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Re:Re: [ExGDBd] easliest SSA memory

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  • judiths
    Hi All I am trying to put this in the form of a question. I had a controlling mother & passive father-. How many of you or share about that - you had that or
    Message 1 of 25 , Feb 2, 2004
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      Hi All

      I am trying to put this in the form of a question. I had a controlling mother & passive father-. How many of you or share about that - you had that or not?
      church: did any of you hear a sermon from the pulpit (or how many of you) heard a condemning message like Jake? I did & grew up in the church.
      Jake why did you & are glad you went back to the church? & when did you have that conversation with your Pastor & what enable you or caused you to have that kind of conversation? I talk to some Pastors espeically my childhood Pastor & he wanted to do nothing to help or talk about it from teh pulpit so others could learn about the issue -we do divorce,etc. why not H. I know of other churches in other states I would rather be a part of becuase the ministry is listed in the church bulletin which says a lot for me on the plus side & healing & not here where I live becuase then I would feel not so odd ball out. & that church is growing by leaps and bounds. Makes me angry that my church here doesnt want to reach out to them.

      Jake -would you be willing to tell me private -the name of that church? -Well one of two things -either how long ago -I know of a church in MN that the Pastor was very kind in wanting to help someone over come H-
      Judith
      (if this looks funny -i needed space so I deleted some of the things that come with these emails. )
      --------------------------------------------------------------
      Jake,
      This is what baffles me about how we have homosexual feelings. U had all of these things, yet you were still different? How? How does this happen to a guy when he has a great family, never abused, God, etc? They say that our SSA comes from one of these or all, being molested, distant or abusive father, peer rejection... U didn't seem to have that in your life when you first had these feelings that you were different.
      Your friend, Randy



      Randy;

      Thanks for your comments. Well, I do have to say that my father was not home most of the time, and now that I have gone through therapy and gotten the appropriate help I have realized that he wasn't there because of my mom. She is a very controlling, totalitarian, perfectionist human being. Don't think that she is some monster that tormented me all throughout my childhood, she is a good mom just a bit intense.

      I too, did not have the attraction to sports and things like that, my pastor counsels me. He asked me if I had ever been abused, I said NO, I guess that he too believes the image the media has fabricated. Well, he does try, he told me you are my first case ever, and I told my pastor, I am the first one ever because I chose to stay and deal with it, but be sure that I am not the only one with this issue at church. I told him that unfortunately when you hear sermons at church regarding homosexuality, the key words are: hell, damnation, abobination, unnatural, etc.... and for few years I left my church because I had no one to go to plus all I heard was so negative and horrible that I believed that I had no place there, so I left. Came back 5 yrs later and I am glad I did.

      Jake, MN
    • ElectroMan05@wmconnect.com
      Jake, thanks for clearing me up on this. I am told that a controlling Mom is also a factor! So many factors in this SSA stuff... LOL Your friend, Randy
      Message 2 of 25 , Feb 2, 2004
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        Jake, thanks for clearing me up on this. I am told that a controlling Mom is
        also a factor! So many factors in this SSA stuff... LOL

        Your friend, Randy


        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      • Michael
        Judith, and all, Yes, maybe, my father might be considered as passive , and my mother as controlling - she is very very opinionated and has to have
        Message 3 of 25 , Feb 2, 2004
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          Judith, and all,

          Yes, maybe, my father might be considered as "passive", and my mother as "controlling" - she is very very opinionated and has to have things her way.... many things upset her and I've found it best to not talk about many things to avoid upsetting her - definately not H. and also anything costing money upsets her easily.

          Also, physical affection was absent from my family, and I keep reading that it is important to have physical affection however I don't see what change that would have made in my life, we'll maybe I do, but I don't know for sure if that would have changed anything.

          There is one thing that I saw last night at my church superbowl party - a boy who was barely age 2 tried to "tackle" a boy who was about 7 - and of course when the Mom of the 2 yr old said "I think he wants to tackle you" the 7 year old complied right away and fell over backwards for the 2 year old. I think, his father taught him how to "tackle", the father is young and straight and athletic and very "showy" and "loud" in church and in life.

          Michael


          ----- Original Message -----
          From: judiths
          To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
          Sent: Monday, February 02, 2004 6:51 PM
          Subject: Re:Re: [ExGDBd] easliest SSA memory


          Hi All

          I am trying to put this in the form of a question. I had a controlling mother & passive father-. How many of you or share about that - you had that or not?
          church: did any of you hear a sermon from the pulpit (or how many of you) heard a condemning message like Jake? I did & grew up in the church.
          Jake why did you & are glad you went back to the church? & when did you have that conversation with your Pastor & what enable you or caused you to have that kind of conversation? I talk to some Pastors espeically my childhood Pastor & he wanted to do nothing to help or talk about it from teh pulpit so others could learn about the issue -we do divorce,etc. why not H. I know of other churches in other states I would rather be a part of becuase the ministry is listed in the church bulletin which says a lot for me on the plus side & healing & not here where I live becuase then I would feel not so odd ball out. & that church is growing by leaps and bounds. Makes me angry that my church here doesnt want to reach out to them.

