- Sheldon (Shelly) Waxman, J.D. http://www.thelawyer.info
IC Specialist http://www.independentcontractor.info
NewPulp Literary Productions-- http://www.newpulp.netIn case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):"Do not turn upside down."(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating." (...And you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds of those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And...I'm
taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner/significant
other is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in house wares, and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'.
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly...'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!