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Testimony of an Idiot

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  • pat scala
        ... Names have been removed to protect the stupid! Actual Letter from someone who farms in Kansas.    I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer,
    Message 1 of 2 , Apr 10, 2009
       
       
      ... Names have been removed to protect the stupid!

      Actual Letter from someone who farms in Kansas.



         I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall,
      feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The
      first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since
      they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear
      of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and
      sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4
      feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and
      toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and
      transport it home.

      I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
      cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were
      not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up --
      3 of them.

      I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder,
      and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

      I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
      good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell
      it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

      I took a step towards it... it took a step away. I put a little tension on
      the rope and received an education.

      The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
      looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when
      you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

      The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
      stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
      could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

      That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling
      it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
      started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
      deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined.

      The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals.

      A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
      off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
      to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing
      out of the big gash in my head.

      At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to
      get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let
      it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and
      painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and
      that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess
      that the feeling was mutual.

      Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
      cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
      large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
      clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared
      some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I
      didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get
      it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had
      set before hand... kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there
      and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

      Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
      have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when
      I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of
      my wrist.

      Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they
      just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --
      almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

      The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
      draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
      ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
      minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a
      deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

      While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up
      with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

      That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer
      will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back
      feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are
      surprisingly sharp.

      I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- ;
      strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best
      thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move
      towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
      can escape.

      This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
      not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

      I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

      The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse
      that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in
      the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all,
      besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I
      turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me
      down.

      Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
      leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
      they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
      laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
      Well soon the deer got bored, or maybe tired, and stopped. As soon as I could I sneaked a peek around. It was gone. As I limped to my truck, I pondered the universe and all the creatures in it. Deer are not my favorites.

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    • The Lost Bear
      Omg! I about peed my pants I was laughing so hard by the end. You made my day, thank you! :) Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel ... From:
      Message 2 of 2 , Apr 10, 2009
        Omg! I about peed my pants I was laughing so hard by the end. You made my day, thank you! :)
        Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

        -----Original Message-----
        From: pat scala <patscala@...>

        Date: Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:46:31
        To: <friendsofdeer@yahoogroups.com>
        Subject: [Friends of Deer] Testimony of an Idiot


         
         
        ... Names have been removed to protect the stupid!

        Actual Letter from someone who farms in Kansas.



           I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall,
        feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The
        first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since
        they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear
        of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and
        sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4
        feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and
        toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and
        transport it home.

        I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
        cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were
        not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up --
        3 of them.

        I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder,
        and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

        I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
        good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell
        it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

        I took a step towards it... it took a step away. I put a little tension on
        the rope and received an education.

        The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
        looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when
        you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

        The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
        stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
        could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

        That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling
        it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
        started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
        deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined.

        The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals.

        A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
        off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
        to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing
        out of the big gash in my head.

        At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to
        get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let
        it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and
        painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and
        that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess
        that the feeling was mutual.

        Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
        cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
        large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
        clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared
        some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I
        didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get
        it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had
        set before hand... kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there
        and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

        Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
        have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when
        I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of
        my wrist.

        Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they
        just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --
        almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

        The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
        draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
        ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
        minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a
        deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

        While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up
        with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

        That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer
        will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back
        feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are
        surprisingly sharp.

        I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- ;
        strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best
        thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move
        towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
        can escape.

        This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
        not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

        I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

        The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse
        that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in
        the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all,
        besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I
        turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me
        down.

        Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
        leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
        they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
        laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
        Well soon the deer got bored, or maybe tired, and stopped. As soon as I could I sneaked a peek around. It was gone. As I limped to my truck, I pondered the universe and all the creatures in it. Deer are not my favorites.

        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



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