          Jake -would you be willing to tell me private -the name of that church? -Well one of two things -either how long ago -I know of a church in MN that the Pastor was very kind in wanting to help someone over come H-
          Judith
          (if this looks funny -i needed space so I deleted some of the things that come with these emails. )
          --------------------------------------------------------------
          Jake,
          This is what baffles me about how we have homosexual feelings. U had all of these things, yet you were still different? How? How does this happen to a guy when he has a great family, never abused, God, etc? They say that our SSA comes from one of these or all, being molested, distant or abusive father, peer rejection... U didn't seem to have that in your life when you first had these feelings that you were different.
          Your friend, Randy



          Randy;

          Thanks for your comments. Well, I do have to say that my father was not home most of the time, and now that I have gone through therapy and gotten the appropriate help I have realized that he wasn't there because of my mom. She is a very controlling, totalitarian, perfectionist human being. Don't think that she is some monster that tormented me all throughout my childhood, she is a good mom just a bit intense.

          I too, did not have the attraction to sports and things like that, my pastor counsels me. He asked me if I had ever been abused, I said NO, I guess that he too believes the image the media has fabricated. Well, he does try, he told me you are my first case ever, and I told my pastor, I am the first one ever because I chose to stay and deal with it, but be sure that I am not the only one with this issue at church. I told him that unfortunately when you hear sermons at church regarding homosexuality, the key words are: hell, damnation, abobination, unnatural, etc.... and for few years I left my church because I had no one to go to plus all I heard was so negative and horrible that I believed that I had no place there, so I left. Came back 5 yrs later and I am glad I did.

          Jake, MN




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          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        • Henry B
          Hi Randy and all, I too was raised in a Christian home and had a good relationship with my parents. I accepted Christ when I was a young kid, probably about 7
          Message 4 of 25 , Feb 2, 2004
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            Hi Randy and all,

            I too was raised in a Christian home and had a good relationship with
            my parents. I accepted Christ when I was a young kid, probably about 7
            or 8 years old. However I was one of the statistics in that around 9
            years old I was sexually molested by an older boy in my neighborhood.
            That was what initiated me into the world of homosexuality.

            That was probably not the only factor that was a "cause" of my SSA.
            My father was A LOT older and growing up he didn't necessarily relate
            to me. My next oldest brother is 18 years older (a huge age gap).
            This on top of having a more dominant mother and being overweight
            most of my life all added to these SSA tendencies.

            When I was around 11 or 12 a friend and I found someone's stash of
            porn in the woods. I was continually drawn to the men in the images,
            never the women. This friend later came out as gay. We never ever
            really discussed which images we were attracted to, but both sort of
            knew.

            One time some kids kept teasing my friend about being gay and I came
            to his defense and beat them up. I was never called gay growing up.
            I was the fat kid. I had my own set of names and insults to deal
            with. Because of this I was always picked second to last for the
            teams in school. My friend was always picked last as the "gay" kid.

            Well those were the early years.

            Since then I have come a LONG way. I have been involved in a local
            Exodus Ministry for the past year and have had God do a great deal
            in my life. I have told many people at church as well as my pastor.
            Everyone has been very encouraging and supportive. This past weekend
            I was voted into our church's leadership council. A huge honor!
            Also am on our men's groups leadership team. A couple of years ago
            I would have declined these positions.

            The SSA attractions are not totally gone, but greatly diminished.

            Dealing with some of these early causes has brought much of this
            healing. For most of my life I was the good boy but had this secret
            side. I never let God into those areas to bring healing. Yes, I prayed
            numerous times (like most of us) for God to remove these desires
            but nothing changed. However part of me still wanted to keep these
            secret sins. When God's light came into this darkness thats when
            the change began. At 40 I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

            Sorry to ramble on like this.

            A fellow overcomer,


            Henry




            --- In exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com, HI <yadgmal@y...> wrote:
            >
            >
            > Jake,
            > This is what baffles me about how we have homosexual feelings. U
            had all of
            > these things, yet you were still different? How? How does this
            happen to a
            > guy when he has a great family, never abused, God, etc? They say
            that our SSA
            > comes from one of these or all, being molested, distant or abusive
            father,
            > peer rejection... U didn't seem to have that in your life when you
            first had
            > these feelings that you were different.
            > Your friend, Randy
          • HI
            Randy, No problem.... Jake, MN ElectroMan05@wmconnect.com wrote: Jake, thanks for clearing me up on this. I am told that a controlling Mom is also a factor!
            Message 5 of 25 , Feb 3, 2004
            • 0 Attachment
              Randy, No problem....

