possibly a whole new way to succumb, none of these folks
      have so far complained.

      He has become the "Poster Dog" for Michael Vick's goody-two-shoes
      rehabilitation campaign. But this does not mean he never gave Mr. Vick the
      tongue-lashing of his life before agreeing to such public service
      announcements to begin with.

      In being able to cure cancer, rescue orphans from burning buildings during
      marathons, help old ladies in dys dress, call for pizza, run across the
      country, set all-new world records, and raise more money for North Face and
      other charities than any other marketing leviathan alive, he still has a
      long way to go to out-do "The Amazing Mr. K," but he IS getting closer.


      "I don't always grin and bark and nuzzle and lick; but when I do, I prefer
      hydrated live men to dry stone ones. Stay affectionate, my friends."

      ( 00 )

      See (and hear) some originals:


      Also here:

      [and thanks to UltraJohn Price--our latest Transcontinental runner who was
      NOT blessed with TV appearances nor got hardly any affection at all from
      Kelly OR Regis--for supplying this link in place of that former long and
      always-broken one].

      My mark:

      Rich Limacher
      ("your 800-year-old lute-plucker, dog lover, and French song-and-dance-man
      who probably taught big's ancestors how to pluck" :-).

      Yankee Folly of the Day:
      ComEd. It means never having to say they're sorry.
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