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Crushed Again

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  • Debbie Thurman
    Troy, I am sure your sister and brother-in-law are laboring to understand your SSA struggle. I am guessing they feel that your holding onto some gay friends is
    Message 1 of 5 , Nov 7, 2009
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      Troy, I am sure your sister and brother-in-law are laboring to understand
      your SSA struggle. I am guessing they feel that your holding onto some gay
      friends is walking too close to the edge of temptation. Only you and God
      know where that line is for you.

      I know you'd like to see them be more accepting and less judgmental. It's a
      situation that needs much prayer, remembering that "love covers a multitude
      of sins" ‹ theirs and yours. I pray for God's patience for you all.

      Debbie
    • Paul Silen
      Hi Bondtk,   The problem is with your immediate family, not you! Are you brother and sister both Christians? If so, they need to read their Bible. Now I can
      Message 2 of 5 , Nov 8, 2009
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        Hi Bondtk,
         
        The problem is with your immediate family, not you! Are you brother and sister both Christians? If so, they need to read their Bible. Now I can see their point if you and your friend were having illicit relations and you were flaunting it, (which I doubt). Then, they'd have reason to be upset and restrictive. But if he's just a friend from out of town who is sleeping on your couch, I don't see anything wrong with that. And your brother and sisiter need to be reminded that The Church is supposed to be a sanctuary for sinners, not a mutual admiration society for the self righteous.

        --- On Fri, 11/6/09, bondtk <bondtk@...> wrote:


        From: bondtk <bondtk@...>
        Subject: [ExGDBd] Crushed Again
        To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
        Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 7:47 PM


         



        Here I go again with my saga and sob story! But tonight my sister is in town (staying with my brother nearby) but I also have a gay friend in town visiting me. But they now tell me I'm not allowed to bring my friend with me because it would be condoning something. I am very very hurt by this. I can't leave my friend home alone and go visit them. They know my struggles and should understand I survive on a handful of friends that the majority happen to be gay. I have said over and over that I would NEVER push anything in anyone's face if there was something to even push. But they look at it differently and "have drawn the line" with being around anyone in my life that might be male and first assume that all male friends have SSA. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? I'm crushed!

        Troy











        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      • Thom Hunter
        Troy, This is a really tough one. Unfortunately, the burden of having a struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, as opposed to being openly gay, is a very
        Message 3 of 5 , Nov 8, 2009
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          Troy,

          This is a really tough one. Unfortunately, the burden of having a struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, as opposed to being openly gay, is a very big burden.  The lack of understanding of those who do not struggle is just something we often have to add to the load.  A lot of it is fear and some of it is just experience, especially if they have been disappointed in our efforts in the past.  It raises the level of skepticism.  If we have been deceptive in the past, it is a very slow process of regaining trust.  I'm not making any assumptions about you and how your past experiences with your family might have played out.

          Reality, as cruel as it is, is that your brother does have a right to draw the line about who visits his home.  And, while it does appear a bit self-righteous, apparently your sister agrees with his decision.  Faced with this, it seems like you have to decide whether the relationship with the gay friend is valuable enough to risk further estrangement from your family.  In other words, will they think you have chosen the gay friend over them? This could further reinforce their apparent view that he is more than just a friend.

          Your brother ans sister may also be thinking that if you bring your friend along, the conversation and everything else shifts, requiring them, out of politeness, to accept someone they are uncomfortable with at this time, if your gay friend is still in the lifestyle.  I agree with Paul that we need to be compassionate as Christians even towards those who are willfully sinning.  However, if your brother and sister are blind to that possibility right now, the fellowship could be pretty jarring and damaging and embarrassing for your friend.

          I know it's tough, but I think I would counter with an alternative, asking them to meet you and your friend at an alternate site, like a restaurant. 

          I don't think your life will always be like this. The restoring of relationships that have been damaged like these takes a good bit of time.  If they love you, they are wanting to see consistent improvement in your struggle. 

          I would do what I could to keep the family ties. 

          Thom
          http://thom-signsofastruggle.blogspot.com/

          --- On Sun, 11/8/09, Paul Silen <p_csilen@...> wrote:

          From: Paul Silen <p_csilen@...>
          Subject: Re: [ExGDBd] Crushed Again
          To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
          Date: Sunday, November 8, 2009, 2:50 PM







           









          Hi Bondtk,

           

          The problem is with your immediate family, not you! Are you brother and sister both Christians? If so, they need to read their Bible. Now I can see their point if you and your friend were having illicit relations and you were flaunting it, (which I doubt). Then, they'd have reason to be upset and restrictive. But if he's just a friend from out of town who is sleeping on your couch, I don't see anything wrong with that. And your brother and sisiter need to be reminded that The Church is supposed to be a sanctuary for sinners, not a mutual admiration society for the self righteous.



          --- On Fri, 11/6/09, bondtk <bondtk@hotmail. com> wrote:



          From: bondtk <bondtk@hotmail. com>

          Subject: [ExGDBd] Crushed Again

          To: exgaydiscussionboar d@yahoogroups. com

          Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 7:47 PM



           



          Here I go again with my saga and sob story! But tonight my sister is in town (staying with my brother nearby) but I also have a gay friend in town visiting me. But they now tell me I'm not allowed to bring my friend with me because it would be condoning something. I am very very hurt by this. I can't leave my friend home alone and go visit them. They know my struggles and should understand I survive on a handful of friends that the majority happen to be gay. I have said over and over that I would NEVER push anything in anyone's face if there was something to even push. But they look at it differently and "have drawn the line" with being around anyone in my life that might be male and first assume that all male friends have SSA. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? I'm crushed!