              Jake, MN

              ElectroMan05@... wrote:
              Jake, thanks for clearing me up on this. I am told that a controlling Mom is
              also a factor! So many factors in this SSA stuff... LOL

              Your friend, Randy



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              [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
            • Bridget Night
              Apparently there are numerous factors that must contribute to SSA. My son says he was never sexually abused, but he did have problems with his dad, but so did
              Message 6 of 25 , Feb 3, 2004
              • 0 Attachment
                Apparently there are numerous factors that must contribute to SSA. My son says he was never sexually abused, but he did have problems with his dad, but so did my other kids. Dr. Robinson, who spoke at the Evergreen conference I went to last year, stated that many of the young men he sees for SSA, had great relationships with their fathers and were never sexually abused, BUT they had a terrible time fitting in with their peers. My son did not fit in with his peers either. I do remember him hugging little boys a lot when he was about 5 years old and his big brother would pull him away, fearful that he might have gay tendencies. My daughters youngest son also hugs boys a lot. I have heard about hormonal flushes during pregnancies that may contribute and temperaments, etc. The thing is, I have talked to men who had almost all the factors they talk about that contributed to SSA but have never felt SSA feelings. There are times when I have wondered if we all were just given different trials in life and SSA is one that is similar to what Christ said about the blind man in the Bible; people judged blind people to have sinned in Christ's day. But Jesus said it was not the parents fault or his fault that he was blind, but to show forth the glory of God. So, perhaps, some have this trial so other people could be tested as to how they will treat people that are different.

                "Now, we see through a glass darkly, but when He comes, we will know..."

                Bridget
                ----- Original Message -----
                From: HI
                To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
                Sent: Monday, February 02, 2004 7:19 PM
                Subject: Re: [ExGDBd] easliest SSA memory




                Jake,
                This is what baffles me about how we have homosexual feelings. U had all of
                these things, yet you were still different? How? How does this happen to a
                guy when he has a great family, never abused, God, etc? They say that our SSA
                comes from one of these or all, being molested, distant or abusive father,
                peer rejection... U didn't seem to have that in your life when you first had
                these feelings that you were different.
                Your friend, Randy



                Randy;

                Thanks for your comments. Well, I do have to say that my father was not home most of the time, and now that I have gone through therapy and gotten the appropriate help I have realized that he wasn't there because of my mom. She is a very controlling, totalitarian, perfectionist human being. Don't think that she is some monster that tormented me all throughout my childhood, she is a good mom just a bit intense.

                I too, did not have the attraction to sports and things like that, my pastor counsels me. He asked me if I had ever been abused, I said NO, I guess that he too believes the image the media has fabricated. Well, he does try, he told me you are my first case ever, and I told my pastor, I am the first one ever because I chose to stay and deal with it, but be sure that I am not the only one with this issue at church. I told him that unfortunately when you hear sermons at church regarding homosexuality, the key words are: hell, damnation, abobination, unnatural, etc.... and for few years I left my church because I had no one to go to plus all I heard was so negative and horrible that I believed that I had no place there, so I left. Came back 5 yrs later and I am glad I did.

                Jake, MN




                ---------------------------------





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                NCXDS Ex-Gay Internet Ministries

                Feel free to link to these pages on your own website:

                Web: <http://geocities.com/exgaylinks> | Discussion List: <http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/exgaydiscussionboard> | Chat: <http://chat.yahoo.com/?club=exgaydiscussionboard>


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              • HI
                Bridget, thanks a lot for your comments, it is nice to learn that a mother is interested in learning more about ssa and not ignore it or try to make it go away
                Message 7 of 25 , Feb 3, 2004
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                  Bridget, thanks a lot for your comments, it is nice to learn that a mother is interested in learning more about ssa and not ignore it or try to make it go away by suggesting to become totally involved with your church and follow the good book to the letter, like my mom has suggested me. But she is getting better about it since I confronted her

