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Re: I'm new here.......long story

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  • chosenbutterfly123
    Eric, I can understand what you are going through as well as what your wife must be going through. Like your wife I go back and forth into the gay lifestyle
    Message 1 of 42 , Dec 1, 2004
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      Eric, I can understand what you are going through as well as what
      your wife must be going through. Like your wife I go back and forth
      into the gay lifestyle and like you my husband has continued to be
      there for me, praying me through never judging me. There has been
      times when I have been so wrapped up in my girlfriend that I my
      husband made me sick and he never did anything but love me. My
      question to you is do you really believe that God ordained this
      marriage? and if so than no matter how bad it gets He will sustain
      you for what ever you have to go through. My husband once told me
      that God told him the reason why God had him marry me was to save me.
      That God put him in my life because the spiritual battles that I was
      fighting against would kill me. My husband has gone through so much
      with me and yet he continues to stand not just because he loves me
      but most importantly because he loves God and he does not want to
      walk outside of the will of God (even if I do) I often listen to
      Joyce Meyer and she speaks how her husband was 'anointed' to be her
      husband because if it would have been anyone else that would not have
      been able to take her. I feel my husband is the same.
      I would party, cheat and often not come home before I got filled with
      the Holy Spirit and I didn't see the damage that I was doing to my
      husband and child. Now I do the blinders were taken off by the Holy
      Spirit and my marriage has not been the same. It is going to take God
      showing your wife what she is doing and He will do it, because He
      loves you that much. Right when my husband could not take me any more
      and was telling God I am leaving I know I am suppose to stay I can't
      take it anymore. The veil was torn off my eyes. I wasn't even asking
      God for that... but my husband was. Since you can't change your wiffe
      you just have to keep her, your children and yourself in prayer.
      Trust that God does not want you to have a miserable life. Take this
      time to get to know yourself, your children and most of all God.
      Continue to seek God for the anwers and to reveal what is happening.
      I have found that the devil fights the great things of God the most.
      He doesn't want your marriage to work because you will be able to
      help heal so many broken marriages so often we see females enduring
      we don't hear so much about men of God that is sticking with their
      wives. The devil doesn't want your wife to be free so she can sing
      under the anointing and be able to heal so many broken abuse woman.
      That voice would make millions. Well I am praying for you and your
      family. AYANNA












      --- In exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com, "mplebanon"



