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Funny Jokes

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  • David Kaplan
    Construction Site Murder http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/ A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other
    Message 1 of 29 , Apr 16, 2009
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      Construction Site Murder

      http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/


      A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

      The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

      The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

      The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

      The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

      The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

      The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

      The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
    • Ajay Santhosh
      In a sinking ship :      captain: what should we do??                  the water level has risen above the danger mark .....         
      Message 2 of 29 , Apr 27, 2009
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        In a sinking ship :
         
           captain: what should we do??  
                       the water level has risen above the danger mark .....
           
         
           sardar: raise the danger mark level up by few feet.......
         

        http://jokeoftheday.wordpress.com/
      • Tom F
        In order to get a loan you must first prove you don t need it. http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/
        Message 3 of 29 , Apr 27, 2009
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          In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

          http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/
        • sukratisuhani
          Alligator versus pearl Woman tourist in Florida was admiring an Indian s necklace. What are those things? she asked. Alligator teeth ma am, replied the
          Message 4 of 29 , May 3, 2009
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            Alligator versus pearl


            Woman tourist in Florida was admiring an Indian's necklace.

            "What are those things?" she asked.

            Alligator teeth ma'am," replied the Indian.

            "Oh I see. I suppose they have the same value for your people that
            pearls have for us."

            "Not quite," he answered gravely. "Anybody can open an oyster."


            http://funnyquotations.blogspot.com/
          • faizi_lovely1
            Lost Ball A man walked into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what had
            Message 5 of 29 , May 5, 2009
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              Lost Ball

              A man walked into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what had happened. "Well, it's like this," explained the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

              "Well, we went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

              "And?" pried the doctor.

              "Well, that's when I made my mistake. I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses, 'This one here looks like yours'."
            • Demori Lawrence
              i dont get it ________________________________ From: sukratisuhani To: funny-jokes@yahoogroups.com Sent: Sunday, May 3, 2009 5:21:34
              Message 6 of 29 , May 17, 2009
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                i dont get it


                From: sukratisuhani <sukratisuhani@...>
                To: funny-jokes@yahoogroups.com
                Sent: Sunday, May 3, 2009 5:21:34 AM
                Subject: [ funny jokes ] Funny Jokes

                Alligator versus pearl

                Woman tourist in Florida was admiring an Indian's necklace.

                "What are those things?" she asked.

                Alligator teeth ma'am," replied the Indian.

                "Oh I see. I suppose they have the same value for your people that
                pearls have for us."

                "Not quite," he answered gravely. "Anybody can open an oyster."

                http://funnyquotati ons.blogspot. com/


              • Moroke, Calvin
                But not everybody can kill an alligator, not an easy thing to do so the price should be a bit higher than that of a pearl made necklace, get it now? CALVIN I.
                Message 7 of 29 , May 28, 2009
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                  But not everybody can kill an alligator, not an easy thing to do so the
                  price should be a bit higher than that of a pearl made necklace, get it
                  now?









                  CALVIN I. MOROKE



                  CREDIT CONTROL OFFICER

                  PRE-LEGAL DEPARTMENT

                  Wesbank a Division of First National Bank

                  Off Machel Drive

                  Plot 50363

                  P o Box 1129

                  Gaborone

                  Republic of Botswana

                  Tel: (267) 364-2500

                  Direct line: (267) 364-2568

                  Fax: (267) 390-4299

                  cell: 71707026 / 73176017



                  "simplicity draws a line between elegance & plainless"
                • David Kaplan
                  A Lawyer s Deal With The Devil http://quotes.wordpress.com/ An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her.
                  Message 8 of 29 , May 28, 2009
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                    A Lawyer's Deal With The Devil

                    http://quotes.wordpress.com/

                    An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you."

                    "You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make

                    embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls

                    of all your friends and law partners."

                    The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"
                  • David Kaplan
                    http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/ Fight Like a Man Three men were sitting in a bar lying about how under their thumb they had their wives. The first two kept
                    Message 9 of 29 , Jun 1, 2009
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                      http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/

                      Fight Like a Man

                      Three men were sitting in a bar lying about how under their thumb they had their wives.

                      The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

                      They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so under my thumb that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

                      Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

                      The man replied,"Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, 'Come out and fight like a man!
                    • David Kaplan
                      Signs You Need to Clean Your Pool - A new algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard. - The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo. - Dr.
                      Message 10 of 29 , Jun 4, 2009
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                        Signs You Need to Clean Your Pool

                        - A new algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

                        - The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

                        - Dr. Kervorkian was seen filling IV bottles at pool side.

                        - You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

                        - The amount of body hair found covering drain gives Prince Albert a run for his money.


                        http://funny-jokes.blogspot.com/


                        More Signs You Need to Clean Your Pool

                        - You know that green tarp covering your swimming pool? It's NOT a pool cover.

                        - The kids in the neighborhood ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

                        - The water's pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

                        - Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

                        - Skipping rocks across the water causes sparks.
                      • David Kaplan
                        Can t Sleep The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep. Doctor: Oh! Don t you sleep at night? Civil servant: Yes, I
                        Message 11 of 29 , Jun 7, 2009
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                          Can't Sleep

                          The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.

                          Doctor: 'Oh! Don't you sleep at night?'

                          Civil servant: 'Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too - but I find it's very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.'
                        • David Kaplan
                          Funny Jokes Look Different A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses
                          Message 12 of 29 , Jun 8, 2009
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                            Funny Jokes

                            Look Different

                            A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

                            "Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"

                            Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"
                          • RajaramaRao
                            Fifty Fifty A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra
                            Message 13 of 29 , Jun 11, 2009
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                              Fifty Fifty

                              A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra drinkcup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

                              Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

                              The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

                              The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
                            • David Kaplan
                              Fun Activities for the Pool - Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board. - Laugh at fat people in swimsuits. - Tell people you saw the lifeguard
                              Message 14 of 29 , Jul 8, 2009
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                                Fun Activities for the Pool

                                - Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

                                - Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

                                - Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

                                - Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

                                - Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

                                - Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

                                - When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

                                - Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

                                - Hit strangers with your wet towel.

                                - Throw people's things into the pool.

                                - Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

                                - Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

                                - Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
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