                  Jake, MN

                  Bridget Night <BridgetNight123@...> wrote:
                  Apparently there are numerous factors that must contribute to SSA. My son says he was never sexually abused, but he did have problems with his dad, but so did my other kids. Dr. Robinson, who spoke at the Evergreen conference I went to last year, stated that many of the young men he sees for SSA, had great relationships with their fathers and were never sexually abused, BUT they had a terrible time fitting in with their peers. My son did not fit in with his peers either. I do remember him hugging little boys a lot when he was about 5 years old and his big brother would pull him away, fearful that he might have gay tendencies. My daughters youngest son also hugs boys a lot. I have heard about hormonal flushes during pregnancies that may contribute and temperaments, etc. The thing is, I have talked to men who had almost all the factors they talk about that contributed to SSA but have never felt SSA feelings. There are times when I have wondered if we all were just given different
                  trials in life and SSA is one that is similar to what Christ said about the blind man in the Bible; people judged blind people to have sinned in Christ's day. But Jesus said it was not the parents fault or his fault that he was blind, but to show forth the glory of God. So, perhaps, some have this trial so other people could be tested as to how they will treat people that are different.

                  "Now, we see through a glass darkly, but when He comes, we will know..."

                  Bridget
                  ----- Original Message -----
                  From: HI
                  To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
                  Sent: Monday, February 02, 2004 7:19 PM
                  Subject: Re: [ExGDBd] easliest SSA memory




                  Jake,
                  This is what baffles me about how we have homosexual feelings. U had all of
                  these things, yet you were still different? How? How does this happen to a
                  guy when he has a great family, never abused, God, etc? They say that our SSA
                  comes from one of these or all, being molested, distant or abusive father,
                  peer rejection... U didn't seem to have that in your life when you first had
                  these feelings that you were different.
                  Your friend, Randy



                  Randy;

                  Thanks for your comments. Well, I do have to say that my father was not home most of the time, and now that I have gone through therapy and gotten the appropriate help I have realized that he wasn't there because of my mom. She is a very controlling, totalitarian, perfectionist human being. Don't think that she is some monster that tormented me all throughout my childhood, she is a good mom just a bit intense.

                  I too, did not have the attraction to sports and things like that, my pastor counsels me. He asked me if I had ever been abused, I said NO, I guess that he too believes the image the media has fabricated. Well, he does try, he told me you are my first case ever, and I told my pastor, I am the first one ever because I chose to stay and deal with it, but be sure that I am not the only one with this issue at church. I told him that unfortunately when you hear sermons at church regarding homosexuality, the key words are: hell, damnation, abobination, unnatural, etc.... and for few years I left my church because I had no one to go to plus all I heard was so negative and horrible that I believed that I had no place there, so I left. Came back 5 yrs later and I am glad I did.

                  Jake, MN




                  ---------------------------------





                  ---------------------------------
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                  [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



                  Questions on the group? contact founder directly at: ncxds@...

                  The Ex-Gay Discussion Board is a ministry of:
                  NCXDS Ex-Gay Internet Ministries

                  Feel free to link to these pages on your own website:

                  Web: <http://geocities.com/exgaylinks> | Discussion List: <http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/exgaydiscussionboard> | Chat: <http://chat.yahoo.com/?club=exgaydiscussionboard>


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                  Questions on the group? contact founder directly at: ncxds@...

                  The Ex-Gay Discussion Board is a ministry of:
                  NCXDS Ex-Gay Internet Ministries

                  Feel free to link to these pages on your own website:

                  Web: <http://geocities.com/exgaylinks> | Discussion List: <http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/exgaydiscussionboard> | Chat: <http://chat.yahoo.com/?club=exgaydiscussionboard>


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                • Bridget Night
                  Hi Judith, Some one sent me an article that is on the NARTH website from a Dr. Donaldson about early parental influences. It is 33 pages long and mostly about
                  Message 8 of 25 , Feb 3, 2004
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                    Hi Judith,

                    Some one sent me an article that is on the NARTH website from a Dr. Donaldson about early parental influences. It is 33 pages long and mostly about guys and how they develop SSA but very interesting. If any one wants a copy I can mail to your personal email address. One part in it that gives several scenarios: 1) 'a weak and passive father and a hostile and explosive mother who devalues father 2) a hostile father and a mother who hides behind a victim role and uses the child as a companion victim or 3) an absent father and a depressed mother who uses her good-boy son as a support to her self-esteem. In my case it was number 3. My husband was in medical school during my SSA son's childhood years. My two oldest kids were teens and helliuns and I was stressed out, lonely, and depressed. Johnathan was such a sweet child and often comforted me. None of us intentionally tried to make any of this happen, but it is sad that we don't realize that some of the things we do or don't do can affect our children.