      <mplebanon@y...> wrote:
      >
      > Okay, let me start by saying I'm not gay........but I sympathize
      with
      > those who are struggling with it but want to defeat it.
      >
      > My wife has declared to me she is gay........and I've kind of known
      > for most of our 11 year marriage without her coming "out" so to
      > speak. Our sex life has been terrible, atleast the last 5
      > years......but it wasn't bad early on......she even had
      > orgasms......and they weren't faked because she was a virgin and
      > couldn't have faked it (in my opinion).
      >
      > We are both Christians. She suffered serious sexual abuse at age 10
      > for about a year and half from some neighbor boys. I have serious
      > compassion for what she went through. She grew up in a huge
      Catholic
      > family.....and she is the youngest of 8 spanning 20 years apart.
      Her
      > mother died when she was 4 years old and her father died when she
      was
      > 9. She and 3 other siblings moved in with her second oldest sister
      > Nancy after her father died. Nancy had 6 kids of her own and they
      > were babies and toddlers. Needless to say, if you wanted attention
      > you had to fight for it. The sexual abuse occured a year after
      moving
      > in with her sister. Meanwhile, Nancy (her sister raising her) was
      > having multiple affairs with different men and pressured my wife
      into
      > keeping silent, lying, and acting like nothing was going on. For
      fear
      > of losing her "normal" homelife with two parents or almost step
      > parents.....my wife complied. Eventually Nancy's affairs lead to a
      > divorce and again my wife felt abandoned. She told me when we first
      > married that she felt that everyone she ever loved had abandoned
      her.
      > Well, Nancy was pretty non-emotional and militaristic to the point
      > she joined the Fire Department and became a fireman. She and my
      wife
      > argued and fought often to the point that my wife moved out before
      > she graduated from high school and moved in with another family. My
      > wife topped out at 200 lbs. in high school and in her own words
      said
      > she didn't want to be attractive to men basically because of the
      > sexual abuse she suffered. She got involved in Theatre Arts in
      > college because she said most of the guys were gay and she felt
      safe
      > around them. She never finished college and ended up moving to
      > Cincinnati to live with a girlfriend she met while at college. She
      > told me it was never a sexual relationship, but emotional with
      Barb.
      > She and Barb lived together for 11 years. During that span, my wife
      > got 2 misdemeanors for stealing money while working at a fastfood
      > restaurant.....and also filed bankruptcy because of poor financial
      > management of her own personal stuff. Barb was definitely a
      maternal
      > figure for my wife.......the relationship gave her everything she'd
      > not gotten as a child. Barb was wealthy and bailed my wife out many
      > times from financial irresponsibility. Barb eventually met a guy
      (as
      > both she and my wife dated guys occasionally....Barb more than my
      > wife). After two years of dating, Barb and Joe got engaged. My wife
      > was so distraught that she got nasty with both of them and Barb
      asked
      > her to move out so they could come to grips with not being together
      > anymore. My wife felt abandoned again.
      >
      > Soon after, she met me. Lucky me! We met through a Christian Dating
      > Newspaper. It was a whirlwind romance........I thought she was
      > awesome and asked her to marry me and we got married quickly after
      > nine months of courtship.
      >
      > She told me about her past but said it was behind her. She would
      > write Christian songs and poems that were extraordinary. She also
      > sings like Sandi Patti.....and Sandi Patti was her idol. She had
      made
      > a demo tape and dreamed of being a Christian singer someday.
      >
      > Our marriage got off to a rocky start as I was constantly told in
      so
      > many words that I wasn't good enough......basically conditional
      love.
      > I got to the point I didn't want to come home from work. My wife is
      a
      > control freak, a perfectionist, and lives with a double
      > standard......where basically the rules apply to everyone else but
      > her. She said her sister Nancy's motto was "do as I say, not as I
      > do". Doesn't that basically say, "don't grow up to be like me"???
      >
      > I could do nothing right.....ever. She mentally abused me most of
      the
      > time making me feel like a disappointment......and I did. We would
      > have fun at times and then on a dime she would turn nasty and
      moody.
      > She even physically attacked me one time, hitting and kicking me
      and
      > throwing two picture frames at me......and she sprained her wrist
      > while doing it. I just defended myself but I did not reciprocate
      any
      > punches......I only protected myself.
      >
      > She brought $17,000 worth of debt into our marriage which I had to
      > get a loan from my parents to pay off......it was embarrassing but
      I
      > did it. Her parents weren't alive to pay for a wedding and she
      wanted
      > it all. I second mortgaged my house (which I had built on my own)
