My little Boo Boo passed away yesterday:( (long)
- It happened Sunday morning, October 15, 2000 at about 8:30AM. I walk up
early that day because I planed to study for a midterm. And as my regular
routine I went to check up on my little Boo Boo. As I approached her she was
lying down very still, on the carpet next to her litter box and when I
noticed that she was breathing hard/fast I got really scared. She was
hospitalized for pulmonary edema (fluid build up in her lungs) about 2-3
times before and the symptoms were similar. I was trying to be optimistic,
hoping that maybe she was breathing fast because she got tired, maybe from
cleaning herself or by walking around too much. I was hoping she would get
stabilized so I gave it some time. Her breathing didn't get better and I
knew what I had to do at that moment. I took her to Veterinary Emergency
group of Queens PC. My precious Boo Boo was so weak. It was so sad for me
to see her in that condition. She opened her mouth a few times in the car,
trying to gasp for air, while we were on our way to the emergency room. I
was so sad! But I was very hopeful that she would get better, just like all
other times. She was doing so well for about 2-3 months now, until this
happened and I was praying that she would be strong and fight it.
As soon as I brought Boo Boo to the Emergency room, it was about 10:30Am,
they placed her into an oxygen tank. The doctor notified me that Boo Boo
most likely would be spending the night at the hospital and that I could call
later to find out her progress. I called at about 6pm and the doctor told me
that the x-rays showed a little edema in her lungs and that she's been giving
Boo Boo some more lasix to get rid of the fluids from her lungs. The good
news was that I was told Boo Boo's breathing stabilized and that I might be
taking her home that night. I was told to call again before 9pm, to make
sure she was stable enough to go. I called at about 8:30pm and spoke to
another doctor on shift that told me that Boo Boo was still stable and that I
could take her home if I wanted to, since I had all the meds that she needed,
but he did notify me that she might need to be brought back to them if she
reacted again. At about 11pm I went to pick up Boo Boo and when I saw her
in that oxygen tank her breathing didn't look any different from when I
brought her in, it was still fast. I decided to let her stay over-night
because I didn't want the risk of taking her home when I felt she really
needed that oxygen box to help her breath. I picked up Boo Boo at 7:30AM in
the morning; to my sadness she didn't get better, in fact I think she might
have gotten worse. Saliva was coming out of her mouth, her nose was running,
she was breathing just as fast and her eyes were teary. I brought her home
with me so that I could decide which Vet to bring her to next. I took her
out of her bed carriage and placed her on the carpet right next to her litter
box and I put some water besides her. It was so painful for me to see her
that way. She didn't move as I placed her on the carped, she was so weakL.
She kept her eyes open but couldn't sleep; she was in that same position (on
the side). At about 9:00AM or so I took her the Animal Medical Center. In
the car she seemed more uncomfortable. My heart ached when I looked at her.
She couldn't get up even to defecate instead she meowed very weakly to let me
know she was in pain. She opened her mouth a few times, because it was
difficult for her to breath.
I was so scared for her and so sad!L I didn't know how to help her and hated
myself for that.
I brought Boo Boo to AMCNYat about 9:30AM(11/16/00). She was placed into an
oxygen tank. The doctor told be that Boo Boo was in cardiac arrest and that
the current meds (lasix, antenolol, enacard) weren't effective enough. She
said they would need to use stronger meds and start the "aggressive"
treatment. She warned me that her heart might not handle it and brougth up
the issue of "life support systems". She asked if I wanted them to bring
her back if her heart would fail and place her on life support. If they
brought her back she'd have to stay on life support for the rest of her life
and she wouldn't be the same the vet told me. I was all alone in that big
hospital and I was so lost, so confused, so sad and in so much pain. I loved
her and wanted her to live more than anything it this world. I wanted her to
be with me again so I could take care of her and love her, but I didn't want
her to suffer, to be in pain, to live in a little box for the rest of her
life- I knew that, that wouldn't the kind of life she would enjoy. I loved
her soooooo much, I didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do, I only
wanted to keep her away from struggling and fight for her life and
happiness. I asked if she was suffering and the vet told me that breathing
difficulties were one of the most painful and I cried inside when I heard
that and I told her that I didn't want her to suffer. I didn't want her to
be in pain. I didn't want her hate me. I asked the Vet what she would do if
she was in the same situation and she said she would try the aggressive
treatment but I don't recall her saying anything about the life support
systems maybe because half of me was somewhere else. I was so scared. I told
her to try their best in helping my precious, sweet, little, innocent, loving
kitty and finally I told her that I didn't want her to struggle on life
support. I wanted to be rational, I wanted to do what would be best for Boo
Boo. It was so hard for me to decide! I wished there was a way for me to
find out what Boo Boo wanted out of this. I wish my Boo Boo would tell me
when and if she was in painL. I wanted to be rational, but how can I be, if
I don't know what she needs and wants? It would be so hard to say goodbye. I
didn't want her to die!L I would give my life if I could. I didn't want to
think of death and tried to be hopeful ! I was still trying to be
optimistic, hoping wishing, dreaming that this day would be like other days
where I would bring her in the hospital let them treat her and pick her up
the next day when she would be more lively then ever. She was so precious to
me! I loved her so much and tried to think only positive thoughts.
