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Re: [ExGDBd] Telling my dad

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  • Paul Silen
    Hi Paul, You be thankful to The Lord that your parents were accepting when you told them. When I came out with my family it was a different story. It took me
    Message 1 of 3 , Mar 7, 2010
      Hi Paul,

      You be thankful to The Lord that your parents were accepting when you told them. When I came out with my family it was a different story. It took me until my early 30's before I could muster up enough courage. I first told my older brother. He was very upset! He went and told my other brother and my parents and all #@$% hit thr fan! My father said, "As if it weren't bad enough that you've been a problem to us all of your life, but now this?"

      My mother said, "First you divorce yourself from Judaism to become a Christian! Now you become a homo! Anything to disgrace us! Tell me. How many little boys have you molested? I hope you get caught and go to jail for it!"

      We went until well into the night yelling and screaming at each other. After it was all over I prayed for them.

      Many years later I came to the realization that although rejection seeks approval. If I seek the approval of those who reject me I will never get it. If I had it to do all over again I would handle it a lot differently. First I wouldn't volunteer any information, and if confronted I would tell them, "Yes, I am attracted to males. I don't know how or why, but it doesn't make any difference. It happened and I don't owe you or anybody else any appologies. If you choose not to accept it this is something that you are going to have to deal with."

      Unfortunately my parents died before I went into recovery.

      --- On Sat, 3/6/10, Paul Gaetani <paulgaetani@...> wrote:

      > From: Paul Gaetani <paulgaetani@...>
      > Subject: [ExGDBd] Telling my dad
      > To: ha-2@yahoogroups.com, "EGDB" <exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com>
      > Date: Saturday, March 6, 2010, 6:44 PM
      >
      > Hi Folks!
      >
      >
      >
      > Tomorrow, I turn 42.  On this, the eve of my birthday,
      > I decided to enlist my dad in my healing journey.  So,
      > I went to my parents' house for dinner and after dinner, I
      > handed my mom a box of kleenex and read the following two
      > letters. 
      >
      >
      > Mom & Dad,
      > Tomorrow is my birthday, and dad’s is coming up. 
      > This year, I am going to give us both a present, the dad I
      > have always wanted.
      >
      > Mom, I am doing this for me, for my healing and
      > benefit.  Right now, this is between me and Dad. 
      > Mom, I ask that you stand back and stand by.  Support
      > dad when he needs it.  And I ask you to be patient and
      > wait.  Your turn will come, but right now, I need some
      > space and time to be with my dad.
      >
      >
      >
      > I then sat on the coffee table, facing my dad on the
      > couch.
      >
      >
      >
      >
      > Dear Dad,
      > You are my father, and I love and honor you.  I moved
      > to Maryland to be closer to you.
      >
      > I know that as a child, I was often difficult to
      > understand.  I know that as a child, I was difficult to
      > reach, because I shut you out.  I am sorry for this,
      > and ask your forgiveness.  You see, for some reason I
      > decided when I was about 4 or 5 that you did not like
      > me.  I then defensively decided that I didn’t like
      > you first, and built up emotional walls to maintain a safe
      > distance.  Safe, because my perception that you did not
      > like me hurt me terribly and by stonewalling you, I could
      > prevent myself from being hurt again.  I desperately
      > needed your love and approval, but did not know how to ask
      > for it.  As a hyper-sensitive child, I felt different
      > from most boys.  I did not understand what this
      > difference meant, and I did not understand how to
      > incorporate this difference into my development into a man.
      >
      > Dad, I love you and I don’t want to cause you pain or
      > heartbreak.  Indeed, I really didn’t want to tell you
      > this, but two people have influenced me to do so, my
      > counselor, who says it would be very helpful to my healing,
      > and a friend, who said that by not telling you, I would be
      > denying you an opportunity to father me.  I have done
      > that too often.  In my search for healing, I have heard
      > some stories of absolutely horrific fathers, and I am
      > blessed to have a loving, Godly man, whom I can admire, love
      > and respect as my father.
      >
      > I’m sure you know what I am going to tell you, I’m sure
      > you knew 20 years ago when that crazy lady called the house
      > late one night.  I struggle with same sex attraction,
      > sometimes victoriously, sometimes in miserable
      > failure.  Several friends warned me to be prepared for
      > a negative or unsupportive response from you.  I told
      > them that I had no doubt as to your response, that my father
      > would love and support me in my search for healing in any
      > way that he could, that my father would love and accept
      > me.  I know I can be sure of God’s love and, Dad, I
      > know I can be sure of your love.
      >
      > Dad, I would like you to join me in talking with my
      > counselor sometime.  He will be in Pittsburg the week
      > of March 15th, and I intend to see him, I would like it very
      > much if you could join me.  I’ve ordered a book that
      > I ask you to read as well.
      >
      > Dad, I love you so much, and I am so glad you are my
      > father.  I want to be closer to you.  I want to
      > spend time with you.  Maybe we would work at the
      > stables together on Sunday mornings, followed by breakfast.
      >
      >
      > Your loving son,
      >
      >
      >
      > After reading the letter, my dad took me in his arms, I
      > cried a bit while he held me, he told me that his love was
      > unconditional, and unconditional meant just that.  I
      > stayed in his arms for several minutes, basking in his love
      > and support and acceptance.  After that, I hugged my
      > mom for awhile, and explained that I just needed to spend
      > extra time alone with my dad right now, and she is okay with
      > that.  Of course, she cried her eyes out to know that
      > her son has carried this pain, and I told her not to worry,
      > that the journey would be all downhill from here.  (I
      > know that may not be exactly true, but who wants their mom
      > to worry about them?)
      >
      >
      >
      > Thank you, my friends, for your support and encouragement
      > in my journey.  I feel more emotionally complete, whole
      > and content than I can ever remember feeling, and your
      > support has helped me achieve that.
      >
      >
      >
      > In Christ's name,
      >
      > Paul
      >    
      >         
      >           
      >  
      > _________________________________________________________________
      > Your E-mail and More On-the-Go. Get Windows Live Hotmail
      > Free.
      > http://clk.atdmt.com/GBL/go/201469229/direct/01/
      >
      > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      >
      >
      >
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    • DebbieThurman
      Paul, I thought I had posted a response to your delightful news yesterday morning. Not sure why it never showed up. Sorry. Let s try again. I can t quite
      Message 2 of 3 , Mar 8, 2010
        Paul, I thought I had posted a response to your delightful news yesterday morning. Not sure why it never showed up. Sorry. Let's try again.