      and
      > bought her a 2 carat diamond ring, paid for a very nice wedding and
      > honeymoon and reception.....all on my own because I loved this
      woman.
      >
      > Every income tax return money I got back (because I got to deduct
      the
      > interest on my house) went to pay off more credit card debt. Any
      job
      > bonuses I got went to pay off debt. We never got ahead. She quit
      her
      > job soon after we got married and we really couldn't make it.
      >
      > We had 2 children (now ages 8 and 9). She agreed to watch kids in
      our
      > house for money to help with the bills. She did that for 6 years. I
      > really commend her for her hard work.......but on the other
      > hand.....she spends alot of money.
      >
      > Her credit was shot, so I went out and bought a 3 year old minivan
      on
      > my own credit.
      >
      > But my wife never seemed content. Always seemed mad, angry,
      unhappy,
      > moody......arrogant and very selfish most of the time. It's always
      my
      > fault.......but there always seemed to be "smoke" around her
      (meaning
      > their was fire......meaning it was her fault).
      >
      > In 1996, feeling like I wasn't there for her......she ended up
      > meeting a married woman with 3 kids from church that started out as
      a
      > strong emotional friendship and ended up in the bedroom having a
      > physical as well as emotional affair. My wife came to me and
      > confessed apologetically. I accepted and told her we'd move on. She
      > said that she and this woman wanted to be right in God's eyes and
      > that they could maintain a "normal" friendship. I am a very
      trusting
      > person and wanted to believe her and give her that chance. It never
      > worked. They relapsed over and over and over........and this person
      > was extremely obsessed with my wife. This person's husband had no
      > clue. He thought my wife was his friend, too. Our families were
      > intertwined and I was miserable knowing I was party to all of this
      > and could not stop it. I lived in fear of the idea of divorcing
      > because I cared about her so much and my parents had been married
      48
      > years and I always thought I'd be married forever. I also worried
      > about my kids becoming victims of divorce. Finally, I challenged
      her
      > friend that it was easy for her because it was a secret from her
      > husband.....and that me and my wife had to endure alot of paing
      > because I knew, unlike her husband. So her friend confessed to her
      > husband and that ended the relationship. She was not willing to
      give
      > up her family. Sure, they hung on for a short while....with
      > occasional secret phone calls, but it wasn't the same. That went on
      > for like 3 or 4 years. I endured it.
      >
      > Meanwhile, I got a nice bonus from work and bought a lot out in the
      > country. We sold our house (getting next to nothing out of it
      because
      > I continually paid off her debt). We built a very nice house......a
      > dreamhouse of sorts.......and in the end, I think I was trying to
      > earn my wife's respect and possibly buy her love.......and it
      didn't
      > work. I gave her the moon and it didn't matter. We ended up selling
      > the house because she didn't want to work anymore and the mortgage
      > was hefty.
      >
      > We moved again. My wife then went on an Emmaus Walk and after going
      > she stood up on the podium and confessed to the world while crying
      > that she had been an awful wife and basically mentally and
      > emotionally abused me for our entire marriage and said she was
      sorry.
      > That I had endured so much for her. I was amazed. I thought things
      > had changed at that point. Things actually got better. She tried
      > harder to be a better wife.
      >
      > We had our kids in a private Christian School. Everytime I turned
      > around my wife seemed to be embroiled in some kind of turmoil or
      > scandal over at school....atleast in the midst of it. Many
      > relationships went bad......but no homosexuality was involved. She
      > made many normal friendships and I thought we'd turned a corner.
      >
      > She was a stay at home mom and little did I know, she was
      mishandling
      > our bills and running up credit cards to the tune of $56,000.
      Unreal.
      > I again went to my family and got a loan which we are 2 years into
      > paying off. My wife got jobs cleaning houses at $100 a pop. We were
      > making ends meet. But one of her clients was a married female
      friend
      > who's husband was a corporate lawyer....they had serious bucks. One
      > day my wife went over to clean their house with our 6 year old and
      > her husband was home but she was gone. My wife is very affectionate
      > with all of our friends, male and female. She greets everyone with
      a
      > hug and a kiss. When she went to kiss Joe (the corporate lawyer)
      her
      > wouldn't let her go and he tried to stick his tongue in her mouth
      > with a long deep kiss. She fought him off by diggin her fingernails
      > into his arms and he left the house embarrassed but didn't tell
      > anyone. My wife told her female friend what her husband
      did......and
      > her female friend basically blamed my wife WRONGFULLY. That ended
