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5410Re: [ExGDBd] Pedophilia and some other questions

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  • Inge Anderson
    Oct 1, 2003
      Dear friend,

      I wish you had given a name by which to address you ....

      At 03:39 AM 10/1/2003 +0000, theslink@... wrote:

      >I have a very serious problem. While I am a sex addict and have had
      >homosexual encounters with men I am really attracted to teen age boys.
      >While I have never offended with under age kids

      Praise God that He has kept you from that!

      >I have had problems with child pornography in the past. Thankfully the
      >Lord has kept me from all forms of pornography for about a year. This is a
      >big turn around since I used to spend hours every day looking at porn. I
      >feel so alone because all of the books I have found about recovering for
      >homosexuality deal strictly with adult attractions and none of the members
      >of my group are pedophiles. Can anyone recommend a title about pedophilia?

      Unfortunately that subject is still largely "taboo" while homosexuality is
      now very much a subject on everyone's tongue -- whether positive or
      negative. So the books I've read in which pedophilia is addressed are from
      the viewpoint of keeping children safe from predators, etc.

      You are NOT a predator.

      There's something in sexual attraction that attracts us to people who have
      something we lack. That clearly works in heterosexual attraction. But even
      in homosexual attraction, individuals are usually attracted to their
      "opposites" -- unless it's a sexual addiction that's indiscriminate &
      engaged in for the physical drug effect (which deadens pain, by the way).

      First of all, I must say that I am not a professional counselor. But I do
      have a fair bit of experience in life ... And, although the "inner child"
      idea has been misused in psychology, there is some truth to it. We all
      carry our childhood with us in some manner. Sometimes we react to
      situations more like the child we used to be than the mature adults that we
      are supposed to be. For such purposes it's useful to think of our "inner
      child" which reacts to stimuli around us and sometimes overcomes our
      "adult" reactions.

      Just this last weekend I attended a women's retreat in which the key
      speaker was a very successful professional woman -- one who had partied
      with the high and the mighty, wheeled and dealed in millions, etc. She's a
      brilliant woman who was neglected and abused as a child. She had locked up
      so much of her childhood in her memory that she could remember nothing
      until after years of counseling. She's very aware of her past now, and when
      she catches herself reacting emotionally as a child (e.g. in fear,
      self-hatred, etc.), she will mentally put her arms around that "inner
      child" and tell her, "It's okay. You don't need to be afraid. Jesus loves
      you" ... that sort of thing. Gradually she has learned to integrate her
      professional, confident self with her personal fearful self... But she
      still has a ways to go, since she confessed that she has no trouble
      speaking in front of thousands but still finds one-to-one relationships
      intimidating, thinking things such as, She probably wonders why I wore
      these clothes, etc. .... In other words, she's self-conscious & feels she
      isn't likely to be accepted as a person. And she is still a successful
      business owner, a world traveler, always dressed in stylish, expensive
      clothes ...

      There's more, but I just wanted to give you a little idea ...

      In your case you do remember some of the abuse you went through. (There may
      be more that you don't remember.) That child you once were never received
      the nurturing and love he deserved. And that child is still part of you,
      affecting the way you see the world. In your case, the need for nurturing
      and love has morphed into sexual attraction. And you unconsciously seek
      your "opposite." In the way you tell it, that includes children ....

      I suspect that the road to recovery may be shortened for you if you get
      some help dealing with childhood issues. If you'll email me directly at
      <inge@...> and tell me approximately where you live, I may be able to
      find some lay Christians trained in a ministry that specializes in such
      help. If you are reading this on the web and my email address is
      incomplete, go to http://www.glow.cc and click on "Inge's Inklings." That
      will take you to a section with my articles, and my email address will be
      clear.

      There are some things you can do yourself, and the key is to ask *Jesus* to
      show you the truth about yourself -- that you are *loved,* that He died
      for you and that He would have died for *just* you. The problem is that
      you probably know that intellectually, but your inner child does not know
      that *emotionally.* And it's in helping your emotions to "know" the truth
      that you can get some help.

      >Also I have read one book about homosexual recovery. It said that the key
      >to recovery was to build relationships. Is recovery really as easy as
      >making friends? There has to be something more to this.

      You are quite right. However, the reason that same-gender relationships are
      so helpful in recovery from sexual attraction to your own gender is that
      they are affirming and a way of experiencing genuine affection and love --
      something for which sex is only a poor substitute. When that deep need for
      affirmation and love starts being met, the desire for false intimacy lessens.

      >I was seriously abused as a child physically and emotionally (but not
      >sexually) by my father and grandmother. While I have forgiven them I still
      >think my problems are rooted in my childhood and my rejection by my peers.

      As you may sense from what I've written above, I agree with you.

      >I am in secular therapy but they seem to focus more on changing my
      >behavior than addressing underlying emotional problems.

      That's a good start. After all, it's the sexual *behavior* that is sinful.
      However, God desires to meet that emotional need within you as well. If you
      will use your imagination (the same one you've used for sexual fantasies)
      and imagine yourself as the child you once were, being held on Jesus' lap
      and cradled in His arms, you may find that helpful. After all He *does*
      love you and

      >Thats not to say I haven't made good progress. My sex drive is more under
      >control and I haven't had any same sex contact in a year and I have gotten
      >out of porn. But I am still hurting, lonely, and have problems with lust
      >and masturbation anywhere from once to twice a week to once every two
      >weeks. I really want to heal and be normal. Can anybody offer any words of
      >advice??

      Actually, you are already quite "normal." Heterosexual men deal with the
      same problems you do. They just look different. Whether lust is towards
      other men or other women, it's still outside God's design for sex.

      I praise God for the progress you have made. Now immerse yourself in the
      love of God. Read and re-read the gospels. Use your imagination to place
      yourself in the presence of God. (You're always in His presence, but don't
      "know it" emotionally. That's where imagination helps. And that's the
      purpose for which He gave us the gift of imagination. Don't shut it down,
      but use it for the purpose He intended.) Read the Psalms. And always pray
      for the Holy Spirit's guidance before you open your Bible.

      Every morning, begin your day by reminding yourself that Jesus loves you.
      Then lay all your plans for that day at His feet to be given up or carried
      out as His providence shall indicate. Spend time talking to Him and
      *listening* to Him For that, you'll need to spend some time in Bible
      reading -- not a hurried reading of long passages, but just enough to reach
      a passage that is meaningful to you. Then meditate on that passage and keep
      it in your mind for the day. And you can keep in touch with Jesus
      throughout the day by lifting your heart to Him in prayer. (By the way,
      prayer is talking to God as to a friend.)

      May the Lord bless you and keep you and enfold you in His arms of love.

      In His love,
      Inge Anderson



      Inge Anderson <inge@...>
      *********************************************************
      Sponsor of <http://www.glow.cc> an internet site for
      Christians with same-gender attractions and their friends.
      *********************************************************
      A bruised reed shall he not break....
      Isaiah 42:3
      *********************************************************
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