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Article: "What If I Don't Change?

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  • Bridget Night
    Recently, I have been asked by people who have prayed so long to change or prayed for their loved ones to change why it has not happened even though they had
    Message 1 of 2 , Jan 27 5:08 AM
      Recently, I have been asked by people who have prayed so long to change
      or prayed for their loved ones to change why it has not happened even
      though they had so much faith. I came across this article which made some
      good points and wondered what you all thought? I have come to realize
      that even if my son never changes, the blessings that have come to me and
      my family because of my son's Same-sex attraction have been enormous: 1)
      It forced me to come to Christ on a deeper level. 2) I have met people and
      made friends that I never would have ever met otherwise 3) It forced me to
      learn how to use a computer and write a book 4) It made me study, read,
      and learn about so many things 5). Attend conferences I would never have
      attended before 6). Forced my marriage to grow 7). Changed my family
      members to grow 8). Helped me find a good therapist to work on myself
      9). I was able to help other people and learn to be more tolerant and
      compassion.

      Bridget





      What If I Don't Change?

      By Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D.

      Over the years, many men have come to my office for help in changing
      their sexual orientation. Homosexuality doesn't work in their lives.
      It just never feels right or true. To these men, it is clear that
      gay relationships don't reflect who they are as gendered beings, and
      that they have been designed--physically and emotionally--for
      opposite-sex coupling.

      But reorientation therapy is a long and difficult process, with no
      guarantee of success. What if the man doesn't change? Will he have
      gained anything of value?

      People are often surprised to hear that in reparative therapy,
      typically there is very little discussion about sex. In fact, it is
      a mistake for any psychotherapy to focus exclusively on one
      particular symptom. Clients come in with a difficulty that they want
      removed from their life--an eating disorder, gambling obsession, or
      unwanted same-sex attraction-- but good therapy addresses the whole
      person.

      I typically tell my clients in the very first session, "Rule Number
      One is, never accept anything I say unless it resolates as true for
      you." The experience of the client, whatever that may be, must
      always trump any preconceived theory. Reparative theory holds that
      the origin of SSA is in unmet emotional and identification needs
      with the same sex, and the client is free to accept or reject that
      premise. If that doesn't feel true to him, he will usually decide to
      leave therapy after one or two sessions.

      But if he continues, the therapeutic setting will provide a "holding
      environment," an opportunity in which he can explore, reexperience
      and assimilate past, painful trauma. Here, he begins to liberate
      himself from old patterns of self-sabotage. He grows beyond the
      emotional isolation and chronic loneliness that have so long limited
      him, and develops a renewed emotional investment in authentic
      relatedness.

      Through a relationship with an attuned therapist, the client
      discovers how it feels to emotionally disclose to another man--
      revealing those long-buried, shame-evoking feelings. He experiences
      from him a deep acceptance of wherever he is in his life, at that
      point in time, whether he changes or not. Such an experience is
      always deeply therapeutic.

      Besides an enhanced ability to develop genuine male friendships, the
      client will discover healthier relationships with females-- where he
      learns to prohibit the boundary violations with women that have
      caused him to surrender his separate, masculine selfhood.

      He will also learn how to examine himself with appropriate criticism-
      -no longer "beating himself up" with self-blame-- and in the
      process, he will better distinguish between constructive critiques
      and shame-based distortions. As one client put it,

      "In the past, I made the worst self-appraisals and simply assumed
      the worst about myself. But now, there is a clarity of wants and
      needs--strength in my voice--and a deeper way of communicating."

      With time, he develops the conviction that he must accept the people
      in his life as they are, without the need to defensively distort
      reality in order to remember them as having been better than they
      were. Further, any hurt and anger at parents and peers turns into a
      certain benevolent acceptance: "They were what they were." "In their
      own way, I know my parents loved me." "Those other guys had their
      own insecurities." Here, the man comes to understand the attachments
      he has formed with a new attitude of humility and compassion--even
      toward those who have hurt him.

