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7769RE: [Hammock Camping] Bolt from the blue...

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  • Shane Steinkamp
    Dec 30, 2004
      > OK. Perhaps your second installment could be on the "shoot-em-up"
      > mysteries of hammock hanging.

      Well, that's not very ambitious... Hmmm...

      A tenter and a hammocker drew shelters at 20 paces? Like, who would want to
      see that? I mean...it would be so...pathetic...

      A little more ambitious might be something epic...something religious...

      And the Lord, seeing the plight of Man (and Woman!) from on high, and seeing
      that the little ones were cold at night, took pity, and dispatched to them
      an Angel saying, "The little ones shiver, the men suffer pains, and the
      women are forever restless. Their cries and prayers in the night keep me
      awake. Go, ye, therefore and shelter my children!"

      The Angel of the Lord did descend and seeing the plight of the people,
      wondered what to do. And LO!, before him appeared Omar the Tent Maker and
      sayeth to the Angel of the Lord, "Behold! I am your humble servant Omar!
      Allow me to demonstrate my warez!" The Angel of the Lord listened to Omar
      the Tent Maker, and his words seemed pure and good, and the Angel of the
      Lord was taken in by Omar's sales pitch. Alas! The Angel of the Lord did
      not know that in truth Omar was none other than the Devil's Own Minion - the
      Unholy Demon of Sleepless Nights.

      It came to pass that The Angel of the Lord did cause Omar's sales to rise,
      and the Children of the Lord were sheltered from the wind and the cold - but
      the Devil laughed in the forest for the Children of God were still restless
      upon the ground. He even went so far as to meet with his minion and devise
      the cruelest of devices - the Bivy.

      The Angel of the Lord did return and say unto the lord, "Behold! Thy
      Children shiver no more!" And the Lord did look down from On High, and
      LOOK! Indeed the Children did not shiver! That night, though, the prayers
      of the people did come to the Lord, and he looked down and saw that while
      the Children did not shiver, the People were still afflicted upon the stony

      The Lord was filled with Anger and Righteous Indignation, and demanded, "Who
      has done this!? Who has done this!?" The Devil and Omar laughed and
      laughed, and ran among the people and gloated; and they mocked the Children
      of the Lord with many mockings, and sold them heavy sleeping pads that did
      devlop many leaks.

      And, LO! The Lord did appear before them and in his Righteous Anger, he did
      smite the Unholy Tent Demon with a mighty smiting and Cursed the Unholy Tent
      Demon with many Curses! The Lord said to him, "You! You! You who have
      caused my Children to lay low upon the stony ground! Cursed are ye! For
      your Treacharery in causing Man (and Woman!) to spend restless nights, you
      yourself will never partake of my Restful Bliss!"

      And LO! The Lord Himself drew forth from his own Holy Pack a Blessing of
      Many Blessings, and the people called the blessing Hammock to forever remind
      them that upon seing it they cried aloud, "HA!", and then mocked the Unholy
      Tent Demon with many mockings. The Tent Demon howled a terrible howl, and
      being thus accursed, raged against the Men and Women of the Holy Hammock,
      but all his cries were for Naught.

      The Children of the Lord, being brought into Restful Bliss, had been saved
      from a fate worse than death - the Mortal Sin of Ground Sleeping. And the
      People did Sigh a Restful Sigh.

      As time went on, though, the People began to Murmur. "It is cold at night,
      and we have no underquilt!" It was in this way that Omar lead away many
      with promises of "It's lighter!" and "Half off after Giftmas!"

      The Lord came to hear of it, and was saddened. "My People! My People!
      Again they sleep upon the ground... I will send among them a Prophet!"

      Hmmm... I might go to hell if I keep going with this. I be they don't have
      hammocks in hell...

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