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23567Re: [ExGDBd] Another Serious Blow

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  • BridgetNight123@hotmail.com
    Mar 2, 2009
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      Dear Troy, my heart goes out to you so much right now. Are you a member of the men's group called http://www.peoplecanchange.com/

      I have been told this a great group for men to get support. I have a wonderful friend who is a gay man going through a divorce right now and experiencing similar things. He has 3 young kids and his wife has a personalithy disorder and is now accusing him of sexually abusing their 5 year old daughter. I know this man and his life and he would never do anything like this but his wife is so angry since he told her of his struggle with SSA that she has become vindictive. I would be glad to connect you with this guy if you want and if you do not mind me sending him your post. I will be praying for you. Bridget


      ----- Original Message -----
      From: bondtk
      To: exgaydiscussionboard@yahoogroups.com
      Sent: Monday, March 02, 2009 4:17 PM
      Subject: [ExGDBd] Another Serious Blow

      I was talking with my children Friday evening on the phone. The last
      couple times my oldest (girl, 11) has been argumentative about "what
      I need to do to fix things" which I found very odd. I try to nicely
      tell her that she doesn't need to worry about all of that, and that
      mommy and daddy need to work on things together. I know it's
      debateable but I've told all three of them before that mommy just
      needs to come home (remember she left with the kids and all of our
      household possessions 2 years ago after I told her) so we can really
      work seriously on repairing what has been broken. But my 11-year-old
      daughter now has been saying things like, "If you really loved
      us . . . . " and "You need to go before Pastor C.'s church and ask
      forgiveness . . . . ." which is just a repeat of what mother has been
      saying. Well, I got a bonus at work before Christmas and I had told
      the kids that if I happened across some money I would see about
      taking them on a family trip to Disney in 2009. I could use that
      money in many other places due to all my lawyer bills but my chilren
      have never been on a real vacation and with all that is going on in
      their little lives, thought it might bring them some joy. So every
      time I talk to them I ask them, "Are you getting excited about our
      trip?" My oldest daughter said Friday night, "Uhhhh, not really." I
      was stunned. In the past they always responded excitedly. I
      said, "Why not?" She said something to the effect of, "I'm not sure
      if I want to go with a sinner." Again, I was stunned and
      said, "We're all sinners, honey. Mommy is a sinner too and you are
      with her most of the time." (maybe should have picked another
      example, I know what you're thinking) "But daddy, what you did was
      PERVERTED sin." Again, I was dumbfounded wondering how she knew to
      even say something like this. She once again began arguing about
      what I needed to do to fix the marriage with my wife's false ideas of
      how things should be done in her own mind as opposed to Biblical
      reconciliation. But then she said, "Daddy, I know what you did." I
      was in stunned silence. I said, "What do you know?" She said, "You
      are gay." My heart sank and seemed to freeze. I was in stunned
      silence again. I was boiling inside instantly while remaining very
      calm with her. I said, "Honey, do you even know what that means?"
      She said, "Yes, daddy, it means you like guys." Again, to hear this
      out of my 11-year-old's mouth was mind numbing. I had no prepared
      statement or speech. My mind was racing. I didn't know what to say.
      I tried to tell her that daddy has had this issue since he was 7
      years old but she wasn't "buying" it nor could she understand that.
      How could I make an 11-year old naive, Christian school/homeschooled
      girl understand the complexities of SSA? It wasn't going to happen.
      I mean, my goodness, look how her mother reacted and continues to to
      this day because of her lack of knowledge and understanding. She was
      obviously upset and told me that mommy had told her 3 weeks ago. I
      said, "Let me talk to your mother." She got on the phone and almost
      in tears I said, "How COULD you? Why didn't you tell me you told
      her." She coldly said, "I don't have to tell you everything I do."
      Now I know you all don't know me from adam, but I'm calm mostly quiet
      and non-confrontational. I screamed into the phone, "You are the
      most dispicable person I have EVER met!!! How could you tell our 11-
      year-old daughter! My counselor told us last year the children
      should NEVER know!!!" (who my wife thinks wasn't a good person
      because he had been involved in a church split earlier than we ever
      knew him). Again I screamed in tears, "How COULD you? You are a
      HORRIBLE human being to tell her!" She said, "It's not YOUR decision
      to tell her or not to tell her." I said, "If there EVER was a chance
      of us reconciling our marriage, it's over now. I have begged you
      over and over NOT to spread this around to people (which she has) and
      NOW TO OUR OWN YOUNG DAUGHTER!?!? I don't want anything to do with
      you EVER!" Obviously, my emotions came raging out. I had been delt
      almost the most serious blow of this entire 2 1/2 year nightmare. My
      own children seem almost scared to be around me by what she said
      about our upcoming trip. And what really makes me upset is the fact
      that my wife is so blind to now having a child carry this type of
      burden about her father. Not only is our family split from Indiana
      to Wisconsin and they have to try to cope with that, now she has to
      try to internalize something she can't understand at her age and cope
      with it. I am dumb founded! She's thrown our daughter into the mix
      of an adult situation that's she not ready to do. Oh i know, many
      people might say, "Well, kids these days are more accepting of
      the 'gay thing' because they hear it at school or on TV." Well, my
      children do not watch much TV nor do they hear about it in school.
      Extremely sheltered. I finally told my wife I had to hang up. I had
      guests coming soon after these conversations and tried desperately to
      put on a happy face all weekend, but today at work in a meeting with
      my boss, my eyes filled with huge tears as I fought back just
      sobbing. He said nothing but I'm sure could see something was up in
      my eyes. My co-worker was like, "What's up? I can tell something's
      wrong." So back at my cube, I told her what happend and just broke
      down. She tried to console me and told me I shouldn't have come to
      work today. So I stayed until noon and came home and slept until now.

