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23568Re: Another Serious Blow

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  • aformer54
    Mar 2, 2009
      Wow. Talk about ripping your heart out and handing it to you. We are
      bleeding with you, brother. So very sorry to hear this has happened. I
      hope many here will commit to pray for you, even those who are merely
      "looky-loos" (yes, that's the vast majority of people who are members).

      As regards Christians "shooting" their wounded -- it's too true for
      comfort, I'm afraid. Others are just too squeamish to deal with gay
      issues and those who are struggling.

      Yesterday in my Sunday school class at church, I gave a heartfelt
      appeal for prayer for an ex-gay woman (fellow church member whose case
      is high profile) who is a dear friend and is going through hell on
      earth over a years-long custody/visitation battle with a former
      same-sex partner. She continues to be "thrown under the bus" -- I'll
      throw in another metaphor that applies -- and misunderstood by those
      in our church who should know better.

      You should have seen folks squirming in their seats after my little
      speech. Most are just learning that I am also a "former. I've decided
      I am going to force them to deal with it because I have no shame or
      guilt anymore. The church NEEDS to get its act together. I speak out
      about this kind of thing every chance I get.

      I don't know where you go from here, Troy, but there are churches out
      there that do a decent job of ministering to the hurts of their own. I
      pray you find one.

      --- In exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com, "bondtk" <bondtk@...> wrote:
      > I was talking with my children Friday evening on the phone. The last
      > couple times my oldest (girl, 11) has been argumentative about "what
      > I need to do to fix things" which I found very odd. I try to nicely
      > tell her that she doesn't need to worry about all of that, and that
      > mommy and daddy need to work on things together. I know it's
      > debateable but I've told all three of them before that mommy just
      > needs to come home (remember she left with the kids and all of our
      > household possessions 2 years ago after I told her) so we can really
      > work seriously on repairing what has been broken. But my 11-year-old
      > daughter now has been saying things like, "If you really loved
      > us . . . . " and "You need to go before Pastor C.'s church and ask
      > forgiveness . . . . ." which is just a repeat of what mother has been
      > saying. Well, I got a bonus at work before Christmas and I had told
      > the kids that if I happened across some money I would see about
      > taking them on a family trip to Disney in 2009. I could use that
      > money in many other places due to all my lawyer bills but my chilren
      > have never been on a real vacation and with all that is going on in
      > their little lives, thought it might bring them some joy. So every
      > time I talk to them I ask them, "Are you getting excited about our
      > trip?" My oldest daughter said Friday night, "Uhhhh, not really." I
      > was stunned. In the past they always responded excitedly. I
      > said, "Why not?" She said something to the effect of, "I'm not sure
      > if I want to go with a sinner." Again, I was stunned and
      > said, "We're all sinners, honey. Mommy is a sinner too and you are
      > with her most of the time." (maybe should have picked another
      > example, I know what you're thinking) "But daddy, what you did was
      > PERVERTED sin." Again, I was dumbfounded wondering how she knew to
      > even say something like this. She once again began arguing about
      > what I needed to do to fix the marriage with my wife's false ideas of
      > how things should be done in her own mind as opposed to Biblical
      > reconciliation. But then she said, "Daddy, I know what you did." I
      > was in stunned silence. I said, "What do you know?" She said, "You
      > are gay." My heart sank and seemed to freeze. I was in stunned
      > silence again. I was boiling inside instantly while remaining very
      > calm with her. I said, "Honey, do you even know what that means?"
      > She said, "Yes, daddy, it means you like guys." Again, to hear this
      > out of my 11-year-old's mouth was mind numbing. I had no prepared
      > statement or speech. My mind was racing. I didn't know what to say.
      > I tried to tell her that daddy has had this issue since he was 7
      > years old but she wasn't "buying" it nor could she understand that.
      > How could I make an 11-year old naive, Christian school/homeschooled
      > girl understand the complexities of SSA? It wasn't going to happen.
      > I mean, my goodness, look how her mother reacted and continues to to
      > this day because of her lack of knowledge and understanding. She was
      > obviously upset and told me that mommy had told her 3 weeks ago. I
      > said, "Let me talk to your mother." She got on the phone and almost
      > in tears I said, "How COULD you? Why didn't you tell me you told
      > her." She coldly said, "I don't have to tell you everything I do."
