O.T. The 40th day
- Dear friends,
Today it is the 40th day after Aurora's passing.
I'm lighting a candle for her, still waiting for a sign of forgiveness. The 40th day, the last day of
... this possibility?
One of you told me the significance of this day. As you see, I can't remember excactly what it was, and I can't look it up (I've tried). Please tell me again if you read this!!!!!
I'm still crying my eyes out and never get to sleep all night through, and though I know it isn't so, it feels like this grief &guilt will last for ever...
I can't even think about Christmas, our first Christmas all to be gathered, and then one is missing... the little big mama, the one I was looking forward to get to know better, to get closer to me, the one who made me start animal rescue.
You know, I bought this house for one reason: To be able to collect the remaining cats in my two feral colonies and save them from an outdoor life only, as they'd all got to thrust me - and as the couple who helped feeding the cats for years now are stuck with care for their own wellfare, they both are not healthy any more.
But may be this wasn't the right house? Before moving in, I went here several times to fix this and that. One day I found a dead cat in front of the entrance . It was a young, healthy looking male, tabby coloured like Aurora... His pawprints in blood was on the stairs and in front of the door, he'd cried for help but no one was here. He'd been bitten through his nose and throath and died from blood loss and shock, I suppose. I put up notes and asked everybody, but noone ever missed him. He got his eternal rest under the lilacs in my garden. I still feel sorry for him though I did not know him.
May be this isn't the right house?
So many of you have sent me comforting letters both on and off list. I've still got many left to answer, so many half-written replies saved for continuing.. (I wish I could write in Norwegian, expressing myself would have been much easier then..) So please, no need to respond to this post otherwise than asked for above, or I'll go further behind!
I just want to tell
AuroraAngel + 17
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