                    As far as churches go, I think there is still a tremendous amount of education that needs to be done. Bridget
                    ----- Original Message -----
                    From: judiths
                    To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
                    Sent: Monday, February 02, 2004 5:51 PM
                    Subject: Re:Re: [ExGDBd] easliest SSA memory


                    Hi All

                    I am trying to put this in the form of a question. I had a controlling mother & passive father-. How many of you or share about that - you had that or not?
                    church: did any of you hear a sermon from the pulpit (or how many of you) heard a condemning message like Jake? I did & grew up in the church.
                    Jake why did you & are glad you went back to the church? & when did you have that conversation with your Pastor & what enable you or caused you to have that kind of conversation? I talk to some Pastors espeically my childhood Pastor & he wanted to do nothing to help or talk about it from teh pulpit so others could learn about the issue -we do divorce,etc. why not H. I know of other churches in other states I would rather be a part of becuase the ministry is listed in the church bulletin which says a lot for me on the plus side & healing & not here where I live becuase then I would feel not so odd ball out. & that church is growing by leaps and bounds. Makes me angry that my church here doesnt want to reach out to them.

                    Jake -would you be willing to tell me private -the name of that church? -Well one of two things -either how long ago -I know of a church in MN that the Pastor was very kind in wanting to help someone over come H-
                    Judith
                    (if this looks funny -i needed space so I deleted some of the things that come with these emails. )
                    --------------------------------------------------------------


                    [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
                  • okay ray
                    bridget, do not under estimate the role of genetics. some kids have more a disposition for the ssa lifestyle than others in the same family. so, dont blame
                    Message 9 of 25 , Feb 3, 2004
                    • 0 Attachment
                      bridget, do not under estimate the role of genetics.
                      some kids have more a disposition for the ssa
                      lifestyle than others in the same family. so, dont
                      blame yourself. dr ray
                      --- Bridget Night <BridgetNight123@...> wrote:
                      > Hi Judith,
                      >
                      > Some one sent me an article that is on the NARTH
                      > website from a Dr. Donaldson about early parental
                      > influences. It is 33 pages long and mostly about
                      > guys and how they develop SSA but very interesting.
                      > If any one wants a copy I can mail to your personal
                      > email address. One part in it that gives several
                      > scenarios: 1) 'a weak and passive father and a
                      > hostile and explosive mother who devalues father 2)
                      > a hostile father and a mother who hides behind a
                      > victim role and uses the child as a companion victim
                      > or 3) an absent father and a depressed mother who
                      > uses her good-boy son as a support to her
                      > self-esteem. In my case it was number 3. My husband
                      > was in medical school during my SSA son's childhood
                      > years. My two oldest kids were teens and helliuns
                      > and I was stressed out, lonely, and depressed.
                      > Johnathan was such a sweet child and often comforted
                      > me. None of us intentionally tried to make any of
                      > this happen, but it is sad that we don't realize
                      > that some of the things we do or don't do can affect
                      > our children.
                      >
                      > As far as churches go, I think there is still a
                      > tremendous amount of education that needs to be
                      > done. Bridget
                      > ----- Original Message -----
                      > From: judiths
                      > To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
                      > Sent: Monday, February 02, 2004 5:51 PM
                      > Subject: Re:Re: [ExGDBd] easliest SSA memory
                      >
                      >
                      > Hi All
                      >
                      > I am trying to put this in the form of a question.
                      > I had a controlling mother & passive father-. How
                      > many of you or share about that - you had that or
                      > not?
                      > church: did any of you hear a sermon from the
                      > pulpit (or how many of you) heard a condemning
                      > message like Jake? I did & grew up in the church.
                      > Jake why did you & are glad you went back to the
                      > church? & when did you have that conversation with
                      > your Pastor & what enable you or caused you to have
                      > that kind of conversation? I talk to some Pastors
                      > espeically my childhood Pastor & he wanted to do
                      > nothing to help or talk about it from teh pulpit so
                      > others could learn about the issue -we do
                      > divorce,etc. why not H. I know of other churches in
                      > other states I would rather be a part of becuase the
                      > ministry is listed in the church bulletin which says
                      > a lot for me on the plus side & healing & not here
                      > where I live becuase then I would feel not so odd
                      > ball out. & that church is growing by leaps and
                      > bounds. Makes me angry that my church here doesnt
                      > want to reach out to them.
                      >
                      > Jake -would you be willing to tell me private -the
                      > name of that church? -Well one of two things -either
                      > how long ago -I know of a church in MN that the
                      > Pastor was very kind in wanting to help someone over
                      > come H-
                      > Judith
                      > (if this looks funny -i needed space so I deleted
                      > some of the things that come with these emails. )
                      >
                      >
                      --------------------------------------------------------------
                      >
                      >
                      > [Non-text portions of this message have been
                      > removed]
                      >
                      >