        I can't quite duplicate my emotional reaction from when I first read what you wrote. You brought tears to my eyes. Yeah, good thing I also had some Kleenex nearby. I am praising God with you! It hit me in a more poignant way because our newest son-in-law, come May 22, had shared with us at the dinner table the evening before how he'd just had a very healing conversation with his own dad. No SSA there, but other issues that can divide are no less hurtful.

        So delighted that God was in both situations, yours and his. I can also tell you that when I first confided in my mom quite a few years ago, with much trepidation, her loving response was like a soothing balm for my soul, too. So, I know the feeling. May this blossom into a full-flowered reconciliation for you and your parents. The love was always there. It just had not found its expression yet.

        And, Paul S., I am also painfully aware that this kind of reconciliation does not occur for many others. There may be lots of reasons why. You were no less worthy of it. Pain can run so deep it blinds us and divides us for a long time. I know our God is able to bring us through those deep waters, even if we never get what our human heart desires. My husband never got that with either his father or step-father. But he has gained much peace over time. Bless you.

        Debbie

        --- In exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com, Paul Gaetani <paulgaetani@...> wrote:
        >
        >
        > Hi Folks!
        >
        >
        >
        > Tomorrow, I turn 42. On this, the eve of my birthday, I decided to enlist my dad in my healing journey. So, I went to my parents' house for dinner and after dinner, I handed my mom a box of kleenex and read the following two letters.
        >
        >
        > Mom & Dad,
        > Tomorrow is my birthday, and dad's is coming up. This year, I am going to give us both a present, the dad I have always wanted.
        >
        > Mom, I am doing this for me, for my healing and benefit. Right now, this is between me and Dad. Mom, I ask that you stand back and stand by. Support dad when he needs it. And I ask you to be patient and wait. Your turn will come, but right now, I need some space and time to be with my dad.
        >
        >
        >
        > I then sat on the coffee table, facing my dad on the couch.
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > Dear Dad,
        > You are my father, and I love and honor you. I moved to Maryland to be closer to you.
        >
        > I know that as a child, I was often difficult to understand. I know that as a child, I was difficult to reach, because I shut you out. I am sorry for this, and ask your forgiveness. You see, for some reason I decided when I was about 4 or 5 that you did not like me. I then defensively decided that I didn't like you first, and built up emotional walls to maintain a safe distance. Safe, because my perception that you did not like me hurt me terribly and by stonewalling you, I could prevent myself from being hurt again. I desperately needed your love and approval, but did not know how to ask for it. As a hyper-sensitive child, I felt different from most boys. I did not understand what this difference meant, and I did not understand how to incorporate this difference into my development into a man.
        >
        > Dad, I love you and I don't want to cause you pain or heartbreak. Indeed, I really didn't want to tell you this, but two people have influenced me to do so, my counselor, who says it would be very helpful to my healing, and a friend, who said that by not telling you, I would be denying you an opportunity to father me. I have done that too often. In my search for healing, I have heard some stories of absolutely horrific fathers, and I am blessed to have a loving, Godly man, whom I can admire, love and respect as my father.
        >
        > I'm sure you know what I am going to tell you, I'm sure you knew 20 years ago when that crazy lady called the house late one night. I struggle with same sex attraction, sometimes victoriously, sometimes in miserable failure. Several friends warned me to be prepared for a negative or unsupportive response from you. I told them that I had no doubt as to your response, that my father would love and support me in my search for healing in any way that he could, that my father would love and accept me. I know I can be sure of God's love and, Dad, I know I can be sure of your love.
        >
        > Dad, I would like you to join me in talking with my counselor sometime. He will be in Pittsburg the week of March 15th, and I intend to see him, I would like it very much if you could join me. I've ordered a book that I ask you to read as well.
        >
        > Dad, I love you so much, and I am so glad you are my father. I want to be closer to you. I want to spend time with you. Maybe we would work at the stables together on Sunday mornings, followed by breakfast.