      up
      > badly.
      >
      > About a month after, my wife had befriended a married woman at the
      > YMCA who's daughter was in the same gymnastics class as my
      youngest.
      > They became friends but had a normal relationship throughout the
      > Summer. My wife confided in her that she'd had gay relationships in
      > the past and soon Melanie (her friend from the Y) dumped her and
      > disappeared from my wife's life, to her chagrin.
      >
      > The new school year started and my wife started another normal
      > friendship with a good married christian woman of 4 kids named
      > Christie. Their relationship was very healthy all school year.
      Barely
      > calling eachother and hooking up every once in awhile.
      >
      > Well, Summer came again and Melanie called and wanted back in my
      > wife's life. This made Christie jealous and she started to get very
      > affectionate with my wife. By mid-Summer.......(both Melanie and
      > Christie drive blue minivans) I had a blue minivan in my driveway
      > every day I came home from work. These women were FIGHTING FOR TIME
      > with my wife! Ridiculous. And my wife was letting it happen and I'm
      > sure enjoying the attention. And I would see Christie sitting close
      > to my wife or putting her hand on my wife's leg......stuff that
      > really bothered me. But nobody seemed to care about me. I had a
      > really bad feeling about all of it.......and amazingly, my wife
      would
      > tell me everything that was going on.......like I was her brother
      > listening to her about her girlfriends......it made me sick. Well,
      in
      > the end.....I finally blew up and confronted her saying I felt like
      I
      > was married to a gay woman.......to which she got upset and
      > said, "yeah, you're right. I am .......and I'm going to quit
      denying
      > myself of who I really am.....and start making myself happy."
      >
      > Ugh.
      >
      > At the time it happened, I really regretted it. Over the next
      several
      > days, I went up and down in my emotions......one minute angry and
      > chastising her.....to the next pouring my heart out to her telling
      > her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. But she didn't care.
      > She told me she'd never feel for me what she felt for Melanie.
      > (Melanie won out over Christie....Christie got the boot). Total
      > rejection for me. She said she loved me but she wasn't "in love"
      with
      > me. Ouch. After all I'd sacrificed for this woman.......keeping her
      > affairs secret from our families and enduring in private all the
      pain
      > she caused me.......and now to deal with this? I told her I'd go to
      > the end of the Earth to save our marriage if I could.....but I
      needed
      > ot know she was committed to making our marriage better. She wasn't
      > interested.
      >
      > Her entire life revolves around Melanie. She plans her entire day
      > around what Melanie is doing. Melanie is getting everything a
      person
      > would ever want.....as my wife is a serious giver that gives
      > everything to the person she is involved with.......and Melanie
      gives
      > very little back.....it's really weird. I don't understand it. My
      > wife hates soccer.......and she attends every freaking soccer match
      > that Melanie's daughter has......to the point that she's afraid to
      > miss one. My wife goes out every night (almost) to Melanie's house.
      > Melanie's husband must be an idiot because he has no clue. This has
      > been going on since August......it's now late November.
      >
      > Then my wife has the gall to ask me for a separation......asking ME
      > TO MOVE OUT. HUH? She said, why don't you move out, but continue to
      > help support us so that all our bills get paid because we don't
      want
      > our credit to get ruined........and besides, I really want Melanie
      to
      > be able to come over at night and watch movies with me when the
      kids
      > go to bed. HUH??????? Is she freaking serious?????
      >
      > I thought about it for all of 1 second and then thought, why in the
      > heck should I be inconvenienced??? I have been totally faithful,
      > loyal, loving, caring, supportive, forgiving for our entire
      marriage.
      > I'm not perfect but I've done nothing wrong but try and make this
      > work. I told her no.
      >
      > She got mad and said, "fine, I'll take the kids, move into an
      > apartment, pay my car payment and that's all I'm paying.....you can
      > pay the rest of our bills!"
      >
      > Selfish, selfish, selfish.
      >
      > I have gone since August without telling a soul except calling my
      > minister. He told me his brother is an ex-gay.....and he knew all
      > about it. He told me to call Exodus International for
      > support.....which I did. It's called Prodigal Ministries in
      > Cincinnati. I called and the most supportive person called me back
      > and took my side of the whole thing. I have gone to two counseling
      > sessions and they have done a world of good for my self esteem and
      > strength. This guy is an ex-gay who is now married with a
      > daughter........and he is on my side big time.
      >
      > My wife knows nothing of my counseling.
      >
      > We just got together with my family, who has done nothing but love