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                    • Bridget Night
                      I appreciate you saying that dr. ray. I know Richard Cohen said that same thing on the O Reilly Factor once when he was talking to this gay guy who said, he
                      Message 10 of 25 , Feb 3, 2004
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                        I appreciate you saying that dr. ray. I know Richard Cohen said that same thing on the O'Reilly Factor once when he was talking to this gay guy who said, he had 6 brothers and none of them were gay and they all had a good relationhsip with their dad. Bridget
                        ----- Original Message -----
                        From: okay ray
                        To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
                        Sent: Tuesday, February 03, 2004 12:55 PM
                        Subject: Re: [ExGDBd] easliest SSA memory


                        bridget, do not under estimate the role of genetics.
                        some kids have more a disposition for the ssa
                        lifestyle than others in the same family. so, dont
                        blame yourself. dr ray
                        --- Bridget Night <BridgetNight123@...> wrote:
                        > Hi Judith,
                        >
                        > Some one sent me an article that is on the NARTH
                        > website from a Dr. Donaldson about early parental
                        > influences. It is 33 pages long and mostly about
                        > guys and how they develop SSA but very interesting.
                        > If any one wants a copy I can mail to your personal
                        > email address. One part in it that gives several
                        > scenarios: 1) 'a weak and passive father and a
                        > hostile and explosive mother who devalues father 2)
                        > a hostile father and a mother who hides behind a
                        > victim role and uses the child as a companion victim
                        > or 3) an absent father and a depressed mother who
                        > uses her good-boy son as a support to her
                        > self-esteem. In my case it was number 3. My husband
                        > was in medical school during my SSA son's childhood
                        > years. My two oldest kids were teens and helliuns
                        > and I was stressed out, lonely, and depressed.
                        > Johnathan was such a sweet child and often comforted
                        > me. None of us intentionally tried to make any of
                        > this happen, but it is sad that we don't realize
                        > that some of the things we do or don't do can affect
                        > our children.
                        >
                        > As far as churches go, I think there is still a
                        > tremendous amount of education that needs to be
                        > done. Bridget
                        >

                        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
                      • ElectroMan05@wmconnect.com
                        In a message dated 2/2/04 5:48:08 PM Pacific Standard Time, ... Judith, I had a distant father, alcoholic, that was very verbal in a bad way... My mother was
                        Message 11 of 25 , Feb 3, 2004
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                          In a message dated 2/2/04 5:48:08 PM Pacific Standard Time,
                          judiths@... writes:


                          > I am trying to put this in the form of a question. I had a controlling
                          > mother & passive father-. How many of you or share about that - you had that or
                          > not?
                          > church: did any of you hear a sermon from the pulpit (or how many of you)
                          > heard a condemning message like Jake?

                          Judith,
                          I had a distant father, alcoholic, that was very verbal in a bad way... My
                          mother was nice and compassionate. BUT I see my mother now as more
                          controlling. She uses love for her children in hopes that they will never leave her and
                          will worship her in a way, and if she doesn't get that, she uses guilt trips
                          to get it.
                          As a child I didn't ever hear any sermon, as I wasn't raised in church and
                          only stated attending and joined over a year ago.
                          Your friend, Randy


                          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
                        • ElectroMan05@wmconnect.com
                          In a message dated 2/2/04 6:48:05 PM Pacific Standard Time, ... Henry, I got the names in school, from sissy, to fag and queer... and it didn t help that I
                          Message 12 of 25 , Feb 3, 2004
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                            In a message dated 2/2/04 6:48:05 PM Pacific Standard Time,
                            borych2003@... writes:


                            > I was never called gay growing up.
                            > I was the fat kid. I had my own set of names and insults to deal
                            > with.

                            Henry,
                            I got the names in school, from sissy, to fag and queer... and it didn't
                            help that I was also over weight. Things people say to you always stay in your
                            head. I think I'd rather been beaten than to here the words! I took drastic
                            means to get rid of my weight, and became bulimic for over 2 years! I lost
                            from 210 lbs to 139 lbs, and I am 5'10. I finally had to give it up, it was
                            going to kill me! Even though I am now 170 lbs, they weight problem is still in
                            my head and I continue to struggle with feeling fat even when I am not. I am
                            constantly dieting or thinking about it. We believe what people say about us
                            when we are children...
                            Your friend, Randy


                            [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
                          • newcreationnj
                            Judith, My earliest SSA memory? I was very young and I ll have to be very vague about what happened. Let s just say that I went over to a friend s house (5th
                            Message 13 of 25 , Feb 3, 2004
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                              Judith,

                              My earliest SSA memory? I was very young and I'll have to be very
                              vague about what happened. Let's just say that I went over to a
                              friend's house (5th grade at the time) and he shared with me a stash
                              of magazines he found under his mom's bed. I'll only say that this
                              experience was when I first realized I had a problem with SSA.

