Re: first chapter for feedback
- View SourceHey James,
First thing: it seems like you're attempting and immediate, hard-
boiled style. If I'm correct in this, avoid passive verbs at almost
all costs. What I mean by this is any form of the verb "to
be": "is", "was", "were", "has been", et cetera. These verbs steal
from the action and immediacy of the work. For example:
"The small deciphering room was full of black smoke."
"Black smoke choked the deciphering room."
Also too much detail slows the pacing down. It's better to tell what
features stand out for the characters, rather than trying to
objectively describe a thing. Will the fact that their ship has 200
plasma and fusion torpedoes, ever be important to the plot? If not,
don't mention it. I only have enough room in my brain to hold
details that move the plot forward. It's good that you know these
details you're the omnipotent author. As the reader I need you to
focus my attention on what is the most important for the story.
Finally physical descriptions of the characters are not as important
as psychological and emotional descriptions. What will hook me in is
empathy with the characters. I've gotten the clear impression that
Raga is a no-nonsense, take-charge kind of guy, because of the way
he speaks. I also got the impression that he loves his men and
values each of their lives; good hero stuff so far. The others,
however, are rather vague.
Last is a piece of advice. Don't spend time getting from one scene
to another. Go ahead and drop me there, where the action is. If you
need to explain the transition, do so briefly, and get on with the
real meat of the story.
- View SourceJames <mail@...> wrote: Hi all thought I'd post the first chapter of my trilogy; hope you read it and let me know what you think. Any feedback will be welcome.
Hi James! Just to let you know, your story did not post. :)
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