      One man told me:

      Last night I had a salient conversation with myself about giving to
      others. I can empathize with other people more--because now, I can
      feel my own feelings more.

      I think I've finally quit hiding from myself--and I want my personal
      journey to end with deeper relationships with people.

      Rather than focusing on sexual-orientation change, the primary work
      of therapy is, in fact, to teach the client to relate from a place
      of authenticity, openness and honesty. This way-of-being in the
      world is what we call the Assertive Stance, where the person matches
      up his inner feelings with his outer dealings--to paraphrase Fosha,
      who defines the healthy individual as the person who is
      actively "feeling and dealing." *

      We, too, believe that "feeling and dealing" is the essential
      ingredient to the healing of SSA: teaching the person to live and
      love from his authentic self. When he truly does so, we believe, his
      unwanted SSA will powerfully diminish and ultimately disappear.

      Besides this growth in human connectedness, the client learns to
      reject the Shame Posture that has so long paralyzed him. As one man
      explained:

      "In the center of my chest I feel the heavy truth that I've spent 40
      years of my life not taking action; afraid of men--afraid of women--
      afraid of living. I've let my shame-wound separate me from people."

      The client should conclude therapy with a better understanding of
      why he has those attractions that feel so alien to his ego, and what
      he can do, if he wishes, to continue to diminish them.

      But what about the client who fails to change; will he be left in a
      sort of "intimacy limbo" -- not heterosexual, yet unable to be
      intimate with men? The truth is, our client was never intimate with
      men. That is why he came to therapy. He also came to us because he
      believes that true sexual intimacy with a person of the same gender
      is, in fact, not possible: same-sex eroticism simply fails to match
      his biological and emotional design, and does not reflect who he is
      on the deepest level.

      Some clients, of course, change their worldview over time. "Jason"
      recently left reparative therapy to live in a gay relationship. He
      had come to believe that homosexuality was, contrary to his earlier
      beliefs, truly compatible with his religion. His worldview had
      changed so much that he and I were no longer in fundamental
      agreement about the meaning of homosexuality, and we agreed to end
      our working relationship. He told me, "I didn't change sexual
      orientation, but I can truly say that I've learned to be my own
      person."

      Other men enter reparative therapy as gay-identified from the start.
      With those clients, we agree on a precondition to our working
      together--that is, we will not address the issue of sexual-identity
      change, but we will work on all of their other problems in living.
      And so we work on issues like capacity for intimacy, problems with
      self-esteem, internalized shame, childhood trauma, and the search
      for identity.

      The good therapist always conveys his complete acceptance of the
      client, even if that client eventually decides to gay-identify. Like
      Jason, some of our clients decide to change course and embrace
      homosexuality as "who they are." Some never lose their conviction
      that they were designed to be heterosexual, and they persist toward
      that goal. Others remain ambivalent about change, while going in and
      out of gay life over a period of months. We accept their choices
      even if we don't agree with them, because we accept the person.

      http://www.narth.com/docs/whatif.html<http://www.narth.com/docs/whatif.htm
      l>

      <http://www.1stbooks.com/bookview/12053> www.1stbooks.com/bookview/12053





      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    • Paul Silen
      Speaking for myself, The main reason that I became a Christian is because the Christians who evangelized and witnessed to me promised me deliverence from ALL
      Message 2 of 2 , Jan 28 1:23 AM
        Speaking for myself, The main reason that I became a Christian is because the Christians who evangelized and witnessed to me promised me deliverence from ALL sin including SSA. The tragedy that came out of all of that was this. Back in the early '70's we as chronologically as well as spiritually young belivers were not ministered to be deciples as much as we were ministered to be zealots. I worked for most of my professional live in sales. And Christian ministry was the best sales training that I ever had. I remember how we were all under imense pressure to put on our game face and how we had to be a prepetual "witness" for The Lord. Think back to your high school days. Remember how the cheerleaders used to portray an image of thrill and excitement on a game day? It wasn't any different for young believers back in the day. Back then it was alright to be a reformed alcoholic or durg addict, or even a criminal. But try being yoked with the secret of
        deviant sex behavior, need I say more if you were to be found out. It was no wonder that I left The Church.
         