      my
      > wife the last 11 years.......and she was very cold to
      > everyone.....even going out to her car to call Melanie 3 times
      while
      > we were there......can you believe it?
      >
      > Thanksgiving Night.....we came home and me and my girls watched the
      > Country Music Association Awards on CMT. My wife wanted to have
      > nothing to do with us......and left to go be with Melanie. She left
      > again Friday night. My wife sings on Sunday mornings at Church. But
      > still she went over to Melanie's on Saturday night (again) until 4
      am
      > in the morning.
      >
      > We don't sleep together because I snore.....atleast that was her
      > manipulative way of getting me out of the bedroom....so I think. So
      I
      > sleep on a pullout sofa. At 4 am......my 8 year old comes down and
      > climbs into bed with me on my tiny bed. I nearly whack her with my
      > elbow when I turn. I asked her why she didn't get into the Kingsize
      > bed with mommy and she said, "mommy's bed is still made, she's not
      in
      > it". I was alarmed. My wife got no sleep on Friday night and was
      > very, very tired on Saturday night, even admitting she had no
      > business going over to Melanies'.......so I was scared maybe she
      had
      > fallen asleep driving. I called her cell phone twice asking her to
      > call me and tell me she was alright but she didn't call me back. So
      I
      > called Melanie's and Melanie answered. I was short and to the point
      > asking if my wife was there, and Melanie said she'd left 10 minutes
      > ago. I hung up on her. She got home at 4:30 am. She didn't go to
      > bed.....she showered and went to church to sing. Now, you have to
      > realize that my wife's most valued gift to herself is
      > singing......she absolutely loves to sing in front of people
      > (attention maybe?) and expects alot of herself. But amazingly,
      > getting enough sleep to sing has lost it's importance......go
      figure.
      >
      > We had a fight today. As she was on the phone again with Melanie
      most
      > of the day while she ignored the kids. Things are getting very
      > tense......and my oldest feels it.
      >
      > My family has been calling me worried. I can't keep it a secret
      much
      > longer. I had to leave to pick up some things for work tomorrow and
      I
      > called my sister-in-law back and she was crying wanting to know
      what
      > was wrong with our marriage.....and I finally told her my wife
      > struggled with being gay. She was shocked. I was relieved. The
      first
      > family member I had told in 11 years of marriage. I had held it in
      > that long. Whew. But she was very supportive. I cried. I told her
      not
      > to tell my parents and she said she wouldn't.......but I told her
      it
      > was alright to tell my older brother (her husband).
      >
      > Things are bad here.
      >
      > After my wife and I had an argument in front of my oldest earlier
      > today, my wife left and went out to her car in the garage to call
      > Melanie on her cell phone.
      >
      > I went to comfort my 9 year old. I told her I was sick of mommy
      never
      > being home, always either with Melanie or on the phone with
      > Melanie......and surprisingly, my 9 year old was sick of it too. In
      > her own words she said this, "I'm afraid to tell mommy this, but
      most
      > of the time, mommy's kind of selfish."
      >
      > WOW. IN HER OWN DAUGHTER'S WORDS. I think it hit the nail on the
      > head.
      >
      > I love my wife but I hate what she is doing. She looks at our
      > marriage as something she tried and failed at. I don't look at it
      > that way......she never committed to the marriage...........she
      > controlled everything to her advantage.......total manipulation.
      >
      > I hate to sound so negative........but I am a firm believer that
      God
      > can change anyone........but she doesn't have the desire to be
      > changed.
      >
      > My counselor from Prodigal Ministries tells me that I will have to
      > endure alot and should be prepared for the worst. He said that
      > homosexuals will ride the fence as long as they can........and that
      > she will have to hit rockbottom before she realizes what she's
      lost.
      >
      > I hope not.
      >
      > Can anyone give me any hope? Can gay people change?
      >
      > I am not stupid enough to think that the temptation just goes away
      > easily. I know they will struggle with this for awhile if not all
      > their life. But can it be overcome? That is my question.
      >
      > Thanks for enduring this story. I left alot out.
      >
      > Eric
    • saltnlight@netryders.com
      Pastor Bob is so full of denial over what he said in this letter below that I was not going to approve his post but then decided I would so you could
      Message 42 of 42 , Dec 2, 2004
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        Pastor Bob is so full of denial over what he said in this letter below
        that I was not going to approve his post but then decided I would so you
        could see....For example:
        Bob:
        This is what you said in your post to Eric:
        “You do not hold her accountable for her actions.”
        “It is easier for you to let her get away with her behavior with no
        accountability”.