        >
        >
        > Your loving son,
        >
        >
        >
        > After reading the letter, my dad took me in his arms, I cried a bit while he held me, he told me that his love was unconditional, and unconditional meant just that. I stayed in his arms for several minutes, basking in his love and support and acceptance. After that, I hugged my mom for awhile, and explained that I just needed to spend extra time alone with my dad right now, and she is okay with that. Of course, she cried her eyes out to know that her son has carried this pain, and I told her not to worry, that the journey would be all downhill from here. (I know that may not be exactly true, but who wants their mom to worry about them?)
        >
        >
        >
        > Thank you, my friends, for your support and encouragement in my journey. I feel more emotionally complete, whole and content than I can ever remember feeling, and your support has helped me achieve that.
        >
        >
        >
        > In Christ's name,
        >
        > Paul
        >
        > _________________________________________________________________
        > Your E-mail and More On-the-Go. Get Windows Live Hotmail Free.
        > http://clk.atdmt.com/GBL/go/201469229/direct/01/
        >
        > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        >
      • DebbieThurman
        Praying for a long and fruitful life for you, Paul! Debbie
        Message 3 of 3 , Mar 8, 2010
          Praying for a long and fruitful life for you, Paul!

          Debbie

          --- In exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com, Paul Gaetani <paulgaetani@...> wrote:
          >
          >
          > Hi Debbie!
          >
          >
          >
          > Thanks for celebrating and praising with me. I always enjoy your responses and points of view.
          >
          >
          >
          > I am still in the process of fully understanding and accepting that the love was always there, that my brokeness kept me from accepting it fully. Every day I express my gratitude to God for so richly blessing me with such a wonderful man for my dad!
          >
          >
          >
          > I know that my journey is far from over, but with my Dad at my back and with God for us, who can possibly be against us?
          >
          >
          >
          > So I go forward, into healing, into a richer, deeper relationship with God and pray that God keeps my mind and heart open to all the healing and love that he has for me!
          >
          >
          >
          > I think 42 will be a good year for me!!
          >
          >
          >
          > Paul
          >
          > > To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
          > > From: debbie@...
          > > Date: Mon, 8 Mar 2010 12:03:53 +0000
          > > Subject: [ExGDBd] Re: Telling my dad
          > >
          > > Paul, I thought I had posted a response to your delightful news yesterday morning. Not sure why it never showed up. Sorry. Let's try again.
          > >
          > > I can't quite duplicate my emotional reaction from when I first read what you wrote. You brought tears to my eyes. Yeah, good thing I also had some Kleenex nearby. I am praising God with you! It hit me in a more poignant way because our newest son-in-law, come May 22, had shared with us at the dinner table the evening before how he'd just had a very healing conversation with his own dad. No SSA there, but other issues that can divide are no less hurtful.
          > >
          > > So delighted that God was in both situations, yours and his. I can also tell you that when I first confided in my mom quite a few years ago, with much trepidation, her loving response was like a soothing balm for my soul, too. So, I know the feeling. May this blossom into a full-flowered reconciliation for you and your parents. The love was always there. It just had not found its expression yet.
          > >
          > > And, Paul S., I am also painfully aware that this kind of reconciliation does not occur for many others. There may be lots of reasons why. You were no less worthy of it. Pain can run so deep it blinds us and divides us for a long time. I know our God is able to bring us through those deep waters, even if we never get what our human heart desires. My husband never got that with either his father or step-father. But he has gained much peace over time. Bless you.
          > >
          > > Debbie
          > >
          >
          > _________________________________________________________________
          > Hotmail: Trusted email with powerful SPAM protection.
          > http://clk.atdmt.com/GBL/go/201469227/direct/01/
          >
          > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
          >
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