        Look back in retrospect as I look at my years of recovery and my growth in my faith, I have finally learned to thank The Lord for allowing me to be endowed with SSA. Through this I have learned so much more about grace and forgivness that I wouldn't have otherwise. Who's to say? Maybe if I had grown up with normal sexual development, I might not have ever become a Christian.

        --- On Tue, 1/27/09, Bridget Night <BridgetNight123@...> wrote:

        From: Bridget Night <BridgetNight123@...>
        Subject: [ExGDBd] Article: "What If I Don't Change?
        To: bridgetnight123@...
        Date: Tuesday, January 27, 2009, 6:08 AM






        Recently, I have been asked by people who have prayed so long to change
        or prayed for their loved ones to change why it has not happened even
        though they had so much faith. I came across this article which made some
        good points and wondered what you all thought? I have come to realize
        that even if my son never changes, the blessings that have come to me and
        my family because of my son's Same-sex attraction have been enormous: 1)
        It forced me to come to Christ on a deeper level. 2) I have met people and
        made friends that I never would have ever met otherwise 3) It forced me to
        learn how to use a computer and write a book 4) It made me study, read,
        and learn about so many things 5). Attend conferences I would never have
        attended before 6). Forced my marriage to grow 7). Changed my family
        members to grow 8). Helped me find a good therapist to work on myself
        9). I was able to help other people and learn to be more tolerant and
        compassion.

        Bridget

        What If I Don't Change?

        By Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D.

        Over the years, many men have come to my office for help in changing
        their sexual orientation. Homosexuality doesn't work in their lives.
        It just never feels right or true. To these men, it is clear that
        gay relationships don't reflect who they are as gendered beings, and
        that they have been designed--physicall y and emotionally- -for
        opposite-sex coupling.

        But reorientation therapy is a long and difficult process, with no
        guarantee of success. What if the man doesn't change? Will he have
        gained anything of value?

        People are often surprised to hear that in reparative therapy,
        typically there is very little discussion about sex. In fact, it is
        a mistake for any psychotherapy to focus exclusively on one
        particular symptom. Clients come in with a difficulty that they want
        removed from their life--an eating disorder, gambling obsession, or
        unwanted same-sex attraction-- but good therapy addresses the whole
        person.

        I typically tell my clients in the very first session, "Rule Number
        One is, never accept anything I say unless it resolates as true for
        you." The experience of the client, whatever that may be, must
        always trump any preconceived theory. Reparative theory holds that
        the origin of SSA is in unmet emotional and identification needs
        with the same sex, and the client is free to accept or reject that
        premise. If that doesn't feel true to him, he will usually decide to
        leave therapy after one or two sessions.

        But if he continues, the therapeutic setting will provide a "holding
        environment, " an opportunity in which he can explore, reexperience
        and assimilate past, painful trauma. Here, he begins to liberate
        himself from old patterns of self-sabotage. He grows beyond the
        emotional isolation and chronic loneliness that have so long limited
        him, and develops a renewed emotional investment in authentic
        relatedness.

        Through a relationship with an attuned therapist, the client
        discovers how it feels to emotionally disclose to another man--
        revealing those long-buried, shame-evoking feelings. He experiences
        from him a deep acceptance of wherever he is in his life, at that
        point in time, whether he changes or not. Such an experience is
        always deeply therapeutic.

        Besides an enhanced ability to develop genuine male friendships, the
        client will discover healthier relationships with females-- where he
        learns to prohibit the boundary violations with women that have
        caused him to surrender his separate, masculine selfhood.