      I'm devestated--kicked while down. Not only have my kids been
      physically ripped from me, now she's working to emotionally rip them
      from me and I'm having a hard time understanding and coping with that
      fact. What is wrong with Christians? Those with whom I labored with
      for years side-by-side in the ministry. I called my younger brother
      yesterday to tell him what happened. He said, "You know, Pastor D.
      (our former youth pastor of many years ago) recently said, 'You know
      what we do with these people [referring to those struggling or
      involved with SSA]? We SHOOT them.'" I said, "What is that supposed
      to mean?" My brother said, "Well, Troy, not really SHOOT them with a
      gun. What he means is our churches 'shoot' them and leave them
      for 'dead' because they don't know what else to do with/for them."
      And you know, he is exactly right. I feel like I've been 'shot' and
      left for dead over and over again. Each time it hurts and I can't
      Yes, I'm angry and hurt. I've put my best foot forward all by myself
      and it was spit upon. I look around at other married guy friends who
      either went through a divorce becase of this or are currently and
      although it is still hard for them, come nowhere close to all the
      things my wife is doing to hurdle darts at me. My mind cannot
      understand those who purposely try to inflict pain/hurt on others.
      I'm overly sensitive yet don't go around crying all the time either
      (lest you picture that). I walk, talk, and act like a man yet looked
      at with disgust by those who might walk by and "know" about me (at
      least my paranoia tells me so-remember "Prayers for Bobby?!")

      Anyway, I know my posts are usually filled with anguish and hurt and
      I'm sorry for that. It helps to verbalize things sometimes and this
      is one place I feel I can do that. This forum has over 800 members
      and I only see posts from like 5 people. Do I have a setting wrong or
      maybe the other 790 people are like me in a way wanting deliverance,
      yet sit in silence and can't seem to obtain it and have essentially
      thrown in the towel but want to hang on in some way by reading other
      people's stories.

      Thanks for reading my rather long posts and those like Bridget and
      others who I KNOW understands the hurt and heartache of those who
      hate themselves but can't seem to "quench" the thirst for emotional
      male bonding in their lives. May God bless those who look at us
      through glasses of Biblical love and compassion looking to pull us in
      rather than push us out.

      Troy B.

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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