                              As far as discussing my past, I have to be very honest: I'm very
                              ashamed of what I did and I gave all of that to Jesus. I'm not sure
                              that it is beneficial to bring up those things which Christ has
                              thrown into the "sea of forgetfulness", though sometimes it's good
                              for us to look back to see how far we've come and to give God praise
                              and thanks for what He brought us out of...in that sense it can be
                              beneficial. The only other way I'll discuss my past is if there is
                              someone trapped in the same situation now and, by sharing with them,
                              I can let them know that I relate to what they are going through. In
                              that case, it's possible for me to use my past experiences to share
                              Christ with someone trapped where I was. Otherwise, I just prefer to
                              dwell on the Christ of my present and follow where He leads me in the
                              days ahead.

                              "Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain
                              to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God,
                              through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven." (Philippians 3:13-
                              14, NLT)

                              Your brother,
                              Kevin D.
                            • Henry B
                              Randy (and others), Over the past 9 or so months I have come to realize that my weight problem was a way to camouflage my attraction to other men from others.
                              Message 14 of 25 , Feb 3, 2004
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                                Randy (and others),

                                Over the past 9 or so months I have come to realize that my weight
                                problem was a way to camouflage my attraction to other men from
                                others. People didn't question that I was in my thirties (or now 40)
                                and single. They just thought 'well he is overweight and can't find a
                                woman'. In other words they sympathized with me instead of questioning
                                my sexual orientation. This was effective with people at church or at
                                work, and even with family members.

                                In my earlier years this may also have been a defense mechanism.
                                Being heavy protected me from being too attractive to others and
                                then having them hurt me (physically, sexually, or emotionally).

                                During these several months I have lost about 23 lbs (so far).
                                This time of healing has also enabled me to let down my guard, to be
                                more open to others affections and be more vulnerable.

                                A few years ago I would have never shared this side of me with anyone,
                                not even anonymously on the internet.


                                RE: Things people say to you always stay in your head. I think I'd
                                rather been beaten than to here the words!

                                A few months ago there was an article in a local paper that discussed
                                a recent study about hurtful words. They said that hurtful words
                                have the same physical affect on a body as physical wounds. The brain
                                produces the same chemicals in the body in both situations.
                                I will try to find the article in my files. It was quite fascinating.

                                I guess the old saying that "sticks and stones may break my bones but
                                words will never hurt me" really isn't true. Most of us could have
                                probably already have said that without this study. But it is nice
                                when science actually confirms life experiences.

                                Randy, like you said that image of being the fat kid stays in a
                                persons mind. That is where we must deal with it first to have
                                successful weight loss and a positive self image. Thats where we can
                                look to Christ and what he has done in our lives and no longer see
                                our past but our future in Him.

                                This is also my contention with ray. We are no longer gay or lesbian
                                after giving our lives to Christ. We are born again and have the image
                                of Christ. We are no longer slaves to sin but free to live in Christ.
                                We are new creations, we are kings and priests. Yes, we may still be
                                tempted to sin from time to time. But we can say NO through the power
                                of the Holy Spirit in us. If we fall we have an advocate with the
                                Father. Jesus gave us a remedy for sin, Christ's cleansing blood.

                                Sorry for rambling on like that. I'll get off my soap box.

                                Blessings,

                                Henry



                                --- In exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com, ElectroMan05@w... wrote:
                                > In a message dated 2/2/04 6:48:05 PM Pacific Standard Time,
                                > borych2003@y... writes:
                                >
                                >
                                > > I was never called gay growing up.
                                > > I was the fat kid. I had my own set of names and insults to deal
                                > > with.
                                >
                                > Henry,
                                > I got the names in school, from sissy, to fag and queer... and it
                                didn't
                                > help that I was also over weight. Things people say to you always
                                stay in your
                                > head. I think I'd rather been beaten than to here the words! I
                                took drastic
                                > means to get rid of my weight, and became bulimic for over 2 years!
                                I lost
                                > from 210 lbs to 139 lbs, and I am 5'10. I finally had to give it
                                up, it was
                                > going to kill me! Even though I am now 170 lbs, they weight
                                problem is still in
                                > my head and I continue to struggle with feeling fat even when I am
                                not. I am
                                > constantly dieting or thinking about it. We believe what people say
                                about us
                                > when we are children...
                                > Your friend, Randy
                                >
                                >
                                > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
                              • Christa Tickle
                                Henry, I really enjoyed your perspective. I agree with what you are saying completely. Although I have never been overweight and had to face that battle, I
                                Message 15 of 25 , Feb 4, 2004
                                • 0 Attachment
                                  Henry, I really enjoyed your perspective. I agree with what you are saying completely. Although I have never been overweight and had to face that battle, I know how hurtful words can affect others. They have affected me and I see how much they affect the people I love and care about. I think the best weapon against a slanderer or gossip, or someone who just thrives at bringing others' down, is the knowledge that we do not have to accept what anyone says about us now that we are in Christ. I think of myself as being encased in this super-natural, protective film, or a shield. When a person I know (or even a total stranger) says something condemning to or about me, or if that person rejects me altogether, I visually imagine that "attack" bouncing off my protective outer coating (Jesus' blood). That image in my mind really weakens the blow. And then I realize that the person/s who slandered me are doing so to meet a need of their own.

