Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Re: first chapter for feedback

Expand Messages
  • notallwhowander
    Hey James, First thing: it seems like you re attempting and immediate, hard- boiled style. If I m correct in this, avoid passive verbs at almost all costs.
    Message 1 of 4 , Jun 12, 2002
    View Source
    • 0 Attachment
      Hey James,

      First thing: it seems like you're attempting and immediate, hard-
      boiled style. If I'm correct in this, avoid passive verbs at almost
      all costs. What I mean by this is any form of the verb "to
      be": "is", "was", "were", "has been", et cetera. These verbs steal
      from the action and immediacy of the work. For example:

      "The small deciphering room was full of black smoke."

      -vs.-

      "Black smoke choked the deciphering room."

      Also too much detail slows the pacing down. It's better to tell what
      features stand out for the characters, rather than trying to
      objectively describe a thing. Will the fact that their ship has 200
      plasma and fusion torpedoes, ever be important to the plot? If not,
      don't mention it. I only have enough room in my brain to hold
      details that move the plot forward. It's good that you know these
      details – you're the omnipotent author. As the reader I need you to
      focus my attention on what is the most important for the story.

      Finally physical descriptions of the characters are not as important
      as psychological and emotional descriptions. What will hook me in is
      empathy with the characters. I've gotten the clear impression that
      Raga is a no-nonsense, take-charge kind of guy, because of the way
      he speaks. I also got the impression that he loves his men and
      values each of their lives; good hero stuff so far. The others,
      however, are rather vague.

      Last is a piece of advice. Don't spend time getting from one scene
      to another. Go ahead and drop me there, where the action is. If you
      need to explain the transition, do so briefly, and get on with the
      real meat of the story.


      -notall'
    • Lindsey
      James wrote: Hi all thought I d post the first chapter of my trilogy; hope you read it and let me know what you think. Any
      Message 2 of 4 , Jun 12, 2002
      View Source
      • 0 Attachment
        James <mail@...> wrote: Hi all thought I'd post the first chapter of my trilogy; hope you read it and let me know what you think. Any feedback will be welcome.
        Thanks,

        James



        Hi James! Just to let you know, your story did not post. :)

        Lindsey



        ---------------------------------
        Do You Yahoo!?
        Sign-up for Video Highlights of 2002 FIFA World Cup

        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.