While I was standing at the registration desk, asking them when I would be
called the doctor approached me and gave me the most horrible news. The news
that I wasn't expecting. The news I was not ready to receive. I was in
shock when she told me Boo Boo passed away. I didn't want to believed it. I
wanted it to be a mistake. I just brought her in at about 9:30AM and it was
only about 11:40AM. How could it be? What went wrong? Why did she? Was
there anything I could do? Did they do enough? Did I do enough? What if I
brought her to AMCNY the night before instead of bringing her to the
Emergency Room in Queens? What if my regular cardiologist was there(she had a
day off on Monday)? What if I didn't do enough? Did I miss her medicine
doses? Did I not take care of her well enough? Why would she die? Why would
she leave me to suffer like this? Why did she go and didn't let me say
goodbye? I was not ready to say goodbye to my Boo Boo!L I was heart broken!
I couldn't stop crying, thinking about her, wondering why, blaming myself
and others for her departure. (I miss her sooooo much as I type now). I
loved my Boo Boo, but maybe I didn't love her enough? Maybe if I loved her
more and spend more time with her? Maybe if I took her to more doctors? Or
maybe if I brushed her teeth when she was a baby and gave her better food?
Maybe I shouldn't have taking her to Vets so much b/c she always got
stressed? Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention to her? Maybe I wasn't as
careful with her as I should have been? Maybe I wasn't as attentive with her?
Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe if I did more she would live?
I was in a painful dark puzzle trying to answer my own questions, when the
doctor asked if I wanted to see Boo Boo. I wanted to see her, but what I
really wanted was to be there to support her when she was leaving my world.
I wanted to comfort her one last time. I wanted to hug her and kiss her. I
wanted to whisper to her that I love her so much. I wanted to tell her not
to be afraid and that I was there with her. I wanted her to know how much I
cared and adored her. I love her so much it hurts now even as I type this.
The vet brought Boo Boo in the room for me to say goodbye, I couldn't stop
crying. Boo Boo's eyes were opened, she was so weak. She looked so delicate
and so precious. I couldn't believe she was not with me anymore. I loved
her too much and never wanted to let go. My Boo Boo was gone…she became an
angel… I couln't believe that… I couldn't accept it… I didn't know what
else to say….If only there was something I could do for her… If only there
was magic that could bring Boo Boo back to me… If only Boo Boo's large heart
didn't stop…If only she didn't get such a bad doublefold diagnosis of CRF and
severe HCM in April of this year….
I took Boo Boo home with me because I wasn't sure if I wanted to bury her or
cremate her. On our way home I couldn't stop crying, my father was with
me(he drove me to Animal Medical Center in NY and waited for me) and I didn't
want to tell him, I guess I still was in denial, but I couldn't hide my
pain, my tears, my sufferings and I suspect my father understood but was good
about not meantioning anything to me. I didn't want him to. I took her
home with me because I wanted to look at her, to pat her, to spent time with
her, to tell her I loved her even though she was deep asleep. As I was
approaching the lobby of my building with Boo Boo in my arms I saw my mother.
Boo Boo was in the same bed carriage that I took her into the hospital with.
My mother didn't know and I was not ready to tell her, I was trying to keep
my tears inside but it was so hard I tried to pass my mother with my face
down to the floor, but my mother grabbed me and I couldn't control myself
anymore. I couldn't control my emotions and pain and my mother cried with me
and tried to comfort me. I told my mom I wasn't sure what I wanted to do
with Boo Boo yet, that I need some time and was going to bring her inside our
apartment. My mother told me something I've never heard before, she said
that I would be bringing negative energy home and that my dog and my other
cat can get sick. Maybe it was a superstiotion but I was so scared and in
shock when I heard and I didn't know what to do but cry. My mom walked me
back to my fathers car. At that moment I was forced to make a quick decision
either to cremate her or bury her, the Vet gave me some numbers to crematory
agencies and cemeteries. I was contemplating whether it be best to crematate
or bury. I wished I could just keep her right next to me. I wished to do
neither if only I could. I didn't want her body to be eaten by insicts, but
at the same time I didn't want to burn her. I wanted her to be close to me.