        He will also learn how to examine himself with appropriate criticism-
        -no longer "beating himself up" with self-blame-- and in the
        process, he will better distinguish between constructive critiques
        and shame-based distortions. As one client put it,

        "In the past, I made the worst self-appraisals and simply assumed
        the worst about myself. But now, there is a clarity of wants and
        needs--strength in my voice--and a deeper way of communicating. "

        With time, he develops the conviction that he must accept the people
        in his life as they are, without the need to defensively distort
        reality in order to remember them as having been better than they
        were. Further, any hurt and anger at parents and peers turns into a
        certain benevolent acceptance: "They were what they were." "In their
        own way, I know my parents loved me." "Those other guys had their
        own insecurities. " Here, the man comes to understand the attachments
        he has formed with a new attitude of humility and compassion-- even
        toward those who have hurt him.

        One man told me:

        Last night I had a salient conversation with myself about giving to
        others. I can empathize with other people more--because now, I can
        feel my own feelings more.

        I think I've finally quit hiding from myself--and I want my personal
        journey to end with deeper relationships with people.

        Rather than focusing on sexual-orientation change, the primary work
        of therapy is, in fact, to teach the client to relate from a place
        of authenticity, openness and honesty. This way-of-being in the
        world is what we call the Assertive Stance, where the person matches
        up his inner feelings with his outer dealings--to paraphrase Fosha,
        who defines the healthy individual as the person who is
        actively "feeling and dealing." *

        We, too, believe that "feeling and dealing" is the essential
        ingredient to the healing of SSA: teaching the person to live and
        love from his authentic self. When he truly does so, we believe, his
        unwanted SSA will powerfully diminish and ultimately disappear.

        Besides this growth in human connectedness, the client learns to
        reject the Shame Posture that has so long paralyzed him. As one man
        explained:

        "In the center of my chest I feel the heavy truth that I've spent 40
        years of my life not taking action; afraid of men--afraid of women--
        afraid of living. I've let my shame-wound separate me from people."

        The client should conclude therapy with a better understanding of
        why he has those attractions that feel so alien to his ego, and what
        he can do, if he wishes, to continue to diminish them.

        But what about the client who fails to change; will he be left in a
        sort of "intimacy limbo" -- not heterosexual, yet unable to be
        intimate with men? The truth is, our client was never intimate with
        men. That is why he came to therapy. He also came to us because he
        believes that true sexual intimacy with a person of the same gender
        is, in fact, not possible: same-sex eroticism simply fails to match
        his biological and emotional design, and does not reflect who he is
        on the deepest level.

        Some clients, of course, change their worldview over time. "Jason"
        recently left reparative therapy to live in a gay relationship. He
        had come to believe that homosexuality was, contrary to his earlier
        beliefs, truly compatible with his religion. His worldview had
        changed so much that he and I were no longer in fundamental
        agreement about the meaning of homosexuality, and we agreed to end
        our working relationship. He told me, "I didn't change sexual
        orientation, but I can truly say that I've learned to be my own
        person."

        Other men enter reparative therapy as gay-identified from the start.
        With those clients, we agree on a precondition to our working
        together--that is, we will not address the issue of sexual-identity
        change, but we will work on all of their other problems in living.
        And so we work on issues like capacity for intimacy, problems with
        self-esteem, internalized shame, childhood trauma, and the search
        for identity.

        The good therapist always conveys his complete acceptance of the
        client, even if that client eventually decides to gay-identify. Like
        Jason, some of our clients decide to change course and embrace
        homosexuality as "who they are." Some never lose their conviction
        that they were designed to be heterosexual, and they persist toward
        that goal. Others remain ambivalent about change, while going in and
        out of gay life over a period of months. We accept their choices
        even if we don't agree with them, because we accept the person.

        http://www.narth. com/docs/ whatif.html<http://www.narth. com/docs/ whatif.htm
        l>

        <http://www.1stbooks .com/bookview/ 12053> www.1stbooks. com/bookview/ 12053

        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


















        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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