          Troy



          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

























          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        • bondtk
          A couple thoughts: I decided long ago not to volunteer any further information about me and what s going on with me (good or bad) since I got burned by doing
          Message 4 of 5 , Nov 9, 2009
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            A couple thoughts:
            I decided long ago not to volunteer any further information about me and what's going on with me (good or bad) since I got burned by doing just that in the beginning. Maybe this is not good, but to tell more is to be further rejected and treated like a criminal. All I wanted was to have my friend tag along without assumptions (true or not) and I did suggest a restaurant and they refused that as well. If my life does not outwardly indicate a lifestyle (which I've never put myself into that category of a "lifestyle", in other words, I don't put myself into that bucket of being gay even though I would say I may fall into that category just by my very attractions/desires) why not just take what you see at face value and nothing more. If I were to be all "kissy kissy" with someone then maybe I could see. Or if I said, "Here, meet my boyfriend" then I could understand that as well because those things push things in people's faces and I would never do that and never have. But to totally reject even the thought of another gay person in my company in front of them is hurtful. They feel it encourages me to be with gay friends, but I'm sorry, currently nobody else really wants to be my friend so I get encouragement from those others condemn. I would suggest then the next time they are in a restaurant with an obvious waiter of the same persuasion to move to another table so as to not be interacting with someone like that and supporting them with their tip. I guess it makes me feel like if you can't interact with someone who doesn't push an ajenda in your face in direct opposition to what you believe, then how can you interact with your brother who doesn't do that either??

            When I stand back and try to observe myself, I find myself getting defensive like this. How easy it is to become this way when you feel attacked and rejected on every side. Again, it is no wonder why they non-christian gay person usually has nothing to do with Christianity when they see these things. I know better and it still affects me. At my brother's church lastnight the pastor said, "Sometimes God treats us better than our Christian brothers and sisters in Christ." I had to chuckle at that one because it's so true in what I've expereienced. I watched "Prayers for Bobby" again over the weekend and just sobbed. When he says, "Why would anybody choose this" (speaking of attractions-not actions, of course) and him at least thinking he had tried everything he could and nothing was working put him in such desperation. The pressure just overwhelmed him. But it's too late for loved ones to finally understand that concept when what Bobby did happens in their own family.

            Troy

            --- In exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com, Thom Hunter <th2950@...> wrote:
            >
            > Troy,
            >
            > This is a really tough one. Unfortunately, the burden of having a struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, as opposed to being openly gay, is a very big burden.  The lack of understanding of those who do not struggle is just something we often have to add to the load.  A lot of it is fear and some of it is just experience, especially if they have been disappointed in our efforts in the past.  It raises the level of skepticism.  If we have been deceptive in the past, it is a very slow process of regaining trust.  I'm not making any assumptions about you and how your past experiences with your family might have played out.
            >
            > Reality, as cruel as it is, is that your brother does have a right to draw the line about who visits his home.  And, while it does appear a bit self-righteous, apparently your sister agrees with his decision.  Faced with this, it seems like you have to decide whether the relationship with the gay friend is valuable enough to risk further estrangement from your family.  In other words, will they think you have chosen the gay friend over them? This could further reinforce their apparent view that he is more than just a friend.
            >
            > Your brother ans sister may also be thinking that if you bring your friend along, the conversation and everything else shifts, requiring them, out of politeness, to accept someone they are uncomfortable with at this time, if your gay friend is still in the lifestyle.  I agree with Paul that we need to be compassionate as Christians even towards those who are willfully sinning.  However, if your brother and sister are blind to that possibility right now, the fellowship could be pretty jarring and damaging and embarrassing for your friend.
            >
            > I know it's tough, but I think I would counter with an alternative, asking them to meet you and your friend at an alternate site, like a restaurant. 
            >
            > I don't think your life will always be like this. The restoring of relationships that have been damaged like these takes a good bit of time.  If they love you, they are wanting to see consistent improvement in your struggle. 
            >
            > I would do what I could to keep the family ties. 
            >
            > Thom
            > http://thom-signsofastruggle.blogspot.com/
            >
            > --- On Sun, 11/8/09, Paul Silen <p_csilen@...> wrote:
            >
            > From: Paul Silen <p_csilen@...>
            > Subject: Re: [ExGDBd] Crushed Again
            > To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
            > Date: Sunday, November 8, 2009, 2:50 PM
            >
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            > Hi Bondtk,
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            >  
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            > The problem is with your immediate family, not you! Are you brother and sister both Christians? If so, they need to read their Bible. Now I can see their point if you and your friend were having illicit relations and you were flaunting it, (which I doubt). Then, they'd have reason to be upset and restrictive. But if he's just a friend from out of town who is sleeping on your couch, I don't see anything wrong with that. And your brother and sisiter need to be reminded that The Church is supposed to be a sanctuary for sinners, not a mutual admiration society for the self righteous.
            >
            >
            >
            > --- On Fri, 11/6/09, bondtk <bondtk@hotmail. com> wrote:
            >
            >
            >
            > From: bondtk <bondtk@hotmail. com>
            >
            > Subject: [ExGDBd] Crushed Again
            >
            > To: exgaydiscussionboar d@yahoogroups. com
            >
            > Date: Friday, November 6, 2009, 7:47 PM
            >
            >
            >
            >  
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            > Here I go again with my saga and sob story! But tonight my sister is in town (staying with my brother nearby) but I also have a gay friend in town visiting me. But they now tell me I'm not allowed to bring my friend with me because it would be condoning something. I am very very hurt by this. I can't leave my friend home alone and go visit them. They know my struggles and should understand I survive on a handful of friends that the majority happen to be gay. I have said over and over that I would NEVER push anything in anyone's face if there was something to even push. But they look at it differently and "have drawn the line" with being around anyone in my life that might be male and first assume that all male friends have SSA. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? I'm crushed!
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            > Troy
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