I wanted to have her with me all the time. Since it had to be a quick
decision and the agencies were so far away. I called the crematory center
at about 1:40pm and schedualed an apointment for a pick up. I didn't want
to, I struggled to make the call but I didn't know what to do. While waiting
for them in my fathers car, I took Boo Boo out of her bed carriage and I held
her, I touched her, I kissed her and I told her how much I loved her. It was
so difficult for me to give her away, I didn't want to, I cried when I gave
them my lovely Boo Boo, my beautiful kitty. I didn't know if I made the
right decision. All I knew was that I was aching inside and outside and all
I could see and think of was Boo Boo, my precious baby, my little princess
who on that rainy day crossed the bridge and became my angel. Three hours
later I realized that I didn't want to crematate her and instead I wanted to
bury her so I could bring flowers to her grave and so I could visit her. The
crematory Center is charging a fee to hold her body until we find a place to
bury her in.
She was so young, only 5 yrs old and already had one of the worst hearts, the
cardiologist had ever seen, the vet told me. That day was the longest day of
my life, the most painful, the most scary, the most depressing and sad… I
blamed myself…maybe I didn't do enough, but unforetunately I'll never know.
Unforetunately Boo Boo will never tell me. I'll never see Boo Boo again and
will never know where she is. I'll never know how she is but I'll always
know that my love for her will always live. And I will miss her, I already
miss her and it happened only yesterday. And I will always remember her and
cherish her and pray for her and think of her. Boo Boo is the first kitty I
ever felt such a bond with and I will hope that I made her life at least a
little better then it would have been without me.
I am so sad, I remember the first moment I saw her, it was in October 16,
1995 at about 11:30PM, she was so helpless and weak, just a few weeks old, so
precious and sweet and in the same way my little innocent baby left me, on
October 16, 2000 at about 11:40AM very helpless and weak. I am
praying/hoping/wishing that you are in a better place now my charming little
one! I will always miss you and I will always love you!
I love you Boo Boo!
-Irina and my precious Angel Boo Boo
URL to My Boo Boo's site !
Condolences on the loss of Boo Boo.
It sounds as if her heart and kidneys had been weak right from the
beginning of her life. Without the care you gave her, she probably wouldn't
have much of a life at all. But for the years she was on earth she knew
what it was like to be loved.
It's sad that you couldn't be with her when she passed away, but she also
spared you the decision to have to put her to sleep.
I truly believe that there's some kind of spirit somewhere -- Mother
Nature, maybe -- who sees the kind of love that caring owners give their
pets and remembers it. I hope that spirit will send you another cat someday
who you'll bond with for many, many years.
--Melinda and Pongo
> -----Original Message-----Irina,
> From: earina613@... [mailto:earina613@...]
> Sent: Tuesday, October 17, 2000 4:09 PM
> To: FelineCRF@egroups.com; firstname.lastname@example.org
> Subject: [feline-heart] My little Boo Boo passed away yesterday:( (long)
> It happened Sunday morning, October 15, 2000 at about 8:30AM.
> . . .
I well remember all of your previous postings about Boo Boo. Months ago I visited your web site & saw pictures of your little girl & read her story.
I am absolutely heartbroken to hear about this. I know how much you loved her & how hard you worked to take care of her. The email from you was so incredibly touching. I was in tears for the longest time. Boo Boo was obviously a very special cat to inspire such feelings.
> I wanted to be rational, I wanted to do what would beYour love for her did allow you to know exactly what she wanted. I'm certain that everyone reading your note could see that you did just what was right for her ... no matter how much it hurt you.
> best for Boo Boo. It was so hard for me to decide! I
> wished there was a way for me to find out what Boo Boo
> wanted out of this. I wish my Boo Boo would tell me
> when and if she was in pain. I wanted to be rational, but how
> can I be, if I don't know what she needs and wants?
> . . .
> I loved my Boo Boo, but maybe I didn't love her enough?Irina, it's obvious how dearly yuou loved Boo Boo. From all of your messages, it's also obvious that you couldn't do any more for her. You loved her so much. I feel certian that Boo Boo would have rather spent those 5 years with you than to have lived longer with someone else. She loved you as much as you loved her.
> Maybe if I loved her more and spend more time with her? Maybe
> . . .
> Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe if I did more she would live?
> . . .
God bless you.
> -Irina and my precious Angel Boo Boo--
& Tabby (RB), Licorice, Tigger, Lynx
- Thank You for your support JR, I really appreciate it.