        Yet you deny having said this.

        You yell at me with this:
        “HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I SAID THAT ERIC SHOULD GET A DIVORCE!! NO
        WHERE IN ANY MESSAGE I HAVE POSTED HAVE I EVER SAID THAT!!”
        Just what are you saying here in the post?????
        “This is harsh to say but if you really love her you will let her go into
        God's hands and stop permitting her to act this way toward you and your
        children. What you are doing is **keeping her around** so that you can
        avoid any conflict with her when **letting her go** would be much more
        difficult and cause you to lose this "hope".

        If this is not insinuating Eric leave her or let her leave him what is it??

        The first statement may have been different but in the second sentence you
        seals it, rather than keep her around he suggests Eric let her go
        literally.

        Bob you may have attempted to cover your tracks but you failed miserably.

        Another thing, Eric was not thinking only of himself when he spoke of the
        income. They have children and they would suffer and may be placed in
        foster homes if Eric sent his wife away or he left etc. You are the one
        who has selfish motives behind what you say to Eric. Why you aren't even
        thinking as Christ would over the situation. I did not nor did I have to
        twist what you said, you said it and that is fact, you were not as slick
        as you thought yourself to be. I do not feel that you had a right to say
        all that you did and that is my opinion.

        Bob, you seem to advocate for the wife in this matter more than try to
        help a man who is struggling with his love for a wayward wife. Reading
        into Eric’s post so easily and not giving him the benefit of encouragement
        for holding onto the mother of his kids. What you wrote not knowing Eric
        any more than from what he wrote in the post says to me that you would
        rather see the adulterous perverse relationship ensue than for his wife to
        come to her senses and be the wife she was supposed to be to Eric.

        You may not want to do a thesis but you need to return to studies for you
        do not have a mind that thinks of what this will one day mean to those
        children. Your entire thought is on today and satisfaction of the flesh.

        This woman married Eric, why? Because she loved him once. Who can say but
        what she will want out of this thing she has entered into and need Eric. I
        give him credit for having stuck in there this long.



        Janet





        > Janet:
        >
        > I really wonder why you have to twist and change what I have said:
        >
        > I said:
        >
        > "You do not hold her accountable for her actions."
        >
        > You say I said:
        >
        >
        > Now please tell me where I said that she had "no accountability?" I
        > said that Eric is not holding her accountable!** See above.

        "You judge my life from a few notes I have posted?" **Bob you judged Eric
        by the few he posted, look at your comments on his being an enabler etc.


        (and how can you say that I say God is dead
        just because I made a mistake and said "Christ had with the Church"?)
        **I never said that Bob had called God dead.
        > HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I SAID THAT ERIC SHOULD GET A DIVORCE!! NO
        > WHERE IN ANY MESSAGE I HAVE POSTED HAVE I EVER SAID THAT!!

        Well, I don't know how you will take any of this but if this is any
        example then I guess you will not take it as it is meant. Bob you have
        forgiven me for what you percieve of me doing and that's alright but not
        necessary. Because you think I have done something to you that warrants
        forgiveness I accept and we will have to agree to disagree.

        Janet
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