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Real Men/Women of Genius #76

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  • The Troubadour
    [This, coming in the wake of recent tragedies involving runners and ultrarunners, is bound to set a few folks off. But please, bear with me as you would
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 7, 2011
      [This, coming in the wake of recent tragedies involving runners and
      ultrarunners, is bound to "set a few folks off." But please, bear with me
      as you would "Mr. Warmth"--Don Rickles--who loves to insult folks, then
      invite them backstage after the show. Call me "Mr. Cold Dead Hand." ;-]

      Bud Light presents...


      {Re-al men of geeeeeene-yuss}

      Today we salute you, Mr. Defender of the 2nd Amendment--After a Runner Is
      Killed in a Hunting Accident--For All The Wrong Reasons.

      {Mis-ter Smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiith goes-to-Wassssh-shing-ton and
      filllllll-i-bussssss-ters for-a-month!}

      After such a forest tragedy, someone philosophically raises the question
      "maybe the 2nd Amendment itself needs amending--or repealing?" and right
      away you see the ghost of Charlton Heston rising up out of the woodsy
      morning mist with his bolt-action Springfield thrust upwards towards heaven
      from his speaker's platform, where he loudly, deeply, and chillingly
      intones: "OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HAND!!!"

      {We'llllllllll leave you the rif-le and-just-uuuuuuse-it-to-chill-our-beer!}

      Please. Save the dramatics. It *is* a legit question because times have
      changed. Americans are no longer fighting Redcoats, Cherokees, or jaguars
      and wolves all over their backyard chicken coops. Certainly not with
      flintlocks, muzzle-loaders, or blunderbusses. And for hunting? What better
      test of real skill than with a bow and a quiver of arrows?

      {"Frommmm the deer stand, ri-co-chet-ing twice, glannnnn-cing
      off-the-cap-stone, and noth-ing but eye-ball!"}

      But no. You argue, along with good old Moses, that it is your by-God
      Constitutional-given gollamn RIGHT to bear arms--shotguns, rifles, M-16s,
      AK-47s, 50-caliber machine guns, and armor-piercing weaponry of every
      description--all because of that Founding Fathers' mandate for blowing the
      brains out of a few wild turkeys, fleeing geese, and the occasional sick and
      limping white-tailed deer.

      {"I wannn-na kill-kill!--KILL!!! I'm sit-tin' here on the Group-W bench,
      an' I jus' wannnnn-na KILL!!!!!!!!!!!"}

      The plain fact is, if there were no guns, that dead runner would still be
      alive. Ohhhh, save it, Mr. Self-Appointed Universal Spokesman for the
      National Rifle Association. No one's going to rip that freezing petrified
      gunstock out from the death-grip of your stiff frozen carcass in January up
      there in moose country. We'll wait until spring.

      {Jussssssssst like Jer-e-mi-ah Johnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-son!}

      But of course the REAL REASON why you argue how precious is Amendment
      Second, is because its need was hinted at in the Declaration of Independence
      where it talks about citizens being able to defend themselves against
      tyranny, invasion from large armies of foreign mercenaries, and
      government-incited domestic insurrections--not to mention the fact that the
      Amendment itself better justifies our militia rather than your hunting down
      marauding invaders from despotic kings. "It's my last line of defense!" you
      argue. "What if we suddenly did have a military takeover, like they have
      all the time in South America?"


      Well, in that case you might just as well lean back and crack open an
      ice-cold Bud Light, O Paul Revere of the Light Brigade, because now we're
      just dying to see how well you *can* defend the neighborhood--even WITH your
      rec room safe full of barely legal firearms--against that very military coup
      when it ROARS down your street driving M1A1/2 Abrams battle tanks, with
      troop carriers firing shoulder-harnessed mini-warheads, jet aircraft
      strafing your bedrooms, and the occasional ship-launched Tomahawk missile
      zooming straight at your now-empty rifle-clip-carrying ass at five hundred
      and fifty miles per hour. Hey, duck!

      {Misssssssssss-ter Deeee-fen-der-of-the-2nd-A-mend-ment--After a Run-ner Is
      Killed in a Hun-ting Ac-ci-dent--For Allllllllll The Wrong Rea-sonnnsss!}

      Bud Light beer: we don't care where they brew it; we just dig their

      ( O_O )

      Yours troubly,

      Rich Limacher
      "that 800-year-old lute-plucking and ale-sucking song-and-dance man from
      (now on tab at http://www.runrace.net/)

      Yankee Folly of the Day:
      We don't suppose a bow and a quiver of arrows would make much difference
      either against the onslaught of roaring tanks.
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