                                  God bless you. Praying for you too! : )
                                  Christa

                                  Henry B <borych2003@...> wrote:
                                  Randy (and others),

                                  Over the past 9 or so months I have come to realize that my weight
                                  problem was a way to camouflage my attraction to other men from
                                  others. People didn't question that I was in my thirties (or now 40)
                                  and single. They just thought 'well he is overweight and can't find a
                                  woman'. In other words they sympathized with me instead of questioning
                                  my sexual orientation. This was effective with people at church or at
                                  work, and even with family members.

                                  In my earlier years this may also have been a defense mechanism.
                                  Being heavy protected me from being too attractive to others and
                                  then having them hurt me (physically, sexually, or emotionally).

                                  During these several months I have lost about 23 lbs (so far).
                                  This time of healing has also enabled me to let down my guard, to be
                                  more open to others affections and be more vulnerable.

                                  A few years ago I would have never shared this side of me with anyone,
                                  not even anonymously on the internet.


                                  RE: Things people say to you always stay in your head. I think I'd
                                  rather been beaten than to here the words!

                                  A few months ago there was an article in a local paper that discussed
                                  a recent study about hurtful words. They said that hurtful words
                                  have the same physical affect on a body as physical wounds. The brain
                                  produces the same chemicals in the body in both situations.
                                  I will try to find the article in my files. It was quite fascinating.

                                  I guess the old saying that "sticks and stones may break my bones but
                                  words will never hurt me" really isn't true. Most of us could have
                                  probably already have said that without this study. But it is nice
                                  when science actually confirms life experiences.

                                  Randy, like you said that image of being the fat kid stays in a
                                  persons mind. That is where we must deal with it first to have
                                  successful weight loss and a positive self image. Thats where we can
                                  look to Christ and what he has done in our lives and no longer see
                                  our past but our future in Him.

                                  This is also my contention with ray. We are no longer gay or lesbian
                                  after giving our lives to Christ. We are born again and have the image
                                  of Christ. We are no longer slaves to sin but free to live in Christ.
                                  We are new creations, we are kings and priests. Yes, we may still be
                                  tempted to sin from time to time. But we can say NO through the power
                                  of the Holy Spirit in us. If we fall we have an advocate with the
                                  Father. Jesus gave us a remedy for sin, Christ's cleansing blood.

                                  Sorry for rambling on like that. I'll get off my soap box.

                                  Blessings,

                                  Henry



                                  --- In exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com, ElectroMan05@w... wrote:
                                  > In a message dated 2/2/04 6:48:05 PM Pacific Standard Time,
                                  > borych2003@y... writes:
                                  >
                                  >
                                  > > I was never called gay growing up.
                                  > > I was the fat kid. I had my own set of names and insults to deal
                                  > > with.
                                  >
                                  > Henry,
                                  > I got the names in school, from sissy, to fag and queer... and it
                                  didn't
                                  > help that I was also over weight. Things people say to you always
                                  stay in your
                                  > head. I think I'd rather been beaten than to here the words! I
                                  took drastic
                                  > means to get rid of my weight, and became bulimic for over 2 years!
                                  I lost
                                  > from 210 lbs to 139 lbs, and I am 5'10. I finally had to give it
                                  up, it was
                                  > going to kill me! Even though I am now 170 lbs, they weight
                                  problem is still in
                                  > my head and I continue to struggle with feeling fat even when I am
                                  not. I am
                                  > constantly dieting or thinking about it. We believe what people say
                                  about us
                                  > when we are children...
                                  > Your friend, Randy
                                  >
                                  >
                                  > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]



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                                  [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
                                • ElectroMan05@wmconnect.com
                                  Henry, Your post was very honest and touched my heart. Thanks! Your friend, Randy [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
                                  Message 16 of 25 , Feb 4, 2004
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                                    Henry,
                                    Your post was very honest and touched my heart. Thanks!

                                    Your friend, Randy


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