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I AM AFRAID OF DYING!

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  • Yana Youhana
    I witnessted my first cousin s burial yesterday. I felt I was dreaming and that I would wake-up, all be gone and he will be with us again! I could not bread,
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 22, 1999
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      I witnessted my first cousin's burial yesterday.
      I felt I was dreaming and that I would wake-up,
      all be gone and he will be with us again!
      I could not bread, cry or talk.
      I was just shaking.
      I went to stop the grave diggers when they tried
      to roll his casskett down deep into the earth.
      I was held back by other relatives, and I was angry
      at them for holding me back, they had NO right to do
      that. We had grow-up together, one life time!
      I could NOT let them put my 29 year old loving cousin
      in to the ground.
      I felt he will suffocate.
      I saw all those people all in black.
      I felt so much heat from the sun and the crawed,
      I felt dizzy and next thing I was sitting on the
      grass and bunch of people throwing water at my
      face and slapping my face.
      from were I was sitting fearfully I glanced at
      his grave, they were already putting the stone.
      I FELT something terribly havey in my heart and
      just wispered, Edwin how could you do this to us.
      I am mad at him.
      I thought all my death studies and all my search
      and other bs written about death has made me strong
      and I was O.K. with the idea BUT, yesterday proved
      me wrong!
      People were trying to comfort us and I didn't want
      them to, infact they irritated me with their action.
      I felt they were happy it was us instead of them going
      through this and I just wanted all to leave us alone.
      Last week this time he was alive, healthy, happy and
      loved life. he used to tell me, "yana, don't pock life
      so much, just live it".
      We come from the womb, they put us into the earth.
      full circle,no hole in it.
      Books are written and words have been made-up for
      how we feel and what this life is realy all about
      BUT I am scared of death. I WANT TO KNOW WHERE WE
      ARE GOING. IT IS MY RIGHT IF MY BIRTH WAS NOT.
      Last night after all that hot sun the skies exploded
      and thunder storm and rain followed. My sister said
      god is also crying for Edwin, I said, we have one
      crazy god in that case. he takes our beutifull Edwin,
      breaks our hearths in one milion pieces and then
      he cries for him! My sister said "it's not fair",
      I said, what is "fair", who came up with it's
      definition and how do we know if the neighbour's
      son was dead it would have been "fair" to us and
      not them. that is it. he is gone. over and finish.
      and nothing seems comforting to my soul.


      ~yana

      p.s. PLEASE DON'T REPLY WITH WHOLE BUNCH OF QUOTES AND
      OTHER bs, AND LABLES AND DEFINITIONS AND ETC... I JUST
      SHARED WITH YOU MY FEELINGS, IF YOU HAVE EXPERINED SAME
      KIND OF LOSS, WRITE AND SHARE WITH ME OTHERWISE, I DON'T
      NEED ANYTHING ESLE. THANKS!
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