I am still sad, still wondering why. I haven't been to school this whole
week and I don't think I'll be coming the end of this week. I know I am in
trouble with all my professors. In fact I have a midterm on thursday that I
will probably not be around to take. I don't feel like doing anything or
goin anywhere. I will so heart broken. I tried to morn my Boo Boo's death
by not eating but since it was my brothers birthday yesterday John forced me
to go out to eat. He's been very supportive. Patty I wish she was alife.
All I keep thinking about is her, wondering where she is, and how she is, if
I loved her enough. Everywhere I turn in my apt I remember the cute things
she used to do and I feel more pain because I miss her so much. I found her
oct 16, 95 and she left me oct 16, 00. It is just so unfair. I keep
thinking about her, wondering if I did eough, if I treated her good , then I
began thinking that I wasn't there for her enough. Last few days I saw her
in the morning and at night when I gave her meds, because I was in school so
much. I wish I could spent more time with her, I wish I could say a real
goodbye to her. He body is in storage I don't whether to bury her or cremate
her. Since I don't have a yard I can't bury her close to me, it have to be
somewhere in weschester in a pet cemeter, will cost a lot and I will go
deeper into debt but for her I would do anything. Only problem is I heard
that sometimes when cemeteries run out of space they put two bodies on top of
each other in one hole and I heard there were times people would take the
bodies out to build something. there were cases like that before and I don't
want Boo Boo's body to be disturbed. I want to do what she would want me to
do. I am not sure what is best to do. I'd like to do it in a way that she
would be more closer to me. I thought about cremating her too, to keep her
ashes but I am not sure I want to burn her body. I need to decide by friday
what I will do, don't want to keep her little body in the storage too long.
what do you think I should do?
-Irina(missing my Boo Boo):(
URL to My Boo Boo's site !
- Dear Irina,
It was so sad to hear of your little Boo Boo's passing, but you must know
gave her a good life and she probably lived longer because of all your
love and care. You were a very good mom to her! I know how much
you are hurting right now - it is the most painful thing in the world when
we have to lose our beloved animal companions.
I know it is a tough decision now to decide what to do with her body. I
have always had my animals cremated - that way I can always keep them
with me wherever I might go - and by that I mean if you move away from
where you are living now, you can take her ashes and if she is buried
somewhere you might not always live in the same area. I buried a dog
in my yard almost twenty years ago and when we left that house and
moved to another town I felt terrible about leaving her. So for me,
is better. And remember, Boo Boo's spirit is no longer in her little body -
she won't care what you do with it. She is an angel now and her spirit will
with you always now matter what you decide about her body.
Irina, I wish you all the best and I know your grief will get easier to bear
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, October 18, 2000 6:07 AM
Subject: Re: [feline-heart] My little Boo Boo passed away yesterday:( (long)
> Thank You for your support JR, I really appreciate it.
> I am still sad, still wondering why. I haven't been to school this whole
> week and I don't think I'll be coming the end of this week. I know I am
> trouble with all my professors. In fact I have a midterm on thursday that
> will probably not be around to take. I don't feel like doing anything or
> goin anywhere. I will so heart broken. I tried to morn my Boo Boo's
> by not eating but since it was my brothers birthday yesterday John forced
> to go out to eat. He's been very supportive. Patty I wish she was alife.
> All I keep thinking about is her, wondering where she is, and how she is,
> I loved her enough. Everywhere I turn in my apt I remember the cute
> she used to do and I feel more pain because I miss her so much. I found
> oct 16, 95 and she left me oct 16, 00. It is just so unfair. I keep
> thinking about her, wondering if I did eough, if I treated her good , then
> began thinking that I wasn't there for her enough. Last few days I saw
> in the morning and at night when I gave her meds, because I was in school
> much. I wish I could spent more time with her, I wish I could say a real
> goodbye to her. He body is in storage I don't whether to bury her or
> her. Since I don't have a yard I can't bury her close to me, it have to
> somewhere in weschester in a pet cemeter, will cost a lot and I will go
> deeper into debt but for her I would do anything. Only problem is I heard
> that sometimes when cemeteries run out of space they put two bodies on top
> each other in one hole and I heard there were times people would take the
> bodies out to build something. there were cases like that before and I
> want Boo Boo's body to be disturbed. I want to do what she would want me
> do. I am not sure what is best to do. I'd like to do it in a way that
> would be more closer to me. I thought about cremating her too, to keep
> ashes but I am not sure I want to burn her body. I need to decide by
> what I will do, don't want to keep her little body in the storage too
> what do you think I should do?
> -Irina(missing my Boo Boo):(
> URL to My Boo Boo's site !
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