      > Now I know you all don't know me from adam, but I'm calm mostly quiet
      > and non-confrontational. I screamed into the phone, "You are the
      > most dispicable person I have EVER met!!! How could you tell our 11-
      > year-old daughter! My counselor told us last year the children
      > should NEVER know!!!" (who my wife thinks wasn't a good person
      > because he had been involved in a church split earlier than we ever
      > knew him). Again I screamed in tears, "How COULD you? You are a
      > HORRIBLE human being to tell her!" She said, "It's not YOUR decision
      > to tell her or not to tell her." I said, "If there EVER was a chance
      > of us reconciling our marriage, it's over now. I have begged you
      > over and over NOT to spread this around to people (which she has) and
      > NOW TO OUR OWN YOUNG DAUGHTER!?!? I don't want anything to do with
      > you EVER!" Obviously, my emotions came raging out. I had been delt
      > almost the most serious blow of this entire 2 1/2 year nightmare. My
      > own children seem almost scared to be around me by what she said
      > about our upcoming trip. And what really makes me upset is the fact
      > that my wife is so blind to now having a child carry this type of
      > burden about her father. Not only is our family split from Indiana
      > to Wisconsin and they have to try to cope with that, now she has to
      > try to internalize something she can't understand at her age and cope
      > with it. I am dumb founded! She's thrown our daughter into the mix
      > of an adult situation that's she not ready to do. Oh i know, many
      > people might say, "Well, kids these days are more accepting of
      > the 'gay thing' because they hear it at school or on TV." Well, my
      > children do not watch much TV nor do they hear about it in school.
      > Extremely sheltered. I finally told my wife I had to hang up. I had
      > guests coming soon after these conversations and tried desperately to
      > put on a happy face all weekend, but today at work in a meeting with
      > my boss, my eyes filled with huge tears as I fought back just
      > sobbing. He said nothing but I'm sure could see something was up in
      > my eyes. My co-worker was like, "What's up? I can tell something's
      > wrong." So back at my cube, I told her what happend and just broke
      > down. She tried to console me and told me I shouldn't have come to
      > work today. So I stayed until noon and came home and slept until now.
      > I'm devestated--kicked while down. Not only have my kids been
      > physically ripped from me, now she's working to emotionally rip them
      > from me and I'm having a hard time understanding and coping with that
      > fact. What is wrong with Christians? Those with whom I labored with
      > for years side-by-side in the ministry. I called my younger brother
      > yesterday to tell him what happened. He said, "You know, Pastor D.
      > (our former youth pastor of many years ago) recently said, 'You know
      > what we do with these people [referring to those struggling or
      > involved with SSA]? We SHOOT them.'" I said, "What is that supposed
      > to mean?" My brother said, "Well, Troy, not really SHOOT them with a
      > gun. What he means is our churches 'shoot' them and leave them
      > for 'dead' because they don't know what else to do with/for them."
      > And you know, he is exactly right. I feel like I've been 'shot' and
      > left for dead over and over again. Each time it hurts and I can't
      > Yes, I'm angry and hurt. I've put my best foot forward all by myself
      > and it was spit upon. I look around at other married guy friends who
      > either went through a divorce becase of this or are currently and
      > although it is still hard for them, come nowhere close to all the
      > things my wife is doing to hurdle darts at me. My mind cannot
      > understand those who purposely try to inflict pain/hurt on others.
      > I'm overly sensitive yet don't go around crying all the time either
      > (lest you picture that). I walk, talk, and act like a man yet looked
      > at with disgust by those who might walk by and "know" about me (at
      > least my paranoia tells me so-remember "Prayers for Bobby?!")
      > Anyway, I know my posts are usually filled with anguish and hurt and
      > I'm sorry for that. It helps to verbalize things sometimes and this
      > is one place I feel I can do that. This forum has over 800 members
      > and I only see posts from like 5 people. Do I have a setting wrong or
      > maybe the other 790 people are like me in a way wanting deliverance,
      > yet sit in silence and can't seem to obtain it and have essentially
      > thrown in the towel but want to hang on in some way by reading other
      > people's stories.
      > Thanks for reading my rather long posts and those like Bridget and
      > others who I KNOW understands the hurt and heartache of those who
      > hate themselves but can't seem to "quench" the thirst for emotional
      > male bonding in their lives. May God bless those who look at us
      > through glasses of Biblical love and compassion looking to pull us in
      > rather than push us out.
      > Troy B.
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