It has been my experience that when people act ugly
towards others, it's because they are feeling ugly on
the inside. Their feelings are directed towards
others, but those others did not cause those feelings.
It is likely that your family member is
experiencing a great deal of grief and anger over the
loss of his wife and the added responsibilities he now
has to shoulder. Additionally, he needs a target for
these feelings. He cannot blame his dead spouse
directly, so he turns those feelings against the
people he can blame, usually those who are safe
targets in the sense that rather than retaliate they
will be hurting too. It's as if he were saying, "Feel
my pain, and then talk."
The targets are usually "safe" also in the sense
that the aggressor knows they love him and will
continue to love him even while he is hurting them.
These people would not dare use such tactics or even
try them out on someone who does not have a vested
interest in their behavior. You have a vested interest
because of your love for the grandchildren and for
your daughter. These give your family member a "hook,"
allowing him to get to you.
I can offer you also the consolation I gave my
sister, and it will prove equally true in your case I
trust. He will need you much sooner than you will need
Bide your time. Let time work its magic.
Further, those grandchildren are likely hurting as
much as you are. Do you think for one minute that they
are not going to grow up and reach out to you?
Given their mother's death, what are the chances
they will reject their mother's mom? Not likely, I'd
As for the lawyer, in most cases the initial
consultation is free. It will not cost you to explore
your rights and the choices open to you.
A possible drawback, though, is prolonging or
intensifying the hostility between you and your
relative if you do pursue legal remedies.
Give it careful thought.
You might also enlist the help of other family
members who have influence with him and can bring him
around to seeing your side of things.
--- Shade Barnes <shadebarnes@...
> Thank you and thank you all for the encouragement I
> have received. I am praying so hard that God will
> change his heart. I really don't know what to do,
> I do feel like if I take him to court it is going to
> make it worse on the kids cause he has a bad
> temper. I contacted Lt. Governor Beverly Perdue
> and she told me to just hire a lawyer, that can be
> very expensive.
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Carol Singh" <csinghworthington@...>
> To: email@example.com
> Cc: "Carol B. Singh" <CSinghWorthington@...>
> Sent: Thursday, January 3, 2008 10:41:28 AM
> (GMT-0500) America/New_York
> Subject: Re: [genpcncfir] Need Signatures for trying
> to get rights to see and visit my Grandchildren
> Dear Deborah,
> People are sometimes inexplicably cruel. I do
> believe, though, that "the evil we do comes back to
> plague the inventor," as Shakespeare phrased it.
> I realize that mere words are poor consolation for
> an aching heart. Many of our relatives and friends
> supported my sister for more than three years of
> separation from her only granddaughter--not the act
> an in-law but of her son.
> We had the same legal recourse in Virginia as is
> available in North Carolina. However, I persuaded my
> sister not to take that route but to pray every day
> that God would soften the hardened heart.
> Just last spring, my nephew approached my sister,
> my daughter with infant granddaughter in her arms,
> me all of whom were attending his daughter's first
> ballgame, hugged each of us, told us he loved us,
> thanked us for coming and for our continued support
> his daughter throughout the months of our
> asked forgiveness, and said that he had missed us
> than we could know.
> What made our ordeal the more painful for my
> sister was that she had raised that granddaughter
> infancy until she was seven years old. Worst than
> anything, though, was the suffering of that little
> girl. Under the pressure of not knowing what was
> to say to whom, she began to stutter. A former "A"
> student, she received failing grades in both math
> Instead of help at home, her parents criticized
> her relentlessly and punished her for the failing
> grades. The only good to come of this is that the
> school intervened and provided free tutoring in math
> and reading that over time brought her grades up and
> prevented her failing for the year.
> It's a shame when grown-ups make a child a pawn in
> an emotional game of chess. The ultimate victim is
> Couples can divorce or break old ties upon the
> death of a spouse, but the ties that bind the child
> both families are eternal. I am sure that those of
> in this group have learned that through our
> if we hadn't picked up on it earlier through other
> Law choses not to legislate the human heart. Only
> God can tame that unruly beast.
> My words to you come from our family's own pain
> and suffering. In your hour of need, I will help you
> in any way I can. If my signature will help, tell me
> how to respond, and I will do so.
> Some states have begun to be cognizant of
> grandparents' rights. With more of us grandparents
> there, I am hopeful that legislation will be passed
> ensure our access to our grandchildren. In the
> meantime, all of us can help by contacting our
> elective officials with our collective voices.
> Later, Carol
> --- christinebarnes1949 < shadebarnes@...
> > I am in need of signatures. I have been a member
> > of this group for a
> > long time and need help. My only daughter died Nov
> > 22, 2006 from
> > AML, I remember all the support and prayers I
> > received from this group.
> > My son in law has not allowed my two grandsons,
> > is 7 and one is 2
> > to visit me since my daughter's death. This
> > Holiday season I did
> > not get to see them at all.
> > NC does have some grandparent's rights but not
> > other states. I
> > am hoping this group will help me with as many
> > signatures as possible
> > so I can try to get visiting rights to these boys.
> > They are all I
> > have left of my daughter.
> > Thank you
> > Deborah Smith Barnes
> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.